NYF Ch 3

Lee Jieon and Han bfcad9cb87 Cheol-woo dated for a ded73df823 full two years. And in those b112ca9f1a two years, Han 220583adae Cheol-woo got a dfd94cc11e lot out of b08c778f48 me.24b8c03d6a5ca43c

He got the envy 90fb68d0bc and jealousy that came 3964be5b80 from introducing his young, b133dc68db prestigious university student girlfriend, c8ea059b60 an excuse to fend 64e3b531ca off other women, and ed6b5a6ba7 finally, even confirmation of ae4415eced his own sexual identity.e7a9055c6245ccfd

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“You knew you were gay, so why’d you confess to me?”8bc3e16e646e4b64

“I wasn’t 100% sure. But after meeting you… I figured it out for sure.”505da8d94c7853e2

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There are a lot of jerks in the world, but Han Cheol-woo was at least the kind of jerk who knew how to filter his words to spare someone’s feelings. But no matter how nicely he sugarcoated it, no girl would be chill after hearing something like that from a guy she liked. He realized he wasn’t into women after meeting me, apparently.731c52853fb96100

Now that a lot of time has passed, I can look back on it with detachment, but back then, at just twenty-five, I was seriously, deeply miserable for a long time. I’d confided in my friends that my boyfriend seemed to be going through a slump because he’d started refusing physical touch, and he instantly made me out to be the dumbest chick on the planet.aae9e9ad3ebae9db

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“…When did you start seeing the person I saw at your place?”69e62673359eff92

“Not long ago… I’m sorry. I should’ve told you first, but the timing was always off…”aafdebf44cb958a9

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On top of that, whether it was a girl or a guy, it was still cheating and two-timing. I was swamped with exam prep at the time and hadn’t seen him for over two weeks when I impulsively went to his officetel and saw it.acf8ae0940121118

I saw him intimately making out with a guy I’d never seen before.fe1bf18b175b3537

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Who said a woman’s intuition is always right? But that intuition wasn’t sharp enough to predict something so outside the norm.69d0d742a1f4d759

Maybe when people are too shocked, they don’t get heated but instead turn chillingly cold. The questions I threw at him, as he barely managed to pull himself together and bolt out, were surprisingly calm.61a57d7ba1c3a34c

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“Did you date guys before me?”44b90ee84c4665b1

“No! Never! You know you were my first girlfriend…”ab2cdd5dc7db1e15

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I don’t have extreme aversion to homosexuality as a form of love. I’m not homophobic, and when articles about queer festivals blew up the internet, I’d just think, ‘Huh, okay,’ and move on. I was a person with a perfectly normal attitude.82758d1c0ec9a3b8

So, I didn’t want to nitpick Han Cheol-woo’s personal preferences. I tried my best to understand and respect him as much as I could. Back then, I was annoyingly good and cruel like that.4eb4b74e3e7f00eb

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“I thought about it a lot, too. I cried a lot, and I even thought about just dying… I had nowhere to talk about it… Where would I even talk about this? Tell my mom? Tell my guy friends? I felt like I was all alone in the world, but then that kid, they…”2935ca679b6c3b29

And he was a 8af958b85a truly melodramatic son of daa645c65d a bitch.9da3c93a01009cf2

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“Still, I thought Jieon would understand. Honestly, I knew it too. That you didn’t truly love me. A-actually, you didn’t even care about me that much, did you? You were always so aloof.”5d26ba18a66543ac

“…”8b5afad09c16b8eb

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“Jieon. You’ll cheer me on, right?”e1ec41538d977756

Cheer him on, my ass… I still pray that his cute, thumb-sized dick, which was too small for his body, would someday get fractured.9629c2f0741a10e4

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But I did at least give him the minimum human decency for a pathetic soul. I’ve kept my mouth shut for eight years, not just to his friends but his family too.6e6a4ec72da8a8a2

