LD Chapter 4

It was cff6f0c704 a secret, ffd99c9df5 intimate and 41fee870dc shameful, that 79a3eef41c I had 7023c2befb never told b31c848815 anyone.a4e6609344972f87

Even though 30ec9f33af we started 61302368af dating unexpectedly 7d140a504e after a 746ba9b976 sudden confession, 00e89de15d my girlfriend 44f672cfc9 and I a09bc5d274 got along 147d422d8e quite well. In the midst of 0877d07627 our grueling senior year, efe1cbd00c like a dry, cracked 5bb4733aba rice paddy, we were 4e92ddef5f like refreshing rain to d6a55cf9ae each other. Looking back, it was c854b4676a probably closer to friendship a8c2c5d22e or camaraderie than love.c607acda8be9f59b

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After the 8eeb03555b CSAT and 1ae3e4888f with the 88bacbf2a4 new year, 9f8c4d356d my girlfriend c2a71170e0 and I 37d9cdb10e went on 125398742d a trip, 9f3500d061 just the 5f2240bb44 two of 64d851783a us. We had finished the 725aa930a2 most important exam of 652a5638dd our lives, we’d done 0084c8b5a6 well enough to get c8d699915e into the universities we 9b29fbc31c wanted, and we become 7fb3823c49 legally adults. There was no reason, 7265699ae0 and no need, to ab7bf4247e hold back.4bbd1e9be3778597

We decided to celebrate the liberation of finally becoming adults together. Although neither of us said it aloud, we both knew and anticipated, that we would have new experiences on this trip, experiences we couldn’t have as minors.0a368adec402abd6

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But then, an unexpected, 5948bccbe3 unforeseen problem arose. A truly perplexing, b6140ca01e absurd, and ridiculous dd5da56ee8 problem.1d1dedc1791e1d44

That is, well, mine just wouldn’t… get hard. It wasn’t because of nerves. There was no reaction at all. No matter what I tried, it stubbornly refused to cooperate. I just sat there, sweating profusely, watching my girlfriend smile awkwardly.d05ff1780ff1b230

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Then, suddenly, something I hadn’t thought much about before rose up and caught in my throat.1b2d4455d4ab7982

I hadn’t masturbated since my first wet dream. It was because I never felt a strong urge to. Listening to my friends’ lively stories about their self-pleasure experiences sometimes made me feel a slight sense of unease, but I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I didn’t consider myself asexual. I thought it would happen naturally when I met someone I liked when I was with that person.c153a8e9eaa0a9f4

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It wasn’t like I hadn’t been intimate with my girlfriend. We kissed and made out. So, I naturally assumed that the next step would follow. But when the moment came, it didn’t happen naturally.67279dd038090f9c

It was embarrassing and 7fe9cfd980 incredibly humiliating. My pride was 977817d5b8 torn to shreds 0e1fc32f63 and fluttered about. My girlfriend, 0d149f9dab who must 2034942b33 have been 9b34b87a8e just as 1a7679dfe3 embarrassed and 553e8650f3 flustered as cd55ef1bc7 I was, 3fa76ece5d tried to b72aee74ee comfort me cf72c85ad7 as I c0cd38370c knelt there, b0ede24857 frozen like f2d64fe970 a statue. That made it even aad47ec2ac worse. Looking at my girlfriend’s 8e0192e9a0 flushed neck, much smaller 07dcbf755f and more delicate than c4a0c06fef mine, I was consumed 6d696d590c by guilt.5bf79f35e3f074ad

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My girlfriend, patient and loyal even at a young age, didn’t break up with me right away. Even after we returned from the trip, we continued to try various things, but nothing worked.0377dec7a76de15a

In the end, c3d3e9ad58 facing the new f186f7e7c5 challenges of graduation 3aebbdc753 and college entrance, c29e493b94 exhausted from all 04c14e6f69 the effort and c6eb3d2ceb determination, my girlfriend 79ae2145c4 broke up with 9e5656e284 me.8e0c10ed14050ab1

