PD Ch10

He was a man who approached me no matter how coldly I pushed him away. He was a man who was trying to possess me while using my mother to get married. He was a man who read the relationship between my mother and me as if he were looking into his own head and used it. He pretended to be docile, but if he saw even a small excuse, my stepfather would reveal his hidden teeth and try to bite my neck. That’s why I was desperately trying to act dignified in front of him.707a890ff8b6a107

The reason I came into this man’s house was not so much to hurt my mother as to show off that composure to the man. No matter what he had in mind, it had nothing to do with me. I wanted to make my stepfather, that man, realize that he was a worthless being who couldn’t harm me in any way by coming here.2a6bb03b799cd367

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My stepfather’s eyes softly scanned the room.560e3e219891dd9c

“You still haven’t unpacked. Is the layout inconvenient, or do you not like the room? I asked Grace, and she said you like white, so I decorated it in white tones.”c60f0794375e98c0

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“…”375ef8d599bd84c6

“You don’t like the room?”29a40994a83d5460

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“I told you earlier.”01614f089a63129e

“If there’s anything uncomfortable, don’t hesitate to tell me.”16351251c5757348

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“It’s uncomfortable when you act like this, Father.”209e9136f414c889

“I know it looks crazy.”0f8d7ab49013d6af

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“I… told you not to.”436e5e1ae645f0ba

“You won’t let me catch you, so who am I supposed to catch?”2864731a3b2e56ea

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“Did you isolate Mom properly?”af6f5c60d3dbb84f

“…She’s showering now.”f71be0968df220d8

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“Please don’t make me uncomfortable. Please leave.”9988cb176d60b1ff

“If I could buy you with money, I would have.”1003f757f6c7ddaa

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“…”6205be885ab2245f

“I’m a businessman. I’ve never seen anything as desirable as you in my life. So I compromised.”96915f76a5afe3a5

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I lowered my gaze and deliberately got lost in other thoughts, trying not to listen to the man’s words. The man talked at length about something. I didn’t listen.6c9863857d1aba31

“Junghyun.”f089bdc8092a84ea

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At my stepfather’s call, I threw a fresh gaze as if being pulled up from deep thought. If I had a knife, I would have hidden it behind my back.216313a9611fc376

“Mom must be done showering.”a1f08044df3d8fcf

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“…Junghyun.”cff978b7c7433de5

I felt like 8739183fee I was going 3dd3db6ff1 crazy every time d6e4313f98 the man called 531d1bfbea my name like 20acfa93d6 that. A man 5e802c0ec9 who rationalized a95b6e6b64 possession by 994a68fe97 marrying my 0afec8ad70 mother and d10226c339 becoming my 216ec77b50 stepfather, and 87e9937fdc I myself, 11dee67d73 who knew 0217a8b35b that and df75b384e8 chose to 525ccc5133 enter this d26d64063d dark cave, c48b7709da was disgusted.3d7d6abd9aeaf2af

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“Please leave. I’m begging you.”99b671a24622cc8f

“…Okay, rest.”17bf018e8c9ef346

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I used the word “please” and made a polite request. The man nodded with a regretful expression and turned around. I watched him open the door and leave with tension. The door closed, and I had vowed not to lock it, but I had no choice but to lock it with a click. The sound of the door locking echoed clearly in the quiet surroundings.12ce20304e60dadd

I could tell 58c0b91834 he was still 9d110c3e05 standing in front b1047c6daf of the door. I leaned my 897bc279d1 forehead against the 46a64255a6 door and prayed 7750db1e8f desperately in my 1ccf5d959f heart for him 77e1f34fa2 to leave, not d54f23df65 to stand there 9649f11482 like that. Only after a0f049f611 the footsteps 8ed9818683 that had 58261024c2 lingered for a562310cfa a long b12f4c583c time faded 3afa5f38a4 away was 1a46812dff I able 77c1d54b58 to move 5153df4856 away from 746d47e01b the door.1c8cebfaa5e73aa0

