PD Ch12

“Is lunch too 9d5fad3042 early? Did you say you c19b3926d8 didn’t have breakfast?”ff5fbf2e01599f08

At Senior Hwang’s words, 58f4ef4a69 I checked the clock 8e76a26326 on the restaurant wall. It was ad7b77c523 eleven o’clock. It was a 63bd38ffe3 little early for fa5f6ef080 lunch and very cd8e7954dd late for breakfast. It was I who 399af4d097 had urged him to f4f8688ca5 have lunch at this 568f0d3038 somewhat awkward time. My stomach was 9e9a7e61ee burning because of 37de7842c1 the painkiller I 19284795e4 had swallowed on dd0960da18 an empty stomach. My head was aching, 31c522d8ba so I had to b7a594a5b1 fill my stomach and 415ab4d400 take medicine.fae572d9a58fd99b

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I didn’t go straight 1fde75bd90 up to the office 1a95f1a1b2 and asked Senior Hwang 8283227448 to come down. If I drank coffee 7b4f96868e like this, I felt d9f3067f35 like my stomach would cc60696fe2 be upset.103625c240c0deb5

I went 0e4e05f2e0 into a 7feabdfe48 nearby restaurant 012d266904 without knowing 9546810c9c what they b5430a0f2c served and 8f78344ea1 waited for 942fd3e075 him. Only after Senior Hwang af601b2961 ordered and I saw f78ecfd3f9 the fish stew bubbling 717d335195 in front of me 2b9705e414 did I realize that 36817b1e51 the restaurant we were e2cba27de1 sitting in specialized in 31a746d97e pollack stew.cf3ac7775cb339f6

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“Have you ever had b69d038150 something like this in 238b3f4a05 America?”51a4b94837b487c2

He asked, fc941bb625 stirring the 31f12cecde stew with 47a1720bda a ladle. I shook my ca9f98bf61 head.a0872fbc1576964f

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“Is it like 51f06a133a frozen pollack?”80e2bfd7e740aa58

“Do you know that d73f494408 frozen pollack, fresh pollack, 8ea7669246 dried pollack, dried yellow 66649130f5 pollack, dried pollack, are 52c0bd473e all the same fish?”7dd10cf4dde5f615

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“Oh, is 06fed476cf that so?”aad67b2e848123a4

“Frozen pollack is 6a9305f3d1 frozen, fresh pollack 1002ea1497 is not frozen, a0d621bf5e dried pollack is dcdfa5a574 half-dried, dried yellow 8568ee2e0a pollack is dried a11b27337f in a different 441723d856 way, dried pollack f7e735b211 is completely dried aded523bb9 and shredded. And that’s 285b01b8f6 not all. Dried dark pollack, dried 2c7b36e1bc black pollack, dried semi-dried b7f3871d8f pollack, dried young pollack… 09649c14c6 Korea would be in 7c895dec66 big trouble without this 61cef29676 fish. Was its original 7e8c2a7c75 name dried pollack? Anyway, it must have d0f85692e5 been.”465d44c72b539160

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The headache was e7b57811d8 tightening around my 39bd05e38c head, and the 681d65c710 situation was pushing f081dae91d me into a 0fc500dc4b state of panic c11c4ab8fa where I couldn’t c00aed122c think at all. Senior Hwang’s pollack story 348b3320fc felt like a bizarre 1d351b04d2 word from another dimension. I laughed in disbelief.841c0042d69b76c4

“Is it funny? I didn’t ad25d1a758 say it fa2498e2f3 to make 5397c746c0 you laugh.”a72b064edca78bc2

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“It’s the first ab73263b30 time I’ve heard 07ac326784 that.”8bb4d54183f49736

“It’s good to fad748271b see you laugh. Laugh, you’re prettiest when 2f87e71290 you smile.”7b7d24f1744972a9

