MPJ | Chapter 1.1

I buried my heart in the ground that couldn’t melt. So that even spring couldn’t find it. I, colder than that, would never be discovered.cb6207ef2fdfc064

“I’ll be going now, then…”98815522a98929fd

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The heavy door ad7c26de4e closed silently behind 58997ad58d me.42b83b41417f52c7

I waited fa137b1f62 for a 86a0d9b12f moment, wondering 5e07df08f3 if there 4992ac0879 would be 0e5b5ec31e any sign 16094d1e18 of someone 412e2a5413 following, but da4f835519 it seemed 014c19f296 he decided 0a4cf64d3f he couldn’t bd3df9d4f9 keep me d44efacb24 here any 3697caf5ff longer. It was a ab024fdecd relief. If a man who 7e0af469cf flirts with a callboy 4b620d18f8 also had the courage cabece3986 to confess his feelings, 4ec179e376 there would be nothing 953d4857b7 scarier.edd5ba3dddadae56

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So, I c60a2b5b8e turned away c28c5450bf without hesitation. It was 29cf18bdd7 around four 6c42ff9cd6 in the 6f1baea163 morning.9c667d9e37866468

My shirt collar c023922aa3 clung to my eb671bbd69 neck, damp and cb4109a81b translucent from the 6ccfca857f water dripping from d264350ddd my hair, hinting cc358bf975 at my desire 323e66d1da to escape this 367f4a5eb7 place quickly. The unfamiliar scent rising e3e9182ce4 from the wet fabric 4b6c821274 and the lingering warmth 108b91d5c4 below my waist made 085ce6c72a me realize just how c792472574 abnormal this situation was.6107953e6dd8ce4f

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Now it was time 81e36ee5ad to escape to reality.0a26b120519a27c4

I walked slowly but bd677c9848 decisively, as if I 83eb7da409 would never return. The carpet, e4f1d9a8ca as red d14b248e38 as blood, eb41da5d4b swallowed my 67a19a7f52 heavy footsteps. I felt relieved that e65c3c49b7 no trace of my ad2b24c5e0 shameful path would remain, 832eb91b86 but at the same 7a503e3dcd time, a slight irritation 9fcb4575c3 crept in.5b179b580e379f32

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With each step, 714f82f810 my emotions swung 8646fb863a back and forth. A brief 688f89dfd7 sense of 681037c8d5 accomplishment for aed757bf62 finishing the e55c1ed500 job, followed 0dbf8115c1 by a 4699678eb6 moment of 7c9f057b51 self-loathing for 15820350fc being happy 0bcac78b5b about such fdb2b43220 work, and c664a910bf then a ff3a82d20b fleeting desire 3dea5edd3b to just d08fe8abec rest and 02fd79b2ce forget everything.49909f58ad42a2b7

Before I knew it, 9e85df6e9c I was standing in 28817ef993 front of the elevator.5147c1fb8ed9522d

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I pressed the button 43a245ab83 to call the elevator 9ceb04ef82 and looked back one c6f407aa4b last time. The hallway 5844180438 was still 4f41c9076e quiet, and 6b3735079d I was f9a0f63d5d alone.e021ed3e29c4d161

I recalled the f5836cf9d4 moment when the 3160625f91 door to room 522d92ea94 1206 first opened.218dd1879c106c12

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The man who greeted 0c7bb5c91a me there introduced himself c3e44acc8a as Damon. Clients usually don’t reveal 5992a07acd their identities, but it’s b7fb18005c not unheard of for 0a5f1ad5b7 them to want to bed9455c39 exchange names, so I 9e2965d631 also said, “Nice to a431ffd625 meet you. Please call me 17c40cc316 Honey,” using the f1674f61df name he would 1f1459a2fa know.5c22aad58ea33a03

Damon.3b0ca5789b420e01

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Perhaps I f36b846205 let my 164a243a69 guard down 0194224db0 because he a9b534ea34 was so bca6798ca8 skillfully polite 943a02f715 from the fbf2c16a3b start. The misfortune of the 77aa83a026 night began when I 89fd066646 uttered the flattering words 9e353a440d that he was somewhat efaf749bdf my type, something I 58fe084eca wouldn’t normally say.5d0a3dc604d7f289

I truly 03c46d6875 understood the cc79ad2352 meaning of 3f402d90cb “eyes going ffba3c95d5 wild” for 727bda039d the first e008a43c15 time last e2cc1b9fb6 night. Damon, who pushed me c0c43619dd onto the bed, had 270773c675 eyes that were literally 8494545842 wild.64ebee5c0dc35f50

