SHLF Ch 2

He calmly asked back and pulled a chair to sit down. Perhaps surprised by my reaction, he looked down at me with furrowed brows. Yes, even in this situation, I’m an idiot who feels inferior to you, so what can I do? Once I admitted it, I felt more at ease. I met his gaze and gestured outside with my chin.

“Get out if you’re done sightseeing.”

“…….”

“I said get out.”

At my second command, Mooyoung twisted his lips into a smile.

“You’ve really prepared yourself over the past month. You must’ve regretted being the idiot who couldn’t say a word even after seeing me and Gitae rolling around together.”

His words hit a nerve, and I couldn’t respond immediately even though I knew he was mocking me. When I remained silent, as expected, he twisted his lips into a bigger smirk.

“So what else have you prepared? Are you planning to beat me half to death like Minho tried to do when you see me? No. You might think about it, but you wouldn’t be able to actually do it. You probably concluded that the best you can do is ignore Gitae and me coolly when you see us. That way, you can at least barely hold onto your remaining pride. Isn’t that right?”

“Stop blabbering and get out.”

“Answer me. I came all the way to this backwoods to hear it.”

Mooyoung spat out the words as if he meant them and clenched his teeth.

“You’re planning to end this by ignoring everyone, right? That’s why you’re hiding here, isn’t it?”

“What are you trying to confirm?”

“Gitae has been trying to contact you for a month and has finally given up. But I came here to make sure you won’t do something annoying like pretending to be the victim and appearing in front of us now that you’re feeling regretful.”

Only one word from his sentence stuck with me. The word ‘us,’ grouping himself and Gitae together, felt strangely unfamiliar, almost repulsive. Just a month ago, ‘us’ meant me and Gitae, and even though I’d decided to ignore everything, as Mooyoung had said, I couldn’t help the chill that ran through me. When I just stared at him silently, Mooyoung sat across from me, leveling our eyes.

“Why? Are you upset? But this is all a result of what you’ve done. You’re the one who plugged your ears like a child and disappeared, missing your chance.”

A result of what I’ve done? Why should I be the one being interrogated? It’s clearly those bastards who are at fault, even an idiot like me knows that. I just let out a hollow laugh and looked away. If I hadn’t, I would have jumped up, covered my ears, and run away. What stopped me were the sneakers I had seen when I first entered this place. Seeing the shoes, my mind calmed down, and I realized something. I couldn’t run away like an idiot anymore. Perhaps this crappy conversation could be beneficial. Seeing who is beside Gitae, whom I long to see, and confirming again what kind of bastard he rolled around with, would be a good blade. A good opportunity to completely sever the lingering threads of attachment I hadn’t yet cut off. Birds of a feather flock together. When he was rolling around with Mooyoung, Gitae, that bastard, must have at least had the same thoughts.

“What chance did I miss?”

I asked lightly, and as if he had been waiting, the answer came immediately.

“Your last chance to hold onto Gitae.”

“Hold onto? Why would I need to?”

Suddenly, Mooyoung burst out laughing, chuckling. As if I had told a funny joke, he couldn’t hide his laughter, his shoulders shaking.

“Haha, you say you have nothing to miss after being treated like a princess all this time. How were you, with nothing but a decent face, able to visit the club where we hang out every day? Did you think it was natural because Gitae drove you around every day and showered you with expensive gifts?”

He, who had been wearing a smile on his face, suddenly spoke in a cold voice.

“You beggar, we let you hang out with us, and you still haven’t come to your senses? You need to suffer a few more months here in this state for your pathetic pride to shrink.”

Beggar. Now I knew for sure what Gitae’s group, whom I had been with for the past year, thought of me. And I had firmly believed they were my friends.

“We put up with you for a long time because you were at least more conscientious than the other beggars clinging to Gitae. But now I see you’re all the same. Arrogant without knowing your place. You were thinking that once your anger subsided and you felt like forgiving him, you’d contact Gitae and get back together with him, weren’t you? No, you took it for granted, didn’t you? Because you know you’ll never meet a big fish like Gitae in your beggar-like life. Fuck, I’m glad I came down here in advance.”

Muttering the last part like a monologue, he leaned towards me.

“Tell me. Even after hearing all this from me, are you still thinking of contacting Gitae later?”

His demanding gaze persistently held mine, refusing to let go. He seemed so anxious for an answer that I didn’t want to give him one easily. The great Park Mooyoung was on edge because of insignificant me. He seemed to have misinterpreted my silence, as he straightened up and gave me a cold look.

“Yes, that’s like Lee Seoin, who made Gitae suffer for a year. Shall I tell you something? Do you know why Gitae dated you for a year?”

As if he hadn’t expected a reaction from me in the first place, he immediately gave the answer.

“Because he hadn’t stuffed you enough yet.”

Then, Mooyoung smiled and let out a sweet voice.

“I heard you have a tremendous aversion to being entered from behind, right? So he could barely penetrate you. Besides, I heard you’re not good at sucking either, you always cough and choke. Oh, I heard you’re good at one thing, though. Grinding against his thigh.”

“Shut up, you son of a bitch.”

I didn’t know it would be so humiliating to have my private life with Gitae exposed by someone else’s mouth. The remaining good memories I had with Gitae turned into muddy water and crumbled. I don’t know how my expression changed, but satisfaction spread across Mooyoung’s face as he looked at me.

“Gitae isn’t a saint. He’s not stupid enough to painfully suppress the sex he wants just because you don’t want it. So, throughout our relationship, he came to me almost every day and had me stuff him. Just like he did before he dated you.”

Mooyoung emphasized his last words and lowered his voice to a whisper.

“From the first time we met in middle school, Gitae and I have had a special relationship. Even if we have lovers, we seek each other out. Because we fulfill what we can’t get from our lovers. No matter who he meets, Gitae will eventually come back to me. No one can break our bond.”

What solidified his words was pride. The pleasure of informing his ex-lover, who believed Gitae was his, that he was nothing. Feeling the tightness in my chest, I briefly regretted not getting up earlier. Actually, I was going to give a disingenuous answer out of spite for Mooyoung, saying I would contact Gitae again. I wanted to torment the guy who didn’t know remorse, even a little. But if I did, it seemed like it would only deepen my own wounds. End it here, now. There was a warning cry inside me, but I ended up asking as if to confirm.

“If you two have such a great relationship, why did you hide it like rats?”

I didn’t hide my sarcasm, but Mooyoung’s eyes only hardened at my question.

“Because Gitae wanted it that way.”

“…….”

“If Gitae wants it, I can hide like a rat. I don’t care. I’ll do anything.”

Listening to his low, serious voice, I regretted it. Why didn’t I listen to the warning inside me and confirm it? Funny enough, at this moment, a sense of defeat came before anger. Mooyoung’s love for Gitae felt so much bigger than mine that it felt like I was destined to be the victim from the beginning. His confidence, which had irritated me, was displayed even in this unfavorable situation. Could I ever be like that to someone? How much would I have to love someone to prioritize love even at the expense of my pride? I knew I couldn’t be angry at Mooyoung anymore. Anger and defeat mixed together, tearing at my mind until I was too exhausted to do anything.

“I’ll do as you wish if you answer just one question.”

After a long silence, I spoke, and Mooyoung gave me a suspicious look. He seemed surprised that I had so readily agreed to what he wanted. I reassured him.

“I’ll even write a pledge if you need it. Just take out some paper.”

“Forget it. Just say with your own mouth that you won’t approach Gitae again.”

“Alright.”

“Remember this. It’s forever. Don’t ever do anything pathetic like contacting your ex-lover after 10 years because you suddenly need money.”

His specific example made me laugh, inappropriately.

“Alright, I won’t contact him in 10 years asking for money. I will absolutely never approach him first.”

“You first? So if Gitae contacts you….”

“If that bastard bothers me, I’ll have to meet him once or twice to shake him off, won’t I?”

I cut off Mooyoung’s words and added my own.

“Or you, his special friend, could prevent that from happening. Since you’ve been offering your backside to Gitae since middle school, you should be able to do that much.”