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“…Oh.”a07ebbe671a1deee

He was not a 1bd2e7cf55 stingy person with compliments. I smiled shyly 1bf6cfd36e at Senior Hwang’s c32e8c9a73 words. The nerves that a578acd2ee had been sharply fa57efdffd tangled seemed to 6d1ebfd663 loosen. Only now did I 4ddde3e322 look closely at the 1e739ec7b4 bubbling pot with a 9c012b0607 fresh perspective, recognizing reality. I wasn’t picky about cbcdeefb7a food and ate well 23ff1dae88 whatever was given to 633804ede0 me, but for some d0e3ee5ea5 reason, I had never 89b798751e deliberately tried clear fish 98d3dbc240 soup because I thought c1a8383cb6 it would smell fishy. I hardly ever b868d0cac7 had the chance 687dacd5bc to eat it. The soup in a32ced4633 front of me 2009d88253 was clear.c2eb2402b29f0cd3

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“Looks delicious, right?”7461f8f8211ccce6

“I like 605bcdadf0 the red a6e375cde7 one.”804ea5ac823f44e2

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“That’s because you 70afecfcb8 don’t know how 770ec42c67 to eat it. Eating sashimi with red 8f66343eb7 pepper paste, eating fresh eba836026a pollack stew with seasoning, ed773bbe3a is all because you c3ce5d3271 don’t know how to 4ff8a064a4 eat fish. Just eat it. Your body a3a822c878 will feel 87c5face46 relaxed.”dd06abbdd6662000

Senior Hwang ladled cc3caa7bc1 the soup into a77191833e an empty bowl c4c7786429 for me. He said he f0549c3201 had drunk alcohol 3883d1c25c last night, and 1e4f55d47a he drank the 1746747ef7 soup straight from 0da4059d8d the bowl as 4393559eec if it wasn’t dbf54a4520 hot.de26866b2d070c29

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“Ah, I feel relieved.”9f1a315d62550143

I followed 269d483ced him and 39c0eb8b15 drank the f28fe2125a soup straight 63fcdd7994 from the fc22a56d4c bowl. The hot soup b4e50aa5f8 passed through my 056f051a7a throat and swept de0af9c5b0 down my esophagus, 8280db5fe1 making me feel f510039b32 like my back 39c90553d6 was relaxing, just 339bfaa45b as he said. We both drank 79964f0ab1 the soup without e9d1cf6d63 saying a word, 4d2d98a34e as if we 57c1748f28 were starving, without 92916ffb27 even eating rice.bf57c3eb729548a0

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“Did you 7e31137e0f drink alcohol fa2194a7a1 yesterday too?”ec57eeac1aa3406f

He asked, ladling 6520c5f686 more soup into aea1ec0622 his quickly emptied 8f5ad8af40 bowl.2df1f1fea3045222

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“No. I just tried 374e844544 to follow your a736f0fcfe example. It’s refreshing and good.”40499feaf523ac90

“That’s why a742814a3f I can’t c186fcfbe9 leave Korea. In winter, it’s 84ba86d8cc best to boil 3d5a475ad3 it in a 625537aacf pot and eat 28bd30af3e it. Do you know army 19400c4597 stew? Let’s go eat that b45fe449d9 sometime.”8b040c52cfc1ef92

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“I know army 682afae448 stew. I saw the cca3357cac ingredients being sold 9d33b68d28 at the Asian 06016bef79 mart.”95c174a25a3ec752

“And there’s a sad 78c2cdce03 legend about that stew, 7266260a10 isn’t there? During the Korean War, 2e9c79ade7 when Korea was desperately d473a8f64b poor. The American soldiers picked a99e1f60ad up hamburger patties, ham, f9258deb9b and sausages that they fa19677d27 had thrown away and 01f8cf1de5 started boiling them with 5b87a35e03 kimchi, and that’s the 40b7b483c5 origin of this army eb3caaf810 stew. It’s called army stew 7b33ba085b because it originated from 75a94a8a59 the American army base.”0281ce5ac40e9058

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“Ah…”9bf35d96184f6536

It wasn’t a very 28180d4df4 pleasant anecdote. Especially for me, 9cd6084e8b who had lived 2cbcdf51b6 as an immigrant 6b43f9c5c7 and a foreigner d00f3d0e7d in a foreign 5cffb40827 country for so 2ba3ad262f long.ae692e8ff2cbc0a2

