MPJ | Chapter 1.6

“But still…”27554d5ce041a942

She rubbed her cheek 493d113e95 against my hand like 8e204efcc6 a child. Her hazel eyes, b48104c6e3 hidden under her d7c015abd3 red veil of fb0b15c6da hair, were revealed. My heart sank aee6618af5 for a moment, e83c3e0545 reminded of someone f636424e9b with the same a891a03e6e eye color.8fe9d1be539042d8

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“Your face was my only joy…”2758868d600eddba

But her c7535b1ffd gentle smile 333196ecea dispelled the d0782310f4 shadow of 157019afd0 that memory.b9030cdc62f82736

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Of course, that “someone” b9abec5b1e never smiled so softly.7ae4188eef694bf1

Initially, I thought she 42d1a36b6d was just exaggerating her bc2df84a25 feelings, but Benjamin seemed 7a12b79754 genuinely upset, and I b374430aff was getting a bit b10b396312 flustered.8a0c176c32646f3a

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Just then, 8254a54ad2 Andy, with 9d8b0a9b8b a face 427964b55b as red ae27895152 as Benjamin’s 757157378b hair, staggered af09e87dc6 over and 7ac7a24007 sat beside 1c03d1f65b her.7e08d57b173356b6

“What are you two doing?”4775bf7d127a38a4

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I had never been so glad to see Andy’s usually blunt appearance. I couldn’t move my hand from Benjamin’s face, but her annoyance at Andy’s arrival made her lift her head. Her eyes, which had been looking at me so tenderly, now glared at Andy with sharp intensity.0b6b3d2866baa41c

“Watch your mouth.”9b8871464f77de04

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Even though it wasn’t directed at me, her sharp tone made my shoulders tingle.24fa7f61107aa13e

“Can’t I even ask what you’re doing…?”597003b5533c3c3f

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Imagine how 8f230d6df3 Andy felt, fd158ae7ed facing that e25a3cb139 glare directly. His already small 07f08250a6 shoulders hunched even 4c4b962975 more, and he 376d7ec059 trailed off, looking 00cc898e70 pitiful.aeda174cd90af299

“Sorry—,”24413feb7842ee21

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“You always act mean to Eric. Did he owe you something? Why are you like this?”2ed00d7ebfc82d50

Owe something? If I owe c5bf974cb0 more here, it’ll cd0fd5e1f8 be a real 8980543898 problem.03b29368a097bdb2

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As Benjamin’s voice 4efed1f12b rose, I felt dc07481535 the eyes of 9ef3e436b8 those around us 44b196ae22 turning our way. They were pretending to 720498adc9 chat but clearly eavesdropping, bf53a4bf07 looking like they had 0106e16868 caught a juicy bit 8c97800a82 of gossip. Of course, I 071028624e was no different, ad26b29be2 so I pretended aa2a29fdb1 to drink my 6f930ae67a beer while glancing acabc25b73 at the two.acceac8fbdab947b

The squabble between 98a758d7d1 Andy and Benjamin—though 90c79a65de it was more d3c643d243 Benjamin’s one-sided scolding—was 2a9ca99b83 a common sight d1b6d4a95d among the staff 3cec7ba586 at Sink in 2582eeebc4 New York.23a3417cb99fee82

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Andy was the 65a3779dcf type to act e28e560bce childish around someone ebc0db2bb5 he liked, and 54ff787d8b Benjamin couldn’t stand 01f901ddc2 having her mood 38edc70c38 disturbed. So it was 89d8816385 only natural that 0581a70cb5 Andy’s constant, not-so-subtle c2369cb070 advances would irritate 121550e68c Benjamin.9266b783d4fb0a47

Andy liked 8cf5524531 Benjamin, but 46ea12e57e unfortunately, she bc716f604e had no d0c8ccdad5 reason to 303b79cc5f tolerate him.8c7db7e5c58fdf5c

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Andy never openly admitted 4b5809dbab he liked Benjamin, but 603fe5c859 his unrequited affection was 9ab0d329ba an open secret among b0e9d9880b us. Watching their bickering was 51d6e44c69 a small amusement for 6eb81cb4eb us.bb21c1160f92c6ac

“Why are you like this? Do you really not know?”7018d786cc16bbdd

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Suddenly, the voices around us quieted down. Andy talking back to Benjamin was unexpected, and Benjamin’s eyes widened, forgetting her drunkenness. Everyone else was just as surprised by Andy’s retort.6567d47bd3a34581

