MM Ch 9 part 1

The autumn that shook my heart passed by in an instant. At some point, the wind brushing up against my nose had turned cold, and winter had come.

Classes were completed one by one in the second semester. Son Kieun often sent me messages as if nothing was wrong, but whenever he did, I firmly pushed him away.

「Noona, if you have some time, will you have a glass of beer with me? There’s something I need to say.」

「Sorry, I’m a bit busy at the moment. And I really would like it if you stopped contacting me from now on.」

Actually, I really wanted to meet with him and properly apologize. However, because my intuition continued to ring warning bells signifying danger, I could not do it. Although there was no evidence that Lee Kyuwol had anything to do with Son Kieun’s accident, a corner of my heart was convinced.

My methods from the start had been wrong. In order to escape Lee Kyuwol, I used a boy that I didn’t even like. I felt like I was the absolute worst.

As more time passed by, I grew more and more afraid of Lee Kyuwol. No, actually, I was afraid of the change in myself. Whenever I was with him, my tragic past continued to grab me by the ankles. However, whenever I tried to escape, I found myself clinging onto him even more, and I hated myself for that.

My answer to the question, ‘Do I love Lee Kyuwol?’ was still a resounding ‘no’. However, I was afraid that I would end up falling in love with him. I didn’t want to follow in my mother’s footsteps, a woman who gave up everything for her first love only to live a pathetic life thereafter. I did not want to live a life like Lee Kyuwol’s young biological mother, who had mistakenly thought she was in love only to be abandoned in the end.

I could not stand that I was slowly starting to put my hopes in Lee Kyuwol, the man who did not seem to care even when I showed him my darkest thoughts. I kept hearing my grandmother’s words in my head, warning me not to ruin my life because of a man like my mother did.

It was still possible for us to make the same mistakes our parents made.

Two years had passed since my mother’s death in the blazing villa. The same time of year was fast approaching.

* * *

When I was very young, I really liked watching TV. I wasn’t just interested in the animated movies that all the other kids my age enjoyed. There were many instances where I’d sit inside the dark living room, watching foreign films that were only broadcasted at night.

My grandmother would wake up several times in the night to use the bathroom, and whenever she’d see me staring at the television, she’d say that I would become an idiot like my mother if I kept watching TV. However, I could not take my eyes off of the new world that was inside the rectangular screen.

My homework was always neglected, and I never prepared the necessary supplies for school. When I saw the other kids go to private English tutoring academies or take other private classes, I always sighed, thinking there was no need to live such a tiring life like that. I’d console myself of this and fall asleep.

My elementary school homeroom teacher even sent a letter home saying that I needed more family guidance, but whenever this happened, I didn’t find my grandmother’s lectures to be too scary.

“Grandma, I’m hungry.”

My mother had come back home after a long time away, but she had gotten into a huge fight with my grandmother and left early. I had only seen my mother’s face a handful of times in my life, so I quickly went to my room to avoid her. After she left, I walked out into the living room. When my grandmother saw me sitting in front of the television as usual, she began to cry.

“Grandma, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

“Dayoung. When Grandma dies, you need to buckle down and live your best, alright?”

That bitch Misook was a cruel bitch that didn’t have a problem abandoning her own child. If she died and I was left all alone in this world as an orphan, she wouldn’t be able to rest in peace. My grandmother’s mumbling gave me quite a shock.

I had never thought about my grandmother’s death until that point. I always thought she would be my guardian and stay by my side, but when she began to speak about death, I felt like I was back in the sea, floundering to stay afloat. I felt terror wash over me.

Grandma. You must never die. Don’t die. I’m sorry. I’ll do as you say. I won’t watch TV late at night anymore. I’ll try my best with my studies.

That night, I clung onto her embrace and cried. I sat down at my desk and did my homework for the very first time. I finally began to study just as my grandmother always told me to do. However, not a year had passed since I began to pour my efforts into my studies when I came to mourn my grandmother’s death.

Ever since I was young, everything I did was motivated by fear.

In fear of being swallowed up by the sea, I did not dare go too close to the water. I began studying, afraid that my grandmother would leave me. I lived as if I were dead in fear of being hated by my mother.