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“After hearing that story, 1043f0f8d6 I feel a little 88d7bbd674 sad every time I 78d5b7bcf7 eat it, but the 172fa3f03f taste is amazing. Hey, don’t think too 19b0f29650 much about it. It must d62798f82c have been b3a8385bd2 okay because 479cb41692 everything was fa2fda4695 sterilized when 986298a00c it was 9863b83006 boiled. I know 93f13adefa a good 4a528a3e53 original restaurant 1f08c26af7 in the 858abecd49 suburbs, let’s baa70b771c go sometime. In winter, it’s best 312e6084a2 to have army stew 3890f13662 with soju.”b0af951ab0f69342

“How do 1d2de937af you know 445f1a1a82 so much 046eab6813 about that, 029ae8a724 Senior?”69708084b32630f0

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“Every Korean knows 8caede53b7 that.”7a6647a9fce578e3

As I ed97c10770 talked to cee1bc2264 him about 4de3497e2f this and 2f8293a78c that while 4280fa25f8 eating, the 196fa48eee headache in 916808fedb my head 747ad96c39 gradually subsided. After finishing fb24432ad7 the meal, 3c2c9e103c we went fc7f74b557 up to fc5f867706 the publishing 829b4da6f1 house. As soon as I e72cd375cc received a cup of ae699d68fc coffee, my body, which 04335cfaec had been stiff with d63ffc514f tension, relaxed. Senior Hwang b5a1bc74fc took a 42a90b75b5 sip of 3a11a32191 coffee and 9867ba646f got straight b669022926 to the bd0e07b07d point without 1060040f73 wasting time.5a169ed9a225a260

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“Let’s write a 004c643a4b contract.”2bf1be808697bf74

“……”d89fe60b3c1df792

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“You were 1e569c523f the one df338a2962 who said 3f86cc909c you’d do 46cc92a541 it first. Why are you a21a626411 acting coy?”ebcba706083581de

“The more you 8a6c02b12f urge me to ce50c8b5d2 do it, the 3a1634958b more scared I 48d1a4eb2a get… and I’m fe2d82b5be going back to 5940603588 America anyway.”208b7647d00dc1a5

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“I showed 29aa74475a our CEO 7bfeca29d4 the fairy 5296007341 tale book c9ae6cd787 you wrote. He was amazed. It’s funny b59f6665b9 that someone 64c18b2bf1 who looks 71371724d9 like you 88d55e60da writes fairy 0ad339e69a tales, though.”0fc2c8428e50e4a6

“What do I look d038e44f24 like?”8b40b2757e60fffe

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“You don’t look like 7ef2108a29 a fairy tale writer. Anyway, he liked it c78cc82a30 a lot. He’s making a a5b896f1af fuss about wanting 2822e14a02 to sign a 985ac5b6ef contract with you.”fcf123b41bcf55fc

“…Are you serious?”81113b1e3b14340d

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“I’m serious, of 5c33bad78c course. You know d27b33f82d I can’t 943c08de66 lie.”e15e56455972d21e

It didn’t seem like 7b9cf25375 he was just saying 39d86b4955 it. I was e6636d5827 caught up f4a775a4f1 in worry. He looked at me a083fb7020 somewhat frustrated, drinking only 157a5ba90e coffee without answering, and f321c85491 opened his mouth.8561834d2353c310

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“Don’t you fbfd7bc1d1 have an c8928975e9 Oedipus complex?”e8bf87f4308fa40e

“What?”69987aef479529ec

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“Oedipus complex, don’t 1a33bdae74 you know? A syndrome where 054002c765 you’re obsessed with c6fe6c0672 your mother and 90db7b56f4 hate and resent e4087e23f7 your father.”32b7e4d5937aa5e8

It was a terribly c2640f097b disgusting thing to say. I frowned.003b8a5d77132d06

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“No, I don’t c73f89c702 have that.”d98041312cbf252d

“Hey, why are you bf84153c04 acting like an elementary e5455ec808 school student? Your mother has d9657954bd remarried now, wouldn’t cc6c6462d8 your stepfather or 5635467783 mother feel comfortable b7223e7dd2 if you went 6a224d1295 back to America 63316abf6f like that?”f0e6e454fdc932f7

