PD Ch7

“I can go alone. Go inside.”b6ec87d00eb16350

“You don’t know Seoul very well. I’ll take you.”f95d9f178cd8ea87

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“It’s okay. I can take a taxi.”a9048fd1ecaad5ad

“Why take a taxi when there’s a car? Get in. I have to go too. It’s on the way anyway.”c1e7bd913f86bf56

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If I dragged 4dd1b7703e the conversation on c21ecb6a63 any longer, my 4e8b3ff604 mother would notice 31d5c287c1 something. I had e48467cbdf no choice bf11c8fea4 but to 0133018ff0 close the c39d91e4e4 door I 874ced6fe0 was about 65fafbe8b0 to get cc0f5e2660 out of dcaffc9140 and lean 397cddbd5f back uncomfortably f873ab721c in the 9c4f2f2ead back seat. My mother looked back c9228f736c at the man with 81f6f31fd3 a slightly regretful look, 3df8fefbbd kissed him on the 765934256c cheek in the American 292eef7111 style, and got out 43256d38dc of the car. She waved her hand d269f44d11 confidently and beautifully, like 927c520c7a the mistress of this f86a797bfc hotel, and disappeared into a533601807 the hotel lobby.9bd689c38a209126

“Sit in the front.”b788db61ecb01103

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“…”c4d1b96e03553d09

“Let’s talk for a bit. Huh?”f7bfb2dc61753e7d

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“…”46a26fd07b785f93

The man sighed lightly at me, who was only looking out the window and not saying anything, and then started the car as if he had given up. The sedan smoothly circled and exited the hotel’s main gate, entering the road.f8e2974f63637c3e

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Perhaps because of fc5a2b3342 the high density 0799b723df of people and e8b522ab7e buildings, the night f8c8f0373d view of Seoul 25e5cccf6c was splendid. I sat gloomily, looking c621becfb8 at the burning night fca571215a view. Colored lights passed over ee1a96bae0 my face as if fdfb5d2726 brushing against it.1f4b57ecd5b75765

“I’m really grateful to Grace.”958ca0a11e4819c8

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“…”85d407a773249261

“Because she let me meet you. When I first saw you, Junghyun…”a060b648d2aa2161

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“Stop it.”13fb57653bc1df37

I cut off the man’s words like a knife with a cold voice. The man swallowed hard and stared at my face in the rearview mirror as if stealing glances. Even though I wasn’t making eye contact, I could feel his gaze so clearly that it was almost blatant. It felt like a bug with many legs was crawling on my face.7c50e3ba0f88dd7a

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I was tired. I was so exhausted 937a975e45 that it was hard ab34f44b39 to even speak. I was drained of 0896e960fc energy, and my voice 68dff09920 had no strength.47de58c4b24ac7a6

“…Mom wants it. I’m enduring it because Mom wants it, because she likes it. Our mom is so snobbish and calculating that even I, her child, am ashamed. She doesn’t like you; she needs your money. So, deceive her well. If you ever look at me with those dirty eyes again, I won’t go into that house.”b25bd40c13f59d7a

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It was a sound that was unclear to whom it was directed. It seemed like I was saying it to myself to rationalize my actions of allowing their marriage, and it also seemed like I was saying it to the Father in heaven, who no one could ever know but who was silently watching all of this. Even as I opened my mouth, rolled my tongue, combined words, and led out the words, it didn’t feel like I was speaking, and it didn’t sound like my voice.51487e589161fc30

“I’m sorry.”ea1244014e3f1baa

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“If you know you’re sorry, don’t act like a crazy person.”b325ea2ecf58240d

“…”e17d211e79fccb12

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He didn’t answer. It seemed like he meant that he would take any gesture I wanted without hesitation.257115ec1a83e5fa

“It feels disgusting to do this.”b6bc393780a4546a

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It was a complicated f823565b59 feeling. A man who 85075c1cf6 wanted to keep 080fd41ec0 me close, so 24d275ae9d he was deceiving dd4961304d my mother and 99be98a201 trying to remarry. It felt 469eb28aac like a 4270515319 stepfather and 3f321350ea stepson having 00668569b5 a secret 8f9dfd4836 rendezvous in f312184125 a dark 07b30be6aa place, leaving 0da2039abe the woman 6b9cfaa0d6 out of 12c0565494 the picture.3d7cb91471db9200

The man didn’t say anything more. The sedan sped along at a steady pace on the road, past rush hour, and arrived at my friend’s officetel where I was currently staying. As I got out of the car, the man quickly followed, calling my name as if desperately trying to catch up.03f721da4c93613b

