C | Chapter 8.4 | Breakdown | Crack in the Perfection

Ian left Tim Hogan’s studio and took a narrow path that led up the hill. Unless he planned to take the subway, it was the shortest route home, though it required going up a steep, secluded hill. At the top, a large road leading to a safer residential area would open up.

“Ian!”

Ian was taking the stairs two at a time when a man in scruffy clothes, typical of the Harem District, came up the opposite path. Ian tried to brush past him quickly without paying him any attention.

“Hey, you.”

The man reached out and grabbed Ian’s jacket with a swift, practiced move. It wasn’t by chance. The man had been approaching Ian as his target from the start.

“What the hell?”

The man grinned, baring his teeth.

“You’re the Pretty One, right?”

“What?”

Ian shook his arm free in disgust.

“You’ve got the wrong person.”

But before Ian could continue on, the man lunged at him from behind.

“They said you’d be easy to spot, Pretty One. You’ve grown quite a bit, huh?”

“What the hell are you talking about, you sick bastard? Let go!”

A chill suddenly touched Ian’s cheek. The man had pulled out a jackknife at some point and was pressing the blade against Ian’s face.

“Easy there. We don’t want to mar that pretty face, do we? Pretty One, did you know there’s a bounty on your head?”

“…What?”

Just as Ian was about to ask what the hell he was talking about, the man’s free hand reached for his waist.

“Don’t!”

As Ian tried to resist, the man pressed the knife to his ear, right below it.

“Be good now. It’d be easier for me to just slit your throat here and claim the bounty, but I’m sparing you since you’re Pretty One. Let’s have some fun, eh? Play along, and I might let you live.”

“What… what are you—?”

Then, the man’s hand, hidden under Ian’s clothes, groped him. It felt like bugs were crawling all over his skin. His breathing quickened, and his vision blurred.

The feeling of a stranger’s hand touching his body. The sensation of even his own breaths being tainted. Something foul pulsed through his veins, clouding his thoughts and mashing them to bits.

Though he knew the feeling, he could never grow used to this pain. Ian’s body started to tremble, seized by memories of torment that bound him in place.

“Heh, so soft… I’ll bet your backside just as nice.”

As the man groped Ian’s crotch, he pushed Ian with his leg. Ian, frozen, stumbled forward, causing the man’s hand to slip out of his clothes.

“Damn brat, trying to pull a fast one?”

The man lifted his leg and kicked Ian in the back.

“Get up already, or should I open up that backside of yours right here?”

The dull, repetitive sensation of blows landing on his back, legs, and torso didn’t even register as pain. Instead, the possibility of reliving past memories of torment gripped Ian and wouldn’t let go. He clutched his head, desperate.

I don’t want to remember. Please, please, don’t come back. Please, no more. Please…

“Damn it, I said get up! Do you want me to kill you right here? You think I’ll let you live just because I want your pathetic ass?”

The man, frustrated with Ian’s lack of response, raised the jackknife. The shining blade aimed straight for Ian’s neck. Then,

Bang!

A single gunshot shattered the man’s hand.

“Aaagh!”

The man dropped his knife and collapsed, writhing in pain. Ian, his vision blurry, forced himself to look up. A tall, slender figure, menacing and fierce like a hunting beast, was charging toward them.

It was Revenant.

The man who had attacked Ian tried to scramble away, but—

Bang!

“Ahh! Aah!”

A bullet tore through the man’s thigh, spraying blood. Revenant closed the distance in an instant, kicking the man over so he lay on his back.

“I…”

Ian’s voice barely came out as he looked up weakly.

Bang. Bang!

Revenant’s gun obliterated the man’s remaining leg and hand. Without so much as flinching, the 38mm gun in Revenant’s hand moved gracefully. His final aim was the man’s eye.

“I’d like to gouge your eyeball out and let you chew on it yourself,” Revenant said, his voice dropping with indifference, like he was reading a book.

The man howled in despair.

“Please… please spare me… I beg you… please…”

“But I don’t want to show such a filthy scene.”

Bang!

The clean gunshot silenced the man’s pitiful pleas, piercing through his eye. His skull split, mixing red blood with white brain matter, scattering fragments of what was once a man into the air.

The blood that pooled from the man’s body began to crawl, inching its way toward Ian’s feet. It was as if the blood itself was seeking another host, forming a small puddle around Ian’s feet.

“Don’t… don’t remember… Please, don’t remember…!”

