LD Chapter 5

“Do you know how much I hate Choi Taeyoung?”

“I know.”

“Do you know how much I loathe Choi Taeyoung?”

“I know.”

“Do you know how much I detest Choi Taeyoung?”

“…I know.”

“Then why are you hanging out with Choi Taeyoung?”

“…I’m not hanging out with him…”

I mumbled, avoiding Kim Jooyeon’s glare as she crossed her arms. I wasn’t hanging out with him. It was just that Choi Taeyoung kept sitting next to me when I was sitting alone, and he kept following me when I went to get coffee.

“And why are you ignoring Ha Jungyoon?”

“…….”

“You two seemed to have gotten closer when you came to the bar together last time. Didn’t you two go off for another drink afterwards? Did you fight or something?”

Was there really such a thing as a woman’s intuition? Her sharp guess was so accurate that I couldn’t refute it. I closed my mouth, trying to calm my surprise.

I hadn’t fought with Ha Jungyoon, but… well, something did happen.

It had been a week since I avoided making eye contact with Ha Jungyoon. Ha Jungyoon might not know, but I couldn’t face him casually.

At first, I desperately avoided him. But since we had so many classes together, it wasn’t a very effective strategy. It was like those kindergarten kids who think they’re invisible to others if they just cover their eyes. That level of childishness.

Then, I gradually realized there was no need for it. Ha Jungyoon seemed completely uninterested in me. He acted as if nothing had ever happened. In the classroom, he sat with the juniors, chatting and joking around. When the lecture started, he focused intently, and when it was over, he left the lecture hall with the juniors. His gaze never once lingered on me.

“We weren’t that close with Ha Jungyoon to begin with…”

So, it was just me, being overly conscious and awkward.

“Ah, whatever. Then get close to him from now on.”

Kim Jooyeon shook her head, looking at me as I mumbled, then waved her hand behind me.

“Ha Jungyoon, over here.”

“What?”

I reflexively turned around, saw Ha Jungyoon approaching, and quickly turned back.

“Ah, Kim Jooyeon.”

“I absolutely can’t stand seeing you hanging around with Choi Taeyoung. I’m worried you’ll get caught up in bad rumors.”

Her narrowed eyes were filled with concern. Well… there was nothing good about being associated with Choi Taeyoung. But still…

“Kim Jooyeon.”

“Oh, there you are! You two enjoy your meal. Chanyoung is waiting for me, so I’ll get going. See ya.”

Looking at me, Kim Jooyeon added, “Call me later,” and turned away. I stood there helplessly, watching her retreating figure. 

Only when she disappeared completely from my sight did I finally muster the courage, though tinged with a sense of resignation—and perhaps even a hint of relief—to turn around and face Ha Jungyoon. It wasn’t something I could keep dragging on forever. Now, as a rational adult, it was time to tackle things head-on, logically and maturely.

“Um, Ha Jungyoon.”

“Sorry, but…”

Ha Jungyoon averted his gaze and scratched his eyebrow with his index finger, looking troubled.

“Huh?”

“I…I’m having lunch with some of the guys.”

“Ah… oh, really?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay… I see. Go ahead.”

“Yeah, I’ll get going. Enjoy your meal.”

At my dismissal, Ha Jungyoon smiled casually and turned away without a second glance. My jaw dropped as I watched him go, and my expression slowly crumpled.

“What… is this?”

…What was going on?

As I watched his light receding footsteps, a surge of anger suddenly washed over me.

* * *

I returned home, didn’t even bother changing my clothes, and sat at my desk, pulling out a math workbook. I often encountered situations in life with no clear answers, and in those moments, solving problems with definite solutions was the best way to cope.

But even after solving almost ten pages, Ha Jungyoon’s smiling face wouldn’t leave my mind.

I jumped up from my seat and ran to the convenience store. I stuffed my refrigerator with the bags of beer I bought and went straight to the bathroom. I took a shower in freezing cold water that made me shiver and, with a towel wrapped around my head, grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and plopped down in front of my bed.

Tsss.

The sound of the carbonation escaping as I opened the can rang cheerfully. Just before the beer overflowed, I brought the can to my lips and gulped it down. After emptying half the can, the tightness in my chest seemed to ease a bit.

“Phew….”

Ha Jungyoon, whom I saw today, seemed to have no intention of talking about what happened that night. He had seemed that way for the past week, but it was as if he had completely erased the entire incident from his memory. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand how he felt. Ha Jungyoon must have been just as flustered as I was, and it was probably uncomfortable for him to even think about that night.

In a way, it might be better to just let things be. To let time naturally resolve the situation.

Even though I knew in my mind that it was the right thing to do, somewhere in my heart, I still felt uneasy. It bothered me that he remembered something I didn’t. But I couldn’t very well grab him and demand to know what happened, especially since he seemed to want to avoid the topic.

