AA Chapter 4 || Amber Alert

They said they would just talk, but the FBI agents handcuffed Tennessee. He didn’t particularly complain. The advantage had already shifted to them. It was a game where the outcome was determined the moment you had more to lose.

If Tennessee hadn’t promised to return to the child, he would have somehow avoided this moment. He would have used Caylen as a shield, or fled without hesitation, killing everyone and risking getting injured. Then he would have looked back at the weight of guilt that would have somehow settled upon him.

But Tennessee didn’t resist and quietly followed them. Tennessee thought he had gotten dull, discarded like something useless. He was like a sharpened blade that had rusted and was only waiting to break. Yet, as he listened to Caylen’s words, he felt something within him had changed.

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“The child will go to a good home.”

“He’d better, Alexa Paulson.”

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“…You found out that much in just a week? Impressive.”

Caylen, no, Alexa growled that she needed to go beat up the security team.

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“Keep calling me Caylen. Don’t tell anyone my real name.”

Either way, Alexa or Caylen made no difference to Tennessee.

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“What’s the payment?”

“It varies each time.”

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Caylen flipped through a binder and showed him a page.

Tennessee frowned. The pay wasn’t what it used to be. In the past, his jobs often paid millions, with even minor ones starting at tens of thousands.

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Caylen ignored his reaction. She knew he wasn’t doing this work for money anyway. Compared to his previous work, the amount was small, but there were too many good mercenaries in the world who could be hired for this amount. Though they were the type who would sell out their country for a higher price.

“You’re accepting, right?”

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“Before that… I need to talk with the kid.”

With a gesture, another agent removed the handcuffs from Tennessee’s wrists. While rotating his stiff wrists, Tennessee wondered if there was a way he could avoid getting charges if he struck Caylen now.

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***

“Tennessee!”

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The child came running from far away. It had only been a week, but his cheeks were skinnier. And that was after he had carefully fattened him up with fast food and restaurant meals rich in sodium.

Unlike Megan who pointed her gun as soon as the door opened, the child recognized Tennessee immediately and straight away, without any hesitation, came running.

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The ground shook under his feet, his loosely tied shoelaces flapping. Like a whirlwind, the child crashed into him like a gust of wind. It was just like last time. Tennessee unconsciously reached out his arms. While holding the child tightly, Tennessee suddenly recalled his first murder.

After killing his mother and coming out to the backyard, Tennessee basked in the pouring sunlight. The field was dyed golden, and the sky was frighteningly clear.

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In that freedom, Tennessee broke down at the fact that he finally saw hope, and that it was premised on another’s misfortune. It was a painful happiness. A bitter freedom due to guilt. Yet, for the first time, Tennessee had experienced genuine emotions.

With the heavy warmth pressing against his chest, Tennessee tightened his arms and buried the child deep in his embrace.

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“Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

The child asked with his face buried in Tennessee’s shoulder. I was worried. Are you okay now? I’m glad you’re back. The child quickly yapped.

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“Don’t cry.”

The child bit his lip. He thought he was about to burst into tears, but he was already crying. It was a sadness that even the kid himself didn’t know he had been holding in. And somehow knowing this, Tennessee was holding the child and telling him not to cry.

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“Is it all settled?”

Megan, who was watching his tearful reunion with disgust, asked. When Tennessee nodded, Megan thrust out her arm as if to say ‘look at this.’

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Though he looked at her arm as requested, he couldn’t tell what he was supposed to see because of the many tattoos.

“Here! Look!”

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Tennessee’s gaze followed Megan’s fingernail. It was a faint laceration. Tennessee remembered the child firmly gripping the gun even during the moments he wasn’t calm at all.

“…Did he really shoot?”

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“Yeah! That damn brat!”

“It’s just a graze. You get worse than that just going to the kitchen.”

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“You think it’s time to joke around?!”

The child, feeling guilty about something Tennessee didn’t know about, flinched and burrowed deeper into his embrace. He stroked the child’s back with an unfamiliar touch.

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“Get your apology from the kid. Here’s the key. Thanks.”

“That little bastard!”

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Tennessee turned his back on the shouting Megan. She grabbed him and rapidly fired off questions.

“Is everything really settled?”

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While wondering if he should start explaining now, Tennessee looked at the child right beside him and made up his mind. There wasn’t enough time to explain everything to Megan. Tennessee said he would come back someday. Even then, the child remained in Tennessee’s embrace. He peeked up after his sniffling had subsided.

“If you’re done crying, get down.”

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“…I’m not done crying yet.”

“You’ve got nothing left to squeeze out.”

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Seeing the child deliberately scrunch up his face made him laugh involuntarily. It was absurd.

“Is it all over now? Are we safe?”

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When Tennessee held out his hand, the child placed the gun on it. Red nose, eyes full of tears.

“We’re going somewhere else now, right?”

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Getting into the car, Tennessee set the child down in the passenger seat. Even while wiping away tears, the child diligently fastened his seatbelt. He seemed to have developed good habits.

“Your wrist.”

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When he rolled up the jacket sleeve covering the wrist, perfectly healed thin skin was revealed. Tennessee smiled when he saw the tear stains all over that sleeve.

