DALI Ch 1

Even past midnight, the night lights of the basketball court shone dazzlingly. Bouncing the ball on the ground, where the heat hadn’t yet dissipated, produced a cheerful sound.

Our team was losing. With only 30 seconds left, it was impossible to overturn the score difference. I tried to excuse myself by saying that we weren’t usually this far apart in skill, but my mind was scattered and I couldn’t concentrate properly because Inha was supposed to arrive around then.

Beep—!

Right after I raised my arm to shoot, the whistle pierced my ears. Even though I knew the points wouldn’t count, I shot the ball a beat late. Perhaps because I didn’t put much force into it, the ball cleanly swished through the net.

Belatedly, the net swayed, and the ball landed on the floor with a thud. Someone gave a perfunctory clap for the last goal.

As soon as I turned around, wiping my sweat with my t-shirt, one of my teammates tapped me on the shoulder.

“Jihee, isn’t that your friend over there?”

I quickly turned my head towards the bench, and sure enough, I saw a figure with a hood pulled low over their head sitting on the dimly lit bench.

It was Inha.

A smile automatically spread across my face as soon as I saw him. I hurriedly said goodbye to my teammate.

“Yes, hyung. I’ll get going.”

“You’re not going to play anymore?”

“No, my friend is waiting.”

“Oh, okay.”

My teammate, who was waving halfheartedly, asked as if disappointed.

“But doesn’t your friend play basketball? He comes here all the time.”

“He doesn’t like exercising.”

“It’s okay even if he’s not good. We’ll teach him everything.”

“I’ll ask him. I’ll get going then.”

As I left, my teammates called out.

“Bring your friend next time.”

“We’ll go easy on him!”

Those guys are always trying to coax any new face into playing basketball. This is probably even more so because it’s neighborhood basketball where it’s hard to even fill the three-on-three roster. I smiled vaguely and jogged towards Inha.

“You should’ve called me if you were here.”

At that moment, something squished under my foot.

“Whoa, what is this?”

I lifted my sole and looked down to see crushed dark purple mulberries. The mulberries, which had burst with a splat, left dotted stains all the way to the toe of Inha’s sneakers.

“Sorry. It splattered on your shoes, too.”

I bent down to look at Inha’s stained sneakers, and he slightly pulled his foot back.

“It’s fine. They were dirty anyway….”

Only then did I notice the remains of mulberries scattered on the sidewalk. As if hit by a mulberry bombardment, the gray sidewalk was a mess of stains from the slaughtered dark fruits.

I plopped down next to him.

At the same time, Inha silently offered me a cold drink.

“Huh?”

“You drink it.”

As I took the can, the coolness that touched my palm was incredibly refreshing. I held the surface of the can against my flushed cheeks to cool them down before opening it.

“The hyungs seem very interested in you.”

“Why?”

“Why, of course. They want you to play basketball.”

At my words, Inha simply pulled his lips into a small smile. Even though he was wearing a hood in a dark place where even the lights didn’t reach, his jet-black eyes, shadowed as they were, held a light from who knows where.

Is it because his eyes are naturally more watery than others? I speculate on the reason why Inha’s eyes sparkle.

“I can’t play basketball. My knees hurt….”

Inha’s voice was a bit subdued. As if it was the first time he had spoken today.

As if he also noticed it, he brought his fist to his mouth and cleared his throat with a small “ahem” before finishing his sentence. Inha was rather taciturn, so there were times when he wouldn’t say a word all day unless someone spoke to him.

Surely, this isn’t the first time he’s talked to someone today.

While gulping down the drink Inha brought me, a thought suddenly occurred to me, and I added,

“You don’t have to buy me these things.”

“I didn’t buy it.”

“Then?”

“It was in the practice room.”

Lies.

The can was cold as if it had just been taken out of the refrigerator, and it was sweating with condensation. Inha’s company is about a 15-minute walk. There’s no way a can could be this cold after enduring the heat on a day like today.

I glanced at the convenience store nearby, which was brightly lit.

However, instead of pressing him for the truth, I quietly observed Inha’s profile. There was only one reason why this small kindness felt both appreciated and not appreciated. It was because Inha’s daily meal allowance from the company was a mere 8,000 won.

“What did you eat today?”

“Kimbap at a place near the company.”

“Did you add ramen to the kimbap?”

“Just kimbap today….”

“Why? You should have ramen. You like cheese ramen.”

“…I have to diet.”

“There’s nothing more for you to lose.”

It was obvious that he had saved his meal allowance to buy the drink, but I didn’t press him further. Instead, I said what Inha probably wanted to hear.

“I’m alive thanks to you.”

“…….”

“Thanks for the drink.”

I placed my hand on his hood, and Inha just shook his head, trying to shake my hand off. Instead of complying with Inha’s intention, I pulled back his hood, revealing his hair.

“Hey! I’m sweaty….”

Inha fumbled several times, trying to put his hood back on. But it was easier than eating cold porridge to grab the hem of his clothes and dodge his attempts.

After engaging in this meaningless hand-fighting, Inha gave up first, dropping his hands in exhaustion. I thoroughly ruffled Inha’s hair. Instead of the smell of sweat, a faint shampoo scent emanated from his soft scalp.

