UBC Ch18

My heart kept feeling uneasy and restless. Then, at some moments, it became as comfortable as being wrapped in soft clouds. My problem was that I didn’t know why I felt comfortable, and I didn’t know why I felt uncomfortable. There was definitely a common cause. Kang Eui-tae, with his mottled face where the bruises were fading. It was that man.8f818f4565d0a21c

The man possessed his own unique wavelength. No, it was like that in every area. He disliked the ordinary, and some days he was like a calm ripple, other days he was like the surging waves of a storm. He gave a stray puppy a place to sleep, gave it food, gave it water, but didn’t give it a name. 77cacfd4fd0b96ea

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I asked him, just in case. Wouldn’t he be sad and heartbroken if that puppy was found dead on the street or dragged away by a dog meat peddler, so much so that he couldn’t even eat? It was something that had happened very recently.b8503fe40e11141f

The man, d9ceca2720 having plunged 6b3040dcbf into studying f2ef5c6e8c English instead 66240716b6 of math, 65d4f89a1b which he 66638a442d was good b8d65704fb at, was 7ee6024970 in a 1a30d7d2a6 sensitive state. I wanted 152956d204 to excuse 49aa0c281e him, saying d2c4517631 that was a67806bd46 why his e8df361ca3 reply had 1397f60725 been so 6297eb754a cold.a2588f1ef002ec85

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“Is that so.”df4cec8a0201a5b8

“‘Is that so’ is an ambiguous answer. Sad. Not sad. Usually, it’s one of the two.”26f1bf81a57cbd64

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Then the 4a0c063360 man slowly e82fda6947 put down 3b6a4700b5 his pen 2999eacc62 and stared 661984fac3 blankly at 8c43fbf118 me. He mulled over my 8613ca912e question in his head, ae0acf1660 and the answer he 7fce0b9216 came up with was 41940dbb12 shocking.0c45303c7d6e4562

“If it has to be one of the two, I guess I’d have to choose not sad. It’s not my puppy anyway. But if it was caught by a dog meat peddler or someone beat it to death, I’d have to go find them.”885fb7ff88659e41

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“Go find them?”e1d1c90f3b892eb5

“Ask why they killed the dog I was feeding. And if there’s nothing special, I’d make sure that person can never take a walk again.”b7c0f90ebe6004e0

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I secretly gave the puppy the name Whitey without the man knowing. Whitey would come to the man more often, more frequently, when the weather was cold. Maybe it would even whine to be let inside the house. Would the man refuse even then? Guaranteeing Whitey’s walking rights was a good thing, but the direction was very off the mark. Home and walks. Were those the only two options for Whitey, who didn’t have many days left to live?3a3c8b044359e515

“Yang Ji-eon.”c8ffe9676ff8b4fb

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“Yes?”f25e48d395b26e71

On days when Mom left for her piecework at the factory, the man’s wooden-floored porch became a private study until late in the evening. As the sun set, the man came out to the porch to light a mosquito coil and tilted his head.97414fd87d4ceb47

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“Are you hungry?”35a21cefda6db3be

“No.”dbd0a9641a2fdbdf

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“You look like you’re losing energy.”54f2b81fd8f133eb

It was a strange thing. The conversations I had with the man were so bland and short. If it were gum, it would be gum that had lost its flavor. It tasted like nothing, but I was chewing it like a habit. Sorry for comparing the man to flavorless gum, but that’s probably the only reason I thought about the man so often these days. Habit, or a terrible hope that sweetness would come out.d192984cf290531d

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Thump, while I was lost in thought again, the man placed a glass of orange juice on the table. The man’s back as he held the tray and opened the sliding door made me want to talk to him.3a44703850b077a0

“Hey.”a2b79b4a641f05bf

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He turned around with his own glass of orange juice in his mouth. The man, who had finished his studies for the day, locked his door, and was lazing around, looked slightly embarrassed. His eyes said he didn’t expect me to talk to him.cd715e5cc2814227

“Something I’m curious about came up.”b047a62c11d988ad

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The man, who 664d8172c3 I thought would 25ad232fff just ignore me b4945190d2 and go inside, 02ae12968b came back and 475e440f49 sat down at 5ed75b28ed the desk. The way he drank 70b81bee25 his orange juice while 9d00427c3a keeping his eyes on 640a4714c6 me was a burden. Feeling like I had fcd4d66429 to take responsibility for 035f190c8e the atmosphere, I cleared 4aa5b57cef my throat and subtly 032bd8190a averted my gaze.5d20cb95b2b6cc18