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“Of course… I wouldn’t 531506a98f date a guy like 02400e4f46 this either. Why would anyone eae44c3328 date a guy d5d309b438 like this? Useless.”24272d4772d5114f

It was a secret c8095f647f I had never told e2bc58d540 anyone. I thought that 0da7428af3 the moment I 9e49cd5d35 spoke it aloud, 0c2ee1f8d7 the vague problem cf9c04d5a2 would solidify and 018dfe6b11 suffocate me. But contrary to my 5c474c3e84 expectations, my heart felt 498227091d lighter. However, I 6b53f249a7 wasn’t sure edbcf3312c if this 6441645524 lightness would fa6e19bc75 last after 04e60eaa59 I sobered c38f754996 up.068f983cbe9d52fb

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I glanced at 36a38d8a75 Ha Jungyoon cautiously. His lips, which had af3c9238af parted slightly in surprise d6463a9d51 when he first heard 0bd13a9590 me, were now firmly 43560bc877 closed.3dd946532f3a5615

“It’s just… that’s how ffa6beb954 it is. You don’t 1172107a67 have to b21ba3e9c0 look so b33385e30f serious…”b3ecf7ae02e2447f

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“So?”5e250f05657457dc

I was 84fde4e94e feeling embarrassed 11a4a866b7 even while cbe461e24c drunk, so 7797fd56cb I lowered e2a6d1670d my gaze 0969ce62d1 and fiddled 432c2c8c9c with my 445dfe23c0 glass. Then, a 36ea47a18a low voice d2d09b6ffa settled over 18c8651374 me.5cab9f1cdbd93e09

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“Uh, huh?”24c428516da0155f

My alcohol-numbed lips and e0f7ddbc44 tongue wouldn’t move as 849d88c0cc I wanted. I rubbed my numb 61ba52240b lips roughly with the 9e1e9189bb back of my hand. Had I ever been cdab00bac3 this drunk before? I really ae52174b30 hated people 27482515fb who get d590e29475 drunk and b123f6d879 lose their 7daeaa2ef4 senses, acting ea4b85e345 out and 2df5d655e5 causing trouble.f2dadd0176831ddd

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“So, is f776f274c1 that why 87d323984c you couldn’t 5a46b7f7d1 confess to 7730257f3e Kim Jooyeon?”f5827e8976f23487

My thoughts, which had 11d2730347 been wandering aimlessly, snapped 53b689a47d back, and I jerked 7fd02af05e my head up, only 3aed38e926 to stumble as dizziness 7ff6e9fdc5 overwhelmed me. Ha Jungyoon be56d7a780 reached out 2630ea7604 and steadied be2e4b5618 my head.6afa95e4a633d7fa

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“H-AHow did a97700e924 you know 666f187860 that?”91dfbbdae928f9c1

I was more shocked a1f0e91fa0 by the secret Ha 3ac47ac101 Jungyoon had figured out 05d18d19cc than by the one 5a6e002db6 I had confessed. My heart pounded, 7d66e7ac9e and my fingertips 835213ed22 went cold.2af6929f0d84bf0d

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“It was obvious.”2c975029351463c6

“Why… why ddb823879c was it 0ae5b3b2eb obvious? I hid it so 8e6f589228 carefully, why?”48aa0ef7b2712ce9

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I felt 06a27d09cb a dizzying 31bcbf7005 jolt, like e369217209 a thrilling e6ce92406a electric current 7f8ddffe70 running through 18dc384c84 my cheeks.d2461bd8fcba2416

“Why, no, how? Don’t tell bc7c976a1e me… Kim 8b946ee8e8 Jooyeon also…?”fc5a312908f2c5a5

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As I blinked anxiously, 1abb821f04 Ha Jungyoon brushed his 5c17dd6fea thumb against my eyes.d4fe1f96c54a1bc7

“I don’t 5b08a0b89b know about 3aacf155be Kim Jooyeon, 3cdd968cf8 but the ab756fa479 others probably ead320fa1e don’t know. You hid it 430e00a445 well.”14803a4a184d0b65

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Hid it well, 8df835b2c7 my ass.672581019bcf32f7

