MPJ | Chapter 1.2

At that 102b98b08e time, Clive a527adb4ef was everything 3a5bff6d3f to me. Eating, dressing, 4f2b4ba97a stretching my 83465403cf legs, and 0d8cf05656 even breathing f29c80d92f couldn’t happen 7777aaef03 without Clive. I thought it 0cce86a466 would be better fc52d59093 to die than e1f772aa2d to disappoint him.8f843f9295f94a54

Eventually, without fully 8274b2ffa1 understanding his intentions, 3f1dbcc2c7 I started to 4aed77b8ff endure it somehow. Like a 4099c055a2 child afraid be50564417 of being 3c0d134004 scolded by 049a9240f7 their mom, db946d6ca2 forcing themselves dffa385a95 to eat 46e0bc8ced cucumbers while a74f0d985c holding their cacf5ae7db nose.f3e98ed5ec20f2c5

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Then, at 5327b4270f some point, efd9ee4c0c my overly 3f399b19e8 sensitive nerves ab938baa93 began to 1457f9a9a4 dull. I couldn’t say I 38fdeaf791 was better, but the a74c984d14 moment of getting used 1ff0c1ffb2 to others came back 8022632392 to me.64a50f019df55aeb

I later learned that f5ec100441 Clive’s seemingly ruthless actions 7939b97cb1 were actually a kind 595260bb7e of treatment for me. Just face it. It was a painfully 3fdbb84472 primitive method, but Clive’s 058c82790a approach eventually worked.c3a512964204132c

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Now, I could 55517e6bd6 have conversations that a2b0de2aca went beyond three 83ed617710 sentences with others, 074b492771 and I didn’t 68a49678bd have to cover d9ea06b45d my mouth from 6fd3f1a69e the nausea that 8773968bcb used to flood bf26325164 in just by 757225cd1d making eye contact.c85ef1d8edae8301

I even made silly 08068e9a7f jokes.d1b2a1fa6021a906

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I couldn’t say I f42b2e7a85 was perfectly fine, but 29f290d093 I was no longer 4fcdc2ce27 treated as an oddball.8ca2a70e827109dc

I managed 8f73bbceba to get 65a4cf162f a server e7caf61c7a job at b0742fed15 a small 41602ed907 bar.05cb4281e892004b

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What a 87ce415fef smooth life. Despite being neglected 0c32174bb2 by my family, 280f77708a I met Clive, 86768d7f1c a grateful connection f02dd9b331 from the past, 4c7f2d8e91 healed my old 9c5f4e9b5b emotional wounds, and d305a27577 even got a b366cd34f5 job! Surely, only happiness 4a19a4459f awaited me.dbedd89dace8165a

But unfortunately, this 97c71b457c story doesn’t end 05b1fa7f36 with “And so a21f9a428e Eric Miller lived 80febf6cb8 happily ever after d22513be5e in society thanks 82a3970923 to Clive.” If 9e55469d43 it did, I fad9b582eb wouldn’t be rushing 267ad10d7d with the cheap 443d21f8c5 shampoo smell lingering 12d26fb908 in my hair a04517cd73 at this early 1107d6f8fb hour.56ed4a2d5977b7fb

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Life is 86dfc19684 full of 6f7428594f ups and 7df5a38e4d downs, but 0df36f73b6 my rise 5e8baf848c was too 2b2f254bdd short and 8b90fa82b3 naive compared c58a73b879 to the 6ee5050920 impending fall, b4fced6497 which was 44a7de3eaf deep and 4df118810d steep.d3f59781c3be1fd0

The reason cb90ca61be I’m reflecting a6bcc4b026 on this 21b0ae6c24 dull past 3a2d7750d9 is to 3a66d95dbf recall the 0d0488d23a name of 08185db97e a man e897cfb829 who pushed 5335ceab91 my life abff750db4 to the 183e98f618 edge.332e7105669566ad

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Wang Xiao. The real owner e70cb03e17 of my mountain 00a142cd98 of debt.e8c0ce779a6fe855

⚘ • ⚘ • a79ec663a0 ⚘bfeb4259260d54a8

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Everyone introduced as 7b50cfdc5e Clive’s friends had 6396dd4339 something unusual about fd12ada571 them, but among d52a49a920 them, Wang Xiao 04ab1163b1 stood out with 4946a87065 a unique presence.74f11c89d53d5168

