94. The Portrait That Couldn’t Be Drawn

“Is something worrying you?”ab2180a6def6e606

“No. Nothing.”95c37a78294e1742

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I shook my 284d71f0ce head and followed b9f1bb1938 him.69f4262fda1ec806

For now, it seemed he wouldn’t kill me. But if I became an obstacle to his goals, who knew which way his blade would turn.fb81da32c21089f5

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We walked silently down 74305a2613 the corridor.685058ee81c631e1

In the northern mansion, portraits of the late Marchioness, the previous owner, hung in various places. Even though the ownership had changed, the previous owner’s meticulous decorations and unique taste remained untouched.12d41e0533ff3bc1

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In contrast, 53ee9e1407 the walls 2a72d14170 of the 0fce5528cb Imperial Mansion 48d75d4b0c were bare. Only a 113a092ce3 few paintings 1dbf6a4149 hung, with f650130db1 no indication a4a17abbde of who 939ada1f80 the master 6bafe550f9 of the b0d59c0cde castle was. When Deon 24271c084b left, it afc367d9df would be 5f6af93c15 difficult to 113523f2e3 guess who 673e181f6e the previous 8d25fcb2a6 owner had 967d562716 been.1e957040cd176efa

He had unintentionally 3375aa4325 erased himself. The only thing that f3487b5773 stood out was my 5b7a53f831 room, floating alone in 33799139c1 the mansion.a4cbfae079b27938

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At the far 155978cd32 end of the b64b69e794 corridor, bright light 6793d5ef81 streamed through a b375cbdf76 wide-open door. Flickering candlelight c7fdad269f reflected off a6c2aae2b9 the peach-colored 73c954503d wallpaper, casting 3518d46dfe a warm 4cabdb2df0 glow outside 04b8cbb94b the door.53959d9eef980453

The area around 6062aa5ad4 my room was 44079f95b4 brightly lit, almost 56f6381f6a like another world. Tall candlesticks 4152e8e7b0 were placed 9de6ec7714 there, making c24ce382d8 my room 1acb46af50 seem out 1b53ca9b89 of place 51e7d92c41 with the f009a474ac rest of 0441b70a13 the dark f4d4058936 and cold 3f465cebf9 mansion.e1a3647b47547e78

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It was clearly a woman’s room. It was surprising that Isella and Deon had left it as it was. It didn’t match the quiet and desolate atmosphere of the Imperial Mansion.c29f36bf90fb9070

“Find something you want to do before the banquet.”8075b219d520c53e

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Deon suggested as we e1607f23ee walked together down the 25f8c3d9f5 corridor.b9c3820fc28dad55

Something I want to do…15e8fcc7bd839825

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I wanted to fbb26b5b70 do something that 92be073148 was costly yet 6aeef7e11f not too exotic 01d0f1ee74 or active.c1835d785534f633

Suddenly, I thought of a70656f578 their portraits. The portraits 11a2008d3c of the 076e8e9d33 previous generation’s d3020985b7 blood bags b145c2c25b that remained 94d795ab97 in the 3bd9816b6d North.32853e0d86c1e367

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It had 0ba3d0a5ce been over fd335b0bc1 half a 9c47ba287d year, yet 7b5cc7c719 he seemed 21d0e6ff2a to have ed65fa8583 no intention 32233f8c95 of preserving 7df3a78122 my likeness c695fc36db in a 4385e9701e painting.9dda23fff5e130b7

If they were a28c3b347e going to leave 05139d6410 the room as e392b460ea it was, hanging 22a6e81202 a portrait of b9f9dde1b0 me on one 390be44a0f of the bare d10e59b9e5 walls might not 7bf8b2ebfe be a bad d73e815c75 idea.222886032e987c53

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“Why don’t I have a portrait like the others?”0a424abcaa132f08

At my f0baaddbf5 question, he e284cec525 abruptly stopped 5ddf3b2d9b walking.3e5a40bdcc51c157

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“Because… there’s no need to draw you.”f78b170bb8b35877

