PEN Vol 4 Ch. 16

Cheon Sejoo 6eef98f7eb leaned back de7d2ce043 in his 76f0224b89 chair and 141f98b2a4 looked up 10601d052c at Kim 30b7829443 Hyunkyung. Her sunken 67fcc0da8f cheeks were fcf3e65e10 tinged yellow 14a95827d0 with jaundice, 7e5ed1a673 her lips d3b85aa7d6 dry and deaddda9ec cracked, an 691e35d0d9 oxygen tube 90996550ef inserted beneath a8af485ba5 her prominent fb5b81faa8 nose, and ea8a3bf082 IV lines bf7d961610 connected to 4b421c3f72 her arm.199ee4e55c63108c

Now, could 3e73638049 no longer 5541615841 see Sejin c41febc8f2 in her 5eda7ed67f face. Cheon Sejoo clenched eca74ccfd9 his fists, remembering 6036594665 Kim Hyunkyung, who 33dbd76dda had smiled casually e2e509659e in front of 7f644d98a2 him last summer. Regret always came a5a21acfbc suddenly, driving him ce58a36fee to despair.a071263c5308d866

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What if he had insisted on taking her to the hospital that day? What if, even the next month, he had found her sudden abdominal pain and weight change strange and suggested an MRI? Perhaps things wouldn’t have come to this.eabe495251314937

If they had caught it then, maybe the cancer wouldn’t have spread yet. Perhaps Kim Hyunkyung would have successfully completed chemotherapy, been discharged from the hospital, and been living her normal life.a8b4a0f220f32f69

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Sejin, believing b2a04cb30f his mother’s d3bb560dd3 situation would eafe3069f7 improve, might 98204620f9 have taken c5c1ee347c the CSAT 45d5f7a11f with peace 0fbb570db0 of mind, 123e37f1ba and now a21be6a811 might be 43ed92faac looking at cf8c84cf79 universities or 326bca16b9 preparing to 9b5674413d retake the 1c23ff3872 exam, planning ad3b844858 for the 3a17b98f47 future.85ac4a7af64bfedb

But he had c6cefeb8df missed all those 7d348703e0 opportunities.He missed the chance to care for the most precious person in Sejin’s life….b71c5ecaff47e3aa

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A sudden surge of f14b2320d3 regret choked him. It felt like 0804380ce6 water was rising 8025c5aeb1 in his throat, 050a16680c obstructing his breath. Cheon Sejoo clenched his f89a84b9f8 trembling fingertips and closed a7ce77e47c his eyes tightly. 99539cb5f9d62791

There’s no point in thinking about this now.69fb3e2350a7f913

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It was as dd0493549b if he was 228d7b2dfe trying to find d0c7aa2247 stability by repeating 18dc740b04 that thought to 3e3920b33f himself.dafb2dba1b0b757c

“…Actually, I knew.”d65351eff132c108

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Kim Hyunkyung’s weak voice tore through his thoughts.29f2db8edc1bb6ef

“It’s….”9bf05f2272decda5

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What was 998de20b40 she talking a563416635 about?2bcc886819a432ea

Cheon Sejoo looked 6250635478 at Kim Hyunkyung 2843f9824d with a dazed 6918ce04ac expression. Her lifeless eyes met e457185dde his. She sat there with daf7424abc a faint smile on e868242dc8 her lips. Then, the smile f84f94dab0 gradually faded, and 82c406c98c at some point, 1bc5714661 Kim Hyunkyung turned 570cf8ba3b her head with 49d4666273 a bitter expression.676c64ad12b50707

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The hazy winter sun 6d4529285b cast a pale light defec437ee over the city. Her gaze fixed on 95bfdacfcc the grey sky, Kim 765de9fa0c Hyunkyung spoke, 01a5512c69730a4d

“Around last summer, I had severe gastritis and went to the hospital. I’ve had chronic abdominal pain since I was young. This time, I thought it was gastritis again, so I went, but after listening to me, the doctor recommended an ultrasound.”7d7f7be43b2d91c2

