EMP Chapter 36

Kwon Jiwook dreamed again today. It was a dream he rarely had, but after being discharged from the hospital, its frequency increased, and now it tormented him every night. Why did he describe it as “tormenting”? Because what started as a simple dream—where a young Park Juyeon cried out about revenge—gradually began to take a different course as the days passed.

It all began when the protagonist of the dream shifted from Park Juyeon to Kwon Jiwook himself. At some point, it was Kwon Jiwook who was crying and clinging, while Park Juyeon became the one tormenting him. Up until that point, the real Kwon Jiwook could accept it. It was frightening, but it was bearable. Because it was Park Juyeon—the only person whose inflicted pain he could willingly endure.

But when faceless men started appearing in the dream he had every night without fail, Kwon Jiwook could no longer dismiss it as just a dream. Though it had been quite a while since his discharge, the events of that time replayed vividly every night, leaving him exhausted even after waking up in the morning. He hated the time it took to distinguish reality from the dream, the unpleasant pounding of his heartbeat ringing in his ears, and the cold sweat that clung stickily to his body. These were things he could never get used to.

“…Haah.”

“Why the sigh?”

“…It’s nothing.”

But he couldn’t easily confide in Park Juyeon either. Since that day, Park Juyeon had treated Kwon Jiwook with an even more awkward demeanor than before. In the past, even if his intentions weren’t pure, Park Juyeon would often smile and tease him playfully, showing a certain charm in his own way.

But now, he only provided the bare minimum of care or avoided unnecessary physical contact, keeping boundaries so well that it became a problem. It even felt businesslike. There was no way Kwon Jiwook could bring up nightmares to someone like that and expect a kind response.

“‘I’ll take good care of him,’ or whatever he said. He shouldn’t have bothered saying it at all.”

It was an insolent thought. If Park Juyeon could read minds, Kwon Jiwook might have had to prostrate himself and offer his backside for a spanking right then and there. Still, the frustration was real.

Why did Park Juyeon talk as if he’d accept everything but then do nothing? The recurring nightmares were bad enough, but the stress caused by Park Juyeon’s behavior was reaching its peak, and Kwon Jiwook’s will to recover was deteriorating day by day.

The fractured bones had long since healed, and the tears in his lower regions and urethra had mended quite some time ago. Naturally, since Park Juyeon hadn’t touched him in the meantime. But whether it was a mental issue or simply a delusion that his unhealed wounds had recovered, Kwon Jiwook couldn’t move his body properly.

When he tried to walk, a throbbing pain shot through his knees, and even when he stayed still, the tips of his limbs—especially his hands—trembled faintly. His limp was obvious at a glance. Being someone hyper-aware of others’ perceptions, Kwon Jiwook grew irritated daily with his disobedient body.

In the early days of his hospitalization, Kwon Jiwook was a bundle of nerves. Hating the sight of himself undergoing rehabilitation, he’d secretly smashed mirrors behind Park Juyeon’s back more than once. The fact that he was still alive and relatively intact owed much to Park Juyeon, who had quickly cleaned up the shards after witnessing it early on. Of course, even without Park Juyeon’s intervention, Kwon Jiwook wouldn’t have done anything—he’d long been consumed by helplessness.

After many struggles, Kwon Jiwook was finally discharged and naturally ended up staying at Park Juyeon’s place. He wasn’t moved to a different room, but new furniture appeared in the barren, dark red room that had once felt barely lived-in. The drawer that once held adult toys was pushed into a corner, replaced by a new nightstand beside the bed. Decent items like a wardrobe and a TV were added too.

Among them, his favorite was the clock. Just having a clock made the stifling, windowless room feel slightly more bearable. Though, to be honest, it was still undeniably bleak.

Even now, nearly two months after his discharge, Park Juyeon would turn off the lights and lock the door at night. It seemed he still thought Kwon Jiwook might try to escape. Once locked from the outside, the door wouldn’t open until Park Juyeon woke up. Had being left alone ever felt this unbearably awful in his life? Even back when he was violated all day in that empty room, it hadn’t felt this lonely.

“It’s twelve o’clock. Time to sleep already.”

“…You’re going to bed early again today…”

Kwon Jiwook muttered under his breath, barely audible. Same as always. When bedtime came, Park Juyeon turned off the TV he’d left on and neatly arranged the bedding with careful pats. He seemed accustomed to taking care of someone, and when Kwon Jiwook gazed up at him, Park Juyeon looked back down at him just as steadily.

“You’ve been working hard and sleeping late, so now you should rest early.”

“Me? Working hard at what…?”

“In the past, I kept you up and tormented you, didn’t I?”

…Ah. That hardship. Kwon Jiwook nodded dumbly, his mouth agape. Had he not considered everything that happened as hardship? But now that he thought about it, it didn’t seem like unbearable suffering either. His body had been pushed to its limits, but he’d climaxed each time, so he could say he enjoyed it in a way. And no matter how it had unfolded, things had worked out now—Park Juyeon had forgiven him, and the men…

“…”

“What’s wrong?”

