LV Chapter 1.3

After the sponsors left, Sasya went straight back to the dormitory and shut himself in his room. Not only did he skip lunch, but he also missed all his afternoon academic classes, pas de deux class, and character dance class.

“I haven’t seen Sasya around. Did anyone hear if he was sick? Does anyone know?”

At Olga’s question, the ballet mistress for the afternoon classes, the students just remained silent and looked at each other’s faces. Everyone here had seen with their own eyes how Sasya had been severely scolded and cried during the morning class attended by the sponsors. But that was just speculation, and since they didn’t know the exact reason, it was difficult to speak up. After looking around at the hesitating students, Olga, seeming to have guessed something, opened his mouth.

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“Manuel?”

The one Olga called out was Manuel, who usually stuck close to Sasya. Manuel stepped forward one step from among the lined-up students.

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“…Tell Sasya that he shouldn’t skip class without a note from the infirmary. And tell him I’ll let it slide today, but he should come explain to me later what was wrong.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

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“Good. Then shall we start today’s class?”

And at that time, Sasya had his head buried in a round bundle of blankets.

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The feeling after throwing up all the salmon he had enjoyed eating was indescribably terrible. His vocal cords, scratched by stomach acid, still burned, and there was a musty taste in his mouth.

And even more terrible than that was the fact that his sponsor, Karel Clements, didn’t remember him. It seemed he hadn’t even read any of the emails he had written until now.

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“Nnngh…”

Thinking about that fact made the tears he thought had stopped flow again. Sasya tried to shake off the unstoppable thoughts by roughly rubbing his head against the bundled blanket.

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The sponsor had told his secretary to ‘check’ the emails. That clearly meant the secretary hadn’t done his job properly. The secretary had seen the emails Sasya sent but hadn’t passed them on to the sponsor after judging that such childish, like a joke, emails couldn’t be passed on…

“I’ll kill him… ugh…”

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Unable to control his emotions, Sasya occasionally trembled because of the indignation that overwhelmed him. He couldn’t understand why he was so easily swept up in angry emotions, but right now it felt better to blame someone.

After repeatedly crying and stopping, Sasya eventually ran out of energy to squeeze out more tears and just sniffled.

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After losing even the strength to be angry, accepting reality with a cooled head left only feelings of self-deprecation. He felt like a materialistic person for expecting that the sponsor might be able to help his life even a little bit, and that made him feel even more miserable. There were about twenty students in this school who received help from Mr. Clements like himself, but that might not be all. Thinking about students in other ballet schools, or students receiving sponsorship in other fields, there could be more than 300.

But was it wrong to have even this much expectation? Sasya thought about the things he didn’t have. It’s not like he chose to be born into this environment. Other children came to this school’s audition holding their fathers’ hands. Even on the first day of entering the dormitory, while Sasya had to organize his things alone after seeing off his mother who had to leave hurriedly to catch his flight time, the parents of his roommates José and Manuel, and other children’s parents stayed in this room until roll call time approached. They touched the mattresses their sons would use, changed them with sheets from home, and were anxious about not being able to give them more stuff.

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Among these, what made Sasya’s heart hurt the most was the scene of children hugging their fathers and rubbing cheeks when saying goodbye. When Sasya witnessed such natural expressions of affection between father and son for the first time, he was surprised. As far as Sasya could remember, he had never shared such a hug with not only his father but also his mother.

He wanted to believe that the sponsor would recognize his talent… talent that even his real family, his mother, wouldn’t see.

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Sasya thrashed under the blanket. The memory of ruining his first chance to dance in front of his sponsor suddenly resurfaced.

‘If I had been even slightly conscious of my thigh hurting when doing the first grand jump… I could have managed the height without overdoing it and not messed up the steps. Vadim was right. I raised my leg too high in the attitude turn, and that threw off my balance. That’s when I lost focus.’

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Just then, there was a creaking sound of the door opening. It was Manuel who came through the door.

Manuel looked around the empty room and discovered Sasya with his face buried in the bundled blanket. His thin ankles and bare feet were sticking out from under the blanket.

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“Sasya. Aren’t you going to eat dinner?”

At the sudden familiar voice, Sasya stirred inside the blanket. Has it gotten that late already? He emerged from the blanket.

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When Sasya pulled back the blanket and came out, Manuel made a small surprised sound. Sasya’s face was a mess – his hair was disheveled as if he were crazy, and his eyes were swollen and red.

“Have you been crying since morning?”

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Sasya shook his head. Manuel didn’t believe it at all, but since he said so himself, he couldn’t press further.

“Eat something at least.”

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“I’m not hungry.”

“Didn’t you say you needed to gain weight?”

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“…”

Sasya heaved a deep sigh. He hated himself and felt pathetic for forgetting everything else when focused on one thing.

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Right, I should eat something. Thinking that, Sasya painfully got up and opened the wardrobe door next to the bed. At the same time, Manuel’s gaze followed Sasya’s stretched-out body as he stood up. Under the loose, thin white t-shirt, he wore only tight short pants, revealing his white and firm legs. However, Sasya, insensitive to this kind of gaze, rustled around opening a paper bag that was neatly stored in the wardrobe and took out a new marshmallow.

“Sasya, are you feeling down?”

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Sasya nodded silently.

“Want to do something that feels good with me?”

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“Something that feels good?”

Manuel said this while subtly moving closer to Sasya. Their legs tangled, and their bare skin beneath their shorts brushed against each other. As Manuel climbed on top, pushing Sasya to lean back and lie down, Sasya tightly gripped the marshmallow bag. He had heard that eating sweets makes you feel better. Perhaps he wants to share the marshmallows…

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But Julian had emphasized when buying these that Sasya shouldn’t share them with anyone and should eat them alone. Sasya was somewhat wary of Manuel, who was getting increasingly closer to the bag resting on his chest.

“Have you never done this before?”

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“Done what?”