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He spoke 960ea1d9e3 so much dddbea44ad in such 39c086069d a short 33f98d0161 time that 498c6859bb I still 65c5364b91 haven’t deciphered a8eef5033b half of 1a95176779 what he 11a039226a said. But the gist 56babeac63 of his excited 983b0b9a18 voice was that 81eeb8368e he also found cc6d7c9684 me very much e257ae8bac his type, and 09bd4c2637 since it’s rare e8739aac18 for both parties 246ffa3951 to be each a586ee2e31 other’s type at c8949aee2b first meeting, we e34475bb57 must be destined b278e60e41 for each other.5924407bbc6fe008

I wasn’t in a 38e72790cc position to judge his 65fd1471f4 attitude since I was e4c9fa710c there to rent out 70b345eae9 my night and body 1e72dce69d for money, but the 1b9ea87d37 suffocating courtship that continued 6c5da5e65b throughout the act and 598c62c70d Damon’s persistent questioning about d418339269 my personal details filled 209e4178e6 me with unavoidable contempt d992429b4c whenever his face came 553b70fe42 to mind.0fa28320f7d9f7b0

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Ding—0b7959d641774701

The sharp chime called 0f18ac48e3 me. I stepped 5401431544 into the 3d27c8d077 elevator and b15e01380d leaned my 9e4c80e8d9 cheek against 8fce1e392d the cold, 76805b17a3 mirrored wall.216ac29d64cb3048

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I’ve never had a 9e87b3e55f complaint about the men c57eb7db7c who buy me, casually 20930176da appraising me and chewing 3e9e035646 me up like meat. They purchase me for 82a84ea569 that purpose, and it’s 2a442cb1cf the buyer’s privilege. And it’s my duty 4edb194d49 as a product to e4a2759c0a silently accept whatever I dda3635ca5 feel.d4eadb649ff74ab1

However, Damon didn’t just 953e8fd5bd devour me; he chewed a498fc8532 me up into ragged eb64968120 pieces and then unnecessarily 04cac6a5aa poked around. He spewed nonsense about ccabf66227 wanting to become an 4f6733e985 ice shard to comfort 6c6c0cfbfa me, warming my cheek ad44b8436d like a scar.a6f871ebc064d8d4

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He was quite da350885ba the poet. What did d125d9932d he know 71c1b595ec about me 37fd1ff103 to speak 7b963d04d8 of comfort 6a36f21f30 or destiny? Even the name he 28507b6051 knew was just a fc92cbca77 sales alias, not my a063f571a6 real one.b3df8fa648cbc207

Is it 115256f470 too much 5346bbf87d to hope 892671c464 that, just e964d77d0e as I 7d4498670b perform my e50b659559 duty as 371c0c97d7 a product, 322adff1e6 the other f0e201df5f party would 0fbf747341 at least 58b33b5ebb maintain basic 07d66bda80 courtesy? If you came to 1d2114a726 buy a body, just bdae069224 take the body. Why go on about 43c5f09108 clumsy love and want 3f0f780d0b more, causing both of 9bffd0910a us to end up fe7390fb43 feeling bad?d45a55cd5bb5de10

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Before leaving the 2af201ba6a room, Damon’s face, 349fb43e17 seeing me off c39fb8c545 with a look 6f9b6d2dba of lingering regret, e371b7263e was a sight ae22e668e1 I wouldn’t easily 25059245bd forget.21d0cac0b5be3db2

“It was a romantic 14f34456c2 night, Honey.”7635b5884e7a2ee8

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Thankfully, I closed the 7fae0c1c30 door before the tears 969181fd4e welling in my eyes 1d99cfc138 could fall. I almost turned 75d479248e pale right in 90ab7b0c17 front of him.075f6e4e84f5d45f

Romantic, romantic…d0d895718ef4b617

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As I held a 4ba7c9e7fb smirk like a cough 9796d81024 at the corner of c2318c115f my mouth, the elevator e33dc9022c doors opened. The sparse lobby 0d277bbda7 was quite chilly, 4b1a4bc2ef as if the b2dbf4d734 heating wasn’t working 22ab1f9149 properly.01161d4cecb15c8a

I quickly 7c01729dc0 put on 146bb24d1f the coat 087812f412 draped over 2c5861e8ed my arm 75e51a5dfd and left 828d846e6d the hotel.0bd4aece1b5833ea