Even though I decided to leave Lee Kyuwol, I continued to hesitate for a full season. And when a chance meeting caused me to fully commit to it, the reason was the same.

“Athlete Lee Kyuwol? I can’t believe we’re meeting in a place like this. I’m Kim YoungHoon from Sports Korea.”

An unexpected terror slowly knocked on my heart’s door.

“Could it be that you are on a date?”

Lee Kyuwol and I were in the middle of a walk in the park in front of our home. I reflexively took a step back. The man glanced at me, and I couldn’t meet his eyes.

The moment he introduced himself as a reporter, my mouth ran dry. My face grew pale. My heart began to pick up speed.

“I think you need to give a private citizen some privacy.”

When I remained frozen, Lee Kyuwol stood by my side and politely smiled as he answered the man.

“Ah. Haha. It seems I interrupted something. Goodbye then.”

I forced my stiff legs to move past him, but the reporter took a good look at my face and spoke up.

“Ah, excuse me. The person you’re with… Is she not the late Jung Misook-ssi’s daughter? How is it that the two of you are still together even now?”

My heart sank. I lowered my trembling eyes to the ground. This reporter I met for the first time mentioned our lack of familial bond.

Jung Misook’s daughter. After ‘that incident’, this was the first time I was hearing that title.

“I’m sorry, but…”

Lee Kyuwol stopped walking and slowly turned back to me.

“It hasn’t even been two years since our family passed away.”

I gazed at his wide back to hide my nervous eyes and chewed on my lips.

“I didn’t think you were so vulgar as to pour salt on someone’s open wound.”

“It seems that you’ve misunderstood, Athlete Lee Kyuwol.”

The reporter raised his voice. Lee Kyuwol took a step towards him. All I could do was keep my piercing gaze on his wide back.

“Reporter Kim YoungHoon-nim. I still remember that you were the one who first wrote about the rumors that claimed I was doping six months ago.”

“Haha, it’s not like there are only a couple of swimmers in the world who…”

Lee Kyuwol lowered his head to him. I could hear the sound of his whispers floating in the wind.

“Shall I help you change professions?”

When I heard his slow, cold voice, I imagined that his face was no longer covered by his usual mask. The reporter seemed to be at a loss for words. I was afraid of the thoughts that were going through his head. I reflexively took a step forward and grabbed the hem of Lee Kyuwol’s clothes.

“What did you just…”

The bewildered reporter raised his glasses and barely managed to speak. Lee Kyuwol saw this and grinned.

“I’m just joking. I just said it because I felt that you were very good at writing fiction novels.”

After spitting out a joke that didn’t make anyone laugh, Lee Kyuwol turned around and walked towards me without waiting for a reply.

“Let’s go.”

He gently placed his hand on my back. As he dragged me away, I did my best to walk naturally. The back of my head prickled, almost as if I could feel the reporter’s fierce gaze.

“There’s no need to worry about him.”

Lee Kyuwol murmured in a low voice, but it didn’t matter. This meant that the truth that Lee Kyuwol and I had been ignoring all this time was known to someone else. What would they think? The people who knew I was Jung Misook’s daughter… The people who knew that Lee Kyuwol and I were no longer considered family now that our parents were dead… What would they think when they saw me?

No. When they saw Lee Kyuwol standing by my side, what would they think? The cold wind suddenly grazed the nape of my neck. I shivered.

“I said there’s no need to worry about it.”

Lee Kyuwol stopped walking and lowered his head to me. His calm, gray eyes held my gaze.

“…Okay.”

I mustered up all my strength to give him a nod and a smile. Then I began to walk again. Unlike my calm reply, my heart was racing inside my chest. The thoughts that never crossed my mind before began to flood my head. Anxiety began to spread throughout my body.

Everyone in Korea recognized Lee Kyuwol’s name. During the time I hid my existence and lived with him, I had completely deluded myself. Once the gossip magazines began to write about our relationship, the one who would be affected would not be me, the one who had nothing. It would be him, the one who had too much.

The moment I realized that I would be the only blemish in Lee Kyuwol’s perfect reputation, my head began to shake from side to side. Even though Lee Kyuwol had seen me fall several times in front of him, just the thought of seeing him fall made my whole body shudder.