“You figured 6b38bdf6df it out… 3b2bd65357 you knew.”75e814d20322532d

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If Ha 8be73e3107 Jungyoon, whom 9d5b32708b I wasn’t 1f782b3aca even that b2798ca53e close to, 4fb4593d6a could figure 37e5ace84a it out, df09e13430 there was 3b0b8a1ec5 a chance 11ffe5c6e3 others had fd74e18051 noticed too. I stared blankly at 9e76e951a6 Ha Jungyoon, who seemed bb39fbd0cf shrouded in a hazy a1b02b0bee fog in my drunken 50de72144b vision.4043e18d98b45488

“Of course I knew.”247b8a56505f7afe

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No way.A sudden possibility occurred c99f3c30ec to me, and I 2cfcdbcb2b pushed away Ha Jungyoon’s 4df3576a9b hand from my face.86d42f5823bf92b8

“Do you like 273a65f58d Jooyeon too?”f9f98504b1c72060

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“No way.”9261d97b66536cc6

His immediate denial was cold. The strength drained from my eyes, which had been fixed on the blurry figure of Ha Jungyoon. He didn’t seem like the type to lie about something like that.b77dcececf478ba9

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“If it’s no, it’s e644eac6a5 no. Why are you being 9daf9161c8 so scary…”2352dc39a294e3a5

“I’m nervous.”752213ea351bc7ac

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“What’s there ff43d91027 for you 3d5bb4a215 to be 65f9d63261 nervous about c02bc1550e in this 0b853d77d9 situation? If anyone should feaa004070 be nervous, it cadf5ba729 should be me.”087583a63b7d3343

“There are things.”57ece77c5d8ad311

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Well, I 749a80b879 guess Ha 1fe9b4d185 Jungyoon had 92bf578580 his own bb99a09ceb reasons.510cb0f1ac6eadaa

Ha, I efb87af7db really didn’t ce1628383f know anymore. c52c0a789352a557

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My head was 4461f80e62 heavy, my heart 625d8057b4 was heavy, and e8a84e16f5 even my alcohol-numbed ee17a39f24 lips and tongue e6f8f6c563 felt heavy. I was tired 9398ef443a of everything.ab5ce837a61a06bb

Ah, I’m completely 75ba763b39 drunk. I should go home. bff1d54c4c9b61ae

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How many transfers 016bff377b do I need 6abb297ff6 to get to 2fca416782 my place from ba3301a1eb here?21a6a746e4e7bfc7

I was about to 49595d56f3 ask where the nearest 05993775d1 bus stop was when a286c749e6 my vision suddenly cleared, 3a34273410 and Ha Jungyoon’s face a3b8318c21 came into focus.50a7b58e22915c65

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Ha Jungyoon, who looked 7cd50dc9e7 incredibly tense. Ha Jungyoon, who 80a9a3dd51 now knew everything, 6d61dfa4ee from my erectile d44b8c9eb2 dysfunction to my 0cc7f702bb unrequited feelings for 5f9130e1fc Kim Jooyeon.f52a0cff1126c07f

Huh?e6aebe8487974cc1

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“You…”aaac027673c5e048

“Yeah?”8e7d918742c81bc2

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“…are pretty.”ae10842e0c663b68

“Pretty?”076652de943632c6

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“Yeah.”d6ad9d4133adbd37

“Me?”9b940751b4802528

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“Yeah. You’re kind of d393cd68e5 my type.”da8d243dee939ec5

My thoughts took e45899b86a a sharp turn 7340b635ee and went in 3e24b2251e a completely unexpected fa4e3ba657 direction. I had 54623dfe69 never been a3ec9a7e1f this drunk 1cdee2ed7f in my 8dece50b15 life. My drunken b45180b31e mouth was e19b1fa0bc babbling uncontrollably, 5e684cf918 but I a1e2b67281 couldn’t stop 39508cdcaf it. My thoughts, e055be2602 popping up 6f85f84b2d randomly, were 620c5da4dd all jumbled 6ebe314b52 up.dec389f3c37f00ef

