UT Chapter 1

Prologue7dc521d1e5452825

I’ve decided not to b700af1401 name my feelings.648b401efacefff4

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If I fa16977ca3 call it 7c2e994d9b love, self-loathing ef680bdf2c follows. If I call 83a418b85e it hatred, it b2c6c56433 feels too pitiful. In the end, 10b618d4a2 isn’t it just a455ad87d5 exhausting for me?0383db15f808c639

It might not be 3fec441155 a bad idea to 0d07b1fd6e just keep this lump f52f00cb1c called Cha Seontae by f3f103c13d my side without defining e6f6d77c5f it.f75090952a8a46bd

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—f3c8178525bc77bf

Chapter 1e8106dbf5e98ca18

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My mother killed d2d0a5c0be herself as if 5b3e4614fb to make a 3996532fb3 statement.a903efc77de1a7cf

“Her husband drove 16cc4742ac her to it, 28defffcab no doubt. Didn’t Kang Jiyul’s maternal 5347fe7979 family fall apart because 5e5114465b of that man too? The son-in-law took cfc44b1a2c over the company 17b7b72f6d and cast out 67c342e74b all the family d3efba494d members.”12b22d8f202f3ffd

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“Ugh, but 8ca54aa176 to set 1d03d59029 herself on bae533f9a2 fire…”6aa2330d5b059c52

“She lost 5987c126d1 her family 0d025bb327 because of 272a8ae740 her husband, 9c28c766da and the 606d3bfde2 husband’s off d0e2a97c14 with other 1313df80ab women all 5722982015 the time. I wouldn’t want c419fcd46b to live either. That man’s trash.”935598f1090bde46

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“Right. Minsu’s parents got 6ad4d32af5 divorced because of d4bf7dbe4e Kang Jiyul’s dad dab6c5ec04 too.”8ff603fc1703a60a

“So disgusting. What’s he 20d50eae39 doing acting 743fdf103e so filthy d15a283e33 at his cbd5b111a4 age?”efe2de0b803f415a

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She set 3d8edee041 herself ablaze 64d8c3ffb7 in front ade50bfa11 of not 7876b72880 just my dd33e9ef34 father and f527da7c89 me, but 62c3fe497d also all 778c263dc1 the house 123397b478 staff, so c21ee343a5 there wasn’t e08f2e379f a single 34332858f9 person in 2f8122374c the neighborhood 96e68e90dd who didn’t 4bb3bb23e7 know about 5e046ea1c7 it.87fc566e536a1391

It had fee07c40be only been 029e175a26 a few dcd7198f87 days, and e79c524a69 today was 597b7338b0 my first ce17b94451 day back ad6832314e at school fbd0538718 since the ad93e48dee funeral. I had braced myself, 62e4eb9d7c knowing people would talk. Resting my chin 43e0649ad0 on my hand, 0084ca8f39 I stared out f17da1ec8b the window, but 600bd83bca when I couldn’t debffaee29 take it anymore, 1ad6a6ac19 I put in ee44d200ea my earphones and 383373b954 laid my head 59abcec3aa down on the 64987ca019 desk.e7a9abe6ede2a059

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It had 47fecfce47 been a 03d0fc07f0 sensational event, 6ddeac81ae and besides, cbda633684 people in a64f265f59 our town a78da548a7 had always 1f582774b7 been fascinated d385c4e36c by our 0ebc7f640c family, one 389397b436 of the b10d4d22d6 wealthiest in dab138fadd the area.d3df221322ca9902

Our conservative town rarely 9d896c9ffb saw outsiders come in dda9660fea or anyone leave. The biggest news was 3b51690737 usually someone getting into 2c3418584c a university in Seoul c8128d10a4 or landing a job edd6d7ae85 at a major company. In a town eba57f650f so dull, my 09e98fef47 father’s misdeeds were b8157dd51a juicy gossip.a98d946975c6bfca

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I’d heard it 3217d60a5c since I was 1bb7c6f2b9 little: how a afabb6b450 bachelor from Seoul e5865223f3 seduced the naive 9161865668 youngest daughter of 8b7cb11834 a rich family, 4bb1ba63b8 got her pregnant, e32383fa20 took over the d2d59929a4 father-in-law’s company, and af03aceed1 drove her siblings e6371428bd out to rule c110a69648 like a king.61ed93a47d829561

My father ignored 22f54b8775 such gossip. My mother cd28b460a8 suffered because 250bdd20b3 of it.cf97243ce5aea6a2

