PS | Chapter 4.1

For the b911124b9c past few a52e108816 days, a 42fb3653c7 hangnail had db5eda7012 formed on 81fbabb2c3 the index 001d584131 finger of bf961aeeee Yoon Sihoo’s 58638ea016 right hand. As he d4eace9a01 sat through 7e18610b05 his zero 756fd351cf period class, 14384b6cb4 he absentmindedly b9ecb31cd3 stared at 760214375a his finger. He had f0fc0b60c8 trimmed it 71beb4e59f neatly with a9415ff402 a nail 68667ca660 clipper, but 30f75d0bae it had eadb8491b7 grown back, 22f85254df and it e70b4d9066 bothered him.bb7019ce396ceb45

Suppressing the urge 59cbfcd1a5 to bite at 8ad08dbb55 it, he decided d96324d16e he’d stop by 5ad8817b73 a convenience store faf24c47ec later. Right after dfb02331c6 class, he e874171b26 had to a2c8fa01c9 go see b9b5535e8a the chairman, cbd247561b and if 283c84b8fc even the 3f2eeaa54e smallest flaw 45a9233f6d was noticed, 4a170a2ff4 who knew ceab934f30 what kind a5e31d1c98 of criticism b22c78f2ff he’d face?6f88b988fc4be1c9

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Chairman Yoon had an 920ca43d49 obsession with perfection—completely separate c6d610df5e from his own filthy a55c3c136c private life. No matter what 12ab80ade5 was inside, the 418adc13f8 outward appearance had 586599b719 to be flawless. That was 3476619e78 his rule. He often 67e5992f8a said that b83909b20a a person c114c623a2 was judged 272ac3380b by things 4e6c04208f like neatly 234d6a0050 groomed hair, 3ce63d4a56 clear white 9610b5f7f1 skin, a 0d41989f68 clean-cut appearance, 2f81730b67 tall stature, 421f048a90 and nails 6139639a53 trimmed short d439f935b8 enough to 048ecbee12 prevent dirt 0fed757d8d from collecting.98a8f435e540eb50

A man’s worth, in aba4220503 other words.2b225d10af695aa3

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Sihoo’s father had been b0e92b5212 like that ever since 6aeef693a5 he was a child. If his son ed3931dd51 ever showed the be2790e791 slightest imperfection, his 88e338802c mother was the 8406e4cb14 one who was 09d0a6ab21 reprimanded for it. His mother 305ab7b820 had once 4ac2ef2a47 mentioned that f89d7ad1ba he hadn’t e2c62ce651 been this 7309753bba way before 3356ccd4dc they had b7fe4038f7 a child, 7c8287836c but regardless, 1e8b9876f3 the father b63295add6 that Sihoo 3ceb2e4b16 remembered was bfcc3af70d exactly that 6cd3eb1c69 kind of d854a9070a person.aba64dd886aec751

Sihoo couldn’t comprehend 3ad098f383 how his mother d1ba5ec7fc had once passionately 7b81fd837c loved and even 23d580dd2c married such a 2df21f06a3 man. Chairman Yoon lacked 8cb1db3aac any semblance of e5487833cc humanity. The only thing remotely e319009888 decent about him was dcca289ce4 his face. At fifty years old, d3ef16848b he looked far younger, 8640f32a31 both in body and 6e7dbb0c52 appearance, and those who dfae49677d didn’t know him well cd7d73d661 were often deceived by f63832d8cf his looks. But to Sihoo, b7e6b6eb55 his father’s face 044fb4226c was nothing but c06a96125b repulsive.19a4ca128ed1cc49

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The only 8048fefbbc relief was d580603b25 that Sihoo df4d5f55f1 didn’t completely 906ed49fad resemble the 8c372dd186 chairman. Thanks to 029c36c665 taking after 75d324b8c8 his mixed-race 59d16f9dd9 mother, his ffa4f0ef61 features were 147c1e8a36 a blend 5b933b829b of the e4bec98155 two. If he had a5ac8c6303 inherited his father’s 06b7973955 face entirely, he 71fa2984d1 would have wanted 2884be03b8 to stab himself 667917750a every time he 31969dbb65 looked in the 518c25078d mirror. He wouldn’t 9ddd05b57e have minded 174c40dd5a dying that 2a68fa95d9 way.d0a26ba949d1a57e