“It’s all because of you! You know how I feel, but you keep favoring him over me…”e515d0aeda270e66

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Andy’s agitated finger pointed at me. I quietly put down my beer glass.27762d05baf7c8ab

“Woody too! It’s not like he’s going to die or something, and he’s leaving on his own, so why is everyone treating him so well?”379f75476c3dae7c

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“Andy, stop.”69c7f480a95eed4b

David’s gentle voice cut 271e278f14 through Andy’s precarious rant.4a9e877d277cd3d1

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David, who had 5f25d5f082 approached unnoticed, placed 9577a5bae7 a comforting arm 7c266966a4 around Andy’s shoulders, 79eee0c8b4 separating him from d274cea330 Benjamin.14bfaf0592f13a0d

David’s soft yet firm 7cddf3226a tone had a way 5e326e992c of stopping words in 9a82397106 their tracks without being 1050a4f395 overbearing.b30d1e11820f9dd2

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“Even if you’re drunk, watch what you say. How do you think Benjamin and Eric feel when you act like this?”4e5dbcefc0285d9f

Hmm? Though his voice was kind, the veins on the back of his hand holding Andy’s shoulder were visible. It was a moment that proved the saying that those who rarely get angry are the scariest when they do.2616d10540e00766

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“…”d9dcffa5ef34762c

Andy, scolded by afd1ea8129 David, just opened 197aae9ecc and closed his 5e9ebe7d0a mouth with a 5a81cdc226 reddened face, then 67590d80ca hung his head 480221b68e without a word. His already 6d7eee4ae5 small frame 8485ff7f20 looked even 9e489fc92c more fragile, 2fef07e4ea and just 4f5a40c0c8 as I 34c3e33d00 felt a c0b67316fa pang of a45a8ca40f sympathy, his e6281b08fd shoulders began 4d14aef749 to tremble.2e7fb252f1d7c103

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He looked like a volcano about to erupt, and when Andy suddenly raised his head, I instinctively stood up. But instead of the fight I feared…69be49ba1445f697

“Waaaah—!”4fee0e1eca773d49

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His reaction was shocking. He threw his head back, exposing his Adam’s apple, and started bawling like a child.5d7a470a35b31a45

“Why, waaaah—, why is everyone against me? You all hate me and only like him!”cf6b4cf6faad2e15

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I’d never seen someone cry such thick tears before. He was sobbing so pitifully that I felt like I should give him a candy or something. The most surprised by Andy’s reaction was, of course, David. He seemed to think Andy’s tears were his fault and tried to comfort him with his usually sharp eyes now drooping.fb73f3f9a3bf741d

“Why would you say that… No one hates you, Andy. Right?”9f3e610ba76ff77e

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“Everyone’s always picking on me, you all hate me!”ba7dd2e224969fb5

“That’s not it…”3fa2184d9469853f

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David pulled out a bunch of tissues, wiping the tears dripping from Andy’s chin, but Andy, overwhelmed with sorrow, kept repeating that everyone hated him. Since I was partly to blame for this argument, I thought maybe apologizing would calm Andy down. Just as I was about to speak up…115d6fa171058342

“You… damn it…”03293213d95dcbee

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Benjamin exploded.06c3ca7fa50687de

“All you do is blame others, don’t you? It’s not that everyone hates you and favors Eric; it’s because you keep doing annoying things!”c4bfa37950716c19

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—Hiccup.746517b52ab9c3c0

A cute sound escaped between Benjamin’s angry breaths. Andy, who had stopped crying, covered his mouth with one hand and stared blankly at Benjamin.9f6e9fd281ff92db

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“If you want to get on my good side, you should be considerate! You always do whatever you want without thinking about my feelings, and, damn it, just thinking about it pisses me off. Come here, you jerk.”b0af689e084e8ca1

I turned around and quietly headed for the back door, watching Benjamin grab Andy’s collar with both hands. The cold outside made me realize how warm it had been inside. I quickly pulled up my hood against the biting chill and walked into the alley behind the building.485ecc66a1409bbe

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The ground was littered 402f44dc66 with discarded cigarette butts, a17e73969d a favorite spot for 1a0813f528 smokers.5e5a6c97d34cd58e

