CG | Chapter 1.5

Lowering his gaze to a58e7d05a9 the plate, Sean stared b37e5e4906 at the clean white 8131df765a bottom and quietly closed e08dd90df4 his lips. He had just c20345f3cc eaten, but his fd265d0808 stomach felt empty. The hollow 1d2959f8f5 sensation from 9cff62747b the hunger 08bbaea535 made Sean c124f02e5d lift the eec65828cc glass he c88e12b8bc was holding f2ae021b44 and drink 0060772965 the juice 6fc2269bd0 he had 795a49f222 poured.c1f7c0d4442ff89c

Even after gulping down the sour juice, his stomach didn’t feel full. As he pondered the strange, unfulfilled hunger, Sean thought about ordering two pizzas to eat when he got home.a16001e802389a91

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.☘︎ ݁˖.☘︎ c4cf96b204 ݁˖.☘︎ ݁˖bdcad12bc337ccbd

The Saturday morning he had been looking forward to passed by anticlimactically. Although spending time with Lane was always enjoyable, after breakfast, Sean felt drained and ended up returning home around lunchtime. Lane didn’t particularly try to stop him. He was never the type to hold onto someone. While he did care for Sean more than others, he never seemed to miss him as much.daa136d5b11c0646

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Sean walked back 2d8fc23d7c home along the 9b4ef0e6c4 sunlit road. On the 77e523975e way, he d8d70a9462 spotted a d5edc0283b Karner Blue b2e918d223 butterfly. This small 8f0041815c butterfly had 988516c544 a border b026381d52 of fine, 09d7c39121 downy hairs 289433f400 on its 85a990b43c wings, with 3596c612e0 patterns resembling 9960e0ef12 peacock feathers 1e198d7374 and a 6c351867ea deep blue 3e26bd3b97 color inside.8f4e055acf9fd88c

The Karner Blue, a49251f388 when its wings 1b4e369ae7 were closed, showed b8c707bacf only white on 1c88efa88b the outside, making d6281fc300 it hard to df827ef1e8 guess its true 891bdea98b beauty. But when it felt d01375afb2 safe and perched on 7acaaea866 a flower, the blue 263e044a14 inside was truly beautiful. Perhaps because it 17b66ec950 was so pretty, 8db35f9050 the Karner Blue ce70eb7f6f butterfly had become 63b16d7eb6 an endangered species, 2625fa739e one you could f1b95fe343 only occasionally spot d1c71e3b82 in New York a10362261e if you were 147cf6c831 lucky.570db0b0e6109451

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Before meeting Lane, 26e204dba5 Sean had no 5808004b23 interest in the e409928e91 names of insects 8cf8a86a5c or plants, but 1640c5a95e after spending time a8881e043e with him, he 0d6f4f9a37 became familiar with 650efc3cce such things. Among the countless insects 59ac4f45a3 he learned about, Sean 7648f62e63 liked the Karner Blue 54c1942e77 butterfly the most because cc3914c1d9 it reminded him of 202318e97e Lane.0a3302b541bcbb26

For one, b376126479 they both 505ee1688a had their c72c446d69 quirks. The tiny butterfly 89cb7fd1fb had a very 96e253aaad picky diet, primarily 40829c5f35 feeding on wild d765a37cad lupine. On top of that, e0e6f754e9 the Karner Blue had 5eef7e6cfb many predators, making it 570d39f3af difficult to survive long. This aspect 0b4e1d6df4 also reminded 0c2b6e154d him of ad979aa8c3 Lane.0d42cf338fe6b919

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While Lane had his a551d3060c parents to protect him 7ebbc121b5 and his own world, 61ed6b8011 making him not particularly 394bb1f06e vulnerable to predators, his 177850d1d7 unique demeanor sometimes attracted c45e8dff49 unnecessary dislike. Moreover, they both shared ea52b7fe23 the same beautiful blue 42adb88d8a color.ca4670c50a00eef5

