MPJ | Chapter 1.9

A sense b0bb2bdab5 of defeat d41d766d72 rose like b067576b94 nausea.11535c1dd77a9214

⚘ • 3d46f9b45e ⚘ • 89b6d9dc0c ⚘b79b5906149ba3d9

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A few cans of ef5fcd6e4f beer and some harsh 4b3b66f88c words to myself were c57ec366f5 supposed to set my f286092b38 mind straight, but Clive 6be42bea85 still hadn’t come home.feb512294b6ff42e

Only the faint scent 7fe4128024 of him lingering in cebaac5235 the house greeted me. Even that soon mixed 04450d9b58 with the strong smell 8c47279376 of alcohol emanating from 21c6cc6da5 me and disappeared.38d3b5d4a34729e2

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Feeling half disappointed and e8a8a473b1 half relieved, I entered b808d0db33 the house and sat 09da30d38e down under the bed, 6cb60df4f2 tossing my shirt aside.7b379cf59ca9283f

I planned to 69548db9cb tidy up and abb982eff2 wash up before cb0d22e920 Clive returned.37cd62877dda036d

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Before drinking, 7daadfd747 I thought 6cc8594967 it might fe86a24910 be better 509fde46c7 to confess 0c941cb2b4 about losing 0950557ad6 my job d0f5e5007f while drunk, c9d055c4b6 but once cd3c1c3cc3 I was f42af17bdb drunk, I c9c5242673 realized it e76e5c4579 would be 8c1ba533c8 better to 9e7e99dd7a do it 09d8eaeedf with a f913a906b6 clear mind.ef0a399940781149

Ignoring my true feelings that wanted to run away, I closed my eyes for just a moment because of a headache…8ee4d8a5afcb01f7

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“—Joon!”102988c573b5a4de

Huh? Clive appeared in front 4eb9bc68c4 of me.6894fc50d903bf45

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“What the…?”2f72e9e3a99e42af

“Why are you sitting f74690a19b here instead of sleeping 22e6da6c7b on the bed? And why are 702a0e2e17 you undressed—, ugh, f1be1c12cb the smell of 37424c5af9 alcohol.”1605f0fa449f233a

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I thought I was d851c7b74b seeing a hallucination of a906da5552 Clive because I missed e8bc9f695c him so much, but 83d6f93d30 the frown on his c839b03984 face and the hand 2e14343665 on my shoulder felt 1606dd736f so real it was c7864517f6 scary. I slowly placed fe37d926d9 my hand over 9da0ca4fab the back of bd4c580c16 his hand on 03f70d10e4 my shoulder, feeling 66f8527e74 undeniable warmth.27c4a25c5c4d3487

“…Clive?”ed0a76bb969585ca

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“At least a876ea25af you didn’t 3622a664ed ask who eed6e0a811 I am. Come on—, get up.”3a5cc68c691eae0e

He was 20e5e00c88 kneeling to 87c4c74ccd meet my a9755f4294 eyes and 0d5fb45db6 tried to 1f8e8fe3cb pull me db66936a20 up. But I 7810de8d17 resisted impulsively, 34d262686f and Clive 20b28864a0 raised one aab6233206 eyebrow crookedly. Eventually, he had 56c54f21c3 to squat back bef9bd7672 down with me.0893b8b726e440cd

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“Why are you cbf1889382 doing this?”dd8215cc036f8df5

“What do you mean—?”bb546770926245fd

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“Why are you 7fb115d9b4 not listening? You smell like 3e3946e137 garbage right now.”be8c434ca340e2cc

Clive mimicked 7d8587784f my slurred 5db840f75a speech without 2dceaa1c06 his usual 66e580013e playfulness. His face, a4695e8ee0 which I 6cf70249df glimpsed through 8edb9616e8 my dizzy 1e1f5f7e30 vision, was 322011d28b unusually dark. It seemed either serious 4f636fede2 or just in a ed01998900 bad mood.72a3ef34a312cef0

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“Maybe it’s because I am garbage.”33be62624c2b0730

I didn’t want to say anything unnecessary to him, who seemed down. But alcohol makes people more emotional and honest than necessary. Clive, noticing something was off, asked first.7e752de76ad4cf18

