PEN Vol 4 Ch. 16

Cheon Sejoo leaned back in his chair and looked up at Kim Hyunkyung. Her sunken cheeks were tinged yellow with jaundice, her lips dry and cracked, an oxygen tube inserted beneath her prominent nose, and IV lines connected to her arm.

Now, could no longer see Sejin in her face. Cheon Sejoo clenched his fists, remembering Kim Hyunkyung, who had smiled casually in front of him last summer. Regret always came suddenly, driving him to despair.

What if he had insisted on taking her to the hospital that day? What if, even the next month, he had found her sudden abdominal pain and weight change strange and suggested an MRI? Perhaps things wouldn’t have come to this.

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If they had caught it then, maybe the cancer wouldn’t have spread yet. Perhaps Kim Hyunkyung would have successfully completed chemotherapy, been discharged from the hospital, and been living her normal life.

Sejin, believing his mother’s situation would improve, might have taken the CSAT with peace of mind, and now might be looking at universities or preparing to retake the exam, planning for the future.

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But he had missed all those opportunities. He missed the chance to care for the most precious person in Sejin’s life….

A sudden surge of regret choked him. It felt like water was rising in his throat, obstructing his breath. Cheon Sejoo clenched his trembling fingertips and closed his eyes tightly. 

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There’s no point in thinking about this now.

It was as if he was trying to find stability by repeating that thought to himself.

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“…Actually, I knew.”

Kim Hyunkyung’s weak voice tore through his thoughts.

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“It’s….”

What was she talking about?

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Cheon Sejoo looked at Kim Hyunkyung with a dazed expression. Her lifeless eyes met his. She sat there with a faint smile on her lips. Then, the smile gradually faded, and at some point, Kim Hyunkyung turned her head with a bitter expression.

The hazy winter sun cast a pale light over the city. Her gaze fixed on the grey sky, Kim Hyunkyung spoke, 

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“Around last summer, I had severe gastritis and went to the hospital. I’ve had chronic abdominal pain since I was young. This time, I thought it was gastritis again, so I went, but after listening to me, the doctor recommended an ultrasound.”

“…….”

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“Sejin doesn’t know… but my father passed away from pancreatic cancer. So, after hearing that, the doctor suspected a family history and said it would be good to have an ultrasound, so I did. At that time, the doctor said that although it wasn’t clear on the ultrasound, something seemed to be visible around my liver and other organs, and suggested I go to a larger hospital.”

Cheon Sejoo clenched his fists with a pained expression. Veins bulged on the back of his hand, and his gaze dropped, his expression hardening.

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If the doctor had seen correctly, it was probably an early-stage pancreatic tumor. Diagnosing pancreatic cancer with just an abdominal ultrasound was nearly impossible, and discovering it early was a miracle. This is because pancreatic cancer shows almost no symptoms until it reaches stage 3, unless the cancer develops in the head of the pancreas.

“But I suddenly got scared. What if it’s cancer? I don’t want to end up like my dad… I thought. My father passed away when I was in middle school, and the medical expenses from his chemotherapy were enormous. My mother worked day and night to pay off that debt and then died in an accident a year later. But if this was cancer, I would have to get treatment…. And if I died, Sejin would have to pay off all that debt.”

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However, because of poverty, Kim Hyunkyung missed that miraculous moment. If she had gotten an MRI and a biopsy right away and started treatment, she might be perfectly fine now. Because she had no money, because she was afraid of debt, she let go of a heaven-sent opportunity without even trying to grasp it.

His head throbbed. Cheon Sejoo couldn’t respond to her words and just kept his mouth shut. The more he listened to Kim Hyunkyung, the more he regretted overlooking the incident when she collapsed that early summer. Even though Kim Hyunkyung couldn’t even think of getting tested due to her financial situation, if he had known, things would have been different.

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“So I just pretended not to know. If no one knew, and I just suffered and died alone, at least there would be a life insurance payout. Then Sejin wouldn’t have to carry the burden….”

Surprisingly, the voice of the person directly involved held no regret. She seemed to have no regrets about her decision not to get tested last summer, despite the doctor’s recommendation.

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However, Cheon Sejoo deeply regretted the missed opportunity. He felt this way especially because he had witnessed Sejin crumble before his mother’s impending death.

“When I saw my father, I realized that towards the end, all the treatment was useless. He tried every medicine, even experimental drugs, but they only caused side effects, and my father lived and died in pain. He must have wanted to live, right? He probably did.”

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Having said that, Kim Hyunkyung let out a deep sigh and forced a smile. Looking at Cheon Sejoo, she confessed.

“Actually, I feel the same way. Why wouldn’t I want to see Sejin grow up, see him live happily with someone he loves? But I don’t want Sejin to see me like that. Struggling to live, trying new drugs and everything, desperately clinging to life, only to end up dying in pain… it would be too miserable for her to see. It’s better to just accept it, wait for death, and go. Then, at least, Sejin will think I met the death I wanted.”

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“…Don’t say such things….”

At his strained words, Kim Hyunkyung reached out with her dry, twig-like hand. She grasped Cheon Sejoo’s clenched fist with difficulty. Her parched skin was lifeless, yet it was still warm. Holding his hand, Kim Hyunkyung addressed him.

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“Thank you for not telling Sejin about me collapsing back then, Mr. Cheon. Even if Sejin had found out that day, I wouldn’t have gone to the hospital, and in the end, things would have turned out like this, and Sejin would have felt a lot of guilt. Back then, it was probably… already too late. So… thank you.”