“I’ll touch you first. If you like it, you can do it to me too.”

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Manuel said this and, before Sasya could catch the subtle implication, ducked under the blanket and lowered his head.

“Manuel!”

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Startled, Sasya shouted loudly. But the advancing hand invaded the shorts without any hesitation. Not satisfied with just that, Manuel buried his face in Sasya’s crotch and took a deep breath. Sasya jolted upright at the spine-tingling, creepy sensation. At the same time, the dormitory room door swung wide open.

“What’s going on? Who’s in here? …Hey! What are you two doing?”

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It was José who opened the door.

And José, surprised by the unexpected scene, quickly approached both Sasya and Manuel.

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“Are you fighting? Sasya! Stop it!”

José grabbed the collar of Sasya’s shirt and forcefully pulled them apart. With a choked sound, Sasya tumbled backward and looked up at José with a bewildered face.

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And as soon as José separated Sasya from Manuel, he quickly turned to Manuel.

“My God, look at all this blood… What did you do? Sasya, why did you turn Manuel’s face into a bloody mess?”

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“Ah, no… I…”

Manuel was coughing and spitting blood with a red face, and José looked at Sasya expecting an explanation. Sasya just stumbled over his words, greatly confused. He still couldn’t grasp what had happened in such a short time.

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He had only reflexively kicked him out because he was so startled when Manuel buried his face in such a place. Something hard had connected with his heel, but he didn’t know it was Manuel’s chin. Manuel, who had bitten his tongue in an instant, was bleeding so much that the front of his t-shirt was soaked.

“Manuel, you need to go to the infirmary right away. And Sasya, you’ll need to explain yourself.”

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José supported Manuel and rushed out of the room.

For a while, Sasya sat alone in the unbelievably quiet dormitory room, dumbfounded. It was as if a typhoon had passed through, leaving devastation in its wake. The creepy breath that had touched his groin, Manuel’s clothes soaked in bright red blood, and José’s contemptuous gaze were still vivid.

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And after how many minutes had passed? Several groups of children who had been chattering noisily from the corridor burst in.

“Sasya! We heard you got into a fight with Manuel?”

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“You’ve got quite a punch. That guy’s blood flooded the corridor!”

“What did he say? What did that jerk say to make you teach him a lesson?”

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The immature children were buzzing with excitement. They seemed to think a proper showdown had occurred during their monotonous school life.

Some guy burrowed into Sasya’s side and raised his blood-stained fist like a victor—it was blood that had gotten on him while trying to clean up what Manuel had spilled—while another guy draped Sasya’s blood-stained blanket over his shoulders like a matador and ran around the room frantically.

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And this commotion finally subsided when…

“Sasya. The housemother is calling for you.”

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Because of the unfortunate news brought by a messenger, the children booed. The timid messenger became even more dejected after being scolded for spoiling the mood.

And until then, the still-dazed Sasya finally managed to put on his pants and left the room. Sasya’s steps toward Julia, the housemother, were heavy and dragging.

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***

“I didn’t mean to hit him.”

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Sasya explained to Julia, who was looking at him with stern eyes.

“Yes, Sasya, I understand your intention. Maybe you truly didn’t want to hit Manuel. But one fact I know is that Manuel, who was with you, was seriously injured. So can you tell me how this result came about, what happened before?”

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“That…”

Julia, though understanding, was staring at Sasya with eyes that clearly drew a line. It was her usual attitude. She wants to help, but that would only be the case if he were innocent.

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“I was alone in the room… and Manuel came in.”

“Yes, and?”

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“Manuel asked if I had eaten dinner…”

And then, and then…

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Sasya’s lips moved several times to speak. But in the end, he couldn’t continue with the story about how Manuel tried to remove his underwear and tried to put what was inside in his mouth, and how he had kicked out reflexively without meaning to.

Because now he seemed to understand.

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Manuel probably liked him.

Now he really seemed to understand where his strangely kind attitude and expectant glances came from. And Sasya knew that some guys at the ballet school sometimes felt uncomfortable around Manuel. Manuel was often teased for his strangely feminine gestures and way of speaking, though he seemed unfazed.

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Buzzing voices floated in Sasya’s ears. The words that teased, ‘Do you want to become a woman too?’, the voices that condemned ballet as something only gay people do… Manuel probably had to endure the same words in his childhood. While it wasn’t true for Sasya, it might have been even more painful for Manuel because it was true for him.

That’s why he couldn’t say it with his own mouth. The thought that he shouldn’t say it took hold of Sasya.

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Glancing at Julia and watching her reaction, instead of explaining further, Sasya carefully asked,

“…What did Manuel say?”

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“Manuel…”

Julia sighed and removed her glasses, placing them on the desk. Her tired and annoyed attitude made Sasya feel small.

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“He’s still being treated. They said he needs stitches, so he’s at the hospital now. I’ll ask him myself once the treatment is finished.”

Sasya lowered his head again.

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Indeed, it would be better to let Manuel tell the truth. He couldn’t carelessly expose Manuel’s secret.

“…Then ask Manuel. I can’t say it.”

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“Alright.”

Julia, though puzzled, surprisingly accepted it.

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“You may go now.”

“Thank you.”

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Sasya stood up from the chair. He had visited the office twice in the past week, a place he rarely needed to visit. Realizing this made his heart heavy.

“Oh, Sasya. I heard you were absent from all your afternoon classes today?”

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Julia asked just as he was about to push open the door. Sasya turned back around.

“Yes, that’s right.”

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“Olga said you need to submit an absence note.”

“Understood.”

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And Sasya bowed goodbye again and left the office.

While crossing the corridor, Sasya realized he was a mess. Eyes swollen from crying, disheveled hair, Manuel’s blood on his hands and clothes, and a scab on his knee from when he fell following Karel in the morning. His left thigh ached with every step, and his stomach was also upset from barely eating anything all day.

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When Sasya returned to his room and headed straight to the bathroom, no one spoke to him.

