PEN Vol 4 Ch. 11

“…….”

Sejin puffed out his cheeks and stared blatantly at Cheon Sejoo. As if telling him to look as much as he wanted, Cheon Sejoo closed his eyes, resting his chin on his hand. Sejin stared at his gently lowered eyelashes before getting up.

“I want to see it up close.”

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At Sejin’s softly whispered words, Cheon Sejoo opened one eye and then shrugged. As he stretched out again, leaning back against the sofa, Sejin got up, put down the blanket, and approached Cheon Sejoo’s side.

“Consider it an honor. It’s a face you don’t get to see up close easily.”

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At Cheon Sejoo’s playful words, Sejin quietly scoffed.

Sorry, but I’ve already seen your face up close. 

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Sejin hadn’t forgotten the feeling of his lips against Cheon Sejoo’s neck. 

Don’t say things like that when you don’t know anything. 

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Swallowing his words, Sejin quietly held his breath.

Kneeling beside the sofa where Cheon Sejoo was sitting, Sejin reached out and placed his hand on the armrest. Then he leaned his head towards him. 

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Meanwhile, Cheon Sejoo, having emptied his glass once more, had buried his head against the backrest, feeling dizzy. Sejin swallowed nervously, gazing down at his closed eyes.

Cheon Sejoo’s face was like a magnificent sculpture that couldn’t be described with mere words. If Sejin had read more books, he might have been able to express his appearance with more eloquent words, but unfortunately, Sejin lacked the vocabulary.

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Sejin simply thought that the word “perfect” suited Cheon Sejoo well. “Handsome” felt a bit inadequate, and if he were to describe his aura that drew other people’s attention, he thought “magnificent” would be a more fitting adjective.

In any case, his eyes, which held a slight coolness when open, appeared infinitely soft when gently closed. It felt as though Sejin could sense the gentleness he rarely showed.

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Perhaps due to the alcohol, his skin was paler than usual.

Sejin stared at Cheon Sejoo’s neatly arranged eyelashes and, as if mesmerized, raised his hand. Just as Sejin’s soft fingertips grazed against the corner of Cheon Sejoo’s eye, he slowly opened his eyelids.

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“…….”

The man’s jet-black eyes met Sejin’s clear ones. A heavy gaze, as if shadowed, traced Sejin’s features. The gaze, moving as if licking his face, felt like a chain binding him.

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Sejin held his breath, following the trajectory of his gaze.

Cheon Sejoo’s eyes slowly swept down, taking in his slender eyes and eyelashes, his thin cheeks, and the soft bridge of his nose. Finally, when his intense gaze rested on Sejin’s lips, and Cheon Sejoo’s shallow breath brushed against his slightly parted lips… Sejin’s heart pounded as if it would burst.

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“Ah….”

However, Cheon Sejoo suddenly furrowed his brows and moved away with a sigh, and Sejin snapped out of the silence. He was jolted awake as if he had been doused with cold water. The loud thumping of his heart filled his ears. Sejin blinked blankly, watching Cheon Sejoo get up.

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“…Don’t come into my room.”

Holding a new bottle of whiskey and a glass from the table, he turned without hesitation. 

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Click, the door closed behind him, and he was gone. Sejin, still sitting there, buried his flushed face in his hands. The heat that escaped with his damp sigh was unbearably hot.

* * *

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Kim Hyunkyung’s condition was improving. The chemotherapy was showing significant results, and as September drew to a close, with October just around the corner, Sejin heard from the doctor that it might be time to schedule surgery.

“This is the scan from the day she was first diagnosed, and this is the one from yesterday. As you can see, the tumor size has reduced considerably. However, surgery isn’t immediately possible; after a blood test, if we determine there are no other issues, we’ll schedule it then. If surgery does proceed, because the cancer originated in the lower part, we will have to resect about 70% of the pancreas. You should be aware that diabetes could develop after the surgery. The operation takes an average of six hours….”

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Sejin listened to the doctor with a dazed expression. His chest swelled with emotion. He fumbled for his mother’s hand, Kim Hyunkyung, sitting beside him, and interlaced their fingers. Like someone who couldn’t believe what he’d just heard, he pinched his thigh with his other hand.

It hurt. It wasn’t a dream.

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Sejin knew that the survival rate for pancreatic cancer patients wasn’t high. He’d spent many sleepless nights scouring the internet for case studies after Kim Hyunkyung was diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer.

The stories of others fighting with the disease, beginning with the diagnosis of a father, mother, oneself, or a sibling or child with pancreatic cancer, all ended similarly. The posts would suddenly stop one day, or an obituary would appear, marking the end of their hospital journey.

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Sejin believed the 10% survival rate Cheon Sejoo had mentioned, and he never doubted his mother would be one of the unfortunate 90%, but the anxiety was unavoidable. 90%. With such a high mortality rate for this terrifying disease, and with surgery not even an immediate option, Sejin had been consumed by despair day after day.

Now, hearing from the doctor that the chemotherapy was successful, he felt like he had the whole world. A conviction, almost a certainty, welled up within him that Kim Hyunkyung would be among the 10 survivors out of 100. Unable to contain the rising emotion, Sejin bit his lip. He felt as though he would burst into tears if he relaxed even a little.

