WBWB | Chapter 43

With spring’s arrival, I started venturing outside the mansion again. Although I rarely encountered him if I avoided the library, being in the same space was agonizing. Riding Brulee and breathing in the fresh air felt liberating.

‘I finally feel alive.’

By then, I was exhausted. I had learned, through experience, how difficult it was to be in love. Thinking constantly about a man who didn’t see me as a woman felt like a curse.

If only I could avoid seeing him altogether. The Friday dinners had become increasingly painful. The more I saw him, the more aware I became of my own lowly status as a criminal and exile. How insignificant I was compared to him.

‘Why did I have to fall in love with him? With Duke Skadi, of all people?’

Love made me desire him recklessly. The more I saw him, the more I wanted to touch him, to be close to him. Was it even possible? Reason held me back, but the yearning persisted. One day, I dreamt of kissing him while he slept, and I realized just how far gone I was.

Still, spring’s arrival and the cool, fresh air seemed to quell the burning somewhat, like water poured on hot metal.

I rode Brulee all over the estate. I visited the lakeshore where Lady Ana had almost drowned, ventured near the hunting grounds, and stopped by the apple orchard.

The trees, once laden with apples, were now covered in delicate buds. Some, impatient, had already burst into bloom. Captivated by the sight of the pink-tinged white blossoms, I stopped Brulee, and as fate would have it, I encountered him and his black steed again. Speak of the devil.

I tried to leave quickly, but our eyes met first. He rode towards me.

“Let’s dismount and take a walk.”

For some reason, he looked slightly annoyed.

I dismounted. He did the same, and we tied our horses and began walking. The budding trees swayed in the breeze. He walked with his hands behind his back, silent for a long time, then stopped abruptly.

“Have I done something wrong?”

“Pardon?”

“Did I offend you in some way?”

I couldn’t understand his question. As I blinked in confusion, he pressed further.

“If not, why are you avoiding me? You’ve stopped coming to the library, you barely touch your food during our dinners and avoid looking at me, and whenever our eyes meet, you look startled and lower your head. Did I upset you? Tell me.”

“…”

“Why are you silent?”

I felt my breath catch in my throat. I knew I should come up with a plausible excuse, but my mind went blank. What could I possibly say to him?

That I had fallen in love with him since the day he gave me the book? With him? That he was someone so far beyond my reach that even looking at him was painful, so I had no choice but to avoid him? That seeing him made me want him, that I wanted to hold his hand, to touch his face, to kiss him, and that the shame of those desires made it impossible for me to meet his gaze?

That I hadn’t realized how agonizing unrequited love could be, that if I weren’t an exile, I would have packed my bags and run away, waiting for this hopeless feeling to fade? But that I couldn’t, so this feeling continued to burn within me?

“…”

I couldn’t say any of that. Confessing would be the end of everything. Seeing my silence, his expression hardened.

“Your silence tells me I’ve hit a nerve.”

“No, that’s not it…”

“Then what is it?”

The Duke stepped closer.

“Why are you treating me like this?”

I instinctively stepped back.

“Has something else happened?”

“Well, I, that…”

Then, a plausible excuse came to mind.

“The reason I haven’t been to the library is… I’ve been writing letters in my room.”

“Letters?”

Yes. To avoid thinking about him, I had been confining myself to my room, writing letters I didn’t even know if I could send.

“Letters to whom?”

He asked, his gaze still suspicious.

“To Young Master Mael?”

His question was strange.

“To my mother and brother.”

“…”

“I’ve been writing letters, hoping for a chance to send them, and that’s why I haven’t been to the library. And if I’ve been quiet, it’s because I… I’ve been thinking about my family. Writing letters made me miss them, and I seem to have caused Your Grace a misunderstanding.”

The words flowed smoothly because they weren’t entirely untrue. His harsh expression softened slightly. To prove my sincerity, I looked up and met his gaze.

“I see.”

He looked at me. My heart pounded, but I couldn’t look away.

He was the one who averted his gaze first, looking up at the trees as if admiring them. He remained silent for a long time.

“I understand how you feel. But what good will come from wallowing in sadness? Your family wouldn’t want you to be sad.”

I nodded.

“It’s time to think about settling down.”

He fell silent again. His prolonged silence made me follow his gaze. He was looking at an apple bud at the tip of a branch. I looked at it too, for a long time.

“A new…”

He suddenly spoke.

“Wouldn’t it be good to have a new… family?”

“Pardon?”

“…You’re an adult, aren’t you? You’re old enough to have three children.”

I couldn’t understand what he meant.

‘What are you trying to say?’

He looked at me again.

“When you become an adult, you start a new family and leave your old one behind. That’s the way of the world.”

“…”

“What I’m trying to say is… if you miss your family so much… wouldn’t it be good to create a new family here… and forget about your longing?”

“…”

“Because you’ll be spending the rest of your life here, whether you like it or not.”

I tried to understand his words, but they were… incomprehensible.

“How can I create a new family here?”

“…”

“Are you suggesting I get a dog or a cat?”

Was he suggesting I get a pet to alleviate my loneliness? I had considered it. I sometimes saved bread crusts and fed them to the cats in the courtyard. The cats here were larger and fluffier than the ones in Franc.

“That’s not what I meant. How can an animal be family?”

“Then how…?”

His words were like riddles, riddles I couldn’t solve.

“I don’t understand. Who would want to start a family with me? As you said, I’m an exiled criminal, old enough to have three children. Furthermore, my family is now ruined, practically disowned. Who would want to associate with me?”

“I will.”

It took me a moment to understand his words. A shiver ran down my spine, as if struck by lightning. I looked at him, my eyes wide with disbelief. The Duke’s eyes, looking back at me, seemed deeper and more beautiful than ever before.

“If you wish, I can be your family.”

“…”

“I know this is sudden, and you must be surprised. But I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer. I knew I would tell you eventually, but I didn’t expect it to be today.”

He took a shaky breath.

“Would you consider my proposal? I’ll give you time to think about it. I’ll wait for your answer.”

His words made me wonder if I was dreaming.

“I… like you. I would like you to be mine.”

I couldn’t speak, my breath caught in my throat with joy. It was… a truly perfect moment, one of the few in life. A beautiful moment to cherish until my dying breath.

“I would like to take you as my mistress.”

Except that his next words shattered that perfect moment into a million pieces.