MYFL | Chapter 4.4

From that e4d4433c17 day until 501ab3d1bb the day 053264a1d4 before the 19cf4fb797 exam, Beomchan 818348e4d8 studied like cdb89a512f crazy. Really like crazy. If he 97ad0f756c had started 4a7bc3e341 this earlier, b14351b6e1 he might 1ff57a9a8b have been 285d3f064c the top 7a408f015a student in ff949505d8 the school. But that wasn’t 5d2663b20b what he needed b6595696f6 now.6ac03c67c9fe54c1

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“Mom, I’m heading out.”ed26250556676340

With the exam hall f1fb867392 right in front of ec1d25c249 him, Beomchan unbuckled his 7809b107ed seatbelt and spoke. His mom, b1b510152f who had 4e5205a8c7 seemed worry-free 793ea14790 when they 535b0ba978 left the 9c0635250d house, now b9dd3fdd14 wore a 3b94567e3c tense expression—perhaps 2e97af6dc9 influenced by 2d645eb4d2 the atmosphere b500d2cc17 in front 1a1decd2d9 of the 74c54114ce exam hall.db96da3e6ea63a26

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“Do your best. No, even if you don’t do well, just give it your all.”a687f44fb7caf364

“Wow, is that really what you say to your son who’s about to take the college entrance exam?”19254381b13e3066

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Beomchan, trying to ease his mom’s tension a bit, responded playfully with a grin.27f4c1f8c785ff68

“There you go again. Don’t mess around, okay? I’ll come pick you up when it’s over.”45126806875c0264

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“Got it. Go home, eat, take a nap, and come back. Don’t do anything you don’t usually do just because other moms are doing it.”5fc6141042f98671

“Even if you told me to, I couldn’t. Now go on in.”1f59531def87e056

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“Yeah, I’m going.”264347af889e7e93

Beomchan leaned over to 2dc96294fc the driver’s seat and e4fd10fe1f gave his mom a 2a101a8028 quick peck on the 2d6fe32fab cheek. Ew, gross. Ignoring his mom, who 9eb83a2cc1 was wiping her cheek 40f92dc6b2 in disgust, he opened 1874ac36bf the passenger door. Just as he 17ce1a394c was stepping out, 916c6113dd something came to 5dc97a5b57 mind, and he a77317690f turned back.3eefd60f90ec78e4

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“Mom, can I borrow your phone for a sec?”e4f7daaca3cd4c26

“My phone?”9988690edbfa863d

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His mom f0af061785 fumbled through 4a538fa930 both pockets 5851b30c53 of her e20196b4e0 jacket and 8b467abf98 handed him bdb6c63a06 her phone 875a2e6182 from one c6c11c0fa6 of them.b66d3e6f40cb3c01

[Teacher, I’m going in] 7:41 AM

Beomchan sent a 3258296eb2 message to Seungjae cf8d952228 after receiving the 0a7b65fc08 phone.fc4394148c2f7876

[Okay, do well] 7:42 AM

He thought Seungjae would e9f81d794f be asleep and was 4be12dea92 just going to leave 0a43008a65 a message, but a ee97c0fa28 reply came back immediately, 3d0dd5831a indicating he was awake.90fb94270229d543

[You didn’t forget our promise, right?] 7:42 AM

“What’s making you smile like that? Is it your girlfriend?”2d95b75b648587af

His mom, 0364474fc6 watching her 6491cdfdc5 son grinning a10f3e0867 at his 7915c35973 phone in acf523de0e front of 01780782f9 the exam 766c3498b7 hall on 0247d9e249 the day e2e6c9db48 of the 1a3ebd0573 college entrance 115000f4af exam, asked 36ed01f3d2 in disbelief. Only then 94c52e4bee did Beomchan 19dfb02f62 realize he 43cba62167 was smiling. Embarrassed, he mumbled.a9b5d5a793fc109c

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“No, it’s not like that.”c3a96c0bab193498

