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    Due to the cold wind, no one was sitting at the outdoor patio tables. I recalled the last time I came here with Lee Kyuwol, and I brought the cup of coffee up to my lips.

    “…Aren’t you cold?”

    Lee Kyuwol slowly rubbed my hand underneath the blanket. A muffler was wrapped around my face. I turned and looked at him.

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    “I’m not cold. I’m fine. It feels nice to enjoy the fresh air.”

    After we had fallen into the lake, Lee Kyuwol and I caught a severe cold. It was actually for the better that the both of us had gotten sick. Whether it was after we ate or after we took our medicine, Lee Kyuwol and I kissed and tangled our feverish bodies.

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    “About Kim YoungHoon. He came to see me at my school a month ago.”

    “Really?”

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    Lee Kyuwol’s eyes did not seem agitated in any way as he gazed at me. It wasn’t completely unexpected. Because Lee Kyuwol knew more about me than I could imagine. I looked at him and began to talk about what I wanted to say.

    “It seems that he’s decided to abandon his suspicions about doping. He knows that the tests are done randomly, but he thinks that the reason why you’re often left out is because of your background. As you know, your family is a bit…”

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    “They’re convenient. When I need them.”

    As I tried to carefully pick my words, Lee Kyuwol bluntly answered for me. The words he chose were simple and without any good or bad connotations. I wondered if this was what caused people around him to be drawn to him. Then I began to quietly explain my meeting with Sports Korea’s Kim YoungHoon.

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    “His grandfather is a prominent figure in his region, and his older uncle is a national congressman. His younger uncle used to be a judge and is now a partner at a major law firm. His late father used to be a professor that was respected in foreign universities. With a background like this, I think he’d be able to hide any kind of scandal regardless of whether it’s about doping or not… Right before the season was over, Lee Kyuwol decided to do an official extensive physical examination. Right after I put my reputation on the line.”

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    The reporter had pretended to catch Lee Kyuwol out in public by accident, but he had actually been loitering around, hoping to see him. And that’s how he met me. It seemed that Lee Kyuwol had taken matters into his own hands.

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    “Yeah. But I’m sure he didn’t go see you because of such a boring thing that had already passed.”

    Lee Kyuwol gazed at me as he muttered. I confirmed his suspicions by nodding my head.

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    “You’re right. If that was the case, I would have been able to cut him off and tell him it had nothing to do with me.”

    However, the reporter approached me about something else.

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    “About Athlete Lee Kyuwol. I’ve had this feeling for a while now, but I’m more certain now… He has a somewhat chilling aura about him. I feel that he tends to play around with people. Do you understand what I mean?”

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    “…No.”


    I didn’t have the courage to meet his eyes, so I kept my eyes glued to his lips as I shook my head. As if his throat were parched, the reporter gulped down some of his juice before he tilted his head at me.


    “A game isn’t just limited to sports or gambling. No, actually, don’t they say that a mental game is the most important aspect when it comes to sports or gambling? I’m saying that there are people who play these games in their daily lives as well. They do it so secretly that it’s almost impossible to notice.”

    “I’m not really sure… what you’re trying to say, Reporter-nim. I’m sorry.”

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    The reporter’s eyes narrowed and he began to mutter as if he was talking to himself.

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    “I’m saying there’s a sense that he’s laid a trap and is silently waiting for someone to fall into it. Lee Kyuwol.”

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    It was obvious that he had extremely hostile feelings towards Lee Kyuwol. Even though I knew this, my hands went cold because I somewhat agreed with his sentiment.

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    “I apologize for bringing this up, but… about the criminal who was responsible for the arson robbery a few years ago… The illegal immigrant working at Lee Kyuwol’s grandfather’s factory…”

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    I frantically raised my eyes from his mouth to his eyes. Boom. Boom. My heart pounded inside my chest. I did my best to keep my expression blank as I looked at him. I gulped and focused on each syllable.