Sasya particularly felt that José was treating him like an invisible person. It seemed there had been a misunderstanding. However, Sasya, who didn’t want to think about anything anymore, silently stripped the blood-soaked bed sheets and threw them in the laundry room. Then he lay his tired body down on the bare mattress.

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And two days later, Sasya faced shocking news.

On the notice board in the corridor on the way to class.

Sasya read the content again slowly with wide eyes.

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‘Dormitory eviction order’.

It meant he had to leave immediately and find a place to live.

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Students passing through the corridor glanced at Sasya, the protagonist of the violent incident. Even the students who had praised Sasya as a victor that day just patted his shoulders and walked away. Sasya’s eyes trembled uncontrollably as he repeatedly read the words ‘eviction order’.

Sasya turned his feet from where he had stopped in front of the board and headed toward the housemother’s office. Walking in the opposite direction of everyone heading to class, he soon began to run. The sports bag on his shoulder slipped to his arm, and his inflamed thigh felt stiff. Some children whispered as they watched Sasya running like that.

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‘I envy the suspension. I wish I could take ten days off from ballet too’

‘Still, eviction is harsh. How can you find a place to live in Manhattan that’s not the dormitory?’

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Sasya’s insides turned at the whispers about him. He felt suffocated, thinking he was being mocked for being pushed into an unbearable situation.

Sasya, who had been running frantically, stopped in place. Breathing heavily, he looked back… but strangely, there was no one around.

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“Haa… Haa…”

Sasya looked at the empty end of the corridor. The owners of the voices that had been mocking him were nowhere to be seen. It was already class time, so all the students were in their practice rooms.

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Sasya swallowed dryly. He couldn’t be sure if someone had really been talking about him. It could have all been auditory hallucinations. In that moment, Sasya remembered his father, who would hit his head saying mold had grown in his brain, and would strike his hunched back with his belt.

The words that made Sasya miserable would pierce his eardrums at exactly the right times. If it hadn’t been for his father’s discipline, he wouldn’t have known that he sometimes heard hallucinations.

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While blaming himself like this, Sasya stood in front of the housemother’s office door.

After knocking and opening the door… he would ask Julia what happened with the suspension and eviction. If all of this was just a delusion from his confused mind, Julia might respond to Sasya’s question with ‘What are you talking about?’ and tell him to ‘Hurry up and get to class before you’re late.’

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However, shortly after.

“It’s not because of your sexual orientation. We’re not interested in who you like. More precisely, we try not to be interested. However, it’s problematic when your personal issues affect everyone else.”

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Julia was saying things that made absolutely no sense to him.

“The environment in a ballet company… as you know, once you join, you might work with the same team for decades. If you become a teacher or staff member here after retirement, it could be for life. The dance world is very small, and for dancers, colleagues are more important than dancing itself.”

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“…”

“Manuel’s parents strongly insisted on expulsion, but after watching you for a year, we decided to give you another chance. That’s because you, Sasya Shchedrin, are a student with truly excellent talent. And adolescence is an age where there’s plenty of potential for change.”

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“…”

“However, in the time remaining until graduation, you need to repair your relationships with your friends and prove that your sexual orientation won’t cause any troubles. Then everything will flow smoothly without problems.”

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“…”

“Can you show us that you’re remorseful? Sasya.”

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Listening to Julia’s words, Sasya lowered his head. He tightly gripped his scabbed, injured knee. He tried not to cry since he hadn’t done anything wrong, but thick tears fell anyway.

“No. I… didn’t do anything wrong.”

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“Sasya.”

He should have spoken up sooner. He should have protected himself before Manuel could lie. But was it wrong to trust a friend? No matter how much he thought about it, Sasya couldn’t find what he had done wrong.

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“And I’m not gay. I never tried to do anything inappropriate to Manuel. Really. I was wrong to hit him, hic, I’m sorry for hurting him too, sob, but…”

With tears streaming down his cheeks, Sasya hiccupped while pleading his case. However, when he raised his head and met Julia’s eyes, he was shocked to see her looking at him with a more emotionless expression than he expected. She clearly thought he was crying because he was scared of the suspension and dormitory eviction, and that he was making excuses now, making up lies.

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“Don’t worry too much, Sasya. Vadim said you could stay at his place for about a week. We’ll also help you look for suitable rental properties. Would you like to tell your parents yourself?”

At Julia’s words, Sasya shook his head vigorously. A suppressed cry burst out. “Hnnngh.” If he told his mother that he could no longer receive dormitory support due to an unfortunate incident and needed to find a new room, she would sigh and tell him to come back home. Sasya absolutely could not afford rent that exceeded $2,000 per month.

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“Please let me meet with Manuel. Manuel probably didn’t know it would turn out like this either. If he’s with me, Manuel won’t be able to lie. So…”

When Sasya begged, Julia shook his head.

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“Manuel is still in the hospital. And when he’s discharged, he’ll return to France immediately with his parents. You know, right? Both of Manuel’s parents are ballet dancers, and… haah… his father has such a hot temper. Anyway, he’ll rest and receive treatment in France for a while and return next semester. He might even stay in France permanently.”

This thunderbolt news shattered Sasya’s hopes completely.

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Julia, perhaps feeling sorry for Sasya who couldn’t stop crying, said he would ask around to see if any school staff members could take in boarders.

In the end, Sasya left the office crying, having resolved nothing.

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Going to the dormitory, Sasya listlessly stuffed his few clothes into a sports bag. It seemed better to leave the dormitory now rather than pack his belongings in a room where no one would speak to him.

Even while packing, tears kept flowing, and Sasya repeatedly buried his face in the bed to cry out loud. He neatly folded the sheet that still had discolored stains from blood that hadn’t completely washed out, just as when he first received it, and placed it on the bed. He packed all his miscellaneous items like chargers and alarm clocks into an elegant department store paper bag that had once contained marshmallows. He had minimal luggage, the most that could be carried in both hands.