As the sound of the ball bouncing on the court began again, Inha asked,

“Aren’t you going back to play basketball?”

“No, I’m done for today.”

“Play some more.”

“I’m going to be with you.”

At my casual reply, Inha fell silent again. This time, I asked,

“Are you going back to the company? I’ll take you before you go home.”

“2 AM… I just have to be there by then.”

“Then let’s sit for a bit before you go. When does your practice end?”

“Hmm.”

Inha paused for a moment before adding,

“Until they tell me to stop….”

“Then you’ll be staying up all night again today.”

I placed my hand on Inha’s knee. I was curious if he was wearing his knee brace properly under his pants.

“…Hmm.”

His knee twitched slightly the moment my hand touched it. Fortunately, I could feel the contours of the taping and knee brace under his training pants.

“Is it a bit better today?”

As I kneaded his knee, Inha let out an ambiguous moan.

“Does it hurt even just from touching it like this? That’s not good, it seems a bit swollen. Lift your leg.”

“It’s fine….”

“I’ll massage it. Give it to me.”

I placed one of Inha’s legs, which was offering a slight resistance, on my thigh and pressed the area below his knee, on his shin. Pressing the fascia between the slender bones and muscles relieves accumulated fatigue. As if he liked the touch despite his initial protest, Inha remained silent throughout the massage.

“How are you going to practice all night with your knee hurting like this?”

“I know, right?”

Inha gave a lighthearted chuckle.

“You’re laughing.”

At my words, Inha’s lips tightened, as if he had been reprimanded.

“It’s the first time I’ve seen you laugh today.”

“I, is that so….”

Inha muttered, bringing his hand to his mouth.

“They told me not to laugh at the company….”

“Why?”

“They said I look stupid when I laugh.”

“That’s weird of them? You look much better when you smile.”

I was genuinely curious. Whether it made sense to judge the beauty or ugliness of expressions on a face like Inha’s.

Of all the handsome guys I know, Inha is the prettiest, and of all the pretty guys, he is the most handsome. With a small face and a high nose bridge, his nickname when he was young was Juliet. The nickname started on the day we all watched the classic movie Romeo and Juliet at school, when someone spread the word that the female lead’s profile looked exactly like Inha’s.

While his small head and profile, with contours as steep as a foreigner’s, resembled a foreign movie star, his long eyes with inner double eyelids had a very slight outward turn, creating a unique atmosphere. It was absurd that people would judge this face, which looked pretty no matter what expression he made.

Anyway, no one can ever criticize Inha’s looks.

If I had to find a flaw… it would be that he’s too thin.

He was already thin, but he lost another 6kg preparing for his debut. Even Inha’s calf, which I was currently massaging, had such a thin layer of fat that it looked like his skin was directly covering his bones and muscles.

Even though he was nothing but skin and bones, the company told him he needed to lose another 2kg. Saying that he needed to do that to look the same on screen as he did in real life.

“…….”

I silently took Inha’s other leg and massaged it. Even while receiving a massage from me, Inha kept shifting his sitting position. It was a habit he had developed because his hip bones ached if he sat in one position for too long.

“Is it a little better?”

“Much better.”

I stood up first and offered him my hand, and Inha naturally took it. With the momentum of me pulling him up strongly, he sprang to his feet.

We soon gathered our belongings and left the bench. Unlike me, who was loaded with a school bag, a track jacket, and a gym bag containing a ball, Inha, who had just come straight from the practice room, had nothing in his hands. Inha reached out his hand meaninglessly as if to carry something for me, but I didn’t let him take anything.

We slowly exited the park. In the distance, we could hear the frail chirping of nighttime cicadas. It was a peaceful yet somehow melancholic sound.

It was while we were walking, avoiding the uneven sidewalk tiles warped by the sprawling tree roots, that Inha, who had been silent for a while, hesitantly spoke.

“You know, you.”

“Yeah?”

“You… you received a confession, right?”

At that moment, the memory of the daytime, which I had completely forgotten, suddenly came back to me.

The letter and Choi Heejoon.

As I realized that such a thing had happened today, I was even more surprised by the fact that Inha knew about it.

“How did you know that?”

I stopped walking and asked, wide-eyed, and Inha stopped as well.

“The person involved was talking about it.”

He, on the other hand, seemed a bit nervous, surprised by my reaction.

“He… he didn’t say anything bad. He only praised you.”

“…….”

“It’s true. He said he was glad it was you he liked. That he was glad he confessed….”

Inha’s voice grew quieter and quieter. He seemed to think he had said something he shouldn’t have.

“Ah…. I see. I just, I didn’t think you’d know. But it’s okay if Choi Heejoon told you himself.”

Even during the short time I spoke, Inha kept checking my expression. My face must have been quite stiff.

“But wouldn’t it be bad for him if word gets out? Him confessing to a guy, and telling people himself?”

“Yeah, Heejoon doesn’t hide things like that.”

“He’s that type of person, huh.”

“I’ve known that Heejoon liked… men since a long time ago… but I didn’t know he liked you… so….”

Inha stammered, licking his dry lips. His eyes darted around uneasily. For some reason. As I watched Inha with a puzzled look, he asked me again,

“You rejected him, right?”