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I didn’t have the energy to sit at my desk. I lay down on the bed. The mattress supported my weight firmly yet softly. I covered myself with the new blanket that smelled of fabric softener. Everything that touched my skin was soft and warm, but I swallowed painfully. A headache that couldn’t be relieved with medicine was tightening my head.4a5d8acb3742352a

***e66463fdbdb9641d

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The garden was cold and damp. I fastened my coat, inhaled, and exhaled, and my breath spread out around me in a hazy blue dawn. I slowly looked around the man’s house, where I would be living from now on, from the view line with a faint mist to the neatly arranged garden and the detached house beyond.18cf537da34565ed

I thought Seoul would be complicated and messy everywhere, but it wasn’t. As my mother had said, like Newport in Rhode Island, the road up the hill was lined with mansions separated from the heart of the city at regular intervals, and the man’s house was no different.31005beaaa47bc4e

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The mountain range behind me was foggy, as if it were carrying clouds. Even this limitation could be a stinging pain, depending on what situation you were in. I slept, but I didn’t sleep deeply. My head kept ringing, and I was pressing my temples with my hands when I heard a rustling sound and turned around.7297ea05c91450cd

“…”582ba5f315d68440

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A face that didn’t resemble his father.0154d1e6a57b8633

If his father was a specimen of a scholar, his son was an animal wearing a human skin. He was the owner of strong and distinct features. His eyes were deep, and his splendor looked like melancholy with moisture. He was in his mid-twenties and felt somewhat boyish, with a dignified air reminiscent of a ruler who had just ascended to the inherited throne. If he didn’t resemble his stepfather, it would have originated from the womb. Looking at his appearance, I was purely curious about his mother.0955120cafdc3d45

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Unlike me, who found the winter in Seoul unbearably cold, Lee Seungwon came out into the garden wearing only jeans and a knit that didn’t seem too thick. And he found me and approached me without the slightest hesitation. Every time he took a step, the grass, faded to a desolate color, crumbled like tinder. I smelled a faint mint scent. It must be the smell of the cigarettes he smoked that had permeated his body odor. He came close enough to me that I could smell his body odor and stood next to me, looking down at the scenery beyond the wall like me.35ee4ab8fd61726a

I ran f6f2bc1a03 my hand 4fa68271c9 over my b6d615c1e9 stiff neck. I had to 089e0781a9 say something. He had a 7b26bdc757 weakness of mine. A weakness 7bb3ac6e44 that my 63c41c4d32 stepfather would c4fe54003c try to 835f666d28 rape me 1d87da4d89 with if b689065d5e it got defc72c432 into his c174d6603e ears. Encountering him at Trax daf0dc5cf6 was not a wonderful fbe5712adb coincidence but the worst 8d39c06e9e coincidence. I was reminded aa1124f4c4 of how he 57ac9fa212 had enjoyed ignoring b6c9f8684a my eyes at 8d88761b77 the dinner table 0e423dd521 last night, which 58d1a5a636 had asked him 8ff809a9a2 to pretend that fb4e440815 the chance encounter 8d0f5f1505 had never happened.facd43aa1055ae69

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“…”69566e8b2eab42e1

I gripped my collar tightly. I could see the trajectory of his breath in my field of vision, which didn’t turn around. Quite a bit of time passed as we endured without saying anything to each other. My lips were already frozen blue and trembling. Even though I had a coat draped over my shoulders, I was cold, but Lee Seungwon reacted insensitively to the cold. Impatience and patience ran out first.5d583d85e3a2e0f0

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“We met a few days ago. Do you remember?”b661633a8c4f1cd9

“It looks cold.”07defbba65765c42

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He replied briefly. It wasn’t an answer to my question. With my lips frozen blue, I turned to look at him. Lee Seungwon’s eyes were fixed on my lips. His eyes, which had been lowered, were lifted. It was a gaze that approached in a straight line. I shrugged off the cold and replied coldly, as if to say I could handle this much.129f1aa82fc1248a

