WBWB | Chapter 45

Although he wasn’t concerned with his appearance, he knew he wasn’t monstrously ugly.

Continuing his futile contemplation, he eventually realized it was pointless. What would change even if he found an answer? Instead of dwelling on it, he resolved never to accept her back, even if she regretted her decision and came crawling back to him.

‘Yeah, who does she think she is?’

With that thought, the idea of dismissing her from her tutoring position for refusing his offer seemed ridiculous. Baldr decided to pretend as if it never happened. However, their weekly dinners naturally ceased, and he returned to dining alone.

‘This is more convenient.’

Being alone was more comfortable. He told himself he wasn’t lonely or empty.

* * *

After that, despite my apprehension, nothing happened. My monotonous life—teaching Lady Ana during the day, occasionally participating in dance lessons, and spending the rest of my time as I pleased—continued as if it would never end.

During that time, the Duke remained out of sight. I didn’t encounter him by chance, nor did he summon me. Two months after his proposition, I realized he had no intention of punishing me for my refusal.

‘I see. This is the end.’

I had expected him to threaten me again, to force me to accept his offer, or to demote me to some dreadful task out of spite. But it simply ended just like that. I should have been relieved, but strangely, the thought that it was over… left a hollow ache in my chest. Had I, perhaps, been hoping he would come crawling back to me?

‘Am I really insane?’

I had clearly lost my mind the moment I’d allowed myself to fall for him.

‘I must be crazy.’

Not seeing the Duke for months also brought another realization: all our previous encounters, even the ones I had believed to be coincidental, had been orchestrated by him.

Since when had he been interested in me? It was strange that I was still thinking about this after being disappointed by him. But I couldn’t stop thinking about him.Every night, I replayed the scene in my head, wondering what his reaction would have been if I’d accepted his offer.

‘Would he have been happy?’

I seemed to be thinking about him even more than before.

‘Or would he have lost all interest, thinking I was an easy woman?’

And so, spring passed. Both his birthday and mine came and went, without incident.

And then, before summer arrived, I heard that the Duke had left for another expedition. My first thought wasn’t relief at not having to avoid him, but anxiety, wondering if he might get hurt or even die.

‘Does he go on these expeditions every year? Risking his life?’

It was a thought I hadn’t had last year.

‘Does he have to lead the expeditions himself? Can’t he just send his soldiers instead?’

As my thoughts spiraled towards the possibility of his death, fear gripped me.

‘What will happen to me if he dies? What will I do?’

And at the heart of that fear, I realized that I still loved him.

‘If he dies, my heart will break.’

Yes, I was still in love with him, even though I had been disappointed by his proposition. And even as I believed I had fallen out of love with him due to my disappointment, I was still thinking only of him. Not out of fear of what he might do to me for rejecting him, but simply because I loved him.

‘What if he’s fatally wounded, or even killed?’

After he left the mansion, I worried about him day and night. Whether I was sitting or standing, eating or teaching, I was consumed by thoughts of him. Those sleepless nights became frequent again.

But I had no right to worry about him. Because I was nothing to him.

* * *

Leaving the mansion, Baldr felt a sense of relief. 

Honestly, he had been suffering so much during his stay at the estate that he had been looking forward to the day of the expedition. Not only was the sting of rejection still fresh, but he feared he might not be able to resist approaching Jeanne if he stayed any longer.

‘Why?’

With each passing day, curiosity gnawed at him.

‘Why did Jeanne refuse my offer?’

He desperately wanted to know. He wanted to summon her and demand an answer.

Is it because of my bloodline, which those from the mainland secretly despise? Do you also think of me as a barbarian? Or is it my appearance that displeases you?

Or is there someone else you have in mind back where you came from? Are you in love with another? A nobleman, or a prince? Or perhaps… you’re not interested in men at all? Was that the reason you’ve remained unmarried until now?

Knowing the reason might bring him some peace of mind. And if it was something he could fix, he might even try. If she preferred thinner men, or heavier men…

‘But why should I change? She has no intention of accepting me, even if I beg for another chance and grovel at her feet.’

Sometimes, he wanted to ask her something else.

Do you even understand what you rejected? A position of great power with little responsibility. A position where you could do whatever you pleased. Did you reject my offer knowing full well what I could do for you if you accepted?

If Jeanne had accepted his offer right then and there, Baldr would have given her anything she desired.

If she had asked him to restore her family’s fortune, he would have granted them land, even a title. If she wanted to live with her family, he would have sent a carriage to bring them here in Skadi. Then she wouldn’t have to yearn for them with that melancholic look in her eyes.

And that wasn’t all. 

His territory might be harsh, but it was rich in minerals. If she wished, she could adorn herself in jewels from head to toe and fill the rooms of the ducal residence with beautiful dresses. If she only wished. Hadn’t she said she liked books? His library would have been hers, and everything else he possessed as well.

Did Jeanne truly understand the magnitude of what she had rejected? He desperately wanted to know, but there was no way to find out other than asking her directly.

However, he couldn’t bring himself to ask. He didn’t want to appear as if he were surrendering to her, begging and pleading for her love.

Believing that the start of the war would free him from all of these unanswered questions, Baldr left the mansion with his soldiers. He convinced himself that the chaos of the battlefield would clear his mind full of questions and extinguish his feelings for her.

But he was wrong. Once the fighting began, he could only momentarily forget about her. But at night, as he tried to sleep… or whenever he had a moment to rest, she was the first thing that came to mind. He felt like he was losing his mind.

‘What is Jeanne doing now? Is she reading? She can use the library freely now that I’m gone. Or is she writing letters she can’t send? Is she eating? It must be lesson time now. Has her dancing improved?’

Far from the mansion, on the edge of his territory, Baldr realized, once again, that he was not in his right mind.

‘She must be enjoying herself, now that I’m gone. She can now use the library as she pleases…’

Being far away only intensified his curiosity, and it made him miss her even more, and he worried about her constantly, even though she was probably relaxing and enjoying her newfound freedom in his absence.

‘Yes, she must be relieved. More so than before. She’s probably not even thinking about me.’

Not worrying about him at all, probably hoping he would stay away as long as possible. Even though he knew this, Baldr couldn’t stop caring.