Unlike the other times when I made several excuses to hold off, this time, I was more determined than ever to follow through. I truly wanted to avoid becoming a hindrance in his life. Even if I had to die, I did not want to see his cold, gray eyes fill with hatred and blame as he looked at me. This was the last remnant left of my pride.

* * *

When Lee Kyuwol and I arrived at the lodging he had booked near a lake, the sun was already setting behind the mountains. The pension owner held back a yawn as he handed us the key to our reserved room and explained a few features of the location. Then he got in his car and disappeared.

I began to prepare the ingredients we had purchased in Seoul and laid out the food in front of him. As usual, Lee Kyuwol began to eat the food I cooked for him.

“The owner said that we can go out on his boat, right? Should we go out for a ride tomorrow?”

I asked him nonchalantly. Lee Kyuwol raised his head and looked at me with interest.

“Why go tomorrow? Let’s go out after we finish eating.”

“…Right now?”

I blinked at him.

“Yeah. I don’t think we’ll be able to fall asleep right after the meal anyway.”

Lee Kyuwol gave me a faint smile. He seemed to be in a good mood today. Although I had planned to do it tomorrow, I didn’t care if we did it today. No, maybe this was for the best. I had run various simulations of what was to come countless times in my head for the past few months.

There was no need to wait any longer. Rather than spending tonight in a state of anxiety, it would be better to get this over with as soon as possible.

It was the middle of the month. The round moon shone brightly and illuminated the dark lakeside. The shadows of the short trees shimmered on the surface of the water.

Lee Kyuwol easily untied the rope tying the boat to the shore. Then he took my hand and helped me inside. Although the boat had a motor, it was small enough to move by rowing.

“Now that we’re here like this, it feels like we’re in a whole different world.”

After rowing us to the middle of the lake, Lee Kyuwol murmured. Splash, splash. Lee Kyuwol rowed the boat so easily that I would have believed it if his specialty wasn’t swimming but rowing. He seemed to be one with the water. He looked the most comfortable when he was near water.

“…So…”

Lee Kyuwol’s eyes met mine. The wind rustled his hair. It must have tickled his forehead because he lightly swept his head back. I began to hesitate. His gray eyes seemed to grow softer under the moonlight, but it looked as dark as the night.

“Yeah, say it.”

Lee Kyuwol broke the silence with a faint smile. I looked at him in silence and gulped.

“You wanted to come out here to tell me something.”

There weren’t a lot of things I could hide from him. During the short time we were together, he had completely analyzed me. He was so cunning that he pretended not to know my true intentions and followed me out here. He might even know what I was going to say right now.

“About Son Kieun…”

“Who?”

Lee Kyuwol asked softly as he gazed at me. There was no way he did not know the name. When I saw his mask-like face, I became even more determined.

The reason why I chose to end things with him in the middle of a lake despite my deep fear of water was because I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t run away before I did what I wanted to do. I stopped hesitating and began to say what I had already prepared in my head.

“…Did you cause his accident?”

“Aah. Him.”

He seemed completely unperturbed as he looked at me. He slowly opened his mouth.

“No matter what I say, I don’t think it will affect your opinion.”

Whoosh. The cold winter wind blew around us, but I didn’t feel the chill. My hand was damp with sweat.

“Tell me the honest truth. You did it, right?”

“You’re right.”

As if he were laughing at my tense mood, a faint smile stretched across his lips. I drew in a deep breath. I had a feeling that he was behind it, but hearing it directly from his mouth shook me a lot more than I’d expected.

“…He could have died.”

“But he probably didn’t.”

“How would you know?”

I tried to speak calmly, but it was no use. My voice shook tremendously.

“Because if I wanted to kill him, I wouldn’t have failed to do so.”

Gulp. I swallowed, but my mouth was dry. Lee Kyuwol’s calm voice did not hold an ounce of regret or guilt. The wind blew and disheveled my long hair.

Splash.

Lee Kyuwol suddenly stopped rowing. Then he took off his large hooded jacket and handed it to me.

“Wear this.”

I clenched my hand around the jacket that still held his warmth. Then I barely managed to open my mouth as he silently gazed at me.

“…I’m becoming more and more scared of you.”

“Wear it.”

“Whenever you say things like that without flinching, I get scared. You know that?”