“I think you’re colder than me.”62eff0252ec2dbf4

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“Is Seoul very cold? I heard you’ve only lived in California.”bb4efd7788ada746

“Yes, more than I thought.”d877a4380afef7d6

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I had lived in Korea for a while during my adolescence, but I didn’t want to correct him. Now was not the time to casually discuss the weather with that man’s son. I wasn’t in the mood to do that either.f2d16adbc6f53663

“I saw you in Itaewon.”7e6e9a39b30dd03d

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“Ah, yes.”ea1cf4612c32dbcd

At my words, which were returning to the main point, Lee Seungwon’s lips smiled languidly. He put both hands in the back pockets of his jeans and nodded lukewarmly, seriously gazing at the dawn scenery of his house, which he was encountering after a long time.75d9f47f87bde4dc

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“You’re the one who found my cell phone back then, right?”f1af843713cfe40e

I asked 110a07ed35 again in c563843454 a monotone 08892afdbe voice. Lee Seungwon 0bce64bbf6 looked at fd7d133d4a me. There was e4778ffb62 no reason b8ada6e199 to back bed04893c4 down. I met ac50edea8d his eyes.d0e109c2e01eec89

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“My mother doesn’t know I go to places like that… and I hope she never finds out.”952ba2f45d12b4ce

“…”1cc433a1e56e2733

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“I’m going back to America soon. Please pretend you don’t know until then. I have no intention of causing trouble in this house.”ad95b71df50e0564

I had expressed my 04837ff9da intentions enough. It was obvious 9feb636c7a that I would 821e7d5966 be seen as 6c5dddb82e a stepmother and 62b89a4dec her child who f91954c149 had come in 815e3cd80d to take advantage 8b67f57d85 of the wealth. There was a 56dc14cf88 need to draw 67b87eba69 a line against 8d358ae7fa his wariness.b924b235f18a396f

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“I heard you were very opposed to this marriage.”9acd4383bd29fe1b

I expected an answer that he would or wouldn’t do that, or that I shouldn’t worry. I was surprised by the completely unexpected words and asked back.c36f607f23913aa0

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“Did the President tell you that too?”08d79725b047f095

“Do you call my father President?”33b5d9a77880a355

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My face flushed for a moment at his question. I had been calling him Father in front of my stepfather. The word “Father” was enough to make him feel guilty. It was as if he had caught me using a different title on purpose. I made excuses even though I didn’t need to.2b7604d5d4049cee

“I don’t know him well yet, and it’s awkward. I haven’t even met him a few times.”583f531cc235396b

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“My father was talking as if he was very close to you.”25d85d93f1e9df65

“No, not at all. I don’t know him well.”62b1234864ef767f

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“…”78ed40f7176450aa

“My mother wanted it, so I just agreed. I didn’t even want to come out of America. I’m going back soon, and I won’t come out again.”d276d486a25181b6

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“I see.”f172e0d7edbbd9fa

He pretended to understand ambiguously. I said it clearly as if I were conveying a decided matter and glanced at his expression. That’s not what I wanted to say. I hesitated and opened my mouth as I watched his expression.fba1dbaebf71de3f

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“So… don’t tell anyone.”d0ace76bbdbbba77

“Tell them what?”ed2b4908e2e21d19

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“I went to a 0e5ac08c7f place like that. I’m sure your parents 967747aa3f don’t know either. Please, let’s not d145433e70 out each other.”406325013ea208d4

“I never said I b43e1d6728 was gay.”7e49049d1f5cbf65

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“…”8987d4c1d6709051

“So, anyone a637915adf who goes b24bcc7e4d to a 2d25157997 place like 3ce5dd2dc9 that is 2e97b0615f gay?”443ad2bbfebb8384