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Sitting on the bed before leaving, Sasya thought.

I’m so scared.

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He was terrified that he might have completely ruined everything with what happened. The saying that colleagues were more important than dancing, and the importance of character for dancers, were things Sasya had heard until his ears hurt.

Until now, he had thought that if he maintained his status as a top student, there would be a possibility of joining a ballet company. But what if this incident became an excuse to reject him? If he got rejected everywhere… Sasya sniffled again silently.

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He resented Manuel. While he couldn’t even speak about what had actually happened, Manuel had lied so easily. Yet he felt envious and hurt that Manuel had parents who took his side.

He remembered what the children had whispered about at the beginning of school. Because both of Manuel’s parents were famous ballet dancers, he received special treatment from teachers. While many were jealous of him for that, Sasya wasn’t. Rather, he had felt sorry for Manuel, who maintained a strange distance from everyone else.

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But now he could understand those words.

Perhaps even if the truth came to light, the teachers might take Manuel’s side, backed by his parents’ influence. He had heard that Manuel had been in and out of his parents’ rehearsal studio since he was a baby, and when his parents had rehearsals, dancers of similar age to Manuel’s parents would take care of him. Ballet stars that Sasya could never hope to approach were uncles and aunts to Manuel. It was completely different from Sasya’s humble situation, where he couldn’t continue school if his scholarship was cut off. It was all too clear whose side the school would take.

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Sunset light was already seeping through the window. To leave before it got later, Sasya sighed and stood up.

And before completely leaving Lincoln Center, the existence of Karel Clementz crossed Sasya’s mind.

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After much deliberation, Sasya sat near the central fountain and opened his phone’s email app. Then he began writing a new email to the sponsor who had received many emails from him before.

Writing the email, Sasya sighed and turned off his phone screen.

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Writing sentences in English, a foreign language, was always difficult. Trying to convey his intentions eloquently made him feel even more limited. Or was it just a matter of expression? Sasya had always struggled with essays and debates in his academic classes.

Even now, as he wrote the email, he lost sight of what he wanted to say to his sponsor, losing even his purpose. The direction of the writing became strange with each period he placed at the end of a sentence. Especially while writing about hitting Manuel, he became confused as he felt like the perpetrator even to himself.

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And even if he sent it… the secretary might not pass it to him.

Sasya held his head for a moment, thinking so hard it gave him a headache. It was already questionable whether to ask to borrow money for a competition by being an excellent student, but asking for rent money after causing a violent incident seemed excessively shameless.

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‘Stay at Vadim’s house? No way.’

Sasya thought that no matter what happened, he would never voluntarily go to Vadim’s house. It was hard enough being bullied at school, but having to face Vadim at home too… He might make him skip meals for a thinner physique and make him sleep while stretching in the most painful frog position.

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Unable to do either, Sasya sat alone in the plaza until the sun set completely.

And when the sun had completely set, people dressed up for evening performances began gathering. He could also see Juilliard students with instruments on their backs crossing the plaza to get dinner. Thinking he might run into Julian, Sasya moved to a spot near a large tree where he could hide.

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“…Hello. Levin? Can you take a call right now?”

After struggling for a long time, the person Sasya contacted was Levin.

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After sitting in front of the Lincoln Center fountain until the last subway, Sasya took the subway to Williamsburg. When he quietly knocked on the door of the house he had visited a few times before, Levin quickly came out from inside.

“Sasya, I’m sorry. Were you outside until this hour?”

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“I’m fine.”

When Sasya called, Levin had said she wouldn’t finish work until midnight. With no other option since he couldn’t enter the empty house first, he had waited until now. Concerned about Sasya whose cheeks were red from the chilly weather, Levin led the boy into the women-only zone.

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This house, secured with multiple locks including a wooden door, metal door, and bolt, was shared by four women who each had their reasons for needing to live near Manhattan. This was also why Sasya had hesitated to call Levin. Since it wasn’t Levin’s house alone, it was difficult to ask to stay over carelessly.

“The cutie is here again.”

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“Sasya, would you like some pizza too?”

Hungry because of the smell of pizza, Sasya nodded without thinking and approached the women gathered in the kitchen.

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“Look at these chubby cheeks. My nephew is sixteen too but so dark and smelly, so why is Sasya like a baby?”

“Sasya, have you not eaten dinner? Have some cola too.”

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Sasya wolfed down a pizza larger than his palm in just two bites and reached for another. For Sasya’s sake, someone grilled sausages to make hot dogs, and someone else thawed brownies that had been kept in the freezer.

Levin watched her roommates with narrowed eyes as she fawned over Sasya, the young ballet dancer. They all warmly welcomed this harmless and gentle sixteen-year-old boy. But from Levin’s perspective, it was worrying how Sasya would let anyone pet his head or sit on their lap if they just gave him food. Even more so because she knew her playful roommates well.

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“Sasya, if you’re done eating, go take a warm shower and then get to bed. It’s almost 1 A.M already.”

At Levin’s almost nanny-like words, the roommates rolled their eyes and jeered, but still cleaned up the food. Meanwhile, Sasya hurriedly reached for the brownie he had been saving, afraid it might get thrown away.

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Three women waved goodbye, saying “See you tomorrow” to Sasya. Levin brought Sasya’s sports bag and paper bag to the living room.

In the two-bedroom apartment, two of them shared the large room, another had the small room, and Levin used the living room. Between the kitchen and living room, there was a dark tapestry hung to protect her privacy, and Sasya felt a strange comfort in this space.

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“I’m going to shower.”

“Okay, is it alright if I sleep on the couch?”

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“Of course.”

And after entering the bathroom, Sasya felt drowsy immediately as hot water poured over his body. He hadn’t eaten properly all day, had cried too much, and had wandered outside for eight hours. Fatigue overtook his entire body.