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“…….”3810dadd4faebea8

“Sejin doesn’t know… but my father passed away from pancreatic cancer. So, after hearing that, the doctor suspected a family history and said it would be good to have an ultrasound, so I did. At that time, the doctor said that although it wasn’t clear on the ultrasound, something seemed to be visible around my liver and other organs, and suggested I go to a larger hospital.”5e7376a97e1b980e

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Cheon Sejoo 42f52b1bbd clenched his 615cea0e85 fists with e6a369911e a pained 95c6657fe1 expression. Veins bulged e0456ce4de on the c6e607c625 back of 9df328a677 his hand, d10c3b7626 and his 3dae10efbc gaze dropped, 2ce34a613f his expression 6e959b44b6 hardening.160e36a82581272a

If the doctor had 24313be479 seen correctly, it was 4d798d5f32 probably an early-stage pancreatic 90f153bf4e tumor. Diagnosing pancreatic cancer with 3abcd5f32c just an abdominal ultrasound 25df93c6e5 was nearly impossible, and dbf5a681f3 discovering it early was 7c5b2d5a5e a miracle. This is 28fd39b3be because pancreatic 5eb5e728fe cancer shows 0f5fc9d44f almost no a23149d4aa symptoms until ac8aa7e201 it reaches 6d8bcab9d4 stage 3, 57d1bc5c9c unless the 12994f40b6 cancer develops e8fe6efa53 in the 162fece0fd head of 55d845bc8f the pancreas.2e3416668ebfc188

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“But I suddenly got scared. What if it’s cancer? I don’t want to end up like my dad… I thought. My father passed away when I was in middle school, and the medical expenses from his chemotherapy were enormous. My mother worked day and night to pay off that debt and then died in an accident a year later. But if this was cancer, I would have to get treatment…. And if I died, Sejin would have to pay off all that debt.”66390f56d510e112

However, because of e40ceac4db poverty, Kim Hyunkyung 7b7dc52ac9 missed that miraculous 9e26e0e8a4 moment. If she 970301413b had gotten a335ca6d9b an MRI 10b933ebdd and a c6f73cf84d biopsy right 90913b2b03 away and 032ef7d3f6 started treatment, bd7e63f8a2 she might 2c3b0cfafe be perfectly 36dceb7275 fine now. Because she had 160ef5fd72 no money, because 7ad72f8120 she was afraid 2583ce9f32 of debt, she 3e6fe52c9f let go of ad34c75145 a heaven-sent opportunity 7c22e31685 without even trying f222971a55 to grasp it.9219512a2e013518

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His head throbbed. Cheon Sejoo couldn’t respond to her words and just kept his mouth shut. The more he listened to Kim Hyunkyung, the more he regretted overlooking the incident when she collapsed that early summer. Even though Kim Hyunkyung couldn’t even think of getting tested due to her financial situation, if he had known, things would have been different.7283136da92bbcd0

“So I just pretended not to know. If no one knew, and I just suffered and died alone, at least there would be a life insurance payout. Then Sejin wouldn’t have to carry the burden….”af75308e696836c0

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Surprisingly, the 51e05959d2 voice of 530337a8ae the person a2953dce86 directly involved f747bf67e3 held no e1fc8af12c regret. She seemed to e9bdfe2f1c have no regrets 51471ab090 about her decision c40862b8f2 not to get 1498933914 tested last summer, b68b622a26 despite the doctor’s c26f9c8167 recommendation.5360b9eb25e431f6

However, Cheon Sejoo 3469fecdca deeply regretted the d987f13961 missed opportunity. He felt this 54f534671f way especially because 63e3959a66 he had witnessed 3be57914e6 Sejin crumble before 24ea9b6131 his mother’s impending 507a9e42cd death.35d4a3fcf57800f3

