SNF | Chapter 7.1

Once again, it was darkness. In countless nightmares, Yeon-oh had learned not to be startled by the approaching hands, aware that he was dreaming. Even if he were startled, he knew he couldn’t escape or wake from this dream. Unless someone woke him, he would, as always, feel his throat being strangled, hear words of hatred, and then wake up as his consciousness began to fade.

Yeon-oh waited for the hands emerging from the darkness to strangle his neck. Even if he wasn’t startled, he needed to be strangled to escape this dream, which he could never get used to. The hands, cold enough to send shivers down his spine, wrapped around his neck.

Every time the hands blocked his airway, sorrow or resentment surged within him. But his emotions never reached the figure submerged in the pitch-black darkness. So he closed his eyes instead, and when he woke, it was reality.

“……”

He wiped the moisture from his eyes and only moved his head. Yeon-oh, who had propped himself up slightly, shook his head to shake off the drowsiness. Only then did the fog in his mind clear somewhat. Instead of shaking the draped silk, Yeon-oh wiped his face.

Having nightmares was a familiar occurrence, but today the sensations were unusually vivid. Perhaps it was because his nerves were on edge, and his wet nurse was also ill. Yeon-oh repeatedly wiped his face to shake off the sinking mood, but his spirits didn’t improve. He looked out the window to gauge the time. The deep blue was thickly spread. Was it still dawn? Although he had woken up unusually early, he had no intention of going back to sleep.

Yeon-oh pulled the silk cord. A servant standing guard outside entered.

“Did you cough?”

The servant lit a candle as soon as he entered. Only then did light fill the dim inner room.

“The wet nurse?”

“There hasn’t been any word, but shall I check?”

“Yes.”

The servant hurried out. As soon as Yeon-oh got up, the servants outside came in to help him get dressed. Enough time passed for him to be fully dressed, yet dawn had not yet fully broken. As the weather had warmed considerably, Yeon-oh leisurely strolled through the garden, thinking of taking a walk. The fresh dawn air filled his lungs.

“Is that you, Yeon-oh?”

How long had he walked? A familiar voice called out. Turning around, he saw the Prime Minister.

“Father.”

“What brings you out so early in the morning?”

“I woke up early and was taking a walk. What brings you out at this early hour, Father?”

“I, too, strangely woke up early and came out for a walk. Perhaps I woke up early to walk with my son.”

“Is that so?”

“Haha, let’s have breakfast together while we’re at it. We haven’t had breakfast together for a few days since you’ve been preparing for the special exam.”

It was probably a simple suggestion. As the Prime Minister said, after the Spring Festival, Yeon-oh had been holed up in the study preparing for the special exam, which meant a period of separation. Yet, it felt strange. The encounter during the walk didn’t seem coincidental, and the suggestion didn’t seem merely due to the recent absence.

“Let’s do that.”

Yeon-oh answered, putting his doubts aside, and stepped back. Naturally, the Prime Minister took a step forward, with Yeon-oh following behind. A few servants followed them.

“Do you think you did well on the special exam?”

“I did my best.”

The Prime Minister showed interest in the results of his exam. It was the kind of interest any parent would have. Yeon-oh neither arrogantly claimed success nor feigned humility. For him, humility was not a virtue. So he reported the facts in a calm tone.

“Since you did your best, it’s worth looking forward to.”

“I only hope I don’t fall short of your expectations, Father.”

“You will certainly meet my expectations. So, Yeon-oh, now that the special exam is over, would you like to visit the villa before taking office? The Emperor has granted you a few days off, suggesting you enjoy a belated holiday with me.”

An immediate answer didn’t come. Going to the villa wasn’t difficult, but the wet nurse was still unwell. He hesitated to leave her alone while she was sick. As if to reflect his feelings, Yeon-oh showed signs of hesitation, and the Prime Minister laughed heartily, clasping his hands behind his back.

“Are you worried about the wet nurse?”

“……”

“I heard she’s bedridden. Was it a cold? Well, it’s understandable given the cold weather.”

Yeon-oh had to work hard not to let his expression harden.

The wet nurse being sick wasn’t a big secret. Moreover, though he didn’t want to admit it, she was at an age where it wasn’t unusual for her to be bedridden with minor illnesses. But if the Prime Minister mentioned her illness, it was a different story.