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    “The Filipino man’s family lives in a very desolate part of the mainland of the Philippines. I found out that there is a nonprofit organization that supports them, and when I looked into it… The person who owns the organization that helps the man’s family is none other than Lee Kyuwol. Everyone in the world knows that Lee Kyuwol is of mixed blood, and I know that the organization was begun with good intentions, but… this is a bit too much. Doing something like this requires someone with an abnormal mentality, wouldn’t you say? Ah, are you alright? You don’t look very well… It seems that you didn’t know. I understand that this is a bit shocking. The criminal also murdered Jung Misook-ssi as well, after all…”

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    The Lee Kyuwol I knew was someone who didn’t care about other people. Philanthropy and volunteering was something people with affection do, and Lee Kyuwol was millions of years away from something like that. 

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    As soon as I pondered the motive Lee Kyuwol might have had to sponsor the criminal, two or three assumptions came to mind. And the most shocking assumption made my heart jump up to my throat.


    “…I’m fine.”


    It didn’t seem like the reporter had reached the same conclusions I did, but it seemed that he had come to one of his own altogether.


    “From what I can tell, Lee Kyuwol that bastard has… a split personality. I believe he is morally bankrupt. He’s your typical golden spoon dirtbag who thinks the world is under his feet.”


    “I think Kim YoungHoon thinks… very poorly of your character. He’s dug up a lot of your swimming scandals, too. I’m not sure how he found out, but he knew about the… volleyball incident. The victim refused to participate in an interview because they didn’t want to talk about you, but the other volleyball teammates clearly remembered that incident.”

    “Well, it was quite shocking.”

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    Lee Kyuwol spoke as if we were talking about someone else. I let out a deep sigh and asked him.

    “Were you close with the swimmer Kim Jehee?”

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    “Not really.”

    Lee Kyuwol answered curtly. It only lasted a moment, but I saw annoyance flash through his face.

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    “I heard Kim Jehee liked you a lot. And you told her that if she set a new record, you’d think about it.”


    “Athlete Kim Jehee ultimately won the gold medal for the women’s 100 meter swim at the national meet, and do you know what Lee Kyuwol said?”


    “I only said it because I was one hundred percent sure she’d fail. Either way, she got a medal out of it, right? I don’t plan on dating a swimmer.”

    Lee Kyuwol answered in a low voice as his lips twisted into a crooked smile. It was clearly a sneer. As I looked at the face that he had shown to Kim Jehee, I could imagine how she reacted.

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    Lee Kyuwol brought his now cooled coffee up to his lips and brought it back down as he flashed a bright smile. There were many ways to shatter someone’s first love, but he had found a cruel way to shatter both her pride as a swimmer and her pride as a woman. It was so like him to go about it in this way.

    “I rejected a fellow swimmer’s confession because of my work, and I forgave the culprit and supported his family. I’m sure he won’t be able to write an article about those topics. Kim Jehee will be disgraced, and the fact that I forgave the culprit will only support my unwavering mental strength that helped me set a new record at the swim meet. It’ll only make me look good.”

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    Kim YoungHoon felt like he’d lost for this exact reason. It was impossible to get dirt on someone like Lee Kyuwol. Before he’d become entangled with me, that is.

    “Did Kim YoungHoon say that he was going to write an article about us?”

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    Lee Kyuwol spoke as if he had been there with me. I gulped and opened my mouth.

    “That’s right.”

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    “…Sounds like it’ll be fun.”

    His long eyes narrowed. His whispering voice sounded calm, but I didn’t miss the surging rage hidden in its depths.

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    The only thing that would satisfy Reporter Kim YoungHoon’s appetite was Lee Kyuwol’s and my current living situation. Although it was only for a moment, we were tied together by the bounds of family. However, despite our parents’ deaths, we were still living together. The reporter’s excited expression made my heart sink.

    After we met him while we were enjoying our walk, the moment my greatest fears became a reality, I couldn’t think about anything else. I decided I needed to leave Lee Kyuwol before the article came out, and I tried to make my escape. However, it was a spectacular failure.