The moment he recalled the men from his dreams, his chest suddenly felt heavy. It was because the nightmares he’d tried so hard to forget by distracting himself came rushing back. Unaware of even a sliver of Kwon Jiwook’s turmoil, Park Juyeon casually covered his eyes with his hand.

It had to be today. It really had to be. He felt like he wouldn’t get another chance to say it. Hesitantly grasping the fingers resting over his eyes, Kwon Jiwook lowered Park Juyeon’s hand and met his gaze.

“Juyeon-ah.”

“Yeah?”

“…”

“…What is it?”

“Uh… could we sleep together? Just for tonight.”

It sounded almost like a child whining about being scared of the dark. Park Juyeon seemed to think so too, his expression turning subtle as he looked at Kwon Jiwook. Feeling the weight of that persistent gaze, Kwon Jiwook belatedly grew embarrassed and slowly pulled the blanket up to his nose, as if hiding.

No, but wasn’t this something Park Juyeon could do for him? After weeks without being scolded, Kwon Jiwook’s guts had slightly swelled again, and he grumbled inwardly. Thanks to the patience Park Juyeon had painstakingly instilled in him, he managed not to voice it aloud. Instead, his trembling hand gripped Park Juyeon’s delicate fingers tightly.

“What’s with the sudden whining?”

“I know it might sound weird, and even I feel embarrassed thinking about it, but…”

“Why’s the preamble so long? Just say it.”

Park Juyeon chuckled and sat on the edge of the bed, and Kwon Jiwook’s face visibly brightened. But once he’d gotten Park Juyeon to pause, the words he’d meant to say shrank back. Just having him nearby was reassuring enough—he felt like he wouldn’t have nightmares if it stayed like this. The only problem was that Park Juyeon, who’d started drawing boundaries, might soon return to his own room. So, Kwon Jiwook forced the words he’d swallowed back up.

“Lately, I keep having weird dreams.”

“Dreams?”

“Those bastards keep showing up. …The ones who raped me.”

“…”

The faint smile faded from Park Juyeon’s face. Ignoring it, Kwon Jiwook gripped the hem of Park Juyeon’s T-shirt tightly and continued.

“I don’t know exactly what they do in the dreams. But when I wake up after having them, I’m so scared. My heart pounds like crazy, and even though I’m awake, I keep hearing their voices. It’s fucking weird, right? I know it is. But I can’t help being scared—what am I supposed to do? Just… just…”

It feels like I’m back there again. The more he spoke, the more Kwon Jiwook’s body curled in on itself. His hand clutching the fabric was now gripping so hard that the knuckles stood out starkly, his fingers drained of color. Admitting this was like acknowledging that his mind had grown weak.

Simply speaking about that day visibly worsened Kwon Jiwook’s state. Park Juyeon felt pity for him, yet part of him found it absurd. Couldn’t he just endure that much? A twisted thought flickered through Park Juyeon’s mind—given all he’d been through—but he didn’t voice it. Instead, he sighed and patted Kwon Jiwook’s blanket-covered stomach to comfort him.

“Alright. I’ll sleep with you. I didn’t realize you were this anxious…”

“You can’t go to your room in the middle of the night. You have to stay here until morning. Got it?”

“What… I won’t go. Once I fall asleep, I’ll just keep sleeping—why would I wake up for no reason?”

“You’ve been avoiding me lately. You don’t like me anymore.”

“…Huh?”

Park Juyeon’s eyes widened as if he’d heard something out of the blue. Startled by Kwon Jiwook’s offhand remark, his long lashes fluttered rapidly.

“What are you talking about? When did I ever say I didn’t like you, Hyung?”

“You did! You avoid me when I call you, you frown, and you glare at me all the time. I know everything.”

“…What the hell are you saying…?”

“Think about it carefully. Did you really do it?” Park Juyeon’s tone was bold, as if he had nothing to feel guilty about. It even felt like he was pressuring Kwon Jiwook instead. Intimidated, Kwon Jiwook protested weakly.

“…Do you think I’m lying?”

“Then do you think I’m lying?”

“No, I really did… I did it, or… I think I did…”

Burdened by the weight of meeting Park Juyeon’s wide, dark eyes, Kwon Jiwook averted his gaze and mumbled under his breath.

“No, even if you never said you hated me… you barely talk to me these days.”

“No, that’s because…”

A hollow laugh mixed with disbelief escaped Park Juyeon. When Kwon Jiwook had claimed to have regained his memories, Park Juyeon had needed time to live simply and quiet his chaotic mind. Of course, it’d be a lie to say he hadn’t thought about sex during that time. But when he finally decided to act on it, he belatedly realized he wasn’t the only one who needed to sort out his thoughts. Kwon Jiwook’s mental state was far worse than Park Juyeon had assumed.

He’d smash mirrors because he couldn’t stand seeing his own face, mutter about sudden fears while staring into the empty air of the hospital room, or struggle to breathe properly—such symptoms were common during his hospitalization and rehabilitation.