“That’s….”

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Cheon Sejoo agreed with her. He thought it was fortunate that Kwon Sejin didn’t know about that day. Just as she said, it was a relief that Sejin wouldn’t feel guilty.

It was a secret that could no longer be revealed, even if he wanted to. If Sejin were to find out, he would blame him for Kim Hyunkyung missing the chance for treatment.

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Cheon Sejoo didn’t want Sejin to hate him….

“These days, my father keeps appearing in my dreams. He sits on the hospital bed just like he did when he passed away, reaching out to me. But unlike that day, he’s always smiling in my dreams. I think my time is running out too.”

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Kim Hyunkyung said so with a casual smile as if it were nothing. Cheon Sejoo couldn’t find anything to say and lowered his head. His insides felt like they were being mangled. His chest felt hollow as if someone had ripped his heart out.

“Still, I held on because of you, Mr. Cheon. I hated the thought of leaving behind debt and just wanted to die, but what bothered me the most was Sejin feeling guilty. I was worried he would suffer, thinking I should have at least tried. But thanks to you, I received treatment and now I’m being cared for like this, so Sejin will be okay, right?”

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There was no way he would be okay. Once Kim Hyunkyung died, Kwon Sejin would regret it one way or another. That was the burden of those left behind. Those who remained would inevitably find things they hadn’t done and regret them; that was death.

“I’m saying this just in case, Mr. Cheon…”

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As Kim Hyunkyung whispered softly, the sliding door opened with a rattle, and the caregiver appeared. Kim Hyunkyung closed her mouth, smiled at Cheon Sejoo, and whispered, It looks like it’s not going to happen today. Then, making eye contact with the caregiver, she asked, “Sejin?”

“He said he’ll be in the lounge since there’s no space here. Mr. Cheon, you’re here.”

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The caregiver greeted Cheon Sejoo with an awkward smile. Cheon Sejoo pulled his hand free from Kim Hyunkyung’s grasp and stood up. His mind was in turmoil. He didn’t have the confidence to face Sejin normally. He just wanted to clear his head.

“Please sit here. I’ll just make a quick phone call.”

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“Ah…. Um, yes.”

At his forced smile, the caregiver looked a little perplexed, then nodded. Cheon Sejoo closed the hospital room door and stepped out into the hallway. He headed for the emergency stairs leading to the rooftop for some fresh air.

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“Oh, I’m sorry….”

He was distraught. Cheon Sejoo simply nodded at the man who apologized for bumping into him as he hurried down the stairs and continued upwards. His chest felt so tight, making it hard to breathe. He wanted to feel the cold wind.

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He climbed until the stairs ended, and an exit came into view. Cheon Sejoo pushed the door open without hesitation and rushed outside.

A bone-chilling wind swept over him. Cheon Sejoo inhaled deeply, letting the frigid air reach the depths of his lungs, and surveyed his surroundings. It was the end of the year.

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Christmas decorations, yet to be taken down, still twinkled in the sky garden¹. Cheon Sejoo grimaced at the beautifully lit scene.

Even on the day celebrating and commemorating the birth of Jesus, someone had died. Yet, the families of the deceased didn’t resent this grand celebration. Birth was a blessing, death was a karmic debt. Since one was born, one had to die someday.

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Nevertheless, there were deaths that clung to his heart like a rake. Cheon Sejoo couldn’t forget Hye-in’s death because countless regrets consumed him. Were there farewells without regret? Perhaps. But to simply label it as such and forget, Cheon Sejoo had played a decisive role in Hye-in’s death, a role too significant to simply dismiss with such a platitude. At least, how Cheon Sejoo saw it.

If he had answered Hye-in’s call, she wouldn’t have jumped that day. If he had bowed his head and gone home instead of going into surgery, insisting that he absolutely had to see her that day, if he had found Hye-in huddled in the hallway and embraced her, maybe Hye-in would have confided in him that day.

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IIf I had done that…

The regrets left by those countless “what ifs” were too numerous, and that’s why Cheon Sejoo couldn’t forget Hye-in and had lived with his past weighing him down.

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Kim Hyunkyung’s impending death also pained him because it, too, left him with regrets. He could have easily resolved her misfortune with what he possessed, but by not doing so, he had missed the opportunity to make Sejin truly happy. Cheon Sejoo couldn’t help but feel regretful.

His head felt like it would split. Cheon Sejoo went to the smoking area in the rooftop garden, where a snowman figure stood, and lit a cigarette. He slowly ignited it and inhaled the smoke. The burning scent spreading deep within him felt like a reflection of his inner turmoil.

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It was when the cigarette he lit had burned almost to the filter, when his headache intensified, and he felt nauseous as if someone was gripping and shaking his head, that Sejin appeared before him.

“Cheon Sejoo.”

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A low voice drifted to his ears. Hearing the familiar voice seemed to ease his headache. Cheon Sejoo, who had been staring at the ground, raised his head to look at Sejin.

Sejin, who said he’d be in the lounge, stood before him in short sleeves, without a coat. Cheon Sejoo frowned and quietly scolded him.

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“Why aren’t you wearing a coat? You’ll catch a cold.”

Saying so, Cheon Sejoo took off his suit jacket. The biting wind, cold enough to sting his skin, brushed against his neck, but that didn’t matter.

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He draped the jacket over Sejin’s shoulders to prevent him from catching a cold. It might look a little odd, but just as he was about to button it up to offer a bit more warmth, Sejin caught his hand as it reached for his chest.

“…You knew that Mom collapsed, didn’t you?”

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