PS | Chapter 1.5

Sihoo, his eyes curving with a smile, poured a shallow amount of whiskey into the two crystal glasses. The sharp, potent aroma of alcohol wafted up instantly, so intense it gave Jehyuk the illusion of already feeling a bit tipsy just from catching a whiff.

“Still, you’re my only friend, Hyuk-ah. I just realized I don’t like knowing less about you than someone who suddenly showed up out of nowhere.”

Their eyes met. Maybe it was because of the lighting, but Sihoo’s eyes had a brownish tint, almost like a foreigner’s.

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“Do you want ice in it?”

“No.”

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Jehyuk shook his head. He had never tried drinking alcohol with ice before, and it seemed like it might make the taste bland and strange.

“If it’s your first time drinking this, on the rocks might be better.”

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“It’s fine. I’d rather drink it straight.”

Making a decision he might regret later, Jehyuk boldly grabbed the whiskey glass without any ice. Instead of stopping him, Sihoo simply smiled, raising the corners of his lips slightly. He also chose to skip the ice, lifting his glass.

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“Cheers.”

Their glasses clinked as they each took a sip. Having never experienced whiskey before, Jehyuk didn’t know how strong it was. Out of habit, he downed the whiskey in one gulp, as if it were a drink he had casually enjoyed before.

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From the moment it touched his lips to the heat in his throat, a fiery sensation quickly surged through him. It felt like he had just eaten something insanely spicy, his insides suddenly warming up.

Barely managing to suppress a cough, Jehyuk put the glass down. Sihoo, on the other hand, looked like he was holding back laughter, his expression clearly amused.

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“…Why are you laughing?”

“If you drink like that, you’ll get drunk, Hyuk-ah.”

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Despite the affectionate tone in Sihoo’s voice, the way he smiled made Jehyuk feel like he was being treated like a child. Irritated, Jehyuk made another rash decision and held out his glass to Sihoo.

“I don’t feel anything, though.”

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“Are you sure about that?”

Even as he said this, Sihoo poured more whiskey into the outstretched glass. The amber liquid filled the glass more slowly this time, and Jehyuk watched it, feeling an odd sense of relaxation beginning to settle in. The tension he’d been carrying since he arrived started to melt away.

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“Have you ever come here for drinks with your exes?”

Sihoo naturally shifted the conversation toward relationships. Jehyuk nodded, his gaze slightly unfocused as blurry afterimages trailed behind each movement.

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“Yeah, when they asked me to.”

“But you never suggested it yourself?”

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“I don’t really like drinking. If I drink the wrong way, I get a hangover, and it messes with my practice.”

Unprompted, Jehyuk began to ramble. Sihoo rested his chin on his hand, swirling his glass slightly as he listened.

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“And yet here you are, drinking whiskey straight without diluting it.”

“Being good at drinking and liking it are two different things. And besides, I just wanted to go along with whatever they asked.”

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Without realizing it, Jehyuk started sharing his honest thoughts—proof he was already feeling tipsy.

“You must’ve really liked them.”

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For once, Sihoo wasn’t smiling. Instead, he raised his eyebrows slightly as he asked the question. Jehyuk shook his head this time.

“No.”

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“Then why did you date them?”

The straightforward question caught Jehyuk off guard, and he pressed his lips together in silence. From this point, the story became more complicated than he wanted to admit. Torn about telling the truth, he lifted the whiskey glass and drank again, just like before. This time, Sihoo didn’t stop him and simply let him be. He, too, took another slow sip of his whiskey.

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The sight of Sihoo’s long, pale neck as he swallowed was strangely captivating. Jehyuk, who had lowered his glass first, found himself watching the scene for a moment. His head felt progressively foggier, the warmth spreading inside him gradually numbing his inhibitions.

“I didn’t want rumors to start. That’s why I went along with it. You know how people start talking if you say no.”

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Jehyuk finally spoke, sounding almost like he was venting, as if he were back at the front gate muttering under his breath. Sihoo drained his glass without a word and then smiled faintly.

“Who cares about rumors? If you’re not that kind of person, that’s all that matters.”

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But Jehyuk was that kind of person. What he feared most was the truth about himself being exposed and spreading everywhere.

“Someone like me… of course I’d keep getting dumped. It’s like clockwork—they never stay past 100 days.”

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“Then they’re the ones with no taste. Breaking up with you so quickly.”

“No, it makes sense. They all had good reasons.”

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Sihoo silently poured more whiskey into his glass.

“Do you know why?”

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Jehyuk raised a hand to cover his mouth, pausing for a moment. Unlike when he’d told Ijun he didn’t know the reason, Jehyuk actually understood it perfectly well. After all, they had all said the same thing when they left.

“…They say I don’t see them as a romantic partner.”

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The last one to tell him that had been Hong Rina. To be precise, she had said, “Do you even have a sex drive? Are you a eunuch or something?” She had been crying while carefully packing up the bouquet he had given her, but her words were clear and sharp. That’s why he had liked her. She was bright and lively, the complete opposite of him. Being with her made him feel like he could be that kind of person, too.

“What kind of evidence did they have for that?”