“Show me your teeth.”

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“Look at this. It’s starting to grow.”

The child stretched his mouth wide to show him. Though it wasn’t fully grown yet, a white, cute tooth was peeking out between the gums.

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That’s good. Tennessee nodded.

“Where are we going now?”

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The child asked while bravely wiping away his tears. Tennessee didn’t know how to break the news to the child.

A familiar silence flowed through the car. The child’s hands slowed as he tied his shoelaces. The child’s life had been one like dandelion seeds – half floating. That’s why he easily noticed Tennessee’s subtle silence.

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“…You’re not, right?”

The child looked up, but he couldn’t look back at him. He leaned his head against the driver’s seat and closed his eyes. The child clenched his mouth as the crying that had just stopped threatened to surge up again. The tears that wouldn’t come no matter how hard he tried while being held now flowed easily.

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“Tennessee. You’re not, right?”

“You’ll go to a good home.”

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“Tennessee…”

The child wiped his eyes with his sleeve that was already stained with tears.

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“Are you abandoning me?”

“No, listen.”

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“You’re abandoning me… You promised to tell me when you were going to leave me.”

“I’m not abandoning you.”

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“Liar!”

The child finally cried, begging not to be abandoned. It wasn’t just a tantrum. It was a prayer. Even knowing it wouldn’t be granted, knowing there was no possibility of it coming true, the child couldn’t give up.

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Tennessee recalled how the child had proudly stated he could live on his own. Back then, even though he had nothing but his body without even a single dollar, he had shouted such things, but where had that spirit gone? Now he couldn’t stop sobbing.

Please. Those words then were the child’s final plea. Even in that immediately bleak and powerless situation, the child couldn’t bring himself to say ‘don’t abandon me.’ It was his last struggle and pride as a child. Tennessee realized a bit late that not giving in had become quite a challenge.

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The child quietly shed tears.

“I’ll visit sometimes.”

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“I don’t want that…”

Between sobs, the child demanded to know.

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“Why. Why are you leaving?!”

The plea boiled over into resentment.

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“I have to go work.”

“Where?”

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“Afghanistan.”

“You weren’t supposed to. That was when you were a soldier, and now you’re here… Is it because of me?”

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The question came out without thinking. The child never dared imagine he held enough value for Tennessee to sacrifice anything for him, but the reason such a question came out was because the child’s intuition had asked it.

“It’s not because of you, it’s because of me. Because of my guilt.”

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“Hic… What guilt?”

Tennessee sighed and opened his mouth. Not knowing where to start, he paused between words. Should I start from how I began this work, or should I start from that moment…?

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“I do things that other people don’t want to do.”

“Like a private tutor?”

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Haha, nope.

Even in the midst of this, Tennessee laughed slightly. The question revealed the child’s view of the world perfectly. To the child, a private tutor was probably someone that parents who were too lazy to teach his kids at home would pay to call.

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Even while crying, the child was mesmerized by Tennessee’s laugh he was seeing for the first time. The corners of his mouth lifted gently and a smile appeared. So he knows how to smile after all. The child wiped his tears.

“When people pay me, I kill people for them.”

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The child’s eyes grew wide.

‘Remember a person named Taylor Watson?’

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‘Won’t he resent you, Tennessee? You owe the child a debt.’

“In the past, I worked however I could. I vaguely knew what consequences my actions would bring in the long term, but I didn’t care.”

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Tennessee took on that job several years ago. It was a job he received from a broker as usual. The amount was large because it was difficult.

The target was scheduled to enter the FBI’s witness protection program. A young man who had just turned twenty, he was a key witness in a trial. Tennessee didn’t ask and didn’t want to know what trial he was to be a witness in.

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And a few weeks after finishing the job, Tennessee saw the young man’s photo printed on the front page of the newspaper. He opened the paper as if in a trance.

The case the young man was set to testify in wasn’t an ordinary scandal. It was an allegation that the Child Support Agency and foster homes had received payment to send a small number of children as sexual playthings to powerful figures including high-ranking politicians and businessmen.

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Taylor Watson was at the center of the human trafficking, and William Hurston was among the suspects accused of supplying young children to him.

Child pornography could be obtained from computers owned by several politicians, but that was all. There was a lack of substantial witnesses during the investigation process.

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In a situation where more evidence was needed for prosecution, it was this young man who came to the investigating authorities. He claimed he had been sexually assaulted multiple times by various politicians until he became an adult, and was soon scheduled to testify. However, he never made it to court.

Tennessee knew the reason for this very well. Tennessee stared at the face of the person he had killed as if entranced.

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That was the result of his actions. Among those who were released after an important witness was murdered was Taylor Watson. He was the ‘Mr. Hurston’s friend’ the child had mentioned.

As far as Tennessee knew, the child had suffered terrible abuse from Hurston. If he had stayed there longer, beyond physical abuse, he could have suffered sexual abuse as well. Perhaps he could have become one of Taylor Watson’s many victims.

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“Then… if you hadn’t done that,”

“Both Hurston and Watson would have been indicted, or at least he wouldn’t have been able to harm children. That’s my fault.”

