PS | Chapter 1.2

“Dude, it’s been six times since we started college. You’d think you’d have some idea by now. Come on, you can tell me. Let it out.”

Jehyuk checked the time. There were less than three minutes left before the lecture started.

“Class is starting. Go back to your seat,” Jehyuk said, brushing off the conversation.

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“Man, I’m trying to help you. If I knew why this kept happening, I could at least cover for you. People are saying all kinds of things about you now, you know? The girls don’t say anything, but with how decent-looking you are and how you keep getting dumped, everyone’s speculating. The class president even joked that you might be some kind of pervert, and I got mad just listening to it.”

At Ijun’s words, Jehyuk froze for a moment. Déjà vu hit him like a brick as he recalled the whispers that had once followed him everywhere.

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Isn’t that guy kind of abnormal?

An unknown voice echoed in his mind, tightening his chest. Even though no one was actually looking at him, it felt as if the whole room was staring, and his skin prickled under the imaginary weight of their gazes. He knew staying silent would look strange, but his throat felt like it was closing up, leaving him unable to respond.

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“Sorry, but can you move?”

It was Sihoo’s voice that finally broke Jehyuk free.

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Standing beside Ijun, who was still perched on the desk, Sihoo smiled as he addressed him. Caught off guard, Ijun glanced back and shrugged before standing up.

“Didn’t realize you already had a seat. My bad,” Ijun said casually.

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“I always sit next to Jehyuk,” Sihoo replied, still smiling, before gesturing toward the front of the lecture hall. “Looks like the professor’s here.”

As soon as the words were spoken, Professor Pyun entered through the front door of the lecture hall. Ijun glanced back and forth between Jehyuk and Sihoo before silently retreating. Although he’d inevitably run into them during the next liberal arts lecture, for now, he felt like he could breathe again. Sihoo quietly pulled out a chair and sat down, resting his chin on his hand as he stared intently at Jehyuk.

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“Don’t let that nonsense get to you.”

Jehyuk finally caught his breath. Moving his stiff fingers, he absentmindedly picked up a mechanical pencil. The problem was, it wasn’t nonsense. Just as Ijun had said, Ji Jehyuk had dated six girlfriends since the start of college, and every single time, he’d been dumped right around the three-month mark. The reason was always the same.

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Even after 100 days, he still hadn’t held their hands.

The girlfriends all reacted differently, but the conclusion was always clear—physical intimacy was the issue. Jehyuk never initiated even the simplest act of holding hands. And even if the other person mustered up the courage to take his hand first, he’d carefully pull away. Touching shoulders, brushing skin, patting someone’s head—Jehyuk couldn’t do any of it. These were minor gestures, trivial even, yet they were unbearable for Jehyuk.

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It might look like a form of obsessive cleanliness, but it wasn’t that. He didn’t mind touching dirty things or rolling around on the ground. The issue was when someone unfamiliar touched him. Jehyuk was always afraid of the reaction that might follow.

Afraid that if someone got too close, they’d look at him with disgust.

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“…Yeah.”

Jehyuk barely managed to suppress the unpleasant memories trying to resurface and forced out a response. By this point, it would’ve been better not to accept those confessions at all. But if he rejected someone, he’d be labeled the bad guy—or worse, a weirdo. His fear of such judgment had led him to this mess.

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Just realizing that rumors about him were circulating within the department made his head throb. He could endure rolling in mud or even getting beaten up by seniors, but he couldn’t handle the stress caused by a few words from other people. His stomach started to sting, and he covered his face with his large hands. A dark cloud of self-loathing crept into his heart.

“Hey, Jehyuk.”

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A hand gently touched his shoulder. The soft, enveloping gesture snapped him out of his thoughts for a moment. Blinking, he looked up at Sihoo, who smiled with crescent-shaped eyes.

“Wanna grab drinks with me tonight?”

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“Tonight?”

“Yeah, tonight.”

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It was an abrupt suggestion. Though they’d known each other for a long time, Jehyuk had never gone out drinking with Sihoo. The two of them always maintained a comfortable distance—spending more time together than with most people, but never engaging in overly intimate activities. Things like gaming at a PC bang, going out for drinks, or traveling somewhere together—those were things they just didn’t do.

Jehyuk hesitated, his lips twitching. It was an unfamiliar invitation, and he already had practice scheduled that evening. The university’s summer soccer tournament wasn’t far off. Yet, for some reason, he found it hard to turn down the offer. It was the first time Sihoo had suggested something like this.

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“What time?”

“After your practice.”

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“That’ll be late.”

“Then I’ll just study at the library until you’re done.”

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Sihoo answered like it was no big deal.

“Just the two of us?”

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“Yep, just you and me.”

Sihoo’s dazzling smile bloomed on his face, the kind that drove girls crazy. While Sihoo wasn’t the “pretty boy” type, he had the kind of striking, handsome features that made “handsome” the best descriptor. But when he smiled, even that handsome face could only be described as beautiful.

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“I’ll listen to your worries.”

