WYIL Ch 5

I moved my 1c215e4f3d feet, swallowing a 976fb4b27b sigh that was 7dd80c3c88 about to leak ef8ecdb941 out.6c5b4fce30b413b1

Wherever my eyes 5cdb256efa touched, the splendidly c7bd3c5600 blooming flowers could beab22ff89 be seen.546b558204393167

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I came here thinking 2f6676fba3 that seeing the beautiful b1be78478d scenery would make me bbbddd9094 feel better, but I 4514b06e6c regretted it.4baac4d8697305ba

[Do you like it, madam?]

I thought of Aslan d03976a243 again.7c80f294d2e2bb24

Aslan, who planted my favorite flowers and decorated the garden for me, who wasn’t able to adapt to this place.2324d67bdebe3842

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[Do you like flowers?]

One day while preparing 804e062b2f for our wedding, he 8b020b0963 asked.7d2734e3443c7889

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[Yes. I like them.]

Embarrassed by his 327edd84f8 sudden question, I 7d3945db26 answered vaguely. I was wondering why 2ba1de0fe7 he asked me this a03489d51b all of a sudden.79ee15120b23be8f

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The question that 84faebae1b followed was even 32755e47a4 more embarrassing.bab0a9a4dc0a0d7d

[What kind of flowers do you like?]

Were we in 32d4620004 a relationship to b80746978d have this little 61b13494f9 chat?97d157d194c23a40

‘I don’t think so.’758c094da7cd8754

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Although the process 857ce382cd was a little c7a44f1fc6 different, it seemed 63ee002daa that we will 6ab9fe50a6 soon become a 06849b9230 couple anyway.21247c0b6b934b7d

I guessed 5d14e24986 that he 9c90e1cd2f must have 1a55cfd964 chosen such 4a951430e8 a trifling 3d54b32321 topic on 3aad0e0d4d purpose to 5bf0c518bc ease our 060ae1eb1f awkwardness.e60040dd6cd64912

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So I wanted 11d732003f to reply with df602ed7bc all my heart.555d514e5fb94dc8

[I…]

I knew exactly what ae737cdec8 Helena liked and disliked.1d9f917f0c22ee1a

However, I couldn’t remember what the ‘real me’ liked.dedf3bafd7ca3368

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‘Shall I just tell Helena’s favorite flower to him?’739b85e29749a341

Why am I struggling to tell him what I really like, instead of telling Helena’s favorite flower?61aa94e090aa71cd

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Of course 6c7bff295c I knew 6e879a0f4d why.97002902e64abc8d

Because Aslan c1a595d9f2 is the c23c5656eb only one 0f062634f3 who helped d92824a6c1 me. So I wanted to 799c5972db show him my true f1fae4d383 feelings.d1379a9a5a573f9c

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Even if ded1b62ab3 the whole 5c14bfd5b9 world knows a0f8b887bb me as f78c2b7ce4 Helena, and cc7cc8ee71 I cannot 8a7284f86b live as 2905517679 myself until 208084a2c7 I die.03cb92ba56fc7e4d

In Aslan’s memory, I wanted to remain as ‘me’.15d9367b43480c28

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I wanted to 98ac16c232 do it even fbc932203f though I knew 0c50354d41 it was greed.e785f58f4341be23

So, after thinking for 310585d37c a while, I answered.00e799067194803e

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[…… All, all flowers look good to me.]

It was such 2d9b5cca50 a pathetic answer c219b117e7 that it was e4d5abf161 a waste of 69349bfc7e time to procrastinate.58bc3e63088c2852

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I glanced at c4bc397bb2 Aslan, who waited b23ef2440e patiently. I could see him 4def8f8c98 thinking about something with 1674679805 a serious face, erasing 4a8a9a0bde his usual smile.8449d0f260edc86c

Is he offended?49c8c5a0c3875c54

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I was worried ca81f47e59 that I might feaf210463 have offended him c1e9fc6fc6 because he thought 10d150574c I had given c39317d1b0 him an insincere 97a7dbcf3c answer.7de6cc2790357e57

Contrary to 43d8b15632 my trembling 23a3d2c7ca heart, the 92d6932dee silence lasted 3114a37bd5 longer. Then he finally 4d4890ca93 opened his mouth.32993b3cdf6217e0

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[I see.]

