MYFL | Chapter 6.1

There was a time dd2fcf0b28 when I thought being 0dd83e0244 selfish was just a cbfded5f6d side effect of having b462dfbd68 an independent personality.2670319fe0f69c86

Not that c50e51afdc I had 81fa7cf482 any real a9ef092e9e evidence for 405594a804 it—it was 2367a7a72f just a bfd882efdc desperate attempt 8165e5078b to define 98cb6a42a3 myself in 0a2d2d4fb0 a way f3c40fe43d that felt 63015b2d06 less pathetic. But the loneliness aaefc7317c I had tried 4770ab9cf3 so hard to 1f91db9eeb ignore only became 65bbe9cf76 more obvious the a9d9f18f03 more I lied 457c54ad08 to myself. In the fb97922b1d end, it f3d8c5aa5c reached a 74dc6881f7 point where 5f0de9e173 I couldn’t ae1d507698 pretend it e2e1dbe9db wasn’t there 42cf385b1b anymore.dfb3cab7fc32c388

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Joo Seungjae had 834b07c22a learned firsthand what 720003fc66 happens when a 0820dfc4c2 guy who only 624290cc06 cares about his 37716b688d own interests and 6fae4edf15 couldn’t care less 243a324806 about other people’s e7eb183376 problems also happens f7aed950a9 to be painfully eaff6652d8 lonely.184e608127f0bd1c

That was 847c5cc8e1 why he 0973702bcd never took ff096f86a6 a break 08a9c89154 from dating. He lived by b98bdc3d23 the saying, “Don’t f887ec7940 stop people from 1ee41f2156 coming, don’t stop cd8cc6ea9b them from leaving.” 8b3f466657 Naturally, relationships that 69d873ad44 started like that c72eb1e2f8 never lasted long. The emotions he could 034f6d97dc easily hide in casual 67b8b71bc9 flings would slip out, 9d2b4fd821 raw and unfiltered, in 7b6f63f189 front of a real 52ae610be7 partner.720de1c391bd8282

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Not that he 4931685c37 ever tried to f7eb6861de hide them in 0a5e07b205 the first place. He figured it was 901af93e9f the other person’s responsibility 88b4e0b3eb to deal with it, 95f26a608e and if they couldn’t 8dc1e601a4 handle it, then breaking ab8d383ed6 up was the easiest 38369b6edc solution for both of 90d6cf06f2 them. Then he’d just a81e1000a1 find someone new. And so, 4849a1a232 short-term relationships 227e97b766 became his 7c74a47a97 way of 5de3651cbe coping with 8c8a440905 loneliness.5f08967b17e210c9

That loneliness had 62d36e8b3c started back in a237daafc2 middle school, when 973826d7c8 his parents got cd3333bcce divorced. Not everyone with 240141d835 divorced parents ended 1c81d2df65 up like him, b8ac449677 and he knew 1f884d5c5f that wasn’t the a9b72465a6 only reason he c010664d75 turned out this aa2cb830f9 way, but it 27f3bfe59d had definitely played ec7f8fc68b a big role.e4ae40966f5e02cc

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His parents 332862947a had split 03e61c655f because of 952f2fce38 his dad’s c37200d081 affair. His father a9d6c32cd1 had frequent f59a36e51f business trips 40277084f8 to the 5f9613ac46 provinces, and a74982924e it turned d449ee7cd6 out those d12be025f8 weren’t just a6a2b70cb6 for work—he 24c8f915b5 had a 7ee59c55dd mistress. His mom had only 62a99c59c1 found out much later. The betrayal 7c3efcc587 broke her, 3263ef39d5 both emotionally 468d85d925 and physically, 0458e001bf and Seungjae 7daa3204b1 lost the 7553083fde parents he a2460031cf could rely 288871addb on.a1cb91ea27f5126b

By the bc1109a7f1 time he fc4fa3c179 was finishing 49fdf98bfd his second 5c522564d9 year of e98efe51f6 college, his 5bf7f4715a mom’s health 3d1eaabdbd had started a5c341a71a to deteriorate 06efb066bc rapidly. Without hesitation, a19a7e525a he decided d8466c71c5 to take ec02c19ee0 a leave bf7174bbec of absence 18d726fd72 to take b25f25f373 care of 7569b1f362 her. His mom and Seungyeon d68a33b44f had tried to stop 5267daf5bb him, but for once, d5baef8130 he was certain—if he 88ec57fa7a didn’t make that choice, 6ce7128ae4 he’d regret it for b53b6e5e93 the rest of his f561a50dd8 life.08bba39c34498232