“Of course.”

At my immediate answer, Inha seemed rather speechless. I asked again,

“Why?”

“…Ah. It’s nothing, it’s just, Heejoon seemed so happy even though he got rejected, so it was strange…. I wondered if you had actually agreed to date and I just heard wrong. Haha. That makes no sense.”

“…….”

That confused expression, relieved yet somehow anxious. It was me who felt suspicious of Inha’s unusual reaction, which was different from his usual self.

We started walking again. With my hands in my pockets, I conveyed the feelings I had felt during the day.

“Well… I was just a bit surprised, but imagine how much he must have agonized over it. So I wanted to be kind, at least at the end. As much as possible….”

At my words, Inha lowered his gaze and slowly nodded as if in understanding.

“But did I do the right thing? I don’t know.”

“What?”

“Choi Heejoon, he cried.”

“…….”

“I wonder if there was a better way.”

“A better way?”

“Yeah, a way to not make him cry.”

Inha, who had been quietly listening to me, softly muttered,

“You’re a really strange person, Jihee….”

“Huh?”

“Others wouldn’t have been able to do it like you.”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah, I think I would have been the same.”

“The same as what?”

“Honestly, that kind of thing… it’s disgusting.”

Saying so, Inha gave an awkward laugh.

The shock I felt when the word “disgusting” came out of Inha’s mouth, and the fact that he said it while laughing, is beyond words.

“Why is that disgusting?”

I stopped abruptly and asked. Inha also stopped and looked back at me.

As soon as our eyes met, I said,

“Inha. When you look into the eyes of someone who is truly, sincerely confessing, you can’t think it’s disgusting.”

“…….”

“No… maybe some people do. But I….”

My words weren’t well organized. As far as I knew, Inha was a kinder and more open-minded person than me. The fact that Inha, of all people, said “disgusting” about a homosexual friend who was close to him was a huge shock to me.

“Ha… Inha. I thought you’d be the same as me.”

In the darkness, Inha’s eyes wavered silently.

“He must have known. That it wouldn’t end well. But knowing all that, he still mustered up the courage to tell me. I don’t want to belittle that courage. So Inha, you too… please don’t say things like ‘disgusting’ to those kinds of friends.”

“…….”

“I was just, a bit surprised. That you, of all people, would say that.”

“Ah, yeah….”

He lowered his eyes as if avoiding my gaze and opened and closed his mouth several times as if trying to say something. But in the end, no words came out of Inha’s mouth.

My heart was heavy. After expressing my honest feelings, I felt suffocated because it ended up sounding like I was reprimanding my friend.

Since Inha didn’t seem like he was going to move for a while, I started walking first. Even then, Inha still remained stopped a few steps behind me.

“Inha.”

“…….”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Then let’s go.”

I approached him again and nudged his thin shoulder, and Inha finally started walking. Maintaining a completely different kind of silence than before, we walked to Inha’s company.

Even after arriving in front of the company, Inha remained gloomy. He’s a kind person, so he must be feeling guilty after hearing my reprimand. I felt sorry for unnecessarily upsetting him, so I tried to apologize first.

“Inha.”

“Yeah.”

“Do your best with practice… and don’t overdo it.”

“Yeah.”

Inha barely answered, his head hanging low.

He looks so down.

I purposely, playfully flipped his hood back. Unlike earlier when he resisted having his hood taken off, this time it fell back limply. His neatly combed hair and his alarmingly thin and long neck were fully revealed.

“Inha, are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

Inha said, his gaze fixed on the floor. His dejected face bothered me.

“Are you coming to school tomorrow?”

“…Maybe.”

A strained voice escaped his throat, as if he was choking back tears.

Immediately after, Inha mumbled softly, “I’ll go,” and disappeared into the building as if running away.

🌌

Contrary to him saying he would “maybe” come, Inha didn’t come to school the next day.

I, too, was bothered by the uneasy way we had parted last night. I wanted to see his face to put my mind at ease, so I went to his classroom, but Inha was nowhere to be seen all day.

Perhaps my constant peering into the performing arts classroom every chance I got annoyed someone, because finally, someone told me,

“You’re looking for Myung Inha, right?”

“Uh? Uh…. Did he come and go, or did he not come at all?”

“He didn’t come at all. I heard his company has their monthly evaluation today?”

I try to recall if Inha mentioned anything like that to me yesterday.

I remember him saying he had to practice all night….

“Ha…”

I scratched the space between my eyebrows and sighed. Judging by the atmosphere yesterday, it felt like he was going to say something but couldn’t.

Even though the atmosphere at our school, with its many celebrities and trainees, was quite liberal regarding attendance, Inha tried his best not to miss classes. Even when he was on the verge of collapsing from all-night practice, he would come to school and sleep, and even if there was a monthly evaluation, he would come to school first and then leave early. I was worried about him choosing to be absent, which was rare for him.

[Inha. Do you have time tonight?]

[If you’re not too tired, let’s meet for a bit.]

[I’ll go to your dorm.]

I sent several messages, but there was no reply from Inha.

He’s not the type to ignore me on purpose, so is it because he can’t check his phone at the company…?

