WBWB | Chapter 42

Having a lover wasn’t considered a flaw, even if you were married; in fact, not having one was seen as a sign of lacking charm. Young noblemen, even those engaged or married, often flirted with me. Of course, their fiancées and wives also had their own lovers.

It was a disillusioning sight, even if marriage was just a contract between families. I kept a tight rein on my emotions, refusing to succumb to such temptations. And until now, no one had been able to loosen those tightly held reins. 

No one.

But what was happening to me? This unsettling feeling in my stomach…

It was just the unexpected encounter with my grandfather’s book that had unsettled me. I tried to convince myself, taking deep breaths. 

I placed the book on the desk and opened it, trying to compose myself, my grandfather’s handwriting scattered throughout its pages. Was it coincidence or fate that the first fable I came across was titled “Madness Leading Blind Love”?

 

In the time when Love was not blind, Love and Madness played together, until a quarrel arose between them. 

In the heat of the argument, Madness, enraged, stabbed Love’s eyes, and Love became blind. Love could not take a single step without a cane, and nothing could compensate for the harm done except restoring its sight.

Love cried out, clutching its eyes, appealing to the gods for help.

The other gods, understanding the situation, ordered Madness to become Love’s lost eyes. From that time on, Madness became Love’s servant, its guide.

 

There, next to the fable, was a conversation I had had with my grandfather.

Grandfather, what does it mean that Madness guides Love?

You’ll understand when you’re older.

I was nine years old when I first read this book, and I couldn’t understand this fable, no matter how many times I read it. The love I knew back then was for my family. My love was neither blind nor anywhere near madness.

But what about now? 

A chill ran down my spine as I read the fable I had long forgotten because I felt like I finally understood its meaning. Naturally. Intuitively.

Love, regardless of its object, arrives hand-in-hand with madness.

Could it be… that I was falling in love? 

Because of a single book he had given me?

‘That’s impossible.’

A premonition of unease washed over me, and I shook my head, closing the book. I no longer felt like reading and went to bed early.

But even after extinguishing the lamp and lying in bed with my eyes closed, sleep wouldn’t come.

Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump.

My heart continued to race.

I couldn’t sleep at all that night. If only it had been just that one night. For three nights in a row, someone’s face kept appearing in my mind as soon as I closed my eyes, preventing me from sleeping, despite my exhaustion.

During those sleepless nights, all I could think about were his eyes. Those cold yet beautiful eyes, like jewels. Those shining eyes. Why hadn’t I noticed their beauty before?

‘If only I had known, I would have been more careful.’

Even with my eyes closed, his face wouldn’t disappear. Not just his eyes, but everything about him came to mind: his hair, his face, the strong lines of his jaw, his broad shoulders, even his large hands that had covered mine. 

I had never been conscious of these things before, but now that I was, I couldn’t get them out of my head. I felt like I was going crazy. Or perhaps I already was.

‘What is wrong with me?’

Meanwhile, the day of our weekly dinner was fast approaching.

I anticipated and dreaded it at the same time, wanting to escape from a strange sense of unease. I didn’t know if I wanted to see him or not. 

Throughout the day, my emotions swung wildly between anxiety and calmness, unable to control my emotions. My heart was like the weather here, sunny one moment, then a blizzard the next, plunging everything into darkness, just like the unpredictable sky of Skadi. I couldn’t understand, let alone control, my own emotions.

‘Me? Suddenly falling for him? That’s impossible.’

I tried to deny it.

‘Could it be… that the first man I’ve ever fallen in love with is the Duke of Skadi?’

If someone had told me this on the day I arrived, I wouldn’t have believed it. Back then, he had seemed like a monster from a folktale. How could I possibly fall in love with him?

And then, the day of our dinner arrived.

It was an ordinary day, like any other. The only thing that had changed was my heart.

As dinner time drew closer, I felt increasingly breathless and restless. I tried on and discarded several dresses, none of them feeling quite right. I styled and restyled my hair, putting it up, then taking it down again.

It was all futile, of course. Had this man ever been swayed by a woman, even once in his life?

‘No, in the first place… what am I even thinking? What do I hope to gain by trying to impress him?’

My heart wavered, even though he wasn’t even trying to sway me. Even though he didn’t even know I was flustered.

As I fussed and fretted, a storm raged outside the window. The bare branches of the trees bent and swayed as if they would collapse at any moment, some of them breaking under the force of the wind.

In the end, I chose the first dress I had tried on. Exhausted just from getting dressed, I decided to let things be. Would he even notice or remember what I was wearing? The thought brought a hollow laugh to my lips.

‘He wouldn’t.’

I must have been momentarily swayed by his kindness. I couldn’t possibly have fallen in love with him. I gathered my composure, determined not to waver, and entered the dining hall. But the moment I saw him, sitting there as always, waiting for me, sent my carefully constructed defenses crumbling. 

And I knew.

‘Ah.’

I was consumed by madness.

I sat down, unable to meet his gaze.

“You’re quiet tonight,” he commented during the meal.

“Oh, yes.”

“And you’re barely touching your food… Doesn’t it suit your taste?”

“Not at all! The food is… as always, delicious. I just… I’m not feeling well tonight.”

Truthfully, it wasn’t my body that felt unwell, but my heart. I barely registered the taste of the food that night. 

He keenly noticed my strange behavior and asked, and my voice shook terribly as I hastily offered an excuse. He expressed concern and said he would send me some warm tea after dinner. His kindness made my heart ache.

Why was he so kind to me? 

I already knew the answer. Because I was Lady Ana’s tutor. Because I was difficult to replace, and Lady Ana liked me. The obvious conclusion was a bitter pill to swallow.

Although he was kind, his actions held no deeper meaning. But then what was this turbulent emotion within me? It was beyond my comprehension.

He was like a sudden gust of winter wind, invading my lungs, chilling me to the bone, leaving me aching and shivering. Like a cold.

That night, drinking the tea meant to soothe my body, I made a decision.

‘I have to hide it.’

Logically, there was only one thing I could do. Treat this as an illness and pray for it to pass naturally.

Once I acknowledged I was ill, I tried to distract myself. I spent more time with Brulee and avoided the library. During our dinners, I spoke as little as possible, avoiding his gaze, and whenever his image haunted my thoughts, I sat at my desk, lit the lamp, and wrote letters.

But even as I wrote, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I would be writing about my well-being, and a groan of pain would escape my lips. I was tormented by the urge to confess my feelings in my letters to my sister.

‘What is wrong with me?’

That I had fallen in love with someone I shouldn’t have, here, of all places. That I was nurturing feelings that could never be reciprocated, feelings I shouldn’t even wish for.

But I couldn’t bring myself to write those words. Like someone unable to confess their true feelings even in their diary, I kept my emotions hidden, only suffering in silence. Hoping that someday, I would recover.

* * *

As I wrestled with my inner turmoil, the long winter finally passed, and spring arrived.

A warm, gentle rain, unlike any before, fell upon the frozen land, softening it, and soon everything that had been frozen solid began to thaw. 

The wind was still chilly, but when the sun shone, it was warm enough to go outside without a coat. The lake thawed, and the deer came to drink at the water’s edge, no longer needing to paw through the snow.