C | Chapter 3.2 | Reminiscence | Crack in the Memory

When he opened his eyes again, he was alone.

Ian slowly turned his head, gazing at the sheets, which faintly held traces of them both.

He had slept with Revenant. They hadn’t had sex, but it felt like a more intimate act than that. He’d shown himself completely vulnerable, spilling raw emotions, and the other had simply held him, unperturbed and steady.

Remembering the whispers that had lingered by his ear, Ian clenched his eyes shut.

If I hadn’t been angry, I might’ve given myself away.

The thought that Revenant was about to kiss him had made him almost… aroused. The realization stunned him—he hadn’t known sexual desire could feel so intense. The urge to be close, to share every bit of warmth, was the first time he understood that longing as something akin to sexuality.

A self-mocking smirk twisted Ian’s face.

This is absurd. To be aroused over someone I don’t even know. And worse—a man, just because he’s attractive? I’m no different from the pathetic losers who used to hit on me for my looks.

“Must be out of my mind.”

Revenant’s words echoed sharply in his mind.

Aroused? By you?

You’re just a kid.

Even thinking of being called a kid while feeling aroused made his pride hurt. Ian got up abruptly and left the guest room. There was a bathroom there, but it lacked a bathtub. He wanted to soak himself entirely, to scald away his thoughts.

The suite was silent, as it had been yesterday when he’d been alone. Ian crossed the living room, automatically stripping near the bathroom door and swinging it open.

“…!”

And regretted it. The moment he noticed the bathroom was steamy, he saw Revenant inside, lounging naked in the bathtub with water up to his waist. Ian’s face flushed hotly as he stared at the other man’s bare body.

Revenant opened his eyes.

“Are you here to join me?”

Ian bit his lip, too shocked to even think of turning around. He should have apologized, should have said he hadn’t known anyone was there and excused himself. But the words that came out were entirely different.

“Are you… seducing me?”

Revenant’s lips curved slightly.

“As if.”

The teasingly indifferent smile sparked something inside him, and Ian impulsively walked over to sit at the edge of the tub. Dipping his hand in the steaming water, he flicked droplets at Revenant, who tilted his head slightly in response, making his Adam’s apple move.

A faint, forced smile appeared on Ian’s face, unable to conceal his irritation.

“And why… as if?”

Without realizing it, Ian raised his hand and lightly touched Revenant’s Adam’s apple. It was the same spot he had, but why did it look so attractive on him? Why did it make him want to touch, explore, and feel?

Ian’s dry mouth made him lick his lips, unable to tear his gaze from that spot. He couldn’t tell whether he was licking his own lips or fantasizing about tasting his Adam’s apple. His tongue left a glistening trail on his lips, forming an alluring smile just like Tim Hogan had once commented on.

“Last night… you held me so tight.”

At that moment,

Splash!

Revenant’s arm shot out from the water, grabbing Ian’s wrist, and before he knew what was happening, Ian was pulled into the tub with a splash.

“Puh!”

Ian spluttered, lifting his head as he wiped away the wet strands of hair clinging to his face.

“What the…!”

Revenant had risen from the tub, wrapping a towel around himself.

“Kids love playing in water, don’t they?”

Though his tone was light, his expression looked more serious than usual—a subtle change too slight for the soaked Ian to notice. Angrily, Ian clenched his throat.

“Who’s the kid here!”
“You can’t even sleep on your own. That makes you a kid.”

Wrapping the towel around his waist, Revenant said.

“Wash up. Let’s have breakfast together.”
“…”

Ian submerged up to his nose, watching Revenant’s retreating back. His tall, athletic frame moved with a graceful power that made Ian realize he was his ideal type, though he’d never known it before. Every slow, clear movement etched itself into his memory, as if he could draw how his muscles and bones responded to each step.

Revenant walked to the door at a leisurely pace, and Ian held his breath until he was gone.

“Hah…!”

Only after the bathroom door closed did he release a deep breath. With a groan, he lowered his head, realizing the stiffness in his legs.

“… Damn it!”

Splash!

This time, he dunked his whole head underwater. Warm water spilled over the tub as he muttered curses, unable to pinpoint who he was cursing at. Despite his best efforts, his body trembled slightly with arousal, but Ian clung to his pride, refusing to acknowledge the desire rising within him.

It was troubling. This wasn’t simply a reaction to a naked body. He wanted Revenant.

***

Facing a grown man who treated him like a child made breakfast awkward. It only became more uncomfortable now that he realized he was attracted to him.

I didn’t know I was gay.

Ian pushed around a piece of salad with an egg on top, thinking back to his school days. The green asparagus stalks reminded him of the dress his prom date had worn. The punch had loosened his mood, and the girl in the green dress was cute. They’d ended up having his first experience in a dark parking lot. He only remembered fragments of it now—how her dress crinkled, her lips letting out sharp little sounds that had slightly annoyed him, but it had still felt pleasant to hold and caress her.