Park Juyeon’s mouth had felt dry at the thought of getting physical with someone in that state, so he’d unintentionally ended up living chastely. Now, two months later, Kwon Jiwook finally seemed to have calmed down, only to say, “You don’t like me.” For Park Juyeon, who’d been looking after him all this time, it was baffling.

“I don’t hate you, Hyung.”

“Really?”

“If I hated you, would I be living with you like this? I’d have ditched you ages ago. Who’s this guy you’re talking about who avoids you, frowns, and glares at you…?”

“…”

Even a casually thrown remark made Kwon Jiwook’s face pale. Realizing his mistake, Park Juyeon playfully slapped his own mouth a few times as if to show Kwon Jiwook, then patted his chest repeatedly to calm him down. Soon after, he stood up, turned off the lights, switched on a small mood lamp on the bedside table, and sat back down beside him.

“For now, let’s sleep with this on tonight. It’ll make it less scary. …Why are you looking at me like that?”

“…Lie down next to me right now.”

“…”

Maybe he’d indulged Kwon Jiwook too much… Even though part of Park Juyeon wondered what he was doing, seeing Kwon Jiwook’s frail side softened him every time. Besides, whatever the reason, Kwon Jiwook’s current state was his fault. Maybe that’s why—he found it kind of cute, in a way. With a sigh, Park Juyeon lay down beside him.

“Can’t sleep?”

“Yeah.”

“Why’d you suddenly start having those dreams… Is it because I haven’t touched you lately? Pent-up frustration? Wet dreams?”

“It’s not that kind of dream…!”

Kwon Jiwook froze mid-sentence. A cold hand had slipped under his shirt, subtly caressing his waist. That large, well-shaped hand roamed near his abdomen before slowly sliding up to his chest, squeezing the soft flesh there and then letting go. Just the act of kneading his chest and brushing its sensitive tips made Kwon Jiwook’s breathing subtly ragged.

“…Hoo…”

He said he didn’t hate me. But he probably doesn’t like me either. That’s why he could so easily talk about ditching me. It made sense. How could he like someone who’d done such things and then conveniently forgotten them? Thinking that, the hand groping his chest felt dry and impersonal, and it stung. What hurt more was that, despite his gloomy thoughts, his body—still remembering Park Juyeon—responded faithfully to every touch.

“One release, and you’ll sleep better, right? It’ll make you drowsy.”

“No, wait, hold on…”

That wasn’t what he’d wanted. But Kwon Jiwook couldn’t refuse. The scent of Park Juyeon, so close after such a long time, was too intoxicating to push away. How could the cozy, soft smell of fabric softener make his lower abdomen heat up like this?

Park Juyeon turned Kwon Jiwook onto his side, lying beside him and wrapping his body from behind, their forms overlapping. Something heavy pressed against his tailbone. Before he could push it away, Park Juyeon’s hand slid to Kwon Jiwook’s groin, gripping the shaft between his closed thighs and teasingly stroking it from root to tip.

Already half-erect from the chest play, his cock twitched eagerly in Park Juyeon’s hand. Was it more sensitive because it’d been so long? Park Juyeon grazed his teeth against Kwon Jiwook’s shoulder over his shirt, making his body jolt noticeably. The more his groin was kneaded, the more his already-tightened thighs trembled and tensed.

“Ungh, hngh…”

“You say no, but you’re getting hard just fine. Feels good after so long, doesn’t it?”

“…”

Kwon Jiwook squeezed his eyes shut, trying to steady his shallow breaths. Even without looking, Park Juyeon could tell—from the way his body flinched when squeezed from tip to base, or the flushed, sunken nape of his neck. Honestly, Kwon Jiwook was holding up better than he’d thought. It almost felt unfair that Park Juyeon had held back all this time out of consideration. A mischievous urge bubbled up.

“Answer me. Did you forget already? You’re supposed to talk.”

“…! No, it’s good. More, haah, touch me more. Ah…”

“And?”

“And… ngh, and…”

Was there more to say? Kwon Jiwook buried his lowered face between the pillow and sheets, his eyes darting nervously. The ticklish sensation in his abdomen made him rub his knees together. When no answer came, Park Juyeon let out an exaggerated sigh. Noticing his reaction, Kwon Jiwook visibly stiffened.

“Looks like you really forgot everything. Aren’t you going to say thank you? It’s past my bedtime, and here I am soothing you because you can’t sleep.”

“Ah! Yeah, tha-thank you… ngh…!”

“You should’ve said sorry first just now.”

As soon as he finished speaking, Park Juyeon pressed the tip of his thumbnail firmly against Kwon Jiwook’s urethra. Before Kwon Jiwook could squirm away in surprise, he began digging in hard. Of all things, the last vivid memory of being catheterized by Lee Woojin was seared into his brain. Gasping and thrashing, Kwon Jiwook struggled violently.

Of course, with Park Juyeon holding him tightly from behind, it wasn’t easy. Unable to break free from those solid arms, he writhed futilely, reduced to repeating “Sorry” and “Thank you” in a strained, hoarse voice. Only when his trembling tone sounded on the verge of tears did Park Juyeon finally feel satisfied. A light chuckle escaped him.