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The child looked at Tennessee, forgetting even to cry.

Tennessee knew that the child had great illusions about him. Perhaps the reason he hadn’t explained everything to the child was because he enjoyed those illusions. Because the flesh of the child’s admiration, yearning, and faith was sweet.

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“I can’t be a good person, so instead, I’ll send you to a good home.”

“No.”

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Biting his lips, the child held back his anger. He didn’t ask the child what he had been through. That was something only God and the child would know.

“Then don’t abandon me, you owe me! It’s all because of you!”

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The child who finally burst out in anger immediately shook his head.

“No, that’s not what I meant to say. I know. It’s not your fault, Tennessee.”

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Wiping the tears from his chin, the child stared at Tennessee as if glaring.

“Feel guilty only as much as you need to, Tennessee. Hurston tormented me a lot. It was horrible. But that’s because he was a bad person. Unfortunately, there are many devils in this world. Then is Derek your fault too? It’s not, right?”

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He wasn’t completely wrong. Even if it hadn’t been him, the job would have gone to another hitman. But that doesn’t absolve what he did.

Every action has consequences and responsibilities. As a result, Tennessee’s choice allowed Taylor Watson to roam free. Because of that, victims like this kid happened.

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“I’ll forgive you. Don’t abandon me.”

“It’s not because I don’t like you that I’m leaving you.”

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“Then why!”

“I’m not fit to be a proper parent or guardian. You’re young, and you need to find someone who can protect you and keep you safe.”

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“You’re that person, Tennessee. You protected me.”

“I’m sorry.”

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It was the first apology he had heard from Tennessee. He spoke gently.

“What about school? Who will take you to football practice every time? Do you think I’ll be sitting in the stands when you have games? It’s not that I won’t do it, it’s that I can’t. That’s neglect and abuse. You’ll have to keep waiting for me in an empty house. You’re not a pet. Being with me isn’t all there is to your life.”

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“Liar.”

“I’ll come visit when I return from Afghanistan. I mean it.”

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“Don’t bother.”

Tennessee pulled out a box. He held it out to the child sitting in the passenger seat, but the child stubbornly kept his lips sealed and wouldn’t take it.

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When he urged again by holding it out once more, the child took the box while sniffling. When he unwrapped the packaging paper, what appeared was the latest model smartphone. The child looked it over and said sarcastically,

“Tennessee, where did you learn this bad habit of giving material compensation after hurting someone?”

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“…I gave it to you so you can contact me.”

He got a long scolding for giving a gift. This was Tennessee’s first time experiencing such a thing.

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While there were practical reasons, he also remembered how the child had run around happily when he bought him new clothes at the mall last time.

“I’m leaving for Afghanistan soon. When I come back, let’s go to Disney World.”

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“That’s a place for kids.”

He isn’t easy indeed.

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“Then let’s go to Universal Studios.”

Universal Studios must have been different, as he didn’t say it was a place for kids.

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The reason Tennessee revealed his past was because he wanted to ease the child’s anxiety. A promise that because he owed him a debt, he would repay it over time. That promise became an anchor.

Perhaps understanding this intention, the child didn’t speak anymore. His reaction was mixed half with resignation and half with acceptance. The child took rough breaths, filled with all sorts of emotions.

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“…What’s your name?”

He wiped away the tears that were still welling up. But seeming more calm than before, he breathed out with trembling breaths.

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“Amber. It’s Amber. A fucking shitty name.”

It’s a girl’s name.

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“I see why you hid it.”

“You said you wouldn’t make fun of me.”

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“You’ll get a new name anyway when you’re adopted.”

“I hate fucking Amber. I hate all names that start with A.”

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Finally stopping his tears, the child requested.

“You give me a name, Tennessee. A manly one.”

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These days, people say there’s no such thing as something being manly or womanly, but Amber was just too much of a girl’s name.

Were his biological parents expecting a girl? While thinking such thoughts that would never be answered, Tennessee nodded.

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Amber. It was Amber.

“Ha…!”

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Tennessee let out a dejected sigh. Tennessee recalled that moment when he impulsively stole the car. His instinct was right, but it was a different kind of warning.

The 7-Eleven parking lot, the reason why he chose that particular car among all the many cars. It was an Amber Alert.

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“Don’t think I’m working for you, Caylen.”

Caylen sneered, saying she hadn’t even wanted that.

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“When will the pardon come through?”

For Tennessee, money was something he had in excess anyway. Tennessee was someone who didn’t buy anything unless necessary and had no particular taste in things. The astronomical compensation he had received until now was rotting away somewhere. Thus, instead of haggling over money, Tennessee obtained a pardon.

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The FBI didn’t know about many of the contract killings Tennessee had committed, and since there was no treason or espionage that would cause serious harm to the nation, it turned out to be possible to obtain it.

It got quite noisy.

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‘We need to know how many jobs you took before that.’

‘Are you telling me to confess everything I’ve done?’

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‘We obviously know you’re not a clean person. Just tell us.’

‘Tell me first how much the FBI knows.’

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‘…’

“The pardon? Soon, I guess? Maybe tomorrow?”

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“No.”