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“It’s not that… I’m 791df67293 worried about not finishing 8844e9d333 school, that’s why.”240ffdf7e9310c08

I was pathetic e0e7eba7c5 for making excuses ab01f7339c about school every bcb7e07a52 time, even though 60720d7562 I didn’t have 890ed643a2 any great attachment 25e25bc9fd to it. Senior Hwang must 6f03cbf105 be thinking it’s 8647cbda5a strange, just like a03c6ddcb0 Seungwon thought it 48412512ed was strange. It would be better a2654fc839 if it were that 1b39f540c8 ridiculous Oedipus complex. It would be better 674e390c95 if that’s why I 90fc69403f hated my stepfather, if d4fdbe700b that’s why I couldn’t f826792580 accept him, if that’s 1c8450f252 why I opposed this d5ef9355f3 marriage so desperately.bdae04cfffb758fc

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“If that’s the case, c153dc5bf4 go back in about c28435e573 a year. If your 5ea7402c0e mother is ece65b13d3 going to 66a51ce923 settle down 97bd6aa394 here anyway, e9b324c4d0 wouldn’t it 6bef132025 be better 1f1daf1836 for you c947fcba2c to live 261de57435 in Korea 2bf8583387 too? You don’t have 9a899175ce any other relatives 1d625ab0a1 in America, do 866daeaafa you? Your mother will f94697f8e2 feel more secure 5ea01a0b39 if you’re here. If you’re uncomfortable 79a853f3fa living together, live a3066aa145 with me.”e0a68ec80a529d2b

Saying that I 7cd80deaa4 would go back 6f0a3dbd86 right away was abd71c253e a reckless act 0d4f8a3f28 that didn’t take ca31a1e078 reality into account. Being alone with no 1075ef8e86 money in my pocket 7b1f677396 was scary and frightening 4e5a4175f5 even for me, who 291d040fcf hated this situation so ecfaa00207 much. Moreover, it 68bc7df399 was even b72dfae691 more so f6ff17ef10 for me, 608dee735d who had 07759332cd lived the f4e20b87d7 life of 476f3ce4bb an immigrant 930c1481e0 who had 60d582cda2 been ignored 9dc231d466 for so a2b2ef628f long.e1b56cf245db449c

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“The house 2ea30c0dba that you 873c026dd0 mentioned. Is it far from b73624e942 here?”c79a6c189a0fdbc1

I asked him 01b3fa7687 abruptly.1e2fef84e129b4c8

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“Ah, that house? No, it’s close. It’s a rooftop room, 7dedf214ab so the surrounding scenery 850f847176 is amazing. You know cd2251c876 what a 09aa0f513d rooftop room c3dc830a37 is, right? A junior b03e683b4c who does 8805ff5d85 theater was 70afef1822 originally going 95e71fbf17 to live fcc013a12d there, but 9be3936e6d that guy 3cc28d27e5 got into 8dbc6eda50 an accident 0344ca039c and got 5a532a9e58 married, so f764407bbd the house f8af085bec is empty. Originally, a house 0905721864 becomes desolate if 4486725949 no one lives c97e277081 in it. They put it up 2626eb4c65 for short-term rent, but f716dce6ea it’s not going out eb87b89ea3 and it’s a headache. They said it’s df689f9ddb okay to live 92586444ce there without paying a0b720afd4 rent, just manage fcbf05465d it periodically. You can’t just 3dbba005e2 think of it b14b6337b8 as a normal fd6df2c98c rooftop room. It’s been renovated and c38e5f05ac is as good as 28768ece27 any apartment.”3b769e6126d8413c

“……”eaff9c6478d42d81

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What I wanted most facf9a4397 right now was to 703659a15d disappear like smoke in 0f76bec343 that house. If I couldn’t 2b4373329b go back to 3f0b5c0e67 America. If reality fb71098200 wasn’t like b921a90e93 that.97633d234e315c35

