CG | Chapter 1.5

Lowering his gaze to the plate, Sean stared at the clean white bottom and quietly closed his lips. He had just eaten, but his stomach felt empty. The hollow sensation from the hunger made Sean lift the glass he was holding and drink the juice he had poured.

Even after gulping down the sour juice, his stomach didn’t feel full. As he pondered the strange, unfulfilled hunger, Sean thought about ordering two pizzas to eat when he got home.

.☘︎ ݁˖.☘︎ ݁˖.☘︎ ݁˖

The Saturday morning he had been looking forward to passed by anticlimactically. Although spending time with Lane was always enjoyable, after breakfast, Sean felt drained and ended up returning home around lunchtime. Lane didn’t particularly try to stop him. He was never the type to hold onto someone. While he did care for Sean more than others, he never seemed to miss him as much.

Sean walked back home along the sunlit road. On the way, he spotted a Karner Blue butterfly. This small butterfly had a border of fine, downy hairs on its wings, with patterns resembling peacock feathers and a deep blue color inside.

The Karner Blue, when its wings were closed, showed only white on the outside, making it hard to guess its true beauty. But when it felt safe and perched on a flower, the blue inside was truly beautiful. Perhaps because it was so pretty, the Karner Blue butterfly had become an endangered species, one you could only occasionally spot in New York if you were lucky.

Before meeting Lane, Sean had no interest in the names of insects or plants, but after spending time with him, he became familiar with such things. Among the countless insects he learned about, Sean liked the Karner Blue butterfly the most because it reminded him of Lane.

For one, they both had their quirks. The tiny butterfly had a very picky diet, primarily feeding on wild lupine. On top of that, the Karner Blue had many predators, making it difficult to survive long. This aspect also reminded him of Lane.

While Lane had his parents to protect him and his own world, making him not particularly vulnerable to predators, his unique demeanor sometimes attracted unnecessary dislike. Moreover, they both shared the same beautiful blue color.

But more than these reasons, it might have been the memorable moment when he first encountered the butterfly that left an impression. Because the butterfly he saw on his first exploration with Lane was a Karner Blue. When Lane, standing quietly, reached out his hand, the butterfly fluttered and landed on his white hand. Lane lovingly watched it and explained many things to Sean. It was probably around their first year of knowing each other, maybe in third grade.

Lane, with a gentle smile he rarely showed anyone, looked like a fairy living in the forest. At that moment, Sean genuinely wanted to become close friends with him. Although he was already getting close to Lane, he decided then that he wanted to be close enough to see that smile.

…Even though he wasn’t someone who smiled easily, no matter how close they were.

He rarely smiled even at his parents, so expecting more was foolish. Sean watched the passing butterfly until it completely disappeared from view, then moved again. He returned home, but it was still empty. The house, too large for a family of five—his parents, twin siblings, and himself—was eerily quiet when empty.

“Hey.”

He called out to no one in particular, but there was no response. It was a common occurrence. His parents spent weekends at their respective partners’ homes, and the sitter who looked after his underage twin siblings left on Friday evenings. However, since both were high school students, they often left early for external activities on weekends. He guessed they had stopped by the house briefly and then gone out.

“I was hoping to have pizza together, but I guess not.”

Talking to himself, he walked down the hallway. The sound of his shoes suddenly bothered him, so he looked down. Staring at the canvas, he decided to take them off, leaving them at the entrance, just like he did at Lane’s house. Even though his house was the type where you wore shoes inside, he felt like doing it.

In his socks, Sean wandered around the house for no reason. Although it was about half the size of Lane’s house, Sean’s house wasn’t a typical family home either. After checking the second floor, attic, and backyard, thirty minutes had passed.

What am I doing? I should be studying instead.

Sean chided himself. After running his hand through his hair, he headed to his room. After a shower, he started studying the major subjects he had fallen behind on during the semester. Players on the Shale University football team received tutoring due to practice and games, and Sean was no exception. Since he often missed classes, he used the vacation to study before training.

This year would probably be his last playing football. Those who continued aimed for the NCAA and even considered going pro, but Sean had no such plans. Although he had been doing it his whole life, he never intended to make it a career. He started because it helped with college admissions, and he continued because he had talent, but he lacked the passion to become a professional player. His skills were good, but his enthusiasm lagged.

What should I do after quitting football?

His major was economics, so becoming a Wall Street man seemed like the best direction. As he pondered this, he couldn’t focus anymore and lay down on the bed.

Unlike those who came to Ivy League schools like Shale University with clear dreams, Sean chose football and college to align with his parents’ wishes. He didn’t completely disregard his aptitude, but unlike those who quietly pursued their paths, he always felt like he was floating.

