DTL Ch 14 part 2

PR by neji

YeonJung stared blankly into space as she sat at the table. When the untouched coffee had cooled, she finally lifted the pen.

Min SeonJae-ssi. With only this written, the tears she had been holding back burst out. After taking out a tissue from its box, she pressed it to her eyes. With the trembling pen, she slowly pressed it down onto the paper and began to write.

[Min SeonJae-ssi.

I don’t know how to say this. No matter what I do, I feel like I’ll only end up angering you, but ultimately, I decided to write you a letter like this. This might be the longest thing I ever say to you. No, although it may sound high-handed, this might be the longest confession that the deaf Lee YeonJung has ever made in this world.

I’ve always wanted freedom. Ever since I was young, the first place I could remember was the hospital. Ever since I was a baby, I slept well. They said that I was a gentle baby that never woke up even when there was a loud sound in the vicinity. From the moment my mother found out that her well-behaved, kind baby had a hearing problem, I basically began living at the hospital.

After two failed Cochlear implant surgeries, my parents finally accepted the fact that I’d never be able to hear. The day I was discharged from the hospital, I was so happy. I even gave the nurse unni a wide smile as she took our picture in front of the hospital. The first thing my young heart thought was, ‘Ah, I don’t have to come to the hospital anymore.’ I was merely filled with a sense of relief. I hated the hospital that reeked of medicine and was filled with scary, frowning people.

Because my mother never gave up teaching me words, I was able to make sounds and speak. My mother misunderstood, and her biggest fear was that her daughter wouldn’t be able to take command of the language and drop in intelligence. Therefore, my days were filled with reading books and going to a special-education school.

However, my parents never liked it when I spoke in front of strangers. They didn’t want me to get hurt when people stared at me after hearing my strange voice and inarticulate speech. And so I learned how to communicate using sign language as well.

Starting in middle school, I stopped attending the special-education school and was transferred to a normal middle school. My parents were so proud. My parents thought the things I couldn’t experience due to my deafness weren’t a ‘deficiency’ but an ‘injustice’. That’s why they wanted me to grow up like the other able-bodied children. But they didn’t know how much pressure was put on me.

The students never tormented me or hit me, but I was basically an invisible person at school. I was like air. But it was never so difficult that I felt like dying. At the time, I already managed to overcome any thoughts of feeling like I was an unfortunate person. Once I realized that my parents had it harder than me, I did my best to become a kind daughter. Like a greenhouse flower, I grew up alone and lonely.

When I was accepted into the Moscow Flower School, it was a turning point in my life. I wasn’t very smart, and I wasn’t particularly talented in art. However, I was born into a family that was well-off. It was an impromptu decision that was made when I followed my father to Russia on his business trip. My parents were worried about enrolling me into a school like that, but it was the first time they respected me. Something like that was a miracle for someone like me.

When I was twenty, at an outdoor cafe, I met a Korean who was sitting in a wheelchair instead of a chair. He had become disabled after a motorcycle accident, but he was the brightest and most positive disabled person I had ever met.

We grew close very quickly. We did everything he wanted to do together. Sometimes, I did it in his stead. After signing a form that would not make the company liable for our deaths, we jumped out of a plane and even bungee jumped off of a cliff in New Zealand. I’d push his wheelchair as I screamed in a standing concert. We drank liquor late into the night, and I defied my mother for the first time in my life. 

We married, just the two of us, in the countryside. And my short marriage came to an end in a year and a half. When my mother came to see me, I was in the middle of helping him wash in the bathroom. When my mother saw me, she burst into tears. It was their first meeting, but he was naked and couldn’t even move away or cover his body.

I think I knew how we’d end up from that moment on. We were both young and immature back then. But rather than becoming physically tired from taking care of him, I was growing mentally exhausted. And rather than finding freedom in love, I grew weary from my reality. I left him and told him I’d be back, but neither of us believed it in our hearts.

And so, like that, I ran away to New York. Once I was there, I threw myself into my work. It was a way for me to forget my pathetic self. A few years later, he sent me an email. He told me that what I felt wasn’t love. That all I felt for him was merely sympathy. Therefore, he told me not to feel guilty. When I read that email, I felt that I was the one who was being pitied rather than him.

I’m sorry for rambling about someone else like this, SeonJae-ssi. But ever since we ran into him on that fateful day, I’ve always wanted to tell you this.

I heard that he had married someone else when I returned to Korea five years after I had gone to New York. I heard that his new wife was a wonderful, able-bodied person like you.

I felt weird. Although I knew that I should wish him the best, my heart didn’t follow. In the end, I felt like I was the one who was abandoned. And that’s when I met you.

That’s right. I’m confessing this to you now. When you asked me what I wanted in exchange for sleeping with you, I told you I didn’t need anything. Remember? After spending that shocking night with you, a man with whom I had no similarities, I felt as if a deep part of me was being liberated. 

Back then, I felt like I was tied down by my past. Maybe I used you to escape that man’s shadow. You were different from that man who was so free. You lived your entire life so aware of the eyes of others who always watched you.