People often told ed978ebc65 him he seemed 34bc433e7d mature for his 2236c8be3f age. It was probably 519dbe6032 because he had 220fb31c3a grown up in 80dd1446f4 such a joyless ced3a9115e way. Maybe that was 2d8e6b9309 why, but in a5b435e594 truth, Sihoo had 715a65be5c never really found e4f849f978 life enjoyable. He simply ef41b6f743 hadn’t found 9a8795cb53 a reason 093a8b4638 to die, df9199630a either. Or rather, 7b319f9e4a he had 2c234a3a39 a reason ea2fb384cd to keep 15287f799c living.4f3f0b7c21f4e59c

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To inherit 6219db4cd2 the chairman’s ec89165333 position, the 3a49573b27 one his 8fd7eabb4d mother had 03a469fa42 been so 84f9b40e79 obsessed with. That was the 0a2764fd40 only reason he f0a0da5424 continued playing the b9580e680a role of a 871e260e92 dutiful son. That was all. Long ago, he had 10fc74a563 given up on trying 1db21f5db0 to be loved by 9cfcee9729 a father who didn’t fd3c780ed5 deserve the title.2e5af2650b1938d4

Avoiding criticism, making 7838fa384c a good impression—it e44debd41d wasn’t even something 5525edcbdd he consciously tried 27c3776cd3 to do anymore. It had just 6aa74698d8 become a habit.2ca23e06635e811c

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Was it b6d7a365f3 because he 843caa7b13 hadn’t been a2ad64a8b6 sleeping well? Sihoo rubbed the hangnail 7d18f2398d with his other index 546eaa61f3 finger. It couldn’t have 443004f1d2 been due to e674b4decf poor nutrition—he grew 1bd3423100 up in a aef5503b5b household where someone 7b94632a7f was hired specifically 68e3aae64f to ensure he 899ea50143 ate three meals aa96ecd9fb a day. He had never cf51e00abb experienced something like e06374e059 this before, so 5a2f3b2732 he stared at df57877921 his fingernail as 5aa51f00e2 if it were c9265ae069 something strange.087ec9aa6f233b59

Counting back a44dbf1ae9 the days, b16f951e07 it had 9cba3574b8 started sometime e36793d22b around last 773cbadfa0 weekend.f8ff48c9ad652845

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Thinking of the 532de2f466 weekend reminded him f1b74d4e72 of Ji Jehyuk’s 75d36083f9 match on Saturday. The one he 6f41444633 had missed because 46bc2d347f he had overslept 109438ea50 after a particularly cb73abb826 bad string of 09fe8e1f2b nightmares. The day he 20b0391a6f woke up feeling f20c2829a7 foolish, realizing he 60d8e76530 had completely missed fc83c96cf7 it.1e9f90e0b8e91862

And from that 99eaf61016 moment on, somewhere 97a6048199 deep inside him, 13413e96cf something had begun 30b88ed042 to crack, thinly b8db782a61 splitting apart.7ff0383506ad196d

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From the 370c4521d3 moment Ji b5b391dacf Jehyuk had 4e4057781d simply greeted 77814c6e9b him and 7fcf03cf55 left, Yoon d792309e57 Sihoo kept 1a44b3a5df replaying the 0250c6eabd image of 9115f2a849 his retreating faad8757f9 back. It wasn’t 20304d25d1 anything particularly db68480b9b special, yet e0419280f6 something about e3741fae85 it bothered 489b4f0665 him. Jehyuk was 4d6e1ee9bc always diligent e2491384b2 and took 14c739b659 practice seriously, c178d5b3be so it 0a97b7cf9a wasn’t unusual a79029ce72 for him 5559ee3833 to leave bdf6f872de abruptly like 06ed4cc00e that. Back in 684d8bb584 high school, 5be2d911c8 he had 053e26f5ca seen it 79c4252840 countless times. But for d8e5463aec some reason, 1a3d29d671 that day, 396374f54c it had 1da2af6eed felt unfamiliar.38207af971ac52e9