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I froze like ee8daefcfa a stone. Only then did I 0f01e912e1 realize that if I 25628a4395 had just pretended not 03db5cd7c4 to know and moved e61e55d3c8 on, this topic would ea5bb4d150 never have resurfaced. I had just 4248856e21 assumed he was a8082b3747 one of my bada3d5358 kind. Seungwon chuckled 70948c4a3c as I e30e12bdac stared blankly, acf3ca3004 unable to 62015bf30d say anything b09a4fb683 in my e95b994f01 embarrassment.9ea6b667001b2d69

“Well, I wasn’t c0ea9a2457 planning on saying 2befc4c3d5 anything from the fa673c6aec start. Don’t worry.”8b29959fa383d50e

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“…I’m sorry if I 60ec2477df misunderstood.”2dad22e78c8d4890

“Didn’t things work out with the guy you went out with? If you’re going back to America soon.”d212c434a16c9970

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He was talking about e421e25f79 the man who had 9691260547 been roughly exploring my 3f18b47039 lips in the elevator f28caa079a of Trax. To think 41903cd129 that his 98e7580d15 son had 40278fe03a caught us 2a737ddc28 in such fa37c488a5 a scene. I felt suffocated and 394ed90985 miserable. I had been on 7031bea136 my way to a 9a45d24c27 one-night stand. Whether he was eced4cae1c gay or not, 73a23f41e5 he couldn’t have d0d89c2224 missed the meaning d89b10fd45 of that scene. I decided 7e1d71595e not to dbb97534ec care what 059e17091d Seungwon thought dad19cddd0 of me. As long as 3292e320cd he didn’t tell 9b38c30a87 his father, he 0a2d75833d could think of 19877cebf2 me as a b4c2a649a8 cheap person who abba7f3a42 freely mingled with 60d3c1355a strangers for a bebe494c8b moment of pleasure. I was going 8ffefd385e back anyway. It didn’t matter. He was e531588b52 a man f4b25ded35 I would bac931bb9a never see 6e2ac805ec again.8d119170a2cfe35e

“Excuse me.”8c401e53b95cee86

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“When are 2baca20c6b you leaving?”7dc9f47c4d4dcf22

I didn’t answer Seungwon’s 8f3aefea31 question and turned away, b4fa3e2220 but I stopped halfway 9489b1811f when he called out 0dd4cf633e to me.fbb2cd874d082be6

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“Where to… to 1da16a3bb8 America?”9060ee18a122f30b

“Yes.”bf8b1d582271fb36

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“Sometime this week e151f617d7 or next.”9bfafc325945e3d8

I hadn’t even booked 49bde31db8 a plane ticket yet. I didn’t have a d936e1363f place to live there 8f77c22f24 or money to solve 0b048ca953 my immediate meals, but 03075d2212 I only had the 79d1cdce9a thought that I had f97e0eddc9 to leave no matter a92a2422f9 what. Whether it was this d7d9e6333d week or next, I 5282886978 just wanted to somehow 48fdf943c2 raise the money and ae187b5134 return to America, where 094461aaf3 no one was waiting 564ad56b70 for me.830cefaf786e580d

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“Well then.”10ac4aea2c1620f0

I made ff6c8f568d a perfunctory 1492b0ca24 nod and 9e99d8b7d2 was about a969a4e5b2 to turn c5c1e09d75 around when b7e66f85d9 Seungwon’s voice 40ab6c604a stopped me 0e2ebb3b9b again.d51afbfb26a77768

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“But why were you e08f4ef85c so opposed to the 628b0b8a33 marriage? I heard your life ac4f3a74ca wasn’t great.”e6737e6f6f09058d

“…”26ff7375a8da4083

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I, who had been 75e803da90 a step away from 663a3d8422 him, now had a 203f73a2c2 cold, frozen expression. I looked 7abb7be342 at him 14c86561b8 with eyes a076d56f45 colder than b84958aa64 the winter 455203b07a air that d3c0f0b73a had just 07db67c69a arrived. He looked 93fe73971f interested in bf83a183f9 my gaze, 6d5e431d06 his eyes e830367b22 sparkling. It seemed he found 0f31873b13 it fun to provoke 0293b977fe me.60f989717c8aaab0