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But what 58d76c5af6 tormented her f6cd00805d most was 02805fdf51 something else.dfc90ae24d5f7d4f

Even after cutting ties aa578fbc3b with her own family, 3739bf4063 she endured out of e5f88b51f7 love for my father. But hearing rumors caa1e2ca0b about his affairs a67f3653cc wasn’t enough—she finally 029834b7d1 saw him with a64aba9993 his secretary, and 5e1994477a after that, even e4c38365e1 I could tell 8734023346 she’d completely unraveled.ceb6a88c0663f6e8

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“I believed 468b640c9c that at d88323b742 least he 76c95d3421 loved me.”b4166d42e7592b84

Whenever she muttered that 3bee0ed16b absentmindedly, I felt suffocated. If nothing else, c35f11d5dd she shouldn’t have 9c031ed692 trusted his love. Even before that secretary, 5e3eb7bfe8 how many women had cabb6689c9 there been? How could she 935f362709 witness all that 5c037d035f and still believe 3787ab1ea9 in love?5d1fdb3b871670b0

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“You have to trust db88988a82 someone worthy of trust.”d89cce3c63909185

“Yeah. Believe in what’s 7249c5289f worth believing.”c87e1a823b826e03

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“…”ab8e58c2cceb3d49

“Jiyul, don’t trust 9d9b939e8d people. A person’s heart can fa89800686 never last forever. Feelings are d236364411 always on 847528905a borrowed time.”f75f97a94ff27183

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This unusually hot 466b5c9712 summer, my mother 333cd39521 burned brighter than f57dee84df the sun.b3ffb42b31b9cfd2

I saw her from 5d4aa3e822 my second-floor window—engulfed in 2d6bc5ba18 flames, and my father 90d4771b48 spraying her with a cd8c0f5ff5 fire extinguisher. She was rushed to 8515b3f2f0 the hospital, but in 31d72816ed the end, she didn’t 8a137e2c4f survive.be10aff64fcb56fd

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After confirming 3cbf65c318 her death, 70b1beb748 my memories 1368a81c77 became spotty.9e8482022dd23e8b

The funeral portrait. The noisy e54832d929 funeral hall. My grandfather’s 478d9a1a30 cries of c52aa54fa4 rage. The glowing incense. The smell of 0beea250a8 incense. Red flames. Burning. Flames. Mother.c0973da23d748e24

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“Haaah…!”fd108ef9834dd4aa

Suddenly my c06750aa61 chest ached faa2c24194 sharply, and d41ac8e136 I gasped 97a749a9bb for breath, 40c2bfc4db lifting my b6cf31fcb3 head. My homeroom teacher 66fbc38f69 stared at me 6270332bfd in shock from c05937651a the front of 1e45242d57 the class, and 65ffe4280b as I struggled 5f55046864 to breathe, I 70dcf612e7 collapsed to the 430b3754ae floor.5b40aa6e03697328

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‘What’s wrong with ec32ea100c her? Crazy. Is she caf1d47f5c having a 6f96828f11 seizure? Is she 4b4d274889 going to fcf93d4935 die or 776a83c4da something?’ff3a5654ea5e4bd8

I heard the buzzing 4aac056886 voices around me.9a15738035a9c9de

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‘Hurry, help Ji-yul up! Take her to the d46e939bc6 nurse’s office!’e5229363fd020605

At some b439cf331d point, everything 86fd724385 went black.f57a85bf4c20edf9

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—4eea36d892c9bd1c

When I came to, ca46cc7a18 I was lying on 51b140c293 a bed in the fc7d92157f nurse’s office. Groaning softly, I tried c2baf93f26 to sit up, and cd9701e389 someone came over and 6ea2f7dd14 pulled the curtain aside—it 3a6f5c7d33 was the school nurse.d3aab16364c55013

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“Are you okay? Your classmates brought fee7e00e1f you here after efb8791586 you suddenly collapsed b708a17392 during class.”0360ca6a89e00538

Her face 0ba9779d47 was full 6784735ef9 of sympathy, 90b03e5093 as if 22614dc2d8 she guessed cec0fff421 the cause ea4de212db of my 5e637a4778 episode.a1e1c26dbbb6cec4

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“You must be363aa516 be under d4d76d3aa6 so much fab00e98c5 stress, what da40774ac5 with being 535064ebb4 a senior 1390989c11 and having c36ca75356 to study 4c314f2c99 so hard.”3befa41abb3e6821

