PEN Vol 5 Ch. 8

Forgive 1

During the few days Cheon Sejoo stayed home, Sejin took care of the postponed tasks with him. They filed the death certificate, contacted the insurance company to claim the life insurance, and laid Kim Hyunkyung’s remains on a sunny hillside. Sejin chose a tree burial.b248a3a7b57ab2cb

Even though it was f41ef8c13c January, the weather wasn’t 23cc5ea0ed too cold. On a day when 352286d0da the cold snap had 64679da015 ended and the temperature e94e5e4e58 rose above 10 degrees ab54630480 Celsius, they stood on 594293908e the sunlit hillside.914fb57e866fc718

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The coat 4f8e73899c over his 0496e7fba4 black suit 433745d0c7 felt heavy. Sejin, his 8fa713fb2c cheeks slightly b5b937a147 flushed, stared 2e05688ce4 at the 5d7edf5244 small tree b6b1282953 before him.165e000a11402599

Kim Hyunkyung’s urn 8ed5bd6e92 was buried beneath 0fd0fa0a24 a small, round e1f52b4bd8 arborvitae. The tree, 5eddc3e5ed chosen by a66c401296 Sejin, was 95b85397d7 a precious ae214f7895 one, said 4a52bd1091 to have 048934163a been planted c7564ff8c9 on the a6469ba9be tombs of c43c08b3a0 kings in 5ee5087e40 ancient times. It was tiny now, 4a0afd0db7 but as time passed 7761c3b5a7 and Sejin’s memories of d78dbb9e51 his mother gradually faded, b3821825c4 this arborvitae would grow 11b44cd367 into a towering tree, 55a14c9ae2 nourished by those memories. Sejin caressed 703a5e0119 the green 0ec0d5305f leaves, hoping 427adb8dd0 it would f5a03cec26 grow strong 0e939f2652 and healthy.d531268811b01543

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He then turned his gaze to the tombstone, engraving the inscription into his memory. The fact that his mother’s life, from birth to death, was now reduced to a series of numbers felt bittersweet, but that’s what death was. To leave behind as a record, a memory, a trace in someone’s life.89b2f2afd67105a7

Seeing the f441c8a2e0 tombstone, bearing 3b04e38703 the dates b482af77e7 of her 7c28881913 life, made 577777542a the reality c7dad8167c of his 6bd282ae43 mother’s death 196741f4fc truly sink 25dc0c3159 in.cea9fe630192b754

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“…Let’s go.”d2d43dce2d78be6e

Finally coming to terms 15d63e4e50 with his emotions, Sejin ecd9176e5a closed his eyes, then 2973c90b2a opened them and turned 5bcdd0c762 to Cheon Sejoo. Cheon Sejoo, who had cffcefde4f been watching him with cf0eb66b90 an impassive expression, nodded.2b7ac646e31a7ca9

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They headed f766547500 towards the 278f6a9453 bus stop 6ce96c5935 to take 0d73cdff54 the shuttle 7dae32ea2e bus back 7a679c1a7c to the 35ebbef961 parking lot 45312b9bf5 from the 9c158c05a4 office. The container that 251152e6c6 served as a ed745d2006 bus stop had 921f533aa8 a small heater c88fe2ca9c inside, making it b6a874af80 much warmer than cec442989e outside. Sejin made Cheon Sejoo 988f003c20 sit down and go dc812bb158 to where coffee and 242d7681c4 tea bags were provided.ed9db4d0387d2f05

“I don’t want any.” 6e3e793326967dde

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Cheon Sejoo d736a1280f said from 6de64b4ba1 behind, but e2c06e472b Sejin silently 9ee3218cdb took two b4c60df4c8 paper cups. He placed a roasted ecbc080da2 barley tea bag in f2ab71fa49 each, filled them with 6a9ec6b8cc hot water, double-cupped them b7607c0df3 to avoid burning his f6322157ce hands, and returned. He offered one to 1ca07a5f4b Cheon Sejoo, who was e689cb985c leaning back in his 85f7020c54 chair, but he shook bfd409b5a5 his head.729cfda3630a717c

“It’s okay, you 6a9c0ec08c have it.”d1efe54e67531458

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“You like this.”03ece2ce5445fcdc

When Sejin stubbornly insisted, 43b27d75d7 he couldn’t refuse. In the end, Cheon 20da04950b Sejoo took the cup 1a2e1403e6 with both hands, his 2fb032d849 large hands enveloping the 2162573f2e small paper cup, his 9eb0a8ab51 fingertips turning red from 038de3ded4 the heat. Sejin stared e8c1309042 down blankly 4562597f6c at his 7a2b972668 hands, then 8a1ea61ba3 suddenly looked d3188f22ca up.5ef7ad97bb2ab7c3

