LD Chapter 6

Perhaps because I looked so pathetic, wandering around like a ghost, the juniors from my classes started talking to me, and we became quite close over the past week. So, I didn’t refuse their invitation when they suggested going for a beer. If I went home, I would just probably end up solving math problems, doing Sudoku puzzles, or, well, masturbating while thinking about Ha Jungyoon.

…Am I going to become a masturbation addict?

I had never heard of such an addiction, but there were all sorts of addictions in the world, so it didn’t seem entirely impossible. Anyway, it was better to hang out with people than to be holed up alone at home, obsessing over unsolvable problems and playing with myself.

Still, I had learned my lesson, so I planned on taking it easy on the alcohol tonight.

Just one beer, that’s it. 

I let out a long sigh as I stood in front of the building the juniors had brought me to.

“Is this the only bar around here?”

“You know that they have the best free snacks here, hyung! Let’s go in!”

I stood there with a disgruntled look on my face, then let myself be dragged inside by the juniors.

“Ha, I envy you, hyung. You’ve already finished your military service.”

“…Are you Choi Taeyoung? Why do you keep talking about the military? You know the other guys really hate that.”

“He’s enlisting in the fall.”

“Ah, really? Good luck. It’s just… another place where people live, you know.”

“This is the composure of a veteran. Have a drink, hyungnim.”

I declined the soju offered by the junior and took a sip of beer. The ice-cold beer felt refreshing as it went down my throat.

“Phew.”

“But hyung, why don’t you hang out with Jungyoon hyung anymore?”

“What, do people of the same age have to hang out together?”

My tone became a little sharp, stung by the sudden mention of his name. I felt my face flush with embarrassment.

Act your age, Hyunsoo.

“That’s true. But you two seemed close when we were all drinking together last time.”

That was then, and this is now. Ha, this is now…

Back then, my favorability towards Ha Jungyoon was rising. He was a decent guy, enough to make me ashamed of my own preconceived notions. And, to be fair, he still was a decent guy. The problem was that I couldn’t treat him the same way as I did back then.

I had thought about Ha Jungyoon again before falling asleep last night. Of course, it wasn’t just thinking. I was bewildered by the fact that I was getting hard thinking about Ha Jungyoon, yet I couldn’t help but indulge in the newfound pleasure. Even I thought I was going crazy these days. Crazy with lust and pleasure.

“Oh? There’s Jungyoon hyung!”

As I was wallowing in self-loathing and guilt, I heard the name that occupied my every thought and jumped in surprise. I reflexively turned my head in the direction the junior was waving.

“Ah.”

Ha Jungyoon was entering the bar with another group of juniors.

Seriously, do students from our school only drink here?

I came out here to drink so I wouldn’t have to masturbate to thoughts of Ha Jungyoon at home, and now I’ve run into him.

What was wrong with me these days? 

The repercussions of that first misstep were greater than I’d thought. 

My eyes met Ha Jungyoon’s as he turned to look at us when his name was called. And I, very obviously, quickly averted my gaze.

“Hey, you guys are here too?”

The juniors who came in with Ha Jungyoon approached our table with smiles. My lips were dry, and I reached for a glass of water instead of the beer.

No alcohol.

“Oh? Hyunsoo hyung is here too?”

“Yeah, hi.”

I mumbled a half-hearted greeting, crunching on the ice to try and compose myself.

“Woo Hyunsoo, hi.”

Then Ha Jungyoon greeted me from among the juniors, smiling.

“Hey, Ha Jungyoon. Hi.”

We exchanged greetings that were as mechanical and impersonal as an AI. I avoided Ha Jungyoon’s gaze, fiddling with the cold glass of water. A junior standing next to Ha Jungyoon looked around, pushed his friend out of a seat, and sat down.

“Ah, let’s just drink together!”

Ah. I held the glass of water to my lips, trying to suppress a groan, and glanced up at Ha Jungyoon.

…What’s with that expression?

Ha Jungyoon was rubbing his eyebrow with his index finger, a look of displeasure on his face.

“Are you going to sit down?”

Did he have to look so uncomfortable? We were both in the same awkward situation, but seeing Ha Jungyoon making it so obvious, made me feel defiant. What happened that night was mutual. It definitely wasn’t one-sided. I forced a smile, my lips numb from the cold water.

“Sit down, Ha Jungyoon.”

I spoke to him as if to challenge him and Ha Jungyoon, who had been quietly staring at me, let out a soft sigh.

Does he really hate me that much? 

Does he even hate talking to me? 

Does he not even want to see my face?

My pride was hurt by the realization that I had been constantly indulging in… self-pleasure, day and night, to thoughts of someone who disliked me. Feeling a bit dejected, I was about to rinse the bitter taste in my mouth with beer when…

“Move over.”

Ha Jungyoon nudged the junior sitting next to him with his chin. The juniors shuffled over to make space. Ha Jungyoon, now sitting across from me, smiled.

“Let’s not drink too much tonight.”

Since I was trying to stick to my one-beer rule, I finished my drink quickly. I wasn’t very hungry, so I rested my chin on my hand, munching on the puffed rice snacks¹, and listened to the conversations around the table.