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“So, let’s do the tests on Monday, and once we have the results, we can talk again. Ms. Kim Hyunkyung, you’re doing great. Let’s keep this up. Okay?”

The middle-aged doctor smiled brightly at Kim Hyunkyung and left the hospital room. After the medical staff left, Sejin threw his arms around his mother, who was sitting on the bed. It was a desperate embrace, as if he wouldn’t let go of her body, which had become much smaller than his own.

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“See? I told you not to worry so much because I’m still young. Kwon Sejin, don’t tell me you’re crying again?”

Kim Hyunkyung teased him as she nestled in his embrace. However, her voice was just as choked with emotion.

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She had dropped out of high school after becoming pregnant with Sejin. From that day on, Kim Hyunkyung’s life had been a constant downhill slide. After being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, she thought this agonizing fall was finally over. But now, hearing that she was improving, she couldn’t put her feelings into words.

Seeing Sejin, even happier than she was, filled Kim Hyunkyung with a deep pang of guilt. She felt like a terrible person for having readily accepted her impending end, leaving behind such a loving son.

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Sejin replied in a choked voice to her question, 

“Am I a kid? I’m not crying….”

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“Okay, don’t cry. And make sure you thank Mr. Cheon. Don’t just brush it off….”

Kim Hyunkyung held Sejin, who despite his size was still like a child to her, and comforted him with those words.

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Some might find children acting mature at a young age admirable and impressive, but Kim Hyunkyung always felt a pang of sadness when she saw such children. Because, just as it had been for her, she knew there must have been hardships in their lives that forced them to mature beyond their years, a fact that left a bitter taste in her mouth.

That’s why Kim Hyunkyung had raised Sejin as a child who was oblivious. She let him act according to his age, indulging all his childish whims. Sejin’s naive personality stemmed from Kim Hyunkyung’s influence. Having grown up in difficult circumstances and learned things she shouldn’t have had to at such a young age, she wanted Sejin to remain innocent for as long as possible.

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The moment Sejin was suddenly left to fend for himself unprepared, Kim Hyunkyung regretted her approach more than words could say. She had forgotten that she couldn’t be Sejin’s shield forever.

The thought of her naive child having to navigate life on his own filled her with resentment and despair. But then Cheon Sejoo appeared, and he embraced Sejin, just as she had.

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Even if it was because of his deceased younger sister, Cheon Sejoo was their benefactor. Now, he was saving not only Sejin’s life but also her own, and that debt of gratitude was so deep and profound that it felt like it could only be repaid in the afterlife. Kim Hyunkyung sat Sejin down and began to lecture him.

“Don’t be rude, and don’t get annoyed no matter what Mr. Cheon says. If he asks you to do something, listen well. Study hard too! Got it? Behave like you do with me.”

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“…I don’t get annoyed these days.”

At her words, Sejin pouted his lips in response. Seeing him act no differently than when he was seven, complaining about not getting snacks at kindergarten, she smiled, stroking his soft hair.

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“Yes, good boy, good boy.”

Sejin lay down on the hospital bed, cheek pressed against the mattress. It had been a long time since he’d been caressed by his mother. Basking in her touch, his thoughts drifted to the man who occupied his mind.

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All of this was thanks to Cheon Sejoo. If it weren’t for him, Sejin would still be wandering between shelters, agonizing over his mother’s condition. The same went for Kim Hyunkyung. If it weren’t for Cheon Sejoo’s help, she would undoubtedly be losing sleep and neglecting her meals, consumed with worry for Sejin.

What would have happened if he hadn’t followed Cheon Sejoo that day? Sejin recalled the man who had extended his hand to him in the hallway.

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‘Get up. You said you wanted to see your mom. Let’s go.’

From that day until now, Cheon Sejoo remained impressive. Recalling the man’s face as he closed his eyes in front of him, Sejin bit his lip to suppress a smile.

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He liked Cheon Sejoo. He couldn’t handle this unfamiliar feeling. The slowly rising tide of emotion had long since overflowed, drenching Sejin. Overwhelmed by his feelings for Cheon Sejoo, he couldn’t help but open his mouth.

“I like Cheon Sejoo.”

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At his sudden confession, Kim Hyunkyung remained silent. With a faint smile playing on her lips, she tickled Sejin’s forehead and just laughed, then finally spoke after a long while.

“Listen to Mr. Cheon. And call him ‘hyung¹’ sometimes.” 

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At her nagging words, Sejin stayed silent, then sat up and looked at Kim Hyunkyung. Meeting her gaze with a serious expression, he whispered again in a low voice, 

“I really like him.”

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He wanted to tell her that this feeling wasn’t mere admiration. More than anything, Sejin wanted Kim Hyunkyung to acknowledge his feelings. If she did, he felt like it would make everything alright. He felt like he wouldn’t hate himself anymore for wanting to be loved by Cheon Sejoo even amidst his mother’s illness.

And at his words, Kim Hyunkyung smiled gently and nodded.

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“I know, Sejin. Mom knows.”

“…….”

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As his mother smiled, meeting his eyes, as if she understood his true intentions, Sejin couldn’t hide his flushed face and bit his lip. His pale cheeks turned a peachy pink, and soon a shy smile spread across his pretty face.

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