Caylen crossed her arms, looking at Tennessee who was being picky about dates despite receiving a pardon. He was busy preparing something as if he had an important schedule.

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“Give it to me three days later.”

It was quite an ominous statement.

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“Tennessee, you know that a pardon isn’t a license to kill, right?”

Tennessee didn’t answer, and Caylen became severely anxious. He frowned because of Caylen’s persistent questioning.

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“I’m not going to kill anyone.”

That would be too easy.

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“What’s wrong with taking care of fuckers who need to be taken care of? Since the FBI can’t clean up the trash, I’m doing it. They should pay me.”

Tennessee was half serious.

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“It’s a patriotic act. Let’s say those guys get imprisoned through legal procedures. Whose money do you think they’ll live on? Your and my taxes.”

“…You don’t even pay taxes.”

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Caylen muttered to Tennessee, who naturally hadn’t been paying taxes due to his illegal activities, but he didn’t even pretend to listen. And Tennessee left with a sniper rifle.

“Where are you going?!”

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When Caylen shouted from behind him, Tennessee answered.

“Oregon.”

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Oregon state. Where William Hurston lived.

***

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Afghanistan now wasn’t much different from the past. The jobs he received from the FBI weren’t particularly dirty, nor were they particularly clean.

Tennessee felt like he had half-transitioned from freelancer to contract worker. From his perspective, the fundamental nature of the work was the same.

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Caylen didn’t even wet her lips before packaging it as a security detail.

‘To be honest, there might be occasional times you must kill someone, but overall your job will be with security. While the principle of normal security is to block threats when they come, our goal is usually to eliminate the threat factors before they approach.’

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Coating it with sugar doesn’t make the poison disappear. But Caylen seemed to have pride as an FBI agent in this work. When Tennessee asked if he had received approval from the congress, her face crumpled up tight.

‘That’s classified information, but…’

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Then Caylen raised her voice in an exasperated tone.

‘Good grief, Tennessee. We’re not the CIA.’

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To Tennessee, it all looked the same.

***

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The child was adopted just before Tennessee left for Afghanistan. Considering the child was already old enough for middle school. This exceptional case happened thanks to Caylen’s help.

He got adopted into a middle-class family that already had two children, both of whom were also adopted.

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‘It’s a good family.’

Caylen said, and Tennessee threateningly replied, ‘It better be.’ He was planning to tear it all down immediately if it wasn’t.

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The child was planned to enter a private foundation’s junior high school after homeschooling for a year. It was a Catholic private school with a high college enrollment rate, structured so that after spending 7th and 8th grade at junior high, he would advance to the same foundation’s private high school from 9th to 12th grade.

The other two children in Amber’s adoptive family were already attending the foundation’s private elementary school. The adoptive mother was a doctor, and the adoptive father was an accountant, making them financially comfortable.

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Until his departure for Afghanistan, Tennessee occasionally contacted the child but didn’t visit. Partly because he was busy, but also out of concern that it might interfere with Amber’s adjustment.

Of course, Amber wasn’t happy about this at all. Whenever he called occasionally, waves of resentment would go towards him.

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‘Why did you buy me a phone if you won’t even give me your number and barely call?’

Tennessee knew he was speaking like that because he was hurt, but it was still difficult for him to call frequently.

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Amber still didn’t trust his new family, and instead of going out to eat dinner with the rest of the family, he stayed locked up in his room. Tennessee thought that if he approached him during this time, the shaken child would be unable to give more affection to his family.

Although he heard there were many conflicts, perhaps because they already had experience in adopting, Amber’s adoptive parents didn’t give up. To Tennessee, they seemed like warm-hearted and accepting people.

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They even refused Tennessee’s financial support. In the first place, if they had been a household that needed support, Tennessee would have opposed it.

The adoptive parents said with determination that if they weren’t ready to support a child, they wouldn’t have chosen to adopt him in the first place. That’s why Tennessee saved ten thousand dollars every month. He wanted to support his college tuition. If that was also rejected, it could always be given as pocket money.

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The adoptive parents understood the child’s attachment to Tennessee. It was a good home that embraced the kid with love even when his anxious heart had yet put down roots.

Even now in Afghanistan, Tennessee occasionally received photos. In most photos, Amber didn’t smile, having a poker face, but it was visible that he was gaining weight and his thin frame was growing taller. The doctor said Amber might grow up to 6 feet 8 inches (about 2 meters). Even Tennessee was just over 6 feet.

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Getting out of the car, Tennessee approached the front door. It was bigger than it looked in photos. It was a three-story house, located in a wealthy neighborhood with a low crime rate.

When he rang the doorbell, a child opened the door. Woof woof! After trying to calm down the loudly barking dogs, the child looked up. Annie Dexley. She was adopted first but was the youngest by age.

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Tennessee stood still, waiting for someone – Amber or Amber’s adoptive parents. Annie stared blankly at Tennessee while sucking her finger.

Should I greet her? As he was staring at the youngest child, Annie suddenly reached out her arms. With both arms raised high, it seemed like she wanted to be picked up. Tennessee stroked Annie’s curly hair.

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“Tennessee!”

With a thundering sound, someone came down the stairs. He could tell by the voice alone. It was Amber.