Even as the night deepened, there was no reply from Inha. Because of this, my worries continued even after I finished my day and arrived home. I carefully considered which would be better: bringing up yesterday’s incident and stirring things up again, or pretending nothing happened and waiting patiently. But I didn’t think I could stand just waiting like this.

Was I shocked because Inha said homosexuals are disgusting? Truthfully, yes.

But was I disappointed in Inha? No.

The possibility that Inha was hurt by my words? …Yes.

In the end, the conclusion I reached was that I had to apologize first.

At 11 PM, before midnight, I quietly left the house. Leaving the empty house with my parents away, I habitually left a short note on the dining table. There was a high chance they wouldn’t see it, but just in case.

[I’m going to meet a friend for a bit.]

As I left the apartment, the taxi I had called had already arrived. Perhaps because there was no traffic, it took less than 10 minutes to get to Cheongdam-dong.

“Please stop on the main road, not inside the alley.”

The driver readily stopped the car in front of the crosswalk. As I got out of the taxi, the humid summer night air clung to my skin. At the same time, the headlights of cars starting simultaneously after receiving a signal in the distance poured into my view.

Turning my back to the lights, I started slowly climbing the alley, which was almost a hill. Unlike the well-paved main road, the alleyways in this area were quite steep, going up and down.

Around the time sweat started to trickle down my neck, I stopped in front of an old villa building. Amidst the densely packed stylish new buildings, this place, with its red brick exterior, stood out as being old.

Ding-dong.

Even after a long time after pressing the doorbell, there was no response from inside. I took a couple of steps back and looked up at the 4th floor, where Inha’s dorm was.

“…All the lights are off.”

I pressed the doorbell again and tried calling Inha.

—The number you have dialed is currently powered off….

“He’s not answering his phone either.”

I felt inexplicably anxious. I wonder if he’s still at the company.

While contemplating whether to go to the company, I pressed the doorbell a few more times meaninglessly.

But then, suddenly, I heard the sound of the lock disengaging along with an electronic beep.

“……!”

Hesitantly, I pushed the door, and it opened smoothly. I ran up to the 4th floor in one breath, following the lights that turned on one after another. The front door was wide open.

“Inha?”

I called out his name and stepped into the cramped entrance.

“Wow, this is really… every time I see it.”

I clicked my tongue, looking down at the entrance. Shoes were not only crammed into the entrance, but also overflowing into the living room because there was no more space to put them. I carefully took off my sneakers, staggering so as not to step on someone else’s shoes, and went inside. I could hear the sound of running water from inside the bathroom, which faced the entrance.

I approached the bathroom door, put my ear against it, and knocked lightly. The sound of water stopped abruptly.

“Sorry, I was washing up.”

Inha’s voice came from inside. So that’s why he was late opening the door, I thought understandingly, and stepped back from the door.

Come to think of it, there were water droplets scattered all the way from the entrance to the bathroom. I chuckled, imagining him rushing out naked, just opening the door, and going back in.

There was no sign of anyone else, as if Inha was alone in the dorm. I sat on the living room floor, which didn’t even have a sofa, and looked around the dorm, which resembled an animal’s den.

As always, it was a sight that made me feel suffocated just looking at it. The reason why it felt so stuffy despite not being that cramped was because clothes racks were installed all around, even up to the windows. The small room used as a dressing room had long been full, and the clothes racks that had started to be placed one by one in the living room, due to lack of space, had taken over the entire house. Because the clothes were tightly packed in two layers, top and bottom, the lighting wasn’t good even though it was on the 4th floor.

Can’t they get a better dorm? It’s ridiculous that six guys live in a place like this.

Inha’s company wasn’t that well-known. Even though I knew there were limits to how much money they could invest in trainees, I couldn’t help but sigh at their treatment.

A little while later, Inha came out of the bathroom. The hot, humid air from the bathroom drifted into the living room.

“It’s hot, right? Should I turn on the fan?”

“It’s okay….”

Before I could even finish my answer, Inha turned on the circulator fan that was on the floor. Then, sniffing, he went to the dressing table and started applying lotion to his face.

“Have you been crying?”

I asked, looking at Inha, who had his back to me. His hand, which was rubbing his cheek, stopped momentarily.

“No…?”

He denied it so calmly that I almost fell for it. But if I wasn’t mistaken….

I got up and stood behind Inha.

“Then why are your eyes so swollen?”

At that moment, our eyes met through the mirror. His eyelids were so puffy that his inner double eyelids had disappeared, and the redness around his eyes and the tip of his nose clearly indicated that he had been crying.

Perhaps thinking there was no point in denying it any longer after being caught, Inha turned around with a resigned look.

“My face looks funny, right?”

“Did you get scolded a lot?”

“Huh?”

“It was your monthly evaluation, right?”

Having deduced the reason for Inha’s tears, I asked. Inha was silent for a moment, then quietly nodded.

“…Yeah.”

“But where did everyone go? The others from your company….”

I asked, looking around the excessively quiet dorm, and Inha answered, sniffing.

“They went home… because the evaluation ended today.”

“Did you get a break or something?”

“Not really, but…”

Inha replied casually. Anyway, hearing that everyone had gone home to their parents’ houses to rest made me feel even more glad that I came today. Inha, a practice worm, rarely goes home even during breaks.