Is that why my relationships are always shallow? Getting involved with women without meaning, not dating properly, and not feeling any affection seemed to stem from this aspect of his personality.

That’s why he felt good when he saw Lane. People who knew what they wanted from a young age shone in a certain way. Watching Lane shine as he pursued what he loved, Sean hoped he could become like that someday.

No. I don’t have to change like that. It was enough for me to watch Lane shine. Not everyone needs to shine like that.

The thought that he might not have a place by Lane’s side in the future made Sean tired. Wanting to forget everything, he closed his eyes while lying on the bed. What was meant to be a short nap turned into sleep until evening.

When he woke up again, it was dusk. A chilly evening breeze blew through the slightly open window. As he opened his eyes, feeling a bit cold, he heard the sound of his parents arguing downstairs.

“What have you been doing that the management fee didn’t come out of the account this month? Before you go crazy over that woman and give Cartier every month, think about your family first!”

“Didn’t you insist on managing the account? If the amount was short, you should have told me in advance. Oh, wait. You probably didn’t have the mind to check such things after running around with that guy after overtime. Well done.”

Their voices rose, and the argument began to escalate. Following the usual repertoire he had heard all his life, his parents criticized each other’s flaws and mistakes. Even though they had fewer conflicts after each finding their own partners, it seemed even that had run its course.

Sean quickly got up and closed the window. Thanks to the decent soundproofing, he couldn’t hear anything once the window was shut. If they were going to argue, they should at least close the living room terrace door. It’s cold, and Mom might catch a cold. I’ll make her some warm cocoa after the fight ends.

After stretching, he picked up his phone. Out of habit, he checked if there was any message from Lane, but of course, there wasn’t. Even after over ten years of this, he didn’t know why he kept expecting it. If Lane got a boyfriend, it would be even harder to meet him.

…Let’s not think about this.

Recalling the fact he had tried to forget while napping made him feel strange again, so he deliberately opened the delivery app. With his parents like that, a cozy dinner seemed out of the question. After a big fight, they usually gave him money to order food, so Sean decided to choose what to eat in advance. His craving for pizza had faded, so he decided to go for something like Mexican food.

Just as he finished deciding and was about to place the order, there was a knock on the door.

“Sean, they want us to come down for dinner. They said they have something to tell us.”

It was his sister, Scarlet. Sean tossed his phone aside and opened the door.

“Letty, when did you get home?”

Scarlet glared at him for using her childhood nickname and gestured for him to follow.

“When you were sleeping. And why do you always shorten my name but call Spencer by his full name? You’re treating me like a kid, aren’t you?”

“His nickname isn’t cute.”

“It might work on other girls, but that kind of compliment doesn’t work on your sister.”

Scarlet said that but didn’t press further. Just before going down the stairs, she whispered to Sean.

“But, Mom and Dad’s mood seems off. I think something’s going to happen today.”

“It’s not like it’s the first time.”

“You might not know because you usually stay at your friend’s or the dorm, but they’ve been fighting really badly lately. They only stop by because of us, but it’s practically a separation.”

“Is that so.”

He almost asked, “Do you think they’ll get divorced?” but stopped himself. Just saying it made him feel uncomfortable and sad, so he just smiled. As he smiled silently and went down, Scarlet followed behind, saying,

“Must be nice, being so carefree.”

It wasn’t particularly true, but he didn’t bother explaining. People say that when they’re not at ease, they get annoyed, but Sean preferred to smile and keep quiet. Smiling made everything heavy feel lighter, and the uncomfortable emotions that weighed him down would float away like balloons. Then he could move forward again.

In the kitchen, his brother Spencer was already seated. Despite being fraternal twins, Spencer and Scarlet looked quite similar, making it obvious they were twins. They took after their father’s side, with brown hair and green eyes like Sean.

“Sean, how was your week?”

His mother greeted him first as he entered. After hugging her back and going to his seat, his father, sitting right next to him, spoke instead of greeting him.

“You need to perform well in the next game. Don’t get distracted by girls and focus more on training.”

“Gerald!”

As soon as he heard that, his mother shouted.

“Stop pressuring him. He should have quit by now, but he’s still doing it because of your stubbornness!”

“Football is about connections. There’s nothing bad about keeping it up!”

Sensing the fight about to reignite, Sean intervened.

“Mom, it’s just until this year, so I’ll do my best. I’ll be preparing for a job next year, so this is the last time. Besides, I enjoyed playing football, so I have no regrets. Like Dad said, the connections will help a lot with employment.”