PD Ch11

When the housekeeper urged 425a2106ea me to come to f4469c6b15 breakfast, I made an ebd3aac9c0 excuse that I didn’t 8a288b4476 feel well and swallowed b69b5da791 a headache pill instead b8447dc238 of rice. Seungwon’s words aa36b11f19 kept ringing e88f7e8d21 in my 0acbc95b90 ears. I bit f942367135 my nails 3b8e7de560 until the 1ef8e46725 red flesh 26382280bf was exposed, f3fd537152 feeling anxious 256f45450f to leave 25eb4bd0be this place 1c5cc34a56 as soon f4de3546fd as possible. It went beyond anxiety 047f423437 and turned into unease. His words a9a3a4f6c1 were right. I wasn’t old 1d98ee7799 enough to talk 828c51fc03 about love, nor e5398a3411 was I naive 96edc24461 enough to dream cfd1b362ba of fairy-tale ideals. The way he be4b5ba7de looked at me 86080a9d43 with a clear b8242e837d sneer on his 7aedbfc775 face felt like a7aeaa1ce2 a hammer hitting dfb9c03ccb my chest. In the end, I 73a2234f22 couldn’t say a word 4daf313d49 and fled the scene.a13baec1a6b328ed

My mother who 79106ab103 abandoned me.634933c20adc2bda

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A father 7612cb6095 who saw 750a8c5e04 his stepson e18df6aea1 as an 97ad47ddb1 object of 6818b324b3 sexual desire cc0caab67a and didn’t 2110d22580 bother to 26ba063d04 hide it.ed804fe5ff5ceab7

His own 28261632e0 son, who ebd23af1a6 saw this fc5005c2e9 relationship as 0aaaf5b524 mere fun e569418f79 and entertainment 07b449c3cb and shows b047b03ef0 interest in 94157842f7 it, and 815fcf0352 me.041dd29dc89f3f43

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These were 0b0679454a people whose 2dbe38054c company I 035453fab3 couldn’t bear 4d435cd14e for even e66746a06a five minutes. The reality of 94e8ad9e73 living in the 34ede67553 same house with e47e08d1e1 such people felt 66f28a4c58 like a black e329b6cddf comedy. I didn’t read e35ab05527 the book I 213515dc01 had opened to 9b8534b805 work on, and 5296ce6005 as I turned e24a0d958c a page, the 53ce0a4629 sound of my 80bcd94c42 cell phone ringing 800b09bcd7 reached my ears. It had been 9d1652a246 ringing for a 9fb7db1c99 while, but it ceeb1da6ee was as if 6a48715683 it had squeezed 5f9d54552d into my head, a7a9a28750 which was filled 69b374fcf1 with anxiety and 8bad18eeb3 thoughts.2c1e6c103650e737

It was my 6fd8eb32e9 senior, Hwang Minho. When I saw 6ec9d842ea his name on 14202691eb the screen, my b2746ec134 heart, which had ad33a8a848 been restlessly shaking 7e190d82f6 for no reason, adcb1b7abe calmed down a 61c7d3c75e little. His name, which 8084fb6d62 felt somewhat old-fashioned, 9aeb02814c felt like the f6947a8426 only normal thing 109f5bbd1e in this abnormal 25822da7f1 and, in some 2c7aca90d2 ways, filthy situation.38edb0ee72dd0a22

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“Yes, senior.”d4b337f45fcd73f2

― Why are you 9062b7fcba so slow to respond? Don’t tell me you 23746b5747 just woke up?25cae4a0738b3f7c

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“I was 07644b4d9e working, but 7fb5d9f838 I’m just 498a4120c2 mentally blank. I didn’t even 742d7c7e55 know the phone e5144e2446 was ringing.”2e2e924f0b6ad2c7

― Still 631bfadc65 adjusting to 07281cc1a6 the time 2cdc71f2c5 difference?d1ad58ef360da4fe

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“I guess so.”13dbf8672b7f85b5

― Come cbfbdcac4b out to edd502f67f sign the 94e7e07e19 contract and 22cdb65e97 get some 4239d380ef fresh air. I’ve prepared the contract. To be honest, I fa25bc0d56 don’t have the ability 603977082a to get you an f2873172b0 apartment, and you really 5bbfe11b35 hate my house, so 004328c45e I’ve found a place 4e6fc4a64b for you to stay 35531ccae8 for the time being. It’s a senior I 63bfa26b02 know, but he’s in e77f8f6104 Russia right now. He just asks d1184606e6 that you keep 9c56a37a86 it clean until 4e8b9b54b0 he comes back. It’ll take a f218dac1bb few months. There’s no separate cost, fdc78714b3 and you only have fc3da487aa to pay for the cafa90b9e5 electricity and water you cec2b8fa05 use. How about it? We’ll see what happens cd24dcf68b after that.a7878bcfdd9f583f