Lee Kyuwol looked at me and silently blinked. Then he chuckled.

“You say that as if you didn’t already know this is the kind of person I am.”

His whisper was cold.

“…It’s a fresh take, but it’s no fun.”

I didn’t even try to deny his words. Because it was the truth. During the time I was with him, I came to know Lee Kyuwol more than I would have liked. That he could remain calm and behave cruelly. No, that he had always been a cruel person. Therefore, there was no need to be surprised.

“Why do you suddenly want to confirm the fact that I wanted to give Son Kieun a little scare?”

However, the reason why I was afraid of Lee Kyuwol wasn’t simply because he was different from other people.

“Are you trying to leave me after hearing my answer?”

His piercing gray eyes sneered at me. He had read my thoughts so accurately.

“You know very well that that’s ridiculous, right?”

Lee Kyuwol was ordering me to stop beating around the bush and tell him exactly what it was that I wanted to say. This was my last chance to get away from him. This was the first time I was going against him. In order to do this, I had prepared to bring everything out from inside my heart.

Either way, there was nothing I could hide from Lee Kyuwol. Because while I had thought about him for a long time, he had more than enough time to think about me.

I drew in a deep breath. I glared at him and spit out the following words as if they tasted bitter in my mouth.

“You… You’re the only person who knows everything about me. Whenever I want to hide, you’re always there as if you’ve known all along. Everything… Everything inside me has been exposed to you.”

The moment when I wanted to kill my mother as she had intercourse with Professor Lee. The moment when my mother took Professor Lee’s side and drew out all the hatred she had towards me. And the final moment when I ignored my one and only family member inside a burning house. Lee Kyuwol had always been a step away as he gazed at me.

“And why is that a problem?”

“Whenever you’re next to me, I always become a sinner.”

Lee Kyuwol chuckled. His cold breath turned into mist and floated away with the wind.

“No one can punish you.”

He shattered my argument.

“Just as you said, I am the only one who knows your entire history. I don’t plan on betraying you. No, I can’t do it.”

His low voice sounded heavy. Lee Kyuwol’s gaze held mine and didn’t let go. I felt frustrated. I couldn’t breathe.

“…Why are you staying by my side?”

I looked at him and spit out the question that I had tried to hold back. The silence before his answer felt incredibly long.

“…Because you took my hand.”

Lee Kyuwol broke the silence.

“Are you saying it’s my fault?”

“I’m saying it was your choice.”

I bit my lips. A corner of my heart ached.

“And you didn’t have a choice?”

“At first I did. But at some point, it vanished.”

He answered cryptically and laughed.

“It became something I couldn’t control.”

The lake was quiet. I could hear the sound of some water birds in the distance. The sound was the only thing that reminded me this was reality.

“Then I’ll let go of your hand now.”

Lee Kyuwol gazed at me. My resolution to go about this rationally and calmly disappeared like bubbles in the water. If he wouldn’t stop on his own, that meant that I had to be the one to stop him.

“Let’s end this now, Lee Kyuwol.”

My voice trembled like an idiot. The small boat was now floating on the water. For my sake. For his sake. For both of our sakes, it was only right for us to end things here.

“According to who?”

Lee Kyuwol asked back. He lifted his head, and his eyelashes formed small shadows on his face. His expression didn’t change. He didn’t seem angry. All that was different was that his gray eyes were slightly narrowed.

“I definitely warned you. Once you take my hand, you won’t be able to return to the way you were before. But you still grabbed my hand. And now you’re ordering me to let you go.”

Lee Kyuwol slowly spoke. He didn’t wait for me to reply and continued.

“…Whenever you act like this, do you know what thought pops into my head?”

I remained silent, and Lee Kyuwol didn’t hesitate to go on.

“In the end, you used me. You found your ‘way’. You were already aware of it subconsciously. That I wouldn’t be able to leave you alone. That I would hold out my hand to you. And you ultimately made me do it. Even though the thing I hate most in this world is being troubled, I did all kinds of things for you.”

My heart raced. I wanted to scream at him that it wasn’t true, but I felt like something was stuck in my throat. Nothing came out.

“…Shut up.”

“You’re the one who started it first.”