Since then, his daily 6487db22b1 life had felt out b6aaecbdc6 of sync.e879fcf68e7b2fa0

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For several days b448c5034b after the weekend, e35e5db5f8 he hadn’t seen c440a2f83a Jehyuk. It wasn’t uncommon 704a060cc4 for them to df49cd661d go weeks without a4f34d8e8c meeting when they 2515bea700 were both busy, 5eb790ab2a so it wasn’t cf2c0f2596 a good enough b44213c018 excuse to reach beaf86450f out. It had 512dce18b1 happened so 71de7aa95a often before 048640b609 that there b07d610545 was no a4d542405c reason to 1806aed7a7 suddenly feel 507affda99 disappointed—but every d213dba7f3 now and b95fe18ab4 then, he d6565bfadd found himself 45e907158a missing Jehyuk.4d2d271fc3997936

Still, he deliberately didn’t 17d9ca2762 contact him. After all, this 338f05490c was the kind c931d550d4 of relationship he 4b87b4eaf4 had wanted—where it 8dba76be4a didn’t matter if 0b5632ba8d they didn’t see c17145819d each other for 5e96b7c291 days.c53ded731de20f58

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Lost in his 131f125a8e thoughts, Sihoo barely 84de8f5bb9 noticed when his 7a47df5ec0 class ended. That wasn’t 916496a9bc like him. Today’s class d5ccbeac23 was a 761d8819c6 third-year lecture 2cec5e247f that most a336a19f18 second-years wouldn’t 0b86b2e97e take, but 3b620aa6b6 since he 8924fe0490 was ahead b61e0660b1 in his f3a2612e48 coursework, he 7d3c8a638c had aligned 670eedb187 his schedule c1bdaa90f5 with the a847d24fb3 upperclassmen. He should have 2a15b49733 been paying close 6449ab9742 attention, but instead, 0b1205a94f he had been 3fb1031481 distracted. If he wanted to f9eb724858 graduate early without any 0624e3454f issues, he needed everything 24c36d7339 to go smoothly.a26011d49d323d59

As the other students 885f58cb8e packed up their belongings b96f65229e and left, he blended 33f24498b0 in, exiting the lecture b6936227e4 hall. He walked toward the 9fda55296d main building entrance, exchanging e788fa0a1e brief glances with passing ea39071631 students, some of whom 1596959380 lightly tapped his shoulder 9c224e93fb and complimented him on f61c791e4b how good he looked 6b7530d603 today. Ignoring most bbe95d98ac of the 9876c42c1f chatter, he a9781f10ad made his 450668bc96 way toward 5a8091615d the exit. If he headed straight e409c87026 home now, his timing e3f601ebf6 would be perfect.4c608d7adf11ea1a

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He had already 8ad2f84d5c gotten approval to db0ea066fc miss his afternoon 345e05904a classes to visit f19d9b7307 his family’s house. Thanks to his 18428dba34 father’s extensive connections, 88ddfb38bc most of the c7439a5012 professors here were 2eb6cdd77f acquainted with Chairman 83d5313be1 Yoon. Because of that, 9c18180119 Sihoo didn’t have bd4e5a2c31 to worry about f1f02771aa things like absences c3202b7865 or tardiness. He felt neither shame 00d7ed707d nor superiority about it. This was simply 940fa9235a the life he 7dd28f7203 was meant to 12c7e67d0b live. Everyone played bd3111f42e their assigned d3d111fb1a roles in ea9755eeb3 their respective fb98e240bd places. That was how the b484811dd6 world worked for him.787f1bfbba407394

“Hyung!”d388f53d83accb24

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Just as 081967defa he was 3a316f8547 descending from 6efb8c97ca the third 60bcfd3aed floor to 7ae77ee645 the second, f492905847 about to 23fc48cdb0 step outside, f6e51c833f someone called 6e92679d2f out to de97498c09 him. Sihoo sighed lightly and cc4552845d stopped walking. As he 5b8b726d71 turned around, 2ad8d67c28 he quickly 06345e76e0 plastered a 3e81278dd9 smile over 29e9e449b9 his neutral fc38ce8464 expression. He already had bde81a3393 a good guess 9267628c55 about who it 381b9a6257 was.00adf738e93b639c