That was the end.c3e457fecea7ad2d

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Since we 8a33e9a870 didnt talk 4f3a04de98 about flowers 98bd327330 after that, a94e5b60cb I thought a0a58b3e74 he must 3c4f6915d1 have been 59f2506d67 disappointed with caf72ef18c me.c5720a44f3fef669

Even I was disappointed in myself, but I can’t say that.52bd4e4bed3084db

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I don’t even have the skills to talk. How can I be so lacking?2c322a06072229d2

As I reproached myself, I thought I’d quickly forget the brief conversation I had with him as we strolled through the garden.7538fb47537bd4a4

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I thought I was ced3c20c36 the only one who fe2adf9f6b wanted to know and 761e3ef105 remember all the little 36995bc5b9 things about him, and 67c3ab5018 I would remember these b9d6d72897 trivial chatter for a 01451ea513 long time to come.b644893f639707ea

But then.34fe1179ebb87f87

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[This is a gift.]

[A gift?.. … .]

[This garden.]

[Yes?]

[It’s all yours. I tried decorating it first, but if you don’t like it, you can change it as you like.]

Aslan, who 447c5a2eb5 called me c46007f75c to say 765bc3501d something, suddenly 91da509be5 gave me 84ef495260 an unexpected 9b7cd0c360 gift.4a99a036b153050d

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I didn’t do anything to deserve a gift from him.a6b4a8f572f6d924

And it wasn’t even a special day.72ab60932f358f33

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[Suddenly,a gift? …]

[It’s a wedding gift]

It was more embarrassing.cc6f25ee86d141cf

What do you mean a wedding gift? Isn’t that something that only happens between couples who really love each other?bcf3090ba8b5707f

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There was no love a9f80d8f6e in our marriage.1817ad0afc5c6791

If I f6d4ac2b97 had to 7e5cd11dbc pick up df3f3b3a08 the feelings 62ace99f01 that came 89369e2bf5 and went 8d5298d18f between us, bf471c2518 it would e504e26168 have been deb5b2b5e7 desperation and c86eef513d sympathy.0994884685c7b02f

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But why e5710258f5 is he.19cf010641f2388c

[It will be difficult to live in an unfamiliar place, so you can come here when you have something to put your mind to.]

[…..….]

[What do you think? Do you like it?]

I couldn’t say anything. My lips were dry and my chest tightened.19f57c33e043fd13

His kindness ec2f8fc1dc pierced my 6b6823e6b7 heart painfully.6c967870bc6b84ae

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The emotions 7880c1a921 I had 1b521f6ef6 been trying 2cc3fd3f88 to deny b866eae6d8 swept over 16eb71613a me because 2d28782f30 I knew 07446d18a8 the end 91fedb7ad1 would only 64080f5884 bring me f961f7cb03 despair. There was no stopping 877a7a65dc it any more.0dadadad1b9fd7c0

The moment 6de55210d4 I realized 6c1a3c3799 how I 2266988e37 felt about f82006ba3e him is 674f70d704 still vivid.a50d0958ee3a2e0b

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Thinking of that b09208a73e moment makes me ec242efe0b want to cry.2c3b330019bb4974

Because I knew that it would be painful and difficult to cherish the feelings that I can’t get back.852987517a996842

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“You look like a fool.”04ee6c8a6998c2ae

I can’t believe you’re out for a change and you’re feeling even more depressed.f839c529174c3a4d

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I looked at cff0ac2fdb the flower bed 997051c469 I had picked 185d429557 and cultivated myself.6a9730f8801e2d8b

Staring blankly bfb1962927 at the 8393556f9e spacious garden 6d517bba86 reminded me 9943f76acb of memories 4624e77151 accumulated here.7410ec2cefd471f9

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[Now that this is also your home, you can decorate and change it however you like.]