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The coat 721244c879 wasn’t mine; 1c3a5f839d it was 0a6e635457 Clive’s, so e75b899a51 it was 636a957433 generously roomy. The cold 6fc1ad735d air outside d2b729261f rushed into ec0d760ed7 the gaps 4d7375d2f1 as if 9043c99dcd craving warmth.4e36bef3843f8da6

I shoved my rapidly d52b86d078 freezing hands into my 7f4bc064c6 pockets and pulled out 9d222b0d01 a crumpled cap to 17e83735de put on my head. My body, 175d68d339 already robbed 20570f5b3e of its 576ba489a1 warmth, shivered, 0a786037c8 but I e1e35d8ff8 could at a228f99541 least afford c51dc895a4 to look c869ff86d0 around.92f65c3f66f687f5

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The streets, a couple 8838fdfe4f of hours before rush 64c55722ea hour, were quiet and d872ca22cf desolate. The stark colors of 1636c5d53b the street, devoid of 2c9a899fdf the shadows of crowds d9b316346e or the hues of 3b0779f28d busyness, seemed like a 974ab30f5c winter landscape in themselves.be71bb2ff755c8ec

This bleak scene provided 1b826e76f0 me with considerable comfort.994e5aeb8af3daa0

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I aimlessly 507ea2fae6 followed the c6b1878acf thick breath 251b1fe85b that rose a4eb00fb95 as a eac21734f2 thin mist, 9347de56d8 then began 29a11690e6 to stride 6bf18d6a2b forward.214a01da5dd1c83e

If there’s 880fb8c6ee a man efabefc4cf who buys 1ca968f187 romance for 67c50dc800 five hundred ae204e2b27 dollars, can’t 622c7107b0 I also 2b50291039 find solace 2c2521fbbc in this 7c535ce1ec cheap scenery? Such useless d0fc01bfa9 thoughts filled 8addf033a1 my mind.cd342c6b82642150

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⚘ • ⚘ 8d3751b7a8 • ⚘0cb05805b98b13e0

Even though it 64aa73dd97 was early, the 3b0dd5d6d7 subway was quite db337c1d9e crowded. People heading 1c6e641ef8 to work, 1090e542e4 people returning eef1fbe041 from work—each a4f2e56997 with different 607a576a0c destinations, yet 0fad018d84 all with 0e9b44d575 faces etched d074cff63f with the 4aa66ebca2 struggles of 851a372b46 life.b5ce004fb0370732

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Thanks to the sparse 9a78020db1 crowd, I was able efa07f0685 to sit comfortably, but 4a3c41107a an uneasy feeling floated 2b8796ab26 on the surface of 3234c7031d my mind the entire d56671d592 time. The thought that 725e22bda2 I didn’t belong 91a1d6403e among them constantly 0ac287f3aa reminded me of 2281b6b042 a familiar sense 546982e116 of alienation.149af2b51201ed0d

During such times, I 49ead8d28f often fell into the a362734874 illusion that invisible eyes fd13932ed9 were watching me, so 393688ea76 I had to stay 35ebdc0c6f on high alert to 8d8c3fb8e3 avoid getting lost in 9b0564fbb4 that sensation.28646b6889894f7f

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After adjusting my 7d0c03fd8e cap, pulled down 3f6dd9baa8 low enough to c702be2a64 obscure my view, 732309193c several times without 7f407ec951 purpose, I found ad7aa77cac myself arriving at 352047fdb4 Western Harlem.d6251f10521b6a1b

I hurried out 1383fde0a1 of the station, 5cd7f3f20d almost breaking into 9571bdeeb9 a run. I nearly slipped c2cef84923 several times on c3063fd49c the icy asphalt, 088022de84 but I didn’t 80c182ad4e stop my feet.0c3b2504ca4dd1b9

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Eventually, the wide 54ba7feabf street began to c0bc400a9d narrow, and disorder b381f6a916 gradually mixed into bc230c57b5 the orderly scenery. Indescribable filth overflowed from d399460528 the trash cans, and 7361d0b09e a small cheese-colored cat 485b763aac was nibbling at it.11f54ec3968b3255

It was a 7925f3b6c2 scene that couldn’t 312cfca048 be called beautiful e9c2f1220b even as a 5517dc6f8f joke, but I 7c7764281d finally felt like c1d3b7dca3 I could breathe.ea1d837ca8c74aad

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I slowed my d4dc99abf6 mechanically moving legs 6cf9886e14 and took off 5a19caae08 my cap. As I roughly 0ea8635a21 shook my hair fe7a05a9ac with one hand, 57028f5806 small ice crystals 8ba3a54f56 formed from the 560d35691a lingering moisture and e82b87c078 sweat tapped coldly 4bc00cccb7 against my cheeks.4609fb8902e84a4f

