WBWB | Chapter 43

With the arrival of spring, I started venturing outside the mansion again. Although I rarely encountered the Duke if I avoided the library, being in the same space was agonizing. Riding Brulee outside and breathing in the fresh air felt liberating.

‘I finally feel alive.’

By then, I was exhausted. I had learned, through experience, how difficult it was to be in love. Thinking constantly about a man who didn’t see me as a woman felt like a curse.

If only I could avoid seeing him altogether. The Friday dinners had become increasingly painful. The more I saw him, the more acutely aware I became of my own position. My lowly status as a criminal and exile. How insignificant I was compared to him.

‘Why did I have to fall in love with him? With the Duke of Skadi, of all people?’

Love made me desire him recklessly. The more I saw him, the more I wanted to touch him, to be close to him. Was it even possible? Reason held me back, but the desire, the yearning, persisted. One night, I dreamt of kissing him while he slept, and I realized just how far gone I was.

Still, the arrival of spring and the cool, fresh air seemed to quell the fever somewhat, like a splash of water on hot metal.

I rode Brulee all over the estate. I visited the lakeshore where Lady Ana had almost drowned, ventured near the hunting grounds, and stopped by the apple orchard.

The trees, once laden with apples, were now covered in delicate buds. Some, eager to embrace the new season, had already burst into bloom. Captivated by the sight of the pink-tinged white blossoms, I stopped Brulee, and as fate would have it, I found myself face to face with the Duke, astride his black steed. 

Speak of the devil.

I tried to quickly excuse myself, but our eyes met first. He rode towards me.

“Let’s dismount and take a walk.”

For some reason, he looked slightly annoyed.

At his words, I dismounted. He did the same, and we tied our horses and began walking. The budding trees swayed in the breeze. He walked with his hands behind his back, silent for a long time, then stopped abruptly.

“Have I done something wrong?”

“Pardon?”

“Have I offended you in some way?”

I couldn’t understand his question. As I blinked in confusion, he pressed further.

“If that’s not the case, why are you avoiding me? You’ve stopped coming to the library that you used to visit as if it were your own home, you barely touch your food during our dinners and avoid looking at me, and whenever our eyes meet, you look startled and lower your head. Have I upset you? Tell me.”

“…”

“Why aren’t you saying anything?”

I felt my breath catch in my throat. I knew I should come up with a plausible excuse, but my mind went blank. What could I possibly say to him?

That I had fallen in love with him since the day he gave me the book? With him? That the very sight of him, a man so far beyond my reach, was a torment, and I had no choice but to avoid him to protect myself from the pain? That seeing him made me want him, that I wanted to hold his hand, to touch his face, to kiss him, and the very thought of such desires filled me with shame, making it impossible to meet his gaze?

That I hadn’t realized how agonizing unrequited love could be, that if I weren’t an exile in this place, I would have quit my job, packed my bags, and run away, waiting for this hopeless feeling to fade? But that I couldn’t as I was trapped here, so this feeling continued to burn within me?

“…”

I couldn’t say any of that. Because the moment I spoke, everything would be over. Seeing my silence, his expression hardened.

“Your silence tells me I’ve hit a nerve.”

“No, that’s not it…”

“Then what is it?”

The Duke stepped closer, almost pressing against me.

“Why are you treating me like this?”

I instinctively flinched and took a step back.

“Has something else happened?”

“Well, I, that…”

And then, a plausible excuse came to mind.

“The reason I haven’t been to the library is… I’ve been busy writing letters in my room.”

“Letters?”

Yes. To avoid thinking about him, I had been confining myself to my room, writing letters I didn’t even know if I could send.

“Letters to whom?”

He asked, his eyes narrowed with suspicion.

“To Prince Mael?”

His question was strange.

“To my mother and brother.”

“…”

“I’ve been writing, hoping that I might be able to send letters again, and that’s why I haven’t been able to visit the library. And if I’ve been quiet, it’s because I… I’ve been thinking about my family. Writing letters made me miss them, and I seem to have unintentionally caused Your Grace a misunderstanding.”

The words flowed smoothly because they weren’t entirely untrue. I could see his harsh expression soften slightly. To prove my words were sincere, I looked up and met his gaze.

“I see.”

He looked back at me. My heart pounded, but I couldn’t look away or lower my gaze.

He was the one who averted his gaze first, looking up at the trees above us as if admiring them. Then, he remained silent for a long while.

“I understand how you feel. But what good will come from wallowing in sadness? Your family back home wouldn’t want you to be sad.”

I nodded.

“It’s time to think about settling down.”

He fell silent again. His prolonged silence made me follow his gaze upwards. He was looking at apple blossom buds sprouting at the end of a branch. I looked at it too, for a long time.

“A new…”

He suddenly spoke.

“Wouldn’t it be good to have a new… family?”

“Pardon?”

“…You’re a grown woman. It wouldn’t be strange if you already had two or three children at your age.”

I couldn’t understand what he meant.

‘What is he talking about?’

He looked at me again.

“When you become an adult, you start a new family, and you part ways with your old one. That’s the way of the world.”

“…”

“What I’m trying to say is… if you miss your family so much… wouldn’t it be good to create a new family here… and forget about your longing?”

“…”

“Because you’ll be spending the rest of your life here, whether you like it or not.”

I tried to understand his words, but they were… incomprehensible.

“How am I supposed to create a new family here?”

“…”

“Are you suggesting I get a dog or a cat?”

Was he suggesting I get a pet to alleviate my loneliness? I had considered it. I sometimes saved bread crusts and fed them to the stray cats in the courtyard. The cats here were larger and fluffier unlike the ones in Franc.

“That’s not what I meant. How can an animal be family?”

“Then how…?”

His words were like riddles, riddles I couldn’t solve.

“I don’t understand. Who would want to start a family with me? As you said, I’m old enough to have three children, yet I’m an exiled criminal. Furthermore, my family is now ruined, practically disowned. Who would want to associate with me?”

“I will.”

Even after hearing those words, it took me a moment to understand him. A shiver ran down my spine, as if struck by lightning. I stared at him, wide-eyed, wondering if I had heard correctly. The Duke’s eyes, looking back at me, seemed deeper and more beautiful than ever before.

“If you wish, I can be your family.”

“…”

“I know this is sudden, and you must be surprised. But I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer. I knew I would tell you eventually, but I didn’t expect it to be today.”

He took a shaky breath.

“Would you… consider my proposal? I’ll give you time to think about it. I’ll wait for your answer.”

His words made me wonder if I was dreaming.

“I… like you. I would like you to be mine.”

I couldn’t speak, my breath caught in my throat, my heart overflowing with joy. It was… a truly perfect moment, one of those rare, exquisite moments in life. A beautiful moment to cherish until my dying breath.

“I would like to take you as my mistress.”

Except for the fact that his next words shattered that perfect moment into a million piece