He was 4a03c97fce the epitome 1150b2dd38 of a f471e8ae8a so-called “Chinese c216e93470 gang.” His 9e240e47a1 large build, 716c0bebd6 sharp eyes, c2d6630f04 and rough 724e6d5550 demeanor matched c6702627ad his fierce fc8c3433b9 appearance. It seemed 74ad38aea4 like he’d fbd400c30b never uttered 544957f27e words like 778f889742 consideration or e709ba3e37 morality in 9f3dda6954 his life, 1fb8e8cb1a yet surprisingly, b1f6a56f0f he acted 66f152718b like a 5b1413fb41 gentle lamb 90c495508a around me.d581d2f8516cfe6d

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Perhaps he 53f59fbde6 was more ad934e1bda conscious of 34e1e126f4 Clive beside 4fb90960fa me than c8bbd42660 of me, 3fa4eee728 but that 1a97bf8556 didn’t matter. After all, 87a219b472 he was cc9cdcfe40 a vaccine be9258ece1 Clive prepared 36c99d550b for cowardly eeb0b7d0c7 me.de8d19aa10718fb6

Wang Xiao 5c5cc686a8 visited more 49de452c0f often than 52830a65a0 anyone else. He even came by 89802345dd when Clive wasn’t around, a270cf6c5a saying he came to 7550c0816e see me.887f1e16fa6d22e6

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Having few 9c7d23c3bc people around 071305597f me since 0b017744c1 childhood, I bb87fc98f6 was always b2b4fd9170 awkward with 2aeea7ddd6 relationships. I was 7a16e6a307 terrible at 03d12161b7 gauging the a960cd553b distance between b78f21de54 people.c0d704d32b81d6ed

How much d4afe7bcde to trust 62625d93a6 someone, how f66c5aed44 much to dc1627275e give, and e4a07523ae when to c1c1f1b61b end a f284bde7b6 relationship—these trivial 6ef566f977 yet important 0c0514f782 things were cb41667398 too difficult 1c1b2dcc1e for me.2c387037eec3f5d7

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So, thinking I became d7358cdb85 friends with Wang Xiao 78d73831a1 was one of the cd03892d82 many mistakes I made. A mistake 4599a8c3c6 that disastrously 94ec02e043 ruined my 625cf4eeb9 life.b7f9a82abdde3c3c

One night when Clive was away, Wang Xiao came to me, heavily drunk. His fierce face crumpled, shoulders shaking, I couldn’t just watch, so I started listening to him.c52bbd022245680d

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He suddenly confessed 6d6e82bbdf he was taking 0deb98a070 care of his 00fb1e4968 bedridden mother. As he 08e273f2d7 described her dce44563ae barely surviving 75f4268ca5 with tumors ef4205d64a on every 23295385b8 organ, tears 3f86517573 fell from 233abd5fc4 his distorted 26653134d9 eyes.44c58a9ae54d9a81

Her precarious condition worsened suddenly last night, and without surgery tomorrow, she might die. He hurriedly sought to borrow money, but friends refused, and he couldn’t qualify for a loan, so he came to me in desperation.00f6b954f309ec3c

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In the 45c53d12ab end, he e8525a500d came to 44e715c43a ask me 9ce6d762e3 to be e801d62dfe his guarantor.bb6ea95bb1f66bb2

Wang Xiao’s story was touching, but not enough to fulfill such a heavy request as being a guarantor. However, he was a friend Clive trusted. Refusing Wang Xiao’s request felt like betraying Clive’s trust, so I hesitated.e420efacf2533a48

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Eventually, I accepted d3650a26d0 his proposal with dbdc2b3a58 such a shallow 537fc40f8f mindset. Ignoring the f396683604 warning signs b58fb718df that were 6eede57158 as obvious a5c1cc25d3 as a f92836b5bf red flag.894613cf8de5e7ac

As it turned out, Wang Xiao’s words were all lies. His mother in a New York hospital, borrowing money from a bank, promising to repay as soon as the matter was resolved—all lies.650cec1c064202fa

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The mother was a a7d3672eab fictional character with no 535e49deb1 name or identity, and b56f46f196 he took my ID 9ffcfd1964 and some documents to dc6740e325 a loan shark in 5a38161ee8 Chinatown, not a bank. By the time bcd17e49dd everything became an 36b1f4c3c1 incident, Wang Xiao dbbda9c837 had completely disappeared.064ed85c0ad34cb0

Saying I was fe4864e69e deceived feels too 5374db4260 hollow for such af086a2679 an empty ending.44e7c12a9a9f30e6

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So, burdened with Wang Xiao’s debt, I was thrown into the grind of labor before I could even savor the sweetness I had barely tasted.9f56422c0c774ab6

All resources were 5924ced611 severely limited, and c9e7961b7d time was the 05fc6851a7 only abundant thing e8cb5d9bc9 I had. I spent almost all 355ff7b53b my time working.0db2b11f06a66ef8