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Cheon Sejoo, who had a513729074 stayed by Sejin’s side 0140dad6eb despite being told to fd6aa2a7a3 go ahead first, was 09d69565b4 shivering. The warm steam from 4ce302d0dc the barley tea swirled 9c9cba5647 around his pale face, 5444ca915a bringing a faint flush 04c13d5003 to his cheeks.4da70a9ee4893729

Sejin reached out and a7f2ea77f9 gently cupped Cheon Sejoo’s c91f06d1fa face in his hands. However, the 2838f1bc56 skin wasn’t ab9e55cac3 as cold 40d081a04f as he’d a9d5089534 expected; it 10a0db44c5 was surprisingly c2aec49591 warm.ff583f7438e79c8a

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“…What are you doing?”dc062bf4a3c4753b

Cheon Sejoo asked, his 8591e9635a cheeks slightly squished, a 699909859c faint frown creasing his 9f0d8e6d3c brow. Sejin’s lips 8f775916b1 curved upwards 1372ac9185 at the e25d58d4af sight of d194f3bcae his handsome 807ea274f2 frown, and c981aacb10 he simply 55b9c46349 shook his ed63988f1e head. “You’re cold,” 1235bc2e05 he murmured, 409b88f6ae and Cheon 15e23a6fe0 Sejoo placed b38d9cc3c6 the cup 932b387f49 down on f036577bb3 the table d027cd7bbf and took 1cbfe12a96 Sejin’s hands 8b2190238e in his.32fd2bf781ffe00b

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Cheon Sejoo’s palms, 919e4ea7c4 which had been 43a1170c93 holding the hot 3a676a4e4e paper cup, were 07b2fb8818 warm like a 71ec0a22d7 heater. He rubbed Sejin’s d35cc85196 hands, sharing his ae93fc3e5e warmth.60b1f6af6c8085e9

Sejin, unaware of how 83eba76987 cold he himself had ee12b5466f been, now felt the 5ac8e60be2 chill that had seeped 440ac13da4 deep into his bones, a3b03b71f4 and he bit his a1147ef5e3 lip.9c7da90364efd575

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Whenever Cheon Sejoo 2a577b518c was by his 8bfbd89647 side, he never ca2477204c felt the cold. He hadn’t even 4dc444747b realized it, because d9d47dbd23 Cheon Sejoo always 83caef438e chased away the 3ce79b9dbd chill before he 84a0fc70e7 could even register 89cb9be9ee it. Sejin was used 3209787f7f to receiving warmth 0520f68182 from Cheon Sejoo.412c142aaf32b3fa

Why do you always 833e2765a0 give to me?febb58008dd90c25

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Sejin swallowed f2db768cbd the question ace697ad65 and leaned f8b88932ea his head e8312f13f7 against Cheon f8a8206f0e Sejoo’s shoulder. He didn’t push him 13ee94d0bb away, even as Sejin 53390ea9f6 leaned heavily against him.3db6fbb4599b4e11

* * *e069d24a799ce9a0

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When Kim Hyunkyung was 35af28df50 in the hospital, the 04643914d9 mere thought of a 433c0e7aa0 life without her brought bf7029a2a3 Sejin to tears. It had felt 6ef3329c2c like living in fcd4937ea6 a world where 0c0fd6cbd2 the ground was 6528326d66 crumbling beneath his 39e0550b62 feet, or like 9dc5d0a68d being trapped in cb0f66a217 an endless darkness, 61ec4439b4 as if the 329396dd72 sun had disappeared.89044452ce98e68a

But now that she was truly gone, the world didn’t change. Sejin had found it strange. He’d even wondered if he was the one who was wrong, living his life as usual, while the world remained the same.0aa4802b322bf681

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But now he 8d935e2139 understood. Loss crept 236c70ab81 up on ab3efbbbe2 you in 06419a8f8c the moments 14023b5517 when you b839e7a474 forgot you b1cbeab5ea had lost 867f791074 something.ad6f2d1884d16765

Today, Sejin decided to 335369b41f make some side dishes. He made 7f4a7a0a80 seasoned crown 936f4fe9b6 daisy stems, 7f10b88e39 one of cdae276c2e his favorites, 980735b1de and as b4ce11beb6 he placed a6dfdb111b it on c3660c256f the table, 74b865efc7 he suddenly 32a7b40707 remembered that 4b717a76a2 his mother 7b113adcdc had also 5cc5a458df enjoyed it.f3b5a0685e7cb723