At my harsh words, Mooyoung smiled as if amused.

“Stepping on a worm really does make it wriggle.”

Letting out a chuckle, he stood up as if he was done with his business.

“How about you work here for a few more years? I really had a hard time finding you. No one will be able to find you if you hide here.”

“Are you worried that Gitae will find me?”

Mooyoung, who had stood up smiling, froze and his expression turned blank.

“Yes, like I said, Gitae hasn’t fucked you enough yet.”

“…….”

“Any other questions? Come to think of it, you said you wanted me to answer one.”

As I looked away, he stood up and urged me, “What is it?” I kept my eyes on the sneakers and opened my mouth.

“Why did you keep seeing Minho?”

When I didn’t hear an answer, I looked up and saw his furrowed brows.

“Why are you asking that?”

“Just curious. Like you met me because Gitae didn’t fuck you enough, I was wondering if it was the same reason for you. Oh, you’re the one being fucked, so was it because you weren’t fucked enough?”

Mooyoung continued to stare down at me with a frown, as if I was strange.

“I don’t understand. You never even had a proper conversation with Minho. Why are you curious about that?”

“Maybe it’s empathy. You…did like Minho, right?”

“Yes. For the first few days.”

“…….”

“It was fun at first. Seeing him freeloading at his relatives’ house, being abused without parents, felt like picking up a stray cat and raising it. He was obedient, and because he exercised, he had good stamina during sex. But that’s all. I thought he was a cat, but he was a tick. A clingy idiot like a stalker who didn’t even notice when I was annoyed. I should’ve gotten rid of him earlier, but I put it off because I was annoyed by his whining… and that son of a bitch dared to lay his hands on Gitae.”

He clenched his teeth as if remembering that time angered him.

“And he had the audacity to come to me and spout nonsense about forgiving me. I should have….”

He added something in a low voice, but it was mumbled and I couldn’t hear it clearly. He seemed to be in a bad mood because of the talk about Minho, so he left a short warning and turned around.

“Remember this. Don’t ever appear before us again.”

As he took a few steps and was about to cross the threshold of the shop, I gave him a parting gift.

“You should take good care of your special relationship, too.”

The foot that was about to cross the threshold stopped, and Mooyoung’s head turned towards me. What nonsense are you talking about? To those irritated eyes, I dredged up our past friendship one last time and smiled.

“It might be a lifelong special relationship for you, but it might not be for Gitae. If another guy shows up who’ll let him fuck whenever he wants, even without being his lover, that guy will become Gitae’s special person. Oh, would you even tolerate that? You said you’d do anything. Would you maintain your devoted heart, chastely waiting, even if Gitae has dozens of special people?”

I thought he would hurl insults at me, but he just glared at me and went on his way. Even while suppressing his pride and loving Gitae, my words must have been unpleasant. Perhaps my words were something he already knew but didn’t want to address, a forbidden topic. But now wasn’t the time to worry about him. My heart, exhausted from the conversation with Mooyoung, was turning the anger I had directed at Gitae and Mooyoung back towards myself. I was really destined for this from the beginning, so why didn’t I realize it? Now, I was so confused that I didn’t know whose fault this whole incident was. It hurt my pride that I couldn’t mock or dismiss Mooyoung’s confident love. He still possesses many things that I will never have. Genius talent, reckless courage to do whatever he wants without hesitation, and a selfish heart that only thinks of his own love. I was defeated in every way. To feel inferior to someone I should be angry at. I must have sat there for a long time in that misery. My hungry stomach was now numb. Since it was a mountain area, the sun set quickly, and it seemed like it would get dark soon. Would I be scolded for slacking off for so long when I returned to work?

Creak.

Pushing the chair and standing up, I spoke to the empty air.

“I can’t go down once it gets darker.”

I waited for a response for a moment, but there was no reaction. I had no choice but to walk towards the room where the sneakers were. Worn-out sneakers with the heels folded down. I grabbed the doorknob and opened the door without hesitation. Inside, the face I had expected was sitting with his gaze fixed on the floor. He was wearing a short-sleeved shirt and shorts, but most of the skin that should have been visible was covered in white bandages and a cast. My brows furrowed involuntarily at his condition, which was worse than I had expected. How on earth did he get all the way here from Seoul in that state? No, the important thing is who messed him up like this. He was someone so healthy because of his exercise. I kept my gaze on his face and couldn’t speak for a while. It seemed like it had been a while since he was beaten, as the bruises on his face had partially faded, leaving a mottled red and purple mess. Suddenly, Mooyoung’s faint mumbling flashed through my mind.

‘I should have told them to step on him more.’

Fuck, it was that Mooyoung bastard, wasn’t it? I shouldn’t have let him go. If I chased after him now, could I catch him? Looking at Minho, sitting like a doll staring at the floor, anger surged within me. When I first heard that a bandaged guest had arrived, I thought it was Gitae. So, I couldn’t help but feel a flutter of excitement. I realized it wasn’t him when I entered the store and checked the sneakers first, though. Worn and old shoes couldn’t possibly belong to Gitae. While talking to Mooyoung, I vaguely thought it might be the kid, but I really didn’t expect him to be in this state. Dongho’s words about not being safe even after leaving the police station seemed to be true. Disgusting bastards.

“Minho.”

Calling his name, his vacant eyes lifted as if by instinct. I didn’t know why he came here, but I had a feeling it wasn’t to see me. Then there could be only one reason.

“How did you know Mooyoung was coming here today?”

As if confirming my suspicion, his mouth opened after a moment.

“…Seongsu hyung.”

I thought of Seongsu, who had advised me at the club that everyone was the same. To him, both Minho and I must have seemed equally pathetic. So he gave me advice, and gave information to Minho, who wanted to meet Mooyoung. I should be grateful, but as they say, one’s feelings are different when entering and exiting. Having experienced this miserable reality, I had no room to feel gratitude. Minho seemed to have lost the capacity to even think. I turned my head and shouted towards the back of the store.

“Grandpa! Please give us some food!”

I used to think that I had nothing to talk about with the kid, so it was just awkward and silent. Since we weren’t interested in each other anyway, there was no need to get closer. But now, we had a common topic, and things to discuss, yet silence still flowed between us. Strangely, it wasn’t awkward anymore. We sat together on the wooden floor in front of the store with the lights off to keep the bugs away, and it felt as comfortable as if we had always been there together. Thanks to that, I even dozed off for a bit. At the ‘buzzing’ sound of a mosquito, I opened my eyes wide and looked at the kid next to me, and my first thought was, Oh, he was here. If it had been before, I would have felt uncomfortable first. If this feeling is some kind of camaraderie from sharing misery, it’s sad.

“It’s amazing.”

I spoke while looking at the sky. I felt the kid’s gaze on me, but I didn’t turn my eyes away and pointed at the sky with my hand.

“This is the place where you can see the stars best in our country. There’s an observatory up there too.”

There was no response, but I didn’t mind and mumbled slowly as if talking to myself.

“When I first saw it, the stars were so close that it was almost scary. I had never seen the entire sky filled with stars like this before. I felt the meaning of the phrase ‘stars pouring down’ for the first time then. I even reached out my hand because it felt like I could grab them.”

Now I’m used to it, though. The sky full of stars was as unfamiliar as the hard work. A sight that makes you exclaim in admiration is always above your head. It felt like the luxury of a beggar having a feast he’d never seen before, right in front of his eyes every day. To think I’d be leisurely appreciating the stars in a place I’d come to, emotionally drained, escaping reality. Realizing this, I found myself smiling. I felt a gaze and turned my eyes to see the kid sitting next to me quietly looking down at me.

“Why?”

“…I saw it for the first time.”

His slow, low voice suited the darkness well. Was the kid’s voice always like this? I thought, and asked, “What?” Soon, a softly mumbled answer came.

“Talking…like that.”

His tone was blunt, but his downcast eyes were the same as his usual shy self. Even with bandages and bruises all over, he was the kid I knew. Now that Gitae and his group had all become strangers, he was the only one who hadn’t changed. That’s why he, who was the most awkward, had become the most comfortable person. That’s why you never know what will happen in life.