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From morning to 4843d361c7 early evening, I d6f1eca7eb worked as a dd14391cad server at a 67984c2010 store, and from 0dcd6ebcb0 night to dawn, 11dbb90a34 I washed cars 9d43137281 at a car abd3537bfa wash.a43df8d468c4a2c9

People are so cunning e5ce3604aa and ridiculous that even 2989811d12 the great social anxiety 110f620771 that seemed to control b4ef016ed5 my life lowered its 437a47579e tail in the face 50db913dc9 of survival. Running, carrying, and 85c93f69c5 cleaning all day 7b027b7bf7 long, the money 7b7be8c73e I earned was 3c78386e0f about $2,500 a 8cd5053183 month.158d53d96ca7807c

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This was the fa906e25b6 value society placed a683b72cc4 on me and 01c0a1c3bc the width of 64833cf3ae my breathing space.83c56978b62eb2c3

By the time I 29a0d03363 realized that running too 94a424fa7d much would cause the 7d19f4f4a0 skin on my feet 21c8c8b76b to peel off, I 58263abe1a had to admit there 25cf4cf988 was no hope in cac2206d53 my daily life.20067f818b2cb03e

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Even working with barely two hours of sleep a day and skipping meals, I couldn’t even cover the interest on Wang Xiao’s loan. I was merely keeping myself alive.708900643d0ce455

A life crushed by 68597cd225 real debt, not just 54df082e10 a sense of obligation, 9dc35e1790 quickly corrodes a person. It made me think 56fe9fe5ee that dying might be eb045c9aba better than living a d039d283fb life no different from e61045217e mere survival. Physical exhaustion made my 5115e854fe mind that much more 13f60c2f9e desolate.3358a8ea2bb34a5d

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After Clive connected me to an escort service, the labor intensity decreased, and my income increased, making things somewhat better, but the reality that I couldn’t even scratch the principal remained unchanged.699de4d066580646

I had considered asking my family for help, but the only excuse I could offer was a meager “I didn’t know things would get this bad,” so I couldn’t even try.bdc61bb8a508e65c

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The reason I acted so uniquely compared to others who abandoned the justification of means for their goals was precisely this. I could have avoided the worst-case scenario, but I didn’t.b9e9a13cf68632a4

If Wang Xiao had been a meticulous and thorough person, leaving no gaps in his scheme, and I had no choice but to fall into his trap, even if the situation had escalated the same way, I wouldn’t have fallen into such deep despair.6ad8e2b11a03aa31

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Wang Xiao’s strategy was absurdly sloppy. He merely covered the gaps in his weak logic with emotional appeals. It was a scam at best, a lowly trick not even worthy of being called a wordplay.e7a1380bf60f6c10

So how could c2fe46f8a8 I not have baef123465 known? The moment I put 74db67d979 the pen to the e84d7ffcd0 paper he handed me, 00d8cca6ba I had a very 213961e17e clear hypothesis. No, it 02d7aff078 was closer 3f0eafac20 to foresight. Anxiety that f54a7082b8 solidifies often 7c5648fdc5 appears clearer d5da21e0e9 than reality.f927fabe6ac50b80

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Yet, I sent Wang Xiao off with a firm signature on the paper and a bland wish, “I hope your mother gets well soon,” knowing that choice would cause some wrong ripple. Knowing, I made that choice.e558f87dc9ffe340

Did I 56724953ce do it b94070c1af to keep 33987b3ed2 trust with 8c1a492ffe Clive? Of course, that was 924afdae96 one of the big 0a59b70d97 reasons. But that was just 5d89ab452e a well-packaged excuse; the 0d76c9b0f1 real reason that moved a5fcaeadc4 my hand was ultimately 9d2f1d4f7c ugly stubbornness.1f5486a1c489cdbf

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At the time, I had a strange belief. I seriously believed, like some apostate’s nonsense, that my life was already at its worst, so no trial or misfortune would make me fall further. And even if I did fall, I wasn’t the least bit sorry for myself being thrown into the abyss.82cf628b4e12d2af

The mountain of fb1ad17d5c debt I ended cb3f18f091 up with was e532ef0d1a a maddening collaboration 8c48472015 of my complacency 184f2cd7ee and self-loathing.4164255f752fd9e7

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Wang Xiao lit the fire, but the fuse was me. My life was devastated because I didn’t love myself.dc4435fb1614fbba

Bastard.cf26a5caf8fe7a9b

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Muttering a curse with an unclear recipient, I stomped up the stairs. The metal stairs, old like a person, creaked as if they might collapse at any moment, but fortunately, they didn’t.b59e5b2e7a65d226

