PS | Chapter 3.1

It’s that dream again. Without an alarm clock, my eyes snapped open precisely at 6 AM. Instinctively trying to spring up, I suppressed the urge, pressing my lips together to stifle a scream and instead gripped the blanket tightly. Only after the blanket twisted in my hands instead of screaming did I fully wake up.

Cold sweat coated my entire body. My face might look neat, but my back was likely soaked through. I lay there for a few seconds, taking deep breaths. Gradually, I relaxed my grip on the blanket and shut my eyes tight.

In the darkness behind my eyelids, the scene from my dream flashed by—a scene with a hanged man’s feet swinging at the eye level of a young boy. Seeing it once was enough, but I’ve relived it countless times in my dreams. It no longer scared Yoon Sihoo; it had become a mechanism that drove him crazy.

No amount of medication helped. Neither counseling nor hypnosis did any good. I even followed my grandfather to a shaman to perform rituals several times, but the imprinted scene never faded and continued to haunt Sihoo’s mind all his life.

So, the method Sihoo chose was to stay up until he was extremely tired and then fall asleep. Sometimes it worked. Four days a week, this method was effective, and if he could endure the other three days, a week would pass. No matter what time he fell asleep, he woke up at the same time. If he wanted to avoid this dream, the answer was to go to bed as late as possible. It wasn’t hard. There was always something to do if he was around people. That’s why he went to drinking parties.

Sihoo grew up delaying his bedtime, but somehow, he managed to stay healthy, thanks to the medicine and supplements constantly provided by his grandfather and his wife. To become a worthy successor, there could be no slack compared to others.

Of course, for the wife who had to raise him, it must have been tough. After clinging desperately to the chairman’s side to secure her position as his wife, she discovered her husband was infertile when she finally achieved it.

The chairman’s infertility wasn’t natural. It was the result of his mother’s revenge, who never wanted to let her husband off easily. She made sure that their only child could not be replaced, even if she died, and secretly executed her plan before passing away. As a result, the wife had to raise another’s child as her own.

Such are the cruel and horrible acts of love, truly.

Sihoo slowly regained his composure and sat up. One of the worst things about dreaming like this was it made him recall unnecessary parts of the past. The negative emotions that came with it were just an added burden. On such days, his mood was so low that smiling at people felt overwhelming. Today would probably be no different.

While filtering through these intrusive memories, Sihoo became aware of Ji Jehyuk’s presence lying next to him. The reason the blanket was so tight was because of Jehyuk. Blinking, he looked down beside him. Jehyuk was turned towards him, clutching the blanket in his sleep. He looked adorably like he was holding onto a piece of clothing.

That’s right. I brought a guest home.

It was an unfamiliar situation. The second time ever. Having endured unnecessary questions whenever anyone entered his home since he was young, Sihoo decided not to let anyone in his house after moving to Korea.

The questions were always similar. Are you rich? Where are your parents? Speculation filled the void left by Sihoo’s silence, often wildly off the mark, but occasionally someone would come close to the truth. Questions implying there might be something wrong with his parents were not pleasant to hear as a joke.

Thus, Yoon Sihoo decided from the start not to give anyone a reason. If he didn’t let anyone close, he wouldn’t need to deal with these unpleasant feelings.

Just deal with it appropriately.

That’s how he had lived for a long time, so having someone next to him felt incredibly strange. Last time, he had stayed up all night after putting Jehyuk in bed, so he hadn’t felt this way, but this time, it seems he actually fell asleep next to Jehyuk. Sihoo looked at Jehyuk with an indescribable feeling.

Jehyuk’s sleeping face was peaceful. It was a rarity to see such an expression when he was awake, so without realizing it, Sihoo found himself seriously admiring that face. No matter how long he looked, it wasn’t a face he could tire of.

Ji Jehyuk was hard to judge by appearances alone, which was intriguing.

Despite having a good physique that set him apart from his peers who bullied him, he was incredibly gentle. Whatever life he had lived, from the first day they met, Jehyuk seemed to have a lot he was holding back.

But that didn’t mean Jehyuk was easy. Sihoo liked the look in Jehyuk’s eyes when he glared at those who crossed the line. There was a dominance in Jehyuk that could overwhelm the other person.

To other guys, Jehyuk was an object of envy, and to girls, he was someone they wanted to open up to. His tall stature and manly appearance made it hard not to be popular.

Despite his popularity, Jehyuk always underestimated himself. He knew nothing about himself, yet he never forgot about Yoon Sihoo. Sometimes, it seemed like Jehyuk knew more about Yoon Sihoo than he did about himself.

Despite not saying much, there was no one who had stuck by him as long as Jehyuk had. Jehyuk was different in that way. Instead of making demands like others, he quietly observed and considered Sihoo on his own.

Sihoo liked that straightforward consideration.

“Jehyuk-ah.”