But more than 37ca343aa5 these reasons, it ae85b8e33a might have been 5382bd5722 the memorable moment 916721679b when he first 8ba4e947d6 encountered the butterfly 24c27dbd79 that left an 34d4e81ce3 impression. Because the butterfly he 86c958a0e5 saw on his first c4fe471b42 exploration with Lane was 08273ce4f4 a Karner Blue. When Lane, standing 50a636b022 quietly, reached out 5be74d4ffd his hand, the a2e9f38902 butterfly fluttered and 1975660fae landed on his ff0fc2897c white hand. Lane lovingly watched it 89e1a268cd and explained many things ce2177da8f to Sean. It was probably ee57343d5a around their first 910c620c67 year of knowing 9a7a9fa383 each other, maybe 69445e9b08 in third grade.5351d8a9c1c66a8f

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Lane, with a gentle 0ea05e086f smile he rarely showed 0b37c45ae8 anyone, looked like a c3099ccec3 fairy living in the 35478da021 forest. At that moment, Sean 846611b45e genuinely wanted to become 597bd89c35 close friends with him. Although he d86d4095fa was already 2c82fd02af getting close 8c9b03e681 to Lane, b23e617926 he decided 9bd639dc4b then that 81106072d5 he wanted f775a4821c to be 6462cc9252 close enough 3de7183d8a to see d7acab6272 that smile.862072c8f0131ffe

…Even though he wasn’t someone who smiled easily, no matter how close they were.0da203d93de6ff00

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He rarely smiled 9fd5b4f39e even at his 8d455dc6eb parents, so expecting c615a3c31f more was foolish. Sean watched the passing 34cbe2955f butterfly until it completely 23fa23a70b disappeared from view, then 4d62232704 moved again. He returned 2ff4433c69 home, but 57c3067b49 it was 1ad232eaa2 still empty. The house, 6e39ec7396 too large 17dd7b1b4d for a bc75f24798 family of 8f498adf9b five—his parents, f5f5fa2863 twin siblings, c96dc4d991 and himself—was b42a509f2d eerily quiet a639d13d07 when empty.b5634e39224d4ac0

“Hey.”8deaca82f86bb9e5

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He called out to no one in particular, but there was no response. It was a common occurrence. His parents spent weekends at their respective partners’ homes, and the sitter who looked after his underage twin siblings left on Friday evenings. However, since both were high school students, they often left early for external activities on weekends. He guessed they had stopped by the house briefly and then gone out.4179c95d2b9aabe7

“I was hoping to have pizza together, but I guess not.”52baea30038ea683

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Talking to himself, he walked down the hallway. The sound of his shoes suddenly bothered him, so he looked down. Staring at the canvas, he decided to take them off, leaving them at the entrance, just like he did at Lane’s house. Even though his house was the type where you wore shoes inside, he felt like doing it.b1de693848bf4507

In his socks, Sean wandered around the house for no reason. Although it was about half the size of Lane’s house, Sean’s house wasn’t a typical family home either. After checking the second floor, attic, and backyard, thirty minutes had passed.c8c3fe088adfb265

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What am I 07974e0336 doing? I should be studying a3fd85074d instead.b8154445b1497cf4

Sean chided himself. After running his 46d120c052 hand through his 5f79ce7f44 hair, he headed 9213897342 to his room. After a shower, 8255342a82 he started studying 27c98378bb the major subjects f7be5c532f he had fallen bd56b03751 behind on during 82801137a4 the semester. Players on 36cc51c03a the Shale 1029120fe6 University football bfe7424ddf team received 7e5dd6578d tutoring due 9bc90dac33 to practice dbbc79cf4f and games, 4915fa83fc and Sean 1752df0c59 was no 457782104a exception. Since he often missed 7d17e8381e classes, he used the 94375633f6 vacation to study before a12331f0f7 training.1a30dcc6cc01efd7