He would have been alone all this time if I hadn’t come. In this dark house, with the lights off.

“Can I sleep over today?”

Perhaps it was an unexpected question, Inha looked at me with surprise.

“Suddenly?”

“Yeah, if it’s okay.”

Then he mumbled in a slightly dejected voice,

“…Of course it’s okay.”

We soon spread out a futon on the living room floor, which resembled an animal’s den. We brought blankets and pillows scattered around the bunk beds to create a cozy space, turned on the living room TV, and chatted idly while watching YouTube on our phones.

A little while later, Inha started applying pain relief patches to various parts of his body. However, he seemed to be struggling with his back, presumably because it was hard to reach, repeatedly applying and removing the patches.

“Give it here. I’ll help you.”

“No, I can do it myself.”

“Really? It’s completely crooked.”

As I brushed the back of his hand against his back, Inha flinched and quickly moved away from me. Inha is extremely ticklish.

“Give it to me. I’ll put them on for you.”

“I can do it myself.”

“You can’t.”

“I can, I’ve always done it myself.”

“Who doesn’t know that? So just let me help you today.”

As I flipped up his stretched-out t-shirt, he tried to run away with a yelp. But I knew his biggest weakness.

“Don’t!!!”

The moment I lightly grazed his side with my fingertips, Inha rolled around on the futon, screaming neither laughter nor cries. Thus, I gained the upper hand without much effort.

“You!”

Inha looked at me with a face full of betrayal, covering his stomach with both arms. In front of his wary expression, I gentlemanly, yet as if ready to reach out again at any moment, spread out both hands and simply looked down at him.

“Wh, why are your hands like that? Don’t.”

“I’ll just put on the patches. Really.”

“No! Just don’t touch me.”

“I’m telling you the truth.”

However, even the gesture of moving my hands towards his waist, without even retracting them, made him collapse on the floor like a scarecrow, still protecting his stomach. He huffed as if frustrated with himself for flinching every time I moved my hand slightly, then, realizing he couldn’t escape the threat of tickling, he reluctantly turned his back to me.

“Do it without touching me as much as possible….”

“How can I put on patches without touching you?”

“Don’t… Ack!”

“Haha, what did I even do?”

Perhaps due to the aftereffects of being tickled once, he flinched even when I hadn’t even touched him. Even while I applied the patches with minimal contact, he turned his body several times in a defensive posture. I laughed out loud for the first time in a while, amused by his actions. Inha looked embarrassed but didn’t let his guard down until the very end.

“I was really gentle. I barely touched you with my fingers.”

“…Really, don’t. I’ll really get mad.”

“I said I know. I really won’t.”

“Heuh… ugh….”

I chuckled, amused by him lying face down and trembling, and applied the last patch. Certainly, they were applied much more neatly and without wrinkles than when he had done it himself.

“Why is your back so bony?”

As a sign that I was finished, I smacked Inha’s back once.

“Ouch!”

He rubbed his reddened back and pulled his t-shirt down, having been hit for no reason.

It was after we had settled down again after the commotion that Inha’s stomach started rumbling. At first, I thought I had misheard, but after hearing it three times in a row, five minutes apart, I couldn’t just ignore it.

In the end, I jumped up from my spot.

“What are you doing?”

“Making ramen.”

“Why?”

“Because your stomach is rumbling so much I can’t sleep.”

“Sorry.”

Inha scratched his head with an embarrassed look.

“Come to think of it, I haven’t eaten anything all day because I was worried I might get indigestion before the evaluation.”

“What?”

At my dumbfounded expression, Inha gave an awkward excuse.

“…I didn’t realize.”

“Honestly.”

I couldn’t understand how he could not realize he was hungry, but anyway…

Fortunately, Inha ate all the ramen I made him. After the satiated Inha brushed his teeth and I did the dishes, we lay back down, shaking off the remaining cold water from our fingers.

As we lay side by side in the dark room, an inexplicable sense of relief washed over me.

While I was applying the patches to Inha and joking around, and then making him ramen, we had somehow returned to our usual comfortable state. To the point where the awkward atmosphere from last night was completely forgotten.

The reason why I felt so comfortable, despite being in an unfamiliar living space and lying on a single futon on a hard floor, was… because of that, right? Because I had made up with Inha again.

It’s a bit strange to call it making up.

We didn’t even fight.

I felt glad that I came to see him without letting today pass. If I had, I wouldn’t have been able to sleep properly today. More than anything, I hated being on bad terms with Inha.

Only then did this thought occur to me: I pretended to have come for Inha, but maybe I actually came for myself.

“Are you not mad anymore?”

Just then, Inha asked in a low voice. Looking at Inha’s profile in the darkness, he was lying flat on his back, staring at the ceiling with his eyes open. I turned completely towards him.

“I was never mad.”

“…….”

“Really. I came here to apologize to you.”

“Why are you apologizing? I’m the one who said those stupid things….”

His Adam’s apple bobbed once, noticeably. It seemed my words had indeed stayed with him. I regretted, once again, the things I had said to Inha yesterday. If I had known he would take it to heart like this, I wouldn’t have said anything.

Even after that, Inha repeatedly licked his lips and swallowed nervously. Watching him, I realized he had something to say to me.