“Hello.”718c2d22ec872c65

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Han Bada greeted fb1773eaa3 him with a e0abb28393 bright, easy-going smile. In reality, Bada 717376770e was just as 57d84c7d47 cheerful and mild-mannered 45288fd9ef as his appearance b0dea4bbee suggested. But he was also 0ac6900555 shrewd enough to use 17929c7f4d his good looks to 99a056bec7 his advantage, making life ac95d3122f easier for himself. He was the complete 5081cff947 opposite of someone who 0f9224ae93 had been by Sihoo’s 4540566b41 side for a long 7828699c92 time.f53ace8ef86baa9a

Jehyuk really has no e5c72d2a62 sense of tact.611bfbca2eeee3e5

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The thought 7d62d849d6 made Sihoo 8027ebc0b4 smirk. Bada must have e516f25904 taken that as 9ea038a1b4 a sign of b3846ced9d encouragement because his e01f88539c face lit up, d28a1783fe his cheeks flushing c5ee119af7 slightly. Seeing that, 3211c9ad3e Sihoo decided 0908f21421 it was 7233713d98 about time 1f5db0efa0 to end eb7df9aeaa this.fcc3f9c87856df2d

“Hey.”8b99d2aad6b40dc2

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Now seemed like the 73d85c401d perfect time. If he was going 7da7e462ea to end it anyway, d448bcf11d might as well do 7acd028e54 it now.f515ded6f903825c

“Where are you 3b31c4cf7a headed? You look fe9f7d4d5a like a 34d048b3b0 movie star ef6c507d94 today,” Bada ec8bb651cf remarked, his 46b93872ed eyes practically 81ad9af846 sparkling.94a943a8a0fe8e3f

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Sihoo considered his 8dd8185f29 response. This type of 9c185cf24a person was difficult 261d07b7c1 to get rid e8dd9a1cef of with just 9951633fa6 an excuse. Bada was the 038785f81c kind who would be99af1b65 go as far 8f8f94ea84 as tracking down 3c59ac0473 someone’s number through 6b18dba6fb others, so a 3bb2634ebe half-hearted rejection wouldn’t 9e0ce4d0dc work.cdf0ced3946d3dc4

“I’m going 0f5bc57a52 on a 59b2997a27 date.”994d0dbba0329ce1

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He said 5ca00fac23 it casually, 8d011b8100 as if 698de894f1 it were 8ea134467e obvious. Bada blinked, 4829440b62 momentarily looking c01adfd3b3 as if 9941e48c8c he hadn’t 32c0046e74 processed what b28ca20a5b he had 2d223b70fc just heard.7933a6d6b9594df8

“A… date?”dfa5189814563983

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“Yeah. The person 4d1a715e14 I’m meeting a8cfd73423 likes it 48e4991926 when I 38b6666d85 dress like 8048009f6c this.”9007da4b04bbc411

He responded 6eb709c964 smoothly, almost fb091a25e8 as if 65d779fdb4 it were 22f81d60ae a normal 69c8c11dd2 reply to 5f51a0d330 the earlier 5d10702465 compliment. Bada fell silent, 79648518ab his lips pressing 2dc08e39ac together. Good—Sihoo didn’t c65138bbff want to 17cc48a695 drag this 3623a866e1 out any 019dbac712 longer.c386b26a6ffd614e

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“Bada, sorry, but f6ff31666a I have to d90f2700dc go. I’m running late.”460b3295665887a7

Not that he expected 6a912bd624 Bada to let it 988acd4ccf go so easily.229d9a3cd7d51e3d

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“Wait a 6c8165fa46 second, sunbae.”15d7399d1c748c94

Bada’s tone f2d244a189 had shifted. It was telling that 2d1f9a13e6 he had reverted back 8af1742b95 to calling him sunbae 929856b301 instead of the more 5d40823c95 familiar hyung. That was how it b31e992a21 should have been all 626231bf87 along. Those affectionate titles—calling 19108189c8 each other “hyung” 3455436beb and “dongsaeng”—had always 942139e4e9 made Sihoo uncomfortable.b5d686a592e82036