“It’s my first time too. Talking this much in a month.”

I chuckled and changed the subject.

“Do you know who put you in that state?”

He slowly turned his eyes to look at me, then returned his gaze to the empty space without a word. There was no answer, but I could guess that he knew. I had expected him to know, but I asked anyway because I wanted to check how the kid was feeling. The person he loved betrayed him, and when he went to forgive him, he was beaten to a pulp. Yet, he dragged his injured body all the way down here to see that person, and I think I envied him. Because I just ran away from the beginning.

“Last question.”

Startled by the sudden voice, I turned my eyes.

“Why did you do it?”

What? I was about to ask back, then realized it was the question I had asked Mooyoung.

‘Did you even like Minho?’

It seemed to have bothered him that I had asked about him. I sat up and answered easily.

“Because you weren’t coming out of the room.”

Creak. As I moved, a small groan came from somewhere in the wood. Even so, it couldn’t compete with the noisy chirping of insects.

“I thought you’d be wondering about that.”

I added while swatting away a mosquito.

“That’s what I was most curious about with Gitae.”

Did he even like me? I was afraid to hear the answer, so I hid here, but I made the kid listen to it. I’m quite selfish too. Even though I knew that hiding would be comfortable now, the frustration of not hearing it directly would torment me as time went on. On the other hand, the kid, who confronted Mooyoung directly and tried to talk to him, might be suffering more now, but he might be able to settle everything more quickly and easily. I suddenly felt envious. Should I call Gitae now and ask him? Did you even like me? The question that couldn’t come out suffocated me. Would I feel relieved if I heard the answer? Or would I suffer again, unable to believe his truth…?

“I’m not curious.”

His slow words suddenly silenced all the surrounding sounds.

“What?”

He repeated his answer, his gaze fixed straight ahead.

“While I’m not over it, I’m not curious.”

My head went blank as if I had been hit by something.

“Then why did you come here? What did you want to ask Mooyoung?”

His head slowly shook. He shook his head, then turned his eyes to me. But looking into his eyes in the darkness, I felt a chill run down my spine for some reason. A feeling like I’d just watched a horror movie. Fortunately, I focused on his calm voice.

“I just wanted to see him.”

“You… even after being treated like that…”

Anger welled up inside me involuntarily, and I barely managed to lower my voice.

“You came down here like a fool, just wanting to see him, even after being beaten to a pulp? Don’t you have any pride? Did you hear what Mooyoung said earlier? You were nothing more than a stray cat he picked up and raised. He didn’t even like you. Just because he was annoyed…”

“I still like him.”

“…….”

“I still like Mooyoung hyung.”

I couldn’t argue with his indifferent words. Because I still like him too. Even after seeing that damn bastard rolling around with another guy right in front of me, even after hearing the bullshit that he kept seeing me because he hadn’t fucked me enough, I still like him. The anger that had welled up because of the kid now covered my eyes with a hot sting. Holding my breath to keep from crying, I looked up. I looked at the sky for a long time, until my eyes stung, and then I spoke.

“Even if you still like him, you have to end it.”

I thought he wouldn’t answer, but after a while, he obediently nodded.

“If I don’t see him, if time passes, all the feelings of love will disappear, right?”

This time, instead of a nod, a question came. How long will it take? Well.

“At most… 10 years.”

The next day, as I was seeing the kid off early, he suddenly thanked me. Taking care of him for a night is nothing. I replied lightly, but unlike him, he stared into my eyes for a long time. Just as I was starting to feel flustered, he spoke slowly.

“For other things too.”

“Other things, what?” I was about to ask, but I swallowed the words. I figured he was thanking me perhaps because of the question I had asked Mooyoung. But that wasn’t pure goodwill. I felt inferior to Minho, but in a different way than I did with Mooyoung. I’d described it to Dongho as a debt, but a sense of inferiority mixed with shame is more accurate. Because he had done what I couldn’t. I’d never felt particularly wronged in my life. Aside from sudden misfortunes, I tended to avoid problems beforehand whenever possible. But there’s one memory where I was mute, unable to say anything. It must have been when I was in elementary school. My younger sister was sick and briefly hospitalized, and my mother had to stay at the hospital, so I had to stay home with my grandmother. Until then, as the son, I had always received attention, and I think I was jealous that the adults’ attention was focused on my sister. Still, after a few days, when my sister didn’t come home, I started to worry and tried to do something. I decided to buy her favorite snacks, so I broke open my piggy bank, bought a whole bunch of her favorite snacks, and came home. But it took longer than I thought, and when I got home after dark, my father, who had been contacted by my grandmother, was just about to go out looking for me. But when I came in carrying a load of snacks, he seemed to get angry. I think that’s the first time my father hit me. He scolded me, saying my sister was sick and lying in the hospital, and I had broken open my piggy bank to buy snacks. It wasn’t like that, I bought them for my sister. I was hurt, and sad, and wronged. But no words came out. Like someone had sewn my mouth shut, I couldn’t express the injustice that welled up in my throat. It must have been after that incident that I started trying to avoid serious situations. Subconsciously, I might have been afraid. The miserable feeling that if another unbearably unjust and upsetting situation arose, I still wouldn’t be able to say anything. Some people said I was aloof and cold, but in reality, I was just a coward. And that kind of thing happened again. I really couldn’t say anything, and I just ran away. As long as I don’t forget Gitae’s betrayal, this sense of inadequacy will never disappear from within me. But before my eyes was someone who had done what I couldn’t, what I couldn’t even imagine. That’s why Minho is an object of envy and jealousy, just like Mooyoung. Making me feel insignificant.

“Honk, honk~”

The taxi driver, whom I had made come all the way up the mountain early in the morning, honked his horn. I snapped out of my thoughts, grabbed the crutches, and pushed the kid’s shoulder. Then something occurred to me, and I asked,

“Do you have a place to go?”

I don’t know why I suddenly asked that question, but I felt uneasy. It felt like I was pushing a child out into an empty field. I was worried that Dongho’s prophecy about the kid might come true. Mooyoung even beat him up like this, would he really torment him to the point where he couldn’t live in Korea? As I worried, I heard a soft murmur. I only understood a few words. Maternal uncle, America. I was about to ask what he meant when he hesitantly asked first,

“Can I contact you?”

“No.”

It might sound harsh, but I shook my head and added,

“When I see you, I can’t help but think of Gitae. If we stay in touch, we’ll both suffer.”

He lowered his head and replied, “Yes,” but his limping back looked dejected. My heart softened involuntarily, and after a few steps, I chased after him and grabbed his arm. Ignoring his surprised eyes, I took out a pen from my pocket and wrote my email address on the cast around his arm.

“I’ll only read them, I won’t reply.”

If you still want to contact me, then do it. I spoke curtly, but he was smiling faintly with his head down.

Even after the kid left, I stayed there for another month and a half. I was sorry to leave before seeing the completion of the Hanok. But I had learned more than I expected, and it felt like I was leaving with something fulfilling. The construction workers I had spent a few months with were especially disappointed. Perhaps because I hadn’t told them the reason for my departure beforehand, they all seemed quite surprised.

“We’re going to be laying the roof tiles soon. You should learn that too. Ah, why are you leaving already?”

“I’m enlisting soon.”

“Is that so? When is your enlistment?”

“Tomorrow.”

“…….”

The others around also looked at me with bewildered eyes. They probably thought they would grab me and drink all night, as they were all surprised by the word “tomorrow” and sent me off to Seoul, pushing me on my back. I hadn’t informed my parents about my enlistment either, so I got quite a scolding when I got back to Seoul. My father yelled at me, and my mother and sister were very upset. Actually, I was prepared to be scolded for other things, so my father’s reprimand wasn’t uncomfortable. Rather, I was just sorry that he had more to yell about. Even though I knew I should be sorry, I said it.

“Father, I’m gay. I like men.”