Why did I even drink so much? 

I chugged down the rest of the beer, filled with regret, a regret I’d already felt countless times, a regret that came too late. The only consolation was the certainty that whatever happened that night, it was consensual. Strangely, I didn’t have any doubts about this part.

“Ha…”

A sigh escaped me out of habit.

“So, Ha Jungyoon and I… really did it?”

It must have been his first time, and mine too, but I had no idea how we, two inexperienced guys, could have… done anything.

“That night, did I…”

I tilted my head back and stared blankly at the ceiling.

“…get hard?”

The answer to that desolate question was buried along with the hazy memories of that night.

* * *

Perhaps because I drank on an empty stomach, or perhaps because my mind and body were exhausted from days of tension, four cans of beer were enough to get me drunk. Still, the remaining shreds of my rationality told me to stop drinking, so I fumbled to pick up the empty beer cans scattered on the floor and then collapsed onto my bed. The blurry ceiling spun.

“Fuuuu.”

My lips trembled as I exhaled forcefully, making a loud noise.

“Well, whatever. If that’s how he wants to play it, fine. No, it’s for the best. That night never happened. Ha Jungyoon… would naturally want to forget it too.”

Then, it was right for me to forget it as well. It was a simple matter, now that I thought about it. It was a simple calculation that didn’t require any complicated formulas. I just had to erase that one-night transgression and, as I’d planned when I first returned to school, live a smooth and uneventful semester and graduate without any problems.

See? Totally simple. Okay, problem solved.

Just as I finally felt at peace and drifted off to sleep…

‘Haaa…’

‘Does it feel good?’

‘I… I don’t… I don’t know… Ah!’

‘Why don’t you know? You’re cumming all over the place right now.’

‘Ahh…’

‘Look, here… yours.’

‘No…’

‘What do you mean no? Ha… try to relax, Hyunsoo.’

“AHHHH!”

I jolted awake, gasping for air like someone pulled out of icy water and thrown onto the ground. In the dizzying images flashing before my eyes, two naked men were entangled. The sounds of wet flesh slapping together still seemed to echo in my ears.

Something felt strange and unfamiliar, and my gaze slowly drifted downwards. I hesitated, then pulled back the blanket, and my mouth fell open.

“Ah…”

I didn’t need a mirror to know what state I was in. My eyes, my neck, even my fingertips and toes were burning.

The person clinging, clutching, yearning for a kiss, wrapping his legs around the other, desperate not to let go, was me.

“W-what… what the hell is this…”

I stared blankly at my erect penis.

* * *

I had solved the problem and arrived at an answer before falling asleep drunk last night. It wasn’t a satisfying solution, but I had reached a conclusion and thought it was finally over.

But… this wasn’t what I had in mind….

I purposely entered the lecture hall right before the class started and sat in the very back. Today, I didn’t want to sit with anyone, not even Choi Taeyoung. I didn’t have the mental capacity for it; my mind was too chaotic.

I sighed softly, glancing at Ha Jungyoon’s back. He was sitting in the same row, far away from Choi Taeyoung, chatting cheerfully with the juniors. The sight of his peaceful demeanor left a bitter taste in my mouth.

The chaotic events of dawn, replaying itself over and over, turned my mind into a battlefield.

I got an erection. A full-blown, rock-hard erection. It happened ridiculously easily. Even in my confused state, I was relieved and happy to know that there was nothing physically or functionally wrong with me. But that joy was short-lived. It was because the person I thought of while getting hard was none other than Ha Jungyoon.

Whether it was a simple dream or a fragment of that night’s suptressed memories, my erect penis showed no signs of subsiding. Not knowing what to do, I stared at my tenting crotch, sweating profusely, and slowly pulled down my pants and underwear. My penis sprang free with a thump.

I could get hard like this, and yet…

I felt both proud and resentful of my stiff, erect penis. 

You bad boy.

I worried it might go soft as soon as I touched it, but thankfully, as I carefully grasped it, it throbbed in my hand, proving it was alive. Even just gently holding it made my back tremble. As I stroked it up and down, a moan escaped my lips. My toes curled, and my breath hitched.

So, this was what it felt like. 

My eyelids twitched behind closed eyes. It was incomparable to my first wet dream, which I could barely remember. Even though I came pathetically quickly after just a few strokes, I felt a wave of pleasure intense enough to make my whole body tingle.

My torso heaved as I looked at the whitish semen spilled on my hand. I then stared at my now flaccid penis, then tried to rouse it again, experimenting with different touches. But as if that previous ejaculation had been a lie, my penis fell back into a deep sleep and showed no sign of waking up.

I rubbed my tired face, made rough from lack of sleep, with my cold hands. My gaze, beyond my control, kept drifting towards the handsome face that was focused on the professor’s lecture.

The starting point of all these problems.

My head throbbed at this hopeless situation.

