SRW | Chapter 20

“Ha, sunbaenim, just… just why are you like this?”

“You’re coming, right?”

“…Yeah, fine. I’ll go.”

And just like that, our three-man Awakened party was formed. Our goal: Nuri Pharmacy behind the school. Priority items to grab: an asthma inhaler and basic medical supplies. We hastily finished our pasta meal and began preparing to head out.

…And then,

Kim Jaeyoung, leaning against the wall with all traces of his usual smile gone, caught my eye.

“Hey, Kim Jaeyoung.”

“……”

“I’ll be back. Don’t cause trouble and just stay-“

Before I could even finish, Jaeyoung turned sharply and walked away. As usual, the class president was glued to his side, shooting me a mocking glance. The class prez’s inexplicable hostility was baffling, but what hit harder was the fact that Jaeyoung had just ignored me.

‘Has he lost interest in me…?’

That can’t happen. Jaeyoung needs to protect me if I want to survive long-term… Is he that angry? Did I fail to earn his trust? Unease churned inside me, but there was no time to dwell on it. We had to move.

*

‘I gave birth to him, but I’m terrified of him.’

Kim Jaeyoung had once wondered if he was a monster wearing human skin, watching his mother sob in front of the doctor and his father recoil at the thought of touching his own son. After his parents’ deaths, his uncle’s gaslighting only deepened his self-loathing. But for someone who had always struggled to feel emotions, none of it really mattered.

Observing Sun Eunsoo had just been a habit. Was it amusing to see that brat from years ago grow taller but remain just as simple-minded? The Eunsoo he reunited with in high school was still stupidly straightforward. Living for momentary pleasures, acting like a villain with no conscience. Pathetic, really.

So why couldn’t he look away? There was nothing special about him…

Jaeyoung had never been able to define the exact emotion behind it, even after all this time.

Then, one summer, Eunsoo started changing. The way he struggled to break free from the mold Jaeyoung had placed him in reminded him of a flightless chick twitching its wings, desperate to soar. If Jaeyoung had to choose between liking or disliking it, he leaned toward dislike. If Eunsoo were a bird, he would’ve snapped its wings without hesitation.

‘…What is this?’

When Eunsoo had pinned him down earlier, Jaeyoung noticed his heartbeat racing, his ears burning, his body heating up. Like a normal person flustered by the touch of someone they liked.

It was unsettling. His mind and body were out of sync. Every time Eunsoo reached for him or spoke warmly, the same reaction flared up. He’d never wanted to get closer before, just to watch from afar. But now, his body ached to touch him.

Though emotionally numb himself, Jaeyoung was hyper-aware of others’ feelings. He’d known from the start that Eunsoo’s sudden friendliness had an ulterior motive. He disliked how Eunsoo was scheming uncharacteristically, but every time Eunsoo showed vulnerability only to him, something inside his chest stirred.

The rebellious glint in his eyes when he laughed, the sharp curve of his lips, the sweat-damp nape of his neck, the calloused hands reaching for him. Each time, Jaeyoung was seized by an inexplicable urge. Did he want to kill him? Or just… touch him?

‘What do I even want?’

This storm of emotion was entirely new to him. Monster. Devil. Psychopath. Sociopath. Those were the words that had always defined him. But when it came to Eunsoo… he felt like just another person, helplessly swept up in feelings.

A memory surfaced. A pastor at the church he’d visited for free meals as a child saying, “To be born into this world and experience love is the greatest blessing only humans can know.” If this was love, then was the twisted desire to break Eunsoo’s limbs and chain him to his side also love?

It didn’t matter what Eunsoo wanted from him. Just having him near flooded Jaeyoung with emotions so vivid, there was no room for anything else.

And so, he called it love. The only person who made him feel human. If this wasn’t love, then what was?

Even as the world ended and monsters appeared, Eunsoo’s gaze always found him. Before, life or death meant nothing. He wouldn’t have bothered trying to survive. But Eunsoo fought to live, prioritizing Jaeyoung’s safety over his own. Kim Jaeyoung found that pleasing. So, he played along.

His dissatisfaction began after they reached the cafeteria. Eunsoo was always rushing around, meddling in everything. But Jaeyoung waited patiently, like a well-fed lion. Eunsoo’s mind often teetered on the edge of panic, and Jaeyoung knew he’d turn to him eventually.

That complacency was his mistake.

Eunsoo kept defying expectations. Hwang Sooyeon. Kang Deokho. Lee Hyunwoo… They weren’t the usual delinquents Eunsoo used to associate with. They were just ordinary students. Every time someone new drew closer to Eunsoo, Jaeyoung grew restless. Was he disliked for being different? Did he seem that abnormal? Restlessness was a new emotion, and he had no idea how to handle it.

‘Why aren’t you looking at me? You need me.’

Annoyed by Yoo Yeonha’s constant chatter, Jaeyoung deliberately sat by the cracked wall to avoid her, then forced Eunsoo into the seat beside him. Eunsoo’s oblivious grin was infuriating, but having him close eased something in his chest.

Yet Eunsoo didn’t seem as interested in him anymore. He didn’t consult him, smiled at Hyunwoo, touched his shoulders… even ruffled his hair, oblivious to Hyunwoo’s wary glances.

And then, when Eunsoo once again decided on his own to brave the monsters for the pharmacy, Jaeyoung felt something in his mind snap.

‘Eunsoo doesn’t need me anymore.’

Rage. Deeper than what he’d felt toward his uncle, who’d tried to kill him as a child, surged like a tidal wave.

He should’ve killed everyone else from the start. Made sure Eunsoo could only look at him.

“Jaeyoung-ah, are you okay? You don’t look well.”

Yeonha reached for his face. Jaeyoung violently swatted her hand away. The always-smiling, gentle Jaeyoung acting so rough made her flinch.

“J-Jaeyoung-ah…”

Yeonha’s face flushed as she called his name. Even with his cold expression, his beauty was enough to make hearts race. Jaeyoung glanced at her with empty eyes, then started walking away.

“Jaeyoung-ah, are you worried about Eunsoo? He got some kind of superpower, right? He’ll be fine. Don’t worry too much. Eunsoo is… gasp.”

Jaeyoung stopped and turned. Yeonha, who’d been trailing after him like a lost puppy, froze like prey before a predator under his unfocused gaze. It’s the same face as always, so beautiful. So why does it feel like this? Before her fear could fully register, Jaeyoung slowly leaned in.

“Do you like Eunsoo too?”

“W-What?!”

Yeonha stammered, but Jaeyoung didn’t answer. His hollow eyes stayed locked on her as his hand inched toward her throat-

“I-I don’t like him that much…!”

“……”

When Yeonha finally dared to open her eyes, Jaeyoung was already gone, vanishing into the darkness under the red moonlight. J-Jaeyoung-ah… Her weak call didn’t reach him.

*

Had he ever felt emotions this violently before? Even as he left the cafeteria and headed for Nuri Pharmacy, the fury wouldn’t subside. If Eunsoo were here now, he’d break his limbs, blind him, make it impossible for him to leave or see anyone else. Jaeyoung knew this twisted desire wasn’t how normal people thought. And no matter what, he’d never be normal. Even if Eunsoo hated him for it.

What could he do? This was just how he was born.