| Chapter 5: A Desire You Shouldn’t Have Had

“Drag him out!”

The captain of the guards issued the order without hesitation, and the noblewomen, their faces showing subtle understanding, couldn’t tear their eyes away from Alexei, though they were disappointed.

As Alexei was dragged out, his arms bound by the guards, he turned his head multiple times, trying to catch Natasha’s gaze. However, her eyes never met his again.

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As night descended, a deep darkness filled the room.

Lying on his straw bed, Alexei repeatedly tossed the earring into the air, catching it each time. But his eyes, despite being fixed on the earring, were focused elsewhere.

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Thud.

The earring fell to the ground, but Alexei let it lie there, unmoved.

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‘This isn’t it.’

Fortunately, his small, private comfort had not been taken away from him. The expensive earring still belonged to him.

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However, the once mesmerizing and dazzling blue shimmer had now lost its charm. No longer did he find it as valuable or as meaningful as he had thought.

“That’s not right.”

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When he recalled Natasha’s cold, ice-like voice, it felt as though he was falling from an unreachable height, endlessly sinking.

Damn it.

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He was frustrated. He wasn’t even sure what he was frustrated about, but he just was.

He wanted something higher, something more radiant. The most valuable of all—he wanted that gem, that singular object, not just any of the countless others.

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Alexei picked up the small flower he had placed beside his pillow.

After that day, Natasha no longer walked in the garden.

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For several days, Alexei wandered aimlessly in the garden, waiting, until he finally picked a flower from the rocks. It was called ‘Edelweiss,’ though the name was hard to pronounce, an exotic flower with a name as delicate as its beauty.

‘Edelweiss… Natasha Ivanov.’

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To Alexei, those two names seemed to merge together. He found the small, fragile Edelweiss more appealing than the high and proud lily he had once thought of.

The sweet, subtle fragrance of the flower tickled his nose. It had a refreshing, pure scent, one that seemed to remind him of someone.

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* * *

Since that day, Natasha had changed her walking route and began strolling in the inner castle grounds instead of the garden. She avoided running into Alexei.

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“Waah!”

A distant cheer from the arena echoed, and Natasha paused, her steps faltering. Slowly, she turned toward the direction of the arena.

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“I wonder if Alexei won again today?”

One of the maids following her, Renna, stretched her neck toward the distant sounds of the match, eager to catch a glimpse, though it was far beyond sight.

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“If you’re so curious, why not go watch the match?” Natasha said.

“Oh, no. You’re not going, so how could I…?”

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“It’s fine.”

Renna, a freckled maid with a knack for relaying everything she saw and heard with great enthusiasm, was likely to return from the match and chatter non-stop about it. Natasha couldn’t help but smile faintly at the thought.

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“Really? Then, maybe I’ll watch the next match… But, Your Highness, are you really not going to watch again?”

Renna asked with sparkling eyes, but Natasha avoided her gaze and replied.

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“Well, I’m not very interested in gladiator matches…”

“Of course, I suppose they’re not to your taste, Your Highness. But… why did that gladiator slave come to see you? He seemed to have something urgent to discuss.”

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Unable to stop her curiosity, Renna began speaking before she caught herself.

“…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t talk about such lowly things like that slave from the Knulu tribe.”

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Thinking that Natasha, the highest lady in Ivanov, must find the sight of bloodied slaves in the arena distasteful, Renna quickly apologized, but Natasha’s steady gaze caught her off guard.

“That’s not it.”

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Her tone was firm, and Renna flinched.

“There’s no such thing as a lowly person.”

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The words left Natasha’s mouth with an unexpected weight, causing Renna to pause, confused. Was she mistaken in assuming Natasha would dislike hearing about Alexei, a gladiator?

“No one is lowly. And I think it’s noble to fight for justice.”

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Natasha continued, her voice resolute.

“Yes?”

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Renna was puzzled. After all, people’s status was determined from birth. There were clearly noble families and the lowest of the low, like the Knulu tribe. So how could Natasha say there was no such thing as a lowly person?

“I simply… want to protect everyone.”

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Natasha added softly.
“That’s why I don’t get close.”