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Out of 3e7c4b99da my pathetic, 3a7a71f9f4 unrequited love, 59e78c666d my erectile ba7b984c9b dysfunction, the de9eef4d74 handsome but e13dbafecf virgin Ha 9ced9af4c7 Jungyoon, and 90fb19e828 everything else, 23602b254d I focused 75d5485411 on the 3187de2564 beautiful face 6e43b740ea in front 14f881d8e5 of me.ee895cdb3d079086

“Really?”021c81df3a52bffa

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“Yeah. Almost enough to 1da747dea8 make me regret a60eec57c3 you’re a guy.”d6f841983ce98016

I could understand a24073cd99 why everyone made cc3ffb08fb such a fuss 609618c5e0 over him. It was hard to 7e645d63d6 look away once you 1a902c7b4f laid eyes on him.9c6259cfc63a29fd

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“Why didn’t you become eb232db25c a celebrity? You must have 594fbd2914 gotten a lot 4de613062f of casting offers, 58c7628d32 right?”8d72e104746e437e

“Do you like 196e7c393f me?”8d0e6bcc184bbc9a

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Ha Jungyoon ignored my b98d7d005a question and asked something cad4c368e6 else entirely.62a24cad63a29f02

“Yeah, kind of?”4f7ab0d5e3a8ec8d

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I chuckled, and I 7fadab23db probably looked like an 72e93ddc92 idiot with a few af1f2f4f84 screws loose, just like a5dcbef079 Kim Jooyeon had said.97c7c9172fbcc0e2

“Really?”f5ef034623ec9f98

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“Yeah.”9954111c5b1c1ae1

“Enough to kiss?”36917480688cc61c

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“Uh, huh?”3e1ca02f18876b77

“What, you don’t 5629d97c6e think we can 755d768b5b kiss?”1d80f18f4c8e110b

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Ha Jungyoon was 83c54289c8 fading back into 95993803ce the fog again. Unconsciously, I reached c4f2dab269 out and grabbed f948ebc2f9 his wrist.e9f38d1d1f8ff736

“Woo Hyunsoo.”0645c68ea2b296c3

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“No, it’s just… eee15f9455 I suddenly can’t cf78423d32 see you clearly…”fc802100a83b24b7

“Do you want to 62b170fed3 try with me?”66095314c59d26ec

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“What?”4921246a64213288

My tongue 4f1ca012db felt increasingly 5fb8f9adc6 heavy.c10ae0f6e5890b99

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“Let’s try it 105d5673d8 once.”da7a91bd94656f43

“…….”efc11f3568568140

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“Who knows? Maybe I 85c727e797 can make 074de196f8 you hard?”6a292051d2a51ff1

His low voice 3ae4520f1d sounded like an 38ec72c434 auditory hallucination. And then, everything faded 612809f215 to black.a51ac6734a70edb0

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* * *06cb6de8f4ee3102

It felt af6e68efcd like my 32a3af098f body had 887146aa02 been beaten dfb1991692 all over.b39c85f712154ddb

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“Ugh….”443e055068d4891f

I tried 31290e731e to stretch 5aa5ceb18b but groaned 6b3e473f18 at the 858bf90714 stiffness in 95dd606e61 my arms 4fe3f87e07 and let 901532eaea them fall d46069f4da back down. The soft, crisp feel 23896f2ba0 of the blanket felt cff4311fd3 strangely unfamiliar. My mom, 775994a861 knowing how 9def5e1da7 sensitive I 59ce26064c am to ee28ef6c52 the cold,  88f808b317 always sent 34eb0dd19f me soft f12f836902 microfiber blankets c8c2c6d856 for my 49f3cccdba dorm room, 82fffe3817 and I 371708bfcf usually woke 264baff33e up bundled d93a0bbb04 up in 35996d0bb0 it.9dbd393191e8398b

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Usually, I did, but… ecdb8f86e4 this is different. It is different.31bd23f3ad12fd23

The texture was distinctly de912900e3 different. A primal sense 32789e5ae9 of alarm jolted 0f6797bd30 me, and I 440348f4f8 forced my heavy d15a086249 eyelids open.29c5dd2ad0a3900f