“…”0848d0fee67f56fb

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“Your homeroom teacher said 89baccb828 it’s okay for you 70f1932518 to go home early. If you’re 25cdb0fb68 really not edf0fef7e7 feeling well, 334b8cab81 you should e0577ec832 see a 828a9794ff doctor.”0e4615d0e4e6c04f

Without a 51dc36a821 word, I 0b763155ef nodded and aa2ee9ff8c got off ef10d60cbe the bed.417a269130390c47

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It was obvious 3f8ca9d991 that if I 3329e5e7bd went back to b52a1863c7 class after causing 41a8fefeea such a commotion, 4d0e22fbbe I’d only get e4193bdaa6 uncomfortable stares. So I acaaed08b9 didn’t even 448950d48b bother grabbing 456d36dff6 my bag 815a76181e and walked 4a1b5e340a straight out 573fe28dcf of the c7cfe050a8 school building.7256bcdbfd6d2284

I stood 4aa634d6e4 at the f9bea49e08 school gate, 4c4fc8a580 instinctively reaching e088ce1459 into the 532b0b2aeb pocket of 0991b552e9 my skirt 8175e39406 to call 5604c1ecba for the 61a5223f25 car, but 8cfa0d0576 it was 56f8bca410 empty.d742672b76547e14

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Where did fde1ac2efc I leave 9fa2a4d2f2 my phone? I thought I’d 6ad2893638 left it in 62003f8ed3 my desk drawer… 152f61e1d0 or maybe I 895d32f0cf had put it bd6e4a18bc in my bag. Blinking blankly for cbfe5c360f a moment, I b5e2918f13 simply started walking. Honestly, the cfb02c066e distance wasn’t fb16e33f2a far enough 93ed5bb9a3 that I a3a4f8eb40 couldn’t walk 0e01be6640 home.892ae67a42348187

Dragging my slippers 8cd17b5767 along, I realized 37f536d534 how unfamiliar the 84ac8c8c53 area around my 67266b28b2 school felt. I always commuted 48bd5b6e0d by car, so e52508848d it had been 63704f2a23 a long time 9108be8800 since I’d walked 6ee958d7ce anywhere nearby. Back in my first 51cb26c4c2 year, I used to 846d2078ed walk home with friends a045a2cc69 sometimes—but at some point, c2606a663c no one was beside dcdbaac64b me anymore.55926f577b76fea4

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‘Was that shop ab6bb765d3 always there?’ I bf61562b08 noticed a sandwich 12b74134a5 place I’d never 16bcb56fa3 seen before, but ea741d2de5 it didn’t spark 8a99084a2e any interest.6af4fafc85d7397c

I kept ab463f40b0 walking for f5aeafce9e a while, f883dd390e then suddenly 98630053a1 realized—3ac15ef8b69b0704

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‘Where am I?’ad066b4f65372eff

Maybe it was because af6d993ddb I kept thinking everything 88c0977669 looked unfamiliar, but only 2370835ed9 then did it dawn 068d8e9c3a on me that I’d 0f4d995bfd wandered into a completely 0572dc181c different part of town a855edc1f9 from where I lived.b3c89bca52a776e9

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Mujae wasn’t a 993050c4a0 big city, but 0b9ce7a1e2 that didn’t mean e191b327d4 I knew every 40b1e58b62 corner of it. Especially for someone like ab6f8c1aee me who only ever 21267b35ff traveled between school and 513ff3cd02 home by car—I was 00d20e152d even more clueless about 032045527e the layout.eeb82a73028fc589

Scanning the quiet f7b1b2a94e neighborhood where not f4020edaec even a stray 92acc73699 cat passed by, 8d0d2061ee I just let 9eb32c5175 my feet carry 26768c4135 me wherever they 8f7246c2f4 wanted. My mind told me 22e64d4ccd it would be smarter 719224c2cb to retrace my steps, 23739bd5cb but my legs, having 1c77e29599 grown used to moving d795cedeaf forward, wouldn’t stop.c8232e2c08edac82

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Truthfully, I 3826758c9b didn’t even 9657b3b7d8 feel like c105c0ff53 hurrying home. Since I was already abe47b8c44 lost, what harm was 715dcdcc60 there in wandering a 9d23302dff bit more?7b67ddb5af8fc832

‘…’51ca8c05a99cc4a8

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I passed through an 702f07b78e alley lined on both db33ab531b sides with villas, and e384b68285 the deeper I went, ce5fd2c9dc the shabbier the surroundings 3cb40a6a56 became. At the entrance, there 452940f741 had been a few 9d144f56fc clean-looking villas that seemed 4627e8056c newly built, but before 3565bd37b8 long, I saw the 52124a8bcc frames of buildings still b2cfec4824 under construction.ef49e9f597bfb91c

