DTL Ch 14 part 1

PR by neji

“Do you feel unwell?”

YeonJung got out of the car and was just about to head inside when SeonJae grabbed her hand.

“Your expression seemed strange since a while ago. If you feel sick, tell me.”

They had just finished having dinner with the Hyejin couple and had just returned to her apartment. Hyejin, whose body was still swollen from her recent childbirth, met SeonJae and YeonJung with a bright smile. DongHoon, her husband, grabbed SeonJae’s hand and shook it vigorously as he gave him his thanks.

“My wife and I are in your debt. Thank you so much.”

“Not at all. YeonJung did everything. I was just the driver. I’m glad the mother and child are all healthy.”

Excitement was in the air as they progressed through the dinner. The Hyejin couple seemed to treat SeonJae with the utmost respect, and they jokingly asked when the wedding would take place.

“I really want to make YeonJung-ssi’s bouquet. I think it’ll bring me a lot of satisfaction if I see YeonJung-ssi walk down the aisle holding my bouquet.”

Hyejin looked at YeonJung as she spoke. YeonJung’s head shrank back in embarrassment as she met SeonJae’s eyes.

“Let’s get married quickly.”

SeonJae said this as he took some of the japchae that was sitting on the other side of the table and scooped some onto YeonJung’s plate. Until this point, YeonJung was fine.

“Shall we head inside to take a look at the baby?”

The baby YeonJung had delivered inside the car was a girl. Because she was still a newborn, she slept a lot. She slept all day and only woke up to drink milk from her mother’s breast. She was so small that she could fit in the palms of both hands, but she took after her mother and her cute eyes were round and bright.

She went through all the check-ups that were given to newborns, and the doctors declared her perfectly healthy without any abnormalities several times. The baby was so pretty. She was so small and cute that one would be too scared to touch her in fear of her shattering like a porcelain doll. YeonJung quietened her breaths as the baby woke up on the bed.

“She’s awake. Our little MinJung must have woken up because she knew her auntie and uncle were here.”

“Honey, calling them her auntie and uncle is too confusing. I think it’s better to refer to them as her godmother and godfather.”

“Are we in a foreign country? We’ll just call them auntie and uncle.”

Hyejin laughed as she carefully picked up the baby. The baby opened her eyes and dazedly stared at SeonJae.

“Would you like to hold her?”

“No, that’s alright.”

It wasn’t because he didn’t want to. SeonJae looked very flustered as he shook his head.

“She must be fascinated because she’s looking at her handsome uncle. Why don’t you try holding her? Think about it as practice for when you have your own.”

Hyejin joked as she grinned at YeonJung. YeonJung laughed awkwardly as she watched SeonJae take the baby. The tiny baby swung her small fist before putting it in her mouth. SeonJae’s posture was very stiff as he held the baby.

“Wow, SeonJae-ssi holding a baby actually looks pretty good.”

“YeonJung-ssi, hurry up and get married. Seeing the three of you together like this, you guys really look like a family.”

DongHoon laughed as he took the baby back and laid her back down in her small crib. The baby in the sky blue onesie splayed her arms and legs as if she were in protest. SeonJae wiped the sweat off his forehead and gave YeonJung an awkward smile.

That’s when she began to feel nauseous deep within her stomach. The moment she saw the slight hint of excitement in SeonJae’s face, she felt gloomy. She could no longer join in on the happy chatter from then on.

“N-No. I’m just… ah bit tired.”

“Shall I sleep here tonight?”

SeonJae held her arm and wouldn’t let go as he asked again. SeonJae had a meeting with a client tomorrow. He had a flight scheduled for Okinawa in the morning, but he was still worried about her.

“Tomorrow… business trip…”

“I can just send Team Leader Ahn. That’s what I pay him for.”

He told her in a flat voice. At this rate, it seemed that he truly wouldn’t let her go. YeonJung did her best to give him a smile.

“I’m see-riously oh-kay. Hur-rry. I’m just tired righ’ now.”

“Ah… is it because you’re on your period? Are you fatigued?”

He stroked her head. He looked so earnest that she couldn’t answer him back, so she merely nodded her head.

“I’ll come back on the earliest flight tomorrow night. If something happens, text me.”

“Oh-kay.”

“I really want to live with you as soon as possible.”

Surprisingly, the usually impatient SeonJae did not rush the wedding. It was true that he was swamped with work, but he also wanted to make sure they took the proper steps beforehand. They could have started living together, but he didn’t push for it. He said that he needed to receive YeonJung’s parents’ permission before going ahead with it. Because of the differences in their opinions, they often clashed, but YeonJung appreciated the heart behind it.

‘I want you to be the happiest bride in the world. I’d like for you to smile without any worries.’

