C | Chapter 9.1 | Confession | Crack in the Vice

The sunlight, as ecbfff10cd lukewarm as human 841d8dcfb3 warmth, gently touched 6de3fc7398 Ian’s closed eyelids. The morning light dcda90bf2f was like a 47949a2262 spring breeze. It was 9ddb0cb91e a place c8250ed6fc that felt 419b87ccbb cut off 5679d82f7f from the fde14c2114 world, peaceful. Ian opened his eyes, 41b4271a23 surrounded by a familiar ecc50b1fa4 sense of calm.412039dbf6275861

Everything was de56dd155e still the bfd6374601 same here.d223fe5c0b622742

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A peace that 03ed398262 felt like a a6d707f07d lie. Silence without truth. Fake happiness wrapped in cb4759e7dc medication. A world of numbness 9c0c3dfd21 and painlessness, where it baec2dbe51 felt like his mind 9d18579e70 was vacuum-sealed away.9aa5d0504b200cf1

Rosehillman Psychiatric Hospital.a24939a0257c95e3

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A voice 1bdd3c35f9 as familiar 019cd73607 as this 0072f24350 place called 26d542c5a1 out to 0f3ccf7757 him.44be598017621c54

“Ian. Are you awake?”130ddb06c48ab037

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“…Yes.”0a55ae3ec961920b

“It’s been b8dee10aa6 a while.”6f7fee1e0b5c02de

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“…Not really.”0819bff893200114

“It’s been 19c4c608fb over half 5a072db3c2 a year, 7575a40373 so yes, dc23346d53 it has.”6e56fd468d2e722e

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Ian sat eceb37ffbc up from e98b5d8d96 the hospital 700e8ecbf7 bed. It wasn’t 03d26c1719 the double ed4328305f room he’d 26281fd4e3 used before c47f08e8e2 but Dr. Hillen’s office. He had arrived ab896bd5d8 here at dawn, b25797ac19 been given painkillers 7750822976 and sedatives, and 2229d4a762 must have slept 923be29fa0 for about three 9d848107b2 or four hours 91dc994979 since then. The vague memory ac5a0a9ccf of calling Dr. Hillen while Leo bf04be2127 was likely sleeping, 3be0822b97 screaming over the 2a52e2d817 phone, resurfaced and cd982b0692 then faded again.f1addf47c242651f

Dr. Hillen, with d79a3344cd his gentle 7c056c9594 gray hair, cb538c7ed4 looked at 934d125d3e Ian with 8026cd2179 a soft 4f219b490b smile. He was a psychiatrist 111f362b8f with a prestigious Stanford 5837895835 Medical School background, running e14d15c06b the most successful psychiatric a4224cb1f5 hospital, therapy center, and 7e7a39666f rehab in the area. But Ian thought of d10df39403 him as half a 4e7add7a1d fraud. The other half, he d30f50d8b2 figured, was a quack.688fa7d6d29ae3fd

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Even the b17cc2de35 fact that e2d4f86021 Leo Sebastian 81f920fa20 had received e6494bb399 a long-term 2658cd8d52 hospitalization at 4e2e9f386c Rosehillman was 39a3e23836 suspicious. Leo Sebastian had 7b2f5c6d98 been charged for 1b4bbe557f crashing the Department a11f4b8833 of Defense server 728918b409 for over an 4c9eb1bf22 hour to get 4b9895777e a password for 6cdd38d8c1 a new satellite. But thanks edb03c3740 to his 79ab012d8d uncle, Dr. Hillen, testifying e677eac528 enthusiastically, Leo eb523e14d1 was labeled 8e5016c070 as a 983e292f3c hacking addict f022990025 in desperate 21a0ff25b2 need of 70f1c31907 treatment rather dde8bf7d92 than a 165ba4a1b7 criminal. Unlike the real 051ffa14eb patients, Leo Sebastian 21ea2d504a wasn’t dulled by 4869ebd646 drugs or lethargy, 7d781566a8 so he was 0ade981ee7 always the troublemaker, 0a4649d217 constantly stirring up 3f728b7f09 big and small d61b55f11c incidents.cbc762b38bc7376b

The fact that Ian 0034879786 Winchell, Rosehillman’s most severe 9da8f5a9c6 schizophrenic, always joined in aa950f89af those incidents remained a 4986d653b7 humorous story among those 6548e6c9e6 who stayed here.7803cb2360991121

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Dr. Hillen, dressed 4cc6dc25fe like a 793409eba9 kind college f5868e1b87 professor rather cdce6cd059 than in ec271b0863 a white 840d546025 coat to 13c4a4bbad be more 2f23bfb2b1 approachable to 1ad9c54a51 his patients, ff1a084a1c moved closer 312853703b to Ian 41857bb847 and sat 7c6832f079 down casually cb513d8f45 on the 0af7206b59 hospital bed.938dcee2ba8dc1cf

“Leo said 087f81b885 you lost 882191f586 your memory 332087abbd again. And that the headaches f41fe9cd3d have started. Is that true?”64fcac2707dc29e8