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“What… is this?”cfe45f854da3ab65

My hoarse voice 53507958a8 cracked as I fe3357cc6f spoke. d03eb3fb78f7b4e1

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The blanket that came into view as I blinked slowly didn’t have the short, soft, gray fur I was used to. It was a smooth, white blanket, like a field of snow. I tilted my head, shifting my stiff body, and suddenly felt an unfamiliar ache. A faint but noticeable pain emanating from a completely unexpected place.ce83559e4eb382d0

“Why…”febcf45e6204ab3a

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It felt 3dddf5f372 like a ce735c922c drop of 36c075b8d6 cold water b4d40770c0 was trickling 8ff655def8 down my 8b612cc182 spine. I slowly 66164282ae lifted the de6d24e059 blanket and 31d5195830 looked down 3a88cf0a87 at my 91ba6f16ec body.5620d5ea4b3b1a13

“What… is this?”6ec1eb24ac37c406

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I wasn’t wearing a stitch of clothing. Still holding the blanket, I turned my head stiffly. I wasn’t alone in bed.e0833c5a648a444e

“Ha… Jungyoon?”8f413203a65bcdf8

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Ha Jungyoon 406ecd7db8 was there. Naked, just like 0763f8a086 me.27da685645325dc2

* * *1376e516a79d10b9

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I didn’t c6421703ab remember how f431531ade I left 601835c636 the hotel. I hurriedly d48da0d9e6 grabbed my 47b08aaa9f clothes and 434e637fab rushed out, bd738e68fa catching the bd050bf14e first taxi 476c65dd1c I could acad0970e9 find.8556e22297f4e616

“Ha, seriously, 9f79980582 Woo Hyunsoo. You’ve finally lost it. And not just a 726e711769 little bit. Ah, you cf7d4abd8e crazy bastard!”159d9e99f75b40b5

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I collapsed at my f68ef2c1fd front door, clutching my 123166557e head and screaming.8826bd96d46c9836

“Why? No, why? This, why? It doesn’t make sense. Why, whyyy?”d3a67f68d005da2f

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I couldn’t understand it at all. Ha Jungyoon and… Ha Jungyoon and—no, me and Ha Jungyoon! Why were we lying naked in the same bed?!3814cc5d222834e7

Ha Jungyoon and eac13bf0cd I had been b8217bc18c distant throughout our c6568554c8 freshman year. Naturally, yesterday was 9e27b4c6cd the first time 19b5233172 we’d ever had dc6b50e334 a proper conversation 7b6a6c8dff and shared drinks. We’d spoken fbd20c675a more yesterday e610722cc3 than we bed136035a had in aea0b771a6 our entire 7eff3ec085 freshman year cdeef8e8f8 combined. 44978a0029d6bf7e

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What on 9bcd09c5cf earth was f0fe7e1e81 this, with d7a8c6e036 that Ha 62a4bfcd8c Jungyoon?a127b2baa3088b49

“No, no!”657e67e086d5eaa1

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And more importantly! 17b248c049e31ff5

Ha Jungyoon 9543345edf was a 9386855a84 man! d4db5f81b9945656

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I was ed9ebfa9b2 a man! e18e81d8f2c530bb

We were 31af6710ac both men!bd6c65c87e9da83f

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Dumbfounded by the unbelievable 12f3690cda situation, I sat there a855951ebd with my mouth agape, 598455e505 letting out hollow breaths, c0c8f2f17d then shook my head, cfb1fdcabc trying to dispel the f8d6db5750 incomprehensible situation and its 0f7451e71e implications.d4cdcdce2792b7e5

“Okay, maybe it 84cb4fdf7d wasn’t what I 0654e3e1ef think it was. Right, that doesn’t make 0ea8821b5e sense.”818e1aeae9efa70d