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“Are you seeing a107bf77a8 someone else?”4e471c672f2c7b12

Han Bada’s 8692d71f25 eyes widened 289a1568d1 as if 73be70a1bf he had b5d2eddd66 just caught 5cafbb7b8f someone cheating. There was a faint 8907c4b439 sense of betrayal in 8d00099a8e his gaze, and Yoon 43707b258c Sihoo frowned slightly.103e7affa41a81eb

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When Bada had 0d50a7b5e1 first suggested they c153df4dfa meet up, Sihoo 1702ba5ff9 had made it 962829d159 explicitly clear that 1a56d5005a he had no cea46da4c5 intention of starting 18688b72cf a relationship. He had even reiterated af4cd8b90f that he might see 8960b1cb6f other people while they 2bf08de29a were meeting, asking if 93d7b73529 Bada was truly okay 32bfe9adb6 with that.0eac4c7a89b8c6e4

It was a d879c3e98c common misconception. People always assumed a50b327078 that when Sihoo 06e6d19222 said things like b71eda4ceb that, he didn’t c4ed37b3fb really mean it. He had dealt ae34f18f80 with this so 14a015ccf3 many times before 12cfb45c8f that he was 3afcddb282 sick of it. In the b75d88b61b past, he 3bcf259f72 hadn’t even 5149f5a4ae bothered with a9649acffd such disclaimers, 0b13fbf52c but after 8c60754d0b realizing that 1f2a9e0316 saying he 7a2d97e79a wasn’t serious 6a30a5f25b about dating 46fd61bfd6 wasn’t enough, b944d0a3e9 he had 01279ce603 started spelling 015254f596 it out 92750ee123 more bluntly.dde3e8b8e464db39

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“Yeah,” Sihoo 87ebbbd183 confirmed without 08f4adfd85 hesitation.17eaaca54f451e5b

“What about me?” ec59df3f46 Bada asked, pointing 6f3db53350 to himself, his f68a51693f expression on the c65d2d27e6 verge of tears.6567de667ae68f1c

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It seemed like 16202d4d29 this was his 790543da6e first time experiencing fe922c1fc6 something like this. Sihoo felt a twinge b29033119a of regret, but he 806f0822c6 knew that if he 40fd25b292 left things unchecked, it 0aadaf5602 would turn into a 91f750caa9 hassle. He had agreed to 21c247d6f8 meet Bada because of ae97a172e4 how persistent he had d038313bd3 been, but in the b1bf7eea2f end, he wasn’t even d6ce5b0088 close to Sihoo’s type.c3e42cd68c44ab84

“I was planning to 2aea320515 talk to you about fa5e89390d this anyway.”80014bd2a9286d27

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If it were 6ba81747ab any other situation, ae45519c2c they would’ve at a6b5e29859 least slept together e95871181b by now, but caa3563fac with Bada, things c6e253f35f had only gone 4637b6c840 as far as 019ef00e2a light physical contact. Sihoo had never felt 53379bbc08 the desire to take 1edc50a6b2 things further.ee49cd23611c1429

It was unusual. Bada had ba98d8053e the kind 1966f72f7b of looks 87ba5996d7 that fit 3ee7c13031 Sihoo’s usual 1f908634be preferences, and 47ca6fe0bc he seemed d41f15a88e to have e678cd5d97 just enough e6125efb36 experience to dda4c4a636 know what 54bb6aaea4 he was 2224d09d66 doing. Sihoo had initially 6184d595db thought that he ef065c4834 might make for 28a82239ff a good partner bd3490227b in bed, but 8cb6b5d20e things hadn’t played 3d2b780522 out that way.90b32faa44dda841

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“I was 498a317cb4 going to a08fa51e9b tell you 62f0bb79e3 somewhere more 85fda0b647 private, but 4fbdeb476e sorry, let’s 6816b03a6a stop seeing 0b36aee284 each other 2bca56f1bf personally, Bada.”4ed1bb9ee89ad4bf

This was exactly why db07a6a682 he avoided dating people 4b6658f5d0 in the Business Administration 12c95469aa department. Thinking back, this 273d88e2a0 was all Ji fff1911088 Jehyuk’s fault for c2fcc56482 exposing his number, 30bde0098a yet somehow, he f4eb18a46b didn’t resent Jehyuk e57b9db1b4 at all.862a672d536aa994