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Unlike the dormitory bathroom that smelled of disinfectant and ordinary soap, Levin’s apartment bathtub had sweet scents like peach, lemon, and hibiscus. Sasya grabbed a random unfamiliar shampoo and lathered it all over his hair and body at once. Then, sitting on the edge of the tub, he poured hot water over himself again. An overwhelming sleepiness came over him.

Eventually, Sasya fell asleep while leaning against the sink with his eyes closed. He didn’t even know his phone, carelessly stuffed deep in his bag, was ringing off the hook.

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***

Sasya naturally opened his eyes to the sunlight shining on his eyelids.

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Sunlight squeezed through the gap in the curtains, tickling his eyes. After lying there blankly for a moment, Sasya rolled over to his side and noticed an unfamiliar, fragrant smell coming from his body and blanket.

“Sasya. Are you up now?”

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Sasya bolted upright, thinking he was late for morning class, and looked around for a moment. The interior decorated with cute plants, macramé, and tapestries was unfamiliar. Rubbing his still sleepy eyes, Sasya belatedly remembered that he didn’t have to go to school for ten days due to being suspended.

“You fell asleep in the bathtub while bathing yesterday.”

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“I did?”

“Yeah. Don’t you remember? If Emily hadn’t woken you up, you might have frozen to death in there.”

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Sasya recalled the hazy memories of last night. Someone opened the door—which Sasya remembered as the room door, but was actually the bathroom door—and made a fuss, forcing him to open his eyes and put on clothes haphazardly over his wet body before leaving the bathroom. He had been so sleepy and out of it that he thought it was just a dream…

However, his usually sleek black hair that normally fell straight down was either sticking up in the air or pressed down unattractively, proving that he had gone to sleep without drying it. While Sasya was rubbing both eyes, Levin urged him again to eat breakfast.

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“I have class right now so I need to leave. They said they left your portion in the kitchen. Eat breakfast and make sure to thank them.”

“Okay. When will you be back?”

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“I’ll probably finish very late today too.”

Saying this in a slightly apologetic voice, Levin skillfully packed books and notebooks into a large backpack. At the same time, her eyes quickly searched for a hair tie while shouldering the bag, and she tightly tied her messy blonde hair.

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Watching Levin looking so busy, Sasya asked again.

“Can I come to the school later?”

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“My school?”

“Yeah. Won’t you be lonely eating lunch alone?”

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“Can you come and go back that quickly? What about your classes…”

“I don’t have to go to school today.”

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Finally pocketing the keys, Levin paused her actions and looked at Sasya, sensing something strange. Sasya sat on the couch, occasionally dangling his thin legs. Unlike his calm voice, he kept his head down and avoided eye contact, somehow lacking confidence.

“Is it a school holiday?”

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Levin asked suspiciously.

“No, but I don’t have to go.”

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Although Sasya shook his head, he stubbornly kept his mouth shut and never explained why he didn’t have to go to school.

Levin sighed briefly. It was her mistake for simply thinking he wanted to visit her because he was lonely. As Sasya was studying abroad alone at such a young age, separated from his family and not yet fluent in the language, when he felt down, he would often come over like this and wordlessly ask to stay the night. Like a typical teenager, he didn’t like sharing his worries, so she deliberately didn’t pry. Perhaps this was the result of that accumulated neglect.

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“You had tons of calls last night… Have you checked them?”

“…I’ll check now.”

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At Levin’s words, Sasya was startled and didn’t act natural at all, pretending as if he had known about that all along. Although his behaviour was obviously odd, Levin didn’t press further.

“Okay. Your phone seems to be off. You should charge it first.”

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“I will.”

Watching Sasya lie down on the couch to connect the charger and turn on his phone, Levin worried if she might have ended up taking in a runaway teenager.

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But if she asked Julian for advice, he would probably show no mercy and turn him over to the NYPD right away, reporting him as a missing teenager.

Levin decided to end the conversation there for now.

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“Alright. Then come to my school later. I’ll buy you lunch.”

“Okay… What are we eating?”

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“How about Shake Shack?”

At Levin’s words, Sasya nodded energetically. That was his ‘I love that idea.’ And Levin, who couldn’t stay any longer, left the house after entrusting Sasya to her roommates.

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The sound of Levin and the roommates exchanging brief goodbyes, and then the distant sound of the front door closing, could be heard. Sasya let out a heavy sigh and stared at the black screen of his uncharged phone. The good mood from Levin’s offer to buy hamburgers was short-lived, and Sasya became completely dejected again.

His mother might have called after hearing the terrible news about his suspension from school and the order to leave the dormitory. He wasn’t afraid of her getting angry. Since learning that his father had always hit him when no one was watching, his mother never got angry with him. She would just be disappointed. And hearing his mother’s disappointed sighs was one of the things Sasya really hated.

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Or it could be Julia. She might push apartment listings at him, saying she found a nice room in the Upper West Side close to school for $4,000 a month. There was no way he could afford $4,000 when he was already stretching the $400 support from school.

‘What should I do? How can I find money and a place to live?’

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Sasya turned on his phone with a heavy heart. And shortly after, the number of missed calls he saw was…

‘120 calls?’

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Sasya was so surprised that he threw his phone right there. At the same time, someone slightly lifted the tapestry and spoke.

“Sasya, aren’t you eating breakfast? If you don’t want to come to the kitchen, I can bring it to you.”

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Emily, Levin’s roommate, was standing there with a plate in his hand. Sasya, who didn’t want to check who the missed calls were from, quickly shook his head and got up to go to the kitchen.

While eating breakfast with a completely different menu from usual—granola, low-fat yogurt, salad with chickpeas and tomatoes—Sasya asked Levin’s roommates how to make a lot of money. He hadn’t asked with much expectation, but Emily made an unexpected suggestion. She said they were always looking for help where she worked.

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“There’s a spot open today, want to come?”

“How much do they pay?”

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“Should be around $20 per hour.”

“I’ll do it.”