Ian shouted at the bloodstained puddle in horror.

“Don’t remember!”

But it was no use. The memories had already returned, beginning the moment he saw the gun in Revenant’s hand.

– Give me the gun.

Leo, no, Revenant had said. Ian handed him the gun. Leo, Revenant, took it, raised it without hesitation, and aimed it at the man in front of him.

– You’re not really going to kill me, are you?

The man had murmured, his voice crawling with dread. Leo, Revenant, responded.

– Of course I am.

Then, bang!

Ian saw the flash from the muzzle. The first bullet, fired in an instant, hit the man squarely between the eyes. And then bang, bang, bang. Three more shots, perfectly triangular, to his chest.

The man fell without a scream. Blood crawled from his body, pooling around Ian’s feet. Ian looked up. Leo, Revenant, wiped the fingerprints from the gun with the edge of his coat, then dropped the gun beside the corpse.

– Forget about it.

Leo, Revenant, had said. Ian knew those words were meant for him.

– Forget that man was your stepfather.

Ian looked at Leo, at Revenant. The once-kind blue eyes were swallowed by the midnight darkness, revealing nothing. There was only darkness. Standing against the window, Leo, Revenant, looked as black as a shadow.

– And forget about me, too.

With those words, Leo, Revenant, disappeared. Ian stood there, staring at the spot where Leo, Revenant, had vanished. The pool of blood beneath him bound Ian in place like shackles.

Ian didn’t move until dawn broke and the night had finally ended. Then, he made a slow call.

– Yes, this is 911. What’s your emergency?

– My stepfather has been killed.

– …Sorry, what?

– Someone shot my stepfather.

– …Could you repeat that? What’s your name?

– Ian Winchell.

– Ian Winchell. And your address?

– 213 West Lafayette.

– Alright, the police will be there shortly. Is anyone else in the house?

– No, I’m alone.

– Can you drive yourself to the station? Can you get here?

– No, I don’t have a license yet.

– No license? How old are you?

– Fifteen.

– …Wh-what? Oh my god, fifteen? If your stepfather’s dead, then… what about your mother? Where is she?

– She’s at a church camp. She’ll be back tomorrow.

– So, you’re all alone? That must be terrifying, but… are you in the same room as the body?

– Yes. I’m in my room.

– Then… can you step out of that room? Are you okay to do that on your own?

– Yes.

– So… your stepfather was shot. Do you know who did it? Did you see the person?

Ian answered, his voice surprisingly steady, even to himself.

– No. I didn’t see the killer. I only saw the shooting.

By the time the police arrived with their blaring sirens, the night had fully ended. Ian looked out the window, feeling strangely relieved that it was over. Outside, the dawn was already blue. Ian sometimes wondered if the world through Leo’s, Revenant’s, blue eyes had that same pale blue tint of morning.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere?”

Revenant’s voice pulled Ian out of that night. Ian looked at Revenant as he walked toward him, step by step. Words burst out before he could stop them.

“Why did you kill him?”

Revenant halted with a jarring stillness. Behind him, Georg and his subordinates were approaching. Behind Ian, Leo Sebastian was approaching with a confused, distressed look. But all Ian could see was Leo, Revenant.

“You killed him! It was you! Why did you do it? Why…!”

Ian’s gaze, full of desperation, felt like it might tear apart under the strain. He rubbed away tears that spilled from his unblinking eyes as he shouted.

“I loved you so much! Why did you do that to me? Why!”

“…….”

“Answer me! Hurry!”

Step by step, Revenant resumed his approach. Ian watched as his figure grew closer.

He wished desperately for a pained expression, for tears, for him to shout apologies. He wanted him to kneel and repent.

If he did, Ian could forgive him. He could try to forget, even if it was painful. He could try his best to let go of all the curses and suffering Revenant had brought him.

But instead, Revenant said this.

“I told you it was too much for you to handle.”

“…That’s your answer? That’s all you have to say?”

“I didn’t want you to know anything.”

“Well… I know now. I found out. So what were you planning… were you going to leave again? Were you going to abandon me like last time?”

“I intended to keep you ignorant and leave it at that. I didn’t consider other options.”

“So… what would you have done? Answer me. Just answer me.”

“Who knows.”

Revenant’s smile was unsettling, as if tainted by cruelty.

“I guess I would’ve hoped you’d overcome it on your own. Since there’s nothing I can do for you.”

“How can you say that?”