After checking on her a few more times, he finally got inside his car. YeonJung made her way up to her apartment and finally flopped down on her bed.

‘Wow, SeonJae-ssi holding a baby actually looks pretty good.’

She couldn’t forget the way he had looked at Hyejin as he held the baby. He looked flustered but happy. SeonJae would definitely want a child. A pretty family. A happy family. A perfect family.

Can I give that to him?

As she grew depressed, she closed her eyes shut so that the tears couldn’t escape. She was plunged into a new, suffocating world.

‘I’m only feeling sad because I’m on my period. That’s why I’m having such trivial thoughts.’

She tried to look at it objectively, but the tangled threads in her heart could not be undone.

Vrrr—.

Her cell phone began to vibrate in her purse. YeonJung took out her phone in the darkness and read the message.

[Let’s push our wedding date forward, YeonJung.]

It was SeonJae. Before she could send him a reply, he sent her another message.

[Let’s also have a child as soon as possible.]

Haa. A sigh burst out of her lips. He ended up saying the very thing she didn’t want to hear. Drip, the tear she had been holding in trickled down her cheek.

[I can also give you everything, YeonJung.]

Was he also envious? Just as she had gazed at the perfect Hyejin family with so much envy dripping from her eyes, did he feel the same way? 

YeonJung knew he was serious when he told her he could give her everything. He would really do it. He would take responsibility for what he said. She knew this better than anyone.

‘And what about me? Can I give him what he wants?’

Would the love turn into sadness instead?

[You must be tired, so get some rest.] 

He had spent the entire day going around the department stores picking out baby-related items. YeonJung quickly moved her fingers and sent him a reply. Then she raised her hand and covered her face. Vrrr. She felt her phone vibrating again, but she merely bit her lips and didn’t move. She felt that if she didn’t do this, the hateful thoughts would slowly seep through her mind. Ever since she helped deliver Hyejin’s baby that fateful day, something began to twist inside her. She was scared. Seeing SeonJae’s disappointment. Seeing his sadness. Just imagining it filled her with dread to the point where she wanted to run away.

[I love you, YeonJung.]

Within the darkness, the message glimmered, but it did not reach her.

* * *

The winter had been long, but the spring was short. YeonJung experienced many sleepless nights, and whenever she barely managed to fall asleep, she’d be wracked with nightmares.

“Haa, haa…”

Nightmares had plagued her for days now. She felt someone giving her a fierce shake. Her eyes burst open. Cold sweat dripped from her temples.

“Are you okay?”

She saw his worried face illuminated by the lights in the room. When she sat up, SeonJae reached over to the bedside table and handed her the cup that had been placed there. YeonJung received it and gulped down the water. She finally felt as if she’d recovered her senses.

“Why are you having such a hard time sleeping these days?”

The lips that were pressed to her forehead were soft. At some point, she had grown used to his softness. SeonJae embraced her and slowly stroked her back. She felt the gentle vibrations as he murmured something into her ear. She rested her head against his wide chest and did her best to swallow her tears.

“Is something wrong? Tell me. You’ve been acting strange lately.”

After lying back down, he looked at her without turning off the lights. YeonJung couldn’t answer him, so she buried her face deeper into his chest. There was no way she could tell him. She had brooded over this for a few days now, but she always came to one conclusion.

‘I’m sorry, SeonJae-ssi.’

It was always the same dream. In her dream, she’d always be running after a young child with all her might. She’d be gasping for air as she ran, but she’d never be able to catch up to the toddling child. The child would approach the edge of the cliff without any notion of stopping.

No, baby. If you keep going, you’ll fall!

She would scream as hard as she could, but the child couldn’t hear. Ultimately, the child would fall off the cliff. The child would just barely escape her grasp, and she’d cry out with her arm outstretched.

Her screams would not reach the child. The child’s cries would not reach her ears, but her heart would rip instead. The sobbing child was a boy who looked just like SeonJae as he fell into the void.

As dawn broke, YeonJung carefully got out of bed. SeonJae squirmed a bit, so she tucked the covers over him. He settled back into a deep sleep. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she stared at him for a long time. His clean forehead, his seductive black brows and the eyelashes that framed the tips of his closed eyes. When those eyes were open, they caused its target to brace themselves with apprehension. His tall nose and slightly plump lips. And the hidden tongue that was surprisingly thick. She recalled the way it felt as it touched her skin.

YeonJung lightly touched the edge of his eye with the back of her hand. Her eyes went blurry with tears once again. The cleft on his stubborn jaw. And the slightly mischievous ears that slightly stuck out. She memorized every part of him.

‘I like SeonJae-ssi’s ears the best. I like how they stick out to the sides like this.’

‘You’re saying that because you know it’s my complex, right?’

‘They look like they’re so eager to hear my every word, so I like them. I’m serious.’