“Since both our father 312487b9a3 and your mother are 9a7968f991 single anyway, isn’t it 03c5dff493 better for the children e96694ea65 if they remarry? I don’t know 48b4972ee1 about America, but 302016b76c in Korea, a 98748a780f single mother is f9346484a4 usually like a 84516d8058 burden that her 9ff7101811 son has to 522d295315 support until he 9039cfea8d dies. If your 19a8a71957 life wasn’t cedae8eaf2 easy, it 5e43319713 must have fb76124a0a been quite e1487fd419 a burden. If I 20c980ed12 were you, c53037eba8 I would af389236fb have welcomed f276aba5f7 my father’s 1ed791304b remarriage with d7689fb9ba open arms.”7bff558556c632d2

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“…”7b9e8e51ffe524d8

I had 5dbbfa8821 to say d638aeb26f something. It was a 56f3edacba question that his 493580e7e1 son might be c1a9b1ce8d curious about. As he said, 8af245235f a single mother f6be3f81e4 with no ability 0b78d11d9d was a heavy 2bdc394b47 burden on a 50139697bc difficult life. If someone, especially a 89eb501383 man with wealth, were 4e985c155c to remarry in their ea3b83977a twilight years, my natural ccc87fbf60 reaction would be to b3a86d22e3 appease and encourage my eed05ea13b mother, who would rather 017f463dc1 refuse and reject it. But I eb957de34d had vehemently 8f0f421a63 opposed this 047dbdc44b marriage. This marriage 154ad0dde9 had created 656caad518 a deep 47d5f8b86e rift between 802eab8e7c my mother 669cb98b28 and me e448ad48ab that could 27f665688c never be fa75d5f077 bridged, and e79f9f2fea I was 66dbaebc81 exhausted from 16611f8853 the constant 25592cb69e discord and 94a299091b fighting. That’s how strongly I 88e0aef979 had opposed it.8dcefd8ddb293315

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“Was there e7a1efd739 some problem e7bd0fbcd4 that made 7459030ea5 the marriage ba13f115a9 impossible?”6e9b2dd0c92c20fd

“It’s not 01cb314798 that, it’s…”08acbcf806059a9a

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“If there’s something wrong bbafd8053f with your mother, you 2772d9b127 should tell him before 1f07b59029 the marriage.”a4e26d46a7ca6fe3

“It’s not like 88e8f5e90b that. To be honest, 09dd1c7904 my mother was 19e3ae456d attracted to the bcbd6327cf President’s wealth. I opposed 162a194bf5 it because 69fb3c902d I didn’t d787ba63eb think it fb5275dba6 was a e680e318aa marriage based d566c7c8f4 on liking 65dcb29537 and love.”e55acc685faf4733

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Seungwon looked dumbfounded d0fac559be at my words. He soon de81d4320a burst out d3c05c5dec laughing. His laughter filled the 990f8c9746 dawn air.0222c56ffc78ae3d

“You’re an interesting 59e646d091 person.”135cc6ca7065ece3

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“…”8597c6c43bb436a0

“You opposed the marriage 01c58aa28c because it wasn’t based 766dc64bcd on love? You opposed 2c036f0f5c it because c6fcfa5627 it was c65d186f22 a remarriage 7585a34cea for money…?”f8b9c6f8dac6da99

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He asked c99df421fb back as f008fedc2e if he e4b469e858 couldn’t believe 63e557d885 it.0e1a95c26a238f40

“…”4fe72711e85e6380

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“You didn’t seem 22357eb285 naive enough to 1300955081 think such ridiculous 4f3a4467f2 things when I cc6e7e227a saw you then?”0fff8d081fb92064