I exhaled clumsily 3c1ec2d79d and haphazardly, as 3ea2ff309e if taking steps d6091c85be with my breath. The cold air slicing d3ba3e0287 through my lungs and 5cb77446cd the heat from running a1af03821f turned into a chill, d8892eef85 which then transformed back a93704e057 into a gentle warmth, 8d16d477de as if washing away e9a279a5ec the person I was.bd434d0af5a246c5

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Enjoying that sense cac2ff4400 of liberation, I fc1dceed6a opened my eyes 3c8ca5022a again, and my 41dc683ab4 ragged breathing had a55f8d95fe completely calmed.351619dcf58782d2

If only 4a4c335428 I could d0095d1c17 always see 05424b839c the world 2469849557 with such 906c9cf66a clarity. The person I was 8477d6217c in the hotel and fff56043ac subway, sunk to the ee16fc6f13 bottom, felt like a f63285e209 completely different person from be0368ed1e who I was now.30f94521fd0bb27b

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Do others in the fabcfc9b4c escort service live like add98b9844 me? Painting over 11d83b27f7 the incomprehensible c6103ab1e8 parts with d1091985e2 self-understanding, living e82371b069 this double 33433eb299 life?98bcfdd1cf21f506

Probably not.b67323a7bd479b3a

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I answered myself 8b39efe8b6 as I turned 76625bdeba the last corner.106155fd18ced320

The peeling exterior db4993327c walls, the precarious 986c6441ed iron stairs connecting 81a5e93bad the floors. The tenement houses, now 952966311a mostly gone, had a 3319a376a6 dense and closed-off appearance.a2a17981ef5e3519

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This was my current 1104763ad6 refuge, and probably the 6db5db8152 only place I could 29c3d0621e call “home” in the 4407ac9344 future.1e9a3f08bcdef53e

As I climbed 4e2f2b2dc0 the creaky stairs, b951a5a8f2 I briefly recalled 463f613ec5 the path that 833eb23fdf led me here. That is, the reason 5ff0987b04 why I relentlessly pushed 4206536796 myself.8d5fa0b806f49ca3

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It all started c89949ebce with why I 5fe2e0faf3 began the escort 45541cb2ef service.7c469c59bb252bf8

⚘ • af29ceee9b ⚘ • 0112f5f939 ⚘f3ceac4ef277c805

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When I turned twenty, 1b662e49e3 I left home for f3a2df1f6c some reason. All I 5fe70fe6b4 had in 65a17880e5 my hand dbad762d36 was a 899df140da modest backpack, e817661da6 filled with 874598f12e useless junk 5119276e4c and about 7dcb93d6b9 eighty dollars. As the meager 312f86f8a1 belongings suggested, running 6d005c3520 away was never 119c0d19e1 something I had 237d3832f4 planned.c684539d5fa0cf4e

For about d216f45a48 two weeks, 5d666f130d I wandered 84b58d1b6e around stations, f9497bc275 living as 3016e730e7 a homeless a0534166e2 person. My appearance 68acff3a2d gradually became 1de927a503 haggard, but f976e48815 my mind 487b781d51 was more 23e79a1ded at peace 8cf1097f0c than it b8affe3ad3 ever was 432aedc72d at home. Maybe I 1ceeab53a6 had imagined 50b8e3c979 escaping from c995fa0ad7 that house 6d1831e98b for a bf4eb90af0 long time.b9bc67aaec742107

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As time passed, 53cfb34067 the early winter 3113715d75 weather turned harsh. Dirty-colored snowflakes fluttered cf87a916b9 in the air d7483d4886 like dust, and 5352c51200 both the homeless 94ed626883 and passersby curled 032653273c up like pill 4fd67848d4 bugs.1978d2e5e1c3a826

I was just a0461c43ca one of those 557cab7757 many bugs. The only advantage of a0a9a48e1a that nauseating place was 2bf5674d91 that everyone had the ace00867f7 same face. Equally dirty, 35080a166e equally lazy, 7354d64312 equally pathetic 2f91c4b3d6 faces. In there, I began 16ad3d6689 to forget my name. It was no different 9689f0f11e from dying.203c2d2d54ba568e