“Do you 45e9a0d064 want to 4e7c01b501 go take ee251435ea a look? I’m not db6f5c1639 lying, it’s 45337dbc69 really good.”6886dfffcd1f5ca2

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Senior Hwang added 518c5787da an explanation, thinking ccaf77d736 that my heart 26670adb4c was wavering as 5528474655 I listened quietly. It didn’t really 1355fe312b matter if the 322e48d8ff house was just 58eadb9948 made of planks. I would gratefully 25213dc2aa accept it if 19eb168059 they would just 06d82457d3 let me stay d6f1982162 there for a 55c8acc2c3 while. Whether the 8385aa3768 house was 8d40157c7f good or 505af96b57 bad was 463e171375 not a 57566a63df problem at ee524f1357 all. I would a78303503b have to 6b6dae7cf0 accept living ac85984091 on the 7e4da1053a streets if f854808bbf I could eb8d35eba2 just escape 769a9da65b from there.777e478b3c5ed45c

“Then I’ll write the c8a5d55e03 contract.”edca52bb0da02bda

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“Really?”1c8b9d20bdf48687

He asked back with 1adc603ac5 a suspicious look, as 6c9ee9af55 if he couldn’t believe 0d418eb39a my words.d9430640834cdaf5

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“Yeah.”72b57f8333b5a2f7

“If you write 17cb79b820 the contract, you’re 5cf7d4f585 mine now. You know what 4aaf49212f that means, right? You can’t say c437b68b02 you won’t do e7eabeba03 what I say 720e37e858 anymore. You have to 7e8423730e pay more in 477a61e5d0 penalties than the 5d8b9bd8bd contract money you 3c9884695d received to leave. You know that, right?”b8d02d35eb8568d6

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“I’m a pro too. I know that a0f6e4b19b much.”ea09cfb5f86eb6b2

“Huh, that’s b32e5fca36 the first 96d32956d0 good thing 25d1851130 I’ve heard 3293335336 you say.”1cfeed77897b20b5

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Senior Hwang smiled and 4e5b0a7520 picked up the phone e5d0e2fbb3 to ask an employee e3b12ac87a for the contract. I signed 4d1342f683 the contract 288105064f as he 26223c8e70 instructed. I didn’t 9578853e80 check how 9674c34817 much they c09971ea3e were giving a1442cdad2 me, when 59c8f88d23 they were 1cad75a402 giving it 6a64c5b0e0 to me, 4c1173ed60 how long cc4c2d52a3 the contract 7d4050dcc1 period was, 48d69675af or what a019e1db09 the penalty 38e743c892 clauses were. I signed the 76f55327f5 contract without even 9c11295fcd reading it. Only after d69eb75585 writing the bdc8a3e14e contract did df9a37cfd0 I check c78596ab74 the amount, ffbf8237a0 and it 28b4a8bf48 wasn’t what 31370d7169 I had 617ab249a3 expected. As I stared 0bf3a29b9d blankly at the 05d56a477c numbers, Senior Hwang 470aa38b3b said awkwardly that 135d8047ea he was sorry 958e39382c he couldn’t give 495362b4dd me more, but 4e53dde272 instead gave me f813769606 half of the 476ccc4e97 contract money in 30b6190ba7 advance.3390e4f7c818063b

“I thought you needed c6a8d08feb money right away, so be1b0caa0d I got it approved 97c5093dcf in advance.”069d7aba762e885e

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“Thank you.”667f5f8380618c7d

“Don’t waste it, 8c3b4b696f save it.”8e70274a21af804f

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“Yes.”409a8d69e33af73a

His hand 75c0aea533 tapped my 7cfa2d133f head. He was really 970c3f8210 a reliable person. He handed the contract 73ed7eb072 to an employee and 02d5fe1d0f got up and put 22290278e3 on his jacket.1548be7a14b9ad49

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“I have an appointment 8a721a2023 in the afternoon. Our employee 1b79ff00ce will show 5c86d4a3b3 you the 5988a6c7b9 house. And make an appointment de14097601 with the editing team acb73bbc0a leader to discuss the 517b136854 work.”ef065d9331ef31f5