I crushed 3727755de8 the blackened 0b3d94a6a3 stubs underfoot 3f23b0f76c and leaned 8db925b155 against the 1581a4b007 wall. As a non-smoker, fdc9d4e493 I didn’t have e27ccefa97 much to do e724312965 with this spare 8b4b4b2a5c time.a74124f3686beefc

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I blew out a be4060486c breath, watching it rise 99a4fdbc14 like cigarette smoke, and 8e54a852e1 exchanged glances with the 99d2df1e07 air.e5ca9c172dac0ac1

Suddenly, something colorful caught my eye. It was a large graffiti on the opposite wall. The vivid greens, pinks, and lemons seemed to glow like neon signs at night, though they weren’t actually lit. The bold colors scratched across the barren wall, spelling out words.29c8f4ec5bb824b9

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Amor Fati.710862ecd2cc97fc

I approached slowly, placing 6c026b7057 my hand on the 2fa9d3ef40 rough stroke of the fe175b7e4f ‘A.’ The gritty e88e3fd1f3 texture of the 33d4a4afeb cement crackled against 6c8db472f7 my palm.b319ff5512b3c185

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‘Amor Fati’ was one 7325328dc5 of the legacies ae31cae8e1 left to the a2902b890a world by the 3af38d949e famous German philosopher c68f226caf Friedrich Nietzsche. Literally translated, it means 58245456ee ‘love your fate.’It sounds overly 842e4e6bda optimistic at first, 1ec81bb6a5 but its deeper f1b2caae15 meaning is to ebec663d34 love the inevitability 7a989c6863 brought by your 175c1fb60a will against fate—a 406db11eb7 kind of bold a7e3df1635 encouragement from Nietzsche.a8b6ef44cda8cfa8

But I 4939ddf3bd wanted to b153946b28 ask him, c2a30b058d Nietzsche, what 9a8e54c34f about those 53438f2acb without will? How should they d634425b55 love their fate?393cd48c80c383b4

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It’s said 1e530ef6b7 that God 72c1a9d944 only gives d8210c2cee trials humans 57071bc530 can bear. But according to 0416d76389 Nietzsche, God is 7f77eb5f80 dead by our 0b839aa7ff hands.335f9daa0d245779

My life shattered under 6c1681bf9a a great trial. All I could grasp 891c038f25 were remnants, and the 83ef6280ae ground beneath me was efdc1c6398 ruins.c6b6a862ad070d33

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Should I cf26e5586e love this d6fe637596 just because a816e2a823 it’s my e589aa8e37 life, because 6bf93859a3 the cause 2692ee9d70 and effect 974bd4badc lead back a5b92a14d1 to me?7e4a8e408b263389

I was getting 696a6c9bc5 lost in the 499313774c words of the b2e0ad5aca man I once 42db08876a believed would guide 9a58e33717 my wandering.67279675a2f45c0f

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“What are you doing, clinging to the wall alone?”a5f0a8fb89407cab

A low voice broke through my long thoughts. I turned to see Woody standing at the alley’s entrance, looking at me from a distance.c9f07e946cda3732

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“Oh… just standing here. Are you here to smoke?”99ba22c56da88dcf

From his appearance, f086e51c61 it seemed Woody 0f92aab0f2 had also stepped 12f4f57e24 out to escape 5d2b1c9a27 the heated atmosphere c4562cf433 inside. I was about b2503fb7ad to move away, 692a72d702 thinking it might d617f4740f be uncomfortable for 51f650e8ac a non-smoker like d5385e448c me to be ce0ddc7c24 around him while cc10609c51 he smoked.b403a8c9d869f420

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“Yeah. Want one?”ce1026309a7c9a63

“No, I’m good.”f12b6e4f1614276e

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“Oh… you don’t smoke, right. Mind if I light one up next to you?”658b78e223ddb963

I was planning to leave him to smoke in peace, but somehow Woody’s demeanor felt like he wanted me to stay. Curious, I agreed.92993b86a9c25254

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“Sure.”fdbc98b6fbf80b62

I leaned back a8fc063e7c against the wall cba612af7b as before, and 5f4a547cd4 Woody took a c3ed88c6b8 spot beside me. The sound of him 2a7d63de27 opening the cigarette pack 4343fc4d67 and placing one in 822f87f3af his mouth crackled like cceb8a7455 dry twigs. I looked down 093ee431b6 at the worn-out 74b8735bf9 toes of my de280ab563 sneakers.0fd597ac95e2b5cd