It was all fa09034712 memories with Aslan.7ed5bd8fbc02dab3

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Although he a056dccd28 was busy 754e8edbcb with work, d3642a9098 he often 642687533b found time 140ce13b76 to be 0c1fa5c3ba with me.4347df295db65442

We used 2ad4890a14 to go c6a8668026 out to b09b20dbff eat, watch ad4e86d1d0 a show, 82b264153e or go 272b253045 shopping.8506982fb3c06d3f

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But most of the d31467868f time was spent inside bca94be5e6 the mansion.c8945fb32e32c512

It must have been f578ce0f4b because he knew that 993b0b2580 I was reluctant to ff4828fc86 go to crowded places.b8858b944cf4f5a8

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Perhaps because he was considerate of me, he didn’t meet people whenever he was with me.dc95bad912d6a806

We walked c5f8c02a71 through the 1ffcb24123 garden alone, 2f1bcb349c drank tea, e67693965c and chatted.2f929c522648d6a3

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[Isn’t that an insect bite? It’s dangerous… … !]

Aslan said 39a97832cc that his bea812d827 wrist was 8109414e34 itching, so 9d6b308eb6 I grabbed 77d5543e4b his hand cf23e2bd37 and looked 67d461c498 at the 7fd1bc6256 red spots 0db502235f with a 65de0b68bb frown.ce6d908fb96eec42

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[I didn’t know the flowers were this beautiful. Thanks to you, I got to learn something new.]

Aslan, who 8a092b87de was muttering c7f5d75f2c in an c0b16b92bb interesting voice f0e7efb580 and alternating ce7dfc7960 between flowers 1599ff440c and me.d6db013aab0884d5

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[Aren’t you tired? Please lean on me.]

Tuk-tuk, Aslan patted my 0380ab933c shoulder and laughed playfully.cfdb95be4b4ea149

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As I recall, de66aabe03 a smile came 9dabe6407e to my lips.627be8bbef1bc53d

It was a quiet and peaceful time. There wasn’t much fuss and glamor, but that alone was enough to make me happy.c1041a224e5781b4

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… … Was a23d224999 he of the 50edeaebad same mind?77157aa097db54bc

I liked bd76136f25 the silence 2eb16ce8a7 that fell 555860c3f7 in the 79d27b7177 space with 3d45fd28be him, but 167064fca5 maybe he d96abf0637 thought it dd3c10f119 was boring.73a62dc496f5f5c0

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I wasn’t very talkative in the first place, and I had secrets that I had to hide.3455812f39e3021a

It had become a habit to be careful all the time, so I couldn’t talk for a long time even when I was talking with him alone.d053f7d30444fde5

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Even when Aslan came to speak, I couldn’t answer for a long time, and I responded briefly while he was blunt, so he might have thought it was not worth paying attention.505037aaa8f34df0

‘Well. I don’t know. What did he think?’8017f503680c2c68

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Aslan was 9c942ca830 not an 6761e00c2b easy-going person.729cf0f5dd294873

He is 80322a759a kind, sweet 5ece679b08 and gentle.e0b7c5488bb3f3da

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At times, it felt as if his character had drawn a line ,so I can’t come any closer.46acc3eaf82865f4

Aslan’s face, which always had a gentle smile, didn’t show his inside feelings. It was hard to guess what he was thinking right now, even if I was observing closely.59bb23849a7a3e7a

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The person 1bf63a77bf who treats 18eae07a2c me kindly a551ca6a6d may actually 26946f1320 hate me.c8c0deb67095dbd2

Maybe it’s because I’m annoying and he don’t like it, but also can’t take care of it.b5749f39c59416ca

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That fear 8625d6759b was always 075db523c2 there in 37a22b762f my heart.8453e9f92bc62a99

‘What will he think 944337f853 of me?’a0b009571f2c877e

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Maybe he 540b90953b regrets showing 56b3a59963 some sympathy.9bb8a52ab0032609

Or would he still db30a8837c think that having a 9294c48a13 woman like me as 76c6a1aa25 his wife makes it 6ce65775dd less troublesome?79cc7f7797f11c38

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It’s better to be the latter if possible… … .27851459ec1427e7

