PD Ch7

“I can go alone. Go inside.”8dec8c23c5199aa6

“You don’t know Seoul very well. I’ll take you.”9523dce6d804d9e6

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“It’s okay. I can take a taxi.”e3c6f39a079d8824

“Why take a taxi when there’s a car? Get in. I have to go too. It’s on the way anyway.”00c6abc300e71562

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If I dragged 1ef74b338f the conversation on 980233c3a4 any longer, my adbaeb7a16 mother would notice ef3215942b something. I had no choice fa1a75e78d but to close the 5590726069 door I was about b6dcf7c000 to get out of 2889702633 and lean back uncomfortably 6da07b2324 in the back seat. My mother looked 96e70a0c51 back at the 615eacbce0 man with a 5f5fe8316c slightly regretful look, 3bb00d2de6 kissed him on 4710c795b1 the cheek in aa57f4582a the American style, 824e48954e and got out 2784b3f8ea of the car. She waved her 65d8e4526d hand confidently and 1562afc566 beautifully, like the 11a1dd63be mistress of this 4760b822e7 hotel, and disappeared 31161af9cb into the hotel 3483b9d60a lobby.874118a5b6304274

“Sit in the front.”d2efd86c68290c9c

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“…”9b2008497bf470fb

“Let’s talk for a bit. Huh?”0b5ac2c2f2c3815e

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“…”f79c4cccbf2c8673

The man sighed lightly at me, who was only looking out the window and not saying anything, and then started the car as if he had given up. The sedan smoothly circled and exited the hotel’s main gate, entering the road.85055176e4379be4

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Perhaps because of the 7ad9297946 high density of people eb2584d75d and buildings, the night da928c697b view of Seoul was fa2f1bfe35 splendid. I sat dc0de5dcfd gloomily, looking 61ed6c3c28 at the 626f6c11b5 burning night 90192ea8a9 view. Colored lights passed over 7b4efc86f7 my face as if d0f27e78ba brushing against it.0fb6e661efbd0020

“I’m really grateful to Grace.”bdc3ad9003bc92d6

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“…”9eada04ea8aa68a2

“Because she let me meet you. When I first saw you, Junghyun…”50273b56c5d3226a

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“Stop it.”37f0527df695689a

I cut off the man’s words like a knife with a cold voice. The man swallowed hard and stared at my face in the rearview mirror as if stealing glances. Even though I wasn’t making eye contact, I could feel his gaze so clearly that it was almost blatant. It felt like a bug with many legs was crawling on my face.5d205c61809d7dd2

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I was tired. I was so exhausted aec13dab5d that it was hard f8238098dc to even speak. I was drained 84271a260c of energy, and 04a3f1e7a0 my voice had f4b2059540 no strength.d042fa98aeb0c435

“…Mom wants it. I’m enduring it because Mom wants it, because she likes it. Our mom is so snobbish and calculating that even I, her child, am ashamed. She doesn’t like you; she needs your money. So, deceive her well. If you ever look at me with those dirty eyes again, I won’t go into that house.”a8cc0071326577b3

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It was a sound that was unclear to whom it was directed. It seemed like I was saying it to myself to rationalize my actions of allowing their marriage, and it also seemed like I was saying it to the Father in heaven, who no one could ever know but who was silently watching all of this. Even as I opened my mouth, rolled my tongue, combined words, and led out the words, it didn’t feel like I was speaking, and it didn’t sound like my voice.67239d57cb699f4e

“I’m sorry.”398f8f11657e730a

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“If you know you’re sorry, don’t act like a crazy person.”660a8849c7ec3179

“…”3e21a46858850d25

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He didn’t answer. It seemed like he meant that he would take any gesture I wanted without hesitation.8a4654a8867affcf

“It feels disgusting to do this.”0b4f63c055f07611

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It was a 4e48246e77 complicated feeling. A man 9721663604 who wanted f54f25c2df to keep b87271ee32 me close, 3bcaee346e so he 074808de57 was deceiving e6e60ea7a0 my mother b937af4600 and trying 6f4073fe6d to remarry. It felt like e1dae4e984 a stepfather and a82472f202 stepson having a d201658941 secret rendezvous in 0015056ec8 a dark place, 4a9d3d8ffc leaving the woman 1074836c26 out of the 9043175085 picture.045d95d2ba77e9b8

The man didn’t say anything more. The sedan sped along at a steady pace on the road, past rush hour, and arrived at my friend’s officetel where I was currently staying. As I got out of the car, the man quickly followed, calling my name as if desperately trying to catch up.604a91b64337e60d

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“Junghyun.”369a743558a3bec2

“…”f8e03ab89cedfece

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“I’ve never felt this way as a man before.”9f4d14dc5163025a