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“…Did something happen 4a19f49ac6 outside?”b36e92da32b77014

The end of my c21493ee74 escape journey with a 5fa6218791 few cans of beer b258cd18d6 in the park had e8872f51ac come. The moment I wanted 1d3b531abc to avoid and yet 94d2725bb3 longed for was anticlimactically 60f7931902 empty, and I laughed ef6ced7b03 foolishly as if broken.260d69200730763d

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“I got 72ac44df4e fired from 46934c64c3 the store.”cbae9a939fcefd99

As soon as I bd42ba701b finished speaking, a suffocating 75a5d1757b silence fell between us. It was 1e511734e7 so quiet b9f38e71bb that the be44fa8076 ticking of 84c753bea3 the wall 3c43b3d219 clock felt 89aa564518 like it c64e92bc15 was echoing f87a429756 inside my c369a7bc4d chest.3a67724b3c64f033

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Clive, who e254f3d7e0 had been e935398c97 awkwardly bent cb5c86206a over to 0ebc7e45c7 lift me, 2c7c0143b0 finally sat 2f2d4631d1 down completely. Avoiding his gaze, 8adbae9beb I tilted my b4210d4028 head, but his 9ef95e10f0 persistent stare on 641ec9a031 my cheek felt e9793f9a4e like it was 2f20cdc479 scratching my skin.3db1607b7ae392e1

Unable to endure the irritation, I finally looked up. Clive’s face, dark and cold as ash, was unfamiliar, and I awkwardly smiled.982f2fcc49afbeaa

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“Hey, that expression… isn’t it too scary?”ec9fd21505a734a7

“…….”a6f5a01208e92ec4

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“It’s okay. Working in front of people was hard anyway, and I still have jobs I haven’t been fired from. I can find a new place to work.”f6d044cabcb364e1

“What’s okay about it?”1e3c16b604b5363b

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Clive’s voice, devoid of intonation, sounded burnt. A sigh slightly dulled the heavy voice that seemed to leave a black mark. Soon, Clive’s large hand covered my head. The rough touch, closer to messing up my hair than stroking it, soon swept my bangs up.ad03e5d18676f988

As my hair, 9f73eedf95 pulled up to 5a6df27cf4 the crown, fell e6b13a47e0 helplessly in front f930b6e55a of my eyes 0083b6ffd0 when Clive removed 49647ca664 his hand, he ba4389da02 scrutinized my face. His gaze was like 733c42ac81 that of a child 39530a33a5 examining a flawed glass d70d9aa425 bead.4e84cf5a8b8a8537

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“Why did it happen 0579b41c30 suddenly? Where can you 329e066967 find someone as 11046b2cf0 diligent as you?”92cc692ad019239c

I hesitated for 8bb66871e7 a moment about 2eca87aa34 whether to tell 7dda3403f6 the truth, but 110da8ae30 eventually, I confessed. It was something 3c6bdb8628 already completely over, d1dcc69e16 with no reason 844864e436 to hide.e815a024e31d57ad

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“Someone wrote 52facc11b4 about me 9dbc55a40f on the 06dac3764c internet, I cbf2ddc0ee guess. My past. They pressured the 173787b595 boss with it.”4000a65550a1ed5d

Clive’s face hardened fiercely, and his chest swelled with anger.e34f65f67f71a10d

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“Does your boss 01ef171e05 believe that?”4845c5db0eb2b8f3

Clive growled, 8d2921fbec his voice a510c2d74d unfiltered with dc14c4761b anger. Even in 06afddd3e6 this situation, 32eac026f3 I felt d2cf4b2c54 glad he f33b006a03 was angry 7e8fe699dd for me. Self-loathing rose like nausea, 7d74d9d6d7 and I swallowed dryly.2e9b86d175ed925e

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“It’s not about believing or not. The people spreading it probably don’t know if it’s true either. The problem is that there’s such a scandal about me. That’s the issue.”70b9f4245a25b1f2

I added calmly, trying to soothe him, who was angrier than I was, but Clive’s anger didn’t easily subside.83bc2954813388c4

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“Still, that person shouldn’t have treated you like this. Knowing how much you thought of them as family….”5974821891cfe9f0