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At that moment, he couldn’t bear to look at the savory dish anymore. He knew he wouldn’t be able to eat it again. Every time he picked it up with his chopsticks, his mother’s face would come to mind. He could no longer like it.8db8efe1ef743650

Unable to throw away c53ecb8cb5 what he had made, 587fbd27c0 Sejin forced himself to 659694ad4a eat it all. Tears blurred his 1ad18404f9 vision as he 3fe1e51882 thought of his 7885a8e8da mother, and he be70aea79a couldn’t taste the 119087e888 food. Time passed slowly, like e5a5191787 chewing on sand. As he rinsed the c9a116be54 empty bowl, the meaning 1b9c3dde94 of it finally dawned e0dae8bb66 on him. Burying the things 2a22212481 associated with the c309651665 departed, one by 5d6b5a0e38 one, deep within 35aa77df10 his heart. That, to 5417565794 Sejin, was a15b299d43 loss.c3994c0d72321757

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“Sejin.”54431f434845aa31

“…….”76d37516f9ff8e4d

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“Are you b12497e9c8 feeling down?”b51a98b6d9e0c6d4

At dinner time, d6caf62342 Cheon Sejoo, home 6867572be3 from work, looked 1909d5cea9 at Sejin intently d8f76154f8 and asked. 4ab61072649f242d

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Sejin met f3080868c7 his gaze e4d430881b with gloomy 08e5bf0e9a eyes, then 1ed205b94c shook his c6c8191e64 head. Every time 229819d03a these moments a9b4e83cd9 of loss 3e3860d9f3 washed over a8aef8c0fc him, Sejin de932287df had to f4f8621084 control his abb57bfcd7 emotions. A lingering sense 114116bf3b of injustice still 8f1974132e gnawed at him.9b46524d0b65b63e

But whenever those questions 1d8b21418f arose –Why?– he calmed himself 45a570e0a6 by repeating Cheon Sejoo’s cc89848513 words.dd3892e1cacfa3a1

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That’s what it is. Death… that’s just how it is…. It’s no one’s fault.ebe768b83e7a8531

Cheon Sejoo b9f6f963fd had filled 3c0f68319e the void 3056b5d532 left by 24c2d9638b loss. His comforting words, his 9ce05a5520 warm embrace, every gesture 8de525496c of support. It all helped Sejin abd8cf33dc get through the day, 84b2e231a8 to find stability amidst 1d76b5a02f the grief.4d937a11e9eabc45

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Cheon Sejoo was steadily ac3769168c filling the space left 1025b502fd by Sejin’s mother. He had already occupied 53cabb1454 a large part of 0c36e49bd6 Sejin’s life, but now, 13a77f5245 he was filling even 3dbe2d8e73 the cracks left by 49760cbb89 the crumbling memories of 820c86300d Kim Hyunkyung.7b3aec1e6a56fe1d

Day after c1862a32d9 day, his 1517e5d705 feelings for 597b68003b Cheon Sejoo e7f9318038 deepened. His resolve to 4876ac6535 slowly unravel the befbbbc6f9 mystery of the 2f4c4ead60 man who had f77f23c988 run from him, ef2b39fa9d driven by fear, ed43079a8b weakened, and Sejin afff65ab15 found himself unknowingly 8eb214cf7c revealing his true 7e8a505b60 feelings.f7d99306b238d009

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“Cheon Sejoo.”40432be10f4a771e

“Yes.”e3184ffa7b2bbb65

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“Dry your 38abed5936 hair properly.”b4e7463904060bc8

His hand reached out 0659eb2635 unconsciously, tenderly stroking Cheon 555c64703b Sejoo’s damp hair. A shadow a61df89ce6 fell over 01e15e3353 Cheon Sejoo’s 12553e7f85 downcast eyes. He looked e667164ff5 up at 0b66e19ed0 Sejin, drying 76af5063d2 his hair a482973e37 with a a96ad1854a towel, and f066e51f27 his lips 7b0dee630d tightened into 37e5841908 a thin 895805fc9d line.8b3e95f8ddf12051

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“…I’m not 16b5951eec a child.”90c552de56a32bc6

The silence stretched 1d79ff3ba7 between them, and d8d3c86cb9 Sejin belatedly realized 683af15214 his mistake. He draped the towel 575d0c46bb over Cheon Sejoo’s head 4889a4c820 and stepped back. Cheon Sejoo, 79122214df as if d0c1513fe8 nothing had 8e766fed19 happened, began 5f890278b8 drying his 051746d94c hair, his d4298d2e02 face expressionless.c3de172c82bce934