He gently touched Jehyuk’s face. Touching the body was okay, but the face was harder to touch. Jehyuk was so quick to hold his breath that Sihoo was somewhat restraining himself from doing it too often.

“Hyuk-ah.”

Maybe it was better to call him Hyuk. Calling him Jehyuk was cooler, but Hyuk was cute. Without realizing that he had forgotten the unpleasant memories that had been tormenting him just moments ago, Sihoo continued to focus on touching Jehyuk.

“Let’s wake up.”

Cute. Sihoo had been thinking this thought frequently lately. Before, he hadn’t thought of him as such a cute guy, but looking closely, Jehyuk had many cute aspects. He was a heavy sleeper and was especially sluggish when asleep, which was adorable.

Seizing the moment, Sihoo decided to feel Jehyuk’s touch a bit more. Maybe it was because he exercised, but Jehyuk’s skin felt different from others. It was moist and elastic, enough to make him want to bite into those twitching muscles and feel the sensation.

If Jehyuk had been a sexual partner rather than a friend, Sihoo would have pounced on him yesterday and they would have been having intense sex until now. Even if he asked to be let go, he wouldn’t, and he’d thrust deep, making Jehyuk arch his back. Unintentionally fantasizing about Jehyuk, Sihoo belatedly stopped himself. It wasn’t right to think this way about Jehyuk, who was more than a passerby.

If he wanted to last long, he had to avoid getting emotionally entangled. Sihoo reminded himself of his own rule. But he couldn’t help feeling regretful. Jehyuk was a type he had never encountered before, and both his personality and appearance fit Sihoo’s tastes perfectly. If they had met as partners, he would have probably kept him close the longest.

But it would end eventually.

When he thought about a future with someone, a strong sense of skepticism inevitably covered his heart. Sihoo’s lips, which had been smiling at Jehyuk, slightly fell, and he removed his hand. After telling Jehyuk not to like him, fantasizing like this didn’t seem right, and Sihoo realized he needed to put some distance between them. This whole situation was inappropriate.

If it had been anyone else, it would have ended yesterday. Sihoo hated situations that occurred regardless of his own will. The mistake Jehyuk made was, in fact, unforgivable by his standards since he had betrayed his trust.

But when he actually heard Jehyuk’s sobbing voice over the phone, he couldn’t dismiss him as he had thought. For the first time, he realized how precious a long-time friend could be. To even overlook that…

Regrettable, but it was.

Sihoo scanned Jehyuk. The sight of Jehyuk he had witnessed along with a kiss kept flashing before his eyes, making him feel a regret that seemed out of place. But he knew this was a more dangerous sign. If this continued, it would evolve into some frivolous emotion and soon come to an end. Then he would lose a precious existence he had created.

It seemed best to stop practicing physical intimacy for a while, Sihoo thought. When he first suggested it to him, Sihoo hadn’t thought they would come this far. There was an impulsive side to it. It would be a lie if he said it wasn’t cute how a guy who normally shudders and backs away when others touch him, stays still and even trembles when he does.

Jehyuk allowing only him to touch has been a thing since high school. Probably for a while longer—

“Jehyuk sunbae, do you dislike being touched by someone?”

But then, the question asked by Jeong Yieon at a drinking party flashed through his mind. He remembered how Jeong had looked at him confidently and asked about Jehyuk. He hadn’t said what happened, but it was clear there had been some physical contact between them.

Not just skinship. It seemed like they had even kissed.

Discomfort began to simmer in his throat. An inexplicable irritation swept through Sihoo, and he brushed his hair back. He had felt this emotion yesterday too, in the car, the moment Jehyuk mentioned Jeong Yieon.

It was unfamiliar, but he understood what it was. This is…

Sihoo stopped his thoughts there, as the multiple touches seemed to rouse Jehyuk from sleep. With no expression on his face, he prepared to greet Jehyuk with a smile, and as usual, put on a mask.

“Woke up, Hyuk-ah?”

Let’s not interfere anymore.

Sihoo decided. Considering how Jehyuk, who usually doesn’t show discomfort in front of others, had shown signs of discomfort with Jeong Yieon, it seemed their practice was useless. Continuing it seemed meaningless.

Jehyuk’s symptoms were not something he could solve by stepping in. Sihoo knew this, being a problematic person himself. This was a fundamental issue that needed resolving. He didn’t know what it was exactly.

There was no need to know, and it wasn’t something to worry about. He reorganized the chaos within. The proximity that had seemed to close so quickly needed to be reset to its original distance.

“…Hmm.”

Then, as if still not fully awake, Jehyuk burrowed closer to Sihoo. It was unlike Jehyuk. He leaned his forehead against the thigh of Sihoo, who was sitting up, and exhaled warm breaths, seeming about to fall asleep again.

With just a blanket separating them, the breath touching him felt hot, and for a moment, inappropriate fantasies crossed Sihoo’s mind. Visions like shoving his genitals into the inexperienced Jehyuk’s mouth and watching him struggle to cope, or on his sleeping cheek…