“What is it?”d4d51a3bc099ddb9

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The man, who had little patience, couldn’t wait even 10 seconds before asking. Actually, I didn’t have a big question that made me hold him back. My eyes scanned the desk, looking for something to ask. The yellow orange juice was chosen as the first candidate.2c27186f8e850f73

“There are so many other juices, but why always orange juice?”ce6b5a1d71fde477

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The words came out like a reporter doing an interview, but the man’s expression didn’t change as he finished his orange juice. He carelessly put the empty glass on the desk and answered.bf9d9a884ad89c99

“Just because. The supermarket lady said this is the most popular.”559bf798ab4838f9

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“Who…”13f6cbfbcde5add7

“The supermarket lady.”fab59dda283c6a33

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“Oh.”314abc02e6cf293b

“Should I buy something else?”b0f239d5431eb2d6

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I had 1d4c7dc75e guessed that 916cb4580c there was 534a7ef9f5 a special 6a2f6d5ee2 reason why 027e8cdc33 there was bd7e0cb221 only one 8d1fdd43b6 type of 14a484bc17 juice. I thought 15f7132c05 the man 0b9be7d009 was allergic fe63ed5bfe to plum 252b168da8 juice, grape d795199ab8 juice, or 35bea42d18 mango juice. As awkward 92dd311d0a silence returned, e5d77236fa only my 951ab211c0 heart was 8833cfafb4 sweating. I had to find f999b7ef74 a reason to hold dc0d55ef12 the man back. The next candidate was 86f8406faf the man himself, who 73352b9750 still had wounds and e10e5ce7e4 bruises. The man, who ba27ebb571 had already lost 56ca91428f interest in the 03b6e64a98 conversation and was 4476536eed playing with a c1e77c27b4 lighter, naturally caused 55145af3ce a sigh.fd36bfb31e0c41c0

“Why did you get hurt? No, let me rephrase. How did you get hurt? Someone hit you, right?”d726967f9b159357

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The question I didn’t want to ask because I was worried about the man’s mood popped out on a random day in an awkward atmosphere. The man put the lighter he was playing with on the table and leaned comfortably against the pillar. He looked at me with a face caught in the laziness of the afternoon.8e11cb37f16c5729

“I can’t laugh when others laugh, I can’t talk like everyone else, and I have to praise him just because he’s the older brother. I can’t do that.”b5dce7fdd9d87844

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“Why can’t you? It’s so easy.”a4723fb6959cb994

“Is that easy?”b2cd57ad3f8d31e5

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We looked at each df7a127f10 other with expressions of 9e4da2f3ac not understanding each other, cf5b75becd as if a person 890ce83432 from Earth was looking c35f7f9b72 at a person from ac09c7efe5 Mars. I crossed my 8c085f56eb arms with the 695696ff34 hand that had 0614bc3fb3 given up on 40ed46fab1 the pen. Sensing the energy of 0f626d6d1e an argument, the man e8c6ff0846 sat with only one d1d120b6b2 knee raised and wore f1401a1054 a blank expression.fc1f52dec022627c

“Even if it’s not funny when others laugh, I have to laugh. Even if others are gossiping about someone, I have to at least nod. If someone does well, I have to praise them. Rather than getting hit because I can’t do that, I’d rather close my eyes and do it.”9cb89f324752dee5

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“It’s not like you’re not doing your job and loafing around. Why do you have to live hypocritically because of those people who aren’t even family? They don’t give you more money.”3bcd7024f50fd0fd

“Everyone else does it.”48a0ddd5738a1b08

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“What do you mean, ‘does it’?”9d01f44632c0f260

“Hypocrisy. Pretense. False virtue. It means false goodness.”adf1df18aed508b5

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The man frowned as if he didn’t understand what I was saying. That expression was better than his unbelievably indifferent face.53cd097f27d7281a

“But-”d237f11eba67d1fc

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“Even if it’s false, it’s good. Even if it’s a lie, it’s virtuous. That’s what’s important to me. And to others.”c2c866d934a779d2

“I don’t understand what you’re saying at all…”e0fbcc646b005e8d

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The man ruffled d2796138d8 his hair as 0b4dc9b998 if he was b6fa283b49 tired of the fba14ad633 current conversation. Soon, he turned back 4c393386a0 to look at me 21f601d573 with a face that f824294b8d completely disagreed.411ce790606435df