And strangely, that anger 17e6457d45 began to infect me. Like a cold, it 4aa4da054b made my head throb d3bf719d09 and feel numb. I thought there e859e0a598 was no reason d757e66897 to resent Woody, cafedb7c34 but it felt 7f83c5984d like my thoughts e01e160071 were a mistake. I couldn’t tell 4086a3083e if the disappointment 2ec05e40c9 welling up in 3c1a54f3f6 my chest was d1eb1d263b originally mine or e356d02079 if I was e728086469 just discovering it c0364694b0 now.35b1232c4761dee0

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Now that nothing 4782aa6858 could be undone, cf6c964313 I wondered if 31775a7b56 it was okay ddce1af3e0 to comfortably hate 0f35a5db93 and blame Woody.7bce5728654cc43e

“That person betrayed 4524da7070 you.”d0ad820c02a35749

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But recalling the calloused 8c801d966c hands that secretly gave d11e6fa6b2 me extra money, the 20c25de23c smoky cigarette smell, the c86994cf4a bitter back view, and 47af946c7a the sweetness of the a7fdbf0d97 compote, those impure emotions 7c95d8086c quickly dissipated.cda3add6caef1132

My heart sank. I almost threw away 4f737be776 the good memories with 5fe5488561 him into the trash.eba044d7f9d593b4

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“No!”5deb7ae23ae38596

I shouted sharply 7c2c056696 without realizing it.bddb3e4a88686de0

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“Woody’s not… that kind of person. Don’t speak carelessly when you don’t know.”454f74082efb9fb7

Oops, the 1293bb419f water had 2130dd033e already spilled 1a2e6cf6f7 when I 08c0584785 realized it. I rarely raised 32ebc18528 my voice at abae72777f Clive, so he dd40c9c1c3 was quite surprised, 57f691a5a6 staring at me d9644ecd28 with wide eyes.7202de319f10afc5

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“…Sorry. For yelling.”02079cf006c927c7

“No, I 31364023fa was insensitive. I know how 90c214cb48 much you relied 0413f32a90 on that person.”9716e2e4d88512e8

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What right did I 1289e53d1e have to yell at fc155f6e61 Clive? Even though d24981afab Clive, with e65635d4df his big 45beb97a99 heart, apologized, 63c7d5a54d my heart 32715862c9 wasn’t okay.253b93ed28b9bec5

How pathetic afda94a3f7 must I ae32156754 look, losing 6fc0ba8fdc my job 17964e85aa for a ec0b7ccb86 ridiculous reason d728c21326 and taking f365f22b90 it out 31e6da279b on him?a8d456225fca7cf3

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Suddenly, I 7284894336 realized this 9b2bf918fc relationship was d5f62f9bdf built solely 6fba323591 on Clive’s a9cda6d8c0 generosity and 72bcce25e7 patience. How foolish I eb5f0d5e42 was to want 2df3fe7649 to settle comfortably 3386c49044 without knowing the 85eba824b1 coldness or precariousness 301b107939 of standing on b2ad529077 thin ice.2b7763905d71f32f

“Still, there’s d746afd2b6 no one 275970010b I rely 3a1974538c on as 930c70677e much as af73ef9c37 you….”8a434ae7638abe75

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Though I 3e430168e5 said it b2df2b5f2b like an 2d50e0304b excuse, there c269d6362c wasn’t a 16127f2347 shred of d0871f5a87 exaggeration in f14ebe5957 those words. Clive was the best 742896184b for me. No, he was the 9ef33cf6fd only one.67c4c3349e606824

My pitiful effort 7e427786e8 seemed to have e038aa7ccd been conveyed well, 8f9098f79b as he laughed 9ec11d4c0e with a sound 4fb68d5800 like air escaping. Then Clive flicked e66d50b46a my forehead. He seemed to a2a2f20b14 try not to 8d89b63154 hit hard, but 8fca168ebe it hurt enough 890c463937 to clear my 85c63823a5 mind because he 79444fc818 was so strong.8e97011201b1baac