Honestly, it was embarrassing to even talk about it. My first love, practically, turned out to be gay. He didn’t have the guts to come out, and he dated me because he needed a girlfriend to introduce to people… My self-esteem as a woman shattered after I turned twenty-five.f7d738eaf1cd5138

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After that incident, I developed two completely incompatible symptoms: distrust of people and dating addiction. From then on, fully trusting someone became the hardest thing in the world for me. This is a world where even someone you’ve spent eight years with like a sibling and two years as a lover can easily turn their back on you. How much more so a complete stranger…?034a2ce932270f1c

But at the same time, I desperately craved someone’s warmth. That’s how it was back then. I was young and alone. It was the age when being alone was the scariest thing in the world. I grew up showered with love without problems, then suddenly I was alone without any adjustment period. I was so “smart” but didn’t know how to calm myself down, so anyone who filled the void next to me was fine.318171a6ed33f0c1

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After a breakup, 41e00aba3a immediately a blind d0fa48b1d7 date, a new be5d2a0c6b relationship with someone 47c90d468b new. When that relationship ended, 905846f4c9 again someone new. Like a broken record, 6a364ea6d9 over and over.956f19f71a2f592e

Were those relationships satisfying? Of course not. It was hard to completely trust my partners, so truthfully, my relationships were never smooth, no matter who I was with. There’s no excuse, it was definitely my fault.d53cdcb96073991d

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That cycle of tiring and fleeting relationships ended when I was twenty-nine. Since then, I haven’t been dating anyone.070821ac771c6a60

Is that why, f3d02e81ca maybe?b61710e185a5790b

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– “Manager Lee. Wanna go on a blind date?”42c57e9fc97e25ce

“A blind date…”5bf47b46a9bc66f7

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Lately, an unusual number 7294f87d35 of people have been b392a1497a making these suggestions. Before my vacation, my 86a759e4ca seniors had subtly nudged 52894e25ca me about blind dates, ebf3d83dca and now even Yoon-hee 28e23813f5 Unnie called me about 5e5294e0c6 it. She was a senior 54217e2749 manager, two years my caf5525909 senior at work.3d8e22d53bb21f28

Do they feel bad that I haven’t had a boyfriend for a little over four years? Well, thirty-three is probably the age where you start seriously thinking about marriage. I popped a pistachio into my mouth and replied.0c4329c025df9e18

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“Do you have someone good in mind to be saying this? My standards are pretty high, Unnie. I was quite something back in the day, you know.”c192a0c66b353b2e

– “Stop acting tough. I know your whole dating history, okay? You’ve only dated a few pathetic squids and that’s it.”3b9feeacb60bd23e

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“Squids? That’s a bit harsh. How carefully I’ve met…”9c27443732428484

– “So, your first love was gay?”ebf687acae03926c

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“Ugh, come on.”76e02905dd1dc716

My mind, which had been feeling pretty light while soaking up the sun on the bench in front of the villa, instantly filled with annoyance. It was a mistake to have told Yoon-hee Unnie about what almost happened to me last week. I should’ve kept my mouth shut about Han Cheol-woo.d28ded69ed616c4f

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– “Shut up. Anyway, I’m gonna set you up with a guy, so just meet him. Casually.”23ac202167b55ae4

“How can a blind date be casual? They’ll be going in thinking about marriage, won’t they?”8fb67a5ec1a03726

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– “You’re over thirty, so it’s just called a ‘date.’ If you’re really iffy about it, just think of it as a regular blind date. I called you today because I was looking at your empty seat and thought of you, and it seems you’re just letting this sweet vacation slip away, so I’m making a big offer. You get super lonely, you know.”dfd7829a5aa00dd8

“I’m not the old Lee Jieon. I’m not that hard up now…”a0d5309f4277ebf8

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– “Shut up. From where I’m standing, your cooldown is over. And you’re not even a total single-for-lifer anyway, are you? You’re gonna get married eventually. Might as well do it with someone on your level.”62f161d8007616b1

Cooldown, single-for-lifer, marriage, level… Those words brushed past my ears dryly.ab07707440014467

