MYFL | Chapter 4.3

Unrequited love for someone who doesn’t see you as a romantic interest inevitably brings moments of misery. But Beomchan knew—if it weren’t for this, they wouldn’t have gotten this close or hugged like this.

Seungjae’s hand slowly and rhythmically patted his back. Between his childlike sobs, Seungjae’s soothing voice blended in. He was angry, upset, and filled with regret and disappointment. Burying his head in Seungjae’s shoulder, he held on for a long time.

Later, Beomchan thought that maybe the reason Seungjae had gotten hit was because of him. It had happened right after he had played around with pheromones. Beomchan hadn’t intended it that way, nor did he have the experience to calculate such actions—so he couldn’t have known.

After Seungjae disappeared from his sight, he kept thinking and rethinking what had happened between them. Then, suddenly, he wondered if it was because of him. Even if he hadn’t known, a mistake was still a mistake.

However, Seungjae never blamed him for it that day.

⋆˚🐾˖°

I was so furious that Seungjae had gotten hit. But was I secretly hoping for him to break up with his lover?

I dreamt of Seungjae again.

Of course, it wasn’t the first time. The difference from previous dreams was that instead of just watching, I was now involved.

When I had to watch Seungjae being close with someone else from afar, I was just angry. But now that I was the one involved, I felt guilty. Yet, at the same time, a part of me felt like a dark desire that had been lurking in my heart was being fulfilled.

And then I felt guilty again.

Thanks to that, even after waking up, I had to spend quite a while feeling down.

Seungjae always brought coffee to class. Except for the first class, it was always takeout coffee from the same café. It wasn’t from a common franchise. It was a place I hadn’t seen before, so after he left, I looked it up and found out it was a private café near a university hospital.

Does he live around there?

“Shall we call it a day?”

He had a habit of always leaving a sip or two, and that day was no different.

It was a late summer afternoon, and the guilt from the morning still hadn’t faded. It was right after vacation had ended, and I was secretly dissatisfied with the reduced number of tutoring sessions. I felt like I was missing Seungjae.

Missing him.

As if he had ever been mine in the first place.

It was just a regular tutoring session, but I arrogantly felt like I was missing a part of him.

“See you next Wednesday. Don’t forget your homework.”

As Seungjae was about to leave through the front door, he suddenly turned back with an, “Ah.”

“I left my coffee.”

“I’ll throw it away for you.”

“Would you? Thanks. I’m off.”

The front door closed.

Returning to the room, I touched the coffee cup Seungjae had left behind. Every time I moved my hand, the remaining sip of coffee inside swayed. Watching that movement, I impulsively picked up the cup.

It was impulsive. I put my lips to the coffee he had left. The bitter Americano swept through my mouth and down my throat. My Adam’s apple moved slowly up and down. I took another sip, rolling it around my tongue, spreading it over the soft mucous membrane before swallowing.

Looking down at the empty cup, I glanced toward the front door.

What if he suddenly came back to check the cup he left behind? What if he had left it on purpose—to test me?

Even though I knew it wasn’t true, a guilty mind always imagines the worst-case scenario.

I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop. My heart was pounding. I hurried to the kitchen and shoved the cup into the trash can.

That night, I had a fever.

It was a rut.

Was it punishment for trying to pretend nothing had happened—just because only I knew?

It was supposed to come two months later. My cycle wasn’t stable yet, so it was common for it to be a bit early or late, but it had never been this off before.

The suppressants didn’t work either. Suppressants were usually used to calm symptoms for most people, but not for me. I wasn’t the type they worked well on, but I still took them to hold onto a thread of rationality. However, this time, for some reason, they didn’t work at all.

Experiencing rut symptoms with a clear mind was more painful than I had imagined. The unresolved thirst made all my senses hypersensitive. Just brushing against the blanket made my skin flush, and once the fever rose, it wouldn’t go down.

It felt like my brain was boiling. The constantly rising desire kept provoking me, urging me outside. I buried my head in the pillow, groaning, and when that wasn’t enough, I banged my head against the wall.

I couldn’t sleep or eat properly. Of course, I had to cancel the tutoring session. Even though I knew I couldn’t possibly attend a tutoring session in this state, I had never wanted him as desperately as I did now. I heard my mom outside the door calling Seungjae to ask for his understanding, and I desperately resisted the urge to burst out and interrupt her.

Even while suffering from a high fever, all I could think about was Seungjae. I was so busy using the last bit of my sanity to hold back my impulses that I let my desires run wild.

Even though I felt guilty, I couldn’t stop. In my chaotic mind, Seungjae was both the person I had seen in a dream once and the person I wanted him to be. On the day I first met him, I imagined myself as the guy who kissed him in the alley, and during tutoring, I imagined secretly exchanging touches under the desk.

Then, unable to stop there, I imagined us tangled on the bed right behind me or visiting Seungjae’s house, which I had never been to. I imagined his hands touching every corner of my body, kissing me with a gentle face, and responding to my touch with his voice.

I recalled the white skin he teasingly showed me on a summer day when he wore short sleeves. I imagined marking that fair skin like a canvas. Seungjae would accept me with a smile, not scolding me for being jealous of the guys who had rolled around with him.