The heart can be a funny thing.

I ate delicious food with you, tumbled in bed with you. And at some point, you slipped into my heart, Min SeonJae-ssi. My heart had been shut tight so that no one could come in. However, at some point, I realized that you were confidently sitting there all along.

I began to grow scared. My relationship that had begun without any expectations… I grew scared because I was afraid of expecting more.

And that day, we met with that man who represented my past. That day, I probably felt an emotion that I couldn’t describe. It wasn’t that I felt envious of the perfect family he had made.

Actually, I just felt very sorry. That’s why I didn’t want him to find out that I was living as someone’s hidden woman. I might have wanted to be more confident in front of him.

Laughably, I began our relationship with such confidence. But as time went by, I became the opposite. Just as I felt relieved at seeing his happiness, I wanted him to feel the same about me.

However, I couldn’t do that. Our relationship wasn’t healthy enough to let others know about it, and that’s when I realized our end was drawing near. It wasn’t your fault. It was me that began to change.

When you got angry with me, I actually felt relieved. When you were embarrassed of my disability, I felt that it was a perfect excuse to leave you. I didn’t want to be hurt by a condition I could not control, and I didn’t want to hurt others with it either.]

YeonJung sipped her cold coffee. She felt a part of her heart grow dull as she recalled the way he had looked as he leaned against the wall that snowy night. She might have realized it then. She might have known that she’d end up falling in love with him, and that this love would tie her down once again.

[And then you appeared before me again. Like an illusion. Just like that. No matter how much I tried to push you away, you snapped back like a rubber band. And I began to grow selfish once again. I was afraid of how I began to lean on you. But you never gave up and caught me. And I ended up falling in love with you. I came to accept this part of me. You must have accepted that side of you way before I did.

If someone asks me if all we had left before us was a ‘happily ever after’, I don’t know what I’d say in response. I never believed it when I heard people say they left because of love. Who would do something so idiotic as that? But, SeonJae-ssi, I must still be that scaredy-cat and an idiot. I’m pathetic.

I’m afraid I’ll pass down all the suffering I’ve experienced. And the fact that it might affect the one and only life that looks just like you pierces my heart. Just imagining your disappointment when you realize that the happy future you’ve envisioned with me is not attainable fills me with dread.

Loving someone is so difficult. The things I’ve never considered before become new fears and attack me every single day. Because I’m not strong, I don’t have the courage to face these fears. Because I’m pathetic and weak, I don’t have the confidence to live the life my parents lived.

You’re the same. There’s no reason for you to give up on the leisure of a normal life because of my selfishness. You’ve already given up so much to be with me. I don’t have the confidence to watch you go through more hardship. This is the last of my foolish pride, SeonJae-ssi.

I’m sorry, Min SeonJae-ssi.]

I was so happy to receive your proposal.

Truly.

YeonJung crossed out the final two lines. She colored them black until there weren’t any traces left. She tried not to cry, but tears dripped from her chin. YeonJung packed her bag and quietly exited the apartment. It was still dark outside. There was still a long time left before morning would come.

* * *

Ultimately, she couldn’t board the plane. Instead, she went south and stayed in the countryside at Hyejin’s grandmother’s house. Hyejin told her grandmother that this was the savior who had delivered her child, so she asked that she treat YeonJung as if she were her own granddaughter.

“Yer as pretty as a flower. What a pity that ye can’t hear.”

With a wrinkly hand, the woman stroked YeonJung’s hand with a pitiful expression on her face. YeonJung was grateful. She dried seaweed under the blazing sun. She felt that living this leisurely life wasn’t such a bad idea.

As the sun waned into the afternoon, she walked through the field, enjoying the wind brushing against her cheeks. It was a small joy she was able to enjoy every single day. The hot days passed by, and autumn had come in no time. YeonJung walked through the tall reeds and suddenly came to a stop.

“What… do I need to do… for you to go easy on me?”

SeonJae stood as he gazed at her. He stood in the middle of the field of cosmos flowers and reeds. YeonJung squinted from the dazzling sight. She slightly frowned. He stood on the other side of the old train tracks. The scene looked as if it had come out of a painting.

The details unfurled before her very eyes. She could see a train in the distance. SeonJae took a step towards her. How did he know where to find her? But that wasn’t important. She knew this better than anyone. No matter where she hid, he’d always find her.

“You said you didn’t have the confidence to see me suffer.”

Tears trickled down her cheeks as they glimmered in the sun. SeonJae took another step.

“No, Look at me. Take a good look at me. Watch how far I’d go for you. Be sad. Be sad from losing me.”

He continued to speak to her. YeonJung frowned and barely managed to open her eyes.

“Seo… SeonJae-shi…”

He took another step. When she saw his haggard face, her heart hurt.

“What do I have to do? I don’t know the answer. I woke up in the morning, and you weren’t there. I thought I was holding you tight in my arms, but you disappeared like the wind.”

He was now right in front of the tracks. He stood still. YeonJung’s eyes dilated. The train split through the wind and grew closer and closer.