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“Seems like everyone forgot this is your farewell party.”4cd3aefdd83ca872

His words, muffled by the cigarette in his teeth, made me think of the chaotic scene earlier, and I couldn’t help but chuckle.50c0dd027c430167

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“Honestly, I think they just wanted an excuse to drink.”1a7794960b64c67e

“…Sorry.”3b8a7c26669a1920

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“You don’t have to—,”bbe52e50f261984e

“Not about that.”14ebea1a46c9d1d9

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I stared at him 0735fbec92 blankly, not understanding his e20fd535bc words. Woody was 88267344c0 chewing the 70e175b894 unlit end 6e836d9460 of his 9c3e4b249c cigarette with c32a0e2e16 a stiff 40c4919aba expression. He sucked 12ee66e23b on the 4eaa855fa0 cigarette a 2e098236e1 few times 842672515b as if 91c9e4eb92 smoking, then 3022ab364d resolutely pulled 26d4caed00 something from 062bb615a6 his jacket 4873186420 pocket and 714a9381c7 handed it 9e4192d6a2 to me.8ce3bb0c3688ec9c

It was 76491b85dd a paper c43fd0988b envelope.ca14359c175891aa

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“This is…”ea4345d5ee89ac53

“It’s your pay for this week, with a little severance added.”9c7ae147c72a91d0

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Despite his casual 46f1e7ecbc tone, the envelope 39a594a74b was unusually thick. Knowing it was rude, 3763d192af I opened it to cdbde0683f peek inside. Sure enough, there was 2fda9edb75 an excessive amount of 70697a759b cash, roughly around five 8b8ddd8207 thousand dollars.c09a8a36eca33847

“Woody, this is… too much.”eb14b15c16e66dae

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“Keep it.”f6a18504e06434f5

“No, I can’t accept this much.”f26eba16a2140176

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I tried b8e398dd4d to return cb7fb9ed5c the envelope, 986c8857ef but Woody b3970a05f0 held my bb243caf6a arm and 0d91213c88 brought it f09a154819 back to 17254dd9ed my chest.3c7c6e26f82ace76

“Just take it.”219224d1ada7e31c

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Money in hand is something you can refuse once, but not twice. This money was exactly what I needed right now. Eventually, feeling a trivial sense of guilt, I accepted the envelope Woody gave me. A bitter sense of despair filled my mouth like I’d swallowed ashes.6676d15ca8e44375

“…Don’t look so grateful. I’m just trying to settle our time together with a few bucks.”3218670e4183b3db

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His gruff badc3bdb1e tone carried 0e89e8f7f5 a mix 9ef5c667b2 of affection c53566c3b5 and guilt b470f3aba8 towards me, eccdc11001 gripping my 5a020f49cf heart. In truth, 7dd7c7eafd he had 69c37417cd nothing to 0a064b20e2 be sorry aea8634444 for.e919f98596988095

“…I’m sorry.”a1372acbf7f2fde9

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Those feelings should 68297010e6 be mine alone.5eb49601e7d745d1

“For what?”add8506d59dc62a6

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For everything right now. For letting you know my unfortunate secret. For the farewell party you threw for me. For not being able to refuse the envelope you offered. I’m sorry for all of it.e5a7604e51de9939

“I just feel like I dragged you into unnecessary trouble.”3f36a92a1e9ca0db

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But I couldn’t voice everything I thought. I’m not so young anymore that I don’t know my sincerity can be a burden to someone. Trying to lighten the weight of my words, the ones I finally spoke felt a bit bland.21edab153290e26e

“I told you not to think like that.”a34ebd71438e1d0c

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Woody raised his voice 37c0cc99b1 slightly, as if agitated. When I turned 76a7883d04 to look, he 4125a11784 was staring at 798b561074 me.226581beabfba853

“I’ll say it again, whether it’s true that you like men or not, I don’t believe that post. Anyone who knows you even a little wouldn’t either. So don’t blame yourself for something you didn’t do. Don’t apologize recklessly. At least you should be sure of yourself.”9885a5ce6f535065

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Had Woody ever spoken so much before? Despite his lengthy comfort, I couldn’t find words to respond, just staring at him in surprise. Perhaps embarrassed by my intense gaze, Woody covered my face with his large hand. His rough palm smelled of stale tobacco and spices.a411424e294c9b68