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And after thoroughly combing his hair that had been sticking up from being wet, Sasya followed Emily out. From what he heard in the brief explanation, it wasn’t particularly difficult work. Emily worked for a large clothing brand and knew a lot about sample sales, which often paid daily wages. Many people, especially students like Sasya, took on these irregular jobs.

‘Why didn’t anyone tell me these places existed? There are jobs if you look for them. Julian is an incompetent.’

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Excited but nervous about being able to earn $20 per hour, Sasya visited the site. The manager Emily introduced him to was a middle-aged man who looked even stricter than Julian, and it was obvious from his expression that he didn’t trust Sasya much, even giving orders word by word without making eye contact.

But Sasya, used to Vadim’s harsh teaching, wasn’t particularly hurt by such a tone. Rather, he thought he should endure this much if he wanted to get paid.

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‘I’ve matured now too. I can handle this much more easily.’

Although he had to run while carrying more than twenty pieces of clothing at once and breathe in lots of dust among mountains of clothes, Sasya, who was confident in his stamina from regularly doing ballet classes for more than eight hours a day, worked tirelessly without knowing fatigue.

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And by the time work was ending, even the site manager seemed to recognize Sasya’s true value. He was particularly satisfied with how customers who came with complaints would easily back down just from seeing Sasya’s slightly troubled face.

While handing over the daily wages, the site manager asked with a stern face.

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“How old did you say you were?”

“I’m… eighteen.”

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“Really? You look too young. Anyway, call me anytime if you want to work again. I’ll write a recommendation for you.”

The site manager handed Sasya a business card. Sasya’s heart pounded strongly as he received yet another adult’s business card.

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The fact that he was good at something and that someone who once disliked him had recognized him in just one day made his chest swell. Moreover, there were 200 dollars in his pants pocket from today’s work. It was the first money he had earned through labor. Although it was just a simple day of work, Sasya thought he had accomplished something significant.

Sasya carefully folded the money and placed it in his pants pocket, continuously touching the spot where the money was, as he walked out of the building.

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As he stepped onto the SoHo street where the sample sale had been, it was already twilight. Sasya, slightly disoriented, suddenly remembered that he was supposed to have lunch with Levin today.

‘I didn’t even bring my phone… This is bad.’

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Sasya hoped that Levin had waited for him for about ten minutes before getting tired and eating a hamburger alone. Then he ran to catch the subway as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, it was exactly rush hour, and the subway was packed without room to move. Clutching the pocket with his money tightly, Sasya squeezed through the crowd, heading to Levin’s place.

As he got off the subway and walked through a familiar alley, Sasya noticed police cars filling the street.

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‘Wow, what’s this?’

He had never seen so many police cars at once. Curious, Sasya approached the police cars.

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There were five NYPD police cars and three tall van-type police vehicles. The police gathered in groups were all large, with guns holstered at their waists. Seeing real guns, Sasya got excited.

‘How cool… But why are there so many policemen here? Is there an armed robbery?’

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Worried that there might be an armed robbery in Levin’s neighborhood, Sasya lingered near the closest police officer. When the officers didn’t seem to notice him, he eventually tapped the officer’s thick arm.

The large officer looking around quickly spotted the boy whose line of sight was around his chest.

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“Hmm? Who are you?”

“Excuse me… sir. Is there an armed robbery around here?”

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“No? We’re looking for someone.”

“Are you looking for an armed robber then?”

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“No armed robber, boy, this is simply a missing person case.”

The smirking policeman noticed Sasya’s gaze fixed on the gun at his waist and smiled. His look suggested that he was thinking, ‘All kids are the same at this age.’

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“Hey, kiddo. Do you want to be a police officer?”

“No? I want to be a ballet dancer. But guns are cool. I’ve touched prop guns before. They looked just like real ones…”

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At that moment, another police officer from far away called out to the officer talking to Sasya.

“Hey! David! Who’s that kid next to you?”

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The officer, who had replied to his colleague ‘just a kid!’, suddenly seemed to realize something and looked back and forth between his colleague and Sasya. Sasya looked up at the officer examining him closely.

A sixteen-year-old ballet school student, a black-haired boy speaking English with a Russian accent.

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“It’s him!”

“What?”

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“Got him!”

The moment Sasya asked back, two police officers placed their large hands on Sasya’s shoulders. Without even enjoying his trip back to Williamsburg on the crowded subway, Sasya was seated in the back of a police car and taken back to Manhattan.

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The road into Manhattan during evening hours was heavily congested.

Sasya curiously looked around the police car he was riding in for the first time, and after getting used to it, he repeatedly asked where he was going. Am I going to the police station or to jail? He wanted to explain that he hadn’t done anything wrong to go to jail, but the policemen were busy talking on their radios and didn’t listen to his questions.

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“Yes, I’ve picked him up.”

“It’ll take about an hour to reach the location.”

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“Oh, where should I drop him off? What’s the address again…”

The police were busy reporting to someone and seemed to ignore Sasya’s existence. Although he tried to listen carefully, he couldn’t recognize a single word because of his heavy accent. His imagination ran wild, eventually wondering if he was being kidnapped.

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At school, they had always said to seek help from the school in such situations. However, he was currently suspended. In other words, the school had already given up on him. Thinking this far, an ominous feeling overwhelmed Sasya. Only those who weren’t entirely innocent had this anxiety.

He had heard American police were lazy, so he didn’t know they worked so diligently.

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‘Did Manuel’s father report to the American police? Maybe he wasn’t satisfied with complaining to the school… Or… Ah! That’s it. I was caught working while hiding that I’m a minor. Now I’ll lose my 200 dollars and probably be permanently deported from the U.S.?’

Imagining the worst scenarios, Sasya became increasingly quiet, and by the time the police car stopped, he was thinking it might be better to just bite his tongue and die.

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“Hey, kid. Get out quickly.”

“Are you crying? You were very surprised, huh.”