I don’t know why I blurted out those words so calmly, words I had hidden while I had a boyfriend. The house was in an uproar over the bomb dropped by their son the day before his enlistment. But I cowardly turned my back on the problem and ran away again. Perhaps I harbored the hope that after spending two years in the military, my exhausted parents might accept me as I am. But the result was completely different. My father, who had avoided even looking at me during my leaves, kicked me out of the house as soon as I was discharged. He probably meant for me to come to my senses. The fact that I couldn’t get married and give him grandchildren wouldn’t change. I remember struggling quite a bit for the first few months. I think I just kept working, morning and night, thinking I had to earn money for living expenses as well as tuition. But around the time I took out a loan and returned to school, my mother came to me with my tuition money, crying and telling me to come home. I think I should have accepted the money my mother offered me then. I should have taken my crying mother home, apologized to my father, and at least said I’d try to like women. But I didn’t. At the time, I thought it was an absolutely non-negotiable issue, but thinking about it now, it was just the pointless pride of my youth. It wasn’t until my father suddenly collapsed a few years later that I realized what a disobedient son I had been. When I broke up with Gitae, I thought there would be no more sad and painful event in my life. I also thought it would take 10 years to forget him. But the pain of heartbreak didn’t take up that much space in my life. There were many other problems I had to worry about, and difficult things came along unannounced. In my senior year of college, just before graduation, rumors that I was gay spread around school. Everywhere I went, people glanced at me, and the classmates I had been close to became awkward and distanced themselves. At the time, I didn’t pay much attention to it, but the real problem arose after graduation. I beat the high competition rate and got into the architectural firm I wanted, but a year after joining, I was fired because of the rumors from my college days. It was a senior colleague, two years my senior, who had lost a project to me, who spread the rumors to the company. Around that time, my father collapsed, and I was in a situation where I had to get a job no matter what. The few months until I luckily got into my current company were hell. But hell eventually passes. As I got older, year by year, I got used to barely enduring life without running away, and I became a 31-year-old man. The 10-year expiration date I had told the kid had already passed. I rarely deliberately thought of Gitae during that time. The only direct trigger that reminded me of him was the kid. He really did send emails. Twice while I was in the military. Both emails contained only a short line.

‘If I had done better, would things have been different?’

‘I hope this time passes quickly.’

The last email was when I was just about to return to school. Also a short line.

‘I’m going far away.’

Even mountains change in 10 years, so no one knows how much a person can change. Even I changed from a naive student who only cared about looking good and hanging out with rich people to an ordinary office worker. But even though you know people change, you’re still surprised when you see it for yourself. I heard news of Gitae and his group 10 years later because of this person I met by chance. I had to meet a client about some blueprints, so I wore a suit, which I don’t usually wear, and headed to a large building in the city center. The conversation took longer than expected, and somehow I ended up being swept away with the crowd of people leaving work from the building. The client was next to me, suggesting dinner together, so I was putting on my best business smile as we passed through the lobby on the first floor when someone cautiously called out to me and approached.

“……Lee Seoin?”

I turned my head at the unfamiliar voice, and one of the people in the exiting crowd quickly approached me. His eyes widened as soon as he saw me, and I vaguely felt like I recognized him. Fortunately, he introduced himself first.

“S-Seoin, right? It’s me, Seongsu.”

Seongsu? The name didn’t immediately ring a bell, so I hesitated, and he quickly added,

“We used to see each other often in college. You know, with Gitae……ah……”

The name Gitae worked like magic. The memory came flooding back instantly. Seongsu also seemed to recall the unpleasant memory, as he abruptly closed his mouth and made an apologetic expression, even after 10 years. Seeing that, a bitter smile formed on my face involuntarily. Remembering the client next to me, I took out a business card from my pocket, handed it to him, and said a brief goodbye.

“Sorry, let’s catch up later.”

Fortunately, he tactfully handed me his business card and nodded. Since we barely exchanged a few words, I honestly didn’t think he would actually contact me after receiving my card. I just figured he called out my name because he saw a familiar face, but a few days later, he called me around closing time, suggesting we grab a drink.

Seongsu, whom I met at a Gopchang restaurant, brought back old memories. He was wearing a suit and his hairline had receded a bit, but his face hadn’t changed much. What had changed was that he had gained weight, become more talkative, and looked people in the eye with confidence.

“You work in sales? I thought you were an engineering major.”

I asked, recalling the business card I received, and Seongsu nodded.

“Yeah. I originally started in research, but the company switched me to technical sales.”

He flipped the pale Gopchang and chuckled.

“I almost died adapting.”

Seems like you’ve done well, I replied, moving my chopsticks along with him. Sizzle? The sound of the Gopchang grilling rose along with the appetizing smell.

“But Seoin, you haven’t changed at all. No, you’ve become even more handsome.”

Taking it as a polite compliment, I mumbled thanks and looked up from the Gopchang. He was looking at me with sparkling eyes.

“Really. Before, you had a pretty vibe, despite being a guy, but now, with your glasses, you look intellectual and handsome. That group might be surprised to see you. Well, they still live in their own little world, so they might not care.”

He said the last part with a frown, so I stopped moving my chopsticks.

“What group?”

“Dongho and his gang. Um, if it’s uncomfortable to bring them up because of Gitae…”

“It’s okay. It’s been 10 years, I barely remember their faces.”

Although Gitae and Mooyoung rolling around together is crystal clear. Once he had my permission, Seongsu, with his newly chatty personality, started to unravel the past 10 years I hadn’t known about them.

“Mooyoung was doing well until a few years ago, but then he had a big problem with plagiarism and seems to have stopped composing. Still, his royalties are substantial, so he’s living large. Oh, he was on TV recently. He’s a music producer, seems like he’s raising idol singers. Since he has a lot of money, he must have taken good care of himself, because I saw him on TV and he looked exactly the same.”

Seongsu frowned again. His tone sounded like he had lost something, so I looked at him curiously. He looked up and quickly added,

“Oh, my younger sister said that it was because of heavy makeup, and that he would look different in person. If you remove the makeup, Mooyoung will definitely show his age.”

Whether he’s aged or not, what does it matter? I was about to ask, but I glanced at his wide forehead and lowered my gaze. Could it be that he’s sensitive about looking old?

“But the funny thing is, he has the title of director, he wears suits, he’s putting on all the airs. Can you believe it? He always said he wouldn’t wear uncomfortable suits and would always dress freely, no matter the occasion.”

“…….”

“But now that he has the title of director, he seems to have forgotten what he used to say. He used to brag endlessly about how he didn’t need money or fame, and that all he cared about was unleashing the music in his head. He said he would live his whole life as an artist, but now he seems to enjoy chasing money and fame.”

At this point, I couldn’t help but put down my chopsticks and ask,

“Did you dislike Mooyoung?”

But the question that came back was unexpected.

“You dislike him too, right?”

Dislike aside, why should I care about Mooyoung? However, I couldn’t get angry because of the innocence I felt in Seongsu’s question. When I remained silent, Seongsu seemed to sense something was wrong and awkwardly looked away.

“I thought you’d dislike him too, of course…”

“I do.”

I nodded and added,

“So much so that I don’t want to think about him at all.”

I picked up a piece of Gopchang and answered nonchalantly, then looked up when there was no reaction. Seongsu was looking at me with blinking eyes. Ah, that hasn’t changed in 10 years. As I thought that, the same words came back.

“That hasn’t changed either.”

What hasn’t? I asked, and Seongsu grinned.

“You were completely indifferent to anything other than what you liked. Even with me, you barely acknowledged me until after we had been seeing each other for a few months.”

“Sorry.”

“No! I didn’t say it to get an apology…”

Seongsu waved his hands in denial, then looked down shyly.

“I…I still dislike them, so I keep thinking about them. I know they’re still living successful lives, but I feel a little relieved when something goes wrong for them. Haha, well, they probably don’t even remember me.”

Seongsu let out a small sigh and looked up with a bitter expression.

“I know it’s wrong of me to feel this way, but I can’t bring myself to wish them well after they ignored me like that. Maybe they’re doing even better because of these feelings I have.”