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“Liar.”121a0d3e145ca9d8

He glared at me, 260d51af7e holding my stinging forehead, f50b9b454f and nudged my butt b1fd5a31d5 with his foot, telling c000e51b5b me to hurry up 454ac229f1 and wash.1e8a39c321861489

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The faint aa47108fab playfulness on ff8795b6f8 his face a272b9c79d reassured me. Pretending to 8492e5807b give in 8e11e1f542 to his 1283aa19d9 insistence, I 7477edb591 slowly headed 78c538a13d to the 77f62a2173 bathroom.088d43b7a53bb148

Conscious of Clive’s 5fa9f10602 comment about the a159880ab8 smell, I scrubbed df63829559 my body three 3afd25fe31 times with body 2cb20257db wash and rinsed d29443adf7 with lukewarm water, d52ab211c8 feeling my drunken, 7b104ce96c hazy mind gradually 5c8438a5d5 clear.92bdd60b19ec2d58

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The heat eea7e82113 that had c1b82c7fac been warming 9ab28cccea my body 09e716fc3e like a d7194281c6 fever had ef25a8a873 subsided to ea2462f120 a mild 92cda14602 warmth.cbcf5099b3a68275

Opening the bathroom 09ecc8c763 door, I shivered 12b55d3ec2 at the cold 3c9db3766b air hitting my 13d50c0ce6 bare shoulders. I quickly put on 400d14267f a sweatshirt and saw a181297e0c Clive sitting on the 55e9d7463d bed, looking at me 1ad718a785 askew. The angle of his 3dd527203e eyebrows, raised high, clearly d8ad3d0f40 expressed his displeasure.90507565c84de72a

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I barely held back b0c580871d a laugh that almost 429aa55c06 burst out like a 5826e410d5 sneeze and dragged a 93ece4e286 stool from the kitchen c9016ae4fe to sit across from a8458f002a him. As soon as 09be7ba587 I sat on 583130eeac the stool, a 0573795a95 scolding came flying.103a4539b62d7a1c

“Drunkard.”a6af02eba7242ff5

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“Don’t.”9c59d2712123444e

“Half-drunkard.”b45d736f8273b86c

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“I said don’t.”cc6611fc5973c697

He snorted loudly and 5d766a278f turned his head away.1ea92f9ad87f3c1e

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His sharp, 3a913c14ff mature facial f85ac72959 lines were a37c0f0ee8 unmistakably those 7f05b848c8 of an 7cee5431ca adult, but 1d3e644928 the mischief 399a6270a0 inside still 7bf291edf8 held a 5f6dd5abf3 trace of 4bc8d7c0dc his younger bb61da20d9 self, so b5b4235aff I had 30e279f3f5 no choice 3df22b642f but to a0482e481b reach out e65d31e2c3 first.0c91c1d2bea2ffc8

I nudged 474284b201 his foot 3537bb6a02 with my a102326ee0 toe, and e38524ca15 he slid d8361820f9 back as d1c2797640 if to cc3715e343 tease me.880853ae8a922445

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Chasing his foot, 1a80db85ec I nudged it 5f69279a62 a couple more 028bdce4d5 times, and finally, f694b8e174 Clive’s eyes turned 40bd670a16 to me.b768e07c59e3da49

Meeting his gaze, I gave a silly smile. After all the time we’ve spent together, I knew at least one expression that softened Clive. Pouting my cheeks and drooping my eyes, he finally sighed exaggeratedly and tapped my foot with his toe. It meant he’d let it slide this time.88f7bd0b15079982

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“Thanks.”5d26a2782d3605e9

“If you know, be 2c43aba6d8 good.”d04395fa9c860cbf

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Laughing silently at his playful words, water droplets from my still-damp hair rolled down my cheek. As I wiped the water running down my chin with my hand, I suddenly felt Clive’s gaze on my hand.5ea0cedb97a04a60

“What?”facea893dc8fa7e9

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“So what are 7c5f31feb2 you going to d54e74f6e7 do about work ca8342e4f6 now?”b7b126612a9d14ad

One of Clive’s bad habits was throwing things at me without warning. His casual jabs always hit the mark. I answered, unable to hide my bitter expression.e253c517285eddb8

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“I have to 85b8f7e4f4 find something….”8b5e4c7eea546861