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“That is…”

The words that had risen to the tip of his tongue wavered, sinking back down. His heart pounded as if it were about to burst, as this was the moment he was exposing his deepest flaws. If he were sober, he wouldn’t have dared to say anything, but perhaps due to the courage fueled ambiguously by the alcohol Yoon Sihoo had suggested, he found himself speaking.

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“They never held my hand, hugged me, or even sat next to me.”

Even when walking together like a couple, they maintained a gap just wide enough for a person to walk through. And Ji Jehyuk, who always kept people at a distance, did so for a stupidly simple reason. Whenever anyone came too close, the voice of his uncle, which he had heard his entire life, echoed in his ears.

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“Stay away! You stink!”

No matter how hard he tried, his own scent was nothing but soap to his nose, but his uncle and cousins would always say such things. And honestly, they weren’t entirely wrong. He was constantly exercising, so of course, there was always the smell of sweat.

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But even beyond that, Jehyuk feared something far worse. He was terrified that anyone who got close to him would eventually realize just how pathetic he really was.

Because Ji Jehyuk…

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He tried to ignore it, bury it deep in the background, but the truth that always lingered around him eventually surfaced. Ji Jehyuk was a selfish survivor—a wretched kid who, after losing his parents, clung to life by leeching off his sympathetic aunt.

A freeloader. A filthy, smelly loser. An uninteresting person no one wanted to befriend.

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This was the real Ji Jehyuk, hidden behind his seemingly perfect exterior. He was always scared that anyone who stayed by his side would uncover how worthless he truly was.

“That happens sometimes.”

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As Jehyuk’s memories dragged him down, Sihoo spoke as if it was no big deal.

“How can you hold hands when you don’t even feel like it?”

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“…That’s not it.”

It wasn’t that he had never felt like it. There were times when he had wanted to hold the small hands of his partners, so different from his own.

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“I do want to hold hands and hug. But it just doesn’t work the way I want it to.”

Whenever he tried to move, his body would freeze up. If the other person approached first, he could have just stayed still, but his reflexes betrayed him—he’d pull his hand away or avoid them entirely. His unconscious mind took over his body, dragging it away from any intimacy.

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“Really?”

Sihoo’s voice took on an odd tone as he repeated the question. Then he lowered the hand holding his glass and began to move slowly. Jehyuk simply watched as Sihoo’s movements drew closer. That pale, slender hand crept toward him, inch by inch, until it finally covered Jehyuk’s hand, which rested next to his glass.

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In that moment, Jehyuk’s body froze.

Sihoo’s hand softly grazed the back of his, fingers sliding between his own. Intertwining their fingers from the opposite side, Sihoo clasped their hands together and asked,

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“Then what’s this, Jehyuk-ah?”

As he gently traced the knuckles on Jehyuk’s hand, Sihoo smiled, his eyes narrowing. Jehyuk, forgetting to even respond, simply stared at their joined hands. He could see Sihoo’s neatly trimmed pinkish nails and the way his long index finger brushed against Jehyuk’s knuckles. The sensation of this first intimate contact was surreal.

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Every time Sihoo lightly ran his finger over the back of Jehyuk’s hand, a ticklish sensation spread through him. It wasn’t even a particularly sensitive spot, yet the touch sent shivers through him as if Sihoo were deliberately teasing him.

Jehyuk remained frozen for several seconds before finally managing to speak.

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“This… I was just startled and didn’t have time to react….”

He stammered, blurting out whatever came to mind. Truthfully, even Jehyuk himself didn’t understand. He had always pushed others away as soon as they got close—so why had he allowed Sihoo to hold his hand?

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“Really? Were you that surprised?”

Sihoo smiled again, his eyes crinkling. Unlike Jehyuk, who was stiff with tension, Sihoo seemed completely at ease.

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“You didn’t pull away or anything, so it didn’t seem that way to me.”

Only after hearing Sihoo’s remark did Jehyuk belatedly pull his hand back. He wiggled his fingers, still intertwined like a lover’s, trying to free them. Sihoo laughed and released him without protest.

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“Well, it’s just that you suddenly… I wasn’t expecting it.”

Jehyuk quickly averted his gaze and placed his hand under the table. For no reason, he clenched his fist and opened it again, rubbing the back of his hand against his other palm, as if trying to erase the lingering sensation. But the feeling wouldn’t go away.

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“You don’t seem to hate it that much, though. Guess guys are okay for you, huh? We’ve never really talked about preferences before, have we?”

Sihoo wasn’t flustered or embarrassed in the slightest. Instead, he calmly brought up the topic of preferences. While Jehyuk, who had just held hands with someone for the first time in his life, was struggling to recover, Sihoo seemed perfectly unaffected. Of course, it made sense. Yoon Sihoo was always surrounded by people. And on top of that, he was someone who loved physical contact.

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“…Do you prefer guys more?”

Jehyuk slowly collected his thoughts and asked. As Sihoo mentioned, they’d never really talked about these kinds of topics before. Come to think of it, he had never even asked himself such questions. Since he’d never really liked anyone, how could he know whether he preferred women or men?

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