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“When I fcb0153545 saw my ca96761faa father, I 5a150e031c realized that 2a363e7e4b towards the e7c47b8c83 end, all 496af06d36 the treatment 6d82c4a4dd was useless. He tried every 322e2e0787 medicine, even experimental 95d9f427a0 drugs, but they ad39e71138 only caused side b357e0e49b effects, and my 908e0f1250 father lived and fd18ee872f died in pain. He must have c8597eb7da wanted to live, 688801511d right? He probably did.”beb6de94d0d58483

Having said that, Kim 0415bde4d6 Hyunkyung let out a 5cfb29b319 deep sigh and forced 3a0a24a520 a smile. Looking at Cheon Sejoo, db27124439 she confessed.51adebda47a75618

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“Actually, I feel the same way. Why wouldn’t I want to see Sejin grow up, see him live happily with someone he loves? But I don’t want Sejin to see me like that. Struggling to live, trying new drugs and everything, desperately clinging to life, only to end up dying in pain… it would be too miserable for her to see. It’s better to just accept it, wait for death, and go. Then, at least, Sejin will think I met the death I wanted.”077ce7d2c1f2e18b

“…Don’t say such things….”937dfdb54c162850

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At his 74cfb5c7dd strained words, 3a73780d80 Kim Hyunkyung ac48ca73da reached out 9a15b005ea with her 7843d123b3 dry, twig-like 680088365f hand. She grasped Cheon Sejoo’s f31070d6c1 clenched fist with difficulty. Her parched skin 1735fc21ac was lifeless, yet c064316b2e it was still d402873a1b warm. Holding his e60dc7bd9d hand, Kim 390868330d Hyunkyung addressed 0002e0bd09 him.767de4d616f0ad21

“Thank you for not telling Sejin about me collapsing back then, Mr. Cheon. Even if Sejin had found out that day, I wouldn’t have gone to the hospital, and in the end, things would have turned out like this, and Sejin would have felt a lot of guilt. Back then, it was probably… already too late. So… thank you.”342e3a27edcdb38c

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“That’s….”fe669bbb8e0e4fe5

Cheon Sejoo agreed with her. He thought it was fortunate that Kwon Sejin didn’t know about that day. Just as she said, it was a relief that Sejin wouldn’t feel guilty.d197c5d5dd5f9034

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It was a 49ccb753f5 secret that could 8d39904654 no longer be c2e0187204 revealed, even if cd177e3073 he wanted to. If Sejin d6adf0c62e were to e1bc5cbe63 find out, 4f8ca5fc40 he would 640e759034 blame him 4a19ef6534 for Kim 64071102e5 Hyunkyung missing 16a94c1a79 the chance 9c9f436c3e for treatment.9493148502fc38fe

Cheon Sejoo didn’t want Sejin to hate him….3d6ba5239a871d97

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“These days, my father 04db50dde0 keeps appearing in my e10cf8ba91 dreams. He sits on the dbfebd8d8b hospital bed just like a2d0c2cf0b he did when he 640488220b passed away, reaching out 03cfd1790f to me. But unlike that e3a28946ee day, he’s always 6492198a54 smiling in my 4768a440ad dreams. I think my 3957e06d85 time is running 2d144dc321 out too.”567390cebcdcbfb8

Kim Hyunkyung said so with a casual smile as if it were nothing. Cheon Sejoo couldn’t find anything to say and lowered his head. His insides felt like they were being mangled. His chest felt hollow as if someone had ripped his heart out.3d79f66406610769

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“Still, I held on because of you, Mr. Cheon. I hated the thought of leaving behind debt and just wanted to die, but what bothered me the most was Sejin feeling guilty. I was worried he would suffer, thinking I should have at least tried. But thanks to you, I received treatment and now I’m being cared for like this, so Sejin will be okay, right?”2507db758fd5aeef

There was no way he would be okay. Once Kim Hyunkyung died, Kwon Sejin would regret it one way or another. That was the burden of those left behind. Those who remained would inevitably find things they hadn’t done and regret them; that was death.c0edf48b2b357dff