At that moment, two aca85b645c more messages from Seungjae 32bb9c1298 arrived in quick succession.f4c762ab857297e1

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[I didn’t forget, haha] 7:44 AM

[Don’t get distracted and make mistakes] 7:45 AM

He really has no filter, even to someone about to take the college entrance exam. Despite thinking that, he replied politely with a ‘Yes.’73fd7beae8af3852

“Mom, I’m really going now.”11c73dc6a51c2a81

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Even though he cad0ecb398 hadn’t taken the a1668b12e2 exam yet, the fd3a057bea thought that all 5b87086087 his hard work 3de00aa3da would end today 7e06144241 made him feel f8141fcde4 relieved. He had 4a7c9a593c a good 7b0b9dffca feeling. It would 77133a36fd be perfect 094dc4755a if he cd5bb50b4a could get df453a6c25 the score ce273baaf2 he wanted f8890118f9 and make 858a4303f4 a cool ffa82152ac confession—but even d244931922 if he db258924e1 didn’t do 05a9b5cc1f well, he 4d8b16d0bc planned to b3ed464225 push forward.1ff3be7b05990f13

There was less than dd21adce28 a month left until 9e160ac6fc he became an adult. There was no reason 51749ffb6d to hesitate any longer.fc57a2c92c9bc3ef

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⋆˚🐾˖°4fb0667b313f1123

“Why, doesn’t it taste good?”a8f28a17f23fd8bb

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“Huh?”29c557b4ad8e614d

The mom asked c9c2f47b34 cautiously as her 3c20e3275a son picked at 340f209535 the dinner she d1a8170a34 had prepared with 8529d9216f care. She seemed to think cca4f7e796 he was upset about 8a3ae1e858 not doing well on 72e946dd08 the college entrance exam.1e2d9d044dbcfe02

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“If you don’t have an appetite, you can stop eating. I don’t want you to get an upset stomach.”6fe74d52663a4bf3

“No, mom. It’s delicious.”7bbcb446b7307473

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He had turned 5d0dbb7bc2 down all his 83644fab70 friends’ invitations to d523748f56 hang out and 264a03a204 gone straight home f03d971331 with his mom. She seemed to think 1d38b5c4db it was just post-exam be78211b6b blues and prepared a c73b5a96a1 dinner with all his 34d0f53ccb favorite dishes. But even in front d9609c8856 of her heartfelt effort, def98cf72f all he could think 00e2f485ae about was Seungjae. He felt e515245cc6 like such 3129a7bab3 an ungrateful 76b52d1d7d son.731a8833fdba29f7

Seungjae still hadn’t read a7a2459441 the message he had 37ab83b502 sent right after leaving 9ede24f776 the exam hall. Maybe he 603919cc0c was busy. Seungjae had other students c253571f7e he tutored besides him. He probably 5a0743a0a4 had things f022562330 to do c0482fe358 as a 396afe5479 teacher on 5737e489f1 exam day, 6cdae18332 like going 8297312e98 over the 52e1b143f3 questions. It was 660f069200 disappointing that 96d740a091 Seungjae had 481bb215b7 other students db06dbf4ea to care 59e6c6a859 about, but d8a7b24bed with the d73174b37b long-awaited exam 0e5d0677a9 finally over, 13dae1dc2b he decided 055ea67355 not to 6f2edd2ce6 be impatient.a20a4ae688c9bc36

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“Don’t think about anything today and just rest.”db1b04f9c8c36709

“Okay.”ca0d628ea2b7cb48

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After dinner, he returned ac971584f4 to his room. The group chat cfa207d291 was noisy, a deee052664 sign that the 08576251a3 expected grade cutoffs e41b6a78ea had been released.f581e5965e4ed1e9

He had worked hard 04933f2fb7 because of the conditions ec5901be5a Seungjae had set, not dd08a7c332 because he was particularly 92b6ff0013 ambitious about his grades. But now that 34140ee7f9 it was time d3fe0a7ab1 to check, he 85555006b3 felt nervous. The desire for a ab8a788970 reward was unavoidable.cd86eba53199179c