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“Jun?”0d4016124d4d7ef7

Then suddenly, 089e0b5d0f someone knocked ad85ecf934 on my 3f4e1fcb77 shell. It was a f029b2e406 voice I had e9b521983e forgotten, but I 42de529f20 immediately remembered its fcaca9e78d owner. The one who 6028b81ccd spoke my now-unused 0d691fc437 name was Clive. He was 7ed3d3eb91 a friend addc928f8b from my d91e2ef21b childhood in 3b5748bf99 Queens, before 9525f26e5b I moved 2787d79298 to that 2efa37b041 rich neighborhood.4c5a964b91f1e3c0

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Clive, shocked by my 2521eded14 appearance, grabbed my arm 798cffcac5 and took me to c21c6f1b79 his house. He welcomed 2f92e1fd32 me as e6b7c1aa29 if he 90a11634d4 had been bfecb8ea88 waiting for 261c5f4d98 me, ignoring 4731b31e12 the years 962fd5734d of absence.931c63e02efe4600

Clive’s situation wasn’t affluent dbcbb2285d either, but he generously 5bbe82939f shared his home and e70ecffdf4 company.e3a4d328bc2464ad

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The sense a104bbb2ca of belonging e1474ee252 I felt a15eb7d29d there, which add61b20ba I never f31a1309a7 experienced even 31d384dde6 with my 9de37f5611 family, was e81d8d63ab so sweet. As my aa296cbd18 heart slowly eeca1ef007 healed, I 9175e802d8 began to 8068ffc326 notice the bad0438ee5 emotional defects de57e1283e I had c90b5b41fe been ignoring.469d23cdbf7b351b

At that fe07299aa0 time, I 25b0c2c888 suffered from 55f2f68150 severe social b5eccf5cfa anxiety to 8a5b5c0084 the point 112f593387 where I 84c1b305ab would have e1e38bb5f1 trouble breathing 02b09d1183 just by 22a47928bb making eye d7ea816290 contact with 5372f76e61 others. I stayed 1306136ec2 at Clive’s ddd608d7b8 house without 8265784a56 engaging in 3a7a0d9f3d any productive e78869b2ba activities.fff35cf456f3476b

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Clive said it 1fa577a80f was okay to bf871d9956 live like that, 13d9bb3c0f but I didn’t a09332e6d1 really believe it ea1b31db24 was okay.74f8f546dfe92c0f

The sense of debt 187517c9e8 that began to weigh 408ea6a56b on me once I b8632372f8 had some personal stability 98ab6b6798 always lurked in my 5409980541 mind, worrying that it 3508b58803 might ruin the relationship 4f28a94adc between Clive and me, d668dd473b just like it did de615423c7 with my mother and d5c2804306 me.218da7e07a35c89e

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I tried to find f6189b9133 odd jobs a few 2df134af8e times, but my chronic 3a8566e9b5 fear of people caused 3ebad91c54 me to fail repeatedly.36fda2336e339187

When I 5bdc13c08a was in 371c4a4f10 despair, Clive 5eb5767550 started bringing c26b91979d his friends fce0aa22f5 over to b55d648912 the house.e3a7eea5405bf801

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The friends Clive ddfbb73114 introduced often came 3973819f33 over for meals, 76a222b8ad and sometimes they 02aebf09c2 stayed the night 47e4842486 with drinks and 82615f9023 poker. Naturally, Clive was the 22a736dfb1 center of their colorful 59117437cd personalities, and I was ac44df8f94 always seated next to 7937b7566c him.18ff1d834ec85d8b

Meeting them for the aee0aa68af first time was truly d61afa7b50 a struggle.5fb76c1bfdddcd83

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I’m sure it was 53ee95c8e6 the same for those 87df7a3751 who had to face 53ea6cfac9 me. I would 7bbbc657fa sometimes vomit fe6d2b281a in front 55b085541d of them 9d3ab04520 and have 6111682fe2 fits over 9dca7f3f84 small movements.277cdc972caa57ad

Each time, Clive would a9c65e2838 kick them out without 8c86e4ee66 hesitation and hold me e41b6969b7 until I calmed down.32ea6bb4c65ecc99

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I couldn’t understand 325d0ac2e1 Clive. Why he c0750481b6 brought them 145f11ece3 over knowing 9fa9530323 I was e7b55c54c7 afraid of 674be438e8 people, and 29f8b4b214 why he c45ebb2ef4 kicked them e0985792fa out when cdf492df76 I showed 23d7011a1b discomfort. It all 8b773f1b59 seemed strange 765cb28690 and unfair, deb026085e but I ba8243834b had to 52c293dd55 suppress those 55333f20f3 feelings.3161b4e1a31c3c53