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When Tennessee picked up the running Amber, he truly felt how much his weight had changed.

He hadn’t noticed it well in photos, but whether it was muscle gained over just 3 months, his weight seemed to have doubled.

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“It’s been a while.”

While holding Amber with one hand, Tennessee extended his hand to the adoptive parents. They immediately hugged Tennessee along with the handshake. Though he didn’t like physical contact, he endured the unnecessary hug.

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“I’ve never seen him so happy before.”

Said David, Amber’s adoptive father.

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Tennessee occasionally had people check on Amber’s well-being. In the photos they sent, the child was either yelling, fighting with his parents, or staying in his room all the time.

Although he was fine, physically and mentally speaking, he hadn’t seen photos of him being purely happy. If Tennessee hadn’t received such photos, he might have mistaken this excited version of Amber as his usual self.

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“The child has been waiting a lot for you.”

“I know. Work caused some delay.”

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While he was talking, someone peeked his head out from behind. It was Cody, the second youngest sibling. Annie and Cody already knew that Amber was going to Florida. Disney World. It was children’s paradise, and Annie and Cody naturally wanted to join the trip.

Although Tennessee didn’t mind, the reason the other two children couldn’t join the trip was because of Amber. Amber had adamantly opposed it.

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For Tennessee, money wasn’t an issue, and he would have been satisfied as long as Annie and Cody were potty trained. But Amber gave various reasons to talk Tennessee out of it, and since Amber didn’t want it, there was no reason to bring the other children, so just the two of them ended up going to Disney World.

“Ry- I mean, Amber seems excited.”

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Though he had said his name was ‘fucking’ terrible, Amber eventually didn’t completely abandon that name. It was kept as a middle name. Taking the new family’s surname, the child’s name became Ryker Amber Dexley.

However, Tennessee thought Amber suited him better than Ryker. The child didn’t like Tennessee insisting on Amber, but didn’t particularly oppose it either. However, when introducing himself to others, he seemed to use Ryker.

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“Come inside, Tennessee.”

Elizabeth, the new mother, offered him a cup of coffee. Tennessee wanted to accept, but the child wasn’t one to feel guilty, saying things like ‘do you know how long I’ve waited for this day? You guys can talk later’ while he pulled Tennessee outside. In the end, with one sleeve grabbed, Tennessee had to say goodbye.

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“I thought Disney World was only for kids?”

The child deliberately avoided the topic. Though he had said that before, when it came time to leave, the child was visibly excited. The child had gone through several changes of heart while Tennessee was in Afghanistan. The kid had never been to Disney World before, however, it was also hard for him to give up Universal Studios, so they eventually decided to spend one day there during their trip in Florida.

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***

Disney World in Orlando, Florida, is the largest Disney theme park. It was just a short drive from the airport, and from the entrance, it captivated children’s minds.

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And it was packed with people.

Tennessee stared at what he was holding. It was a Minnie Mouse headband. The ears were so big he might get caught in doors.

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When the child pointed at something, he gave him money, and this is what he brought back. He just stared at it, and Amber insisted that Tennessee should wear it. Apparently, you absolutely had to wear one when you came to Disney World.

“Do you want to see me embarrass myself?”

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“Yes.”

Tennessee chuckled and put on the headband without any hesitation. The child wrinkled his nose. The Minnie Mouse headband unexpectedly suited Tennessee, who wore black jeans and a white t-shirt instead of his usual suit. It was different from his usually intimidating atmosphere. Perhaps it was because he had a faint smile and seemed somewhat relaxed.

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Tennessee, who already occasionally drew people’s attention, started attracting more women who gave him suggestive smiles while looking him up and down after he put on the headband. Women who appeared to be tourists gathered together, covering their mouths with one hand while pointing at Tennessee.

This wasn’t right. The child became sulky and tried to take the headband away from Tennessee. However, Tennessee was too tall a barrier for an 11 year boy. After trying to take it away, the child’s expression hardened when Tennessee caught him and made him wear the headband instead.

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I’m eleven and you’re making me wear this? The child had a dumbfounded expression but was once again captivated by Tennessee’s satisfied smile. Tennessee’s smile had something unforgettable about it, as rare as it was.

There really were a lot of kids. Tennessee tried to recall if he had ever been surrounded by so many children in his life. Lower elementary school children were everywhere, front and back, left and right.

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Some of these children were wearing Disney princess dresses or character costumes. The child seemed half right. Most were tourists and family groups.

Fortunately, the child bounced around the whole time. He would call out ‘Tennessee!’ loudly, urging him to hurry up.

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Tennessee willingly let himself be dragged along wherever the child led. The fuss wasn’t that unpleasant.

After spending plenty of time at Disney World, the next day they headed to Universal Studios. It wasn’t as far as expected.

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Although they had only spent half a day at Universal Studios, Tennessee and the child were half soaked.

They had ridden a boat ride over water, and more water had splashed than they had thought it would. Tennessee and Amber dried their hair and clothes with towels bought from a stand.

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Time flew by at an immeasurable pace. Amber shook his wet hair and burst into laughter.