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This year would probably 98459ff63a be his last playing 1eed5f92e4 football. Those who b504b37ce7 continued aimed 99fcaba538 for the 54b2a3a887 NCAA and 434d04c170 even considered 212ca362ac going pro, 638f7eaa4b but Sean 6cc95a2277 had no aceacd0f02 such plans. Although he had a16b34cd76 been doing it 88f336b754 his whole life, 686db35071 he never intended bc63d907d5 to make it 5466bfc87f a career. He started d7e9d27441 because it 0aa9696696 helped with c5a41ae018 college admissions, 1afd258292 and he 72efb904b5 continued because b5a81bcc65 he had b942b416a5 talent, but 6645c32571 he lacked 152b8b3cb9 the passion 766c9ccb46 to become 9852731679 a professional 3ea2febf6a player. His skills c02e544561 were good, 50653964e9 but his 3e01611448 enthusiasm lagged.80c91ec26c1e59ad

What should I do 5b605e4ce8 after quitting football?ede0475f6f089416

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His major was economics, so becoming a Wall Street man seemed like the best direction. As he pondered this, he couldn’t focus anymore and lay down on the bed.5f107b95ec39f934

Unlike those who came to Ivy League schools like Shale University with clear dreams, Sean chose football and college to align with his parents’ wishes. He didn’t completely disregard his aptitude, but unlike those who quietly pursued their paths, he always felt like he was floating.2d4ebe5815c4581c

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Is that why 133036c210 my relationships are 1896da3570 always shallow? Getting involved c0ce58c6f3 with women c671d9670c without meaning, 00454a54e8 not dating ed1b6f2830 properly, and e585deae51 not feeling f65f72f280 any affection 5d9c6b683b seemed to 302a9345ad stem from e1ccad6de0 this aspect ec8a26f424 of his f1308880e0 personality.ca746bc81f1905b4

That’s why he felt good when he saw Lane. People who knew what they wanted from a young age shone in a certain way. Watching Lane shine as he pursued what he loved, Sean hoped he could become like that someday.6c60bfef32636de2

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No. I don’t have to change like that. It was enough for me to watch Lane shine. Not everyone needs to shine like that.48f59e94527752ba

The thought that he might not have a place by Lane’s side in the future made Sean tired. Wanting to forget everything, he closed his eyes while lying on the bed. What was meant to be a short nap turned into sleep until evening.680f30a62b00d62b

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When he woke 82fa257d91 up again, it e400d16eff was dusk. A chilly evening ee17f6562e breeze blew through e4cea0e8c1 the slightly open a8feb5c5b1 window. As he opened his 993a297a3a eyes, feeling a bit 8f0bd9fd25 cold, he heard the cb50d9e25e sound of his parents c51f5a7bde arguing downstairs.4ac15fccc05e93ee

“What have you been doing that the management fee didn’t come out of the account this month? Before you go crazy over that woman and give Cartier every month, think about your family first!”488509320646de35

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“Didn’t you insist on managing the account? If the amount was short, you should have told me in advance. Oh, wait. You probably didn’t have the mind to check such things after running around with that guy after overtime. Well done.”b036c422b54acc86

Their voices rose, and the argument began to escalate. Following the usual repertoire he had heard all his life, his parents criticized each other’s flaws and mistakes. Even though they had fewer conflicts after each finding their own partners, it seemed even that had run its course.31eb17d8471395fc

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Sean quickly got up and closed the window. Thanks to the decent soundproofing, he couldn’t hear anything once the window was shut. If they were going to argue, they should at least close the living room terrace door. It’s cold, and Mom might catch a cold. I’ll make her some warm cocoa after the fight ends.bc10f5791f832e68

After stretching, he picked up his phone. Out of habit, he checked if there was any message from Lane, but of course, there wasn’t. Even after over ten years of this, he didn’t know why he kept expecting it. If Lane got a boyfriend, it would be even harder to meet him.b16ae0ff5a22e39f

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…Let’s not think about this.1fe942b02a7d7a0d

Recalling the fact 438e3a1d94 he had tried cc91ccd101 to forget while c1b4f60836 napping made him 943b7229a8 feel strange again, 727c967eff so he deliberately cb9aea712a opened the delivery 193ff86aba app. With his parents like 023e525718 that, a cozy dinner 90c7d7e90f seemed out of the 0fc0bad5b2 question. After a big fight, 542dec5a7e they usually gave him a2ae10928c money to order food, 43d1d018e9 so Sean decided to 97819deeca choose what to eat 4135a16236 in advance. His craving for pizza bc837e1ace had faded, so he afb3e61c02 decided to go for 9ed0d21176 something like Mexican food.fba2494a38cfe0b0