I waited without pressing him, until he opened his mouth on his own.

“Um, you…”

“Yeah.”

Even though I answered as gently as possible, Inha hesitated.

And a moment later, he asked me in a trembling voice,

“What would you do if I was like that too?”

“…Huh?”

Inha’s words were like a code. I leaned on my arm and listened intently to his voice.

“If I, if I think I like… men.”

“…….”

It took a strangely long time for me to fully grasp his words.

Inha’s fists, clutching the blanket on his chest, were trembling slightly. That small tremor stuck to my vision.

Still struggling to process his words, I slowly raised my eyes.

Finally, our eyes met.

Inha was lying flat on his back, looking at me with only his head turned. As I stared at his face, forgetting to even blink, Inha gradually split into two blurry images. Realizing my eyes had lost focus, I blinked rapidly. Inha’s jet-black eyes, which had finally returned to normal, were clear even in the darkness.

“Why… why are you looking at me like that?”

Inha asked in a voice that seemed about to fade away.

“Uh? No….”

After a long moment of being stunned, I finally understood what he meant.

“You like men…. Myung Inha, you?”

“…….”

“Wow….”

An astounded sigh escaped my lips without me realizing it. At that moment, Inha’s eyes wavered intensely.

Instead of looking at Inha, I chose to bury my face in the pillow. My head was throbbing. The shock I felt yesterday when Inha said things like “homosexuals are disgusting” was nothing compared to this.

My best friend liking men—that was unacceptable. Inha was already going through a difficult enough path. He had to quit the sport he excelled at due to injury and was forced to choose the path of a trainee. Seeing his lifeless face increasingly tinged with apathy and depression, I often wondered why his life had to be so hard….

If he likes men, it will only get harder.

We were silent for a long time. I wasn’t sure what was what, but I could tell that my reaction was significantly different from what Inha had expected. Even though I knew that, I couldn’t bring myself to offer empty platitudes like “I understand completely” or “I don’t care.”

In the silence, I heard Inha sniffling softly.

This wasn’t good. Really….

“Yesterday… you told me not to say things like ‘those kinds of people are disgusting.’ What reason would I have to be disgusted? I’m the same.”

“…….”

“I wasn’t trying to put anyone down. I’m not in a position to do that.”

“…….”

“I guess my usual worries just came out. I thought that if I confessed to someone, they would find me disgusting….”

Inha continued, his voice thick with congestion, sniffing as he spoke. He was trying to sound composed, but the tremor in his voice couldn’t be hidden.

I slowly raised my head again. Inha was still looking at the ceiling, carefully dabbing the tears welling up in his eyes with his fingers.

“It’s fine if the misunderstanding is cleared up.”

And with a deep sigh, Inha turned his back to me.

“Forget it.”

His thin back, curled up, looked even smaller than usual.

He tells me to forget it, but how can I forget something like this? It’s irresponsible of him. To burden me with such worries.

I asked Inha in return,

“How can you be sure?”

“…What?”

Inha looked back at me with a bewildered expression.

“You might be mistaken about liking a man.”

At those words, his eyes widened. He had an expression of utter disbelief.

“Are there people who are mistaken about that?”

“It’s possible.”

“I know because the person I like is a man.”

“Who is it?”

At that moment, Inha froze.

For some reason, I had a hunch that Inha’s unrequited love was ongoing. If it was in the past, he would have said “the person I liked,” not “the person I like.”

“Can’t you tell me who it is?”

“…Why should I?”

“Because I would tell you…?”

This was true. If I developed a romantic interest in someone, I would have confided in Inha first. Come to think of it, this was also a shock. To think he hadn’t said a single word to me while harboring such a huge worry.

Anyway, Inha seemed to have no intention of telling me. Observing his tightly closed lips, I asked the next thing that made me suspicious.

“…Is it only him that’s a man?”

Inha looked dumbfounded again. I added an explanation.

“If the sample size is one, it’s a premature conclusion. You have to like at least two before….”

“What are you talking about?”

“Liking one person isn’t enough to say you like men.”

“This is crazy. So you have to like two women before you know you’re heterosexual?”

“That’s not it.”

“Then what?”

“There are a lot of handsome and pretty trainees… maybe you’re just confused.”

At this point, Inha punched his chest in frustration.

“No, Inha, listen. I’m saying this because your situation is that unique….”

“Forget it. You don’t understand.”

“That’s why I’m trying to understand you.”

At my words, Inha opened and closed his mouth as if in disbelief, then closed it again.

“Did you do this to Heejoon too?”

“Why are you suddenly bringing him up?”

“You said you didn’t do this to Heejoon.”

“…….”

“You just listened, right? You said you were thankful for his feelings and comforted him.”

Inha sighed, running a hand through his hair. Then, as if sleep had completely escaped him, he sat up.

At the mention of Choi Heejoon’s name, I, too, realized it. My contradictory attitude.

It was true that I tried to be as kind as possible to Choi Heejoon, even though I was shocked by his confession. But that was because, one way or another, we were strangers. Since there would be no reason for us to interact again, I decided to at least make the last memory a good one. If a small gesture of consideration from me could leave a good memory for someone else, that was also meaningful.