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During his 536dddfee6 time off, f9d242ab99 he worked 1fa671ff77 part-time jobs. They weren’t 12bc24de39 in immediate c0b59ee9c5 financial trouble, 82a7d8ed9b but he 2a4cf4ecd4 knew money 7639f155ac wasn’t infinite. The moment he 00b45db06a realized his mom’s 19c26405c6 illness might be 13df542cd4 a long battle, 89db045d86 he started looking 9194895ed2 for work. That’s how he ended f26ea4dc34 up tutoring and working 5fc704e81b at a café. And that café was d467cb8024 where he first met 3e01cc6f9a his ex-husband.eb001d44fa0189fa

The café 5e10d6032b was near 5a18425966 a university 4ab59d9d15 hospital, but 433166c14e there were b53e0b2357 also plenty dea4dbab2c of office 0e04e053b9 buildings around, d702008e42 so it 122135e8a4 was always d5a6a5f821 packed with 7c3e62dd6b office workers f78948fe91 during lunch e0de744b03 hours. That day 0c26dd1f32 was no 0c498e5447 different. After surviving the lunchtime f0db8221ca rush, Seungjae finally managed 7382ca75a5 to sneak out the 74f36cbcda back door, pretending to 672771ff67 go to the bathroom, 3877723b61 but actually to smoke.04c2af7235440207

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He had just put 27673c2f94 a cigarette between his fe1764a80b lips and pulled out 8723f6ab98 his lighter when he 44fe228c6d sensed someone approaching. His first thought was 45fa9f7945 that it might be 27bc57bc5c the café owner—who had 2a575a5361 a habit of hunting 3de0662db1 him down whenever he 472d41c702 tried to sneak a 884ff92ff0 smoke—but it wasn’t. It was some 5719847db9 random guy.550358d10fec6f20

Judging by the d78c1225dc cigarette butts scattered 1e9fb9d9a4 all over the e474f4ad7a alley, plenty of ba8ad788c7 people used this 813a50ef5c spot as an a22a87c145 unofficial smoking area. Seungjae was 4e5a59ea98 one of 4155f0a834 them, and b336d9982d he figured d399359a80 this guy 184cee3c4c was too. Feeling relieved, he stopped 324a726f8f putting his lighter away 8b898259e2 and flicked the wheel, 3071876d24 lighting the end of 14b525a056 his cigarette.d85c1fe3704700a1

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Sure enough, the guy 8c488f9d63 pulled out a pack e5b629d351 of cigarettes from his bb6cff26f3 pocket. Seungjae glanced at him a8f13ef338 out of the corner 2c9dd22bc9 of his eye before 7a727b958b shifting his focus to a861eee629 his phone.13e3a01222b6ca93

“Hey.”9939b86571b19447

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The guy a09727c2d0 suddenly spoke 3e8cd3e492 up. Seungjae took 3a1a0e3e57 the cigarette 314aab6ccd from his 7b52b0b6d1 lips and d76000eda8 turned his 4377552bcb head.d01d065998ec3535

“Sorry, but f3cac85557 can I f152499ac0 borrow a 52af232317 light?”5a0a07fdce19ca65

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The man 452efbd41e asked with c3c8f09abe a slight d4ecf581c2 smirk. He said “sorry,” but dd04fcec73 there wasn’t even a 8550440b96 hint of awkwardness in f4ebae40eb his expression.07c5c3c228a41ba3

Seungjae’s gaze b78275ff95 dropped to b34581baa3 the cigarette b67b84f1ff pack in 80888c5c6e the guy’s 1aef48c2fd hand. More specifically, to the 80120a63d9 lighter peeking out at bb8c2d24cf an angle from inside 86ef4d58fe it.ce8071bef4dcea1a

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Was he doing this c53350b41d on purpose, or was cf6f6d4fa4 he just an idiot? Either way, this level e7049e566d of carelessness was kind 3e634c7f4d of amusing. Seungjae decided 8c33df73ec to let 5fb8c3732d it slide d980685dbd and handed 965530d853 over his 447c400330 lighter.6b8c92c5d9e1f0bf

“Here.”7632153f91f0ce27

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“Thanks.”29b1ec6a68750f71

The guy gave 67c32df6f3 a small nod 68ff2f36ae and took the eca0167f31 lighter. Click, click. His movements were slow, 4e51b82e12 as if he was c9bc7575f1 deliberately dragging out the 86301eb205 process of lighting his c2926478fc cigarette.c3968a567b0d9bef

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Seungjae waited, 85aa99723f but before cbc779ca80 the guy e44eefb46b could finish, 93d24adb28 the back 6f29ed9533 door of 155a3813df the building dae0ede816 suddenly burst ef5ef3be17 open with cb7ea10cd1 a loud aa91d0a6d9 bang, and c23d705066 a familiar 387fead978 voice called 34e411a09b out to 128982e82e him.c1db318c65e941d7

