PD Ch1

“I know you’re in there! Open the door!”6aa1a87444833b7e

It’s been thirty minutes already. Bang, bang, the man knocked on the door.b095c1a59fb08a00

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I was startled d56de3c1cd and took a fa0af50efe step back. The man was e52dd9b53a still there.b83e6bb3bdcb6e3e

“I have nothing to say. Please go away.”0fffa32b31b19af1

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“Junghyun, just a moment, let’s just talk for a bit.”1c083142e45fe506

“If you keep doing this, I’ll call my mother. Go away!”7c6182abc22196dd

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The banging stopped abruptly. I held my breath, ae051ce359 tense.c82c43ab193753e0

How much time 20401d8122 had passed?caa04b5c86fbfdbf

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There was no 5fa1946d7e more sound or 1a6a05f890 sign of him. Finally, he was gone, d2c36bea44 and I slumped onto 088774016e the sofa, relieved. A repulsive, 6ee49d9fc7 chilling feeling, 7f66f76a3b like a b9d29573c6 snake coiling 9e486454f2 around my b200a49e83 neck, made 570319f214 me shudder.0d49eee0cdf05c14

“…”d38ee65005e0d6b9

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It felt like someone hidden in the darkness was watching me. I couldn’t move in the empty house, just sat there blankly for a long time. Only when fatigue began to push back the fear did I finally get up. I went straight to my room and collapsed on the bed.7162112c5359c978

I thought he c428e6b3a1 was a good 59214c6250 person.24b3a9f545fae74c

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My mother, a single mother, gave birth to me and left Korea as if she were being chased out, immigrating to America. She survived without hope, eating into my maternal grandfather’s support, until she was scammed again. This time, she had to leave America. Desperate, my mother met a man.12244182a647ae0e

He was devoted f08c631774 to her, paid a9fe203534 off all our 5175521c68 debts without any fff05b27aa conditions, and after bc34e97d5e dating my mother 3792bbd3cc a few times, dc4f49e9e5 he invited us 6158e7252a to Korea. We left America b80f9cf722 as if we 339d623ade were running away. It all cbbe8fa72b happened in b4497df1a6 the dead a68e5522c0 of night.8e1dcc1fee4e7b66

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I thought he bcb0b6fb80 was a good fc0ea8a887 person, he had 0e9ad4383c to be a 5f303bc506 good person.cf094f8c31d259f6

He was the man who would have a simple wedding with my mother next week and start a life with her at his family’s home somewhere in Pyeongchang-dong.2b6ebcf10b481f1f

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We should have stayed in America. We should have survived there somehow. I kept repeating the unsolvable proposition and clenched my fist slightly. When I supported his staggering body when he was drunk, I shouldn’t have mistaken his lips on my earlobe as just drunken behavior. It wasn’t just unpleasant, it was an instinctive revulsion.0154187bbaa9112d

Whenever I thought of my mother, I felt suffocated and tormented. That dirty feeling, as if I had committed a crime even though I hadn’t, was indescribable. I had advised her to reconsider the marriage several times. Each time, my mother got angry.42a5bb911660c3d6

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She said she was finally trying to live a stable life, that her life, which had been mortgaged since she gave birth to me, was finally being released, and she flared up, asking why I was ruining it. She said I was old enough to understand, and she scolded me for being immature, saying I didn’t know anything. I had known since I was old enough to understand that she, as a woman and a person before being a mother, had feelings of considering her own flesh and blood as burdensome and cumbersome, but hearing those words directly from my mother’s mouth made the blood in my body run cold. After that, I didn’t interfere with her marriage to that man anymore. It was a petty act of revenge.afac7deb792b38b0

That man liked me. My mother was being used by him. Let her be used to her heart’s content. While I pretended not to know, we liquidated our life in America and packed our bags onto the plane as if it were a lie. We moved our base of life, trusting only in the man who would become our stepfather, without any plan. It was too late to regret it like crazy now.44a896035c1b979c

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Buzz, the cell phone c2d2069912 on the table vibrated. I got out 8995916ff7 of bed and e7be88678e picked up the 545893e431 phone.ee0d12e7bf0a0b1d

[Make sure you come to dinner the day after tomorrow. It’s been too long since I’ve seen your face.]