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“Junghyun.”87e09770cd782b1a

“…”bfa77c63f6efe7c4

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“I’ve never felt this way as a man before.”69c103d421b743e5

A cold laugh escaped b745052ac5 me. Without even turning to 024be0c76c look at him, I 6216057099 said quietly.c04b3208e349b6db

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“…Is that so? I’m flattered. Should I spread my legs for you?”e41d247965d5ae54

“Just know that. That’s all I need. Because she’s your mother, I will do my best for Grace. Just stay close.”cbba91cdfde3a634

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“…”85652fca85b33ae7

His eyes were 4fe67fe5fa full of adoration, 18419ee641 as if just d2913c6728 breathing the same bd888a7d36 air as me cdce6c1450 in the same b37c17192d space was an b3d22cf5fd honor. It was the recklessness 9d1718555b of my stepfather that 6fa69b70a0 frightened me.b661d98e205dc0cd

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As if I hadn’t heard anything, I bowed my head politely, like greeting someone I had just met, and went up to the officetel. Arriving on the ninth floor, I looked down from the hallway window. The man’s car was still there. The man, now the size of a fingernail, was standing there as if rooted to the spot, craning his neck and staring blankly up at the officetel. A cold, icy sensation ran down my spine.6355f6795dc07297

I entered cd013d14a8 the code 1484a68c5b into the bf0072c3c7 officetel door b7c68b3396 lock and da1c0e53cd went inside. A desolate 39c3babab3 and gloomy f45fa2203b darkness welcomed 8df22ad5a4 me. I leaned my e32412c78b back against the a564cf355a wall. As the tension 91abae2e08 released, my body 1e4d998fe4 slid down. I collapsed 0b218822d7 to the c2402fb322 floor. My head was e0e91abc6a a mess. Dirty, disgusting, and terrible, 48a8703f8f like hair tangled in f649f6725e a drain.d841acf3a99dfee4

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I took out my cell phone. As I unlocked it, a blue light poured onto my face. I selected my mother’s phone number and stared at it for a long time.80ae3b4ec3e0d455

It’s not too late yet. I have to stop her, even now.bfeb591d879059a9

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Knowing this, I just stared blankly at the phone screen, but I didn’t make the call. As I didn’t do anything, the light on the screen automatically went out, and darkness fell.cacb130bc9bd0c90

If you hated me so much, why did you raise me all this time? Why didn’t you just abandon me at an orphanage?91ae75c474f4a862

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Then I wouldn’t have to hate Mom so much.8fd22ffa0615c2dc

It would have been better if Mom wasn’t around.beb83a601fb04e1f

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I buried my face ca6a90b77f in my knees and 51db3ed66d dropped the phone on 86f33810fc the floor.3b72921ff4525414

“What am I doing right now…”7cf4a84a6a593664

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I sat there without moving from my crouched position. The darkness slowly encroached on my curled-up body. It felt like I was barely clinging to an unstable slope, and my closed eyes felt dizzy. It felt like I was about to plummet into a bottomless abyss. My head and chest couldn’t rest, even hidden in the darkness. My whole body trembled anxiously, inside and out.39a2173c6be9fa22

Why did you b809577132 give birth to 25eb4fd706 me?fa03d4dcae8037d3

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I’m your child, so why did you try to kill me?21512c1b5dcc877d

Just abandon me. Just abandon me…3f9cca9a12d45636

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***28b261d31fa2ead3

They said they wouldn’t hold a separate wedding ceremony. The man and the mother exchanged platinum rings. It seemed the man had a widowed mother. They planned to keep the wedding simple, combining it with a meeting between the man’s mother, who relied on a wheelchair, and the maternal grandparents.f26ac5b6b56d14cf

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I didn’t go to the meeting between the families, using the work I received from Senior Hwang as an excuse. I read the book I received from Senior Hwang. No, I was supposed to read it, but I couldn’t focus at all.6a99b87b0208e39d

I had to stop this marriage. The man, the woman, and myself. It was as if everyone was determined to be ruined. But I didn’t move an inch. Lying face down on the floor of the studio apartment, I just let things fall apart, frowning as I tried to cram unreadable characters, perceived as a combination of sequences and precise symbols, into my head. While listening to the quiet sound of destruction, I didn’t take any action.2cd6f22d17f1dc47