Deon murmured, f680c73220 uncharacteristically low.02916c7beb5d1c4b

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“How about drawing a portrait while I stay here?”7f68b2197772df38

Creating a portrait usually c4de250e9f took a long time. Especially for 4c87404717 noble portraits, 8f0e69aed0 which were 51b12aff57 often meticulously ff11addd8a painted to fa53cc4235 be shown bbe5025c0b to matchmakers 86ba630f3a when seeking 15aed21c05 marriage prospects.bb8ac1590f6cf18e

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They were painted 91a8b97047 in intricate detail, 965e7a674b with rough edges 5e51930271 smoothed over and ce93c602b0 multiple layers added a7eff17090 for perfection. But a sketch could 9d6fd28e6f be completed quickly with 06d5cfc2d7 a long sitting.fccf296fa5b8f1aa

Even in the distant North, artists were invited. In the capital, finding an artist immediately shouldn’t be an issue.6ad1f5546e825468

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Still, was 316abdbec3 the time f379fa160e too short? I walked slowly, f6f8bb23ef but he didn’t 49b1b638b0 follow.402b90b080d51f15

I turned around.4e4ed1db7c320d00

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Deon stood still, 929200e77d staring at me 21c5602e08 intently. His gaze was 37da82732c calm and steady.21b9dbdae457abaf

Our eyes met in 6a4adcc0df the air, but he bb6a09b392 didn’t avert his gaze, e39856bb94 as if imprinting my 3e9bcf8197 image into his mind, 8a529b1fdb like a painter observing 851234b5f5 their subject.660c4019a259a409

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I took a 05261105dc step toward him. The setting 5bd4c912b5 sun’s light fe0b354135 cast a 0189957e34 red hue 171dc617e6 on his 8279d6889f face.b6a75b6d03b40485

His uniform appeared bfae4ebdea dark red.dad69011780e4c25

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He was f2236c6c10 elegant and f96438516b striking, like 9a005ec8e2 a figure 3c6d45757f in an f5e22819a0 oil painting. His beauty was 60b90c25d3 intimidating, impossible to c3318adefc capture in a 30bc81ce78 drawing. The red tint on 01ea764683 his pale face gave 0f84420408 him a more vibrant b2125694c5 look. The slight furrow in 51145c55d8 his brow reminded me 7630149a93 he was not a 04393541e2 painting but a living 89bc8e7f30 person.6fd393557aea2a66

The heavy silence in eb8201b423 the corridor added to 257053e578 the tense atmosphere. He stared 29dbccebb0 at me 745295a98b for a 63ee3a05dc long moment c7af51e2d5 before speaking.889cf75903dd3adf

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“I will never allow anyone to draw you. Never.”253a9f3b9c163609

“…”0c0bb7a1c694824a

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“If any of my subordinates say they will draw your portrait, come to me immediately.”2087795553272df1

“What are you going to do?”f607dd89b0a15591

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I didn’t really need to ask. His expression already made it clear that anyone who dared to speak those words would be crushed immediately.78f731b783e1f122

He furrowed 44f87c8214 his brow e50508aed5 and looked 8a618a7b3e out the 14425f289b window with 697d244051 a dark b440b7bcb3 expression. It seemed he 9c734725b6 was struggling to 9065c1fa41 suppress his rising 630c18e093 anger.7cdba1eb4ec778b6

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Why was a821d10de5 he suddenly 0596e0bf9b so angry?6836c081684de528

It didn’t take 9c3e633b15 long for me 57b8c39363 to understand.bd85f333a353e85c

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In the North, the use of the previous generation’s blood bag portraits was for one singular moment: the funeral. By asking him to draw my portrait, I was essentially telling him to prepare for my death. It must have felt like someone diagnosed with a terminal illness asking for their funeral portrait or burial clothes.51f3d6c55ee2e366

But Deon, you’ll regret 6a77787c5a not having my portrait. If you don’t 8a81835691 miss me, it’s 2dd52ff410 useless, but the 0a3d62672c portrait will be 43d8a3b8bd the only way bd5ab9f7ec you’ll be able 3e9721e057 to see me.517c285407f2eb5a