As he relentlessly rubbed the slick, glistening shaft, Kwon Jiwook’s waist curved inward, resembling a squirming caterpillar. His knees, pulled up tight, made it inconvenient to keep touching him. So Park Juyeon switched from gripping the shaft to rubbing the underside with his palm, swiftly tracing the bulging veins. His outstretched fingers even burrowed between Kwon Jiwook’s legs, prodding his perineum.

The firm pressure on that tender flesh felt like an external stimulation of the inner scrotum or prostate area. It was a different kind of pleasure from direct contact—subtle and throbbing, driving him mad with need. With his eyes buried in the pillow, all his senses zeroed in below, his twisted legs tensing and relaxing repeatedly.

“Ahh, ngh… haah, ugh…”

Just a little more, and he could finish. Kwon Jiwook’s narrowed eyes fluttered open, trembling faintly. The pleasure teetering just shy of climax pulsed endlessly in his lower body. Then, in that moment, two long fingers suddenly plunged into Kwon Jiwook’s tightly shut rear.

“…!”

Gone were the days when his legs had been spread wide. Forcing open what was already closed and plunging in to the knuckles in one go, Kwon Jiwook jolted upright with a sharp, aching pain. Spotting his round head and burning red ears, Park Juyeon grinned. Seizing the brief moment his legs parted, he gripped Kwon Jiwook’s cock tightly.

Bending the inserted fingers, he probed that especially sensitive spot. “Hah, ah,” Kwon Jiwook gasped, his lifted head crashing back onto the bed. His attempt to steady his breathing was futile. One trembling shoulder visibly quaked. Scraping the inner walls recklessly and thrusting rapidly into the unsuspecting mucosa, Park Juyeon spiked his arousal in an instant. The hand jerking him off synced with the rhythm from behind, picking up speed.

“Uh, hngh, ahh…!”

Suddenly, Kwon Jiwook’s waist arched dramatically. Only Park Juyeon’s firm grip from behind kept him from collapsing entirely. His knees, bent near his stomach, and his arms clawing at the sheets straightened stiffly, trembling uncontrollably. It didn’t take long after the penetration for him to reach his peak.

Climaxing in Park Juyeon’s hand, Kwon Jiwook couldn’t even make a sound, his eyes clenched shut. Only after the wave of pleasure subsided did his eyelids crack open, twitching. The sensation of his vision whitening out was something he hadn’t felt in ages. This long-overdue release lingered stubbornly. Holding him close, Park Juyeon could feel every bit of Kwon Jiwook’s struggle to regain his senses amid the lingering ecstasy.

“Hak, haah… ugh…”

“If this were a while back, you’d have said this wasn’t enough. But after not doing it for so long, even just a hand gets you off fine,” Park Juyeon said with a loose smile, pressing soft kisses—smack, smack—against Kwon Jiwook’s ear. Though it was merely light teasing that brought him to climax, his body felt as drained as if they’d had intense sex. The broad embrace holding him tight was comforting. It was probably the first time he’d felt this at ease since returning to Park Juyeon’s house.

As if trying to wring out the lingering heat, Park Juyeon gripped the wet shaft and stroked it a couple more times before finally letting go. He pulled tissues and wet wipes from the nightstand, wiped his hands, and meticulously cleaned the cock he’d just been jerking. Kwon Jiwook, having barely steadied his wheezing breaths, glanced back at him.

“Why?”

“You’re not doing more…?”

“If we have sex, you’ll wake up tomorrow feeling like you didn’t even sleep. You’ll pass out.”

It wasn’t wrong, so Kwon Jiwook had nothing to say. He bit his pursed lips inward and lay back down.

“One good release, just enough to make you drowsy, is what helps you sleep best.”

“…”

Since when did he start caring about that…? Though Kwon Jiwook was satisfied with what just happened, he’d subtly hoped for more. They say big expectations lead to big disappointments, and Park Juyeon’s firm cutoff left him feeling oddly let down. But he was past the point of being surprised at himself. Kwon Jiwook had vaguely come to terms with his familiarity with sex with a man—though, admittedly, it was only with Park Juyeon.

“Got plans tomorrow?”

“Me?”

“Yeah.”

“Nope.”

Park Juyeon was still lying on his side. As he blinked and stared at Kwon Jiwook, the latter propped himself up unsteadily and met his gaze. Biting his dry lower lip as if wrestling with something, a faint grinding sound came from his teeth. After a brief hesitation, Kwon Jiwook shifted under the covers, moving toward Park Juyeon’s legs.

“Hyung, what…!?”

“If you don’t have plans… do it a little more.”

Kwon Jiwook tugged Park Juyeon’s sweatpants waistband down with his teeth. Only after stripping off his briefs the same way did Park Juyeon awkwardly cover his mouth with one hand. This Hyung really knows how to throw people off. Whether Park Juyeon stared wide-eyed at the top of his head or not, Kwon Jiwook needed his attention right now.