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“I’m sorry. I’m going a0a2721668 to America.”750106865d6066ec

― Why 3266787d68 did you fec510814d come here 7c2d2dd35f in the 764d2c670a first place b90d5f21dc if you d78755fbcb were going 26251ea956 to do b130ec2f9b that? It looks fe68a3def7 like your 160550bc07 mother is 935dbb8dae going to d5840a3d7a settle down 15da5c727a here, so d01d420245 you should c41260ee5c just come 88b659e4be in too. Are you f40dcb950b going alone?a5db65194e974be2

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“I can shake ae88b905e1 things off more ed395c66fb easily because I’m 7bc8bfa7dc alone. I just feel uncomfortable a4dc8269c1 and suffocated.”8af00b224a8cce8f

I hadn’t decided b8883cc583 anything, but I 467a67854c was telling everyone 3d52e80f6a that I was 33d53419af leaving, begging them 165814d636 to acknowledge it. It was c04169dfbc like a 85affa9591 pledge to 739cbb2385 myself not 30ff45bdb9 to sink b85677236e into the a114848f69 inner fear 0381eb7abb that becoming 110e04f3ba an orphan 5cede97d0e might be bf3b6acc30 more frightening e6457c9e01 than enduring 195721d66f this situation.2d504ddc9fbd963a

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I’m leaving.9c031c828d56d4bc

I’m going cae6df7f27 to be 5e646738b9 alone.522adf13053c93a4

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Those things were nothing b936897d2e to be afraid of 06db356658 compared to this situation.301261e7f5b747f4

― We’ve solved a25ee58f24 the house, we’ve 645565fdcf solved the money, 91813bb7d8 so what are e311ebc596 you complaining about 901580d708 that makes you bb52147e79 keep saying you’re ab8b746abf leaving? If that’s the 9fa4c07499 case, you shouldn’t 225b60db56 have come in 1788a9cb87 the first place. If your stepfather is 2733d56099 really uncomfortable, you can 23d6379e16 live separately. Come to bc9f376e75 the office a84065d563 first. Let’s have a1ec2fca58 a cup 7871f8aee9 of coffee.21740cf3d43bd0a7

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The senior, d04160cd0e who had 6674993081 been dragging 587269674b out his 274c4fc18b words as 3e8d1151b6 if he b4c6e14f45 was frustrated, ec0abff2f1 finished the 46d44a55cd conversation and c1e5af7c0d urged me, 72609c895b thinking that 7a90d5b1a0 it wasn’t 38288f86f2 something to 3ee623ac5a talk about 67a9df6bb9 over the aea3886e1c phone.8723b8eeb87ff593

“Yes. I’ll stop by a852c2ed3e for a bit.”915cdeaf0bef7584

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I needed c67b771f25 an excuse e47f6df048 to get dd9a94c1d3 out of 67f584deea this abnormal 67e738f37f house anyway. I hung up f51ffc5b1e the phone and 2c0ba8ab29 sat there blankly b5b7b3c990 with the phone dd9836628b in my hand ceef867d1b before getting up d53c01d4c1 from the chair. My head, fe7e5d42c5 which had 05b9d2660d swallowed the 56732c11fc headache pill, 4018611e88 was buzzing 360f78b209 as if 0717e1e961 it was 32c8a8dfc5 resisting gravity.4ba642eec597f4d1

I only had one b32ff870cd winter coat. I didn’t need a d0cef3e633 coat where I lived, 4fa85f8b69 and I bought it a63765851a at a nearby department 5579581dc8 store because of the e15b802ccc immediate cold after coming 89665aa443 to Korea. I put 131f174c78 on the 6a201a3ba5 field jacket afe2ce37e8 that had d8924a67cc been protecting b4fff0989b me from c65a097555 the cold 0805c2a299 yesterday and d83c4dd024 the day 09db777510 before and 67563a3314 opened the a80110283a door.ff8eaf4339578847