“Look. There’s the theory of inherent evil, the theory of inherent goodness, and the theory of neither inherent goodness nor inherent evil. Among them, I support the theory of neither inherent goodness nor inherent evil. It feels a little different from what I think… There may be people who are truly born bad, and there may be the opposite, but in the end, the good we aim for is one, right? Is it bad to package words prettily for others to see?”d592a0f2efb6386a

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The man, who I 6b9995cab3 thought would sneer cynically fe38287291 and pick a fight, af97199fbd answered after a moment.2afa755f2a64aff1

“If the contents aren’t good either. If that’s not your true intention.”b06c4c7585d7cc34

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“Kang Eui-tae Oppa.”a20ad10ecc1757cb

It was time 8789e291a1 to feel sorry bdbc33f972 for calling someone a092fdd084 who was only db1855fb69 a year older 797b228a8e than me by 615c12dad0 their full name 0a17103cab like that. Having brought up 8a33a149bf the topic, I e2042e9425 decided to organize 1b70ed2076 the honorifics and 668b3feb26 raised my orange 3fe473216e juice as if e66fdc1a7c toasting.a36c6971c5e150a1

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“I don’t know what kind of heart you gave me this orange juice with, what your true intentions are.”4d779fd097c1ae6a

“……”547b0b72e692bb11

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“I’ll probably never know. I’ll just guess or believe what you tell me.”2d00ee3bc2c1bd40

“So.”c4fad52246de9128

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The man’s upper body, perking up his invisible ears, was approaching. It was time to back away, but somehow I wanted to say this now.2ca10f8096d33453

“No one knows another person’s true intentions, not even parents and children. Everyone has a 1 inside, but they don’t show the 1 as it is. They add or subtract from it.”97a0bf568ba71fb4

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“Hmm.”5c3b2f6af5b79ba2

“Do you know what I mean? Since the true intention isn’t pretty anyway, I’d rather you just be hypocritical. Who would want to know an ugly true intention, don’t you think?”e4c4c5c969941ad0

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“Hmm…”e3c39620334dfea8

“I like people who smile outwardly, even if they’re being hypocritical, rather than showing their evil nature. It’s ridiculous to say you don’t like it when someone hides their true intentions with lies. How would you know what that person’s true intentions are?”a608697c6cd803d3

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After spouting 5f918e9cfa out all 1fbf3ed7f0 that passion 5acdd0a556 and coming 4f3ba68178 to my a5dab774be senses, the 88127261df man was c95524590d staring at 9f7e0dd8d1 me blankly, 10f31774db with his 3b2b9aa802 arms on 5ac3a8d14d the table 8bf0b6decc and his 431119a6f2 upper body ed657ad7e1 leaning forward, 82cfa7a6d7 and the 2c5a08dc81 belated realization d737b23f72 of reality 50d98ae2e3 was fueling 1af0d55365 my shame.2b9d83cb74650154

I regained my reason 4eb6dfa7cc and carefully picked up f0393225d3 the pen I had 49deef9c8c thrown earlier.6e21e9c6f96ca20b

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“No. I mean, being too, hypocritical is a bit much. That’s…”483d82cf3d6ec323

“Ji-eon-ah.”0b79057ccc6c3727

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“Yes?”806e4328ea4c65ac

When the 19bbdff801 man teasingly 802cbe011f called me 4bc2355822 by my e535ab82d5 first name, 05eb85074b an unpleasant 8f752cd115 goosebumps rose 9298b23e42 on my 03858e2e85 arm. The wind that swept b7261be85d over my goosebumped skin 7b2c436d8e seeped into my bones, d003e76124 and then I became 50592efe21 a pitiful child shivering 175937e2e0 even in the middle c59038b25d of summer. Soon, my chest became 7eea2cab14 chilly and my stomach 0117dfe249 was tingling.bb4727e4dcbe0d36

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“If you run for village chief…”6275d0d6a3c9703d

“…Yes?”21a7a6a6ce99316e

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“I’ll cast a vote for you.”e9d24bb2f3b82be2

I had no idea how positively my speech, seasoned with my blood and flesh, affected the man. After all, he’s talking about the village chief election in response to my words to live hypocritically and get hit less. But now I guess I was used to that joking tone.71cb75e75fad6e0b

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Just, those words 2ac71d905d made me laugh.e0a8d031923f3600