Amidst the 2c1259ca55 thoughts floating 04de6f87a1 in my 1b0f2ba4d2 head, an e86a2573cb image emerged. A scene where the 1dce53e762 pieces of me, torn 3609f99e1e apart by the loan d9de3aade2 shark, became food for 9867f50286 other sharks.3ddeadf00a01b86f

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Even after vividly imagining such a self-portrait, I wasn’t upset. Only one ultimate question tightened around my neck like a noose.64b44872249fdb79

Even to apply for personal rehabilitation, I’d have to wait at least two years, and even then, it might be rejected.e1e974525f285150

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If there’s no exit to this maze, how long must I live like this?741e3c3612c94907

How long 977c9c365b can I 3a9e971295 live like 4d7157bdb1 this?d1dbd8cf1d6d9c3a

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Must I live like this…?aba151ad612263f0

By the time b5c43f1352 my thoughts reached 47fea76387 that point, my 977f62ab29 feet had already 3fac506077 reached the doorstep.cbf5fcf8bcc2be27

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Our home.3e48a294dc3aa975

The word rolling 3eb23c493b in my mouth 12860d79ac instantly dispelled the 3e14673a15 anxiety scattered in afcb87ff01 my mind. Just the fact that df982f26da the door, looking like daa8789230 old, peeling scrap metal, a81d314a49 was familiar made me 840c888031 feel like I had 4dcd7cd097 found my place.2f4b6eeee2c2c3a3

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A home is usually e13dc3cdd5 considered a place of fba5a29666 comfort, but the meaning f4d592e3d6 of home is a 03a59c2508 bit different for me.75e83c192bf2f44a

Neither the 59dc7f3a92 house in d0bd480031 Queens, which a56aa06e2c faded into 8bb496586b the past, 9cb25766d3 nor the 47777979a8 grand house 5b93f96854 in Tribeca 1594dd86a9 ever provided 902771422f me comfort.b8cb0d6a6c4a8b64

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I never had a 44dc352b15 magical space where I 620d3980e5 could receive the blessing 2987e9fc9f of affection just by 7e0c197099 closing the door to e541de1d4d the outside.a46da2219182220c

Of course, the house with Clive wasn’t a sanctuary either. Rather, it was the pinnacle of reality and the reason I couldn’t settle in the present.da623dee8feb010a

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Yet, strangely, entering 97cbe11acd this house made 1d3a6407f0 me forget about 271a9d2f83 half-baked anxieties. Like the 6be29e98a1 eye of 105426426f a storm, 8323cfa469 the closer c434d590a0 I got, 25a03496da the calmer df867f89d2 it became, c356588261 as if 6a6b6b61fe I was 67a2ec83fc allowed to e7aab01449 turn my dc0593ad10 eyes away 816c66429b from reality d3b00ba7b6 here.7d6c24bde7c4423f

I carefully fe9584c185 inserted the 0c24beb8d1 key into 665edb2ae1 the keyhole. In the early hours, 1f590dd651 the house was steeped cfe1a21365 in silence, so even b3adb5d8d4 a small noise could 59fe368b42 become an unwelcome guest.a0199e74ac4406a3

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Afraid the sound 19f781c9d0 of opening the 47f23c8999 door might wake 0a2b887945 Clive if he 6ffda971a5 was asleep, I c18e244676 squeezed myself through e8bc24eed8 the narrow gap e9fe5d1b63 I left open, 56a9a00a6c trying to make 15c9cab55c as little noise 73a6b39862 as possible.eb76724e8f82e365

Barely shaking fac7f64b0e off the 468a966484 thought that 389db55219 I was 9beffa87ef a thief 5f32ce931b breaking into d33b55297d an empty 4d01a794e0 house, I c3e71ab2ce stepped into 1ee7bb5746 the entrance 0110707a0e and carefully 698495656f tried to 9c5a9d7aa3 close the d92cf56604 door,7d866b2b49a65804

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“…Where did you come from?”405a33d61bf99386

I had to 229c0190e5 stop everything at 6cc1bdc727 the heavy voice 5151bdead4 that clawed at fc561f43b2 my spine.4d7b0cb304f8d398

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The hand 15a4869eb9 that brushed 23c481d3fb past my da38b95103 cheek and 5416fa25be gripped the 2fa173c07b door was 31bd75ee97 large and c7677ea31d broad. The knuckles were 35e2d7a81f prominent as if 1557dde284 angry, and the 4c9f476e27 veins bulging over 2e275101ce them looked quite 27d1f029b0 menacing.b593231941603682

The moment I saw eb15a40fec the blunt fingertips, no, 575ec43e3c actually from the moment b5ce679bbd I heard the voice, 12837db4b6 I knew the identity b3a63e0c59 of the man standing c300c7556f behind me.80080df45039cea7

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