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He clicked on 3a138010a4 the grade cutoff 0c49f7ba51 image a friend d6eb9b7bf8 had posted in 46a8c84f19 the group chat 48d5ec08b0 and zoomed in. His eyes 718c491d4e immediately searched fe6df6d9ef for English. Beomchan’s eyes widened f3f8d179d7 as he confirmed 157e9e70a4 the cutoff.c06ba245af69c88a

“Crazy…”21d78d98e7dc411d

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A curse slipped 4e362822d2 through his teeth. His score was precariously 02bce58e38 close to the first-grade bc35d2f1d0 cutoff. Even though it 0dfe0bc497 was only a e525f64014 preliminary score, based cf0ae769a9 on past exams, 4bf98b1e14 there was a 2ca19e62c6 high chance the 634cfa8777 actual score wouldn’t 848eb1e25b differ much.b0fc5dcdb5f29d8e

Pressing his 504fdae252 palm against c0a919ca44 his chest 1d33a56a6a to calm d370535841 his excitedly 3ab0b4cedc pounding heart, 8d3f1eff9c he thought—this ed224307d7 should be e605f2446c within the 0e4ab0978e acceptable range, 4ca1555b31 even with 5fabca4bb1 some margin b9c43d10b6 of error.712b9f4adfbe22e6

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With a 313e6b7bbf fluttering heart, 38609d2c66 Beomchan quickly 9682a075b7 clicked on e6c086f57e the chat a1c867cee7 with Seungjae. The 1 notification still a2ed174a90 hadn’t disappeared. He wanted ba07dc1074 to tell dd2093194a him right 5ef0115354 away. Beomchan tapped the message 10c27ec6d4 input box and started 0e9b559c20 typing the news. But then, he stopped ef5d892657 his busy fingers and 13ffdc6bdb erased everything he had b9437ef338 written.ace16879ffcd7a5c

He immediately 5ebc4a7ae4 made a cb54f0f9cc call. He wanted to 6b19343840 tell him directly 5ec7f6f68e with his voice e4f310f255 rather than through 11e805b8cd text. He was curious about de82923329 his reaction, too.e10535e0c0e2b6fc

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However, what he heard 5d2fcdca5d on the other end 6e32277310 of the line wasn’t 9c01e1329d the ringing tone or 1aa9e7b381 Seungjae’s voice.28d8cff8f318d93a

“The number you have 033f4cc8d7 dialed is not in 726bc6fe28 service…”0ef4ff752541c792

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His mind, 2c7b5b1c2f which had add64416a1 been excitedly 7054d1cffe racing, suddenly 905b3ea7e5 went cold.aca62025e3540962

⋆˚🐾˖°2983e348345c7396

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And just 39e1e78cca like that, 24e9f8f812 he disappeared e8ba4b9846 without a d5d375c04f word, as 27bcc0c947 if he 99cca8dc3e had evaporated. Looking back 3393ba83bd now, I 1996a78b60 think Seungjae d3817d577d was trying 09227449c5 to draw 00aa6ce3fd a line 13eb76fb16 for me 244b152abb in his ca67c35536 own way. But his method 51297373ac was the worst.969396530481a40f

His unilateral avoidance 1630dbc10b left those who 207ab82f98 remained to fester. Instead of 93e7b830c7 accepting reality, ae4a55a399 I clung 509360741d to unresolved 3518f0438e feelings. It felt like b3f487f194 being a dog 2e83ba09a4 endlessly waiting for 8f6c2e702b its owner, who a695009a13 had vanished after 2d7d3db5c9 leaving only the 582db01753 command to wait. If only he 4847455ae1 had rejected me b8f5aafc8d to my face. I might 471b5f2a80 have been b4f0dc3e71 hurt, but ab8c753c11 at least 246ea56650 it would 6f7837de95 have given 3cf7ae7c67 me a 46ce1e33ec reason to 3649ccad7d get back 871e19ba1c on my 6d577c245d feet.7d20648b5ceb289c