“A world without you is boring to me. It doesn’t matter if I just die.”

“N…No… No!!”

She finally moved. YeonJung began to run. Her hair, which had grown longer, fluttered in the wind.

“Should I just die? Then will I stop thinking about you? If I stop breathing, will all this pain go away?”

Her heart raced like crazy. YeonJung screamed out as she sprinted towards him. The wind fiercely brushed against her cheeks.

“Then maybe my suffering will end. Is that what you want? Is this it, Lee YeonJung?”

No, no it’s not. No. Don’t do it!

She gasped for air as she raced towards him. Before she could reach him, the train passed by, causing a fierce gust wind to push against her. 

“Aagh!!”

The ground shook underneath her feet. The wind caused her hair to tangle into a mess. YeonJung kneeled on the ground and covered her face with both hands. Boo-boom. Boo-boom. Boo-boom. The train didn’t slow down. When the train had long gone, she finally wiped away her tears and looked up.

“……”

He was there. He was looking at her with the saddest smile on his face. A cry of despair burst out of her lips. Her body moved faster than she could think.

“Ugh… Huu…”

She stood up, her knees caked with dirt, and ran to him. Her legs gave out, causing her to stumble to the ground, but she got back up and ran. As soon as she crossed the tracks, SeonJae caught her as she jumped at him. Filled with relief, a cry burst out of her lips. 

“Uaah… Aah…!”

SeonJae held her squirming body in his tight embrace and stroked her head. She pounded her fists against his shoulders as she cried out like an animal. She thought the train would run over him. She thought she’d never see him again. So this is what it felt like to have one’s heart ripped to shreds. She felt as if she hadn’t quite caught her breath yet.

‘Thank you. Thank you for not taking this man. Thank you.’

“Why…! Why… Huu!”

As she thanked a god she didn’t believe in, she poured all her hate on this man.

‘Did this man truly plan on dying? Why? Such an idiotic thing to do, so why?!’

She hit his chest as she turned into a teary mess. SeonJae brought his face in front of hers. His lips trembled as they moved.

“Listen carefully, Lee YeonJung. If you leave, I’ll die. I’m threatening you right now. I can be even worse than this because I’m not a good guy. So don’t do this ever again. Don’t ever abandon me.”

“Wuu…”

“As long as I have you, I don’t need anything else. I don’t need a family, and I don’t need a child. Damn it… I thought you wanted one… I thought you wanted a child. That’s why I said all that, but…”

His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. YeonJung whimpered.

“I know what you were afraid of. If that’s all you were worried about, if you left because of something so trivial as that, I would have gone to the hospital and gotten surgery right away. I would have gotten snipped so that you don’t have to worry about a child ever again. Do you know that?”

YeonJung frantically shook her head.

‘My goodness. He didn’t really do that, did he?’

Her expression twisted on her face.

“N… N… No…”

No, SeonJae-ssi. Tears poured down her cheeks. The man grasped her shoulders as she wailed and made her look at him.

“Don’t worry. I only got as far as the front of the hospital before turning back because I thought you’d react like this. I can’t even make any decisions on my own now. Do you know that? I’m completely crazy for you. I’ve gone completely insane all because of you! I don’t like it when you’re hurt, so… I can’t even do anything without you anymore!”

“Ugh… Huu…”

Her legs gave out from under her and she fell on her bottom. With her still in his arms, he also collapsed as they rolled on the ground. As their bodies tangled in the field of reeds, he held onto her whimpering form and shouted out.

“I’m so crazy for you that I’m not scared of anything. All I need is you. If I can’t be with you, nothing… nothing has any meaning, you wicked woman.”

SeonJae was crying. His face twisted up like a young child’s as he cried. His tears dripped onto her face and mixed with hers.

“When I open my eyes in the morning, can’t you be somewhere my hand can reach?”

He continued to mumble something, but her eyes were drenched in tears so she couldn’t make it out. His hand grasped her tear-stained face.

“I love you, YeonJung. I love you. I’m in love with you. Can’t you… take pity on me? Can’t you… go easy on me? Please… Please… Save me. You…”

He laughed through the tears. Like a babbling baby, he continued to cry and confess his love to her.

YeonJung’s lips pressed up on his trembling lips. She could taste the salty tears through the kiss. Their tongues tangled together as they lapped at each other. He frantically drank her in as if he’d found an oasis in the desert.

She decided to accept it. She was absolutely certain. Her heart was fluttering for this man.

She made a decision. She’d be a bit more selfish for the sake of their love. She wouldn’t think about anything else other than this man in front of her. She probably came to this decision a long time ago.

“…I love you, SeonJae-ssi.”

“I want something more than those words from you.”

“SeonJae-ssi is… my-mine.”

“…Keep going.”

“I will never abandon you from now on. Because you’re mine. We’ll be together forever. You and me. Us.”

“…I like that.”

As they lay in the field of reeds together, YeonJung gazed at the man as he gave her a smile. She pulled him into her arms. If sounds had a color, she felt like she would be able to describe it. Right now, as the fall wind shook the reeds, the sounds were a blinding gold.