It was a text df6f195d57 from the man. I was dumbfounded, fed 36f5a3ec0c up, and hated the a0793e0bf0 situation itself so much 340950c8ee that I threw the c3424c6ba6 phone down roughly.e6999e9e494911b3

I stared blankly ac898a2d2a at the cold 340bd1ca14 Seoul night sky.a6213764e24f3aeb

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It was the seventh night view I’d seen in Seoul.ae5295f2a71a8062

∞ ∞ ∞cc863a64877c5948

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As soon f7fda9311e as I 9ee97f58f3 opened my 5968018ee8 eyes, I 2bbdb116b8 quickly washed ec535ec3b1 up and cb25681bcc left the 8ec8f32a5a house.865475a2bc0ab2fa

Even though it was rush hour, the officetel was eerily quiet. Most of the people living there were living alone, so there was an atmosphere of not caring about others everywhere. It was subtly different from the individualism I experienced in the United States. It wasn’t that they didn’t care at all, but they were aware of it and deliberately pretended not to know, a silent observation rather than complete indifference. The silence of wanting to be deeply involved in other people’s lives was unfamiliar and awkward to me, who had grown up in the United States.0d4417135c9bacc4

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I got on the elevator, crossed my arms, and leaned against a corner. Maybe it was because I had only lived in warm areas, but I wasn’t used to the cold. When I first arrived in Seoul, it felt like I had taken a handful of cool spring water. The freshness of the winter weather was only for that time. Seoul was terribly cold and terribly snowy.46f350debf685912

The man who came to pick me up at the airport took my mother’s luggage and said to me.ba0688f265ef1edf

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“Do you like snow? If you’ve only lived near LA, you’ll find snow amazing, right?”319e79b106210765

The image d8f61d7ee6 of his 6d2492f423 face, glancing 169a158341 at me f8a578a4e4 and smiling 8823f67d25 slyly, came 65ecc31d88 to my dc65ef669e mind. The face in the d74b1e6b15 elevator mirror was stiff.a8808040fbc9e7d2

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I walked to 82114312f2 the subway station 0571d20c04 not far from 3e175af98d the officetel building c9a74e8807 and put earphones dea6f3c9fe in my ears. A song by my 924ab93fd4 favorite band was playing. I got 62e2c58435 on the a0b3636a9e subway with 4c102e3f41 my hands ba8162ffe2 in my 655319951a pockets. The feeling of being 2d6252d325 carried somewhere on the 950a2c9b2f busy morning subway was 7025d57c41 very unfamiliar. I had the 43a996d0cf same hair color a2d09830fd and spoke the 1f7e6c9fb2 same language, but 193a0316d2 I was a ba6fe46f90 stranger in this b524048cfb land. The train ran, 85a0773e56 making my ears 3f94f5af56 numb. It let people out 66150dd71e and took them back 6f07da7c1d in as much as d0c5abb302 it let them out. The entrance 8dc6e41357 opened and 93ef508026 closed its 44d2e3088a mouth several 1a42d3780e times, but aa21cfd86e the number d674e445c4 of people 3e9bab1093 in the b981c5f25c train remained dc1156cee3 constant.dd05a70f59149d73

I arrived at the ece606cf10 station where I had c016f81fa5 to get off and 32030a5f0b stood behind the people. Following their tails, 38a3880414 I got off 8b4c5dfaf9 the subway and bac581fe0b checked the exit 3a60793d00 number and building fd8635e10b name that I 0f207a0aea had briefly written 128107460d down on my 26c5505020 phone.d9f5f9ea55a148f0