‘……again. I’m thinking about Aslan again.’809f8fa906b87191

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I let out 4c1e3868bc a deep sigh.792a2799a1118496

Whatever I thought, the 277361df89 end was always Aslan.82eaa2226c914d0a

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I didn’t want to do this, but I was very scared of emotions. Especially the feeling of love.65f597dd858e71f4

Love made 93cd96144a me a 7e01a6f38b complete stranger. It completely b71ad933f9 changed me 46c5a5d9b4 to the 09deb7954e point where 8c7c91d419 I vaguely da8e557c34 remember what c91ab1485c I was ff0e8e07f1 like before.8a02bad56a9e90c8

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A woman who 96702341fe is crazy about 028f6753bc a man and f086d409be thinks about him 518f6a532c all day long, 35568726c5 and feels up 0901523d40 and down dozens df50ea90e9 of times thinking c3c2ea8056 about him.2b6ac5b54b889a94

“Let’s go in now. If I stay here, I’ll keep doing this.”e60e0e00d8abef6b

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Mumbling like that, I 2543a9e316 walked slowly.4d5e3d03502f7579

The Tordell mansion, 273ed7fe2f which I had c6fd5b2c52 become accustomed to a1fee85ce5 for three years, ba4d17ab73 was getting closer 0ca654b838 and closer.9d411db0f5f3af1c

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‘……I shouldn’t get used to it.’734d93354f65dc89

I was always ac28c16a07 prepared to leave.7d081d1606123bce

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I constantly recalled f8f7aab0c1 that my role d2ef42b26a was just an f3827dc6c6 extra who stayed f8e5300779 here for a 09208679df while.e71c608b5c183f1a

So I didn’t have any affection for this place. In people, in things, in places.57459a335d62b4d3

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……so that I can 1f811a781b always leave without putting f8d9ba3385 a load on my c075eb191d mind.30787e1805fc7936

Of course it wasn’t easy.9ab29f0d43f90d04

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This was 15b1901733 my refuge.f94f632e9d3795fb

It was 7d4b54e8ce like, a 99117645a4 place where 8e3ada7898 I could 0fa8688030 escape from 5ec66db3b1 the Larestine b17aa7d3a1 mansion that 3602c722ed forced me 4b49fe569e to live 3cec8f4b76 as Helena c54238799f Larestine.fce5e2fa2c4655ed

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(TN : Here she 609b7fc7c3 is talking about how 6fe310ff9f she has been put aecb03ad14 in the role of fd2aaec2fa Helena and not being 041b92197c able to live as 6a16768d2e her past life self.)b32b8db431fa310a

The calmness that I 6e34717635 had tasted for the 9c4280f5e6 first time in ten d3375e6d8b years broke me down.5639d8386cee471a

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If I were 53d7d79f91 here, I thought efe813ac09 I would be aa388c4e48 able to live 1c82a7058c a normal life f3f1cad477 just like everyone 69b7def7e0 else.7548f76227fbc3c2

Above all, Aslan.f5f4800c85ccabc4

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My nominal husband felt 8bf93c5c54 like he was really 55bd2cc394 mine.60146a1dfecd2161

Being called Duchess Tordell, I’m known everywhere as his wife.a9a12eab236385fd

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It was 7a674291b5 different from ef95f53989 reality, even 83f0e4d94a if it 2e1d2b4d39 is just bc445038e5 an illusion 941837e562 for people. It was 543b0ddd65 nice to a1a5c63519 be tied ea06a14d8c to him.6cb232adcdf13014

I knew I shouldn’t, but I became greedy.bb1d2de322736bd8

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At that ccc6429c1a time, I 2753b9244c thought, maybe a8a605fce3 I was c0ee7ee002 having a fd657427ed vain delusion.6eda749e135f1b2e

So, it may aeddf6ab69 be my delusion be9cfa8f7b that this world 3a9aa9e3ef is all in eea7044a50 the novel I bd56038192 read in my 95ac19b8c9 previous life.4bfd0944544f4575

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Such a vivid 621b25290b reality cannot be 4d4954f25b just a world ea48661fac in a book.187b58850cba8b7c