Since then, he’d only been with women, and he’d always felt satisfied in those moments. He’d thought he was straight.

Ian abandoned his salad, stabbing a pancake with his fork instead. Cream and butter from the top dripped down his chin. He grimaced.

“Damn.”

When he put down the fork, a large hand reached across the table, thumb grazing his skin as it wiped the cream from his chin. Startled, Ian jerked back, but the creamy streak left a cool, slippery sensation as it trailed down his neck.

“… Huh,”

A soft breath escaped his lips, a sound more fitting for a bedroom than a breakfast table. Startled by his own reaction, Ian shot Revenant a glare. Revenant’s fingers stilled, his expression politely neutral as he suppressed an emerging interest.

Humiliation prickled his skin.

“Get off!”

But by the time Ian pushed back his chair, his face was already clean. Revenant calmly licked the cream off his finger, a perfectly ordinary gesture that felt obscene in the wrong context. Revenant looked as unaffected as ever.

Ian scowled, feeling his embarrassment swell. The shame was nearly tangible, nestling into his chest, twisting with pain as he lowered his head, hiding his hurt like a wounded creature baring its fangs.

“Disgusting.”
“Not as disgusting as a kid spilling things everywhere.”

The nonchalant reply only deepened Ian’s shame. The sting burrowed further, morphing into an ache. Ian realized he’d expected something from him.

Maybe, like in the bathroom, that he would respond to me. Maybe I wanted him to actually kiss me. Maybe I wanted him to act possessively, like in the cafe. Or when he caught me from that burning building. Maybe I wanted him to be the one safe place where I could crash.

Ian’s gaze narrowed, and he glared.

“Are you… a pervert?”

Without much reaction, Revenant extended his hand again. Ian, afraid of his own reaction, pulled away. But Revenant’s hand had a different goal.

Revenant lifted the pancake plate and casually cut it into smaller pieces. Then, he placed it back in front of Ian.

“What the hell is this?”

Revenant’s blue eyes formed an amused arc, like an adult humoring a sulky child. In contrast to Ian’s growing

list of desires, Revenant seemed to want nothing at all.

“Oh, my mistake.”

Surprisingly, he apologized, then grabbed the jar of cream and added a hefty dollop on top of the pancakes.

“Now eat.”

He couldn’t take it. Ian threw his fork down and glared at him.

“Do you enjoy treating me like a kid? Is this some weird kink of yours? What would you even call that kind of fetish?”

Revenant blinked slowly, feigning ignorance.

“I thought you liked it?”
“Don’t be ridiculous! Who would like your perverted taste?”
“I meant the pancakes.”
“That’s… oh, damn it, don’t dodge the question. You know that’s not what I meant.”
“Who was the one who tried to eat it whole and failed? If you don’t want to be treated like a kid, eat properly.”

“Why is that any of your…!”

Ian trailed off, a sudden thought striking him.

“… How did you know I like pancakes?”

When he’d come out after bathing, there had been a table set up by the pool. Revenant, dressed in a sleek black pant and gray shirt instead of a towel, had been sitting there reading a newspaper.

When Ian sat, Georg, who’d been standing beside Revenant, pulled out a chair for him before leaving. Seeing the warm pancakes made Ian feel good. He’d never liked them drenched in syrup, so seeing them with butter and cream instead had lifted his spirits.

Up until then, he hadn’t thought much of it, distracted by the memory of last night and grateful there wasn’t any tension in the air. That’s all he thought—nothing more. But he was wrong.

The fact that the pancakes were topped with butter and cream instead of syrup hadn’t been a coincidence.

“You knew how I liked my pancakes… didn’t you? How did you know that?”

Searching through his memories, there was no place for Revenant in his past. No man had ever stirred him, not the way Revenant did now, making him burn just by looking at him. Ian Winchell had been straight. At least, until last night. If Revenant had been part of his past, he’d have remembered emotions like these.

“Who… exactly are you? Who the hell are you to play with me like this?”

Revenant set down his fork, dabbed his mouth with a napkin, and moved with that same languid grace, like when he’d stripped off his clothes. Every motion was carefully slow, unfolding one by one, engraving his every move into Ian’s gaze. When their eyes finally met, his piercing blue gaze was intense enough to strike through him.

“I said I don’t want you to know anything about me. But if you’re determined to figure it out yourself, I won’t stop you. That’s for you to decide. No amount of fuss will change my mind.”

The word “fuss” jabbed at Ian’s chest like a sharp needle. His fists clenched tightly as he spoke.

“Do I really just look like a kid to you? Do you think I’m only asking out of curiosity, like a child throwing a tantrum? Would you just stay put if you were me?”

