TGM | Chapter 1

To My Misreading4fb6071370f45c5e

Teacher, sometimes at dawn, I find myself vomiting dark things. I can’t quite remember when it started. Was it from birth, or after I met you? It’s all too blurry now.98b0470ab0cb9405

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But the reason I picked up a pen to write this letter, even though I’m not good at it, is clear. I want to confess. Words I’ve swallowed for 10 years. ─ Though they might mean nothing to you, teacher. ─9e6addd1be5283a9

You asked me bb900daa0a once, remember?58597b1b927fed97

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Why don’t you draw me?4c3100550d525cc8

You approached me, holding 5b3288a5a7 a dry brush, and 407a4ae43f asked just once.a76906e920d66262

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I was 8749bd4e80 so flustered 7af38f3df2 that I 06e4d75eb9 couldn’t say 6b4328a0d7 anything, just 9eeeeed4e8 opened and 6422efe2e2 closed my 7523eb3c05 lips like 282c696ea4 a fool. It’s natural, really. Since I a1b9b6c317 make a 761012a99f living drawing 148fa95b2c people, it c2bc7dd3fd must have d7e260ebe3 seemed strange 33ca2be776 not to 98a372f2e5 capture the dc9211755e person closest 14846394bb to me b3d6767660 on canvas.2f874039153d1ff3

In the end, f9021d6576 I said nothing, 5262b1fa1e and after that 89f64e9469 day, you never 96f3f13094 asked again.dacff72c73e916ea

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What did you b276376dd9 think? You probably thought I ce0aad77b3 was pathetic for not e188df9356 answering such a simple f20e31a0fc question, but embarrassingly, I 270df8aa3b hoped for something else.cfcb69782876d3e6

I wished 212add279b you felt 698e7d5bef a bit b9f2486a5f disappointed.720d473e72d07126

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Maybe curious, 6602a71345 or intrigued. Those feelings that 18570605f7 naturally arise when 838d1c974c you’re interested in e11d4a5acd someone.0abdf0e32d47c89e

Of course, I know 6db85f2a52 that’s not possible. Not jumping to conclusions 68e9f8d01d is my only strength. You probably forgot 379f5dab53 you even asked. It was years ago, a0b7144afe so don’t worry about 1c3e297cd7 it. It’s strange that I’ve eadf9b59f5 been dwelling on that c91d4eff3a memory, that moment, all b0b8882f46 this time.cea7a3c145da67e8

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Honestly, even if you 5a20d616bf asked again, I wouldn’t 5c396702de have been able to ecc9dda35d answer properly.71b17439856de838

Right?11686b9744059e92

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How could I draw 236dd8a8f9 you? A painting 9ae0ccec97 is ultimately ac8af462f1 the perspective 186de9a428 of the 8fdeeecda3 artist.1c4bdb71d0b43426

The face 6bf198d1c4 I see, 1121d3acb1 your serene e04c095ba3 gaze, the 5ad2ad6df8 eyelids that 9c604288da close a 5672e81bea beat slowly, a8c77820b9 the light e8ec104d81 subtly hidden 104f873a6c at the 5a2c04bad2 corners of a5763a0e3e your eyes. If I poured all b845f0154d the emotions I wanted 4b26cb19e4 to worship, that sometimes 561e7b4f5c resembled admiration, onto the 27fe10980b canvas and painted over 34cc1800ba them…, your expression would 239937e5ac be so obvious.35b45243346e8cc1

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That’s why I ecd780b030 couldn’t pick up e6ca2a8d35 the brush.d4365d8d47c6e86a

Even though that’s 65fa845bc3 all I could c860c45f29 do, I couldn’t.62f70a2dc369b37e

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That day, 5565006173 breathing more aaf1d0f07e quietly than 3e28f1e88c you as c77807bbce you turned 35167d53c6 away, clutching 2deaef72ee the brush, fc48b8f5b7 I realized ae0167db9b I might 64b7cddb2e never be 2ad4e8d547 able to b8b9567c0a draw you.dbdcd0f20b77be37

Now you know.2f6e18bdde1b6fa5

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What I 353909fcfb want to 98146608f4 confess.a15cec90a43cfd8e

Why I picked ded2364729 up the pen.a118c4322606d77c

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The fact that I a37f4fb71c had to commit so 363e480b68 many sins over the e6c679227d ten years by your 423b13d17d side. The things I fe9adf8015 swallowed back with 6016f8dea3 my tongue, fearing a1a63d27d8 punishment if spoken. Those feelings e565cdbf67 that made 272bd3b859 me both bdae6e2f8a miserable and 26c083dc2d radiant. So now, confessing 13f8782adb all my flaws a20af97901 that ended up 23a7da1c07 holding onto your a61fefb09b ankles, teacher.b7cf8549b263baf1

Me, like this.3dbe3e949a3eae7b

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Please pity me.b7ccb436c7335bed

Look at me as if I’m pitiful, wretched, and lacking.b5460170941a736b

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Have some sympathy for the time I couldn’t help but love,65170ac7400f9e3b

For all the things I couldn’t endure without falling in love.560c01efba61e5ba

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I’ve always been like this. Even after showing all my depths, I felt no shame. I begged for a lifetime, relying on your compassion, pretending not to know the things you missed because of it.139c47a7b5f0025a

That’s all I knew how to do. Ironically, I ended up resembling the person I least wanted to. I guess innate nature shows itself in moments like these. The things I marked in black, promising not to do, are coming back as punishment. It’s okay, though. They’re all things I chose.dffe7e6597472866

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But, teacher.8267a628882ae136

It’s strange.d21185ebbefd8ba7

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I’m holding onto things beyond my means, maybe close to happiness. Why do I feel like I’m wandering my whole life?be6d8f01f67b5d6b

Even though I’m by your side, I feel lost, always longing even when we’re together. I don’t know how to describe this feeling.92d9ea3c028c9866

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Some days, 241f9f8386 I wished 2ff4193d21 you were 58a079ee06 as shabby a83e798b4b as me, 5ee0eba171 having nothing, 3e67f2c20b not being 5081f63ab2 as splendid f2ae628571 as others b77f877502 desire, so 4b4d60d13e only I a9a1630a4f could see 3702af4054 you.a76d7a98aa3ab27f

I thought 5b3d29496f it would f69c64aefc be nice, 8573084acc but then 8b3db4fd56 some days, 23dd7c65ed I cried 9fa84f15cb and begged cf29ce90b4 for it 9615596f69 not to 20efbaf6cb be so.3a749142c1e7ff65

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Hoping that the layers of misery, like old dust in every corner of my body, and the days I wished tomorrow wouldn’t come, wouldn’t become your reality.cbf1a8967bad5f21

……905efab228ed7bc1

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I’m already writing my thirty-eighth letter. Muttering on paper like a sick person, under the pretext of wanting to vomit what I’ve swallowed. But I don’t think I’ll be able to deliver it this time either. Like the thirty-seven crumpled sheets, it’ll never reach you.fc2c5cb495349dea

Because you are…….2a36fad2c4032731

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