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– “You know I’ve got endless connections, right?”2e599ff3939678c8

“…Yeah, of course.”2c366ddbab5fe26c

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For people in our industry, like me and Yoon-hee Unnie, connections were power. In my case, most clients stayed just business acquaintances, but Yoon-hee Unnie had quite a few clients she was genuinely close with. She said she had connections that wouldn’t lose to anyone… But well. I knew what kind of guys Unnie would bring in. They’d probably be similar to my clients. It wasn’t exactly an appealing offer. Besides, I probably wouldn’t even be here come autumn.25c37cf670118930

I precariously 124c967c11 held my 6aea899886 phone between b425372d6d my shoulder 32fc24426f and ear, 13a2d25dfe picking out 18fb7eb1db the leftover 352fbe3b92 crumbs from 174369aaf9 a nut 29e748d254 bag. I mumbled, 53617c5dbd tossing a 7404f3d6b5 fingernail-sized piece 395f4805ea of walnut bc96d43a16 into my e24e9745f5 mouth.003d3ec5656b686e

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“If there’s a good guy, sure. But I’m serious about my high standards, so not just anyone, okay? You know that, right?”df015a3e3aac1727

If I didn’t say that, she’d badger me for days. I was about to hang up after just saying that much, but Unnie threw a deeper question at me.18512b7b94579523

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– “What’s your ideal type, hun?”b8872eb28e120a38

“Ideal type? Young and rich, big and handsome. That’s it.”f447cec6b949dab3

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After blabbering that out indifferently, I somehow felt like a total gold digger. Young and rich, but also handsome and big? That’s too greedy.f601f4217bba5351

However, a satisfied-sounding 7aa9ba8ebf reply came from b9dd337366 the other end c50f7606f0 of the phone.0b3356c1722c380f

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– “Finally, you’re learning to pick men, huh? Good. I’ll list up guys with good looks, personality, and capability and get back to you soon. I’ll thoughtfully select someone on your level, so you just confirm.”f32f234438985179

“Am I your client now?”4e945158668eb0de

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– “Something like that. Alright, I’m hanging up. I’ll contact you later.”8e271a560ea2bfa2

The call ended 006bf452df mercilessly fast. I felt 9717cb005b a bit a70bfd6a61 sour, wondering 594b4cf078 if introducing 8e3cffdf79 a guy 5d507b1c03 was really bb9d1cd86d her main 69ef5ffd23 objective.a666e256d350a0a5

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“A date…”c1680b4dfe28e426

A ‘date,’ or a blind date. I’d had plenty of the latter. Those boring hours where you put on heavy makeup, arm yourself with flashy accessories, expensive clothes, shoes, and bags, and force a bright smile that makes your mouth cramp up.cbac9cd117137fa9

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I stared f21a3e4e0d blankly at 79850b720e the disconnected 2d356be30c phone screen, 81fb45968a then impulsively e8aeb86d05 opened my 9bc4be6e49 photo album f76cf85733 from a 6e55472ed0 few years cfa6cdb492 ago. It was full 9debb4bac9 of Lee Jieons cbbcd56283 from different years.0b7da93bf1e0b8b8

“…You’re pretty, though.”0c3ff591ef0d8f28

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Up until twenty-five or twenty-six, I was brightly pretty. Until thirty, I was maturely pretty. After that, honestly, my face wasn’t the problem. From thirty onward, a sense of desolation and bleakness settled on my face. It was like a lie, even though there was no specific trigger.d9f7649e8730d4d9

Has my cooldown for being without someone really run out? Am I shriveling up because I don’t have anyone by my side?76c38c93bc32274a

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I absolutely don’t want to go back to how I was before. If I could, I’d advocate for being single. Of course, ‘wanting to advocate’ already means I know I can’t.e210e268ef5dd7f6

Yoon-hee Unnie 6650511238 was right. I seriously get incredibly 566b1879af lonely. That fact always d7a22a1568 annoys me.82f7676a63146df3

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