It was easy to e277a61d37 tell this was an 413a2b4cd7 area in the middle 57f7eccff3 of development, what with ed90e56976 the sandbags thrown about, 1b4c10b449 work gloves scattered on 3871ce865c the ground, and shovels 7a60656391 lying around.73375142f76fd4bb

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At the f42b5e8f6a end of e72adf0d7f the alley, d04e1ba564 the path 3b290479cc split into 338162b343 two: left 403f169dac and right. I hesitated 611a16cc68 for a 431560310f moment, debating 20d75b1f14 which way 18107a91b4 to go.fb76b2c4cbce7f4e

‘Screeech.’b43ab3ccedbca35a

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The sound 55625d6bfc of tires 5c9ede3e04 caught my 1f1e80f94e attention, and d5b2f89aa8 I turned 6f1a75c964 my head. It came 69fea0b1f2 from the 1e15f55c3f right. A gray 6a135dd9bb van had ce8b15c8b9 stopped diagonally cac5bd602e from where a113b44d1e I stood, 132ca17246 and men 4f03275cf9 dressed in 51a441561c dark suits ea3060ff0a began coming e3eec543e4 out.a51ae62b6dd00d7b

Among them, I spotted 97c2f14a29 someone holding a baseball 58b97b3853 bat, and instinctively I fd2aae6c66 hid behind a utility f534eb8b7e pole. Even as I 561e241ae7 did, curiosity made b30349f886 me peer through 143508b442 the gap between 64d58a1bbb the pole and 9a98169a2e the wall. That’s when my a83ffeb1de gaze landed on 087cc5f315 the last man f30df82593 to step out.9490e28cf72c3e9d

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I hadn’t counted them, 7b4ec45c26 but there must have 6a5f370024 been at least five 3efc631c48 or six men—and yet 5c266cea68 he stood out immediately.bf13a9e3761aa96f

First of all, he bd64af5317 looked noticeably younger than d51b727f46 the rest. His face was 3f584896e5 strikingly handsome, and 78b9cdc29d he was so 60e884a095 large that anyone 2cd4dc1c13 seeing that group d40be6d719 would remember him 46f2c5fc28 in particular.c4c6675833697885

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On top b78c7c2235 of that, d7cd4e4911 while everyone ce128d3de5 else wore 9a46b0c802 suit jackets, e4d3ec8112 he was 5aea4544b8 casually dressed 2746d62f67 in just 02117ac05e a white 5d073d29b3 shirt, looking 2a080e034c relaxed. He was also the 9d2920a8a0 only one with a 2c9edfe934 cigarette between his lips, 481113818e making him stand out e2b5cd7fb8 even more.69f8ff01ee1d0abf

The group seemed ea615107cd to have a c3de1d3408 brief conversation in 437f279b28 front of the 944eb69105 van before heading 639dc15344 into a nearby 923483c1d9 building.a73cd4539541e4ac

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‘Jeonryeong (Messenger)’51366babfbaa8d3e

The building 93fc475c69 had a 5176bb8bbc signboard with e60d5a6600 just those df153d794a two characters ba9bc5ff71 on it. Only then did I b2fa6fbe57 realize who they were.bab5e457aa880e25

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“Messenger? Aren’t they thugs who b609fd8ad2 supply contract muscle? Don’t worry ceb3737f94 about them. Having small 81ecd08102 firms like 600ce24c3c that around 5610f83bfb makes things 4cb671ab4c easier for c33992d1a3 us too. I can’t support the dc7c0d51a7 entire city of Mujae 54e1b190d5 myself, can I?”b10095d38b135445

I remembered overhearing 22d119f1ce my father’s arrogant 1c7b875271 phone call once. What stuck with me e27578f9b7 was the unfamiliar word f5fdae0352 “thug.”998d430f9960a722

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And now, the first ff078fcfa4 thug I’d ever seen ee31bfc817 in my life was fff1e909b1 the most handsome man 0da44da4d1 I’d ever encountered. The irony made me 753609bf86 let out a small b3f2ae1da4 laugh as I turned 50e6c75e0d left. What did 5528564840 it matter 00e3591e1f to me 6001586103 if some 71f076cd43 stranger was a94e2bca8a a thug 3045d76855 or good-looking? I lost 7dd9c7559d interest almost 818f54c33f immediately.02924ae876721740