He had never imagined he would come to a place like this. It wasn’t somewhere he had thought about even when he was younger. Though his ears hurt from the noise and he had a slight headache, time passed quickly.

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Though it seemed like they had arrived early in the morning, sunset was already approaching. Florida’s sky was clear. Amber leaned back on the bench and let out a satisfied sigh.

“Next time, let’s go somewhere you want to go, Tennessee.”

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The child said to Tennessee, who was sitting on the bench beside him drinking water.

Next time. Next time… Should I tell him now? Tennessee pondered. He had a schedule set. He wasn’t planning to return to America for at least two years. But seeing Amber with flushed cheeks looking so happy, Tennessee, so unlike him, postponed what he had to say.

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Tennessee stared at Amber. The child was shaking his half-wet bangs. Boyhood. On Amber’s face, now at the threshold between child and boy, there was a natural inverted triangle of flush. Whether it was from the heat or embarrassment, his ears were as red as if they were in the middle of winter. That bloom of color, like a flower in full bloom, made Amber look shy.

Although because of the sharp edges of his eyes and the boldly defined corners of his mouth, that shyness seemed to transform into a playful charm.

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He was unmistakably a boy. Tennessee sensed it. The last of Amber’s childhood that he could remember would be from three months ago, when Amber was eleven and a half years old.

Fingers spreading wide like wings reaching toward him. Just right for his age, boyish fingers – thin but with slightly blunt tips. That would be the end of the image Tennessee would remember last of when Amber was unhappy.

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“Tennessee?”

The child called with round eyes, having felt his gaze. Tennessee shook his head, saying it was nothing.

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***

The 3-night 4-day trip ended as quickly as dawn.

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Tennessee gently parked the car. It was late afternoon, past lunchtime. Though the three-story vintage house was right in front, instead of getting out, the child unwrapped something. It was fast food with an annoying girl’s face¹ drawn on the wrapper.

True to his growing age, Amber got hungry about every three hours. Even though he had lunch at the airport, he said he was hungry on the way home.

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Since there was time to spare, when Tennessee tried to enter any random restaurant nearby, the child firmly shook his head. He wanted to have fast food.

Elizabeth, being a doctor, never bought him fast food.

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Once or twice should be fine.

The child said that while pointing at the fast food restaurant.

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“If we go inside, she won’t let me eat it, so I have to eat it here.”

Amber offered Tennessee some of his chicken sandwich. Tennessee shook his head.

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And it seemed like only about ten minutes had passed, but the child had already finished two hamburgers, a chicken sandwich, two orders of fries, ten pieces of chicken nuggets, and two Mountain Dews. And this wasn’t even eaten hurriedly. Tennessee was reminded again of the child’s predicted height of 6 feet 8 inches.

Having eaten cleanly without a single crumb on his face, the child finally got out of the car. Tennessee got out with the child but stopped at the front door.

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The child was humming. From the backyard pool, the faint sounds of water and laughter could be heard, suggesting Amber’s siblings were playing there.

Tennessee watched the child with his hands in his pockets. The child who had been reaching for the doorbell turned around.

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“When will I see you again?”

Tennessee didn’t answer for quite a while. The child’s expression gradually disappeared. Even the humming that had been there was now gone.

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Please… The child, having caught the meaning of that silence, pleaded like that.

“Please. How long is it this time? 3 months? 6 months?”

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Tennessee spat out “2 years.”

2 years? 2 years? Amber couldn’t believe it and stared at Tennessee in bewilderment.

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The child started calculating step by step. Soon he would be 12 years old. He had done homeschooling for 3 months. In 9 months, he would be in 7th grade. By the time Tennessee comes back, he would be entering 8th grade.

It meant he would see Tennessee when he was about fourteen. 2 years was too long. It was an extremely long period. In 2 years, at fourteen, he would even be able to drive. That’s how far in the future it was.

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“Where are you going this time? Afghanistan?”

“Several places. Right now, Iran.”

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The child felt disillusioned with this uncontrollable reality. It’s always like this. Passively struggling to react to whatever happens. For the child, preparing for or dealing with reality was a luxury.

Two years… He couldn’t help but be angry. Until just now, literally 10 minutes ago, he had been so happy, but Tennessee took away that happiness without any mercy. The happiness that he himself had given. He was a cruel man.

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“What the…”

Amber sighed with a sob.

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“Then what about after 2 years? You won’t go anywhere then? But that’s not true, is it?”

Tennessee was cruel in his honesty. He wouldn’t say things he couldn’t follow through on.

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“Why are you going to Iran? Are you still doing that work? That… that work?”

“No. I’m working with the FBI now.”

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Amber’s expression became troubled.

“Then Tennessee isn’t that kind of person, right? A rat?”

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“…Where did you learn that?”

“From Megan.”

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“Don’t talk with her.”

While showing his indignation, Amber nodded.

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The child buried his face in one hand. Still, Amber had changed a lot during these 3 months. Partly because he had become immune from the first farewell, but the child could handle this one better than last time.

It was a small comfort knowing that Tennessee owed him something, that he couldn’t easily cut ties with him.

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“I’ll call.”

“You hardly ever called even after buying me a phone.”

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“…I will.”

“…Really. You must.”