Assignments, group projects, a girl they saw from a liberal arts class who was totally their type, a veteran’s fervent wish for reunification, a nightmare customer they encountered at their weekend part-time job, the best way to find tutoring gigs was through apartment complex bulletin boards, no, you idiot, the best way to find them is through your mom’s connections.

“Should I order you a cider?”

As I was watching the juniors, who were seamlessly chatting non-stop about various topics, I turned my head at the sound of a voice. Seeing the clear, handsome face that came into view, a sigh escaped my lips before I could stop it.

“Haah…”

“…Are you seriously sighing right in front of my face?”

His expression was much more relaxed than before. Seeing it made me even more uncomfortable.

“I’m just going to step outside for a bit.”

I forced a smile at Ha Jungyoon, got up, and went outside, rubbing the back of my heated neck.

The cold night air, which had been biting just two weeks ago, had softened considerably. The days were starting to feel like spring. The weather was getting warmer, but my heart felt like a tangled mess of dry branches.

I had never imagined my first semester back would turn out like this.

I sighed habitually and tapped my foot on the ground.

I need to get my act together and stop making Ha Jungyoon uncomfortable. 

The juniors were all there; I needed to read the room.

I leaned against the wall, looking up at the hazy, dark sky that mirrored my feelings and tried to calm my racing thoughts. Just then, I heard the voice of the person who had been on my mind constantly, right next to me.

“Are you filming a movie by yourself?”

I pushed myself off the wall and leaned against it sideways, looking at Ha Jungyoon. Come to think of it, it was the same that night. Ha Jungyoon had followed me outside when I left the pub during our drinks.

“What?”

I replied indifferently, forgetting my earlier resolve as the events that followed automatically came to mind.

“I’m scared. I think you’re going to rob me.”

Ha Jungyoon feigned fear, hunching his shoulders and I just stared at him silently.

“Hyung, I don’t have any cash on me right now.”

He had ignored me so thoroughly for weeks, and earlier, he had made it so clear how uncomfortable he was around me. But now, he was talking and joking casually with me. 

What was he playing at?

“Ha Jungyoon.”

When I stared at him and called his name, Ha Jungyoon came closer and leaned against the wall next to me.

“What.”

“You…”

I felt a sudden surge of resentment, frustration, and sadness at the realization that I was the only one still agonizing over that night, a night he had long since erased from his memory. For the past few weeks, my mind had been completely consumed by thoughts of Ha Jungyoon. It would have been fine if it was just my thoughts, but even my long-standing trauma and complex had undergone a massive upheaval.

I was pretending to be fine, but I was confused and troubled. I was being swept along without even fully understanding what was happening.

I wanted to say something, anything, but a jumble of pathetic words tangled in my mouth.

“So… you’re… not bothered at all?”

That was all I could manage to say. Pathetic.

“I mean, that…”

I wanted to explain myself, but I still couldn’t find the right words.

“You…”

Ha Jungyoon flicked my upper lip, which was puffed up because I was biting it. My cheeks flushed at the sudden contact, but I didn’t have the presence of mind to react.

“What am I supposed to do when you’re being so awkward and uncomfortable?”

So, he was saying he had been deliberately ignoring me all this time out of consideration for me?

“When did I ever act awkward and uncomfortable?”

“Want me to show you?”

The image of myself desperately trying to avoid and ignore Ha Jungyoon over the past few days flashed through my mind.

“…That’s not important.”

“Then what is important?”

“I… I mean… I, how did I… no, how did we…”

Disorganized words tumbled out of my mouth.

“You… you said you’ve never even dated a woman, you…”

“You’re asking if I was a virgin?” 

I was momentarily speechless at his bluntness. As I stared at him with my mouth closed, Ha Jungyoon took a step closer.

“You said you wanted to try.”

His low whisper made my eyelids flutter.

“Who? Me?”

No way. How much did I blabber?

“Yeah.”

“…What?”

Did I really spill everything? 

I tried to hide my anxiety and focused on Ha Jungyoon.

“Whether it worked or not.”

“…….”

“Whether I could…”

Ha Jungyoon leaned down and looked into my eyes.

“…make you hard.”

“…….”

“You said let’s try.”

Frozen as if I had forgotten how to breathe, I finally inhaled.

“I… I said that?”

“You did. You even told me about your ex-girlfriend in high school dumping you because of your erectile dysfunction.”

I hurriedly covered his red lips with my hand. My gaze wandered aimlessly.

“Dammit….”

I had considered the possibility. I had guessed that maybe we had talked about something like that, and the atmosphere had turned… suggestive.

But there was a world of difference between speculation and facing the truth.

Woo Hyunsoo, you crazy bastard. 

Even if you were drunk, how could you blabber such things? 

Am I really insane?

After cursing myself with every insult I could think of, I very slowly, cautiously, moved my anxious eyes to look at Ha Jungyoon. He alone held the answer to the question that had been tormenting me. Now that things had come to this, I had to ask and confirm.

“So… that is, I just want to be sure, okay?”

“You got hard.”