His candid confession, laced with frustration, was quite unexpected. To think that he, who seemed so quiet and uncomplaining, would still be angry and wishing them ill after 10 years. It’s partly because I was truly unaware of the hurt he had received. Perhaps I was also a perpetrator to him. As I just stared at him silently, he awkwardly smiled and scratched his head.

“I was really ignored a lot by that group.”

“Sorry.”

“No! Like you said, you were completely indifferent to me, so it was actually comfortable. Besides… you were a victim too.”

Victim. Not a particularly pleasant word, but I ignored it and changed the subject.

“But how do you know about Mooyoung’s recent news?”

“Oh, through Dongho.”

I stopped my chopsticks again.

“You’re still in touch with him?”

Could he still be acting like his weird little minion…?

“Dongho’s mother asked me to help find him a few times.”

“Find him? Why you?”

“Because I know the kind of places Dongho would hang out. Oh, you probably don’t know that Dongho’s company went bankrupt a few years ago, right?”

Perhaps because he felt indebted to the family, Dongho didn’t smile this time. But his tone was still light.

“Even though he lost almost everything, Dongho’s maternal family is well-off, so they saved a small shop for him. But Dongho blew through all of that in two years.”

“Blew through it?”

“Yeah. Even after his family went bankrupt, he didn’t come to his senses and kept spending money like before. He’s never really worked before, so naturally, he doesn’t seem to have any intention of working now.”

At the end of his sentence, Seongsu added, “It’s a big problem,” and shook his head. Mooyoung, who was still successful, was still a target of his anger, but Dongho, who had lost everything, seemed to be an object of pity. It was better than laughing and saying it served him right for failing. But to think that Dongho had lost everything. It felt strange. It might be because so much time had passed that it felt like listening to a story about a stranger. I thought he would live his whole life as a rich man, flaunting his wealth. Come to think of it, I wondered what had happened to the other one.

“What about Gitae?”

The question came out more easily than expected. I was so indifferent now that even hearing about him didn’t really affect me. As if he had deliberately left out Gitae’s news for my sake, Seongsu glanced at me before speaking.

“I heard that Gitae returned from studying abroad last year or so and joined his father’s company. And um…he got married at the end of last year.”

“Pfft…haha…hahaha?”

Laughter burst out as soon as the word “marriage” came out. Seongsu blinked at me again, wondering why I was laughing, but I couldn’t stop laughing long enough to explain. It was just funny. While everyone else was changing and living unpredictable lives, Gitae’s life was proceeding without a hitch, exactly as his father had planned. And marriage on top of that. Gitae used to loathe women. The fact that he endured and got married anyway was hilarious. I laughed for a while and finally looked up to apologize. But Seongsu was looking somewhere else. He was craning his neck and looking intently behind me, so I turned my head to see what it was. His words came first.

“People say a lot of people change, but no one can compare to him. He’s truly amazing.”

His words, filled with admiration, were directed at the TV, and my opinion soon changed to agree with his. Yes, the one who had changed beyond anyone’s expectations was that guy. The screen, which seemed to be showing sports news, showed a tall Asian man swinging a golf club in front of a gallery of white people. A short caption appeared at the bottom.

‘Last year’s PGA multiple-win champion, Chae Minho, will participate in the XX Open held in Jeju next week.’

Slightly drunk, I returned home. I turned on the lights, and the room I had messed up while getting ready for work this morning greeted me. Thanks to the chilly weather outside, the air inside was cool. Should I turn on the boiler? I pondered as I sat down in front of the computer. Whirr~ the low booting sound broke the frozen silence of the room. Looking at the changing colors on the monitor, I felt the warmth rising from the alcohol. Moving again felt like a chore, so I gave up on the boiler. The dread of last winter’s gas bill, which had been worse than the cold itself, had also arrived earlier than winter. I’ll have to buy a small electric heater this winter to save on gas. I clicked the mouse on the Windows screen and opened the internet. As the cluttered portal site appeared, trivial thoughts about the cold and gas bills disappeared. I forgot to log in and check my email and clicked on a sports article. The news I had seen on the TV at the Gopchang restaurant earlier was at the very top in bold letters. Click again. A large picture filled the monitor screen. I kept my eyes on the picture without reading the article below. A picture of him with a slight smile, one hand tightly clenched. The picture, which I had seen several times before, was of him at the moment he secured his victory with his final putt at the tournament that made him famous. They had shown that scene several times on TV at the time.

Actually, I had deliberately woken up to watch the live broadcast of the tournament on TV in the early morning of the final day. I didn’t know the rules of golf and wasn’t interested, but I sat there rubbing my sleepy eyes, cheering on the kid whose face had become unfamiliar. He had appeared in articles occasionally before, and some of his tournaments were broadcast on TV, but I hadn’t paid much attention. But the major tournament must have been important, as the media and the internet had been making a fuss about it beforehand, so it must have stuck in my head. Most people would simply find it fascinating to see someone they know become famous after a long time. But with the kid, I couldn’t just find it fascinating. The incident from 10 years ago inevitably came to mind along with him. The awkwardness of sharing that terrible experience still lingered. So even though he had become famous, I tried not to pay attention, and then, watching the tournament on my computer monitor in the dark early morning, I realized that he had become someone from a different world, someone who couldn’t possibly be aware of my awkwardness. The thin, dark-haired, innocent-looking teenage boy had changed into a powerful man who hit impressive long shots even among famous players. His muscular, strong body and the chillingly expressionless face he maintained throughout the tournament made him seem like a completely different person. The commentators mentioned several times during the tournament that he rarely smiled even during interviews, so the image of his faint smile at the end was like a rare video that kept appearing on TV afterwards. The poker-faced golfer. He barely gave interviews, his daily routine consisted solely of practice from morning till night, and he was a genius who reached the top of the major leagues just six years after starting golf. Even if I didn’t specifically look up articles about him, these descriptions always followed him, but what people remembered most was something else.

‘I’m interested in men.’

Early on, when his name was starting to become known, he became the center of attention because of something he said in an interview. I clicked on an article about Chae Minho, the golfer who had come out, out of curiosity, and that’s when I realized it was the kid I knew. The interview itself was lighthearted. An American reporter playfully asked the rookie who had just won his first professional victory to share the joy of his first win with his future bride, if he didn’t currently have a girlfriend. And the kid, who had only been giving short answers, said he couldn’t, and the reporter asked why. That’s when he said those words. And he casually revealed that he was gay and went back to giving short answers, nonchalantly finishing the interview. Although I couldn’t find the interview video at the time, I believe he would have spoken in a slow voice, looking the reporter straight in the eye. Because that’s how he always was in the few interview videos I’ve seen of him since. The shy kid who always looked down and blushed with embarrassment was nowhere to be found in the articles or news anymore. It’s a blurry memory from 10 years ago anyway, so there’s nothing to be sentimental about. All I could do was read these articles. I closed the article and turned off the computer, then lay down on the floor fully clothed. As I burrowed into the rustling cold blanket, my eyelids grew heavy. I should shower, I thought as I pulled the blanket tighter. The article about Chae Minho I had just seen was long forgotten. The approaching sleep was more important than dwelling on the sports star in that high place, someone I would never cross paths with again.

“Cough, cough~”

A loud cough erupted as soon as I entered the warm air of the office. The gazes of the two female employees who hadn’t left work yet turned wary. The question followed immediately.

“Do you have a cold?”

It was the 23-year-old youngest employee in the office who asked. Thanks to our eccentric director, who was terrified of catching colds, everyone in the office would become alert like meerkats at the slightest sound of a cough. “Not yet,” I replied and sat down, but my throat felt a bit scratchy. Damn it, I’ll just turn on the boiler and sleep today. I turned on the computer and transferred the remaining work I was supposed to finish to a USB drive. I hadn’t realized it on my way to work, but now that I was sitting in a warm place, my body felt heavy. I felt like I was really going to catch a cold, so I quickly moved the mouse. But my plans to go home were thwarted just as I was about to turn off the computer.

