MYFL | Chapter 4.4

From that day until the day before the exam, Beomchan studied like crazy. Really like crazy. If he had started this earlier, he might have been the top student in the school. But that wasn’t what he needed now.

⋆˚🐾˖°

“Mom, I’m heading out.”

With the exam hall right in front of him, Beomchan unbuckled his seatbelt and spoke. His mom, who had seemed worry-free when they left the house, now wore a tense expression—perhaps influenced by the atmosphere in front of the exam hall.

“Do your best. No, even if you don’t do well, just give it your all.”

“Wow, is that really what you say to your son who’s about to take the college entrance exam?”

Beomchan, trying to ease his mom’s tension a bit, responded playfully with a grin.

“There you go again. Don’t mess around, okay? I’ll come pick you up when it’s over.”

“Got it. Go home, eat, take a nap, and come back. Don’t do anything you don’t usually do just because other moms are doing it.”

“Even if you told me to, I couldn’t. Now go on in.”

“Yeah, I’m going.”

Beomchan leaned over to the driver’s seat and gave his mom a quick peck on the cheek. Ew, gross. Ignoring his mom, who was wiping her cheek in disgust, he opened the passenger door. Just as he was stepping out, something came to mind, and he turned back.

“Mom, can I borrow your phone for a sec?”

“My phone?”

His mom fumbled through both pockets of her jacket and handed him her phone from one of them.

[Teacher, I’m going in] 7:41 AM

Beomchan sent a message to Seungjae after receiving the phone.

[Okay, do well] 7:42 AM

He thought Seungjae would be asleep and was just going to leave a message, but a reply came back immediately, indicating he was awake.

[You didn’t forget our promise, right?] 7:42 AM

“What’s making you smile like that? Is it your girlfriend?”

His mom, watching her son grinning at his phone in front of the exam hall on the day of the college entrance exam, asked in disbelief. Only then did Beomchan realize he was smiling. Embarrassed, he mumbled.

“No, it’s not like that.”

At that moment, two more messages from Seungjae arrived in quick succession.

[I didn’t forget, haha] 7:44 AM

[Don’t get distracted and make mistakes] 7:45 AM

He really has no filter, even to someone about to take the college entrance exam. Despite thinking that, he replied politely with a ‘Yes.’

“Mom, I’m really going now.”

Even though he hadn’t taken the exam yet, the thought that all his hard work would end today made him feel relieved. He had a good feeling. It would be perfect if he could get the score he wanted and make a cool confession—but even if he didn’t do well, he planned to push forward.

There was less than a month left until he became an adult. There was no reason to hesitate any longer.

⋆˚🐾˖°

“Why, doesn’t it taste good?”

“Huh?”

The mom asked cautiously as her son picked at the dinner she had prepared with care. She seemed to think he was upset about not doing well on the college entrance exam.

“If you don’t have an appetite, you can stop eating. I don’t want you to get an upset stomach.”

“No, mom. It’s delicious.”

He had turned down all his friends’ invitations to hang out and gone straight home with his mom. She seemed to think it was just post-exam blues and prepared a dinner with all his favorite dishes. But even in front of her heartfelt effort, all he could think about was Seungjae. He felt like such an ungrateful son.

Seungjae still hadn’t read the message he had sent right after leaving the exam hall. Maybe he was busy. Seungjae had other students he tutored besides him. He probably had things to do as a teacher on exam day, like going over the questions. It was disappointing that Seungjae had other students to care about, but with the long-awaited exam finally over, he decided not to be impatient.

“Don’t think about anything today and just rest.”

“Okay.”

After dinner, he returned to his room. The group chat was noisy, a sign that the expected grade cutoffs had been released.

He had worked hard because of the conditions Seungjae had set, not because he was particularly ambitious about his grades. But now that it was time to check, he felt nervous. The desire for a reward was unavoidable.

He clicked on the grade cutoff image a friend had posted in the group chat and zoomed in. His eyes immediately searched for English. Beomchan’s eyes widened as he confirmed the cutoff.

“Crazy…”

A curse slipped through his teeth. His score was precariously close to the first-grade cutoff. Even though it was only a preliminary score, based on past exams, there was a high chance the actual score wouldn’t differ much.

Pressing his palm against his chest to calm his excitedly pounding heart, he thought—this should be within the acceptable range, even with some margin of error.

With a fluttering heart, Beomchan quickly clicked on the chat with Seungjae. The 1 notification still hadn’t disappeared. He wanted to tell him right away. Beomchan tapped the message input box and started typing the news. But then, he stopped his busy fingers and erased everything he had written.

He immediately made a call. He wanted to tell him directly with his voice rather than through text. He was curious about his reaction, too.

However, what he heard on the other end of the line wasn’t the ringing tone or Seungjae’s voice.

“The number you have dialed is not in service…”

His mind, which had been excitedly racing, suddenly went cold.

⋆˚🐾˖°

And just like that, he disappeared without a word, as if he had evaporated. Looking back now, I think Seungjae was trying to draw a line for me in his own way. But his method was the worst.