The Prime Minister was a busy man. Although he handled Hanam’s affairs through a proxy, it was because he had so much work. As the chancellor of such a vast country, and one who monopolized the Emperor’s trust, he was a man who would be busy even if he had ten bodies. You could tell just by how he entered the palace early and left late.

Because he used his time so efficiently, even Yeon-oh, his son, only saw him during breakfast. Yet, this busy man knew that his son’s wet nurse was sick. Realizing this, it was as if his mouth was glued shut.

“The wet nurse has aged quite a bit.”

“……”

“Wouldn’t it be good to tell Seok Kyung to pay special attention?”

“I’ve already instructed him. It’s not something you need to concern yourself with, Father, given your busy schedule.”

“It’s not something to be unconcerned about. She’s the one who practically raised you, Yeon-oh. It was because of the wet nurse that I could send you to Hanam with peace of mind.”

He swallowed the bitter saliva. The Prime Minister’s interest in the wet nurse was unsettling. Unsettling? No. The root of this was fear. Yeon-oh didn’t want the Prime Minister to take such a keen interest in the wet nurse. More precisely, he didn’t want any words about the wet nurse’s personal affairs to come from the Prime Minister’s mouth.

“Still, Yeon-oh. While I understand and acknowledge that she’s the one who raised you and someone you greatly rely on, the wet nurse is still a subordinate. If you carelessly frequent the servants’ quarters, it will only damage your dignity. Be aware of your position and refrain from doing so in the future. You understand what I mean, don’t you?”

It wasn’t because he noticed the Prime Minister pretending to be concerned while actually criticizing Yeon-oh for relying too much on the wet nurse. Yeon-oh knew the root of this fear. It was… Yeon-oh swallowed the thought. He didn’t even want to think about it.

“I will be careful.”

Yeon-oh answered, calming the turmoil in his heart. His mouth felt dry.

“Good.”

He thought about who might have told the Prime Minister this. All the servants in the residence were the Prime Minister’s eyes and ears, and Yeon-oh had warned Hasung and Ranyoung just yesterday. Yet, it had reached the Prime Minister’s ears in less than a day. He was letting him know.

“That’s how it should be.”

That it was useless for Yeon-oh to try to block the Prime Minister’s eyes and ears.

“So, what about going to the villa?”

Also, the Prime Minister was warning Yeon-oh not to challenge him.

“Since it’s a rare opportunity to be with you, Father, I should go.”

“We won’t stay long, so let’s just go for two days. There’s a hot spring there. You’ll like it. If you do, I’ll give it to you. I bought it thinking it would be good for your recovery.”

He,

“I didn’t know you thought of me so much, Father.”

As much as he loved Yeon-oh, or perhaps even more,

“Thinking of you is only natural for me, Yeon-oh.”

He hated him.

It wasn’t that he was detached from his family from the beginning. Though now a distant memory, he too had a childhood. As a child, Yeon-oh genuinely loved his father. To him, his father seemed as tall and strong as Mount Tai, and he was Yeon-oh’s admiration and light. So even when Hye Yeonseo occasionally wounded him with words, he wasn’t hurt back then.

He believed that just as he loved his father, his father loved him too. That’s why he didn’t notice when his father’s face sometimes darkened when looking at him. It would have been better if he had known earlier, but he was too young then.

When he was about six years old, the Prime Minister visited Yeon-oh’s room while he was asleep. With a faint smell of alcohol, the Prime Minister sat by Yeon-oh’s bedside and stroked his son’s hair. Yeon-oh liked the touch so much that even though he was faintly awake, he pretended to be asleep. It was one of those nights.

“Yeon-oh.”

The Prime Minister called his son’s name. It was the gentle voice he always heard.

“Yeon-oh. My child.”

The Prime Minister called his son’s name once more. Yeon-oh thought that if he called once more, he would pretend to wake up. If he said he was actually awake, his father would be a little surprised but then smile and kiss Yeon-oh’s cheek.

“…If only you hadn’t been born, how wonderful it would have been.”

But at the following words, Yeon-oh couldn’t open his eyes. His closed eyes trembled.

“If only you had taken your mother’s place…”

How wonderful it would have been. The words scattered like a sigh. The hand that had been caressing his hair withdrew. The Prime Minister left as quietly as he had come. When he heard the door close and the footsteps fade away, Yeon-oh buried himself in the blanket and cried.