It had only been about ten days since he’d buried his mother. Accepting her death didn’t mean he could bury the memories with her. Memories sometimes stabbed like knives, drawing sadness to the surface.

But fear was worse than sadness. The worst part of his mother’s death was the solitude it left behind. Facing the brutal world on his own, deciding and coping with everything by himself, had terrified him far more than sadness ever could.

And now, the only person by his side was Revenant. For reasons he couldn’t understand, Revenant cared for him. Though he was a stranger, Ian felt that maybe he wasn’t a stranger to Revenant. The paradox of needing him and fearing him tugged at Ian’s spirit, intensifying the loneliness that clung to him like a growing tumor.

Ian was afraid of Revenant, not because of what he was hiding, but because he insisted on remaining a stranger. Just by being near, Revenant made him painfully aware of his own loneliness, and Ian shivered at how quickly he’d come to rely on him.

It had only been a few days since they’d met. And he’d only known his name for a day.

“Damn it. This is just…”

Ian took a deep breath, fists clenched tightly.

It was charity. That word rang true. When he looked at how he relied on Revenant, it was practically begging. Kindness from a stranger was simply charity, and accepting it without reason was akin to begging.

And now, he didn’t just want Revenant to help him; he wanted something from him that he seemed unwilling to give.

To beg, to whimper in longing.

It made him feel that being alone would be better.

“I’m done with this.”

Ian spat the words out and stood.

“What are you talking about?”

Revenant rose as well. Ian quickly moved back, afraid he might be held back.

“I’m dropping out of your charity game. If you want to help someone pitiful, find someone else. I can’t take it anymore.”

With swift, confident strides, Revenant caught Ian’s arm.

“Let go!”

With a strained cry, Ian tried to pull free, but Revenant held him firmly.

“Do you have anywhere else to go?”
“Why would that be any of your business?”
“I’ll decide if it’s my business. So stop fussing and stay.”

Ian’s eyes went cold.

“Watch your mouth. Who’s fussing? Just because a rich guy’s hobby is pretending to be generous, and I won’t play along with it, doesn’t mean I’m throwing a tantrum. Why don’t you stop fussing with the wrong person and just get out of my life? I don’t even want to know who you are anymore.”

Revenant yanked him close, their breaths mingling.

“Have you considered that there might be a reason?”

Revenant was angry. Ian shook as he felt his lungs constrict with a bitter ache, struggling against his hold.

“A reason…? So, there’s a reason toying with people?”
“Does it look like I’m toying with you?”
“Then what the hell is all this?”

His grip was tight, Revenant’s enraged face inching closer. There was no escape.

“I care about you. I want you to be safe and whole, and if there’s anything you need, I’d bring it to you. Is that toying with you?”

Is he serious? Why? Why do I mean anything to him?

But no matter how curious he was, Revenant would never tell him. Helpless and trapped, Ian shut his eyes.

“That’s… sure, that’s what it is. Doing all that without reason is no different from toying with me.”
“There’s a reason. I just won’t tell you.”
“Then it’s nothing to me. Why would I want to be dragged around by someone who won’t even share his reasons?”
“There’s a reason. You just don’t need to know.”
“Don’t make me repeat myself! No matter how complex or important your reason is, I don’t know it! Without knowing, how can it mean anything to me?”

Ian felt a burning sensation around his eyes, a wetness he hadn’t anticipated. He gritted his teeth, forcefully pulling his arm away.

“If that’s how it’s going to be, don’t bother. I don’t want to be dragged around by something I don’t understand. No matter what you do for me, it just feels wrong. I can’t accept it like this.”

He opened his eyes and looked at Revenant. His usually stoic expression seemed subtly twisted, almost as if wounded. His raging emotions had started to settle.

“Please, let me go. I’m leaving.”
“… No.”

Revenant tightened his grip. Ian winced at the pressure and was pulled even closer, so close that Revenant nearly wrapped him in his arms.

“You have no choice. Not until I’m sure you’re okay and you have somewhere else to go. After that, do as you please. But for now, no.”

Those were not the words of a stranger. His intense, blazing blue gaze was not the expression of someone who saw him as insignificant.

Though he’d asked it many times without getting an answer, Ian asked again, knowing it was futile.

“Why… why are you doing this to me?”

Revenant gave no answer. He simply held Ian.

“Why do you want to help me?”
“…”
“Why…”

And then, a memory floated to the surface, grasping him with a faint flicker of recognition. Ian’s eyes widened, unable to fully process the shock, his dilated pupils reflecting Revenant’s face.

“Why….”

– Why do you want to help me?

At some point, he’d once said those very words to someone, and his own voice echoed as if in a distant hallucination.

– You want to sleep with me, don’t you?

Chills prickled over his skin.

Whenever it had been, the man he’d faced then hadn’t answered, but his gaze had been sharp, piercing blue.

Like Revenant Matthias.