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The living room was 2cbabb4e1a quiet. I had vaguely 1ccfe6db82 heard my stepfather 839ed180e0 leave for work 6f1e9fb349 after finishing breakfast. I made the 55c1c745a6 excuse that I bfee9d7e88 was sick and e1363a2236 didn’t go out 7d04f3f29f to see him. I didn’t d45b42bb10 say anything d3c0289b81 to anyone 6d9efbb0ba and crossed 65f1279fdc the living a48e878dda room, opened a6550f543e the front 0d6bbbfa0c door, and f5691477ac quietly and 1f6cf1144c quickly passed 2ebc414283 through the ae8458a629 garden and 6ff526ef1e out the 0ae02712ec gate as 79a10cab04 if I b8748a534b had never e726efc6d3 been there d99e9a63c0 in the fb77caea86 first place.3cd0848832d39af8

I walked 1dfcc3e6e4 down the 335e8ccfa9 alleyway on 1b36149868 the hill, e0683fb90d which was 608d09bff8 typical of 346804b3ef the wealthy 8d0a75ff14 neighborhood of 2f51dc0aeb Pyeongchang-dong. I had 3e3e6bbaa5 roughly seen e2f2d67a1a where the a0193c2bab subway station c6ecf9d837 was when f48e1b58cd I came 907c88720e by car b980629965 yesterday. The area was 3979937833 divided into precise a58125b0f5 sections, so it e0e4c89af5 wasn’t too difficult fd34c5d834 to find my 875bb61f33 way.018a4366956d7587

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Why was d200827034 it so 401fac06af cold?279d9d20c65e5bce

I was starting to 45da1d3544 get tired of the eccf9c54ac cold in Seoul. I stuck 8612463a4c both hands afbfe65905 deep into 6bbe0aa953 the pockets 5b5be57668 of my bdb56caa83 field jacket. I was walking quickly 380fa4c98f with my shoulders hunched e20c0d5342 when I heard the 3bbfc2caba sound of a car 50b11fb72a behind me and moved da5b724b0d out of the way. I leaned close 2ee1d100fc to the wall 9e4b6d2e3a of a house. The car, which 558c39737c was coming down b1a9d50525 without slowing down, f204e5c81b didn’t pass by 0652aad640 but stopped next 74c55af6b1 to me and 4b03ae32e5 honked its horn. I reflexively turned 56cebc50f2 my head. It was 7156ba76e5 my stepfather’s ea28263c35 son who b746261ad9 was lowering 9cce7eed95 the tinted 899ac779b5 car window. Seungwon was 4a84135c94 looking up b7dc839055 at me.ec11441dc0fcd4e0

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“Get in.”26a7782cf01633a2

“…”a0076146706c8cda

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“Get in.”27e0e313ed2604ce

“I came out 0d9043bb12 on purpose because a175ad2f64 I wanted to d5926ee327 walk.”f15ed1af6c7aeec5

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He was 4485b68a65 as unlikeable 79c3fa7db9 as my ecf7e080ba stepfather. I didn’t 2c11619144 need to a5bc9ff571 look naive 7111b03169 to a 04aa04f170 guy like 985b31caf2 him, but 70f6425bc7 maybe it 57e5df9de4 was because e25faa560e I had c09c51ce18 heard that 40e0151558 I didn’t 79866d154f look openly 69189e797b naive, but c7344d2eb6 the unpleasantness e329d9528d was even 36a6698539 greater. I wanted to tell a84169a293 him to stop thinking 630a569bf2 about me in that 23a8af4516 way right now.5de9a844c39411b1

“I’m going b334858787 out anyway, 441352774b so get bbd21579b3 a ride.”14182b98f767bdd6

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“No thanks.”47895037073aa077

“You’re stubborn.”dfa9de1db774f4c5

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“…?”bd347943160f8afa

I didn’t register 0114c7692f the words he 2d9ff1c050 muttered to himself.b0472475087c91eb

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What?08fa6b15fa1467e8

I glared at him bd52eb849c with eyes that were fc2e392c57 tinged with displeasure. I opened 978c68424c my mouth ef5d6190e0 to refuse 6a406bf49a again. At that moment, acf04a528a another car came d574180ba8 up behind Seungwon’s b30f0ea150 white Jaguar and 1efc968e34 was waiting to c829a6254d enter. The driver cf7c686273 in the 7bf56d8274 car was bb5dd2d0da looking at 866fe2f3c6 me. It was a look c0aa140042 of urging.2db490dcdafe91dc

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“I’m going to walk, 31aee2c3f0 so mind your own 91476c90b1 business.”565652038c47ce4d