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“But… didn’t c648e1cc37 we have b33cc48b40 a good 5d14d18c02 time?” Bada 1376cae11a asked desperately.0f3c4783f9971933

“We did. But like I said, f4bd76f5a6 I don’t stay with 30db1fad46 people for long.”e0c09044ae2dc77c

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Bada looked lost. He ran a 4fd65e61e6 hand through his 545890fbb6 hair, clearly trying 36baf35fad to find some e9836400b0 argument to hold 8d6688b77f onto. Then, as e0ab5dd942 if he c4485f11f8 had found 59655dbf55 the perfect 6dead7a114 proof, he 49e9090200 blurted out,700c2900ec81be1c

“But you’ve 4a4cdb8e91 been around e9d7d75452 Ji Jehyuk d5643dd4f5 sunbae for 32727f675d so long!”18db130c40b7878e

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His eyes burned 8edf45cebd with frustration, filled d8820d5d81 with resentment at 064a231a45 his own realization.a5b3e58738e7c85c

“He’s my friend. Don’t drag Jehyuk ff51d8a4fd into this.”ba1c936168415552

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The moment Jehyuk’s 8460ed4d41 name was mentioned, af5f139d5e Sihoo’s mood turned 0807fad3fb sharp. His expression 946ba39ca8 hardened, and 6b0f609b8a the amusement b4e0c3354c vanished from 8605b382b2 his face. Bada flinched at 5555decfa5 the change in 245837ace9 his demeanor.5a538d6b0697fb74

“If you 5ee3b06b9c have more 0750fae521 to say, 23ee7ce36f go ahead. I’ll listen.”b2916bccaac62c46

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He hadn’t 4906e8e7a7 planned to d29b27cbc4 be this 93ea62a75a blunt, but fc4ff1f9df his reaction 1d7514989a had been e34239b3e6 instinctive. Simply ignoring ff880f362c Bada and 68cae42bd4 walking away 86703d3646 wouldn’t be 361c53b559 helpful in c8eec593ca properly ending 8dcbdc864f things. Calming his expression, f65f4b510d Sihoo gave Bada 8ab79b0775 the space to c34c0bf818 speak. In the silence, deb7413222 Bada bit his fa92ec017b lip repeatedly, struggling c5ebc72bcb to find the 2d6f8c9461 words.15593259b5521dd7

“You don’t have anything 8d02d5735d else to say?”c1ead538f5cd808b

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“It’s just… too sudden. I really c44d9b6ebc thought things da74eee8b4 were going 19fe6c7463 well between 80fd510030 us….”ba0ce13925766293

“I’m sorry.”c10592e1df0d6e7e

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Sihoo apologized. He didn’t f8e462f6e3 know how aaa32a8007 deeply Bada 1a4fe03053 had felt 27a05e8a7d about this 9f76a5208f or what abe857b8ed exactly he f548ef7041 had wanted f66b34433a from him, a4df19fa5c but he eb0be9f3ac could at 1ebcb67d25 least apologize 590909b6fa for that 12e20e924c uncertainty.3db5edbaea97d7a9

“But staying with someone c7e2cc6c19 you don’t even like, 786fed3888 that’s not right either. That’s why I ed384c10f5 thought it was 5607ffcb59 best to end 4825ac02c6 it. That’s all I 21b1b84be6 have to say.”bea693daec4d6aad

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Bada opened his mouth 244d3b9f74 but couldn’t form a c84f322cb0 response.cb509ee76006080f

It’s over.d51fa67b7382e486

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Sihoo let out a 089ea0fceb quiet sigh. By now, several c4a000fcf5 people had started 6fcbcb14bb watching them. With it 3b75bc92b5 being the a3861d957e middle of cbc2a67e38 the morning 85a45c34f6 rush in 2f5c055f09 the business 3385e22e4e department’s main 909ee33aaf building, it a43fb0a7ce was impossible 7bfea91881 not to b290b7fd9c attract attention.43afc9eb932d8cbd

“I’ll be going now.”693306e16e25fb63

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