Ha Jungyoon removed my hand from his mouth and answered, cutting me off as if there was no need to hear the rest of my question.

“You got hard. That night. That’s what you’re curious about, right?”

“…….”

“You were fucking really hard.”

A choked breath escaped my lips. Unlike me, who was internally freaking out, Ha Jungyoon was completely calm and composed.

“R-Really?”

“Yeah.”

“I got hard?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s crazy. Seriously.”

The images that flashed through my mind whenever I got hard weren’t fantasies or delusions, but they were fragments of that night’s memories. I roughly wiped my face with my cold hands and looked directly at Ha Jungyoon.

There was another question that had been bothering me, one I couldn’t find an answer to no matter how much I thought about it.

“Why?”

“What?”

“Why… why did you do it?”

If a drunk classmate made such an absurd suggestion, I would have just kicked him away, gone home, and slept it off. It wouldn’t even be worth considering. So why did Ha Jungyoon go along with this crazy idea? Because he was drunk? No, Ha Jungyoon wasn’t that drunk that night.

“I…”

“…….”

“…was curious too, I guess.”

“…….”

“Whether I could make you hard or not.”

Was it some kind of challenge? Or did his competitive spirit kick in?

“I… ha, I can’t believe it. I just…”

Ha Jungyoon’s eyes turned cold, perhaps because he found that I seemed cowardly for still trying to deny what happened that night.

“It’s true. That night, you really slept with me. You even got hard.”

His flat, matter-of-fact tone made my face burn. I knew. Ha Jungyoon had confirmed it himself, and I had been masturbating for two weeks, relying on the fragmented memories of that night. My body clearly remembered what happened. Even so, I still couldn’t believe it.

So, I said something crazy.

“Let’s do it again.”

“…What?”

“…….”

“What did you just say?”

“I said let’s do it again, since I can’t believe it.”

At my impulsive words, Ha Jungyoon slowly straightened up, his body no longer leaning toward me.

“…If you’re okay with it…”

My voice trailed off as Ha Jungyoon just stared at me, expressionless.

“Ha, sorry. Forget I said anything.”

I ruffled my hair roughly and reached out to pat Ha Jungyoon’s shoulder, then stopped myself. I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable with unnecessary physical contact.

Why did I keep doing things impulsively and then regretting them?

The continued lack of reaction from Ha Jungyoon made my chest tighten. Now, in Ha Jungyoon’s eyes, I was the classmate with erectile dysfunction who was also obsessed with sex. I thought I had hit rock bottom, but I was digging myself even deeper.

“Wait for me. I’ll go upstairs and get my clothes and bag.”

His voice was urgent. When I looked up, Ha Jungyoon placed his phone in my hand.

“Don’t even think about running away.”

“W-What are you talking about?”

There was no trace of laughter or playfulness in his eyes as he looked at me. His eyes were filled with impatience that made me stammer as I spoke. Ha Jungyoon sighed softly at my reaction and then went back inside the building, turning around several times to check on me.

“…Why is he acting like that? Does he really… want to do it again?”

I narrowed my eyes, staring at the stairs where Ha Jungyoon had disappeared.

“Don’t tell me… was I that amazing that night?”

Then, clutching my head, I screamed.

“Ah, what am I doing! Seriously!”

What was even crazier was that I didn’t want to take back my offer.

* * *

It wasn’t just simple curiosity. It was about confronting the trauma and complex that had plagued me for years and confirming the nature of this incomprehensible lust I had been experiencing for weeks.

Still…

“Isn’t a hotel a bit much?”

“I hate motels.”

“You say that like you’ve been to a lot of them.”

“Do you want to shower first?”

Ha Jungyoon took off his watch and placed it on the side table. Come to think of it, it was a hotel last time too. I had thought he was easygoing, but apparently, he was picky about where he slept. Of course, I hadn’t come here to have a good night’s sleep next to Ha Jungyoon.

“Um, Ha Jungyoon.”

I hesitated as I called his name, and H Jungyoon’s expression hardened.

“What.”

“…….”

“Are… you sure you’re okay with this?”

“…Ha.”

Ha Jungyoon let out an exasperated breath, as if he found it ridiculous that I was asking this now.

“…No, I mean… you know. For me, well… I’m doing this because… I have something to confirm… but what do you get out of doing this again with me? If you’re uncomfortable, even now…”

“I haven’t been able to sleep for two weeks thinking about you. That’s why I ignored you and pretended nothing happened. I kept thinking about sleeping with you that night. Whether my eyes were open or closed, even in my dreams, all I could see was your naked body writhing beneath me, moaning. Just like you’re curious about whether you got hard that night, I’m curious too. Whether you really got hard in my hand while looking at me, whether you really came because you liked it so much, whether it was a dream or reality. I want to know, I also want to confirm it.”

“…….”

“Is that a sufficient explanation?”

As I stared blankly at Ha Jungyoon, who had just unleashed a torrent of shocking words without hesitation, a cool finger touched my ear. I realized then that my ears were burning. Ha Jungyoon rubbed my hot skin with his thumb and index finger and said curtly,

“So go shower quickly and come out.”