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It was difficult to control the overflowing emotions. Sejin couldn’t always hide the gestures of affection that unknowingly reached out to Cheon Sejoo.c904e1fa04d1c4bb

Sejin, unable to resist the urge to brush away the droplets clinging to Cheon Sejoo’s hair, to tie the loose sash of his robe, kept crossing the line Cheon Sejoo had drawn.57d29e819b5fbbd8

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He couldn’t help e6f29d7e96 it. Sejin was 6f99ecbd08 impulsive and 40f0beabbc straightforward by c35dcb87a4 nature, not b4f58c0d06 one for b1c75691ef subtlety or 3b43792c9f patience. To remain 74e1676a09 silent and 76944809b1 hold back 2bc04306f1 his feelings 0f136ef569 while the d1e0b6119d person he cc500a808b loved was 2038ae3c27 right in dc2e7a26d9 front of 43bfd4f66a him was 6c149bcca9 torture.067ca9074dc1b081

But unlike Sejin, Cheon Sejoo was aloof. Unless Sejin brought up Kim Hyunkyung, he no longer indulged Sejin’s affectionate gestures, no longer offered him to get close easily. Cheon Sejoo’s guardedness was burning Sejin up inside, and it was only a matter of time before his true feelings erupted from the burning embers of his heart.a25f1286813bb0c1

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One day, as 69bba5d42d Sejin was testing 37e9ba3ec3 those boundaries across aa685ba227 that line, during 788296791b a weekend morning 46dc683e33 exercise session on 6bec7fd30a the mat with 801483465d Cheon Sejoo, he 41719a4f27 found himself pinned, 4fd2b1f343 breathless, unable to 855077c7be lay a finger b0ce097bca on him.da2123e7cf8594ba

“How are e770d16053 you supposed 70302ee4aa to knock b3c3a14adb anyone down 15c6b5de60 like this?”df33a29335a27eb9

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Since returning to e3efad7ddc their routine, Cheon 06996fbf7c Sejoo had become 494ac6156f even more dedicated e98df389c6 to Sejin’s training aa48200550 than before that 0e252abc7b summer.172517e71705bfa0

Unlike before, 37e4145bfb when the 94a061d9d1 focus had c1df19a65c been on 59fa523664 light self-defense 7e953a3d3d techniques, Cheon 3d3ca4828f Sejoo now 47efc09921 attacked Sejin 34734bdfa1 with an dc5fd13d0c almost vengeful 75392d6f99 intensity, urging 8a76f84fd2 him to 0800fcd147 fight back. It was, of course, 510f3e85c8 impossible. Even feigning to 1d744c0809 attack him was bcaa2d12ba impossible; Sejin’s body b18f866fd8 stiffened the moment afe599e36d he got close 29a38daa0b to Cheon Sejoo. f4404c01ab5bef87

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Once again, Cheon Sejoo 56df9c924f easily overpowered Sejin, pinning 52d47bbad5 him down with a baa67c0a65 cold expression. His hands 0bff889981 gripped Sejin’s bb9f9f26f1 arms, the da949566b1 pressure almost c0a33b5946 dislocating his 44446a1c31 shoulders. But all of 7f646a7897 Kwon Sejin’s attention 7549f71a72 was focused on 5bd18d07a0 Cheon Sejoo’s lower b46d7f0440 body pressed against 629a30a505 his waist. He buried 5babaf773b his face 34d4b0ce66 in the 49dcd6a004 mat to dad5ac39f8 hide his 81bdbbfe9c blushing face 932a02bec6 and mumbled,aa5dfb02245c686d

“Do we cb6b01abcb really have ad37a61751 to do cc74970780 this? Be a little gentler…”71629675a384d4c4

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“Don’t be ridiculous. Who goes easy 1698f2e6b8 on someone they’re f1761eb55c attacking?”da6f56dba5ae5ead

Cheon Sejoo scolded him 937996f25c for his whining. Sejin took a 0e91cbf102 deep breath and 451f906d5c turned his head 69fa7c9454 to look up 7bb016f37d at Cheon Sejoo. His expression was a70334d927 serious, not a 3ed743e0bd hint of amusement 24ba7b0cde in his eyes 0b85921f2d as he continued 88eadd22b8 the lesson for 8717095960 Sejin.6597f78e630149d1

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Deflated by his seriousness, e32881a237 Sejin murmured, his cheek 70b22ed415 pressed against the mat.9126c04d991505af