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    A failure that I chose.

    “It… doesn’t matter to me.”

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    I held his hand and whispered. Lee Kyuwol quickly asked back.

    “What do you mean?”

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    “Exactly what I said.”

    I repeated the words he’d said to me here all those years ago.

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    “No matter what kind of article that reporter writes about you and me, I don’t care anymore.”

    No. Honestly speaking, I hoped Kim YoungHoon would write the most salacious article possible. The more the media spun our story into an immoral porno, the truth that really needed to be exposed would disappear forever. 

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    Lee Kyuwol gazed at me for a moment before he slowly opened his mouth.

    “It doesn’t matter… if the whole world finds out who you are?”

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    The wind blew and rustled our hair. The reporter told me that only my initials would be published in the article and that my face would not be revealed. However, people would come to know of my existence. Jung Misook’s little sister who was actually her hidden daughter. An illegitimate child she had with the late movie director.

    “…It doesn’t matter.”

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    I was telling the truth. Those kinds of things didn’t seem important to me anymore.

    “I… don’t care if my existence gets revealed. So…”

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    I gulped and looked him in the eye.

    “I want you to protect yourself, too.”

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    “What do you mean?”

    “Don’t do anything.”

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    Lee Kyuwol looked at me and chuckled. His face turned bright like a little child who had just cracked a riddle.

    “Don’t do anything?”

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    “…Yeah. Don’t do anything.”

    He whispered in a soft but clear voice.

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    “You’re nervous I’m going to kill that bastard.”

    I didn’t deny it and nodded my head. There was no need to deny it. Just imagining the thought made my hands shake and grow cold.

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    “Keep talking.”

    “I don’t like it when you get hurt. I’m a coward, and I have a weak heart. So even if that article is a work of fiction or a complete melodrama… Let’s just let it go.”

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    Lee Kyuwol gently wrapped his hand around my cheek. My cold cheek began to melt under his warmth.

    “The employee I gave my autograph to last time… they’re still looking at us through the window. A few customers have also been glancing this way for a while now. Does it not matter to you?”

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    Lee Kyuwol was testing me until the very end. I nodded.

    “…It doesn’t matter.”

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    His face slowly drew closer. After sticking our foreheads together, his gray eyes gazed at me. As the sunlight illuminated his eyes, they looked like mercury. It looked beautiful and dangerous, like the elixir of eternal youth that could seduce an alchemist.

    In the end, Lee Kyuwol’s smile flashed bright. It was what had made me addicted to him in the first place. And then he whispered.

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    “I used to think that someone worrying about me was the stupidest thing in the world. But I never expected it to turn me on this much.”

    “Even if you think it’s stupid, I can’t help it. I worry about you. I’m afraid something will happen to you and I’ll be left alone. Actually, I was even afraid you’d let go of my hand first, but that thought has decreased a lot these days.”

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    Determined, I began to lay out my truths in front of him. Lee Kyuwol smiled, but it didn’t hold any trace of anger. Instead, it looked frustrated.

    “I may doubt you in the future. But whenever that happens, I’d like for you to… handle it well.”

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    I knew that it was irresponsible of me to say this, but this was the best way I could express my feelings.

    “Why?”

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    Lee Kyuwol asked back. I gave him a simple answer.

    “…Because I want to stay with you.”

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    My pulse quickened, and I could hear it in the ear that was covered by his hand.

    “You always push me into situations I never expect to be in.”

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    Lee Kyuwol frowned, but he was smiling. His eyes were usually calm, but I liked the way they gleamed with excitement whenever he looked at me.

    Yeah. This was what I liked.

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    “Just like now.”

    He brushed his lips against mine as he whispered. Then he plunged in for a deep kiss. The blanket fell to my lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck. Underneath the bright lights, on a stage that definitely had an audience, we shared a deep kiss, as if there were only the two of us in this world.

