PEN Vol 5 Ch. 13

Sejin filled the kettle with water, brought a mug and placed it in front of him, and waited for the water to boil. He planned to press the hot mug against his forehead to feign a fever when Cheon Sejoo’s car arrival notification suddenly popped up. He could have just used the water from the purifier, but in his panic state, Sejin didn’t even think of that. That’s how he found himself pacing in front of the induction stove.

“Kwon Sejin.”

Suddenly, a voice called out, and he felt a presence from down the hallway. Flustered by Cheon Sejoo’s unexpectedly quick appearance, Sejin poured the half-boiled water into the mug.

Quick, quick. 

But Cheon Sejoo reached the kitchen before Sejin could even touch the mug to his forehead.

“What are you doing here? What’s wrong?”

Cheon Sejoo was dressed entirely in black. The man’s face, hidden beneath a hat and a hood pulled over it, was filled with worry, and Sejin thought Cheon Sejoo probably didn’t even realize he was making such an expression.

He felt Cheon Sejoo’s kindness, which he had momentarily forgotten all over again. Sejin stared blankly at the man who had come running in a bolt at the mere mention of him being sick. At his dazed expression, Cheon Sejoo frowned and reached out, his cool hand covering Sejin’s forehead.

“Do you have a fever?”

But Sejin’s forehead was only slightly warm. Cheon Sejoo, wondering if his own hand was hot, placed it on his own forehead, then back on Sejin’s. But no matter how he checked, it didn’t seem like Sejin had a fever. Thinking he might be hurting somewhere else, Cheon Sejoo looked around, his expression displeased.

“What are you doing here? If you’re sick, you should be lying down. Do you have an upset stomach?”

Cheon Sejoo asked Sejin, looking at the water that was half-boiled and emitting white steam. Sejin couldn’t say anything and just shook his head.

He was extremely embarrassed at being caught in his clumsy lie, and at the same time, touched by Cheon Sejoo’s concern. He couldn’t say anything because he felt like he  would blurt out something stupid if he opened his mouth.

“I’ll boil some water. Come here. Where does it hurt?”

Cheon Sejoo placed the tilted kettle back on the induction stove and led Sejin to his bedroom, pulling him by the wrist. There was no other meaning behind the gesture. It was simply because it was the closest bedroom to the kitchen, but only Sejin, whose legs had gone numb, felt like his heart was about to jump out of his mouth.

“…….”

Opening the door, Cheon Sejoo’s eyebrows furrowed slightly at the sight of his messy bed. It was usually neatly made after Sejin cleaned, so he couldn’t possibly miss that Sejin had been lying there. However, since he couldn’t scold someone who was supposedly sick, he just pretended not to notice and sat Sejin down on the edge of the bed.

Hesitantly sitting on the mattress as Cheon Sejoo led him, Sejin looked up at Cheon Sejoo with wide, innocent eyes, his hands clasped tightly on his lap. 

The somewhat tense expression on Sejin’s face was cute, and Cheon Sejoo almost teased him by asking if someone was going to eat him alive, but thinking that the recent Kwon Sejin might actually latch onto the suggestion and might actually ask to be eaten, Cheon Sejoo just kept his mouth shut.

“Did you take any medicine? Where does it hurt? Are you feeling nauseous?”

“…….”

Sejin’s face was flushed, even more so than when they met in the kitchen. Cheon Sejoo couldn’t tell whether it was from heat or from a fever, so he reached out again and touched Sejin’s forehead. He felt the soft skin flinch beneath his touch, but it was still only lukewarm. As he was about to withdraw his hand, wondering if it was growing pains-

“Cheon Sejoo…”

Sejin quietly spoke and grabbed Cheon Sejoo’s hand. Holding tight to Cheon Sejoo’s wrist as he tried to pull his arm away, Sejin pressed his cheek against Cheon Sejoo’s palm.

Only a small area touched, yet Sejin’s warm body temperature seemed to spread throughout Cheon Sejoo’s entire body. Cheon Sejoo frowned, his senses heightened by the contact, and tried to push Sejin away. However, even when attempting to push against Sejin’s shoulder with the other hand, it was impossible to overcome his strength as he firmly grabbed that hand as well.

He was surprisingly strong for someone who was supposedly sick. 

Cheon Sejoo looked at him, his eyes narrowed in warning.

“Don’t.”

“…I’m sorry.”

What came back was an almost pathetic apology. But Sejin didn’t let go of his hands. The trembling coming from Sejin’s gradually intensified, as if it would soon reach him. It felt Sejin’s emotions were contagious. It made Cheon Sejoo’s heart ache.

Cheon Sejoo wanted to avoid this kind of atmosphere. As he coldly clenched his fists and pushed Sejin away forcefully, Sejin was pushed back without resistance this time and only bit his red, swollen lips. Looking down at Sejin, whose eyebrows drooped as if he might burst into tears at any moment, he spoke.