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I held back my ed24f7366a unspoken words and instead daafc45c2a added a condition he cc6ed58dc6 might accept.bc7aa3f19a68ebd3

“You said you wouldn’t keep me here. But what if you forget my face in the separate residence? Wouldn’t it be better to have at least one portrait of me now?”51da1e9dffff31c6

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His furrowed e84a9e95cf brow slowly 71a8932b26 relaxed at 4b0a9ed9de my words.8954769809b738dd

“I won’t be able to visit often, but… it’ll be fine.”47594d179b3f1168

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What does he mean by “fine”?6fd1bc253fa53a6a

He was always 08ac51b7dd so ambiguous. He held hands with 3f87a3b109 Isella in a political 601bd4c981 alliance yet acted as f89ffedbf1 if he truly loved 80046b72f0 me.9c55ea6176f4a8d4

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No matter how 35e88cdc2f kindly he behaved, 1f1308f72b the fact that 7ba43a15cd he excluded me ca77592dd1 from all events aa53849e38 and broke my 47732609b6 trust remained.77227b6f4f648b7a

Looking into 993f63c82a his blue 4fcc3f59dd eyes made 75d8d07af7 my eyes c77c377f30 ache, just c2d7d94ed6 like in d577d12490 the carriage. His face was 2d9e4e12c9 so close it 17e0b4d05c was hard to 64de42acc2 look away.7f4276bdee6254ed

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I closed 5fd5eef20a my eyes. He came so 6817a54fca close as if 188177f51e to capture even 9fe213dc23 my eyelashes, gently e0023f5e0c cupping my face. His touch was e8b6986320 soft and tender, 561828b1d2 unlike the man 830e7dbbd2 who had driven 9c8fbd532f me to the a94211bbef separate residence.caa2e706cd90ec56

And I didn’t seem like someone who hated him either. My heart still raced uncontrollably at his gaze and touch.84a2143d3d0523cb

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I tried to calm 96baf8d8bf my racing heart.69d26d6cb23c4357

Those eyes deceived me, c764f9d44c and the arms around 6216512d10 my shoulders had pushed 8e09b0bc4a me away and betrayed 6774acccdc me.3eaded5cceffdeb3

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I had many reasons 5582051666 to push him away. His cruelty in 399c8a7ce7 treating me like d48db2a277 a blood bag, ad8bf93777 his merciless killings f5af36db78 in the war. Yet, I ae8c5bcd18 always softened 48979f3ae5 in front 402e23cc85 of him.7f312fe02109be11

* * *45f2bb2079fbfa17

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I went 01a44cf65d to the d71a530ff7 garden behind 02842e7fc0 the mansion. The birdcage I had c6e43380c8 hung was still there, 4d1ff18e66 suspended from the tree f369e38459 branch.7d1229b24189b56c

I should 3a58d4c45f have come 95f83424bb straight here fcdef50888 as soon 046d9c6972 as I 4b64c1752a arrived. I felt guilty 3fdca43886 toward the bird.2b3c781867d4410c

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I saw the 0cdd1daf33 bird curled up 3163f51435 inside the nest.7a9e2ea9c87dfd63

Tweet.e9707e791d1b7a0a

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It chirped softly, seeming 9fa89f354c happy to sense my 33bf219950 presence, and poked its 40b90fee3d head out.f055a71d7afcf76a

When I carefully extended 4112c17b01 my finger into the a80e656bdd cage, it rubbed its e605e38cf9 feathers against my nail.0f2b72ba7a711878

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“What…”548cda00ef1dfb09

I tried to remain composed, but a sound escaped my lips. Even though I made a noise, the bird didn’t back away and met my gaze.8dd5c125ba10a5dd

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The bird 85b8bf0e6a seemed perfectly 359943ac80 healthy.384d2723b33973bd