What followed was only natural. Even if his lower hole struggled with just fingers, his upper one remembered everything it had been taught. It was Park Juyeon who’d trained Kwon Jiwook’s mouth to take his cock with ease. Having drilled him to suck exactly to his liking, Park Juyeon couldn’t help but get hard as Kwon Jiwook expertly targeted his weak spots.

All that effort to clean up with tissues felt pointless now. If only he’d smeared it into his rear instead of wiping it off—sex would’ve gone smoother. Regretting the missed chance felt like a waste of time. Confirming his erection was firm enough, Park Juyeon lifted Kwon Jiwook’s body from between his legs, flipped him over, and gripped the base of his heated cock, rubbing it teasingly against the flushed hole.

“Nngh, ugh…!”

“Too… tight…”

Using the thick tip to slowly push in, a strained whisper mixed with ragged breaths burst out. Right—this hole was why he’d once put revenge on hold and kept him alive. How had he forgotten that? Park Juyeon smirked, slapping the trembling hips beneath him hard. Kwon Jiwook, sprawled flat with only his ass raised, let out a whimper.

The strain of accommodating Park Juyeon’s cock didn’t last long. Once he loosened him up by thrusting around, the moans turned needy in no time. Each time his insides were churned, uns swallowed saliva dribbled down his chin onto the sheets. The longer it went on, the more his consciousness felt sucked away. Staring blankly at the space between the wallpaper and furniture, Kwon Jiwook panted heavily. The deep probing hit his solar plexus, aching in a way that twisted into pleasure, his brows furrowing sharply.

“Ah, ahh, hah, ngh…!”

“…Kuh, ah…!”

It didn’t end after one or two rounds. The pent-up desire was more Park Juyeon’s than Kwon Jiwook’s. After taking it prone twice in a row, his body was flipped again, now facing Park Juyeon and the ceiling. Kwon Jiwook thought, even after so long, that his aroused face was still beautiful.

How much time passed after that? As his body shook intensely, dark shapes loomed over Park Juyeon’s shoulder. They seemed to watch him like apparitions. Ghosts? Come to think of it, the men tormenting him in his dreams looked eerily similar.

“…”

Before he could fully register fear of the intangible, his exhausted body let his eyelids droop heavily. Maybe he’d seen it wrong. Just a trick of the mind. He hoped the men’s voices, ceaselessly haunting his ears even in this moment of intimacy, would fade when he opened his eyes. Unable to tear his gaze from the black haze, Kwon Jiwook soon blacked out.

Being with Park Juyeon lessened the constant auditory hallucinations tormenting him, and spending the night with him reduced the frequency of nightmares. Whether they had sex or simply turned off the lights and lay together, Kwon Jiwook could sleep peacefully just knowing Park Juyeon was there. The next day felt noticeably easier too. Regardless of that calm, his reliance on Park Juyeon inevitably grew, though he remained unaware of it.

“I’ve got to step out today.”

“Hospital?”

“Yeah, it’s Saturday. Gotta go to the hospital.”

“…”

“You’ll be fine alone, right?”

It was a muggy day. Park Juyeon threw on a black T-shirt and got ready to head out. Kwon Jiwook just stared at him silently.

After spending every night together for a while, Park Juyeon judged that Kwon Jiwook’s condition had improved significantly and stopped locking the door when he left for errands. But that was it. No matter how many months or years passed, Park Juyeon had no intention of taking Kwon Jiwook along to visit the hospital. He had zero desire to let Kwon Jiwook see Park Yewon.

Hating Kwon Jiwook when thinking of his mother was natural, but dealing with him was something Park Juyeon would handle alone. He didn’t want to take revenge on her behalf or make her harbor resentment toward Kwon Jiwook. After all, Park Juyeon was the only one still floundering in a forgotten past—if he could escape it, that would be enough.

Kwon Jiwook, still silent, raised a hand and waved it lazily in the air. Park Juyeon frowned in displeasure.

“Why aren’t you answering?”

“Huh?”

“Can you stay alone or not?”

“Of course I can, you punk. Hurry up and go.”

His hand kept waving sloppily. Park Juyeon’s dark eyes flicked between the hand and Kwon Jiwook. Soon, he smoothed his furrowed brow without a word. But that blank, seemingly thoughtless expression was somehow scarier.

“…”

Feeling preemptively guilty, Kwon Jiwook shuffled over hesitantly, gently grabbed Park Juyeon’s cheeks, and planted a stiff smack on his lips. As awkward as his approach was, Park Juyeon’s wide eyes blinked rapidly in surprise. This far-from-gentle guy kept acting soft and docile, and it couldn’t help but feel novel. Noticing his reaction, Kwon Jiwook scratched the back of his neck, visibly embarrassed.

“Have a good trip… It’s just a goodbye.”

“Pfft… What’s this? Where’d you learn that?”

“Learn what? You used to do this all the time.”

“You remembered that? Guess you’re not as dumb as I thought.”

Park Juyeon tilted his head, looking at Kwon Jiwook with genuine surprise. Kwon Jiwook felt a little caught. Truthfully, he hadn’t remembered—it was just something he dredged up while panicking about how to salvage the moment.