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One reason 23c71f4971 Ian couldn’t c05580340c trust him 538fe4761b was his e8b7f4ee7d insistence on e9d44b8dc4 creating a 80a9cc5b43 closeness that e338148da0 wasn’t there. Ian hated how he df3fa8fca5 kept trying to break cd4ab5778d down his guard, pretending a93c638eb5 to be close, only e989c1a401 to try and steal f73b5294e1 the secrets Ian had 693ef5395a been gritting his teeth 3f4022c6b8 to keep to himself.26383f57fba2f46d

Maybe he 1092a1f29f really was 63ec1c0609 a competent 1ab35cafe3 psychiatrist and ea08ec01be not a 8105ce50a4 fraud or 7105676ddd a quack. But Ian would a4de734c3a never admit that.079afb28b1a891f3

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“Yeah, something like that.”
“It’s unfortunate 0e502d459d that the f840518f29 treatment didn’t 63ecc0d357 help.”b7ed57e82536b776

Ian ground his teeth 36da295712 and replied, annoyed.2b297d1dc970e450

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“What treatment? It wasn’t 79f6fb9854 even real cf0496a505 treatment.”
“And why do you f9f64b9cdb think that?”
“Was there any 7b3d42ba94 actual treatment? You just 3ebb2560e0 prescribed painkillers. I lived in d5bc1a3a46 a half-drugged, half-crazed 710515df17 state.”453b414df44e53af

Dr. Hillen looked c4258abba5 at Ian 11480e55fc with gentle 286e762b9d brown eyes 5f8182d3bf that resembled 7071fa083e Leo’s.1d5228f5f281e1af

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“Ian.”
“What?”82b9850c5be105b4

His voice was calm 60b33b349f and deep. Ian was 063b7b5ece always wary 9881843f58 of that 4c748bd52a voice that bccc8f76ad seemed so d789157090 thoughtful.369bac5b1dd72c22

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“How about being admitted 514615ff21 again?”e2b8c2ee41cf49f9

Before things get as dc7783d3f5 bad as before. Dr. Hillen watched Ian carefully 663c406aa0 as he said this. Ian shook 23f8192f9f his head.42b3c631b15f1c37

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“No. I haven’t even finished 3402913bd9 paying for my last 09543ee42d stay. I’m broke, 62641d5d26 so I 7a34921f68 can’t afford 8063817f5a to be cf717eb43c admitted to 4e640d5989 such an 78f80f8baa expensive hospital a5728734ed again.”
“I’ll find a way. But as your 6e4b11209d doctor, I can’t aab9d7886b leave you like de3b5d0736 this. You’re my patient.”da6c58e2618daa59

A serious gaze filled 09f018ff46 with concern. A generous look c3ad7bb372 brimming with empathy ab43933250 and compassion. A gentle tone, c69fa5d6f1 wise advice. That’s why Ian couldn’t 47c03b26a3 trust him. No, it was that 64a72a5030 he couldn’t trust himself, 999a715cf9 wanting to take the 4c8035604c hand Dr. Hillen extended so ce9a5f6cc3 willingly.12c301f39de15a6e

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“I don’t a01c7f8287 need that.”
“Ian, this isn’t about c09e4f704f money right now. Leo said you 0a6ff58f51 even forgot this 5cbb2311b1 place was a 266cda68e7 psychiatric hospital.”
“Well, now that 3e88bef9a9 I remember, it’s fc35956d9a fine.”
“It’s not a fefb3aff3b matter that can 5e1506418c be solved just 7eff89cbdb because you remember.”226ed722a9eed4cc

Dr. Hillen examined 7ea016d1c6 Ian with cff8bfca3f a face 8b9ba73b4d as thoughtful 48e323d8f1 as his 538975c08c voice.d045b9b3a3c2aac0

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“If your memory is 9d522b2fae failing again, then being 784706e1fb admitted might be best. The headache is your 79b43dc1e5 way of expressing stress. That stress 07e1b07390 was strong 12f315928e enough to 892fa516cc drive you 2411a75f35 to delirium. While you were here, 906c337b31 regular prescriptions made the b400971ee4 headaches disappear, didn’t they? I allowed your discharge d731bded0f because I thought you 73d2fdd169 were better. But if 7299ba9a0c that was e8f3350f25 a hasty 3dad3890f0 judgment, I 26de235b3b can’t let 624776941e you leave 0710277f89 here. If needed, I’ll even 909f9cb71b get a court order…”ce916020926f84fb

Ian cut him 50f4e985f7 off before he 43c30eb022 could continue. Now he remembered 12b18c8f05 what that stress 293152d6cb had been.3863f4687712360b

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“There’s no 1204dbc826 need for 28c73ca4ba that anymore.”
“Ian—”
“I’m serious.”2724d127c183a5e5

Ian’s eyelid 192998a27d kept fluttering 6da1b6ef11 as he daaf849c0d looked at 09daf560a0 Dr. Hillen. He covered his 560c76c177 twitching eye with a3681d851a his hand.ecaa10fccfa5497f