But you, Inha, are not a stranger.

Inha is different from ordinary friends. I considered him almost more than family, no, almost as a part of myself. In other words, Inha’s pain is my pain, and I would gladly take on any hardship he had to face. Who could calmly accept a friend’s decision to walk a thorny path? I thought that would be a superficial friendship.

“Look at me, Inha.”

“…….”

“Choi Heejoon is a stranger, but you’re not.”

At my words, Inha sighed even more heavily, not even looking at me.

“How can I just cheer you on when I know you’re going to struggle?”

“But is this something you can stop just because I tell you to?”

“I know what you mean, but that’s how I feel.”

“Forget it. I’ve already suffered enough when you didn’t know.”

“Yeah. And I regret that.”

At the word “regret,” he flinched and raised his head.

“Since when?”

“…….”

“Why did you suffer alone?”

We’ve been friends since we were very young. I always thought I knew everything about him, but when did Inha create this secret on his own?

“Yesterday… ha, you must have been really upset hearing my words yesterday, too. It’s not like you were hiding it because you wanted to hide it. Inha?”

At that moment, tears started falling from Inha’s eyes as he looked at me. Startled by the large teardrops, he flinched and looked down at the dotted stains on the blanket. Watching him dab his eyes with his fingers in a fluster, I felt… there was no need for further argument.

I just wanted to hug him.

“Inha, don’t cry.”

“So, sorry. Why am I suddenly crying after hearing your words?”

Inha gave an awkward smile even as he wiped his tears. I pulled his shoulder and hugged him.

“Inha, I actually… I’ve wanted to apologize since yesterday.”

Inha took a shaky breath, mixed with tears.

“Were you upset because of me, and crying because your eyes were swollen?”

“…No…. I was crying because of the monthly evaluation.”

“Okay, then I’m glad.”

I patted Inha’s back for a long time. But instead of stopping, Inha cried even harder, to the point that my shoulder became wet. His already swollen eyelids became even puffier. But he still looked pretty.

Honestly, I couldn’t fully empathize with his feelings. I couldn’t quite imagine what it was like to like another man. Whether it was harder because he liked a man, or because he was experiencing a particularly difficult unrequited love….

“Oh, why didn’t you come to school today? You rarely skip class.”

“Uh, actually…”

Inha let out a light sigh and pulled away from my embrace.

“There was something going on at the company.”

“Something going on? What?”

The words that followed were quite unexpected.

“One of the members left our debut team.”

Inha said, blinking his swollen eyes.

“He was the ace… he’s going to another company. They said they would debut him within three months, so he decided to go.”

“…….”

“He asked if we wouldn’t do the same. None of us could say anything.”

“So what happens to your team now?”

“I don’t know.”

With that, Inha stared blankly at the empty dorm. Perhaps the members had all gone home for the same reason. A kind of intermission. I had wondered why the trainees, who didn’t have any particular holidays, all went home at the same time when it wasn’t even a holiday.

“I actually did really well today. I received a lot of praise from the trainers. I was happy, but….”

“…….”

“What’s the point of being praised? If I can’t debut….”

It’s meaningless.

Inha’s voice, muttering those words, was chillingly apathetic.

“The company said they were going to make a teenage team. I’ll be twenty next year….”

“…….”

“I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

“…….”

“Just getting older.”

I couldn’t stop my brow from furrowing at his words. Twenty is an age where you can start anything. It was the adults’ fault that Inha, at our young age, was saying such things. Because of the words “teenage team,” he had set the limit of his life at twenty. As if he had been brainwashed.

“Let’s make sure you take the CSAT this year.”

Inha turned his head groggily and blinked.

“And start preparing for the entrance exams with me now. You’ve played sports and have good basic physical strength, so you have a chance with physical education. If it’s not enough, you can do it for another year. What does it matter if you’re a year late? There are so many students who retake the exam.”

“Yeah…”

He barely answered, but honestly, he didn’t seem motivated. However, Inha is the type to work hard at whatever he is told to do. Seeing how he persevered solely through diligence, even though he had no interest in singing or dancing, I thought he could do anything.

“I’m sleepy.”

Inha’s eyes were already drooping. He had practiced all night, his nerves were frayed from being evaluated all day, and on top of that, he had gone through the turmoil of a member leaving, so it was natural for him to be exhausted. Our small conflict probably played a part as well.

I patted his chest like a baby. His thin ribcage, with protruding collarbones, touched my palm.

“Go to sleep.”

“Aren’t you sleeping?”

“I’ll watch you sleep.”

“I can’t…”

“What do you mean you can’t?”

Inha stubbornly insisted that he couldn’t sleep first. But soon, his efforts were in vain, and he was almost asleep. My patting hand also gradually slowed down in response.

A moment later, Inha murmured with his eyes closed,

“Jihee…”

“Yeah.”

“Jihee…”

His pronunciation was slurred. Anyone listening would think he was calling a girl’s name, like “Jihye” or “Jiae.” I smiled unconsciously at such a silly thought, then suddenly remembered the question that had gone unanswered earlier.

So who is it that he likes? I didn’t hear that.

🌌

The first time Inha received a business card from an entertainment agency was in his first year of middle school.