Bzzz~

A short vibration alerted me to a new text message. If it was someone asking to meet up, I decided to just ignore it, and picked up my phone. But the message wasn’t something I could simply ignore.

-Obituary/Park Seongsu’s mother passed away on x month x day/xx Hospital Funeral Home/Funeral procession on x month x day

As I stared blankly at the message, the other female employee, who was getting ready to leave work across from me, urged me,

“Stop spacing out and go home and rest.”

I looked up and asked her,

“If a friend I met by chance after 10 years informs me of his mother’s death three days later, should I go?”

“You don’t have to go.”

Relieved by the immediate answer, I only felt that way briefly before she added coldly,

“If you plan on not seeing him for another 10 years.”

I thought it wouldn’t matter if I didn’t see him again for another 10 years. Yet, I dragged my heavy body to the funeral home because the obituary was so sudden. Of course, death is always unexpected. But Seongsu, whom I had seen just three days ago, didn’t seem like his mother had a serious illness. If that had been the case, he wouldn’t have urged me to drink more, ignoring the text from his mother that he received while we were drinking. I still remember how shocked and bewildered I was when my father suddenly collapsed a few years ago. I think that’s why I came here instead of just staying home. Unfortunately, my prediction was correct, and the funeral home was a sea of tears. What funeral home isn’t, but I learned from the bereaved family members sitting in a daze and the wails of grieving relatives that the cause was a traffic accident. Seongsu, the chief mourner, looked like he had aged 10 years in just three days, barely holding himself together. As I entered after offering my condolences at the entrance, Seongsu recognized me and his eyes widened in surprise.

“Thank you so much for coming when you must be busy.”

No, I shook my head, offered my condolences, lit incense, and turned around. I was planning to sit for a bit before leaving, so I headed towards an empty seat near the entrance when Seongsu grabbed my arm from behind. Why? I turned around, and he whispered urgently,

“You can just go.”

There must have been a reason for the distraught chief mourner to stop me and say that, but with my head heavy from the cold, I shook my head.

“It’s okay. Since I’m here, I’ll stay for a bit.”

“No, it’s not that…”

Before he could whisper the reason, the cause appeared from elsewhere.

“……Lee Seoin? Huh? Hey, you’re Lee Seoin, right?!”

I turned my frowning gaze towards the voice, which was loud enough to be considered rude in a funeral home. And seeing a man staggering to his feet from a nearby table, I cursed inwardly. Damn it, how did I miss him?

“What, you really are Lee Seoin?! Hahaha~ Same as ever, haven’t changed a bit. Oh, wait, did you always wear glasses? What, you don’t recognize me? Fuck, why aren’t you saying anything?”

The reason he went from laughing to cursing seemed to be the alcohol. Several empty soju bottles were on the table where he had been sitting, showing how much he had been drinking alone. His face, which had gained weight compared to before, was flushed red. No wonder I didn’t recognize him right away. Oblivious to the glares he was receiving for his loud voice, he snapped at Seongsu.

“Hey, this bastard doesn’t seem to remember me. More importantly, why the fuck were you meeting Lee Seoin without telling me? And you didn’t mention me? He doesn’t recognize…”

“I do. Han Dongho.”

I cut him off, grabbed his arm, and pulled him aside. He stumbled, trying to regain his balance due to his drunken state. I held onto him and said to Seongsu,

“I’ll take him outside. You should go back.”

“No, I’m grateful you came all this way…”

It was evening, and the funeral home was already crowded with mourners. A voice urgently called Seongsu’s name from behind, and he stopped mid-sentence and turned his head. I pushed his shoulder, telling him to go, and dragged Dongho, whom I was seeing for the first time in 10 years, out of the room like a sack of potatoes. He staggered, but kept muttering nonsense towards Seongsu. Most of it was complaints about how I had come and he wasn’t being treated well. I managed to drag him out of the funeral home and let go of his arm. I figured I could just get him a taxi, so I started walking towards the road when he grabbed me.

“Lee Seoin.”

What? I turned around, and he stared intently at me.

“……It really is Lee Seoin.”

I didn’t like his low voice, so I brushed his hand off and took a step back. He also took a step back to steady his swaying body. He mumbled almost inaudibly,

“The same Lee Seoin as before…”

So what? I wanted to get rid of him even more quickly.

“I’ll get you a taxi, so get in.”

“We used to meet at the club every day and drink, remember? You know, right? Back then, I was so popular, so many guys were clinging to me, trying to date me…that Seongsu bastard used to follow me around too.”

Ignoring his drunken rambling, I took a step to hail a taxi. But he stopped me from behind.

“I brought my car. I have a car, my car.”

He staggered towards the parking lot. Before I could stop him, he took a remote control out of his pocket and ‘beeped’ the car door open. My body was getting heavier due to the cold, and it seemed unlikely that this drunkard would get into a taxi easily. Where did things go wrong? I sighed inwardly and chased after him as he almost reached the car. I’ll just drive him and go home no matter what.

Fortunately, although Dongho was drunk, he seemed to remember where he lived. I entered the address he gave me into the navigation system and drove for about 30 minutes. However, listening to Dongho’s drunken rambling next to me, it felt like I had been driving for 30 hours.

“You were surprised to see me there, right? Ahhh…I had no choice but to go. Seongsu’s family used to be servants for my family. My mother is so nosy, she kept telling me to go. So, I went as their master. Seongsu’s family is poor, so they can’t survive without our help. Because we’re rich…we have a lot of money… I just got this car recently, how is it? Nice, right?”

He then went on to brag about the car, but with just a quick glance around, you could tell that this car wasn’t his. A rosary hanging from the rearview mirror, a pretty air freshener, a CD of 70s Korean pop songs, etc. It seemed like it belonged to an older woman.

“……Lee Seoin. Lee Seoin?”

Perhaps tired from his chatter, Dongho kept calling my name. Annoyed, I turned to look at him, and Dongho, who had turned towards me, was staring at me with half-closed, vacant eyes. Uncomfortable with his persistent gaze, I turned the steering wheel and asked,

“Why are you staring at me like that?”

“Huh? How did you know I was looking at you?”

I was the idiot for asking a drunkard. I closed my mouth and looked thankfully at the navigation system, which indicated that we were arriving at our destination in 10 meters. But Dongho’s slurred mumbling from beside me caught my attention.

“You never knew when I was looking at you before.”

Before? I wondered what he meant, but when I saw the destination we had arrived at, I was so dumbfounded that I couldn’t say anything. I thought it was strange when we started heading towards the entertainment district, but the place we stopped at only had flashing signs. A place that looked like a high-end bar at first glance. Still, I held onto the hope that he might be living above the bar, so I craned my neck to look up at the building when I heard the click of a door opening and Dongho got out of the car. And before I could stop him, he went down the stairs leading to the basement. I muttered to myself involuntarily,

“……This is crazy.”

I figured there would be someone inside who knew him, since it was a place Dongho was familiar enough with to call his home address. At least the security guard who had stopped me at the entrance. But neither the security guard upstairs nor the employee who greeted me downstairs knew Dongho’s name.

“I’m looking for a drunk man who came in a little while ago.”

When I said that, the employee said, “Ah,” and nodded.

“You mean the person who came to see Director Park?”

Not knowing who Director Park was, I just held out Dongho’s car keys.

“It’s the car parked in front of the building. His name is Han Dongho, please give these to him.”

I thought that would be the end of it, but another person, who was passing by, suddenly interrupted. Unlike the young employee who had been dealing with me, this older man seemed to be the manager of the place, as he recognized Dongho’s name. He abruptly shouted at the employee who had been talking to me,

“Han Dongho? Han Dongho, you say? What? You let him in here?”

“Yes, but who is he…”

“Who is he?! He’s the beggar who can’t even pay his tab, he’s been banned from this place for months! How could you let someone like that in?!”

A beggar who can’t even pay his tab. The words used to describe Dongho sounded strange to me. Then the manager turned his frowning gaze towards me.

“Did you bring him here? Please take him back.”

This is insane.