‘…If you like them, give my ears a kiss.’

‘……’

‘One more.’

‘……’

Would she ever be able to escape the flood of memories she had of him? Her eyes were still glued to him, but she forced them away. After walking out into the living room, she looked up at the clock. It was a little past 3 AM.

For the past month, she had been living at his place. They’d go grocery shopping together, cook together, eat dinner together… SeonJae was surprisingly very talented. He’d merely find a recipe on the internet, and the food would come out as expected.

‘What’s with your expression?’

‘It’s a lot more delicious than I thought it would be.’

‘That’s right. Actually, there’s nothing I can’t do.’

‘Haha.’

‘Why are you laughing?’

‘I find SeonJae-ssi’s sud-confidence quite funny.’

‘What kind of crazy word is that?’

‘Sudden confidence. When you’re confident without any proof.’

‘I don’t have proof. You’re right about that. But I’m talking from the statistical probabilities that come from experience. I believe I’ve told you this before.’

‘When?’

‘Ah, so you don’t remember? I’ll make you eat your words in ten seconds, YeonJung-ssi. I’ll bet on this pasta dish.’

Ultimately, they ended up eating the overcooked pasta on the sofa on a Sunday morning. Would she be able to forget this day? In order to forget it, she’d have to forget the other memories of the Sundays she’d spent with him.

Walking past the kitchen, she opened the bathroom door. She turned on the cold water and rinsed her red, swollen eyes. After wiping her face with a towel, another memory began to float into her mind.

‘The bathroom is for bathing.’

‘So you don’t want to?’

‘No, I like it. You’re slippery, SeonJae-ssi. Whenever my skin rubs against yours, I like the feeling.’

‘…How do you think I feel right now?’

‘I think you feel goo-…’

He pulled her into a rough embrace from behind, causing the rest of her words to be lost. Every time she saw the sloshing water in the bathroom, she couldn’t block this memory from popping into her head.

In the mornings, they’d leave for work together in his car. Before they got out, they’d give each other a peck as they started their day. Two days ago, he went out with her to help her find a new workspace. He had wanted to buy her old workspace for her, but the old owner had sold the building, and the new owner had rebuilt a four-story building in its place. He gave her the sorriest look in the world when they discovered this.

‘Because it’s the place where we first met.’

Is this what it meant to live with him? Comfort mixed with heart flutters. They were basically a married couple already. There wasn’t anything to hold them back from progressing, but she kept hesitating. They had decided to get married in one week, but they kept pushing it back. In a few days, it would have been a month. SeonJae told her he’d go to meet her parents tomorrow to receive their permission. He told her as he hid his nervousness.

‘What if… Seriously, if they are against it until the very end, let’s just tell them you’re pregnant. We can just make that reality later. I’m really going to do a good job. Even if they don’t like me right now, ultimately…’

Sleeping behind the closed door of the bedroom, SeonJae and YeonJung were only three meters apart. If she escaped this man as she did in the past, would things get better?

She knew it wouldn’t. When she left him two years ago, she had denied the feelings she had for him in her heart. However, it was different now.

‘I love him.’

She’d never liked someone this much before. This was the first time she felt so scared because of these feelings. The more she watched him speak about their happy family with such certainty, the more her heart filled with apprehension. At some point, he had stopped using condoms, but she had taken birth control pills in secret. But she still felt nervous.

‘I hope our child will be a daughter who looks just like you. I don’t plan on marrying her off until she’s twenty-five years old. Ah, but if her personality takes after mine, that won’t be good. Then there will be war. But if her personality is just like yours, that’s also a problem. I think I’ll always lose to her. To a little kid.’

Sometimes, when she was blankly looking out the window, he’d walk over to her and say something like that. She no longer had the energy to laugh in response.

‘What if the child is just like me? What if she gets my disability as well? What will we do then, SeonJae-ssi? Do you have the confidence to overcome something like that? I’m scared. I’m scared that my child’s world will be silent. I don’t have the confidence to see your disappointed face. Just thinking about your broken heart makes me want to collapse.’

With a trembling hand, she took out a mug and brewed herself a cup of coffee. Sitting at the table, she turned on the dim light of a lamp and gazed down at an empty piece of paper for a long time. She was pathetic.

Ever since he had entered her broken world, she felt as if it was being filled to the brim. However…

YeonJung bit her lips. She was angry. The nightmares that visited every night drove her crazy. The way his face would brighten up as he spoke of their child… He didn’t know. He didn’t know how loud it could get in a deaf girl’s world. How loud the whispers of others could be even if she closed her eyes.

She was too selfish. She wanted him, but she couldn’t give him what he wanted. How much could he handle? She knew better than anyone what it felt like when a couple continued to stay together despite becoming tired of the other.