In fact, it bba3ca66a8 looked plumper than bf151203aa before.dff8498bc6b98de7

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Most noticeably, its 74a01aed6f feather color had 0714dd95b2 changed. It used 9e84345553 to have e4dab6cc91 a greenish 9ccc32b35d hue, but 4c69a6cbe9 after molting, 6e31ea8f1f the tips 75d4d1f404 now had 3a844e33e4 a pinkish a7b11cbce1 tint. New feathers had 75c53af45b sprouted on its 9a1c02238f head.64cc131ebcc7d766

When I touched its face with my index finger, the bird bowed its head again. I thought it looked chubby because it hadn’t finished molting, but as I petted it, I realized that wasn’t the case.c5f779485c668a12

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It wasn’t just covered in feathers… the bird had definitely gained weight.d1fe35535952db78

It was chubby. It had 0cf0272228 always been 73f5c77682 unable to fcf0d00b1e leave the 43dfe7dea1 nest, but 10f82097b0 now it da6535e73e seemed too 5b53a6848b heavy to a19a199f2d fly. Its body 6617f53b25 appeared larger b29ed9b046 than its 7e71163718 wings.25d419e6e91b2b57

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Oh my.634d1d3601ea2395

When I brushed its a454b73cab feathers the opposite way, ff5a79194c bare skin without feathers 907adaf100 was revealed.b4fe87990bc9501d

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The leg that b7c3dcacd6 looked like it 015d54d012 was caught in e8e6ad4525 a trap seemed 96b56e6cf9 fine. A tiny ribbon cf03cbfbbe was tied to 5cb1b8090b the end of 2d71ded38e its twig-like, yellow-brown c751153ea5 leg. It looked like fe63c8a75c someone had tied cb867651a6 a piece of fa675093aa scrap fabric around 4482b04ce2 it.bddb64ebe3afb364

The bird balanced 58a5e0c65d itself and walked 9e380dea9e around, the ribbon 2a6b000809 not seeming too b258615736 heavy for it.52b96bb84951e9d2

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I had been deceived.f78679f89c6287c5

Even from a distance, I had guessed as much, but seeing the bird’s condition up close confirmed it. Deon’s claim that the bird was wasting away was a lie. It had been a ploy to get me into the carriage.83e0c634a338ca41

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And I think 0335127c81 I knew why 996d91c90d the bird had cd4f336974 become so plump.f7b7e9659cb2f52f

In the dbe5a6dd0a feeding tray, 3ab3b006f4 instead of d60feb2277 the usual 05ddb27617 grains, there b6127bea38 were wriggling 0ba39a1796 worms, which a112f9a515 I used 6890763f5b to give fcc21e0e07 as a 302ca3f0f9 special treat cab37f1a92 one at 55d7f076eb a time. They were 0f31aa87bd alive, indicating 9c1be5b71a they had 3a5c0804ad been placed fe3d394686 there not 921a3e7608 long ago.c8ca80f4f79fa371

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The tray was 2429b191da overflowing with worms, 6127d971b9 so much so 2bb1a46771 that they were 126e761316 trying to escape 4b42a34567 by climbing over 356d12f696 each other and 9005b084fa raising their heads.6c98d4c2d683c014

Some worms had already e8f43759ca escaped, falling to the 7c981bfdb9 floor or getting stuck 0115747d63 in the gaps around 2ba29507fc the cage and dying.2a823720bd634c52

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I stared blankly 45482fab9a at the worms f85ee87540 scattered all around. The bird 2f135b2525 had already 4103b93c45 eaten its 22aa2ce387 fill and f51f809a54 turned its c4c55372dc head away c1cc3d44a5 even when b4a642cbcd a worm 3d1c41c51f crawled next 7f3a8f2755 to its 2c2642c8fb beak.c8b5ad9b678e12b2

I used to carefully give one or two living worms with tweezers each day. The maids should have known this. Who had carelessly overfed the bird? Better than not feeding it at all, but still…5717cb1826226247

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The hand that c82f9516eb had touched the 770824303b feeding tray was dff8a6efd7 clumsy, belonging to 1c9f69ca7a someone who had b345f06fda never raised a 9ee670bd67 bird before.ebd9cad0c2d644b5