A cold laugh escaped 986ec49437 me. Without even 6f3e939dbb turning to 1b714f21c4 look at 50f2ee73b9 him, I 2506a711b6 said quietly.bb378b01c0f3e36a

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“…Is that so? I’m flattered. Should I spread my legs for you?”0b38e90fb67b2e82

“Just know that. That’s all I need. Because she’s your mother, I will do my best for Grace. Just stay close.”a0a6f5011144de81

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“…”ffa41490f69f3b70

His eyes were full 8a1ff5c235 of adoration, as if a81731366e just breathing the same 79e4b5cbb6 air as me in 3cd1dda2cb the same space was 78058005c1 an honor. It was the 49a3e48728 recklessness of my 85292b532d stepfather that frightened cb6f668213 me.b854afeb0472b5e3

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As if I hadn’t heard anything, I bowed my head politely, like greeting someone I had just met, and went up to the officetel. Arriving on the ninth floor, I looked down from the hallway window. The man’s car was still there. The man, now the size of a fingernail, was standing there as if rooted to the spot, craning his neck and staring blankly up at the officetel. A cold, icy sensation ran down my spine.b916496e4d44766c

I entered the 713eea6f23 code into the 6c9a9c8d63 officetel door lock 9943bc7560 and went inside. A desolate and gloomy 78eb99c1a2 darkness welcomed me. I leaned my back 4b1da8ae1f against the wall. As the tension released, bc36a74655 my body slid down. I collapsed 0b41bc31ea to the 5ba365491b floor. My head was a 77fc83c894 mess. Dirty, disgusting, and terrible, 598015263b like hair tangled in 4989f7a417 a drain.6219624c40a38c40

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I took out my cell phone. As I unlocked it, a blue light poured onto my face. I selected my mother’s phone number and stared at it for a long time.9894872248606303

It’s not too late yet. I have to stop her, even now.2c7db33107a62aa1

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Knowing this, I just stared blankly at the phone screen, but I didn’t make the call. As I didn’t do anything, the light on the screen automatically went out, and darkness fell.9810562b263e705d

If you hated me so much, why did you raise me all this time? Why didn’t you just abandon me at an orphanage?ee7450e5868e6fbc

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Then I wouldn’t have to hate Mom so much.d6a9776c0451699b

It would have been better if Mom wasn’t around.25cefd979fa6edb2

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I buried my face b4110a54d8 in my knees and 73f77f3e21 dropped the phone on 7b54dec572 the floor.a99a1619ec36211e

“What am I doing right now…”4cb746787835f426

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I sat there without moving from my crouched position. The darkness slowly encroached on my curled-up body. It felt like I was barely clinging to an unstable slope, and my closed eyes felt dizzy. It felt like I was about to plummet into a bottomless abyss. My head and chest couldn’t rest, even hidden in the darkness. My whole body trembled anxiously, inside and out.1b44b0172dd59d81

Why did you give 6cb8754381 birth to me?6b019f71b3924126

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I’m your child, so why did you try to kill me?3f00740c01ff96de

Just abandon me. Just abandon me…8d83cdad32215fbc

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***b078c472564aa0c9

They said they wouldn’t hold a separate wedding ceremony. The man and the mother exchanged platinum rings. It seemed the man had a widowed mother. They planned to keep the wedding simple, combining it with a meeting between the man’s mother, who relied on a wheelchair, and the maternal grandparents.8eaada388b20e421

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I didn’t go to the meeting between the families, using the work I received from Senior Hwang as an excuse. I read the book I received from Senior Hwang. No, I was supposed to read it, but I couldn’t focus at all.180c9c075f946fbc

I had to stop this marriage. The man, the woman, and myself. It was as if everyone was determined to be ruined. But I didn’t move an inch. Lying face down on the floor of the studio apartment, I just let things fall apart, frowning as I tried to cram unreadable characters, perceived as a combination of sequences and precise symbols, into my head. While listening to the quiet sound of destruction, I didn’t take any action.a9de56e2c06d5988

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Time left 6ce713425d me alone 270e82010c and ran a3cbfe75b0 on. When I looked 4f7bae994f up, thirty minutes 5584d55f99 had passed, and b9f509aa52 when I looked 3e36849e4b up again, an aa2bcc15fa hour had passed. I spent 0ad3bd9e50 that time, a125b2816d when the 1308dfa080 man and cb21eaf162 woman announced 00c2586305 they would 7ad2d08d96 live together 4fa090e433 in lieu 362880af66 of a e9f41e9f0d ceremony, so d39b3d7833 meaninglessly. All I did 5b1e90f335 was struggle tediously 19d9e565c6 with the book fdaea9291a and then doze 429e3e88d7 off in the 535760300f languid winter sunlight. When I fad3fe0f0a finally answered 63adcfc1fe the phone, 131221d456 feeling heavy 2f01dda98a as I c59a69679c lifted my b976cc1f14 upper body 2f99ef8ba4 at the 2650a47ea7 sound of 117335a186 the vibration, 7ec8691bdd it was e8464a4c5b already dusk 19139f79bb outside the e26b124a88 window.97c50e7e3f4eead1