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2 years… for 2 years…

“Watch some Netflix.”

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“Okay.”

“Don’t drink too much Mountain Dew.”

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“Elizabeth and David don’t even buy it for me.”

“You have the hundred dollars I gave you.”

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“That’s been gone for ages.”

Then Tennessee took out some cash. It was three hundred dollars. The child couldn’t believe it. When the child didn’t take it, Tennessee misinterpreted this and took out another three hundred dollars to give.

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“You still haven’t fixed that bad habit?”

When he left him for 3 months, he bought him a phone, and now that it’s 2 years he gives cash. Although he knew that wasn’t the meaning behind it, it kept irritating him.

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Tennessee needed to learn ways to make amends other than material compensation. Is it because he has money that he keeps trying to resolve things financially? Even Elizabeth and David didn’t go this far when they were wealthy.

“Tennessee, please smoke less too.”

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Amber was sincere. As Tennessee was about to take out a cigarette, this sharp comment made him chuckle.

“You know what? They say marijuana is actually less harmful to the body than cigarettes.”

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Is this what he’s learning while homeschooled? While lighting up, Tennessee squinted one eye.

“And marijuana is actually less addictive too.”

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“No.”

Remembering Tennessee’s aversion to drugs, the child nodded.

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“But you know what?”

“What now?”

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“Alcohol is also a drug. The difference between them is that one is legal and the other one illegal, but alcohol falls under drugs too.”

“I know.”

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“Then you shouldn’t drink either.”

Amber was thinking of Tennessee who occasionally drank beer.

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“…I will take care of myself.. Go inside.”

The child tapped the ground with his sneakers. Someone seemed to be coming out of the house, probably having seen Tennessee’s car. There wasn’t much time left. No, there was never enough time when being with Tennessee.

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“Goodbye, Tennessee.”

“Goodbye, Amber.”

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It was just temporary, but it was a farewell. More so for Amber. There was no way to contact him, no way to convey these complicated feelings to him.

“Ah, Tennessee, do you remember? You promised to tell me something.”

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Amber raised his voice at Tennessee’s back, as he had turned around without any apparent regret or lingering attachment.

‘When I return, I’ll answer one question you ask.’

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Tennessee, remembering his own words, nodded.

“…What’s your name?”

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Not Tennessee, but the name his birth parents gave him.

“Leandre Blake Johns.”

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For something Tennessee had kept hidden for so long, he answered far too easily. Amber’s expression showed a subtle reaction. It’s a more normal name than I expected.

“I’m leaving.”

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Take care. The child murmured like that. By now, Tennessee’s back view was familiar. He had adapted, even if he didn’t want to.

***

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Since the FBI was fundamentally a federal investigation agency, they weren’t free from jurisdiction issues when operating in other countries. However, by hiring individuals like Tennessee, they could make excuses for operating outside the jurisdiction.

Because he wasn’t an official FBI member, Tennessee didn’t expect the FBI to protect him at all. He was a disposable tail that could be cut off at any time, but he accepted even while knowing this.

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Now it might be time to make plans for what comes next, Tennessee thought.

“What are you doing?”

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Caylen asked while picking up a bra that had fallen under the bed. She roughly fastened the hooks and then picked up and put on a t-shirt that had fallen to the floor.

“Ah, this was yours.”

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She had put it on because the color was similar, but it turned out to be Tennessee’s. Wearing Tennessee’s clothes, with his significant size difference, made her shoulders look dramatically dropped. Caylen, belatedly finding her own clothes, threw off Tennessee’s top.

Tennessee didn’t respond. Caylen peeked curiously at Tennessee. He was looking at something on his laptop. An email. More specifically, Tennessee was looking at photos of the child attached to the email.

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It was the contact information he had given to Amber’s adoptive parents, telling them to keep in touch occasionally. He hadn’t even given the email address to the child, worried that it might interfere with his adjustment to the new family.

David and Elizabeth were people full of affection and love, and they seemed to believe that Tennessee would be the same as they were.

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They sent photos of their family’s happy moments almost every 2-3 weeks. It was always the same whether Tennessee replied or not.

In the photos, Amber’s height gradually increased, his jawline became more defined as if chiseled, and his neck and shoulders grew thicker.

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The photos, which at first only showed the child’s expressionless face, slowly began to capture Amber’s natural smiles. With more time, Amber would be able to smile brightly without reservation, like he had during his trip to Florida. The photos showed such positive signs everywhere.

“You know what’s weird?”

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Caylen continued while putting on her shorts.

“Looking at photos of a kid right after having a great time with your sex partner.”

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Tennessee’s eyes showed both irritation and disbelief at once. He clearly didn’t like the nuance. As Tennessee frowned and was about to snap something back, Caylen discovered the child’s photo and burst out in admiration.

“He has grown a lot.”

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Then, poking her head out from behind Tennessee, she added.

“He must be quite popular. How old did you say he was?”

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“He’s in 8th grade. About to enter high school.”

“And he’s that tall?”

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While Amber’s adoptive parents said Amber’s height was growing day by day, Tennessee hadn’t really felt it. Partly because most of the photos of Amber he had sent were solo shots, and partly because he couldn’t guess his height just from looking at photos.