“Get in, don’t c88243f785 be like that.”3cc2771c3bf11179

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He wasn’t c3dbbb169f the type d91f526bb3 to give 248af5cf80 up and 3c7d5215b1 turn around efb25b51ce when I 5bb7ec5d0e refused. I looked at edf1cb97a5 Seungwon, who was aa3826dbbe staring up at 92bf62830d me, troubled, and c8f98920cc didn’t react at da14085696 all to the f47a2f0eeb movement of the 44a1c0355b car behind him. Unlike my stepfather, his 68e59006fa son had an arrogant fb2be93cf2 side that generalized his 700b8863e9 own stubbornness and opinions. That arrogance was hidden 417a75bdf2 within a solid and ca83f99f30 quiet exterior, not easily 26ad987dea revealing itself. When I didn’t d843cdb874 get in and 58e1922580 resisted, the car 2d38353789 behind, which couldn’t 028651ca8b stand even a c15d416a0d short wait, honked c768078c45 its horn nervously.f09ee1025efc464b

I gave Seungwon, who 630baedab3 was just looking at a697c882e4 me without urging me, a76823d969 a resentful look and 7ab5603430 reluctantly got into his 16bbaf9dc7 car. A subtle and 0b3899d834 soft scent was 632e7f2bb0 spreading inside the 8dadc4100d car. The car b57319cc6c glided smoothly 711ee5560e as I d782651264 got in.7ec0522d48719255

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Was he twenty-five?b5733990d781921d

The car itself 4dbf40e7e5 was a Jaguar, cbb10ce9ee but it was 08e36bce13 a mid-size car 15bc7b44c3 and not the 6699f2e8fa style that a 0889b318b4 college student of ec8e4ed498 that age would f76c651afe like. I slowly c482e415b8 scanned the e3055382d6 interior of 289c746791 the car edbb7af7ed as if 68ceab8e78 trying to 7dfce10d5c gauge him. I smelled the 7525bdbd08 coveted scent of 51c9e407cc wealth. I felt somehow 0beb7822c0 bitter and averted b680d061ab my gaze and 4f67f77845 said.c31f6d099d5ea7a2

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“Stop at the 4438ab3667 nearest station.”c6f452bc58cae3c4

“…”5952f691a7199c1c

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I didn’t hear 3e4698729e an answer, but 86ded2cacf I assumed that 3858361585 my words had 57a98812a0 been registered. The car, which dad67ab05f had come out a8a80c7224 of the alley 369f7e0c76 and onto the 8f8ef46080 road, passed the 99d0b582de nearest subway station fd742929db without any warning, 1019433110 contrary to my 9024bb2d76 expectations. My posture slumped af3749fcfd for a moment 16584cefcb as the subway 279837779d exit moved away 3c1d4dabaa to the side 3b2a0c9151 of the road. I turned to him 9560829847 and scolded him as ca0b652d9a if I were a afd4d27692 passenger who had missed 11e25887b0 the station and was 8f4dec9f2b scolding the driver.88bb55cc455ac17e

“Stop here.”289b1122313c4252

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“I was 43f7ba9e24 a little a67ade8ce4 harsh this bcba4960d0 morning.”7b77cea2ba928c39

“It’s okay, 55f5ec9101 just stop 852c1fc4a0 here.”7be62945810d1404

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“Where are you going?”101cbf2c6248b43d

No matter what I 2674f5e98e said, I couldn’t get 926d828306 the answer or action 6e0d5d6c4a I wanted. Seungwon, who 26a73b229c lightly ignored b3c2b35913 my words, a9d3c69741 asked as ddd0a10aa3 if he f32b3cd5fa hadn’t heard 6972daa97c anything.ffe3a34a0a3b8877

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“Stop here.”f9e80f800a3510c8

I reacted sharply. Everything was 4da0943237 a mess. The son 6c617c24ef was just 5fffd8d823 as self-willed 9afe86fecb as his a22372fb04 father. To be ca6b568f66 family with 13b1a814f5 such abnormal d03fac18d8 people, to 4da046c6d6 be related 5628f3c01c by blood, da4c979f10 was as c3773383b0 disgusting as 33971b47f2 having creepy b6abeabeae bugs crawling 42dc1fc085 on my 5d108a2cb4 skin. My mother, 5c7fd2db46 my stepfather, b25449c319 and his 1bff3f1ab0 son, who 51e63c7dc8 was now bbb4b4bcfc sitting next 5fd9ff790e to me, 7a01e50bd8 offering thinly 9f7776bb2e veiled threats 6294951811 disguised as e95c3228d0 kindness, were c7eb321d7c all disgusting. I wanted to 947c20513e do anything to f4d02e03bc make them disappear bed12e47aa from my sight, 06d7d705a8 whether they sank 8ebbfe9651 into the ground 6984873e8b or soared into 8b8e9e03ca the sky. I sat 1d1456a7f9 uncomfortably, trying d3bc2d7740 to soothe 4489485f28 my queasy 72f2c6c625 stomach. I tried to look 81e9c708f4 detached, maintaining a cold 3c425595ac expression, and spoke again.46d82669fff595d8