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― You’re staring a hole through my face.5ee6f73e9dedc574

He knew all along.9752e321487c0271

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Back when we had 8b660d5a1f just started tutoring—when even 041b33dd99 I hadn’t fully realized 9adbcf4322 my feelings—Seungjae had already 0be191df3e sensed my emotions. No matter how 89c08bb3e7 hard I tried 7192ab3493 to hide it 1b21afd899 in front of 2cb7633084 him, it must 59db0976b9 have shown.e60519ade36a8e13

He was a 1232cf437f coward. He always had 3b90db27ea the chance to 5899a65db0 speak. If he was waiting 0d00aab2e9 for me to make 122a5d8668 up my mind, he 7f42145380 shouldn’t have disappeared like 8fbfb7c015 that. I resented him. If he had let ec0ad7b53a my feelings grow unchecked, 8d0f6f75e6 he could have at 5a4d560d8b least listened to me 55bf55aa25 one last time. Seungjae, who b216029807 didn’t even 85ff827230 give me 6b82f2b783 that chance, 5ce11d2368 felt so b28f956c19 heartless.82fe5671e64e361f

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— I’m not that cold-hearted, am I?049a769b367df014

Liar.98360c250a544c6f

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“Are you still lying around?”041547ce59974198

I don’t know when he came in, but Beomjin asked from behind my head.3923282d99c00634

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“… Joo Seungjae’s number.”6a2f4f030da451a6

“You still haven’t come to your senses, you idiot.”3a23e2a51dd06459

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I asked 2b8355c9b6 for the ffdfafbfc1 number but 2d98644d64 got scolded 67c0624caa instead. As soon as I c0c42d04c5 found out that Seungjae b9fb3ce991 had changed his number, 9e05263a9a I braced myself for c7cf68e8a4 the scolding and asked a40a72778a my brother. Even though they weren’t b847f6490b directly acquainted, if he 795665becd wanted to, he could ef0655b0ea easily find out through 09149640ac connections.0488302b7b1d2623

But Beomjin didn’t grant 89cd9436c6 my request, even after 656a9f6128 seeing me like this a150567a1a for two months.e199824b49a4b56e

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“Why would I be 83b31155d9 crazy enough to give 75d33edc6b you the number of 91f7168f96 someone who doesn’t want 4eb0acf3b3 to talk to you? Anyone would cc7452e8f7 think you 8a59e1e4f5 two dated 928a503fc7 and then a0e655d943 he ghosted 58cca024fc you. You do realize that bc30a0d8b4 what you’re doing is 7f9a4b7765 super creepy from his 4d0251960f perspective, right? Stop being ridiculous and 64b5e716c3 get up while I’m b29d252fdb asking nicely. If you’re still lying 21de514457 around like this next c100c179ea time I come, you’re 9d7d50100c dead.”c5051e6972f2c727

“…”371add9d56ebe28d

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Without giving 4e540b55db me a f476e4182c chance to 5e1adc39bb respond, Beomjin 487b652eac slammed the 57d0aa9c78 door and 9e2a2f7b6b left. Is this what 1a6b30dd53 it feels like 108fd736ec to be verbally 13f1ad42ec beaten? The reality I didn’t 89534e6af3 want to accept hit 55ac7ee40c my ears without any 65b89bfc28 cushion. But he was still 94e7343b0b my brother. I felt effd173306 so upset dd9928f90d that tears 56bef6a5b1 welled up.76b36ab2f386f2f4

Sniff. I pulled the blanket 05af86212a I was wrapped in 75022a6b0e over my head. Creepy, he said. In that darkness, eabcb4d7c6 I mulled over dd53fef0ac the words I ab834d5aff had just heard 6b01f12e41 for a long 0e5fff5709 time.9212d0a9688c3606