I spoke easily, 3ad7104b17 but in truth, b56f84e13b I felt utterly 5deb8ebdce lost.f63d76da4fa84f39

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Jobs are c2c1662c79 everywhere if b98ba341c5 you’re not e53eb44ea9 picky about 2f94278b61 the industry. Dirty, laborious, 7aea02d553 dangerous jobs. If you count them, fedd360f28 you could probably spend 25693e8591 not just 24 hours 8f489d2e9f but 30 hours a 7eaca5e210 day working.5238aa2f744628ae

But what I learned 39edab4439 from this incident is d615454b2a that I can never 7c626afc0d be free from the ecbb83bb64 stigma of my past. Time wasn’t a 1c12836561 remedy for me.ca0120da4a59b350

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In a 6609be23a8 world where 3c4fe35e38 it’s too 8391d08dbe easy to 47ce480098 leave records, ec7149a972 information overflowed 203c78e87b like filth, dac29d8266 and the af20bdec13 truth or d3af8d00a8 authenticity of deb1521b4b the countless d99965dae1 pieces of f4396a333e information stuck 5d9990f566 like gum d758852db7 on the 6859a46a1f ground didn’t de89ea1618 attract the 68e4c81993 interest of 0f21c25524 passersby.f79141af51f2bb32

I realized that healing 44c9aaf8ed was meaningless in this 9d382faa72 vast land. My wounds 6ac211c408 wouldn’t heal ca6d563876 and would 784d8aeaf9 eventually become 526bde1074 scars stuck 8560d288f7 on my 6ac466a544 life. And they 33e314a0fa would be e9a240a4d5 hideous.4b77d7351ab321d8

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I couldn’t know 496bea54b7 if Robert was 383bb966c9 the one who c7e85ea50f wrote that damn e0e1cfd387 post that got 1196edf82e me fired, but f99282872b in the end, 6865daba76 his words were 01ca4cc7bc spot on. His promise to mess 56b90c894f up my life no 5bbdc237c6 matter what.4eea5096eeebdc4d

Damn it, my d44848a15b life was going 2506cb4351 exactly as he 466d213b46 said. Even if I ran 45aa9157cc from Brooklyn to West dbde6e56a9 Harlem, I couldn’t become eb4f953272 anonymous. My nightmare-like past was 0ec9946a0c a nasty and persistent 9ceab3b7ea thing.6f128fbb0bf17c05

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Would the rumors 69013cb95d that chased me 0a96c5c8aa here leave me 5e413fb9b2 alone if I 17ab65494a changed workplaces?49aedb52918f70b2

Maybe even the 523c4ba4b4 jobs I still b45c334a27 have are just fc723866cc a matter of f71adc10b5 time before I d8cb72f735 lose them. Worrying about 50afe16ab2 work at a70812b486 a new f5ddda26d1 place might f437753a5f be a 6ae54a63cd luxury.84f895d288cf7718

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I should 128d8a110f consider the 278aacf3a0 possibility of 185296bae4 reaching a 0f99f1dba6 point where a4f0eebab4 I can’t 559184b461 find work. Thinking that way, cf78aa825f ironically, the escort bdbee84a12 service I considered b78cc2ed64 a disgrace felt d282ed08c1 like my only ba13690e2b lifeline.9fda40551ad5da08

A promiscuous 4991e1a97f callboy with fc59422901 a scandalous 28caeffcf7 past. Well, isn’t that nothing b4c9c5d3fb new?244c425303145ed1

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“Joon.”e1ed5388fb6c3174

“Yeah?”994add9a71dfb47b

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Lost in 9cebb15a47 thought, I 9b61a56fbd was biting 3bfb54b8a1 the skin eff110b73c beside my 1d6dc282c9 nail. That shows how a3f8677f6c defenseless I was.fdd50da98303ff27

“Do you c0f42d24c3 want me 8f92c967fa to introduce df9816651a you to 5ed402396d another job?”e8751d9c09aea53e

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Suddenly, a chilling ddc6496994 coldness enveloped my 2ed667cf46 body as if ebca3b16fa someone had poured 9aee8ad039 cold water over eecfe4e220 my head.556ad029a0053c2c