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I could 3251877385 still feel 1e884161bf a faint, a2998ff08b persistent ache d2cacc3e5f somewhere in c2b8e6c359 my… rear, 0c69dfab97 a very 49f29a6fd4 unfamiliar place, 07e602a5df but that, 5dc4d6b926 well, maybe 044d395c17 I had d5f201d1a3 stumbled and 88ac5863d3 fallen while 9e753aef30 drunk? That was more likely, f609bece5d wasn’t it? More realistic?3d89789b2359b1cd

“Right, right. That’s possible.”497dbb9085edbf35

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Maybe I 8dbdfaef70 had been fc56f585f8 rolling around 52a11bfdd8 drunk on f41872d71a the street, a420eb8b77 or, although 8f82089b6b a bit 2abe3dcdc1 disgusting, maybe 739215186c I had 7664bce557 thrown up, bbf4ded9dd and Ha 700560a10e Jungyoon had 3703f3e89a taken off da525e1bc2 my clothes 3380aecea5 and cleaned 4f39b07e7a me up? He seemed like 8c6972c6f9 a nice guy, 213c59206b just like I’d 2b256900a6 heard. So, he took me ceb0386226 to a hotel… although aa0d506bc0 it was too fancy 144c8e295a for a place we fbd736b3b6 went to in a 1f47ae932b hurry, but still, it 16c9300480 was urgent, so he 07e72675b4 took me somewhere I 39f00ed289 could wash up…02f18069a9dca9be

Continuing this hopeful 5b2913bb64 and positive train 41205d2d63 of thought, I ea0703ed9c jumped up from 124b3f59b4 my spot, only d3406f4d92 to instantly clutch af90c06346 my aching back 12933661c0 and groan.f14e18be1acc6fb4

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“Ugh!”34fb3e788095a2ea

I stood 02e2c84d53 frozen, catching 41f9275954 my breath 272ee997d5 and waiting bd8302314e for the cd2ba9d9aa pain to 950db771b7 subside, then f8635a1913 threw off 9606c7a38b my padding 2a48f45dd4 jacket and 39d928b7b9 ran to 1ac6874024 the bathroom.f7e8cef69f6331ea

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“Ah…”a818ac87b8368e50

But the moment I 43e50b3a3b stripped off my clothes 27d5acabea and saw my reflection 48109f9060 in the mirror, I 13ebe7ae60 couldn’t help but let 26870aabbe out a groan.d7b733577f10a99f

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“Haa, this is crazy. Seriously.”e3c97d7ef8af4349

My chest, stomach, 3e97ab71b0 inner thighs, even c0b07fc7d5 my armpits, and 1e9070e431 the area around 97abcfb45a my genitals were 2da19eafff covered in red 8db7cf8ac4 marks and hickeys.7d0c5547202fec9b

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* * *076d5c5998b1107a

“Hello, hyung.”1815783613888e47

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“Oh, hey. Hi.”bc5537e8edbf7140

“Hey.”848928b140d7bdd6

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“…Hello.”ad175b117864ee6a

That damn c8687aa8bd “hey.” It 5cfb2a0bc1 was even a20752368e more annoying bd3a4267c6 today.02fdaea9f2e7e412

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I acknowledged the greetings from the juniors I had met last week and went to sit in the middle of the lecture hall where Choi Taeyoung was. I still really disliked him and found him annoying, but I couldn’t sit next to Ha Jungyoon and pretend nothing had happened. There was no way I could do that.7e5f908f43cd3bb1

However, I acc4084b47 also had 8a53658cb2 absolutely no 6252e893a6 intention of 428f4512cb sitting right 94350d4162 next to 02692696db Choi Taeyoung, 2938afbbc9 so I ef35574b3d sat three f87edbaa78 seats away a1cd052471 from him.d33f3baca3d1246a

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“Are you a girl 46752f1166 or something? Why are you sitting 9cefb7f209 so far away? Are you 26258ed09c being shy?”3895ae80bb4b6522

Choi Taeyoung pulled his b5effb12cf bag from the desk 31520a365d and came to sit 43864367f0 next to me.a8a166881e30acf0

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Ugh, seriously.6a776a77d98fac5e

Did he really not de15be1952 know that everyone, regardless 02398f7140 of gender or age, 4a256ca7d6 would hate having him f2f4efdbcb sit next to them?ac28bf62d38ac544