* * *

Perhaps the beginning was always the hardest. The repressed memories, in no particular order, started popping up at random times. And whenever they did, my penis would react faithfully, as if it had never given me any trouble before.

At first, I was excited, thinking I had finally overcome this persistent trauma, but it was a futile hope. After showering thoroughly, I purposefully tried to masturbate, but my dejected penis showed no reaction. Even when I racked my brain and conjured up all sorts of stimulating fantasies, it remained unresponsive. The only time it reacted was when…

“Haah!”

The blanket crumpled in my clenched fist. As the scene replayed in my mind by itself, my hand reached into my pants and frantically stroked my penis. My legs, restricted by my pants and underwear bunched around my thighs, thrashed against the sheets.

‘Here… ha… how does this feel?’

‘G-Good… good… uh!’

Ha Jungyoon, holding me from behind as I lay on my side, moved his hand from my stomach up to my chest, cupping it. My hardened nipples were crushed beneath his hot palm.

My writhing back pressed against the sheets. The hand that was gripping the blanket moved up to my chest. 

Here, was it here? 

Instead of the fiery palm from my memory, my own trembling hand rested on my chest. My heels pushed against the bed. I clumsily rubbed my nipples and frantically stroked my penis. My lower abdomen tightened, and my back arched. I hurriedly cupped my hand over the tip of my penis, and semen spurted into my palm.

“Haa, haa… haa…”

My ragged breaths echoed in the quiet room. I blinked blankly and raised my hand. I blinked stupidly, then raised my hand. The semen, coating my palm, dripped down.

“What am I doing?”

It was hard to decide which to address first: the mess on my hand from ejaculating while reliving that night’s memory, or the hand still resting on my chest.

* * *

Now I was avoiding Ha Jungyoon for a different reason. Guilt. 

Guilt over jacking off to thoughts of him almost every day. I didn’t know I was so susceptible to pleasure. I never knew this world existed. I knew it was intense, but this was really… truly intense.

One week avoiding Ha Jungyoon, and another week masturbating to thoughts of him. It had already been two weeks since I started spending all my time thinking about Ha Jungyoon. 

What the hell was I even doing? 

My hopeful new semester was tainted by Ha Jungyoon. Stickily and messily tainted.

I even thought that I was better off when I was worried about my erectile dysfunction. If I couldn’t get it up, I could have gone to the hospital for counseling or medication. But I had no idea how to deal with this current situation.

Getting hard wasn’t the problem. The problem was who made me hard.

…Could it be that… I like men?

I bit the end of my mechanical pencil and looked around the noisy lecture hall during a short break.

Absolutely not.

This was the only question I could answer with certainty in this confusing situation. I didn’t even need to consider whether I could kiss a man. Even holding a man’s hand was impossible.

Then why did I come to thoughts of Ha Jungyoon? 

There was only one plausible hypothesis.

Because it was my first time. Because so far, my only experience of such intense sexual stimulation and pleasure was with Ha Jungyoon. Of course, I still wasn’t sure if I had actually come that night, but judging from the current circumstances, it was highly likely. I was making such a mess all by myself, after all.

“Ugh, I don’t know.”

“Hyung, here you go.”

“Ah! You scared me!”

I jumped as I heard a voice beside me, just as I was about to slump onto my desk in despair.

“Ack!”

The junior, who was trying to offer me a can of coffee, also yelped. Clutching our chests, we stared at each other in silence, mouths agape. Then, we both took deep breaths, holding each other’s shoulders.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, hyung, are you okay?”

After calming down from our shared moment of panic, I took the can of coffee from the junior and sat down.

“Phew.”

I exhaled slowly, confirming that my heart was back in its place, and tried to steady my breathing. Just then, Choi Taeyoung, who was sitting far away in the front, turned around, scowled, and made an unnecessary comment.

“That bastard is embarrassing all the veterans. With his weak nerves, how did he even manage night watch duty?”

That damn military again. It was because of bastards like him that veterans got a bad name. 

I didn’t want to respond, so I pretended not to hear and sipped my coffee. Then, I overheard a conversation between two neatly dressed female students sitting in front of me.

“Fucking asshole. His face is the one that’s an embarrassment to the nation.”

“Ugly, with a grating voice, that son of a bitch.”

I looked at the frustrated juniors sympathetically. Then, I turned my head absently and froze. Ha Jungyoon, who had been looking at me, smiled when our eyes met.

…What are you smiling about?

It annoyed me that he was acting so nonchalant, smiling as if nothing had happened after ignoring me for weeks. Of course, he quickly looked away. Just then, a flash of memory popped into my head.

‘Ha Jungyoon, earlier, haah, there, more, more…!’

‘Ha, Woo Hyunsoo.’

His amused face.

No.

I quickly turned my head. But I couldn’t hide the flush spreading across my ears and neck.

This is driving me crazy. 

Now even just his smile was making me hard.