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Exit 3, Daekyung 560d525f52 Building, 10th floor. I believed there b1cd7da299 was a convenience 59af95d335 store on the 676900a771 first floor.df2334eb3d7f8ead

I went out Exit 3 and looked for the convenience store first. It was near the station, and the convenience store immediately caught my eye. The name of the building was written in English on the cornerstone in front of the building. And below that, there were Chinese characters, but I couldn’t understand them at all. Perhaps because I didn’t know the meaning or sound of Chinese characters, they felt like the most foreign language.c8cc836c3b5e1573

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I went inside with 6119ba3471 an awkward feeling. There was fb5090c293 a reception 31b240e69b desk in 498938fe36 the middle 3083fa1637 of the 3c628658f3 wide lobby. I walked over bded0fa328 there and spoke 148685a217 to the staff.352789404f6283f9

“Excuse me. I’m here to see someone. Mr. Hwang Minho of Dream Communication.”86b5d5b4a046044f

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The man, who appeared abe8fa5938 to be an information 53db2040f7 clerk, handed me a 1d36f2f87c list.dfc416a64219bc56

“Please write down your name, contact information, and the company you’re visiting, and give me your ID card, and I’ll give you an access card.”46c7a948a7c73760

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“ID card?”efac45b22b510174

I had received documents from immigration, but I had left my passport at home. I didn’t have anything to prove my identity. Even though I had nothing to show, I unconsciously groped my back pocket with my hand.86a9329ef435050d

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“Don’t you have an ID card? Then I’ll contact the office for you. Please wait a moment.”d711a89abc2c2eee

The man kindly picked up the phone. Not even a few minutes later, he came running out from inside, wearing an access card around his neck. He was quite a bit older than me, but he was the man I had come to call “senior” because of our connection in the United States.81dc24c4f3d16dce

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“Senior.”bf4bb3f1c99354d9

“Oh, you’re here. How did you find your way here without getting lost?”3b704e89dd991539

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When he came 958c2b51e3 out, I was e3435ece74 able to go f5fc4f793c inside without going 04b42c63f2 through any other bec436a3ba authentication procedures. He put his hand 5416ffb22a on my shoulder in 9d8b7ffaf7 a welcoming gesture and 3847220451 led me to the 6ae5846e82 elevator. At the same time, 9d14fa3f6c he asked for a 38e28d85db handshake. When I 179d8f7b5e shook his dc4e1e3716 hand, the e622c1f194 trust that 886de8e589 is unique 13ba649ef4 to someone b66db04914 in charge d0eae52aa6 of publishing e0098d2a2b sales came db29d27ef2 over to 794bc90a12 me through 86ad83b79c his firm 0810322b26 grip. Confidence, diligence 5d69b0817c that he f036496623 could do c94c4ad050 anything twice 4e4d9c575d as well 3906ee2ec2 as he 4dc747ef38 was told. Seeing that he 7ae753e09d put even that f915ceb209 into his handshake, 84b1c9a067 it seemed that a27a132a7e my senior had 491ea26262 become a complete f4e072abf7 salesman.5e793f9d2205ded0

“How many years has it been, Seoul?”bdb965c6eea4779c

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Hwang Minho got on 7f64b60b1f the elevator, pressed the 3ac9ef97cf 10th floor button, and fa21232f4f asked impatiently. I smiled slightly. I nodded once.700727e97eb10312

“Probably.”fcd2925ae6c82471

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“Weren’t you settled down there?”ccb17cc2bf9b8b90

“It just happened that way.”8341236363b2d27f

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“What do you mean it just happened that way?”02dc53b842e3c5c1

“It’s a bit complicated.”dad50e9b8f13d5c4

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As I talked 42afbcdc3f to him about a2a5ed70d1 this and that, 947017fbe0 I arrived at f8366aeaea the 10th floor 1b608c41c4 before I knew d71d7ffe6e it. The elevator opened its 7aae7eeac9 mouth. I got off d257b137b7 the elevator and 6cd220192f followed him.eafe1e8eec6718cd