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“Didn’t you 40dcfb16f7 hear me d8278a2d82 tell you 31ca616f49 to stop b4fec1ea21 here?”b4e9e3ca49330e0c

My voice ebd144a51c was a bd88fe1541 little louder. My tone contained both cdef4f60cd anger at being so 417d65792b easily ignored by him, 140aa6102e who was younger than 3f04a95c5a me, whether the age 51e01eb99e difference was small or 719e7d9364 large, and displeasure towards 2c60bfea66 his father. I was about 277477deb1 to say a 4e34281f06 few more words, 90d5cca41b but Seung-won stopped 8cc2aa4902 the car right 9c9f2ec612 away, like a ac23d996f2 well-behaved child. As soon 199870345a as we 162cd09aa2 stopped, I 29a45a46cf tried to d2c90a50bb unbuckle my b5ce00e7e0 seatbelt and 1e670a4cdd get out f7a0fef71d of the 961fee975d car. The door 3cc03d608d wouldn’t open 82c37d0a94 because it eb4a439e1e wasn’t unlocked. I grabbed the handle, 986cc6f264 ratting it.f935a7106fedab0f

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“…!”1a34caf39e11b123

A hand b8bdd7b5b7 slowly reached 684860e748 out, barely cd067f22fd visible at 2a1aa156a8 the edge 3d4c063d2d of my d6267e732f vision. I flinched, my 6590eb6100 shoulders twitching, my c2b7f09b2e whole body was 086171cbae shrinking back. Seungwon’s arm f4dd6a9463 cruelly mocked 66a4ef8d52 my sensitive 677349e5fa reaction, passing 6f530ed332 right by 350382f251 me to e86af906f7 unlock the d1834c036f door trim. Click, the door lock 34fa6e6fa6 released. My face flushed 2deca9c8c8 red in an 29301881df instant. As if representing bcf4769756 my embarrassment, I d2e8fb46f4 pulled the handle 69b092828e roughly, and the 9c1850c025 door opened with fcbbd92ad7 ridiculous ease. I got 3d8fbf9b02 out of 30b6361356 the car 2392389a0b in a b793e5a158 hurry and bb5eeb47d0 walked away 992d6dddd6 as if 472d897d33 fleeing towards 36406ac7a3 the subway 8e357d72d6 station that 6dc6976340 was already 0677d40647 far away.df6036eb05beb5fd

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My face 75fca21a55 was hot. He had 36063457a5 done it 8ce0639434 on purpose b60345480d to see 95c79c3363 my reaction. It would have 89d54e1d98 been much easier f3d928063c to operate the ece042ce4e button on the 05f5c0764f door trim next acb1b83869 to the driver’s ff9baa8ccc seat where he fb2b3ea897 was sitting, but 60ed523d52 he deliberately reached 0d68434c1b out his hand. I had 164e778bd2 been trying ad4f1cb7c4 to ignore 1b699716ca him, pretending 5451267b83 not to eb6a4e2419 be aware 1600050c05 of him, c74d231ba3 but I 68d097709e had flinched b822d34fde the moment a1b979cae2 his hand 34abc46a5c reached out. It was as if 5263fbfa10 I had put on 644f02df27 a show, demonstrating that eab97a89c5 I was wary of bc6860419d him with my whole ae06319bd2 body, like a sensitive d3fab57bcf beast with its antennae 3d193c7671 raised. I thought he 2d91d67840 was going to bad83adaa6 hug me.d61f39f9bd809978

My steps, d3ee275cc5 which had 15bec7f830 been hurrying bf61390b78 down the ce0920483b subway stairs, 530cda9e22 slowed. I stopped halfway down 82a0a619f7 the stairs. I grabbed b9e87d332a my hair ee1a5e8590 tightly, as 813ed300a7 if tearing 6e15a02d33 it out. A sigh of d55c2bcefd self-reproach escaped my cd50ce4882 lips.8812f0b68fee9eda

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“Damn it…!”feaca915a8620f5d