Another unexpected remark. Jehyuk stared at Sihoo with a mix of doubt and intrigue. It was true that he felt frustrated and overwhelmed. He wanted advice, but sharing his concerns with a stranger wasn’t an option. When he thought about it, there wasn’t anyone else he could discuss this with besides Sihoo.

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Jehyuk wasn’t sure if he’d actually open up when the time came, but the offer wasn’t unwelcome. As he hesitated for a few seconds, Sihoo leaned closer, his voice soft and coaxing.

“We’ve known each other for a long time. You can talk to me.”

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That was what swayed Jehyuk. Sihoo had never once used their friendship or history as leverage before. This was a side of him Jehyuk hadn’t seen before. After deliberating for a while, Jehyuk finally gave a small nod.

“Alright.”

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“Good boy.”

With a cryptic compliment, Sihoo ruffled Jehyuk’s hair. Jehyuk flinched but didn’t go out of his way to avoid him. Instead, he kept nervously scribbling meaningless lines across his notebook with the mechanical pencil.

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For some reason, he already felt nervous about what was to come.

***

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By evening, the breeze had turned pleasantly cool. For some, it might feel a bit chilly, while for others, it could still be a little warm—a delicate balance of temperatures that depended on the person. The night breeze gently swirled, carrying with it the lingering scent of flowers. Watching the fully bloomed cherry blossoms typical of early April, Jehyuk felt a strange restlessness stir within him.

The front gate where Jehyuk waited for Yoon Sihoo was one of the most picturesque spots on campus. Behind the stone pillars of the gate stretched buildings bathed in soft white lights, their classical architecture shining against the evening sky. The sloping lawn in front of them added to the view’s charm. It wasn’t surprising to see groups of students lounging on the grass, enjoying the pleasant weather.

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The chatter coming from all directions reminded Jehyuk of last year, back when he was a freshman. The scene before him wasn’t unfamiliar; it was a moment he had lived through himself. Yet, for some reason, it felt oddly distant, like someone else’s life. Ever since his parents had passed away, Jehyuk had often felt this way—like he was teetering on the edge of things. Not fully outside but not entirely belonging either, as though walking a tightrope around some invisible boundary.

Though he too had spent last year enjoying moments like this, it now felt like a far-off memory, almost as if it had never happened. While others reminisced about those times, for Jehyuk, they didn’t seem like fond memories. When friends mentioned classmates’ names or brought up stories about people from other departments, the recollections didn’t paint any rosy picture in his mind.

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It was strange. He had lived through it all, and the experiences hadn’t been bad. He wasn’t particularly outgoing and didn’t have many connections in his department, but he wasn’t an outsider either. So why did he always feel like he was on the fringes of things?

“Jehyuk.”

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A familiar voice broke through his thoughts as a hand rested on his shoulder. There was no need to turn around to confirm who it was—only one person called him that way. Shifting his gaze from the lawn to the source of the voice, Jehyuk saw Sihoo.

Dressed differently from earlier, Sihoo was wearing a white dress shirt with a few buttons undone at the top and black jeans. The mature outfit gave him an air of elegance beyond his years, yet his bright, boyish smile still made him look like a high schooler.

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As the spring breeze lightly brushed past, Jehyuk thought that Sihoo seemed like someone who belonged perfectly in spring.

“You came earlier than I said. Have you been waiting long? Sorry about that.”

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What was there to be sorry about? Jehyuk repeated Sihoo’s usual words to himself and quickly shook his head.

“No. I just got here.”

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His curt voice didn’t sound particularly warm. Having spoken like this all his life, Jehyuk never gave it much thought, but the fact that Sihoo had apologized lingered in his mind, making him clench and unclench his fists for no reason.

“Did you shower? You changed clothes.”

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Sihoo brushed off the topic casually. Jehyuk glanced down at his own outfit. The usual hoodie, jeans, and sneakers. It was his everyday attire. Since moving out, Jehyuk had been covering all his living expenses on his own, so his wardrobe rotation was limited to a few staples.

“Yeah. I sweated a lot.”

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“I like how you look in that, though.”

Jehyuk frowned at the puzzling comment.

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“I reek. Sweat smells disgusting.”

Sihoo, someone like him, probably couldn’t even imagine it. After practice, whether it was the guys or the girls, everyone on the team was anything but clean.

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“I’ve barely seen you during practice, though. I’d like to see it once.”

Jehyuk blinked. As he’d thought earlier, something about Sihoo was off today. From suggesting they meet one-on-one to the way he spoke—it all felt unusually close, as if they were much closer than they actually were.

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From an outsider’s perspective, the two of them were indeed close. But their relationship wasn’t quite the usual definition of friendship. Ji Jehyuk didn’t know much about Yoon Sihoo. What he did know was the same as what everyone else knew.

They had never exchanged casual, trivial messages. On social media—something most people their age used—they weren’t even connected. He didn’t know Sihoo’s address, birthday, or preferences. And he had never asked. Not intentionally avoiding such topics, but somehow, it had become the thread that kept them tethered to each other.

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Four years had passed like this. So why today of all days? Jehyuk glanced at Sihoo, who was smiling softly, and spoke abruptly.

“Have you ever even been curious about things like that?”

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