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“Ngh…”

The police pulled Sasya’s arms and legs to drag him out of the back seat when he resisted getting out. Struggling helplessly and falling to the ground, Sasya once again hit his already injured knee. As he hugged his painful knee and made a grimace, a familiar face rushed towards him from the opposite side.

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“Sasya! You brat, what a troublemaker you are!”

Rushing towards him with a face like a demon from hell was none other than Vadim. Sasya, pale with shock, tried to crawl away but was grabbed by the nape of his neck by the police and thrown into Vadim’s house.

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***

“This damn brat.”

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Vadim forcibly sat Sasya at the dining table, grinding his teeth. He had just received Sasya’s sports bag, which Sasya had left behind, through the police. Looking at it from any angle, it was the ‘luggage of a runaway youth’. As he put it down next to Sasya, Vadim sighed.

The reckless teenage boy who had left school without saying a word, packed his bags, and didn’t even come to the temporary place he was supposed to stay – his actions were driving Vadim crazy. Even after causing such a commotion that the police had to be called, I can’t figure out what exactly he thinks he did right to be pouting like that. Thinking about how the entire staff at the school had been turned upside down because Sasya had disappeared without a trace made his blood pressure rise.

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「Don’t even think about eating warm food! You need to be grateful for being fed and sheltered, you punk. Isn’t this what you missed, which is why you caused trouble and ran away from school?」

Vadim shouted in an agitated Russian.

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He continued talking while removing the cloth he had placed over the dishes.

“…”

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Sasya stared at the table full of various foods. As Vadim said, all the food had gone cold. However, the table was neatly set with food for two, suggesting he had intended to eat together.

Glancing at the table, Sasya said,

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「I… won’t eat.」

「Disrespectful child!」

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Vadim cursed while putting lasagna in the oven. The oven handle vibrated with a shock from the forceful closing.

Then Sasya discovered a bagel with smoked salmon and cream cheese on the table. He thought it would taste good even when cold. Taking a big bite, he suddenly realized how hungry he was.

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Come to think of it, he had eaten a smoked salmon cream cheese bagel not long ago. Although he had thrown up at the time, it had been delicious when he had eaten it.

He wondered if Vadim was the one who had put breakfast in his locker that morning.

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「You need to gain weight. You can only obtain a dancer’s body by eating the right amount at the right times. If you skip meals and eat whatever you want whenever you want, you’ll get unwanted fat in ugly places like your belly, arms, and chin.」

Saying this, Vadim lightly slapped Sasya’s arm, flat belly, and chubby cheeks. Sasya only frowned.

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「Where did you sleep last night?」

Instead of answering, Sasya just chewed the food stuffed in his mouth. That was his private life. He didn’t need to report every detail to Vadim.

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But there was one thing that worried him, so after swallowing the food, he asked,

「Did you also inform my mother?」

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Vadim shook his head with a disgusted expression. Sasya thought this was somewhat fortunate. That meant, by his estimation, there were no calls among the 120 calls from his mother. He wouldn’t have to hear her immediate order to return home, which made Sasya feel relieved.

After finishing dinner, Vadim brought him a glass of warm milk with sugar. While checking the missed calls on his phone, Sasya noticed several unknown numbers.

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[Vadim (3)

Julia (2)

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Dormitory Office (1)

José (2)]

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These were calls from stored contacts. The remaining hundred or so calls were from unsaved, unknown numbers. Since the school was apparently turned upside down because of him yesterday, all staff at Lincoln Center might have called once.

Thinking that he had worried even strangers made Sasya feel guilty.

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“Levin? I’m at a teacher’s house… Yes. Don’t worry. I’ll pick up my things tomorrow. Levin, did you eat at Shake Shack for lunch? Oh, and I rode in a police car today, you know? The police took me to the teacher’s house…”

Just as Levin called, Sasya calmly explained the day’s events.

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Meanwhile, Vadim was busily moving blankets and pillows in the living room to prepare a place for Sasya to sleep. After finishing, he turned on something on the living room TV. The 4:3 ratio screen felt like an old video, and the audio quality was so noisy that you could barely understand the original sound.

However, the screen’s colors were surprisingly vivid.

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“Yeah… Sleep well, Levin.”

After hanging up the phone, Sasya burrowed deep into the blanket. Vadim had turned on the TV and seemed to have gone to do the dishes. Sounds of clinking dishes and water running could be heard from the kitchen.

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Sasya turned his gaze to the screen. As if to prove he wasn’t just some ballet master, Vadim had left on a ballet performance video.

「Sasya Shchedrin. You share a name with a legendary dancer.」

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Vadim, who had finished doing the dishes and brought his share of coffee, sat down beside him and spoke.

Sasya slipped out from under the blanket and leaned his back against the sofa, drawing his legs together and hugging them. Then, resting his chin on his knees, he stared at the screen. The only light illuminating the dark living room was from the TV screen. A dim light flickered across Sasya’s face.

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The old-fashioned screen seemed strange at first, but as soon as a face appeared, Sasya could immediately recognize who it was. Black hair, black eyes, a beautifully sculpted and tragic face with elaborate makeup on pale skin illuminated by the lights.

「I know him.」

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Portraits of respected dancers who had been with the ballet company were hung throughout the school, and this was true for Sasya Shchedrin as well. Even the largest hall in the ballet studio, where the ceiling was pierced to let light pour beautifully, was named the ‘Shchedrin Studio’. Traditionally, studio names were given after significant donors or artists who contributed greatly to the ballet company. That such a prominent hall was named after him was something he couldn’t help but know.

「This is a recently remastered version. We added color to what was originally a black-and-white screen. We put special effort into the costumes. Consider it an honor. This hasn’t been released yet.」

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「…」

「Have you ever properly seen hi?」

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「No, never.」

Sasya carefully observed the man on the screen. Even though it was a ballet performance, there were unusually many close-ups of his face.