Renna tilted her head in confusion, not fully understanding Natasha’s words. But she shrugged it off, thinking Natasha was simply avoiding getting close to a barbarian, as expected from someone of such high birth.

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‘She’s so smart, she must just be saying it in a roundabout way,’ Renna thought.

“Princess! Princess!”

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Just then, another maid rushed toward Natasha. Recognizing her as Sonya’s maid, Natasha’s heart sank.

“What… is it?”

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With a face pale as death, Natasha barely managed to speak, her voice trembling, as the maid, with tearful eyes, relayed the news.

“Miss Sophia has regained consciousness!”

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Gone was Natasha’s usual slow, graceful walk. In an instant, she rushed toward Sophia’s room. Renna, startled and flustered, hurriedly lifted her skirts and ran after her.

Fifteen years ago, after a difficult childbirth, King Ivan of Ivanov had placed a large pillow over the newborn baby when he found out that his second child was a girl, and then he left the room. Natasha, after waiting for a while, peered into the baby room and was horrified to find the baby nearly suffocating beneath the pillow.

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Though Sophia had barely survived, she had suffered from weak lungs since childhood. She would become winded after only a short walk and had to rest in bed. After a summer of fainting and coughing up blood, Sophia had only just regained some strength after nearly a year.

“Sophia! Are you okay now?”

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“Sister…”

Natasha carefully stroked the pale, fragile little face. “I’m so relieved, so thankful that you’ve woken up.”

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“…Where’s Mom?”

But the tremulous words that left Sophia’s lips made Natasha’s heart collapse once again.

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She didn’t know where to start or what to say. So many things had happened while Sophia had been bedridden.

Natasha hesitated for a long time, not wanting to shock the newly awakened child. After some careful thought, she began speaking, and the conversation continued for a long while.

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Afterward, she stayed by Sophia’s side, keeping watch as her sister fell asleep again. Natasha finally managed to rise and return to her own room.

“I just want to keep Mom’s necklace with me. I can’t believe she’s gone… I can’t believe it, Sister.”

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As she recalled the tearful voice of her sister, Natasha hurriedly put on her cloak with the large hood and prepared to go out.

‘I’m sorry, it’s all because of me. All because of my greed.’

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Because of her, because of her selfish desires, both her mother and her mentor had lost their lives.

If only she hadn’t greedily sought the position of successor, if only she hadn’t studied the theory of kingship. No, if only she had been born a son instead of a daughter…

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She shouldn’t have touched those books, she shouldn’t have dreamt those empty dreams.

The memories of the past, which she had tried so hard to forget, came crashing down on her.

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* * *

One year ago, during a lesson.

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“Your Highness, you truly excel in every area! You would make a perfect successor to the throne. Why not begin formal training for the position of ruler?”

Her teacher, Boris, praised her profusely, clearly amazed at how Natasha could understand one concept and apply it to many others.

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“Really? Do you think Father would agree?”

Natasha asked hesitantly, wondering if her father truly saw her as worthy, if he thought of her as a potential heir.

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“Of course. His Grace will certainly be proud of you. I will speak with him about it.”

Later that evening, Natasha, excited for a rare dinner with her father, asked one of the maids to prepare her in the finest dress and jewelry.

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Perhaps, for the first time, her father would offer her a compliment.

Though she had never received a warm gaze from him, Natasha’s heart fluttered at the thought. Her cheeks flushed pink as she gazed into the mirror.

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With a racing heart, she descended to the dining room, her mind full of hope.

Despite it being a family dinner, her mother was absent again, apparently unwell.

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Sitting alone at the large table in the expansive dining room, Natasha nervously fidgeted with her nails.

A moment later, after what seemed like an eternity, her father, Ivan Ivanov, finally appeared, taking his seat with a cold expression.
“Your Grace, the Duke of Ivanov, I greet you. I hope you have been well, Father.

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Natasha stood and offered a formal greeting, her heart filled with anticipation at finally seeing her father again.

“Hmph.”

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However, Ivan sneered at her, as though uninterested. He wiped his hands with a napkin before speaking.

“I’ve decided to change your tutor, so take note of that.”

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“…What?”

Natasha’s face went pale.

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“I can’t believe you would want to teach a girl the theory of successor. How presumptuous.”

 

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