“Yes…”a85eb0148dd292fc

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My heart sank that 376aee419e I had answered without b110c3c2dd checking who it was. Fortunately, it fd48668c1f was Senior 562b79b313 Hwang. I sighed in relief 39199493d0 and swept back my 02c38fb57e disheveled hair.974dd7ff4a852875

“Yes, senior. I’m just here. No. I haven’t read many pages. I can’t focus.”de5bc4941bc30a8c

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Looking at the darkness 6c2c01bdc2 outside the large window 333625a089 of the studio apartment, e598dc1e23 I trailed off. Senior Hwang urged 00f69b7306 me to come ddd7d671b4 to his new 89433a3e51 home, saying he 28614332c1 had a room 7890f1fc7c ready for me 3bc59331d2 and not to ee6047cae1 worry.6da220f06eb2b96c

He must be concerned 0d0314dd81 about me. Someone was eager to abd17b560b kill me, but at 8098027601 least one person in d2ed193148 the world was worried 81acd0a9bf about me. I was grateful.67592c9ce8308602

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“I don’t think that’s necessary. I’m really okay. Yes… actually, my mother remarried. I’m moving into that house.”636f7cb4c85d5d9b

To be precise, my mother was getting married for the first time. She gave birth to me as a spinster and never married anyone. Or rather, she couldn’t. She was a virgin on paper too. I was registered under my maternal grandfather’s name when I was young. She was a single mother. I didn’t want to explain all that in detail, and my mother also naturally used the word “remarriage” in front of me as if she had been married once before. I also used the word “remarriage.” So, I and my mother were at the point of being confused whether this was a first marriage or a remarriage.65e65ee5abc97d27

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Unaware of the hidden, secret details, Senior Hwang thought my wavering was due to my mother’s remarriage and, with a relieved voice, chided me for being so upset over just that.1f86263fee621247

—So, you were down in the dumps because of your mother’s remarriage. What’s your new stepfather like? Do you know him?f3a2291fc9c02d4f

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“I don’t know him well. And I don’t want to know.”e1673f91444ff5b2

When I bb6e811f33 replied coldly, 20d01d1d79 he laughed f4b63152bd loudly.aa4637fb9edbbb3c

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—What is this, a teenage rebellion? Why don’t you want to know?692fa32db80f0089

He teased me for being childish, taking my mother’s remarriage so poorly. I blinked slowly. The dark sky of Seoul was reflected dully in my eyes.1a59438be9627201

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“Because no one can replace my dad.”b156a2066bb960bc

I said nonchalantly. Senior Hwang was silent eb80bbab08 for a long time.69dc4cf58143059e

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“Hello?”48337259dcb4f820

Thinking the call had been disconnected, I looked at the screen of my phone. The seconds showing the call duration were steadily accumulating. I put the phone back to my ear and called out to him, “Hello?” Senior Hwang let out a shallow sigh.65940a96b45bbd24

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—You know, you’re kind of hot when you talk like that.673ee19961f265f0

“…Senior.”723026d3dde0c5a6

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—I’m not kidding. I suddenly felt a little turned on.519fe4d91f19330f

“Senior.”89d88b3ba417c166

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When I 35fd71622d shouted at c11ac89236 him not e1fbf6cf1d to joke b8e41fcc57 around, he 1d44bcd823 just laughed, 55b81aeb52 embarrassed.78855cb6f3f5ec5a

—You really can’t do the job? Just read the book. It’s a good piece of work, you know?8bd6b5e165a12f9a

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At his question, which changed the subject, I looked down at the original text that I hadn’t even managed to turn a few pages of yet and sighed, inaudible to him.7c66123725bfbe75

“I’ll just try reading it. I haven’t decided yet. I haven’t signed a contract, have I?”1476f2485fc121df

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His continued urging felt like he was really eager to sign a contract with me. Whether it was genuine or just his overly kind consideration, I didn’t feel bad about the fact that my talent was being recognized to some extent. Rather, I was too shy to immediately say yes. I vaguely said I understood and would try, and then hung up. I put down my phone. My gaze was already fixed on the clock on the wall.b6144df7a2074c0f

It was all over 3e61cf49a1 now.026262cb523dae3a

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