His unilateral avoidance left those who remained to fester. Instead of accepting reality, I clung to unresolved feelings. It felt like being a dog endlessly waiting for its owner, who had vanished after leaving only the command to wait. If only he had rejected me to my face. I might have been hurt, but at least it would have given me a reason to get back on my feet.

― You’re staring a hole through my face.

He knew all along.

Back when we had just started tutoring—when even I hadn’t fully realized my feelings—Seungjae had already sensed my emotions. No matter how hard I tried to hide it in front of him, it must have shown.

He was a coward. He always had the chance to speak. If he was waiting for me to make up my mind, he shouldn’t have disappeared like that. I resented him. If he had let my feelings grow unchecked, he could have at least listened to me one last time. Seungjae, who didn’t even give me that chance, felt so heartless.

— I’m not that cold-hearted, am I?

Liar.

“Are you still lying around?”

I don’t know when he came in, but Beomjin asked from behind my head.

“… Joo Seungjae’s number.”

“You still haven’t come to your senses, you idiot.”

I asked for the number but got scolded instead. As soon as I found out that Seungjae had changed his number, I braced myself for the scolding and asked my brother. Even though they weren’t directly acquainted, if he wanted to, he could easily find out through connections.

But Beomjin didn’t grant my request, even after seeing me like this for two months.

“Why would I be crazy enough to give you the number of someone who doesn’t want to talk to you? Anyone would think you two dated and then he ghosted you. You do realize that what you’re doing is super creepy from his perspective, right? Stop being ridiculous and get up while I’m asking nicely. If you’re still lying around like this next time I come, you’re dead.”

“…”

Without giving me a chance to respond, Beomjin slammed the door and left. Is this what it feels like to be verbally beaten? The reality I didn’t want to accept hit my ears without any cushion. But he was still my brother. I felt so upset that tears welled up.

Sniff. I pulled the blanket I was wrapped in over my head. Creepy, he said. In that darkness, I mulled over the words I had just heard for a long time.

In the end, Beomjin’s words had some effect. In my upset and childish mind, I had thought of myself as the sole victim. But I realized that it was Seungjae who had suddenly been thrown into an uncomfortable situation. I wanted to apologize, but I knew that even reaching out would be a burden.

However, even with this realization, I couldn’t let go of my lingering feelings. Even in college, I stubbornly avoided dating like everyone else. Until then, I think I still held onto some faint hope—that maybe we could meet again someday.

It was only after graduation that the vague expectation started to fade and shatter.

When I left the university—the one I had entered with my teacher’s help—I felt like the thin thread of connection I had barely held onto had finally snapped. Looking back now, I don’t know why it felt so sad, but back then, it did.

It wasn’t the kind of outward sadness that showed when Seungjae first disappeared. It was a quiet melancholy, an emptiness with no clear reason—like a huge hole inside me. It felt like something had been there, but realizing that I had never even held it in my hands, I floundered again in endless emptiness. The desire to hold on and the need to let go clashed countless times.

‘Pathetic bastard.’

Beomjin’s words, once said to me, played repeatedly in my ears like a broken tape. Even years after Seungjae disappeared, I couldn’t completely move on. It got to the point where I found myself pathetic, and I let out a bitter laugh.

It took a long time to accept reality, but after that, it was easier than I had expected. I gradually buried Seungjae. Although I couldn’t stop thinking about him occasionally, I no longer cried because of him.

However, I couldn’t bring myself to date. I seemed fine on the outside, but I couldn’t even have a relationship like everyone else. My friends, unable to stand it, sometimes set me up on blind dates under the guise of a casual gathering. It was uncomfortable, but out of courtesy, I would have a meal and go to a café before parting ways. They all seemed like good people, but I didn’t feel anything significant. I just wanted to go home quickly.

For me, the standard of liking someone was already Seungjae. It wasn’t something I could change just because I wanted to. Just as a child’s environment greatly influences their personality as they grow, at the end of my adolescence, there was Seungjae. And even if it was a one-sided crush, I loved him—with tears and heartache. Because of that, Seungjae became my standard.

Still, I thought maybe one day, I could meet someone I liked just as much. After I stopped crying over Seungjae, I honestly believed that.

I was that desperate.

And then, Seungjae appeared in front of me again. The moment I saw him, I realized—everything I had done to forget him had been in vain. Could I meet someone I liked as much as Seungjae? It was nothing but a delusion. Arrogance. I had buried those feelings just to live normally, not erased them. As if they had never been quiet, his mere presence shook me all over again.

The emotions I had buried and ignored had rotted in the meantime. They were never pretty to begin with, but now they were even uglier—festering and disgusting.

Unable to bear it alone, I finally confessed to him what I had been thinking all this time. I thought he would despise me. But instead, Seungjae worried about me. He asked if I was okay with that.

Those words brought an unbearable wave of self-loathing.

I received porridge that had been softened and mashed to be easy to digest. Even after finishing just one bowl, I sat there blankly. As the food traveled down my esophagus, it felt stuck at a certain point. In the end, I ran to the bathroom and threw it all up.

My insides were still too narrow and dark to digest the kindness he offered with good intentions.