“You’ve gotten kinda cute lately, what with the nightmares and all.”

“…”

“If you’d just lived quietly like this from the start without doing stupid shit, how nice would that have been?”

“…Go already…”

“Yep, I’ll be back.”

Even that clumsy kiss seemed to lift his mood. Park Juyeon chuckled, waved back at Kwon Jiwook, and left the house quickly. Even after he was gone, Kwon Jiwook couldn’t move from that spot. He stared at the doorway, as if Park Juyeon’s silhouette lingered, before finally turning and trudging back to his room.

“…”

Kwon Jiwook flopped onto the bed carelessly. Staring blankly at the ceiling, last night’s events crept into his mind. Park Juyeon definitely wasn’t as aggressive or violent as before. Instead, he’d gently coax him whenever Kwon Jiwook was stressed, as if afraid he’d break.

And the sex? It was so tender and meticulous, he wondered if this had always been Park Juyeon’s style. That must mean Kwon Juwook had been the one roughing him up back then. Compared to the detached Park Juyeon post-discharge, this was a huge improvement.

Kwon Jiwook was fine with that—no, he liked it. Park Juyeon might laugh if he heard this, but… it felt like being loved. Even without sticky-sweet gestures, it was like basking in warm affection.

No time to worry about labels like “homo” or “gay” or others’ gazes. There wasn’t anyone left around Kwon Jiwook to care about anyway. Having faced the feelings he’d denied, all he could do was crave Park Juyeon’s attention. He just wanted him to keep pouring it on like this.

Wanting Park Juyeon’s attention, leaning on him, living together without burden—there was just one downside. When Park Juyeon wasn’t around, anxiety aside, loneliness hit Kwon Jiwook first. He didn’t know why. The problem was how restless he felt without him.

Even turning on the TV didn’t spark interest. A variety show blared in the background, panelists laughing among themselves, but Kwon Jiwook, lying still with his eyes closed, scowled. Should he turn it off? He mulled it over briefly.

“…!”

That’s when it happened. Kwon Jiwook’s eyes shot open, his body stiffening. The strange voices, which had just calmed down, started murmuring in his ears again. Loneliness and everything else evaporated, replaced by creeping fear.

The loud TV mingled with the unidentified voices, fraying his nerves. Rolling his eyes around, he checked if anyone else was in the room. It was empty.

“Fuck…!”

Kwon Jiwook yanked the blanket over himself and curled up. What the hell? Why now, after it’s been quiet? He clamped both hands over his ears. When the chattering didn’t stop, he rubbed his palms against them frantically, drowning out the voices with noise.

His panicked eyes darted restlessly, his lips trembling as he muttered curses nonstop. What did I do wrong? Park Juyeon forgave me, and I decided to live right—so why are these weird bastards fucking with me? Anger surged, and he blurted out whatever came to mind.

“Who forgave what?”

“…!”

“Who? Forgave what, how?”

A heavy, unfamiliar voice dropped into his ears, startling Kwon Jiwook into holding his breath. What the hell? There’s no one here. It had to be a hallucination, but how could it sound so clear? Fear gripped him, and his prone, trembling body couldn’t lift its head.

Park Juyeon forgave you? That bastard’s forgiveness fixes everything? What about the kids you screwed over before him? How are you gonna take responsibility for their lives? Guilt he’d buried knowingly borrowed those unknown voices, hammering his ears. Even after covering them for ages, the sound wouldn’t fade. Finally, Kwon Jiwook threw off the blanket and screamed.

“Shut the fuck up, you bastards! What do you know?!”

The hallucinations paused briefly, then cackled as if mocking his fear, chattering among themselves.

“You should just die. You know that.”

“Choking him with a shirt would be fun. This fucker likes that kinda thing.”

“Right? He gets off on it.”

“What shirt? Not even a belt—seriously, are you idiots?”

The faint buzzing suddenly turned into the familiar voices of men. Too vivid to tell if it was real or hallucination, the dizzying noise overwhelmed him.

“Why do you hate me?”

“You wanted to keep going yesterday, didn’t you?”

“Yesterday? Park Juyeon’s been busting his ass every day to calm down a horny slut like you.”

This wasn’t real. It was just a hallucination conjured by his brain’s confusion. Kwon Jiwook knew that much, at least. Thankfully, he hadn’t mixed it up with reality yet. But for some reason, the voices wouldn’t stop. …Weren’t symptoms like this supposed to fade once you recognized them as fake? That’s why it was so disorienting.

“You were thinking how nice it’d be if that bastard Park Juyeon just roughed you up good, right? Haven’t you been thinking that all this time?”

Am I crazy? Have I finally lost it? Kwon Jiwook clutched his head, breathing heavily. He couldn’t keep his eyes still.

“Fuck, when did I ever say that…!”

“Back then, you loved it when we pinned you down and fucked you.”

“Want us to do it again?”

“…!!”

