WBWB | Chapter 32

‘Even if it’s not entirely true…?’

That thought stirred something within Baldr.

‘Should I have not read those letters?’

In the darkness, he opened and closed his eyes repeatedly.

‘But inspecting an exile’s letters is a guarantor’s duty, isn’t it?’

Of course, Baldr had never personally bothered with such a trivial task before. But honestly, he would be lying if he said he wasn’t curious about the contents of her letters.

Contrary to his fearsome reputation, Duke Skadi is a very kind man. Have I ever dined with an employer so frequently while working as a tutor? Or been given such a nice room? No matter how difficult the work is, it’s bearable when the people are kind. I’m doing very well. You might not believe it, but perhaps even better than at court.

And now, having read the letters, his curiosity was satisfied, but his mind was in turmoil.

‘Is this… normal?’

Why was he so restless? Was this what it felt like to harbor feelings for someone? This fluttering in his chest, this inability to think straight?

He wondered if it was some kind of illness.

‘I need to sleep. Just sleep.’

He tried to forget everything and fall asleep, but his heart was too full, too excited, aching as if it were bruised, making sleep impossible. He opened his eyes.

‘I can’t stand this.’

Unable to lie still, Baldr got out of bed. He parted the curtains, and the full moon shone brightly. The sight of the moon made his heart flutter even more.

He saw the woman’s face in the full moon. Baldr closed his eyes tightly and drew the curtains.

‘Is this normal?’

In the dead of night, when everyone was surely asleep, he suddenly felt the urge to talk to the tutor, even if it meant waking her. The topic didn’t matter; he didn’t even need to touch her. 

He just… wanted to see her face. That was all. 

Wasn’t that a simple enough desire?

‘Is this what it feels like to miss someone? To the point of not being able to sleep?’

He could see her whenever he wanted, talk to her whenever he pleased. She was practically in the palm of his hand. She wasn’t going anywhere.

But he wanted to talk to her now.

‘Should I walk around the mansion?’

He had run into her by chance before. He had been wandering the hallways like a sleepwalker because he couldn’t sleep. He had wandered through the halls, the drawing-room, the library, and then he had encountered her on her way back to her room.

But he shook his head, stopping himself. He hadn’t just encountered the tutor. He had startled several servants in the past few days and had finally stopped wandering the mansion at night.

‘Or should I wake her? What if I’m not the only one who can’t sleep?’

He just wanted to talk. That was all. Perhaps a conversation would calm his restless heart.

‘What’s wrong with wanting to talk? I don’t intend to do anything else. She reads to Ana when she can’t sleep. And I can’t sleep either. Because of her. Shouldn’t she do the same for me?’

Baldr wanted to go to her room and knock on her door. But a shred of sanity stopped him. He was being ridiculous.

And then morning came.

‘I was out of my mind.’

As soon as the sun rose, he realized he had been acting crazy the previous night. Like a lycanthrope, driven mad by the full moon.

‘I’ll definitely do something I’ll regret if this continues.’

He was glad he hadn’t woken the tutor and asked her for a moonlit stroll, but there was no guarantee it wouldn’t happen again. Thus, he needed a plan.

Baldr spent the entire day devising that plan. 

The best course of action was… to acknowledge his feelings. 

To admit that he was falling for her and take her as his mistress (aka another woman/kept woman). That was the best he could do for now.

‘It wouldn’t be a bad offer for her either. To become my mistress.’

How many more years could she work as Ana’s tutor? Five at most? Baldr knew that Jeanne saved most of her earnings in her family’s account. Judging by her letters, her family wasn’t in a position to support themselves.

Even after her tutoring job ended, Jeanne couldn’t simply leave Skadi. She was bound by the terms of her exile. What could she possibly do afterward? Unless he showed her mercy.

Even as a mistress, with him having no wife, she would practically be the lady of the house. Even the King, who was vehemently opposed to his marriage, couldn’t interfere in a nobleman’s private affairs. 

Wouldn’t that be a good solution? 

But what if she bore him a son?

His thoughts spiraled.

‘I can worry about the succession later. The old man is on his last legs anyway, and what a new king needs most to consolidate his power is the loyalty of a powerful noble like me.’

…And so, Baldr began counting his chickens before they hatched, the chickens in his mind multiplying endlessly, laying eggs and becoming more chickens.

But returning to the starting point, the most important thing was the egg’s will. Did the egg want to hatch? And did he even want to try hatching it in the first place? Even if everything went according to plan, did Baldr have the will to acknowledge his feelings and confess his love?

Baldr hesitated as he reached that thought.

“…”

He had witnessed the fate of his father and brother. He knew how tragically their love stories had ended. He wasn’t sure he could avoid the same fate.

Confessing his love would be like handing over the reins of his life. 

What if the woman who held those reins wanted to ruin his life? What if she ordered him to give up everything he had, or if she hated him and turned his life into an empty shell? He couldn’t take that risk without knowing what kind of person Jeanne truly was.

‘Yes, I can’t just take her as my mistress.’

In the end, Baldr decided he needed to learn more about Jeanne. To determine if she was someone he could safely give his heart to. And secretly, he hoped to discover that he was in love with an illusion, not reality. Because what he truly desired wasn’t to fall in love, but to recover from this fever that threatened to consume him.

Having made up his mind, Baldr summoned Jeanne.

“You called for me, Your Grace?”

A few moments later, Jeanne stood before him, her expression bewildered.

‘Indeed…’

He looked at her for a long time, silently thinking.

‘…I am in love with her.’

He had briefly hoped that his feelings were a delusion, but she was undeniably lovely. Just looking at her. But objectively, Jeanne wasn’t a breathtaking beauty. Baldr couldn’t understand how this seemingly harmless woman had managed to unsettle him so deeply.

‘If she had been excessively beautiful, I would have been more cautious.’

But what could he do? It had already happened.

Baldr, wondering why he was speechless, finally addressed Jeanne, who was looking at him with a puzzled expression.

“I’d like to have dinner with you.”

“Oh, yes!”

“Every Friday from now on.”

“Pardon? From now on… every week… with me?”

Her eyes widened like a rabbit’s, and she clasped her hands, hesitating. Even her timidness seemed endearing to him now.

‘Am I really insane?’

Baldr felt like he was losing his mind.

“Your Grace, if I may be so bold, may I inquire as to the reason?”

“What else would we have to discuss besides Ana?”

Baldr’s voice was even more curt than usual, masking his turbulent emotions.

“I’ve been neglecting Ana’s education. I need to hear about her progress and your future teaching plans during our dinners.”