However, seeing a recent photo taken with his adoptive father David made Amber’s height feel real. Tennessee momentarily even doubted the authenticity of the photo.

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“You’ll see him soon.”

Tennessee nodded.

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“Since it’s in a month, you can finally get some rest in the meantime. Where did you say you’d be during that time?”

“Just here and there.”

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“Meet me when you have time.”

Caylen, who had a principle of not separating her political ambitions and goals from her love life, was a decent sex partner. She was honest and active in bed, and even refreshingly straightforward.

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Tennessee’s attitude wasn’t much different, so they had maintained a long-term, clean, and non-emotional relationship. They had been together in Tehran, Kandahar, Baghdad, Islamabad, and Kuala Lumpur.

“I plan to stay in Chicago for about a week. Come then.”

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“Good.”

Closing the laptop, Tennessee thought about meeting Amber in a few weeks. How different would the child be in person? In the photo, Amber had a faint smile and gentle eyes.

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Although his face had changed a lot, looking at the photos immediately brought back memories of how he looked when younger. But once he turned away, he couldn’t quite picture the child’s smiling face. Every time he looked at the photos, he would be surprised, thinking ‘ah, this is how his face is’.

“Do you keep in touch often?”

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He wasn’t sure if it could be called keeping in touch. Rather than both sides having a conversation, it was closer to Tennessee unilaterally watching over Amber.

Tennessee still had people report to him about Amber. Things like whether there were signs of abuse, if he was being bullied at school, if there were any health issues. The last report he received was a few weeks ago.

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How is Amber doing?

Even though he knew, he would suddenly become curious.

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***

At that time, Amber was holed up in his room. Taking off his school uniform tie and sitting on the bed, he rubbed his forehead. Amber believed his life was going smoothly. Or at least it was on the surface.

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He had most dinners with the family at the table, no problems at school, and good grades. But Amber had corners that couldn’t be filled with a ‘normal life’.

Amber looked at his phone. There was no contact from Tennessee today either. Well, he was always stingy with the times he contacted him. Looking back, while Tennessee was always basically kind and allowed many things, he never approached first.

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He was cold and indifferent. If I collected all the tears I’ve shed because of you, it would make a pond deep enough to sink up to my ankles.

Amber was angry at himself for being unable to stop thinking about Tennessee. Tennessee was always in Amber’s daily life. During classes, spending time with family, or exercising, part of Amber’s consciousness was invariably by Tennessee’s side, and lately, it had gotten worse.

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A week, no, was it two weeks ago? Amber had a dream. A dream with Tennessee in it. Because he treated him so tenderly that it brought tears to his eyes, Amber realized it was a dream.

Tennessee was kissing a woman. Seeing his oblique jawline and sensual movements, Amber stood there not knowing what to do. As their lips met, Tennessee lifted his head. Their eyes met as Tennessee touched the soft body of the woman. It felt like falling into those blue pupils.

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‘Come here, Amber.’

He said in the dream, and he walked mindlessly toward him, losing his will.

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‘Good boy.’

It was a sweet compliment. Amber had to bite their lower lip to keep from tearing up. It was the tone Tennessee had used only once before. That time, when Amber had woken up, feverish and dazed, Tennessee had cradled him in his arms and given him medicine.

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‘Didn’t you miss me?’

Tennessee’s voice was extremely soft, unlike usual. It was as if a layer of coldness that he always wrapped tightly around himself had been peeled away.

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‘I missed… I missed you.’

‘I know.’

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That’s a lie, isn’t it? Then why didn’t you contact me? Why didn’t you ever look for me? Did you think about me? Am I even important to you?

Even in the dream, Amber was plagued with questions. While debating whether to coldly pour out these questions to Tennessee or suppress the impulse, a bit of emotion leaked out.

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‘What about you?’

‘Me too.’

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Just those words.

When he opened his eyes to a loud sound, Amber realized that sound was none other than his own heartbeat. Rising up, Amber buried his heated face in his palms.

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He rubbed his face several times. His heart rate soared, yet Amber wasn’t surprised at all. It felt like something that was bound to happen.

There wasn’t a moment when he didn’t think about Tennessee. Even now, he remembered when Tennessee had barged in while he was showering. It must have been not long after meeting Tennessee. Amber had been wary of him, yet oddly excited by his presence.

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The words and actions Tennessee had made in front of his frightened self were remembered as clearly as if written somewhere. Like the cigarette being extinguished in the toilet water.

Looking back now, it seems he had thrown away the cigarette out of consideration for him. After that, Tennessee rarely smoked in front of him. Often he would just hold it in his mouth. He was only gentle at times like that.

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He still occasionally dreamed of him after that, imagining Tennessee embracing his frightened self. A useless fantasy where he stroked his head and tenderly cherished him, saying it was okay, not caring that his suit was getting all wet.

Reality and his wish mixed together. Tennessee’s faint body scent mixing with the smell of wind. The hot presence of him hugging him tightly, saying sorry for being late.

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When thinking about such a Tennessee, he always ended up asking this question.

Will there ever come a day when he treasures me? Like in this dream?

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