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In his eyes, while portraying a lowly, abandoned character, deep sadness and fear seemed to overflow. His eyes were so moist it seemed he was genuinely crying. For young Sasya, who was in the midst of receiving technical ballet training, the entire acting in the performance felt so new. Perhaps it was because his expressions were as dramatic as those of movie actors.

「That’s a true artist.」

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「…」

Sasya did not respond. He couldn’t agree.

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And in fact, Sasya didn’t particularly like this man. The reason was simple. Whenever he introduced himself, everyone would tell him to become ‘another Sasya Shchedrin.’ Everyone who had even a slight interest in ballet. Vadim, Julia, the school staff, his ballet teacher from his hometown, even his classmates who entered at the same time as him…

Just by having the name Sasya Shchedrin, people held expectations. Although he was young, Sasya easily understood that people were projecting the past onto him rather than seeing him as himself.

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Anyway, hearing his name so often that it was etched into his ears, Sasya had developed a strange competitive spirit towards him. That’s why he deliberately didn’t watch his videos.

「I’m not even sure if he’s that good… Isn’t he just popular because he’s good-looking?」

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「What?」

「…People praise and love him, so he can perform just like that, right?」

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「I knew you were bad at ballet, but I didn’t realize you were blind too.」

Vadim scolded him. A large, thick hand waving in front of his face threatened to slap his cheek for his impertinence. But Sasya did not bend his opinion.

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In his mind, there were many dancers with similar talent. Just living a life of success through dance would bring anyone confidence, which at some point becomes true skill. People cannot criticize the flaws of those labeled as legends, so only praise remains. If they had instead showered him with love and praise, he might have become even better.

「The way his gaze followed his left hand earlier—that wasn’t intentional, was it?」

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「What?」

「He should have looked far to the right. That would’ve looked better. But he did it without realizing.」

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「How would you know that?」

「Just watch.」

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Sasya stood up and mimicked the pose of the man on the screen. He shifted his weight forward, taking an attitude plié position, and with a cambré, he slowly turned half a rotation. It was more like a slow promenade¹ than a turn.

Vadim watched Sasya interpreting a choreography he didn’t know in his own way with a complex expression in the dimly lit living room. Even though Sasya was standing on the carpet and blanket, his balance was perfect, and the expression of his arms, stretched to their limit with his back pulled down tightly, was flawlessly beautiful.

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After completing the movement, Sasya said to Vadim as if seeking his approval.

「When the center of gravity shifts like this, leaving the gaze over there creates a more lingering effect.」

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「Don’t be so cheeky. That’s why you’re just a greenhorn.」

Then Vadim’s words turned into a lecture. Ballet isn’t about obsessing over specific skills, but about surveying the overall performance and feeling with the heart how the artist uses their body as a tool to convey a feeling. Even if there might be one or two parts that weren’t supposed to happen or mistakes, this person is a true artist who delivers something to the audience, and he didn’t spare his praise.

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Sasya couldn’t completely deny that. While first watching the video, he had wondered why they were close-upping the dancer’s face rather than his movements. But soon he realized the reason. From the first moment of seeing his face, a feeling of deep sorrow was perfectly conveyed.

‘No wonder he’s disappointed in me when he’s always watching this.’

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Sasya felt gloomy. He even thought that ballet teachers should prohibit watching legendary videos.

「You understand? You should take this as your model.」

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「…」

「Anyone can do ballet. But ballet is a cruel field—it’s one where your limits are already clearly defined from the moment you’re born. And Sasya, fortunately for you, you’ve already been blessed with what you need to be born with. Do you understand how much of a blessing that is? There are countless people who give up this path because their knees are a little bigger, their insteps are flat, or their Achilles tendon are too short.」

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Saying this, Vadim strongly gripped Sasya’s bare foot with his strong grip before letting go. His flexible instep curved into an arch before relaxing back to its original position.

「You must dance like this too, Sasya Shchedrin.」

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「…」

「Oh? You’re not answering?」

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「…Yes.」

Satisfied with his barely audible response, Vadim nodded.

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Vadim returned to his room without turning off the TV.

Sasya watched the video repeatedly through the night and finally fell asleep at dawn. The words to dance ‘like Sasya Shchedrin’ kept ringing in his ears.

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‘I’m Sasya Shchedrin too…’

The remote control soon fell from Sasya’s hand. Even with the light pouring from the TV disrupting his dreams, Sasya fell asleep soundly.

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***

During the three days of staying at Vadim’s house, Sasya found every possible way to annoy Vadim. One day he left, claiming he had a sample sale job, and returned twelve hours later with his clothes drenched in sweat. Another day, he left for the Upper East Side, saying he had gotten a part-time job teaching ballet privately. It seemed he was told never to come back due to his lack of teaching talent, which was fortunate.

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Moreover, Sasya refused the nutritionally balanced meal Vadim prepared for dancers and instead bought and ate junk food like burgers and chocolates and marshmallows with the money he earned. When Vadim grew suspicious of Sasya always taking his clothes out in the shower, he discovered the large inflammation on Sasya’s thigh.

Only then did Vadim finally understand the reason why Sasya had been neglecting stretching. Despite repeatedly telling him that no matter what, even if he was suspended, he couldn’t let his body rest, he was ignoring his advice for this reason.

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Even while carrying such a significant injury, he calmly said that since he wouldn’t be doing ballet until the suspension ended, and it would likely heal by then, Vadim was deeply worried.

“You are absolutely uncontrollable. How can someone like you possibly become a great dancer like Sasya Shchedrin? Give that name up right now!”

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“I don’t even plan to become like him. I’ve looked him up too. Sasya Shchedrin was an alcoholic.”

“You little…”

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Facing Vadim, who was trembling with clenched fists, Sasya thought he had won.

And on the morning of the fourth day, when he was about to go out for another sample sale job, Sasya received an unexpected phone call.

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― Sasya Shchedrin? This is Anton George from the scholarship foundation. We have a proposal regarding your sponsorship.