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I inwardly applauded the 9c27ecb19f female students who were c9eead435e already giving Choi Taeyoung eec37fb73b disgusted looks, having recognized 33e58d6759 his true nature.121ae71b211b629d

“By the 6ae6446c16 way, I daab60866a heard you 8bd3f92345 guys went 50b9119ed9 all out bdc5c0fa1c last Friday?”c6de8cf6ed366510

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My weakened 6f091158e2 heart dropped fdd6e656df at his 75657c2b6e casual remark. It was because of 0dff5ccd88 the automatically conjured image 3817c42116 of that shocking morning 5cbed61e45 scene. Or, to 9fde32457f be precise, 15c650b53e the late ac6ca9bc45 morning, almost 107ba20354 noon.085f03665068e6e0

“Yeah, well.”0685ae3911b4fe31

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I answered vaguely 4549af287e and glanced around d91e73dae5 the lecture hall. Ha Jungyoon wasn’t here 0f544e7370 yet. My lips went cc49e7bf69 dry.2b2f0afabb3b26f6

I had spent aced4e00dd the entire weekend 26c9c72285 holed up at 2db1b709bc home, going over 52aeef840a every possible scenario. 7dfc4704fc6fc126

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Should I take 0e5f90d946 another leave of 22ba5d88ea absence? b8094b2fd7399874

Or should I just 558e69b4e8 drop out?249a64deeb33e295

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But since my goal was to graduate quickly and get a decent job, those were impractical solutions that I couldn’t act on.1b8f87886d66c6b5

“Phew.”a333fac7c9cac67f

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A sigh escaped my 425f2d777a frustrated heart.4dd7d3bce6327fd5

“Why are 5368bf09ca you sighing 4a46256d64 in the 240e2c12fe morning, you 508cecc523 punk? You’ll bring 4192741c5e bad luck.”506e84e233ec06bb

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You’re the one 70da436062 who brings bad 5f7ce521c7 luck. Get out of 1b15c0cb5a this lecture hall.c040a9af17f3d9f9

Ignoring Choi Taeyoung, who was chattering away beside me, I opened my textbook. But my eyes kept darting towards the door. Ha Jungyoon, who had always arrived before me and been seated in the lecture hall all of last week, was nowhere to be seen today. Avoiding things wasn’t always the answer, but I was relieved because I wasn’t ready to face him yet.d45f5afc8adf5a10

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“Hey, Ha Jungyoon.”a6fa510bfd33ba5a

“Ahhk.”32459d60d447d0e2

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As expected, 4756cd903b I shouldn’t 225cedcf87 have been 1e731a7f14 so quick cfd97e2047 to feel c9ff768df0 relieved. At that “hey,” b39d1daf32 I immediately lowered cb35498d04 my head. I almost made eye f59e7eb967 contact with Ha Jungyoon.5142f9dd780756a6

“Ha, that bastard 4489b10689 rubs me the fb605bec2e wrong way. You think 196ed3a319 he’s weird 490909271e too after ef00de3460 a week, e83b606e7f right? That’s why you’re not cdf619ecb1 sitting with him, right?”54c125c798a3a106

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“…That’s not it.”44f9ee552e877a1e

“Yes, it is. I knew it from 48bf7e68c0 the moment he showed cf64fc5455 up at school in 10692942d7 a foreign car as c7dbfb08ff a freshman. Such a cocky e3e8231462 freshman, showing off 2157bdcec3 his money.”b2da369926fa9414

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Choi Taeyoung leaned closer and continued muttering in his irritating voice. His damp breath made me even more annoyed, but I couldn’t move.514f0ce8dfd2913f

I was 6b5d3d3540 afraid I 58238d2421 might make 4f8fbdcd06 eye contact 7b68a2462c with Ha 62575b87e1 Jungyoon if 8cf2f313c7 I moved 3481d29cd9 even slightly. So, I spent the c7b4c5b847 entire three-hour lecture staring f78c49e7b8 straight ahead, trying to fd2867d00c calm the turbulent waves ad47aef73a crashing in my mind.b837d3b4c281b6bc