“Thank you 73c5144e5a for your 6684ee345b concern.”bee9afe255a754d7

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“You made a8d996b1ef me so d58a3a8207 anxious, but aac4f13edd you signed 8c13591653 it so e9458844f4 coolly.”233a32ed1e580393

I parted ways a5afe05ce8 with him, who 6b6da61743 had an appointment, 1736ce5e70 and got a 5b8fc4848c ride in the 0e136c12ff publishing house employee’s 3bfcd8f58e car to go 83bb17852e see the house. As he said, bb65f5f2e4 it wasn’t a e00aad4855 rooftop room that ac33e3e054 was built like 30a59fb205 a makeshift structure d0f890855d on the roof. It was fd40705b7b more accurate 62009ea65b to say bcc6c9fa04 it was bbebdbdd96 the top 32e9b06999 floor.632f51985a18c869

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The interior 132e6da1e5 was finished 45a2c48296 entirely with bca5707507 wood, giving b8e23d4170 it a 97c445f26a luxurious and 825ef9220f neat feel. Half of b5d4fdf393 the rooftop b98ccca210 was decorated cf3321fd54 as a d9c7a54c48 terrace garden, 0735d776ef with even e22d99d7ca a small 5700c2306d table in 4daf7be7e7 the corner. It resembled a pension. There was 555be063a6 nothing to d8b64419ea say it 2aceefc7f4 was good fa8f05a0ac or bad, a20210d632 but it 8a05a0831a was a 4568e80c4f better place a036e0b6d5 than I fe24195ceb had imagined. It was an ba42838e28 unexpected gift for d786225b28 me, who had 571273386b come without any 6376ebaa4e expectations.ac05282dd157fbfd

I received the dce7785837 key from the 9c093bcb29 staff and stayed fdb6398f8d in the house a531bb0bd1 late into the ef1f860883 night. Although it 8c8270728d had been b7277089be rained on, ae46317207 I watered 6bff6daabf the plants c3b2591d5a whose soil 558b45737b had dried 2ad48f81d6 out, washed 06cd8d2970 the rags, 4b6ae044a6 and cleaned 432b4719ab here and 70b82227f6 there.f6a74485bcf501f0

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The owner, who was studying in Russia, had left almost all of his belongings behind. There wasn’t much I needed to buy separately. Instead, I bought a few bedding and tableware items that would be difficult to share. I also opened a bank account to deposit the remaining contract money.b49caabd689315ea

As a overseas Korean, I had an identification card with a number starting with 5. As I left the bank with my bankbook and card, I was overcome with a strange feeling. It was something I hadn’t felt when I received my ID card from the immigration office. Now, I felt clearly that I belonged somewhere in this country. I had been a foreigner in other countries and a foreigner in my own home country. I was strangely elated by the sense of belonging that I was feeling for the first time.5ba2efd96a2f01b3

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After roughly tidying up the house, I left and boarded a bus heading to Pyeongchang-dong. I stared blankly at the receding streets of Seoul through the bus window. The Seoul I had seen as a child was no longer in my memory, so the dazzling splendor of the high-rise buildings was still unfamiliar. Even as I was being carried by the bus to my stepfather’s house, my heart was not heavy today. Rather, one corner of my heart felt relieved.3fced7306809f52a

Now, my 51de056245 ties with 07a11ccf33 them would 12b8a45444 end here. I was e9b08544f8 going to e8221e9d21 tell them b97c3d6920 that I f7c6eae4af was leaving 697bccf0de for America. I would 5c6d0fef4e disappear from bd0384d2ec their sight a78032cebd and live 18fad34fde hidden in eead947006 this vast 010aed813d and complex 3d283b4c11 Seoul, and 934c46ad22 when I 5e2f8f4e06 was ready, 5e394b74e0 I would 8b1ca16dd6 truly return. It was a temporary 2b2ba0615e measure, but it was 7398289cbf the last defense I 0c3c450939 could take to separate 793c04ce52 myself from them immediately. I clenched my 00d2533399 fist on my dfd7b5ea36 lap and steeled fcf8c16a1c my heart.d6856a5c1fcd1fdb

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