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“I’m saying this just cc1d3789dc in case, Mr. Cheon…”2693fe522c7ff9e1

As Kim Hyunkyung a25a1df5f3 whispered softly, the e4bfe97242 sliding door opened d78ce62230 with a rattle, abaacbbc38 and the caregiver 31733e311c appeared. Kim Hyunkyung 02036ac843 closed her bce84d6b7a mouth, smiled 955b5fa1ab at Cheon 5a72411d3c Sejoo, and ff7725c749 whispered,It looks like it’s not going to happen today. Then, making 45daf3d170 eye contact 75f66d8ef2 with the 0ee4df7470 caregiver, she f7fb802c58 asked, “Sejin?”06ed7d83cc51b8e9

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“He said he’ll a59fe905ea be in the 817f75e983 lounge since there’s 5d48f4af8e no space here. Mr. Cheon, you’re here.”baf093357b96146b

The caregiver greeted Cheon d19c15f25a Sejoo with an awkward daddc9b6a9 smile. Cheon Sejoo pulled his 3447c1170b hand free from Kim be7ac52bd2 Hyunkyung’s grasp and stood 4c13996817 up. His mind ef35a1d23d was in bd97da87cb turmoil. He didn’t have the 84e9797d13 confidence to face Sejin 5c19a87720 normally. He just wanted to 896f7ed8a1 clear his head.aac2680fb3930c70

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“Please sit here. I’ll just make ba757be673 a quick phone 5c2067064c call.”46af105c60fdf492

“Ah…. Um, yes.”2390bfecc9a69189

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At his 89a6eb1b15 forced smile, e2e04c2f5a the caregiver d223878a45 looked a 940d273dcb little perplexed, 7af6d3d228 then nodded. Cheon Sejoo closed the 24ac103be3 hospital room door and 207853356d stepped out into the 30de183b60 hallway. He headed for 8fc3673daa the emergency stairs 0988f1d29b leading to the 72fefede33 rooftop for some f71a5ee87b fresh air.5c81ec67586a34eb

“Oh, I’m sorry….”bd53afe5380b5cdf

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He was distraught. Cheon Sejoo 49b235b72d simply nodded 84de833790 at the 9a3ee111d7 man who 696c384dbd apologized for 72d1e2e238 bumping into 4859614be8 him as 5c3badc285 he hurried f7d18f7d16 down the 4d2b8cf147 stairs and 0d8d7ead80 continued upwards. His chest felt so caa8473ea5 tight, making it hard df0b4138c2 to breathe. He wanted 36cdf6dd77 to feel 95d2a39250 the cold f260dfde4d wind.7dd5aacfe0d45cb5

He climbed until f818c5aa41 the stairs ended, 419e4f1470 and an exit ef42445da1 came into view. Cheon Sejoo 9768657c07 pushed the 314759083d door open c5e9d4698f without hesitation 1f8d332053 and rushed 7e7c466299 outside.0fdbff8ace3c90aa

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A bone-chilling b1dab2e4f7 wind swept 387ee6e55c over him. Cheon Sejoo inhaled deeply, d83721bf33 letting the frigid air 721d7adb7d reach the depths of b6458cdfb4 his lungs, and surveyed 16f01a06a4 his surroundings. It was the 95223c9964 end of the dcfc02ebda year.a678666d0cccde05

Christmas decorations, yet 60c4712833 to be taken 3a2267fe33 down, still twinkled a61c543830 in thesky garden¹. Cheon Sejoo grimaced at b084e89e25 the beautifully lit scene.802ff54492c049fa

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Even on the day celebrating and commemorating the birth of Jesus, someone had died. Yet, the families of the deceased didn’t resent this grand celebration. Birth was a blessing, death was a karmic debt. Since one was born, one had to die someday.c19ca015f7ad22f2