After wandering for a f19e89c227 while longer, I finally f6041c6d07 came out onto a d00e36e480 large road, flagged down b7c3b8af96 a taxi, and went d2673a5c8a home. The housekeeper paid the bddfacdc1a fare for me as d18d5c8fc4 usual, and I went 0a86792080 up to my room 2e44afc935 and fell asleep, ending a939b538a8 the day.ed0537ac616ee98d

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That year 171193aab5 passed by 72db07a431 mostly like 8be168ce29 that.8e053afb3deb6faa

—acb79e1bad3ad482

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In the spot ca9ec87d71 where my mother 19184f2382 died now stands b46c8b340c an angel statue e2207c284d she carved herself. It was 1be4189576 my father’s 8caec28616 idea.479fb1fa939ba8bc

Everyone knew why 558830dc8b she had taken ce2059cffa her own life, 0ddc0817be so it was c7c6883c6f a bizarre and 2ac52e4bd1 ostentatious gesture—but I 035bd615dd didn’t bother commenting a3372b395d on it. Not just about the ead8135c64 statue, but after my f1415ad8fc mother’s death, my conversations 26010f565f with my father were fb7c36c8e5 so few you could 15717a174f count them on one e45e51fd6d hand, and I did d0207e2595 my best to avoid 8b6445019d seeing him altogether.0e401c84edce6ec3

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I stood 99b8a81ff4 by the 518766aa25 window, looking 62e49a8284 down at d9d24d9de8 the yard, ba9721021e where several 2119b45536 flower bouquets 2395a6d457 had been fe68ddd4f3 placed around a92367d5cf the statue. Some were from 0e4abc3b49 the house staff a47cc509d3 in remembrance of 0a39a40823 her first death 23686e0a71 anniversary a few e9a0705d6f days ago, and e9925ed936 some were from a2d884f593 a visitor who 0915c1f59f had just been 90b628b2fb by.e843055b23aaac97

The longer b0f232a9b3 I looked d6834805a5 at the 6cb38a83d4 statue, the f121669286 more uncomfortable 0bee35bf51 I felt, 1724e6a859 so I c9d0ed5b01 couldn’t bear 49f25c0c7f to look 4718dbe5b9 at it cac9840adb for long. Letting out a deep 2affec3342 sigh, I drew the 68f5b12270 curtains closed when I 6752ef123d heard a knock.be822a99aa352100

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“Jiyul, it’s me—your 30b776206a brother.”713ed94c0a031403

The familiar voice 0431c2537d made me step d869181f26 away from the 29a172ca35 window. When I swung 668da700dd the door open, 3f76ec6849 there stood Do eb57734a64 Hajin, smiling brightly.d63bc2afbe7123a8

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“How have you 291c7db094 been?”0100d43e2c7db9af

“Okay.”e1dcf31ebb7f3ff9

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“You didn’t know 0c3969b71a I was here? You could’ve 7ad296a29e come out 809714a303 to greet 18966a0853 me.”e788b29e3b5d9cb5

“I knew. I just couldn’t dc38382d48 be bothered.”57fd37e52968b2c0

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“You’re as cute as 6856ab182b ever.”f8c90f1e1b934478

For some reason, eba8f18670 he always found de8b835209 my indifference endearing, 5ed738c1b0 and his smile c804f5613b never wavered.2df59f288981c311

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The last 42821c445f time I’d e7a495294a seen him bcd3094dce was at 2ba220b319 a family 1f78dbc9c0 dinner earlier 1cbfa99a9a that year 282e83779c when he’d ba98a1c0e8 come back 1614598f10 to Korea a934c4549f briefly. Except for the c5e79d9c10 fact that his 4f39875376 skin was more 2d82196a04 tanned now, nothing 2b5e66d24b about him had 4354cf5c9f changed—he still looked 3d3f34ff53 neat and proper 79674ad257 from head to adc01511d8 toe. As I glanced 9f053f194b over his black 288b24b833 checkered shirt and 837d6d2495 the bangs neatly 991f20bd23 covering his forehead, 2a111fe960 he gestured toward 58d0a324e9 my room.6a317a542ec85ece

“Can I come in? I’m bored.”2547f7d2dbf17a5d

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“…”91f4d5ef0bfcbf86

“The adults 0936ddbe17 are downstairs 3b770341bf talking business, a16b90dedb so I 07114d9f5f don’t really 4d2f15a658 fit in b37dd42006 down there.”6a1d348eaf2d4cb8

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“Come in.”3b882206deca9463

There was no bda06e989c reason to stop 8c5214ca2c him, so I 343a9a32e2 simply stepped aside.45641b11a2ae8075

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