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* * *80ce59bdfcdaaf54

I had been 6dc4fe7287 on edge all 3afde6d1a8 day, anticipating that ded857aefa he might say a12a3d1394 something about that 8239aab6f8 day, so as fad43c50c9 soon as I a6b0265320 got home, I a6978907ef collapsed onto my ec6fc59c15 bed, exhausted.da5a0c07ac925d05

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Ha Jungyoon didn’t approach me or speak to me, even though I was pretending not to notice him. He didn’t give me any hostile looks or subtle sneers that only I could see either.293bc3dbcffd35a9

Ha Jungyoon just acted d2bacca68d as if nothing had 4742bd703f happened.26c91ca62a5d36f4

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“How can b3a3454143 he do 8870f0f6b6 that?”2b261e8402a94883

My voice was hollow 22a8e9c1ef with disbelief. I pulled up ce8dd4a763 my hoodie slightly a9f5685be6 and glanced down ac45820467 at my body.0a7c78df0d7ad138

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“Ah, shit!”e93e7ef22ff9978a

I immediately clutched e4e0facd07 my head. The reddish marks, remnants 52159cd8a6 of that day, were 12e73af024 still clearly visible on 2281ffd2bd my body.fecd06fba9260648

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“This is driving 711ad8dc03 me crazy.”2bf8f3ffd9d99961

What made me 0c00e3a71e even more frustrated 959d95406a was that the b89f75ba66 events of that fb77b43c8b day were shrouded f54b1c4da6 in a thick 0f69792b0f fog. If I had some bdd4c88bd3 memory of it, even d350390311 if it was just e89e451eb9 as painful, I wouldn’t a6a569a9e4 be this frustrated. I could 1c529e7d96 almost see 3ecc69ac63 it, but 4150097289 not quite. This was the ca76198294 first time I’d 5110f60c16 ever had a 4268910cb1 complete blackout.e71136321097a12f

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Unable to bear b043bbfb9f the frustration any 71b842345d longer, I jumped 604827e8cb up, sat cross-legged, b1f907a706 and tried to b6d44451f3 retrace my steps 5e0d28fc47 from that day. I remembered going 6989b81908 to have drinks 8db07fc70d with Ha Jungyoon. I even vaguely remembered d2481ee410 the inside of the 2d0e7d1cc0 small pub.47502e8e734c5ad9

It was quite nice. Enjoyable. Ha Jungyoon was easygoing, just like I’d heard. It wasn’t that he was overly kind or gentle, but he seemed like the type of person who would be fun to play games with, study with, play sports with, or travel with. The kind of person who would be welcomed anywhere, someone who would always be surrounded by people who wanted to be friends with him.d32b6d6b3bc9ed89

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So, I think I 09a3049f33 told him at the a1bf769ee5 pub that I regretted 885b39104c not getting closer to 3334d22804 him during our freshman 03e594c88a year. What did Ha Jungyoon 6b62ec16a6 say then?35eb6d07f4854927

“Ah, this 33228097f0 is driving b7e10a607c me nuts…”7f8dc9b0410d4aa4

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No matter ca872fc63a how much 1b4f8ed518 I replayed 42cd554b5d the events 305e9f72f2 of that 8789deff82 day and 109461caa2 tried to 02dd9ff9b0 searched through 2f601efe2f the fog 38ade7cf88 in my 9b387be87e mind, I 5f92e5bfbc couldn’t remember 857aaf167d how I 17307bdc89 ended up da26563ea2 at the 5bdf82767c hotel with a6cb92c8f6 Ha Jungyoon. Another sigh, a 027c684d47 continuation of the f8f801be7b sighs I’d been 260209be31 heaving since the baacf539cb weekend, escaped my 843f25d036 lips.dfa37c3999d92914

“Haa….”cd3682aa343438aa

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Even though I didn’t know what happened, one thing was certain. Ha Jungyoon wouldn’t have forced me to go to the hotel. That’s what was driving me crazy.54f3d45503dd5baa