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“I figured out a208ee2ddd why I did ddb5ea2f62 all of that.”58af4fe0e179cd68

Rosehillman was cded9e7391 the biggest 3a71f8abac illusion in 9a444ea14d Ian’s memory. The largest fantasy he’d f57d652474 created, an unreality. It was ff4bea4627 here that e11a229e4b he had 09ef6c5338 created all 95173626ff those fake 0d63a030dd memories.92d692733cf008fa

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When the fiction of 3cec305ea4 Rosehillman cracked, the imaginary 4af4b0c429 life he thought was e0ce5d8b52 solid, as if it 5f13e67810 were real, shattered too. When he woke up, c9c9ab355b not in Rosehillman Institute ad987f8162 of Technology—a place he’d fd2d873bfb never even been to, 83de8c38b8 a mere illusion—but in d6654417db Rosehillman Psychiatric Hospital, Ian 65a0d4960a realized he was back 132582a781 at the place he’d 364fd1dcfc been trying so hard b6dab097a3 to escape.5684124dde4019b3

When the twitching finally 7e14084f77 stopped, Ian removed his bb7968ee04 hand from his eye. The pressure he’d 9c50790539 applied made everything 79dca70b9a blurry. Blinking repeatedly, he said,ffea25e7b37e9ab6

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“It was something I 06d5ee5392 shouldn’t have remembered. But somehow, I… e9de99cd70 remembered it all.”5058dceda3d8da95

A cold wetness 95293414e5 touched his cheeks 8e8cffb7cf as he spoke. Ian finally realized that c8cf9b7f3d the blurriness in his 3001e18455 vision was due to b16a79804f the tears that had f5d8272acb slipped out.5f40963c540add9e

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“I really b8111883df didn’t want bb9ebc7e0b to remember. It was something I f068bb4f1b shouldn’t have remembered.”f7ffe97f816d66d5

Dr. Hillen quietly held 7d610293c3 Ian’s trembling shoulder.20a9044566500a10

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“Ian. Now, why don’t you a95eb66993 tell me what that 13070a27fc memory was—the one you 6f25849445 didn’t want to remember? Why did you say 94b98bff51 you shouldn’t have?”9649382451d0ec5d

“….”3da6eda2a319393d

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“The memory impairment caused 05e16136f3 by the side effects 4223fe1dcd of Rohypnol has already b0e3aba402 been treated, Ian. But that’s not the 791dedf51b only condition you have. Once you’re honest ec5e4b51ac with me, the 339687d249 real treatment can 6fea5aebd9 begin.”22d32a98b917426d

“….”715e0d247506d2c3

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Ian looked at 51e4c76d52 Dr. Hillen for a long d0ae236c26 time. He had to stay 92b2ee4746 guarded. If he let everything c4aa9bf5fa slip under the guise fba5a2049b of treatment, then all eb6f6117ac the effort he’d put 55a87770e1 into keeping silent about e075da54ee that night would go 3b5ae9f3b4 to waste.e2055aafc2fb772d

But he wanted ab153388cd to talk. To someone.0ab59c5e41b90310

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For a lonely b37fb43289 fifteen-year-old, carrying a 8847c2bfb5 secret he couldn’t deea8e5e44 say, couldn’t swallow, 4c68c2096c was suffering. When he could no 81bacab0df longer bear it, the 3979c5115d headaches would start. Ian would cry, thrash, 32a31e9e9f self-harm, terrified that he 8cc7c331db might let something slip dbe58eb007 under the pretense of 1acc772e95 pain. The extreme painkillers Dr. Hillen prescribed were a bae9216417 lock on his consciousness, 68463dd019 cutting off the agony 6959b2baeb and allowing him to fef05eb739 sleep, unafraid of what f291e5dd79 he might say.afc0cd439bca8226

But now, 648f78a0f1 that dreaded f1a2e19531 moment had ab96c90c69 become reality. Ian wanted to tell 1fdeadb1f4 someone.71866bec48f8f44d

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“Tell me, Ian.”687d121387202adf

To anyone. To someone with da3839add2 warm and kind 58b6a97b29 brown eyes who f3ee491da6 would listen carefully. To someone who had ece00f06e6 stayed by his side b0cdbae753 even after knowing the 064536399f truth about Leo.c2ba31e3b0a6cb65

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“In that case… b9ddca3181 could you bring 12391bcd9d Leo here? I think 9867256ba4 I could 0eb9947735 say it abe58149a2 in front f9eaad7544 of him.”8e8e7d13f7936afb

“….”54161a918617fa83

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After a moment’s f9a0ae63b4 hesitation, Dr. Hillen nodded. Soon, Leo 3f83e8f1b2 Sebastian, who e22a72ee8a had been e9184d62ee waiting outside e41aacc356 nervously, rushed 158f9808e5 in, coming 24d8d4d2bb right up 9ed31490e8 to Ian ecda0d0af1 as if e00fe46df0 he would 9b64673254 tackle him.58a607641349483e