When I barely managed to speak up, Lee Kyuwol shook his head. After letting go of the oar, Lee Kyuwol drew nearer to me. The small boat began to shake precariously. After kneeling down next to me, Lee Kyuwol swept my disheveled hair back.

“Ugh…!”

Suddenly, my head was trapped inside his large hand. I smelled danger coming from Lee Kyuwol.

“Don’t deny the fact that you were drawn to me from the very beginning.”

He whispered in a low voice. The moonlight grew faint inside the foggy mist. His gray eyes gleamed.

“Because I felt the same, too.”

“Lee Kyuwol.”

Although I managed to get him to stop talking, I failed to end this well. Just like I was prepared to show him everything on my side, Lee Kyuwol had done the same. I was the one who drew the final card to break up with Lee Kyuwol, and the result was ghastly. The cruel truth that I did not want to acknowledge flowed out of his lips.

“The woman you hated and loved. The woman who oozed sex from every pore of her body whenever she saw a man. I’m telling you not to deny the fact that your mother’s blood runs in your veins as well. Just like how I never forget that I’m the son of a shady pervert who masturbated to his stepdaughter’s underwear.”

“Enough…”

I hissed out through clenched teeth, but it was too late.

“The dirty people are all dead and gone. We are not so stupid as to repeat their mistakes. So what are you so afraid of? What is the problem? Hm?”

Lee Kyuwol muttered to me like a person who’d lost his mind. In the end, the pent-up anger I had towards him exploded out, and I screamed back.

“You! You’re the problem!!”

“What?”

“This is why I hate you!!”

I’d forgotten how I’d wanted to remain calm for this confrontation. I slammed my fist down on his shoulder, and the boat rocked from side to side.

“Whenever you’re by my side, I can’t help but remember the past. Because you know everything. From beginning to end… Everything! All of it!”

Shaky breaths hissed out of my clenched teeth. There was nothing left. I no longer needed to feel embarrassed or humiliated in front of him.

“Acting as if nothing happened. Acting like we’re normal people. Even if we continue acting this way, I…! Like a mole burrowing underground… Like a twitching worm…! I can’t help but remain hidden forever, unable to come outside! Because of you!”

Lee Kyuwol gazed at my twisted face as I bit my lip. He spoke in a slow voice.

“Then… Would you feel better if I disappeared from your sight forever?”

“What?”

His low voice caused my whole body to tremble. The moon’s bright light illuminated his face. Like a person without a shadow. Like a person who did not exist in this world.

“If I, the only person who knows your secrets, disappeared, can you live without feeling anxious or afraid?”

Lee Kyuwol’s long lips stretched into a smile. Boom, boom, my heart raced.

“Did I misunderstand? If I did, tell me.”

His smile wasn’t a sneer. It actually looked very kind. The fact that he could feign kindness in a situation like this caused a shudder of dread run through my body.

“…I just want to live a normal life.”

“No. That wasn’t my question.”

Lee Kyuwol slowly shook his head and asked again.

“Tell me directly. Do you want me to disappear from your sight forever?”

Lee Kyuwol had cruelly driven me to the edge of the cliff, and I felt like my throat was closing up. I didn’t even expect our separation to proceed beautifully. A single tear trickled down from my feverish eye.

“…Yeah.”

I clenched my teeth and barely spit it out.

“Please just get out of my life… I want you to get lost.”

Lee Kyuwol let out a cold breath and chuckled. I had never seen this dim smile of his before. A corner of my heart ached.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah!”

I screamed out at him. I shouted out even louder to push out the chaotic thoughts in my head.

“Get lost! Please just go away!!”

If this was the only way Lee Kyuwol would let go of my hand, then I needed to do it. Even if Lee Kyuwol thought I was selfish and cursed at me for being the world’s most wicked bitch, even if he went crazy and began to strangle me, I was prepared for it all. It would be better than staying together and hurting each other, digging ourselves even deeper into the darkness. A moment’s hatred was much better than the alternative.

“Haa…”

I drew in a ragged breath. Lee Kyuwol watched me and flashed me a cold smile. Then he whispered slowly.

“…I’ll do as you wish.”

Suddenly, the boat leaned to one side. The boat rocked precariously on the surface of the water. The moment I grabbed the rim, I heard the sound of a splash.