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Time left me alone be50c5c4db and ran on. When I looked up, 594175c29b thirty minutes had passed, 8c3c4d565e and when I looked a94bf57de4 up again, an hour 2866e28b0c had passed. I spent that time, f6406a5807 when the man and 4da1e4f07f woman announced they would 45b1af2975 live together in lieu 842353d9e4 of a ceremony, so aabf1ac800 meaninglessly. All I did was 2576395f20 struggle tediously with the 27b0abaef6 book and then doze 48c45fc123 off in the languid 1dc9fd2ae1 winter sunlight. When I finally 1b0d79fcfd answered the phone, 78f6f08fbd feeling heavy as d97842d1eb I lifted my 5689effa6e upper body at afe2eef84b the sound of 380a224399 the vibration, it 7a39c5fa64 was already dusk 0901be6245 outside the window.b97e31b40d857101

“Yes…”57ca04b36f6c9502

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My heart sank b7e813bea5 that I had f1ca66aba2 answered without checking 156cfdbd80 who it was. Fortunately, it was 50b1375545 Senior Hwang. I sighed in relief c77a471800 and swept back my 1e5e3fd0af disheveled hair.9a68374b14c1c6d8

“Yes, senior. I’m just here. No. I haven’t read many pages. I can’t focus.”71cf3b9127f7cdb3

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Looking at the darkness ed1e0ca029 outside the large window 3e6fe2c726 of the studio apartment, 615e1f0747 I trailed off. Senior Hwang urged me 18b19fcda9 to come to his 67a1747aa7 new home, saying he 8bcea4b0f0 had a room ready 59408fa00b for me and not 463b6487b5 to worry.307d6bb1b37bc488

He must be 4eed9b3f28 concerned about me. Someone was eager 7d15bd3eee to kill me, 1721bb91f4 but at least 9d7e4155fc one person in 319e32cfe0 the world was fe36fd0761 worried about me. I was grateful.b83629c2e43bd55f

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“I don’t think that’s necessary. I’m really okay. Yes… actually, my mother remarried. I’m moving into that house.”e81a1cdbfa9aad91

To be precise, my mother was getting married for the first time. She gave birth to me as a spinster and never married anyone. Or rather, she couldn’t. She was a virgin on paper too. I was registered under my maternal grandfather’s name when I was young. She was a single mother. I didn’t want to explain all that in detail, and my mother also naturally used the word “remarriage” in front of me as if she had been married once before. I also used the word “remarriage.” So, I and my mother were at the point of being confused whether this was a first marriage or a remarriage.588602d2eef02be7

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Unaware of the hidden, secret details, Senior Hwang thought my wavering was due to my mother’s remarriage and, with a relieved voice, chided me for being so upset over just that.c568a3a472c4a43c

—So, you were down in the dumps because of your mother’s remarriage. What’s your new stepfather like? Do you know him?2ed9053c0601ae8b

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“I don’t know him well. And I don’t want to know.”6c5a512ed80e11ac

When I replied 35940fc1aa coldly, he laughed a6323122d5 loudly.1e83818c359c857e

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—What is this, a teenage rebellion? Why don’t you want to know?e911b43d238877db

He teased me for being childish, taking my mother’s remarriage so poorly. I blinked slowly. The dark sky of Seoul was reflected dully in my eyes.a663f7c06215d2e8

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“Because no one can replace my dad.”ba40371dc668b2a9

I said nonchalantly. Senior Hwang was silent 7605941c39 for a long time.0ce8666877ddcd8b

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“Hello?”34fb976874bcd8d6

Thinking the call had been disconnected, I looked at the screen of my phone. The seconds showing the call duration were steadily accumulating. I put the phone back to my ear and called out to him, “Hello?” Senior Hwang let out a shallow sigh.5a80393d6972d351

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—You know, you’re kind of hot when you talk like that.33146259109260d7

“…Senior.”7c304ba3d25abdd8

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—I’m not kidding. I suddenly felt a little turned on.01a53ea5ca72933b

“Senior.”34477db42fa5c4af

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When I shouted 5fb47b4f0c at him not 3d046c3ea8 to joke around, 86f0a5c584 he just laughed, 4835c53dcb embarrassed.391ed9084c183d9f

—You really can’t do the job? Just read the book. It’s a good piece of work, you know?edc6ff43d6a395d3

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At his question, which changed the subject, I looked down at the original text that I hadn’t even managed to turn a few pages of yet and sighed, inaudible to him.8584fa9ac4329056

“I’ll just try reading it. I haven’t decided yet. I haven’t signed a contract, have I?”ba28b96404a4aee3

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His continued urging felt like he was really eager to sign a contract with me. Whether it was genuine or just his overly kind consideration, I didn’t feel bad about the fact that my talent was being recognized to some extent. Rather, I was too shy to immediately say yes. I vaguely said I understood and would try, and then hung up. I put down my phone. My gaze was already fixed on the clock on the wall.7b871b81966fd916

It was 0ab709afdc all over 3cd73dbf6e now.862495f75c711591

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