“I just drove him here…”

“You said you brought him here, didn’t you? He has a huge tab, and if our boss finds out, there will be hell to pay. I’ll get yelled at too. I’ll find him for you, so hurry up and take…”

“I don’t know him.”

Having worked in this company for five years, I often had conflicts with the construction companies or interior design firms we worked with. It was usually a fight over whose fault something was, so to avoid taking all the blame, I had no choice but to shift the responsibility. Even if it meant lying. I brazenly added to the manager, who had finally stopped talking,

“I just drove someone I don’t know here. You take care of the rest and get him out.”

I was about to hand the keys to the manager, whose face was crumpled, when his distorted expression suddenly turned pale as he looked behind me.

“Oh, Director Park!”

Following his startled voice, a sharp curse came from behind.

“Hey, fuck, are you going to run your business like this? You couldn’t even stop one person and let a beggar into my room?”

Beggar. I think I knew where this word originally came from and spread. Honestly, I barely remember the faces of the people I met 10 years ago. But the moment I heard the voice, I knew exactly who it was.

“I apologize, Director Park. The employee is new, he started last month, so he didn’t know…”

“Shut up and get that beggar out of here! You’ve ruined my mood! How are you going to take responsibility for this? Dongho, you beggar. You promised you’d never show your face again after borrowing money from me last time.”

Listening to the annoyed voice, I slowly turned around. I saw a man with his shirt unbuttoned down to his chest under the dim lighting. Brown hair that looked tame, a small, single piercing, and a face thinner than I remembered. He had gained wealth from royalties and fame as a producer, hadn’t he? With his hollow cheeks and the suit he was wearing, you could tell he had aged. He also seemed more mature. But even though he looked like he had everything, I didn’t feel as inferior as I used to. Just a feeling that he was still doing well. Maybe because I figured I wouldn’t be seeing him again. Rather, a sense of wonder was stronger. I’ll probably end up seeing Gitae too at this rate. I clicked my tongue inwardly and tossed the car keys towards his chest. Mooyoung, who hadn’t been looking at me and kept directing his anger at the manager, was startled by the suddenly flying keys and looked down. Fortunately, he caught the keys in his hand before they hit the floor and looked up with angry eyes.

“Hey, what the…”

His mouth, which had been yelling at me, froze. He froze like a statue, as if he couldn’t believe he recognized me so easily. His wide eyes wouldn’t leave my face. But I couldn’t just stand there. I really wanted to go home.

“Give these to Dongho.”

I left those words and walked past him, finally making my way outside. The cold air outside felt more welcoming than ever. Remembering the subway station I had passed on my way here, I quickened my pace, but I couldn’t go far before I stopped.

“……Lee Seoin. Lee Seoin!”

Damn it. What is it with my name? Why is everyone shouting it so loudly? I turned around wearily. Mooyoung, perhaps because he had run up the stairs, stopped a few meters away from me, slightly out of breath. His eyes still held the suspicion of ‘Are you him?’ but as he looked me up and down, it disappeared completely. And then he said,

“Nice to see you.”

He even smiled as if he really was pleased. He tilted his head, his face flushed with excitement, as if he had met an old friend after a long time.

“You haven’t changed a bit.”

Yeah, you haven’t changed a bit either. That confident attitude of yours. No matter what he did wrong, his guilt never seemed to outweigh his confidence. Or perhaps, after 10 years, he thought it was okay to greet me warmly. But I had no reason to be pleased. I turned and started walking again, and a sarcastic remark came from behind.

“That hasn’t changed either. Running away whenever you’re scared or in a disadvantageous situation.”

I turned halfway and looked back at him.

“Yeah, it hasn’t.”

Perhaps surprised by my easy agreement, his smile faltered for a moment. Looking at him, I said quickly, out of exhaustion,

“So be careful.”

“About what?”

“You never know, the unchanged me might approach Gitae.”

I felt his expression distort for a very brief moment. I thought it was childish when Seongsu had wished for Mooyoung’s downfall, but I almost laughed at the expression on Mooyoung’s face just now. What, was he actually scared of me? I guess I was the same as Seongsu. Because it felt a little satisfying.

The next day, a sore throat finally caught up with me. Fortunately, it was still just a sore throat, with no cough or runny nose, so I figured I could hide it as long as I didn’t open my mouth. It wasn’t difficult, since I only had to see the director briefly during the morning meeting and could be out all day with the excuse of being on-site. So with a slightly feverish and foggy head, I sat in the meeting room, half-listening to the director’s excited chatter. There was rarely anything important he said anyway. His designs were brilliant enough to be called genius, but perhaps because of that, he was more suited to being an artist than an architect. He was extremely sensitive, meticulous, and had extreme mood swings. On days when he was in a good mood, he was incredibly upbeat, but on bad days, the entire office was shrouded in darkness. And a slightly high-pitched voice for a man, somewhat feminine gestures. He liked cute trinkets and would chatter endlessly when he was in a good mood, so people who met him for the first time often misunderstood him, like I did. Thinking he might be gay. When he readily accepted me, even though rumors about me being gay were preventing me from getting a job, I wondered if he had hired me because he was gay too. But that wasn’t the case. He was a 100% heterosexual man who was crazy about women. He was also a married man with a wife and three children. Even though he laughed while covering his mouth like that.

“Hehehe~ I heard that the building that ○○ firm bought and remodeled isn’t selling even at rock-bottom prices. Director Jang over there is going around every day trying to sell it. Hehehehehe~”

He was also a huge gossip. ○○ firm was one of the companies the director disliked, so he seemed to be in a very good mood today. The ongoing projects were almost complete, so there wasn’t much to discuss in the meeting, and I just hoped the director’s chatter would end soon. Perhaps because he had received his degree in Europe and worked in the US, he liked to show off his open-mindedness. One of those things was that he had a gay employee.

“Oh, by the way, Chief Lee, do you dislike long-distance relationships? A friend of mine in Paris has a younger brother who’s gay, and he’s apparently very handsome. Should I introduce you? Hmm?”

He asked with a big smile on his face. He would spout nonsense about how there aren’t many gay people in Korea, so it’s hard to find a good match, and bring up these useless suggestions every time. No matter who was present. Thanks to him, there was no one among our partner companies or clients who didn’t know I was gay.

“I’m fine.”

I answered curtly, dismissing him as usual. Of course, no matter how many times I refused, he wouldn’t give up.

“Oh, why? Date proudly. What’s wrong with being gay?”

He must have been in a really good mood today. Days like this meant he was ready to go on a long tangent about societal prejudices, so everyone was tense. Sure enough, he was about to start his usual spiel about discrimination against gay people, which we had heard dozens of times. Fortunately, the one person who could stop him spoke up.

“Director, Assistant Manager Yang says he has something to announce.”

Assistant Manager Jang, the accountant who had given me advice at the funeral home and the longest-serving employee in the company. She was the director’s wife’s cousin.

“Oh, really? Assistant Manager Yang, go ahead~”

The director turned to Assistant Manager Yang, my senior by one year, as if he had forgotten what he had just been saying. Perhaps wanting to end the meeting quickly, he quickly spoke up.

“We received a proposal for a long-term contract from a company. Of course, we’ll have to compete with other firms, but I think it’s a good opportunity. I heard they’re planning to expand their business and increase the number of their stores.”

Which company? The director asked, and Assistant Manager Yang said the company name. Everyone seemed to be hearing it for the first time, but I, who had been half-asleep, was the opposite. I wasn’t stupid enough to forget the name of Gitae’s company. My drowsy body, sluggish from the cold medicine I had taken in the morning, stiffened as if it had been electrocuted. I listened in disbelief as Assistant Manager Yang briefly explained the company when the director cut him off.

“If it’s stores, they’re all going to be the same, right? How boring. I have a really interesting project. Hehehe~ Did I mention it before? My friend runs a big Bulgogi restaurant in the US.”

I had heard it over a hundred times. ‘Admiral Yi Bulgogi Restaurant.’ I had heard about two hundred times how the director designed it and even made a turtle ship model inside. Just as everyone was frowning and thinking, “Turtles again?” he added something new.