The more I imagined, the more the tickling sensation inside me grew. The itch that couldn’t be relieved turned into pleasure, and I trembled with a burning sensation that felt like it would explode at any moment. I’d never done drugs, but I wondered if this feeling was similar. It was a dangerous thought.

I couldn’t hold back any longer. My parents were outside. I thought a sound might escape, but I couldn’t afford to worry about every little thing when my current situation was more urgent. No, it even felt stimulating. Was I going crazy?

I lowered my hand. A moan, boiling with heat, burst from deep in my throat. My lower abdomen, tense with excitement, twisted. Beomchan glared at the door with eyes flushed red.

I imagined Seungjae coming through that door. Even in this disgraceful state, the need for him pushed aside any sense of shame. I even wanted him to see—to see who I was imagining while doing this. At that moment, the muscles in my thighs tensed up. Beomchan curled up and groaned in agony.

Even after repeating it several times, my desire wasn’t satisfied; the thirst only grew stronger. They say hallucinations can occur with a high fever. Somehow, Seungjae’s absence became more vivid. The fact that he wasn’t beside me was so clear that it only amplified the emptiness.

Veins stood out on my neck, and my ears felt muffled as if submerged in water. All I could hear was the sound of the bed springs, raw, unrefined moans, and then—

“Beomchan-ah.”

It wasn’t enough. Beomchan staggered as he got up. Instinctively, he headed to the desk, searching for Seungjae’s scent. With impatient hands, he rummaged through workbooks and notes.

He grabbed whatever he could and buried his nose in it. No, this isn’t it either. Then he reached for the pen that Seungjae often borrowed. He gripped it tightly as if it would break and inhaled the scent. Faintly, he could sense Seungjae’s pheromones.

He imagined how the people who had met him might have embraced him.

And then he looked down at his pathetic self.

He no longer felt guilty.

⋆˚🐾˖°

The day after the retreat ended, Beomchan made a decision. He would confess after the college entrance exam. He had vaguely thought, I’ll do it someday, but going through the retreat made him realize he couldn’t hold back any longer.

There was only a month left until the exam, and once that was over, graduation would come quickly too. He could wait until he was completely out of his school uniform to confess, but there was no guarantee that Seungjae wouldn’t find another partner in the meantime.

Of course, he didn’t expect Seungjae to accept his confession right away—he wasn’t that clueless. Still, he wanted to let him know. He hoped Seungjae would see some possibility in him. That would be the beginning.

Beomchan reviewed the mock exam paper he had finished within the time limit. Soon, the timer on Seungjae’s phone went off. Seungjae reached out and collected the papers.

Beomchan realized how much his English skills had improved. At the beginning of the lessons, the alarm would often ring with a pile of unanswered questions left, but now he could finish and even review them! Even if the reason for this improvement was his dark feelings, he couldn’t help but feel proud.

Beomchan put down the pen he had been twirling in his hand. He looked at Seungjae’s slender fingers as he diligently graded the papers in front of him. When they first started tutoring, they had to sit side by side due to the lack of a proper desk, which was nice—but he preferred sitting face to face like now. He could look at him as much as he wanted without having to sneak glances.

“Teacher.”

Beomchan called out to Seungjae. At his call, Seungjae stopped what he was doing and looked up.

“Please buy me something delicious after the exam. Outside.”

It was the first time Beomchan had asked Seungjae for something. And it was to buy him a meal. Seungjae looked at him with a doubtful gaze at the unusual request, then responded playfully.

“Why are you so nervous saying that? Are you asking me out on a date?”

Beomchan’s face showed surprise at being hit right on the mark. But only for a moment, as he quickly composed his expression. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to deny it and hurriedly added.

“I have something to tell you.”

“Isn’t it usually the person who has something to say who pays?”

“Would you prefer that? Then I’ll do that. I thought you wouldn’t like it.”

Of course, he wanted to treat him. But knowing Seungjae’s personality, he probably wouldn’t let that happen. Rather than making him avoid it by feeling burdened, Beomchan had his own strategy to use his young age as a weapon to seize the opportunity.

Seungjae squinted his eyes, looking at Beomchan as if surprised, then burst into a short laugh and said,

“You know me too well, huh? Don’t make me out to be some shameless guy who lets a kid who hasn’t even graduated treat him.”

He always took the chance to treat him like a kid whenever he could. But graduation wasn’t that far off.

“Instead, there’s a condition.”

“A condition? What is it?”

“Get a first grade.”

”…Just say you don’t want to buy it for me.”

Beomchan’s excited voice suddenly dropped. Seungjae laughed loudly as if he found it amusing. There was no one as mean as him. After laughing for a while in front of the troubled Beomchan, he finally tried to persuade him.

“Why, you’re getting second grade in mock exams now, right? Use it as motivation. Who knows if you work hard? I’m not that cold-hearted, you know?”

Did he mean that if he worked hard, he would make time for him even if he didn’t get the grade?

Even if he was dissatisfied with the condition Seungjae set, what could he do? He was the one who wanted more in this relationship.

“…Okay. You have to keep your promise.”