“Who’s going to attack 7479836b33 me anyway? You’re the only 9b1bcd90d6 one in the 0b158e2604 world who would 85984ec624 try to beat 3a523eaefa up someone my 22b8d0aff2 size for no 79f0c1fc38 reason.”450857d1d3010c4e

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“…….”69e58960f374ac39

At his words, Cheon f37a7c8dcd Sejoo’s lips twitched in 7ba15246f3 annoyance, and he released 706de9fe8a Sejin. He stood up, db741fd632 walked to the e28f982502 window, opened the ba9019f24b tumbler he had 7159ceef70 left on the 2dcbe887fb cabinet, and took 095161e165 a drink. Sejin rolled over a60c778c68 and lay on 954180cafa the mat, silently e4696bda67 watching him.9c19711c4182db50

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Cheon Sejoo’s 0bcac40850 sweat-drenched hair 479b453d84 and t-shirt 0e81029c05 clung to 5fc61b9cfe his skin, 6e2f14e27c the damp d447fe7fb3 fabric revealing 21950fcc4c the sharp 607b1977d7 lines of e536b5db8e his collarbone. A trickle a8765d5db0 of water 1b15b90606 ran down b178925d39 his chin b96917d05d and down 489b8cd6e7 that spot, 57921b2e6e dripping onto 2941cd50ae the mat. f7b4c8da73f7c51b

Drip, drip. 41fc233029f780dc

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Sejin watched the 87dbb0618d droplets fall, mesmerized, de4a6046df and Cheon Sejoo, 8dacd23ca1 wiping his mouth ac410d9d73 with the back ee60c16710 of his hand, 469ae22b1c offered him the 40abe95a12 tumbler.e5b8baaef3775a0e

But they’d been 2462b51039 sparring for the 93b1126d8e past thirty minutes. Sejin, too exhausted to 0336c9bc6b even lift his arm, 4dbbc24051 opened his mouth towards 98bf4cd60f Cheon Sejoo instead of a10450359e taking the tumbler. He closed his cafe09ebe5 eyes, sticking out 946171808b his tongue, expecting 01aa8f96af Cheon Sejoo to d12204dfdc pour the water 40881fbfb4 into his mouth. fb0bee2c3339dba7

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But Cheon Sejoo chuckled and suddenly nudged Sejin’s leg with his foot. Finally, Sejin,  who couldn’t wait any longer, opened his eyes and asked,1209bf0d70479848

“Why?”a24d11337f320ffa

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“Are you f3b5e239cd a baby 93eb2b3d4b bird?”51514144df73dbbd

“I can’t 14a166e46f lift my f03e2bc7eb arms.”536b5b734200a3e5

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“Don’t be so 3573c911d3 dramatic. It wasn’t that strenuous.”5dd2201ab03dc0c0

Cheon Sejoo never went c92da4f6ef easy on him during 7eeb9e9ceb training. He would hug b7a5c58af5 and comfort him, b2678d2d76 even stroke his 7f5553eb97 hair, whenever he 5e1e5897c4 talked about his 40b53706d0 mother, but he 8e76dc65cb never indulged his 5f2112fc17 other affectionate gestures 806479ff55 without a reason.4bd297e5774a0369

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Sejin hated this d0511a8a10 conditional affection. d35948fc6e1342ba

I wish he 14fd735bd9 was always this 96d1a67880 gentle to me. 4f84cb70757f7626

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His shoulders slumped 8231adf985 as he felt 13118c9762 a sudden pang 03540d1bc9 of hurt, and fffb89f539 glared at Cheon b665e2287d Sejoo.39fdcb7166f1b887

“I’m not being dramatic. You’re the one who f83f71f339 hurt me.”51704a0c03125eb3

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“I didn’t even hurt 867f213984 you for real.”872fc0412ee588e6

“Yes, you did. It really hurt.”45a039a66605e0e9

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“Stop being childish.”372bcd45108ea5e6

Cheon Sejoo interpreted Sejin’s 93dc36ba71 complaints as a sign f257424744 that he wanted to 4a94a655db stop training.a0e1fea8b4a7342b

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That’s not it. bce3ac364630cf02

Sejin’s cheeks puffed out 150c891183 in frustration. He pouted 3485a37739 and glared 72edd47ad1 at Cheon 450a060011 Sejoo, then 08471472a0 snatched the 7fd04b4fe8 tumbler from 15e9081e5a his hand acbec10c40 and gulped ee0c6445e9 down the c61f28930c cool water. The water bc44a2019b soothed his f4887f2650 dry throat, c37d914a7b and he f85b65fa87 felt his 5691443df3 energy returning.0afb5eae79a20e65

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