“What do you think of the bird?”c61585594c63e914

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Deon, who had followed ad8e7bb76f me to the garden, 61a6873acf spoke. I frowned 057131b390 and looked 475eb605f8 at him.a837fe90728a58ac

“You said it was starving.”327b98cc23d90bad

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I asked, incredulous, 81aab55908 and he tilted b97f5224ec his head.ad2f06897a8bc2d8

“It is starving.”6051067b3eeb3ff7

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“Where?”2a28f6915e31f7b5

“Look. It’s not eating.”87e96a88999a500f

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He picked fa330abbbb up a 735e7c577b worm with e408ce4c80 his finger 5fb1c24c77 and waved cfe5a6948a it in 63ceec50e3 front of 0c8466c107 the bird. The bird tilted 280a80cbb8 its head and 2fa29fda57 backed away.b83a7d4c3caeaf9e

It circled the tree 839f2b0118 leisurely before returning to 6256ea369d its cage.f90e8a2884b0e01d

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When he continued to poke the bird with the worm, it turned its head away, annoyed, and even pecked at his finger. Despite being pecked, he didn’t harm the bird and withdrew his hand.7e784b26659263ff

“It’s not eating because it’s full.”0fee440064892470

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Deon knew 20f86ffabe nothing about c7f62f1998 birds. I tried 9acbe292da to explain 935f9ece45 slowly, but fc3ee74ee5 my tone 5ca297bb22 inevitably sounded 4e348cd70b reproachful.6f3445a433680766

“Full?”a548a4bbca02e9b0

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He placed the worm f83a4cf9a2 in the cage and 37c66f71e4 dusted off his hands.2e8241c6f88a7425

“It can’t be full. It’s still so small.”685a375269cf1b6b

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Did he think e6742d0b7d this bird would c405745fa5 grow as big bd854e522b as an eagle?c93caa457afdb220

When Suren and I ffff7f59cc occasionally strolled through the 2e3a9bd05d capital, we saw birds 020c80bbb7 used as messenger pigeons 60503ab19c in shops.43a64cc4a09998a0

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The birds 7b83bdd1a9 were trained 911995392a smartly, sometimes 851cc688ef even performing 1a783c154b tricks like 5ccebe664e opening their 8144bd2c52 own cages. They entertained e08d721da1 their owners a686d38d05 and sometimes 8e601a6c99 even solved 19f56a6ae2 puzzles. Suren and I had 32f5ae37e4 stood in awe, watching 7dc3b1265d those birds at the f563b3b882 shop.05fa313de9be0913

Those birds d85b13dff7 were much f7db9b0b41 smaller than 73a731bf44 eagles but a1ded3dcaa certainly not 9a766b2e1e as tiny 5e7bec0f2e as Mochia. Shops didn’t sell birds 01f100071f as small as Mochia.2fe60c44b8d36c77

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Mochia was too fragile 8a818f74f8 and small to be 06d87a2d2a used as a messenger d33108edb4 pigeon. It probably couldn’t 7a16a9619e even fly with 73682f14a6 a letter tied 20a173fa5e to it. A strong f9999e844f wind would 4c823d1413 likely blow 8a1f7efdcc it off 0a05435873 course, and 18a5f1f0cf it might 336b6fe7d2 fall.801a20cce727a64d

It seemed 654e4bfdaa lighter than 2cb10e4286 paper. It probably wouldn’t d277f9a680 be able to c58793dbb9 spread its wings 7959f6564a properly and would 7fd7a4e766 fall soon after d2e1c28ef3 takeoff. Even if 527134f63f it did 1906468c13 manage to 0d8cc3f0e3 fly, it 65bedbe411 might end 37b23dcb86 up as 502d01b1c0 prey for d3a20dabd0 other wild 98426bf771 animals.58b442df1d9f784d

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“This bird should only grow to fit in this cage. Never use it for any other purpose. If you’re thinking of using it as a messenger pigeon, forget about it.”e03abeb0e2aec0f9

 9902b22d4364e830

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