I knew it. It’s them. Those bastards. They’re the crazy ones, not me. When did they get in here? They must’ve snuck in while he and Park Juyeon were asleep and planted speakers in the room. That had to be it. He needed to find Park Juyeon, tell him, and make those guys pay.

But fear locked his limbs, rendering him immobile. The voices weren’t just piercing his eardrums—they felt like someone was hammering them straight into his brain.

With teary eyes, Kwon Jiwook stared into the void, his lips trembling. He wasn’t crazy yet. He had to stop these hallucinations before he truly lost it. Stumbling, he got up from the bed and staggered to the wardrobe.

“You being upset with Park Juyeon is all because he won’t fuck you, isn’t it?”

“Born for it, I swear. Won’t be satisfied till his ass is ripped apart, huh?”

“You saw it back then—choking him made him lose his damn mind. This guy can’t get off without it now.”

How do I stop it? They keep talking about choking—would it shut them up if he just hanged himself first? In a frantic rush, Kwon Jiwook yanked open the wardrobe door. Neatly hung shirts and folded T-shirts caught his eye. Picking up a white shirt, he looked down at his hand, trembling uncontrollably. It was pathetic every time he saw it.

How long are you gonna keep acting like a fuckup, Kwon Jiwook? Is this how you want to live? Listening to these inhuman bastards forever? Dark thoughts crept in, spreading like mold. As if they could see right through him, the voices snickered.

“…Shut up.”

“Is he trying to off himself?”

“Whoa, he’s actually doing it? Dumbass.”

Faceless men jeered at him. His grip tightened on the shirt with a crunch.

“If you’re gonna do it, do it right. Cum and die alone.”

“Then you won’t hear us anymore. We’ll really shut up.”

“Or just pretend to die. Don’t trust us?”

He squeezed so hard that, despite holding the shirt, his nails dug into his palm, nearly drawing blood. At this point, spite surged toward these unknown bastards. They’re provoking me because they think I won’t do it. Kwon Jiwook scanned the room. Nothing else stood out. With wide eyes, he finally spotted the doorknob.

Shuffling over, he knelt slowly by the door. He tied a knot with the shirt, looping one end securely around the outer knob and wrapping the other around his neck. The process didn’t require much thought. The shirt, now much shorter, made breathing tight even before he’d fully positioned himself.

Was it nerves? His racing heartbeat mingled with the voices, filling his head. Thump, thump, thump. Ignoring the ominous pounding, he adjusted his awkwardly bent body to sit properly. Then, exclamations erupted in his mind.

“Oh, nice form. Seen a lot of this, huh?”

“Better than I thought. You’re into this, aren’t you?”

“Hold on a bit longer, and we won’t bug you.”

“Good boy, listens well. Heh heh…”

Still here? The noisy chatter beside him grated on his nerves, and he scowled. He felt hazy, and after a bit more time, the mysterious voices seemed to recede into the distance. But he wasn’t choking yet. Idiots—if you’re gonna yap, at least check if I’m still breathing. Just pretending to hang himself had made the black haze retreat. They were so fucking stupid.

“Jiwook-i Hyung!”

“…!”

Suddenly, his vision snapped into focus, like waking from a dream. Coming to, he realized he wasn’t under the doorknob but lying on the floor. Park Juyeon, right in front of him, gripped and shook his shoulders fiercely, leaving Kwon Jiwook speechless and dazed. Park Juyeon looked so frantic that he couldn’t find words.

When had Park Juyeon, who’d said he was stepping out, come back? Still groggy, Kwon Jiwook fumbled at his neck—the shirt was already undone. Weird. He hadn’t passed out or stopped breathing, yet Park Juyeon’s face was desperate. Lifting his gaze, their eyes met, and Park Juyeon’s pupils dilated wildly.

“Hyung, are you fucking insane!?”

“Pa-Park Juyeon.”

“What the hell are you doing? Weren’t you getting better? Why’d you suddenly pull this shit? Why!”

Park Juyeon exploded. It wasn’t cold anger—his eyes reddened with raw, tearful fury as he shouted. Startled, Kwon Jiwook flinched. He’d never seen Park Juyeon lose it like this, and it threw him off. Unable to make a sound, he just moved his lips until he finally mumbled an excuse.

“No, I wasn’t trying to die, I swear. I was just pretending. I didn’t pass out.”

“Are you messing with me right now? Do you have any sense left? You just fainted, Hyung! You almost died! What were you gonna do if I’d come back ten—no, five minutes later…!”

Park Juyeon’s hands, clutching his shoulders hard enough to crush them, trembled finely. His desperate voice jolted Kwon Jiwook back to reality. Focus returned to his previously vacant eyes. Only then did his body register the threat, a chill racing down his spine. …What did I just do?

Kwon Jiwook bolted upright from the floor, looking around. The black mist that had lingered in the room’s corners was gone, washed away. A hollow hah escaped as his chest prickled with belated dread.

“W-Wait, Juyeon-ah. I didn’t mean to, really. Listen to me…”

“You can’t do this in front of me. I told you before, didn’t I? Or what—were you waiting for me to leave so you could pull this? Just to die? I told you not to do pointless shit!”