“If you know you did something wrong, then stop. Just go to sleep.”

“…I lied about being sick.”

“…….”

At the sudden confession, Cheon Sejoo finally understood the meaning of Sejin’s earlier apology. His expression hardened, and his eyes grew cold.

At the change in his expression, Sejin hurriedly sat up. Like a puppy unaware of its size, he threw his arms around Cheon Sejoo. Forcibly burying his face against the shoulder of the man who was standing still, not even sighing in anger, Sejin tightly hugged his waist. Even then, Cheon Sejoo remained motionless. He didn’t put his hand on Sejin’s back, nor did he stroke his hair.

Sejin’s heart felt like it was plummeting. He repeatedly rubbed his face against Cheon Sejoo, trying to burrow deeper into his embrace. He nuzzled his cheek against Cheon Sejoo’s shoulder as if acting spoiled and confessed,

“It was raining… and I was afraid you were going to see Kang Doyoon… so I lied…”

He couldn’t keep lying in front of Cheon Sejoo, who was genuinely worried about him. Unable to make up an excuse for his question about where it hurt, Sejin eventually chose to tell the truth. Even if Cheon Sejoo became somewhat disappointed in him, it couldn’t be helped. It was done on the spur of the moment, but Sejin actually didn’t want to deceive Cheon Sejoo.

“But I didn’t think you’d actually come. I really…!”

“Do my words mean nothing to you?”

The words he uttered with a full heart were swallowed by the cold question. Sejin flinched and looked up. The eyes looking down at him were very cold. Having never received such a gaze from Cheon Sejoo before, Sejin felt a shock as if the world was collapsing.

“Do you think all of this is a game, that my reasons for avoiding you don’t matter at all?”

Cheon Sejoo, after snapping at him, silently stared at Sejin, who had raised his head without saying a word.

He’s disappointed in me. 

The realization made Sejin’s chest ache and he bit his lip, his eyes growing hot. He didn’t want to cry like a child at a moment like this, but when his emotions intensified, his tears welling up first was a problem he couldn’t solve on his own. Sejin just bit his tongue hard to keep the tears from flowing and opened his mouth.

“That’s not it. I just… I didn’t want you to be with that guy……”

Tears, which he couldn’t hold back any longer, streamed down his cheeks. 

Drip, drip, drip.

Cheon Sejoo flinched, his hand rising as if to comfort him, then let out a small sigh and clenched his fist. Closing his eyes tightly, he took a step back and distanced himself.

Sejin, burdened by guilt, couldn’t reach out to him so he only looked down at the floor, tears dripping from his chin and wetting the top of his feet. Sejin silently bit his lips and berated himself for being so foolish.

He shouldn’t have lied. He should have just called and asked him to come home, saying he’d made something delicious, that he didn’t want to be alone. He’d made a stupid mistake in his haste. Like a fool. Now he’d also disappointed Cheon Sejoo, when he should have been trying to impress him. And again, just like a fool. 

Regret washed over him vividly. Sejin roughly wiped his cheeks with his tightly clenched fists. Soon, a weak voice came out from him.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to disregard your words. It’s just… I was desperate…”

“…….”

“Are you going to leave again because you know I lied…? Don’t go. Can’t you not go?”

At Sejin’s plea, Cheon Sejoo only stared at him silently. With darkly subdued eyes, he just gazed at Sejin as if asking, What am I supposed to do with you? Then, he slowly blinked. As if organizing his thoughts, he closed his eyes and opened them, turning his head away with a deep sigh.

His gaze shifted past Sejin towards the window. The rain-streaked sky was still dark. Since night had fallen, the raindrops were barely visible, but the hazy world showed how heavy the downpour was.

Cheon Sejoo stared at the scene, then finally made up his mind.

“I wasn’t going to see Kang Doyoon. I didn’t even have plans to meet him. I was in the area for work and rushed over here.”

At his firm voice, Sejin raised his head. His tear-soaked eyes were red and swollen like peaches. Cheon Sejoo clenched his fists, resisting the urge to reach out and caress his eyes.

This wouldn’t do. 

If he continued to stay close to Sejin, they would both cross the line before they knew it. Cheon Sejoo licked his dry lips and forced his gaze away from Sejin. He then opened his mouth,

“But Kwon Sejin, I can’t handle you anymore.”

“What…?”

He had reached his limit.

“I told you. If you don’t want to get kicked out, stop it. Get out. Of this apartment.”

It would be better to just let Kwon Sejin go. 

Then, this fear, and the complicated feelings he had for Sejin, could be finally put to an end. It felt like only then he could finally clear away all the confusion hanging over his life.