Nevertheless, there were deaths that clung to his heart like a rake. Cheon Sejoo couldn’t forget Hye-in’s death because countless regrets consumed him. Were there farewells without regret? Perhaps. But to simply label it as such and forget, Cheon Sejoo had played a decisive role in Hye-in’s death, a role too significant to simply dismiss with such a platitude. At least, how Cheon Sejoo saw it.d4805e3cf676bff8

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If he had answered Hye-in’s call, she wouldn’t have jumped that day. If he had bowed his head and gone home instead of going into surgery, insisting that he absolutely had to see her that day, if he had found Hye-in huddled in the hallway and embraced her, maybe Hye-in would have confided in him that day.e88de08c009519bd

IIf I had done 5a687bb1ea that…3c1d6ed78d8ccb12

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The regrets left 099cabe3ba by those countless 315f199072 “what ifs” were 63c7c9c725 too numerous, and 703be4707f that’s why Cheon fadca02ae9 Sejoo couldn’t forget 6e1024659a Hye-in and had 4dd8840f1a lived with his 09be8836ae past weighing him 71dcf888cb down.cd05585c876b9009

Kim Hyunkyung’s impending death also pained him because it, too, left him with regrets. He could have easily resolved her misfortune with what he possessed, but by not doing so, he had missed the opportunity to make Sejin truly happy. Cheon Sejoo couldn’t help but feel regretful.107415c3313a90e4

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His head felt 36ec4223fb like it would 7cba4ccef4 split. Cheon Sejoo 8499556efb went to 1f6d80fa49 the smoking f287016b58 area in b98056c727 the rooftop 4e53adf6ca garden, where 9f8f449ba1 a snowman 0239b237e7 figure stood, a1e6757182 and lit 493a99cc8e a cigarette. He slowly ef85cc3d30 ignited it d0a41ed211 and inhaled 6ee36bbbde the smoke. The burning scent b7c109b54b spreading deep within 3e03a22c9d him felt like e68b95acdf a reflection of 602a56ebbe his inner turmoil.a57b8e3e44b7b1d4

It was when 7fbfdb6a11 the cigarette he efeb50365d lit had burned 288a56f9ec almost to the 05a6126b04 filter, when his a145df63e4 headache intensified, and 83a0e36b9c he felt nauseous dbadb40e57 as if someone 388dbfabe1 was gripping and a97b16e3b6 shaking his head, a18d6b6127 that Sejin appeared a95b16e752 before him.e831150ffb4a447a

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“Cheon Sejoo.”3a294597bf1249ef

A low voice drifted bd283b389e to his ears. Hearing the familiar 277db49f5e voice seemed to 7c38f505ab ease his headache. Cheon Sejoo, b0540ca151 who had c6aa25d8a6 been staring 1ec48661c8 at the 239592d1fc ground, raised b8b855a79c his head 58b6bc8501 to look 969dff5ec0 at Sejin.855daeead8034f13

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Sejin, who said he’d be in the lounge, stood before him in short sleeves, without a coat. Cheon Sejoo frowned and quietly scolded him.a4389591415864f3

“Why aren’t you d422602f5c wearing a coat? You’ll catch b9dad1b620 a cold.”1e366a12c6ee4adf

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Saying so, 3e9274b0f2 Cheon Sejoo 524e4df343 took off 2d811c1902 his suit d21842e52c jacket. The biting wind, cold a6ebcd790b enough to sting his 1861d7a1e8 skin, brushed against his ec067107aa neck, but that didn’t 4ee1976db6 matter.db9eba4e5c889ba2

He draped the jacket bf29feb899 over Sejin’s shoulders to bc271d5430 prevent him from catching 7271c76cde a cold. It might look a 1b87677d78 little odd, but just 23aa74b92d as he was about 43e21a6031 to button it up 580e7d6444 to offer a bit da6bbdf9f2 more warmth, Sejin caught af635932eb his hand as it 52b044914c reached for his chest.7e302b7957424f0f

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“…You knew that Mom 9d311fa505 collapsed, didn’t you?”68dc9ed85068c345

 da112bc0c00c3f31

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