To be precise, I was the one who was scouted, and Inha, who was with me, caught their eye and was cast afterward. So in a way, it’s half my fault that Inha stepped into this world.

At the time, we were both in the track and field club, and we were both consistently participating in national competitions with decent results in our respective events. My main event was the 1,500 meters, and I was completely absorbed in adjusting my pace with different strategies for each of the four laps.

And Inha’s main event was the high jump.

I really enjoyed watching Inha jump.

That beautiful back, running with frightening momentum, then soaring over the bar, much higher than his own height, after a powerful final sprint.

I think anyone who saw it in person would be captivated.

In early spring, not long after we entered middle school, we were returning home after training, just like any other day.

“Do you do any modeling work, by any chance? Or are you signed with an agency?”

“…….”

As we were leaving the school gates, we were unexpectedly approached by an adult. Wary of the stranger’s familiarity, I didn’t respond at all.

“Oh my, you’re wary. We’re not strange people. Really…”

“…….”

“I’ll give you a business card, can you give it to your parents when you get home?”

A business card was held out in front of me.

[Godo Entertainment Planning & PR Department XXX Director]

“Here.”

“…….”

When I didn’t readily take the card, the adult in front of me smiled awkwardly. At that time, Inha, who was standing behind me, was even more at a loss than I was.

“Hey, take it… they’re embarrassed.”

Inha nudged my back with his fist. Glancing at him, I refused the business card.

“It’s okay. I won’t take it.”

“Are you really sure? I just want to talk to your parents once….”

“…We’ll go.”

As I bowed my head, Inha hit my back again. He probably meant for me not to be rude to adults. Even though my body, and even the bicycle I was pulling, swayed from Inha’s punch, I didn’t budge.

The director, with a deeply disappointed expression, finally backed off. No, I can’t say he backed off completely. He shouted “I’ll come tomorrow too!” as we turned our backs. I could feel Inha silently bowing behind me, instead of me, who didn’t even look back.

“Jihee, you’re amazing. They were telling you to become a celebrity, right? You must be really handsome.”

“What’s so amazing? They could be scammers.”

“Really?”

Inha, startled, immediately fell silent. Then he looked back several times at the people who had already moved away. What was the point of looking? He couldn’t tell the difference anyway.

I firmly warned Inha,

“Yeah. Almost everyone in the entertainment industry is a scammer.”

“Ah… really?”

I should have known then, when Inha, who would believe anything I said, kept repeating “really?” with a naive look. That unlike me, who was full of suspicion, Inha was full of curiosity about the casting.

The casting agent who approached me appeared in front of our school the next day, and the day after that. I always took Inha and deftly escaped, avoiding their eyes.

Around the time I wondered when they would give up, I met them in an unexpected place.

At the track and field stadium where we were competing.

On the track, under the scorching sun, Inha, dressed in a sleeveless top and short shorts, was cooling down, his long limbs exposed. He had just finished his event, so his hair was slightly damp with sweat and shining, and his cheeks, healthily flushed from the sun, were red.

The people from the entertainment agency who had given me their business card were blocking Inha’s path and offering him a card again.

“Actually, we were interested in you from the beginning. We’d like you to come for an audition. What was your name again?”

“Inha… Myung Inha.”

“Your name is pretty too. And you have a cute face. Are you interested in singing or dancing?”

“I… I can’t sing at all, and I’ve never danced before.”

“Seeing you run today, your body is light, so I think you’d be good at dancing. Don’t worry. If you have good athletic ability, you’ll learn quickly.”

Until then, I was mistaken. I thought that Inha would dislike what I disliked. Just as I was about to step forward to refuse on behalf of Inha, who wasn’t good at rejecting people,

“Can… can someone like me… become a celebrity?”

Unexpectedly, Inha reached out and took the business card.

His two hands, holding the business card preciously, his eyes carefully looking at the words written there. Seeing his reaction, I was overwhelmed by an unexpected sense of betrayal.

“Of course. Will you talk to your parents when you get home? We’ll call your parents directly…”

“That’s okay. I don’t need… my parents’ permission.”

At Inha’s words, they exchanged puzzled glances. As if anticipating their reaction, Inha kept his head down and his gaze fixed on the business card in his hand.

“Where do I go for the audition?”

🌌

It’s been five years since I thought he would give up on his own, since being an idol wasn’t his original dream, and since he didn’t have any particular talent in singing or dancing.

Inha is still a trainee. And in the meantime, he has become a completely different person inside.

His appearance has matured and his expression has become calmer, but it’s not just because he’s gotten older. Having started his life as a trainee without any preparation, Inha suffered from various forms of hazing and subtle ostracism at the company, and in such an atmosphere, his exceptionally good looks became a poison. It seemed to have triggered the inferiority complex of other trainees. If he had been assertive or sociable, it might have been different, but Inha wasn’t that type.

But they say perseverance wins, and when many friends couldn’t endure the harsh trainee life and left the company one by one, Inha stubbornly persevered and finally made it to the debut team. Even then, luck wasn’t on his side, and his debut was postponed twice due to the company’s circumstances. And now, the ace has run away from the debut team, which he thought was finally confirmed….

So it was natural for him to have a much more mature face than in his childhood.