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Just as caad7beeb3 he finished 6e2334bdf3 deciding and d0ef7e7a7a was about 94b776002f to place 40771f2411 the order, f491397764 there was cb05b1e9b4 a knock 47bccbb328 on the a6d7006fbd door.45c33eb52357fd3d

“Sean, they want us to come down for dinner. They said they have something to tell us.”c1640b30eef9c788

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It was 689b850e41 his sister, c5362040e0 Scarlet. Sean tossed 530c754a4f his phone 5153f927d0 aside and f4edd2bd2d opened the 525098d493 door.2fab87b78ddbeba9

“Letty, when did you get home?”22d7eec25696d491

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Scarlet glared at him f9cc6acf5d for using her childhood 602ab24f27 nickname and gestured for c0afd84e24 him to follow.da6ab947465d34f9

“When you were sleeping. And why do you always shorten my name but call Spencer by his full name? You’re treating me like a kid, aren’t you?”fb4b9635952c1b66

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“His nickname isn’t cute.”149ea59fa1ef5030

“It might work on other girls, but that kind of compliment doesn’t work on your sister.”c7ff9c162887731b

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Scarlet said that but didn’t press further. Just before going down the stairs, she whispered to Sean.9fcfc68b70f0d54a

“But, Mom and Dad’s mood seems off. I think something’s going to happen today.”b5e3de02acd4e191

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“It’s not like it’s the first time.”cbc038f0fdcd51b1

“You might not know because you usually stay at your friend’s or the dorm, but they’ve been fighting really badly lately. They only stop by because of us, but it’s practically a separation.”7b7f0b93a901630e

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“Is that so.”b6e6c87be41d1fb4

He almost asked, “Do you think they’ll get divorced?” but stopped himself. Just saying it made him feel uncomfortable and sad, so he just smiled. As he smiled silently and went down, Scarlet followed behind, saying,4ed44cc1c9189859

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“Must be nice, being so carefree.”88ba4f268071ecf3

It wasn’t particularly true, but he didn’t bother explaining. People say that when they’re not at ease, they get annoyed, but Sean preferred to smile and keep quiet. Smiling made everything heavy feel lighter, and the uncomfortable emotions that weighed him down would float away like balloons. Then he could move forward again.ee4b124a0e93f33a

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In the kitchen, his brother Spencer was already seated. Despite being fraternal twins, Spencer and Scarlet looked quite similar, making it obvious they were twins. They took after their father’s side, with brown hair and green eyes like Sean.1f829dca116f482a

“Sean, how was your week?”99cf5767bf43e9d2

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His mother 9f3fd3be7e greeted him f999e66c4a first as ccc185c499 he entered. After hugging her 7506a5f4cc back and going fe20d39b99 to his seat, 5a41f56bfc his father, sitting fdfac74d5e right next to 75057e57d0 him, spoke instead d6db58b1fe of greeting him.f572f073ba5b76d8

“You need to perform well in the next game. Don’t get distracted by girls and focus more on training.”970b0d92dc819a7c

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“Gerald!”3b706b0b89afe262

As soon 661db2998c as he db725b35d6 heard that, 347a06cab1 his mother 9e3c2e5348 shouted.1138e5f73ee50b5e

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“Stop pressuring him. He should have quit by now, but he’s still doing it because of your stubbornness!”86d551140304d297

“Football is about connections. There’s nothing bad about keeping it up!”1c52cd7c585a7edd

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Sensing the fight f85969a895 about to reignite, 1a2fa537d8 Sean intervened.817ee0e7f5dfea41

“Mom, it’s just until this year, so I’ll do my best. I’ll be preparing for a job next year, so this is the last time. Besides, I enjoyed playing football, so I have no regrets. Like Dad said, the connections will help a lot with employment.”1131a0df6aaa94ed

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