“…”

Panting, Park Juyeon steadied his ragged breaths. Now it was clear. It wasn’t a misunderstanding—he was hypersensitive. Park Juyeon was just as anxious and fragile as Kwon Jiwook, if not more. Why, he didn’t know. He only vaguely realized Park Juyeon reacted especially sharply to suicide.

“…Sorry.”

“…Ha, seriously…”

When Park Juyeon got home and habitually opened Kwon Jiwook’s door—or tried to—it felt off. Something heavy blocked it, resisting his efforts. After rattling the knob a few times and forcing it open, he thought his heart had stopped.

Wasn’t this over yet? What was still missing? Park Juyeon felt an indefinable emotion surge to his head. With nowhere left to climb, it spilled over his throat. Was it pure anger? Fear? It resembled exhaustion too.

After unloading his rage, Park Juyeon clamped his mouth shut, silent. Even after venting, he seemed to be digesting lingering feelings. Kwon Jiwook, who’d been watching his mood, spoke first.

“The truth is, I… hear voices.”

“…”

“It gets better when I’m with you, so I didn’t say anything until now, but sometimes I hear them.”

“…”

“Today was the worst it’s ever been. I know they’re not real, but they felt so real it scared me… So many talking at once, so loud, I couldn’t help it. They keep telling me to die. Said they’d stop if I did. But what was I supposed to do?”

“You don’t want to die, right?”

“No, absolutely not, I swear.”

Park Juyeon watched Kwon Jiwook with tired, sunken eyes. His extreme reaction must’ve been shocking—Kwon Jiwook still sat frozen, head lowered. Sighing repeatedly, Park Juyeon finally spoke.

“…If it’s too hard, want to get admitted?”

It was the last thing he wanted to say. If it’d escalated to a suicide attempt, even accidentally, hospitalization would be safer and better for monitoring his condition. But Park Juyeon didn’t want that. He wanted to handle it himself if he could. And Kwon Jiwook felt the same.

“…”

With a gloomy face, Kwon Jiwook shook his head. Inside, he wanted to snap. Am I crazy? A lunatic? I’m not insane! But after what just happened, even he couldn’t deny the clear signs of abnormality. So he quietly shut his mouth, only signaling his refusal.

“…Alright, got it. Then let’s just go to the hospital for meds.”

“…”

His voice was low, drained. What’s all this? Park Juyeon let out a few hollow laughs before carefully pulling Kwon Jiwook into a hug.

He hadn’t thought danger would never come. He’d just believed he could handle it. But nearly losing Kwon Jiwook blanked his mind. Who could guarantee this wouldn’t happen again? He had to hold Kwon Jiwook tighter, make sure nothing could sway him, make him look only at him. Park Juyeon’s arms tightened around him.

Caught off guard, Kwon Jiwook was enveloped in Park Juyeon’s embrace. A faint thought flickered. Had Park Juyeon ever gotten this upset out of worry for him before? Well, he’d said he was concerned, but never this intensely.

Kwon Jiwook mulled over that moment until he fell asleep. Picturing Park Juyeon’s beautiful, crumbling face made his chest tickle. For some reason, it wouldn’t fade.

Park Juyeon fell asleep holding him tightly. As a result, Kwon Jiwook felt weighed down, like he was trapped under a nightmare, but it kept him from doing anything reckless and forced him to sleep quietly, which Park Juyeon found quite satisfying.

On the other hand, Kwon Jiwook, restless from the uncomfortable sleep, pressed hard on the dark circles under his eyes. Dragged out by Park Juyeon early in the morning, he was utterly exhausted.

“…”

Looking at Park Juyeon, Kwon Jiwook always had the same thought: How’s that guy so decisive? Park Juyeon moved fast. It was his usual way, but especially when he set his mind to something—he’d get antsy if he didn’t act right away. Today was no different.

The next morning, he told Kwon Jiwook to get ready, hauled him to the bathroom, and tossed him clothes. Against all odds, their destination was a psychiatric clinic. Kwon Jiwook knew his condition wasn’t normal, but his prejudice against psychiatry was stronger than expected, leading to a lengthy argument with Park Juyeon out front.

Of course, Park Juyeon won. Waving with a smile as Kwon Jiwook trudged in with slumped shoulders, he entered the counseling room.

An hour later, Kwon Jiwook emerged with a sulky expression. Asked why, he just pursed his lips. In the car after picking up a month’s worth of meds, he finally grumbled openly.

“I didn’t even want to go to a hospital.”

The idea of frequenting a place called a “psychiatric clinic” seemed to bruise his pride. Park Juyeon chuckled.

“For someone who hates it, you don’t look too bad. Counseling went okay, huh?”

“No, it sucked. They treated me like a nutcase. Is that a doctor? Fuck…”

Park Juyeon, knowing Kwon Jiwook treated himself worse than anyone, just smiled without adding fuel.

“Really that bad? Weird. That doctor’s super nice.”

“…Dunno. It just was. You ever done counseling?”

“Me? Nah.”