Ian’s voice reached a fever pitch. Such a thoughtless answer wasn’t a real answer. Revenant should have been regretful, remorseful, and tormented. Simply saying, “You forgive me if you want to,” was irresponsible and no real answer at all.

Therefore, it wasn’t the answer. Not the one Ian wanted. This Revenant was unforgivable.

“Do you even know that I… that I love you? And yet, that’s all you can say?”

Ian was pleading with him—the man who killed his stepfather, the one who had cursed and destroyed the Winchell family and his life.

“Please… Please don’t do this. Just say you’re sorry. Tell me you regret it. So I can forgive you… so I can love you… Please, please… tell me you’re sorry.”

“What would I be sorry for? Killing that man? Or killing your stepfather?”

“Yes, please! Just say you’re sorry! Just say it, please.”

A bitter smile curled on his lips, wickedly.

“Kid. Sorry, but I’m not about to apologize for something like that.”

“Why! How could you… How could you… how could you…”

Ian, trembling with disbelief, suddenly sharpened his gaze.

“No, no… You once said you felt guilty toward me. You said that you only did nice things for me because of that guilt. You’re sorry toward me, aren’t you? Right? You want to ask for my forgiveness, don’t you?”

“Ah, that’s for something else. Not for killing your stepfather.”

“Then… what is it?”

“Your insomnia.”

“What?”

“Because I think it’s my fault.”

Step by step, Revenant closed the last bit of distance. He placed a hand on Ian’s shoulder and lowered his head slightly to whisper.

“So, stop waking up at midnight. Now you know there’s no need.”

His hand was warm, unbelievably so. Yet his words were as cold as they were final. Ian felt that he would leave now that he knew. Now that he knew of the twisted relationship born from his lost memories with Revenant, Revenant had no intention of making the slightest effort to fill the gap between them.

Ian, stunned by the weightlessness of Revenant’s guilt, blinked, tears spilling over. The more he blinked, the more the tears refused to stop.

These tears were a contradiction. And yet, he couldn’t let him go. That slight warmth of guilt was all Ian had, even now.

“I love you, Leo. I mean it.”

Revenant hesitated at Ian’s unexpected words but then lifted his head with an unreadable expression.

“I believe you.”

“I still love you now.”

“That’s unfortunate.”

“Don’t… leave me.”

“I’m afraid I must.”

Revenant reached out and ruffled Ian’s hair. His touch was gentle, absent of the passion he’d once shown. For the first time, Ian saw Leo and Revenant merge into one person. A person who could choose not to love him, who could always leave him behind.

“You remembered. So this is where it must end.”

“I’ll… try. I’ll try to forgive Leo, as hard as I can, until the day I die. So please don’t leave me. Don’t go.”

Revenant’s hand stilled. His calm expression twisted slightly with a bitter tinge. In a low voice, as if unable to believe himself, he muttered.

“You’ve always driven me crazy, both then and now. I want to believe you when you say that. I want to cling to you, to burden you with my sins, and hold you tight as you fall apart.”

He slowly withdrew his hand, discarding his last lingering hesitation.

“But I can’t do that. It’s time to say goodbye.”

“No, Leo!”

Ian clung to him, his voice frantic. Just then, sirens echoed from down the darkened road. It had to be the police. Ian’s face turned pale.

“Leo…”

“The cops got here fast. Someone must have called them.”

He murmured nonchalantly, like the stranger Ian had first met. Back then, Ian had sensed a faint, shadowy fear in him. It was the kind of fear that came from someone who could vanish at any moment.

Ian knew he had to let Revenant go. Despite his desperate wish for him to stay, he had to let him go. His chest ached, the pain resonating with every beat.

“Go, Leo.”

It felt like that night.

– No. I didn’t see the killer.

That night, too, Ian had let Leo go.

“Hurry up and run. Before they catch you.”

He would be safe. Hebaulis had no extradition treaty; once he escaped, he could live freely as a noble in another country. Ian would never see him again.

Goodbye, Leo.

Ian stepped back, his feet heavy with reluctance.

Thump. Thump, thump, thump.

His chest ached with every step. Ian struggled not to cry.

He couldn’t act like a child. He hadn’t cried back then, either.

Or had he cried? Had he clung to him, begging him not to leave? Had he once asked him to come back someday to take him away?

It was laughable. He was a murderer. He had killed his stepfather. And yet Ian had lied for him, calmly telling the police he hadn’t seen the killer. That he didn’t know who the killer was.