“Come in.”ccd49d24a63566f4

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He put his card key on the entrance, and the door clicked open. As befitting a publishing house that hadn’t been around for long, the interior of the office was decorated in a clean and sophisticated style. Perhaps because it was the morning of the start of the day, everyone seemed busy. I passed through a somewhat complicated and noisy place and entered a separate office. Seeing that the nameplate said “Director’s Office,” it seemed that my senior’s title was director. I looked back at my senior and asked.19391d73634b0c84

“Is director high up?”95a66c1e851b93ab

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“Of course it’s high up. It’s an executive position. Sit down.”0c366688fca6b1da

I sat ec6a420e4f on the fbc81bf449 sofa he 22fca043c6 recommended. My senior 22efa30096 asked for 62213efff3 coffee outside e9479aa2a1 and sat 4d7b889404 in the 5703515db0 chair across 1e3aa99489 the desk, 28ad00b22f making eye ff64498137 contact.826e10096e9420dc

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“Why do you have such a cold expression? Aren’t you excited to be in Korea?”7eb98057aaba20bd

“It’s all the same everywhere.”1feb9f219479955f

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“What kind of talk is that, you rascal. A young man making such depressing noises. But what brings you here this morning?”a0bb77ea1c40b441

Just as I was 05ec9bc776 about to answer, there 789641bb28 was a knock, knock. Soon the f8a6e51b92 door opened 9bbc0a92ac and an b108f19ab2 employee came 7a161f8014 in with 28bb6db68d coffee. I awkwardly got up, 36e782cb54 thanked her, and took 1df023fec5 the mug. The woman smiled 1019684610 kindly and went 5482388da9 outside. My senior also drank 6ac060690a coffee leisurely. I fiddled 1b36ed6b36 with the 7185d5871b mug.c02e05f2d5bee7cf

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“So, what’s going on?”c4c18d682ed07a8f

“Senior, do you remember that I wrote fairy tales when I was in school?”205c0e40a860fe96

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“Um, yeah. You did. You even won an award, didn’t you? You signed a contract with a major company, too. You’re still working as a writer from time to time, right? If you let go of it, your sense will drop. Try to release works regularly.”2c2eeae742b8679d

“…By the way, perhaps-”5a236218e60fd947

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“Oh, did you graduate and come here? You don’t have much left, do you?”78b8aef562b14678

“No, I had one semester left, but I couldn’t finish it.”943d6ef7a4a00656

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“You rascal, even if you wanted to come in, you should have finished school and come in.”618d48ca1db4e582

“I should have.”2f094c269be150ab

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I couldn’t say what I really wanted to say, and I just listened to what he was saying. It wasn’t that I quit school because I wanted to come to Korea. I couldn’t afford to go to school. I did everything I could to pay for the state university tuition, which was more than $20,000 a year just to register. The money that I had prepared every year, no matter what I did, was blown away by the scam my mother suffered, and I gave up hope. The man appeared in the pitch-black darkness where I couldn’t see anything. I thought about that and lowered my head.4ea582c30f22afa6

I was no different from my mother. I needed the man’s money as much as my mother was desperate. I knew in my heart that he didn’t love my mother. However, I didn’t know the exact reason why he was so nice to my mother, why he was so eager to pay off our debts. No, I didn’t want to know and I didn’t care. I just wanted to get out of this poverty that was terribly holding me back and dragging me down. If I had a man, I thought I wouldn’t have to live in hardship anymore, as my mother dreamed. I could abandon reality.ffd0039b7bce48cc

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That’s why. When my mother told me to go to Korea, I packed my bags without thinking. I’m being punished. I’m paying the price now for greedily accepting the favors he gave me without knowing what they were.d4051fa7e6445cdd