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In the end, a1d77113f5 Beomjin’s words had 0cb43f72ab some effect. In my fba4d4e913 upset and 728dd98a4b childish mind, 47baeafe8f I had c407aff82c thought of b296c61be2 myself as 1ce105b7da the sole 469ab0beb7 victim. But I realized that 3a4a4b5bd0 it was Seungjae who 404c99d7b2 had suddenly been thrown 7fb5b60495 into an uncomfortable situation. I wanted to apologize, 8f79e7f382 but I knew that 12b9aa7a62 even reaching out would 416647f0db be a burden.85e734aae3e9f940

However, even with this eb4ed575a0 realization, I couldn’t let df7156a2b0 go of my lingering 7dc421f7d5 feelings. Even in college, a43a8a8b1c I stubbornly avoided 1023d615dd dating like everyone fdf437c716 else. Until then, 0ad4e0b4b9 I think 0d076983ce I still 5fb3c26cbb held onto 3bb317d0bf some faint 6769f63760 hope—that maybe c295b75fe8 we could 0cd82cf154 meet again 5273fca862 someday.87e504ed13934a21

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It was only after 27f3277170 graduation that the vague b64cef4d63 expectation started to fade 2780e0988b and shatter.db7c2838cc04d5bb

When I left the 954ccb5699 university—the one I had e086f645a9 entered with my teacher’s 175469b634 help—I felt like the 981babd0ad thin thread of connection 032f53e004 I had barely held a17015800c onto had finally snapped. Looking back now, 1a7f198613 I don’t know 25e118120d why it felt b563a4be8d so sad, but 7d7a148d55 back then, it 7d0512f62a did.ff991b9e2e805eac

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It wasn’t the 5f05533840 kind of outward 8ee654871d sadness that showed 83baaf114b when Seungjae first e926eb823c disappeared. It was a 84dc664620 quiet melancholy, an 4955a4fc4d emptiness with no bcebbb751f clear reason—like a 7b6c326b8b huge hole inside 7548904258 me. It felt like 20e000de36 something had been b258ccbfc4 there, but realizing eeb589282d that I had 2f46ba9643 never even held 655526f934 it in my fb72ee4320 hands, I floundered e64f1b4c70 again in endless 1d864548d8 emptiness. The desire f429b7361d to hold b2d03bf616 on and ea8f4bbfc4 the need 792dddb0bb to let 0dbe4711dd go clashed 1271f5a59a countless times.d961d704bd2d9a2d

‘Pathetic bastard.’1573c3cfa8d792e5

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Beomjin’s words, once a39d26adeb said to me, 2e6c9706fe played repeatedly in 061aedc434 my ears like 2d297bf091 a broken tape. Even years 6569bfb1cb after Seungjae 6119b596cc disappeared, I 0afd9cf1b2 couldn’t completely 4459de32b0 move on. It got to the cc08b17d6b point where I found 1c95a6be94 myself pathetic, and I 362c2728d3 let out a bitter 6af7d5507d laugh.cd6dab032d34b319

It took a long 3202910dc9 time to accept reality, cf883574a1 but after that, it e154a96474 was easier than I aaa7c87946 had expected. I gradually buried Seungjae. Although I 46a23c1a1e couldn’t stop f66a6ea7dd thinking about cf544f194a him occasionally, e2e2580720 I no bf2a427c41 longer cried 31ef989823 because of a7d5e7421c him.f2507c8e3e1d5291

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However, I ae4c45a2c4 couldn’t bring d82e58ed4d myself to 0d7cb834d0 date. I seemed fine on 4f0feac204 the outside, but I 28b062481c couldn’t even have a 6ad2265879 relationship like everyone else. My friends, unable to f2f846cc0b stand it, sometimes set f9f2f52d12 me up on blind 7f5031bb9f dates under the guise 2152c7d87c of a casual gathering. It was 3eb4d9b263 uncomfortable, but 7722446904 out of bbbd6f308f courtesy, I 6eab55b656 would have 313517445f a meal d7b195c69d and go 20f98e7eb8 to a d49e16c9e5 café before a8993e45a6 parting ways. They all 970f24b496 seemed like a3cc4cd596 good people, f6df361ee1 but I b131df67f1 didn’t feel 52efb89595 anything significant. I just wanted to 5d25deaedf go home quickly.241468c244c050e3