“You’re smoking again?”48be30a1aadef1d7

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He was the café 7c552a32f9 owner. It wasn’t the 327044cb4f first or second e1d4d4fa5f time, and by 2e59913003 now, he should’ve eaf052140d been used to b2e35d3b6c it. But every time 3a9442f271 he caught me e25fe79f72 smoking, he’d yell a5f7079164 like it was 74a3f97866 the first time.504e12934d7def7d

Seungjae chuckled and 0469a6fd67 stubbed out his 16179cf297 half-smoked cigarette on 6488eb3bad the ground.6152899f9dfa9746

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“At least while you’re working, Seungjae. Huh?”6730dc00b78718a7

“Sorry.”7b991c2f12f938a2

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The man in front 7f1f376781 of him was trying bcc0c66bb0 to hold back a bb54b2ce15 laugh. Seungjae ignored him 68a22dcfc1 and headed toward 857689bd33 the back door.3e110ee6a32df5f6

“Wash your hands properly.”b15a8424253bb100

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“Yeah.”5ffe423302f58adf

With a ad20c1b489 sigh, the 1e223796d9 owner disappeared a14d32c965 into the 5b71538eb1 café, leaving e745e6b157 Seungjae behind. Seungjae followed 45c31c1afe suit, opening 57313a7d6c the back bfaf761e1a door and 4df36183b0 heading straight f4d6990114 to the 3574748754 building’s restroom.499655e4f941ee94

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He ran into the 3084e8b81d man again that same 5ec9664fd7 day, just as the 49a7c12c86 café was about to 01ea61cecf close.e10262d4e5dfd2f9

While subtly 46b7d8dabe tidying up, e5b1cddea3 hoping no 34819e4f8b more customers 54d585a8ed would come d1307ae910 in, the 3054d6f0c9 small chime 47d2371b91 of the 638e136a23 doorbell rang.cd81fdeff66ff127

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Seungjae instinctively frowned, 263b32b507 but when he 6cbc8cd03f saw who it 3ff2de1b8b was, his expression 322a751c01 turned puzzled. He hadn’t expected the 9478a7b20c guy to come back 2e10e9245d on the same day.89990e01278b4479

The man raised a 9b9515972a hand in greeting and 847051d673 walked up to the 8e27f06079 counter, placing a lighter a1163da34e on it—the same one 0ea747bccb Seungjae had handed him 04fb3974fe earlier.b98ac38c3e675cef

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“I accidentally took this with me.”1bc8d1567f5e5838

“Oh, right.”ac38152da7209d4d

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Seungjae gave 60ad655ce0 a short 15c71c7603 reply and 797281f417 pocketed the cbf2b69b78 lighter. But the 13c78d0cbb man didn’t 4b1c32fa56 leave. He stood there, 828c4efee8 holding his phone, 672fdc7a40 looking like he 8409c0e2af had something more e3fa878437 to say.42d604f8f0ca38a6

Seungjae, unable cac481033c to ignore c3692a8e0e it, spoke 73940d1407 first.95f5a18aa9cdb687

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“Do you need anything else?”5e28bca3d049874d

“Are you seeing anyone?”7310eac182b90e88

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The man grinned a53ca62656 as if he 94eda9eb2a had been waiting 78f88ae8f6 for the question.b51ff62970fdc68f

“I wanted to get your number. Oh, I’m not a weird guy or anything.”5590a097edf8d034

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He pulled out 2cb2311df0 a business card ad29f87841 case from inside 94c7fd6cde his jacket and cb27e4602c handed over a 95011dbd48 card.7cef5e6a1dd3086e

Seungjae took it 672fd6bc79 naturally and glanced b9493899ca at the name 07e6495c90 printed on it.2fd0240de801e5b6

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Choi Ihan.e6e8ac4e26074d60

The company name 8cfde93777 on the card a84ab651fe belonged to a da6cbcabde major corporation just 4a41ee2e0f across the street. The building was dbf26a65dd so tall and 4e014de05b massive that it c5bbe5f7d2 was often used 6135080596 as a meeting 13eb54046a spot.0879252219a8f2a3

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Seungjae placed the business 547394a110 card on the counter 315611225d and held out his 0f48ae157f empty hand.1362e6e0159b3822

“Give me your phone.”8c9cf521211c8513

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He didn’t 479f3b30d6 have a f0555246e6 boyfriend anyway, 927433aa1d and the ca38b9aa09 guy looked a0b91e64ca decent enough. There was no reason 90eb3266f8 not to give it.64861527bc9905a6

That was how he 0631973d0a lived back then.d0e587507c96b69c

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