“And guess what a famous person said after eating there? Hmm? Hmm?”

Perhaps because he was excited about the ‘famous person,’ his voice became especially high-pitched. No one answered, but the director, unable to contain his excitement, covered his mouth with his hand again.

“Well, Mr. Kim Yibang came and said his nephew was going to build a building in Korea. Hehehe~ So my friend introduced me to him!”

“…….”

Everyone was silent. At this point, he would usually explain who Mr. Kim Yibang was, but the director couldn’t take his hand away from his mouth.

“Ehehehe~ I’m going to take that project.”

Who is Mr. Kim Yibang? Someone couldn’t hold back and asked, and the director, as if offended, stopped laughing.

“Mr. Kim Yibang is a famous caddy. And the nephew he caddies for is none other than professional golfer Chae Minho.”

As if 10 years of blocked encounters had suddenly burst open, I was suddenly faced with all of them.

Every architect has a dream. To build their own house. Even if it’s just a dream for now due to lack of money, they diligently draw useless blueprints and build models for someday. Whenever we meet up for drinks, this topic always comes up, and everyone gets excited even though it’s the same conversation every time. In our conversations alone, each of our houses has been expanded and renovated dozens of times. It’s a distant dream that will only come true decades from now for salaried workers like us, but our attitude towards it is more serious than any other work. These days, the trend is to run a pension after retirement. The blueprints for a cozy house and a small garden for our families are tucked away in drawers, and now we excitedly envision sturdier buildings. Of course, with our measly monthly salaries, after paying off loan interest, sending living expenses home, paying insurance premiums, and so on, the future is bleak. But for office workers like us, who are moving forward at a snail’s pace, this dream is the pillar that keeps us going to work. So the most enviable news is hearing that someone has bought land in a good location.

“Deputy Park bought land?”

The instant coffee I was drinking in the office after lunch suddenly tasted bitter. Deputy Park was a deputy manager in his 40s at a construction company we partnered with.

“Is it that xx area that Deputy Park was always singing praises about?”

Assistant Manager Yang, a few years my senior, shook his head.

“He can’t afford that. It’s such a prime location. Deputy Park was crying before, saying he couldn’t afford it even if he sold himself.”

The location is definitely prime. I recalled the company outing we had with the partner company for “team building.” It was called a team-building event, but everyone actually went to see the land that Deputy Park had been raving about. That place…it was worth raving about. Aside from the perfect harmony of mountains and water that Deputy Park always praised, it was also close to the city center and had good transportation. I would want to buy it too if I had the money. Listening to Assistant Manager Yang talk about Deputy Park, I thought of the lottery ticket in my wallet. If I win the first prize, I’ll buy it right away. As I was making this resolution, Assistant Manager Yang also took out his lottery ticket and started chanting.

“I bought this at a store where the second prize has come out three times. That land is mine now.”

Looking at my competitor’s lottery ticket, I cursed it to not win. Assistant Manager Yang, who had been concentrating intently, suddenly grumbled as he put the lottery ticket back in his wallet.

“Life is so unfair. I’m staking my dream on this piece of paper, while someone born with a silver spoon can easily build a villa as if they’re picking out shoes.”

Finishing the rest of my coffee, I asked, “Who?” The aftertaste was overly sweet, perhaps because of the sugar that had settled at the bottom. I frowned slightly, but Assistant Manager Yang’s answer made it impossible for me to unfurrow my brow.

“The company that sent the proposal. I went there yesterday, and the deputy manager in charge of the new business is around our age. Handsome face, tall, and such a cheerful personality! We were talking, and it turns out he plays the guitar too. Seriously, a total golden boy. But then I found out he’s the son of the company president.”

“…….”

“No wonder he acted all humble about being promoted to deputy manager this month after starting at the bottom. He said he wasn’t in a position to show his face to others until he became a deputy manager because he looked ridiculous. He said it jokingly, but it offended me. Is he saying everyone who isn’t a deputy manager looks ridiculous? Anyway, he seems to have a good head on his shoulders, since all the new business ideas seem to come from him. But as we talked about the proposal, I realized it wouldn’t work with us. He seemed to be half-heartedly talking about business, and we ended up just chatting. Maybe he felt bad later, because he started talking about a villa. He said he has some empty land and wants to build a villa there. And that he doesn’t care how much it costs. Ah, fuck…”

Assistant Manager Yang cursed and came to a serious conclusion.

“I was so envious.”

He let out a big sigh as if he really was envious. But this time, I couldn’t sympathize with him. Because we had completely broken up, I hadn’t felt anything when I heard his name before, but now, everything I heard about him made me frown.

“He said he wanted to request our services for a while now. He also knows about your work. Oh, and he asked about you too. He said he saw your picture on the website and really likes your work. If they contact us, do you want to handle it?”

“No.”

Perhaps finding my curt refusal strange, Assistant Manager Yang looked at me with a questioning “Huh?” I forced a smile and suppressed my feelings. No matter how close we were, he was still my senior. I couldn’t just say I didn’t want to do it.

“I think the project I’m currently working on will be delayed. Besides, the director told me to check all the previous projects for defects. It’s such a pain. Ah, if Assistant Manager Yang takes care of it, I could handle the villa project…”

“No! You take care of that. I won’t bother you at all. Don’t worry about the villa!”

There was no doubt that Gitae had contacted our company because of me. I went to the company website, which I had forgotten even existed, and clicked on the organization chart. Thanks to the director’s love for staged photos, there was a picture of me sitting at my desk, drawing blueprints. I had turned my head to avoid showing my face as much as possible, but it seemed that people who knew me could still recognize me. Damn it, if I had known, I would have dressed up like the director and stood by the window with a coffee cup. Closing the website, I felt a little depressed by my less-than-impressive appearance. Even though it was his father’s company, Gitae had become the deputy manager in charge of business development, as if to show off. So he had become someone who didn’t look ridiculous, and now he was trying to contact me…I stopped myself mid-thought and shook my head. It had already been 10 years. It was just my delusion that he still thought of me and wanted to contact me. Perhaps he had requested our company’s services, saw me on the website, and quickly closed it in surprise. 10 years was like that. Like a can with preserved emotions, once opened, its contents would be past their expiration date and useless. Or perhaps they would have disappeared completely, leaving nothing behind. So he must have forgotten about me. On the portal site I habitually visited, the kid’s name appeared in large letters.

‘Chae Minho, participating in the XX Open the day after tomorrow, arrived in Korea this morning.’

I clicked through the pictures of his arrival at the airport, one by one. A picture of him walking quickly, avoiding reporters with a baseball cap pulled low. Looking at the huge crowd of reporters and cameras surrounding him, I thought it would be better if he didn’t remember me. That way, I wouldn’t be embarrassed to pretend to be a fan and ask for his autograph if I happened to see him later.

As the weekend passed and a new work week began, there was no room in my mind to think about people from the past. A problem arose with the construction, so I went down to the site early Monday morning, spent two days there, and finally returned to the office on Wednesday. From the morning, I was called in by the director and scolded repeatedly, being told not to even eat until the issue was resolved. Closing the director’s office door, I repeated to myself dozens of times, “Damn it, should I quit?” I kept repeating it until I sat down at my desk, and Assistant Manager Yang consoled me from beside me.

“Hey, calm down, I’ll buy you some bread.”

“…….”

“Why? Should I get you a hamburger?”

Does it look like I’m worried about not being able to eat right now? I glared at the clueless assistant manager for a moment and finally mumbled, “A sandwich.” Even if it wasn’t my mistake, if something went wrong in my department, it became my problem. Fortunately, before lunch, I received a call from the construction company saying that the problem had been resolved, so I could finally eat with a clear conscience. But was it an unlucky week for the company? As soon as my problem was resolved, an issue arose with Assistant Manager Yang’s project. The client seemed to have come and complained, saying it wasn’t what they wanted, as Assistant Manager Yang ran out with a pale face. Seeing him off without even having lunch, I offered my condolences.