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     * * *

    We assumed spring was approaching, but the wind suddenly grew chilly. The weather was unpredictable these days. Just when we thought the cold was finally behind us, an icy cold front would come. However, I was quite glad that it was a bit cold today.

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    I opened the veranda window and crouched down as I watched a small fire burn in an aluminum can. The dry winter air caused the fire to burn bright. The paper began to burn black from the edges before it turned into gray ash.

    Riiiip.

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    As I looked blankly into the fire, I suddenly felt like my surroundings were engulfed in flames. In order to bring myself out of this, I quickly tore out one more page. I heard the door to the living room open, and the wind blew even more.

    “What are you doing?”

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    “I’m burning my diary.”

    Lee Kyuwol walked out into the veranda and leaned against the wall. A faint smile stretched across his lips.

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    “While you’re burning things, can you add this to the pile as well?”

    Lee Kyuwol handed me a newspaper that had been rolled up. I didn’t hesitate to take it and threw it into the can. I could clearly see a photograph of him and me on the front page of Sports Korea.

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    Two months ago, Sports Korea published a special issue with Lee Kyuwol’s and my scandal. According to the article, after our parents’ deaths, our love overcame immorality, and all we could do was lick each others’ wounds. A swimming champion who had everything fell in love with a normal college student. Our fated meeting was exaggerated, and everyone’s imaginations ran wild. Ridiculous headlines like ‘Olympic Hero is Merely a Hot-blooded Man When Faced with Love’ were obviously meant to bring him down.

    Even though the series of events were enough to drive anyone mad, Lee Kyuwol kept his promise. Whenever reporters tried to meet with him (the reporter who wrote the original article did not even appear in front of him), he told them he would not be discussing his private life.

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    He continued to train everyday and prepare to compete, and I returned to my usual daily life as well.

    Although it didn’t look like much had changed, many things had changed a little. Lee Kyuwol no longer avoided holding my hand when we were outside, and I was the same.

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    We drank liquor like any average couple before falling into a sudden kiss. And when our bodies grew feverish, we’d go to a hotel and haphazardly take each others’ clothes off. During New Years, we drove east and watched the large, red sun rise above the sea.

    When I saw the sea for the first time in several years, I wasn’t scared. I just found it to be so beautiful. I watched the blinding sunlight scatter over the surface of the water and bid farewell to my younger self.

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    Lee Kyuwol walked across the veranda and crouched down next to me.

    “Why are you doing something like this anyway?”

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    “A crazy bitch’s diary is only perfected when it’s burned.”

    I looked at Lee Kyuwol and grinned. Lee Kyuwol knelt down and kissed me. His hair had grown a little longer and now covered his smooth forehead. When I gently brushed it away with my finger, his deep, gray eyes were revealed.

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    “I want to read them, too.”

    “…I know you’ve already taken a peek.”

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    Lee Kyuwol laughed and gently swallowed my lips. As we kissed, the fire burned my embarrassing confession into ash.

    I always wanted to become a main character.

    Even though I claimed I wanted to live a normal life, there was a desire to be a main character deep inside my heart.

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    Although I hadn’t received love from anyone, I suffered from the desire to be loved by everyone.

    Actually, I already knew this. I was a walking contradiction. I was an ugly, crooked mess.

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    The reason I grabbed Lee Kyuwol’s hand, the reason why I ‘chose’ him, was probably because he was the only person who understood my contradictions.

    Lee Kyuwol did not judge me, define me, or try to fit me into his mold. He made me lonely and consoled me. Then he broke me and built me up to be stronger.

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    Lee Kyuwol. If there was only one good thing your father ever did, it was putting the character for ‘moon’ in your name1. Just because the sun is up does not mean the moon’s existence disappears. It just means that the moon is easier to see in the dark. As long as my darkness exists, you and I can be together forever.

    The page from my dangerous, childish adolescence ends here.

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    The diary with its front pages burned… It’s up to us to take it with us to the end.

    Footnotes

    1. The 'wol' in Kyuwol is the character for 'moon'.
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