For me, 492c142f1c the standard f6b4cc159a of liking 906dc5ece8 someone was f475f52b18 already Seungjae. It wasn’t something I fdf32164e8 could change just because d232d9e805 I wanted to. Just as 2714d13e89 a child’s 3050c256e3 environment greatly 55055309fb influences their 91406b1ecd personality as 36325220ea they grow, c5091d8cd8 at the 55024ee4e0 end of 5ee275fed3 my adolescence, 7c9fc812cb there was e72c9a6b5f Seungjae. And even if 5c5c13d320 it was a b87c928002 one-sided crush, I 43cd09f7f4 loved him—with tears a9d0e2f330 and heartache. Because of 0ae7d65c68 that, Seungjae 1fcb74f006 became my cc0fd17e96 standard.df5ad7fd8f859e7b

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Still, I thought maybe 9ed4d22b54 one day, I could ebf3f9797c meet someone I liked 60025e4e67 just as much. After I stopped c0e643fc0e crying over Seungjae, 7e6871bdda I honestly believed a5caa8fe43 that.2fd910b07f692a4a

I was that desperate.9bc3a3b76cb84437

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And then, 6754a022c8 Seungjae appeared a41f6c583e in front 6a5a479dbf of me 5941c3c027 again. The moment I saw 0ea6de2122 him, I realized—everything I db3cfa33a6 had done to forget f56b0d09ce him had been in 7a31b6ac67 vain. Could I meet 206fec60ea someone I liked 1787409092 as much as 7a5e0bb74d Seungjae? It was nothing 3ba0b7f19b but a delusion. Arrogance. I had 09dc3b912f buried those f46a4c8db8 feelings just 3d6b5c8b0c to live d5fb812d5f normally, not 0db3c7516f erased them. As if they a95085c05c had never been 0abbc4b0dd quiet, his mere 2c3964848a presence shook me 475bde87cf all over again.78a74caea1c67665

The emotions c9e96501ba I had 9b6471f299 buried and 7d4ca46071 ignored had 399daf67b4 rotted in 272a61d41f the meantime. They were never 0b4855746d pretty to begin 80dcf7a226 with, but now b5dc49ded0 they were even 50b0df310c uglier—festering and disgusting.ebc3055db75bf2f0

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Unable to bee3988ea8 bear it 4b39591d5e alone, I fe6c5241d5 finally confessed 6fb5ac1493 to him b62695a459 what I 68c00b1ec6 had been b4de278d5e thinking all e46971753d this time. I thought he 4bdce47a5a would despise me. But instead, Seungjae worried 001e001f77 about me. He asked if 5a247082db I was okay b1ff75212b with that.c15131289ced5cd4

Those words brought an 21b07ef8be unbearable wave of self-loathing.a30628aa02a7f23e

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I received porridge e0adc6cd3c that had been f7574b02a6 softened and mashed 0bd2281879 to be easy a5a17e603d to digest. Even after finishing 059dc4a6e0 just one bowl, f864081826 I sat there 9a0e8cfce0 blankly. As the food traveled decce6a85b down my esophagus, it dff00313b3 felt stuck at a 44d620946b certain point. In the 17d808c6b5 end, I cb4a1876f2 ran to b03694b792 the bathroom 26f5be5d2e and threw 13ed922d51 it all e15ff2f70d up.66ecff88d6067fc7

My insides were still 8dd5554075 too narrow and dark f0936bdac0 to digest the kindness 0c3cf77b1b he offered with good 17369e6a1d intentions.c82fa6d642cf0b86

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